..dear reader..

Junior was very upset when he came home from school. Couldn't speak upset. Just hugged us and cried. We thought it might of bullies, or something to do with one of his teachers or something happened on the way home. Eventually he got it out, they are doing The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas in English. "The camps.." We wept with him a little but couldn't speak much said something about it being a beautiful but horrible world. "If you had been alive then.." He talked about it being upsetting for anyone but worse for him because of me. For a second we regretted buying and wearing our star with a heart and telling him what kind of a star it is. Its not our shame though and not our fault we have the star and no one to help Pablo when this comes up. Just me dissociated, semi mute and already more emotional than I can cope with. He said he had a chat with his form teacher about feelings after. We were glad of that and glad this happened here and not in Fife, partl

It was uncomfortable, stressful and a little painful but we have managed to order some new clothes. As much as we hate online clothes shopping it is at least more possible than actual clothes shop shopping, the social anxiety, swinging between indecisiveness and impulsiveness, trying to work out what will fit between non standard shop sizes and varying levels of body dismorphia. As good as it was buying a big fake fur filled winter coat its not all we need. Of the two pairs of jeans we have one is uncomfortable and the other impossible to zip up without lying on our back and squished our thighs together so much that last time we wore them and went for a walk that we came home with a nasty nippy chafe. Doesn't exactly help with the self esteem and not wanting to leave the house having no clothes that are comfortable and vaguely presentable. The new computer to write with is going to have to wait which is a shame because we are so fuckinf sick of writing on this touch screen. Left

Yeah but they're not being arrested and jailed for stuff they did to me or any of the rest of the violence. They are being arrested for stuff that's been made public because they arnt needed anymore to do the horrible dirty work you need done to keep me and people like me down that you don't wouldnt take pleasure in yourself. The old arguments saying the British and others convinced you that all the vast amount of information I have brought to you is false is ridiculous and as for relying on the false intelligence that has told you I can't remember my decades of providing information and doing work for you believing you might do your job is particulary ignorant and shows you continue to have no regard human rights or ethics. You very clearly have no respect for the rule of law in regards to myself. You very clearly have no respect for the institutions you have taken oaths to protect. We have never found it remotely convincing that there is a genuine belief that sacri

Our right hip.. We were coming round. Arranging our mind to keep the events that put us where we were buried but not unreachable. There had been a physical exam and we had figured out that we were in some kind of medical facility and had heard some of what had been said between the staff as they had examined us. There had been a unfunny joke and assumptions between them and it had bothered us but didn't make us feel in danger which was a relied because we didn't feel we were in a position to do anything about it if we where. We weren't where we had been and that was a definite plus and we weren't back in the UK and knew that by the fact we were coming round in a medical facility and had received some care. Also we couldn't of been in an NHS hospital because we did not feel sheer mortal terror and know that every second we were there was a second closer to death or worse. We are presuming it was in the states somewhere but maybe Canada or Australia somewhere Eng

Virus has us sleeping overnight again or at least it did illness sleeping during the day gave us some horrible trafficking dreams. A bunch of girls/young women being walked, being told we would be having sex by bunch of nasties that we associated with Fife. There was various levels of acceptance and resistance amongst us. I think or move properly I had one of thier phones for a little while bit couldn’t work it, one of the slightly less nasties gave me back mine but we had no one to phone. We tried emergency services but all we got back was ads, one of the girls who had started walking close to Us and holding my hand because I had stood up to the people making us walk saw the phone and told us phone our mom but we knew it was pointless. Later loads of us were in a small room together lots of us heavily pregnant and I was trying talk and explain that this was breeding but our thoughts and words faded or were taken away by something or someone as soon as we started. We kept trying tho

The EMDR just happened by itself. We should maybe encourage ourself more with that. All we need to do is remember past experiences of it or even just think about it in general and its starts of in our brain, tick, tick, tick tick. There was a moment of sheer delight the other day when we pulled our pink good for fingers rubbish for thumb and wrists gloves out a drawer and found two small pieces of plant matter stuck to them. Enough for a modest single skinner. The smell of it had us quite emotional. It gave us a nice little break, nice tiny little break. Been watching the latest Grace and Frankie serious, it does make us laugh but all the weed shots are fucking torture. Its not fair. Nothing is even remotely fucking fair. Dude missed most of school this week and not because of our sleep avoidance and January depression but a proper cold. He even pucked up tonight which I hope was caused by him eating too many salted peanuts while drinking water and isn't part of the virus beca

When Margo hugged me at Laura's funeral and we both sobbed I saw me wheeling you out of wherever we had hidden you, in your uniform, in your box. Somewhere in the US I think we had to get you out before the keys all got handed to brutal and stupid white male supremicists and knew we wouldn't get many opportunities to do so. We had a sense standing there against Margo after the line up as we saw us salute you and watch you fly off for the last time that Margo had maybe accepted it wasn't our fault you died and I lived, that she maybe even wanted us to live to show the rest of them that not everything goes their way. That she had forgiven us for not being able to save you but still managing to save ourself. Buy maybe it was all just projection or you. They really didn't have to work so hard to get me to pretend at deep levels that I was you for years and years. We had to to survive still being in those situations without you, surrounded so much by people who were eithe

