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Showing posts from January, 2016

Violences

So the violence isn't very recent which means our brain isn't freaking out quite so much. By "violence" we mean the instructions of course that generally come with it. Do or don't do this or that. Say or don't say. Write and don't write. So the layers start revealing themselves more not enough to feel confident as someone who knows where they come from but not so exposed and unanchored. The intention to control every little action and limit the mind and emotions to well used stock easily maintained patterns. The having to pretend you believed so they would leave. Knowing I could believe in better days all I wanted its still there world where it matters out there. Not so much in here even if our mind has been targeted by mass cluster bomb attacks. The rubble can be slowly picked up and structures can be built to fit our needs. Very slowly. With constant flinching and uncomfortable hypervigilance that might still be needed to stay alive and unpregnant. We&#…

Not quite so urgent.

Hey Chris,Listened to a guided muscle relaxation audio last night and tonight. There is so much available for free its overwhelming particularly if you are all ready overwhelmed. Hopeful that we have used one and are quite excited about trying more. Its the only start. Finding new ways to make our muscles somewhere we can be again. Again..Being in a place where we are eventually following doctors orders with the Gabapentin has been difficult to get to. Theres been so much shame and and anger over not being able to function, we read some tweets that were talking about that same stigma. We are moving away from that place where its impossible to emotionally identify with other peoples horrors. It's a survival thing of course like so much else we rationalise on our horrors being particularly mental.  Cultural history is the way we challenge that alienation. Its easier to start with by emphasising with people who have been dead for centuries if we feel its to dangerous to be building e…

Is this the best for us planet?

Its so difficult to keep feeling love from people we never see or talk to. It makes us doubt everything like real friends and family are just our Rabbie Burns. So real because it was parts of us making a life that was tolerable for the rest of us. The rest that had their own flesh were all just grooming, just following orders. They get everyone who thinks there is something in the rapist controlled world that is worse saving. We need to do what we are told to do to the Quine, all the other Louise Johnstons, everyone that resists and their babies or we could end up like them! Its quite mutual. Death is preferable to a life where you hand your babies and children over to pornographers and experienced programmers and then tell them afterwards  if they are still capable of screaming and crying that it " wasn't that bad. Everything is not going to be OK. They do not let people go because they gave in obviously its more likely you have just brought in your whole family & friend…
Hey. Its our shit money week so we might not be posting much. At the moment though we have a crumb left and our diazepam. The doctor said we obviously weren't abusing it we obviously failed to mention we neck what they give us evey two months in a couple of days.. We can tell by the way we are cooking and cleaning a bit more that we are growing. We have a bit more space to breath. We don't go to bed or open eyes in the morning telling ourselves that something could happen the next day there would be contact or something huge on the news that meant the networks really were permanently fucked. We had to but we dont bother so much now. We hold onto the feeling though when we can, the anything is possible in a good way hope but its a struggle. They were hitting us very hard for many years the cynicism needed to survive that doesn't leave it needs to be pushed out. We hate it. Its what they wanted, one of their longterm objectives that they would damage us enough to kill belief…

As always. Xx

We get him mixed up with our best pal and in American not Canadian forces. Theres a definite association with big boats, carriers with at least one. We don't think they are both dead. We cant be certain so we have to not torture ourselves with it... Brother?The book is EdgeoftheWorld: howtheNorthSeamadeus by Michael Pye we are into the sixth chapter now about the development of formal written law. Its still engaging us and we haven't read any kind of books in a long while browsing kindle libraries did us some damage by being punctuated with abuse porn sometimes sandwiched between survivor literature. There's has been triggers of course but that is why we wouldn't of been able to read it before. We felt the description of a Viking funeral wasn't necessary but we are familiar with how slave traders treat people so maybe it was fair enough. Much like how we prefer novels without any descriptive shagging if they must do it all we prefer historical overviews that don…

Need to know basis.

I'm alright. We just couldn't keep a hold on what happened and was happening our parts just weren't ready and couldn't see how it could was any safer. He wouldn't leave us in all that horror, take part in telling us we were something we are not, tolerate child abuse so too many peoples agendas required him to disappear.  We don't feel like dissecting it we have done enough of that in our small groups. They knew we wouldn't be able to communicate internally or externally properly and would be easily dissociated for a long time afterwards. Bastards.He was so based in the now. He had incredible natural mindfulness. It was what we noticed. Really noticed. There was never any danger of him losing touch with what was worth fighting for. It meant he didn't need to think, wouldn't question himself when he was being subjected to all the crap. He had a core that just didn't wobble. He wasn't gonna appease them he knew too much and even when he didn…