Phone conversation with GP today. Our notes arnt there yet unsurprisingly but he says he will chase them up and will probably refer us to mental health team without them if they take much longer. Tested his response to cannabis, was he going to treat us like an individual or was he pharmaceutical rep? Pharma rep unfortunately. My god how many times have we heard it, how many other people who have found it beneficial in terms of supporting genuine life quality "short term relief but studies show long term depression and paranoia" ... Because as everyone knows there is no long term harm from painkillers be they anti inflammatory or narcotic or anti anxieties or sleeping pills or anti psychotics or antidepressants.. Off the top of our head doctors who have repeated the same lines about the dangers of cannabis without any interest in our specific and individual experiences have given us antidepressants in our teens that made us more suicidal and motivated to do something about

No mention of capability assessment yet but a good bit less than what we were getting before, no full housing benefit of course and they are taking 80 off a month because I can't work, moved home and needed to pay rent and eat while they work out how much unnecessary suffering they can get away with piling on people are already suffering. That five week bullshit is particulary nasty. Shitty for the unemployed and low waged but for us unfit its punishment for being alive and not having other sources of support. Its all so set up for people who can work, bugger all consideration for people who are trying but can't find fuck all and even less for disabled and chronically ill. Was thinking about writing to ask for the rest of the money for rent because we can't move again and what we have is very suitable for my fucked up self and aspergersy son. Still working on the application for reduced housing benefit though. Hate it and struggling with it but I think its mostly done. P

Yesterday we put the Xmas deco boxes up on a shelf and was really suffering with our hands later. They're sore most days now. Ended up doing a search on wear and tare arthritis, then osteoarthritis. Seriously shitty. Trying not to get to think about the causes and feel the fury or wonder about how much difference would it of made if the gabapentin falls, or the Dundee torture, or quite so much warring would of made. Counter factuals. Pointless. Been watching a fair bit of MSNBC. They put a lot online and now we can actually watch and not feel exposure to thinking feeling humans just highlights our place and history even more. Occasionally check sky news website to see what UK is saying. Never for long though. If there is much real journalism going on over here its not easily found and we don't care enough to go hunting. Can't help but compare the response to President Savile over there to Brexit over here. Feels like UKs washed out, bleached absence of thinking feeling p

Would much rather we saw 0 views on our stats rather than the handful we get and "porn" in the referring sites. Soulless necrophiliac subhumans, fuck off and as there is bound to be involvement coz they usually are fuck off annihilated Fascist Russians. Its not my fault your walking corpses that can't think or feel anything that you wasn't preprogrammed. We always fought and tried to help people understand that shit. Your always gonna hate us though because we survived and you didn't and hating us is what your for. Incarceration dreams. Bad enough but then the guards are either unchallenged sexual torturers or being victimised to and making no attempt to help anyone else. A woman held over a table as a guy came behind her with a knife. Thankfully the dream moved on down a corridor as he approached her .Condoms, blood, organs and shit all over the floors. Someone picks up one of the condoms and there's a penis in it, a voice shouts out "oi thats my peni

Sleep patterns, other usual issues and general Januaryism means that for three days in a row we have said we are going out tomorrow and it hasn't happened. Not feeling too bad about it though we did find somewhere and flit at the end of the year. That involved lots of feeling physically, mentally and absolutely emotionally unable to do stuff but having to do it anyway and that takes a while to get over. Trying not to reject or be utterly overwhelmed by the bits and pieces of past that are now free to bubble up. Acknowledge and let them float back down whenever possible. The important stuff, important people to us and their deaths are not gonna be like that and we are scared of what our mind is going to dig up and refuse to hide anymore and how the hell we are gonna cope with that without anyone or anything to help. We are able to acknowledge a sense of feeling safer, securer even. Watching news from the states is helping that. Seeing the diversity voted for and sworn into the

She's over the border. Everything she said would happen has happened. You out for good now coz your all cozy and you got back up? She don't. She probably does if someone tries to take her or the kid out but no one she can call if she just knows or thinks their on their way. She lost her sisters coz everyone pretending they all threatened and like she and her sisters didn't tell you all you needed to know and the only things you could do and how much a little difference makes to us out here. Taking the easy road huh? Just gonna stumble into that ditch like you sleep walking, like you can't see and smell and feel where you are coz death, being nothing is better than facing truth, the whole truth of what they are, what she is and her sisters were, what you were, what you is and what you almost was? Nothing scarier than eyeing that mirror awaken huh? Don't worry you got lots around you to keep you under and keep you pretending all of her and most of you ain't real.

Its alright actually, we pigged out watched some 99, played a board game, had a little boogie and pulled crackers at midnight. Laura picked up the tradition of opening the back door to let the old year leave and opening the front to let the new one in. I always thought it was a cool one so we did that. It was crazy mild. I stood and smoked some nicotine out the front and watched patches of fireworks and listened to the bells it was lovely. Missed church bells on Christmas day, probably because I had to go back to bed because I had only just got to sleep when he came through. He's too old for Santa but I think it's important to carry on with some stuff, like waiting until he's asleep before filling the stocking and putting presents under the tree. Tricky with his holiday nocturnal behavior though. We suggested going for a walk it was so not freezing last night but it got rejected. So we played his dungeons and dragons mixed with Pokemon and stuff he's had read game fo