Tomorrow

Hi Dad,Hope your alive and OK. We are not too bad, we seem to be calming down a bit. The present is slightly less of an awful place to be now that accepting the here and now is not the same as tolerating the domestic abuse and organised crime that wants us compliant or dead as all we will ever know. How Lynne's oldest treated Pablo when we were up there has been on our mind a lot today and yesterday. Seven or eight years old and saying she wished the lad was dead at the dinner table, the way he was sobbing one time when we came downstairs and Margo wouldn't tell me what she had done to him, her hate to us was so palpable but to project that onto to baby and for that to be more or less tolerated. After Laura's died and her daughter was really struggling she told me she didn't wish I was dead like Lynne's oldest and others were saying. Neglected, abused, groomed bairns. Family, police, social workers all involved in it, the murders and the cover ups. So scared for th…

They would just grow up and leave me anyway.

.. missing the kids today. Heart broken. Wish we could of been there for them more but we think that about all the kids we come into contact with that are having their development messed with severely. I don't know what is going to happen to them I just hope they don't get filled with any more hate or damaged any more than they already have but I can't see how they can be safe or loved enough up there. I hope they are taken away from them we really do and adopted by a family that will look after them properly, giving them all the attention and care and encouragement and teach them love and patience and you know, castles in the sky.  We don't believe it will be as bad as it has been a lot during their lives as well as ours though. The networks arnt what they were even if Lynne is the same and the rest of the family is still generally useless at best which is terrifying. We have said to her many times and we don't mean it any less now that Margo's battered heart …

RIP Margo

We have moved out of the place we have been in where we barely saw Margo as human. We were in no place to shoulder it when she told us she didn't have all that long and she wanted to spend as much of that time with the bairns as possible. That's why she didn't want the kids going up the road or even with me and no she hasn't told anyone else how bad it was. Whenever she tried people wouldn't get how serious it was. Lynne said she was making it up or exaggerating because she is a hateful murderous cow who will never hate any man no matter what he does like she can hate a woman. Especially her mother after she saw there actually was times when Margo would defend us and others from her.  I think we said we would probably of been more use to her if she hadn't told us. We had a couple of real conversations before we went back to the dance of either one or both of us not being there. She apologized later when we said did she realise how it hard it was going to be for…

Just try to be. Again.

Focusing on small manageable things that what helps isn't it? Will go and buy bin liners tomorrow and clean out the kitchen. Make sure school stuff is organised. Stop to breathe, start hesitantly using relaxation techniques again. The migraine the other night reminded us that they are useful. We have felt so lost for so long its scary trying to find ourself again because when we do we are going to have to face all the losses again and how intentional it all is.It was so good to see the girls again but not any easier to see their mother.  She represents so many kinds of violence and the ways it is tolerated and accepted to us. But as we can't be forced to accept Margo as a mother anymore PsychoSis and all the rings she is happy to hand me and mine over to feel that bit further away. Heart over the kids of course. So much wishing we could change our own and their past and make our presents and futures less uncertain, less risky and with more love.There is still lots to do at the…

Daddy!

Daddy,Well the fuck this paying 10 a 'gram' for bloody leaf I will just go without didn't last long. We got another 3 this now. Its not quite as leafy but it is a bit soggy. Today hasn't been too bad. Gran P must still be in hospital because she hasn't phoned. We feel for her and her failing health but we can't invent family feelings we can't stop being scared of what they are capable of and what they can tolerate. We have no idea who she is or if she cares about us. Sometimes when she phoned and Margo would say it to there's a slight suspicion that she is exaggerating. We kept getting Tony Soprano's mother flashbacks when we talked to her. Not sure who that says more about though..Programmed or not we don't stop screaming internally that we are not safe and no child is safe around them. That hold Margo had on us, there was the badly tapped on front of some kind of daughterly duty but behind that is the very deep fear and awareness of the conseq…

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,Words, sentences, ideas, vision seem like they are things that other people can do. Something other people did using parts of us not things we could use, create and build ourselves.  Its not like we are physically separated or prevented from accessing words. There's a book case a few feet away and one in the living room with poetry and other stuff we can't bring ourselves to look at. We associate books too much with lies and respectable fronts. We hate all this not knowing and knowing. What we have and what we get feels so real but nothing is ever enough to lift the sense of missingness. From this place looking back all that feels like me is all the sadness and aloneness and being cornered when weak.We keep forgetting. We can we do with our time before the funeral. In the way back from the shop the other day there was a moment when we held hands on the crossing that made us feel less alienated from the big lad now that Margo has gone. We are so far from knowing how ba…