May 31, 2019

It was good, healthy and hopeful to not be reaching for the codiene that often and maybe we will feel that way again soon. Not today though. The ache and fury at not being able to keep Pablo excercised and entertained as much as he needs is a factor, his tears when he described anxiety over thoughts he didn’t want to have, the gap between what we want to be able to do for him and what we can, the difference that it would make if we had real support, even just a little occasionally.

Did a bit of trying to be a responsible adult today. Thought that if we got a job done or started a process of we would feel a bit better but the guy from eon energy after all the stressful time on hold wasnt being very helpful, apparently over a grand electric for six months in a two bedroom flat is only a little bit more than he would expect. He transferred us to their payment plan people but we couldn’t handle being back on hold and gave up after a couple of mins.

Cancelled spotify yesterday but too late as its already taken our last tenner. Probably should of said no when Pablo suggested a pub tea after the tears and the painful exhausting talking between us but it was fun and easy at the time. Cant seem to control the money at all. He keeps growing I need clothes that cover the weight put on, he needs his tech and we need our garden.

Tried to find a dentist for him but none of the close ones are taking NHS patients. We got that self harm through attempting to do necessary normal things feeling. Hate that feeling and flashes of agreeing to try and do things that will make it us worse during programming that come with it.

Glad it has rained all day so we haven’t felt guilty about staying indoors and just about our messy room and Pablo. It’s impossible to feel much guilt about the stuff we have spent money on when we feel so fucking down any relief is and should be grabbed. Just wish we didn’t feel quite so down though. It really fucking hurts. Being added a list of ingredients for a cooking class he really wants to do hasnt helped.

Can still smile at the work we have done though and wondering how it will look. We dont wish we had someone other than a dependent to share it with any more. Throughly involved in Call The Midwife even if all the birth scenes get us a bit achey, dont think its got much to do with our current state of damn soreness.

Update for hidden city has lifted spirits but it takes a while to figure install and we are really tired whilst but not keen to see what dreams we are put through. Sleep not being a relief is one of those jolly unfair aspects to this lark. 

May 25, 2019

Solace in Phlox

Havent taken any pics of any of the beds yet. Violas are looking good though. This the wall area though, or at least most of it out side of shot on either side is a bit of a mess..

Not a bad start huh? Only wee’d a little moving that big stone thing by ourself because we couldn’t wait the half hour for Pablo to come back from school but thats okay that’s what the pads are for. Glad we looked at the pic tonight as a parenting incident has us feeling awful.

First we couldn’t find our phone when we were sure it was in the kitchen but we didn’t think much about it, its a phone very easy to absent mindedly pick up and put down again. Pabs was all “I dont have it you can check our drawers if you want.” After a bit of looking around in various rooms he suddenly announces he’s found it in the bathroom. Wierd but not impossible for us but when we unlocked it.. The stuff in search bar on YouTube.. He had been watching YouTube on his computer Gumball episodes. Theres been a couple times we have found strange unpleasantness when we open our phones browser. How did he find this stuff did he just type in random letters to see what came up? There wasnt just one either when we saw the past pages there was something else.

Couldn’t yet any truth or sense out of him about it, its not like we havent told him mummy cant handle much when it comes to sex and media. That we sometimes we have to stop watching shows we quite like because of characters having or talking about sex. Its not like he doesn’t know how to clear the previous screen images either.  He went to bed refusing to talk just saying “fine” when we said we had changed the passcode on our phone and that he wouldn’t be allowed to use his computer for a while.

We have of course been busy with garden which makes it even harder to keep up with his talk on all the innocent stuff he is into. There is maybe a bit of attention seeking as well as adolescent curiosity meets uncensored YouTube.. Its the bullshitting to us that we catch him out a fair bit to. Struggling with that, its a normal part of becoming his own person but all we have to turn to is you stupid reader and your not support your just an outlet. Cant really see us managing to talk to someone at the school or someone involved with his ASD pretty sure we would clam up and bury ourself in ourself like Pablo did in his duvet when we tried to talk to him about it.

Didnt think hidden objects was going to help calm us down. So we searched on Amazon for a bargain knowing we really shouldn’t be spending but we found individual phlox for sale for a couple of quid and ordered some muck because we are out and we might be going for a walk with him tomorrow but there wont be the icecream we promised before all this happened. He can use the consoles in the living room if we are ever able to do what he wants ever again. Wont be hard to cut internet access from his bedroom all we need to do is unplug the booster. Started watching call the midwife due to lack of anything else, think he might be joining us.. if we can face more of it. Kinda get sore with all the birth. Its not like they show much blood though so that keeps it nice and unreal.

May 23, 2019

Thursday with food

Its nice when the May depression, impulsiveness, pain and other awfulness turns into getting things done and feeling good about it. Always wish we could more than but not as acutely as we used to, Last few days we havent been taking so much codiene, at night to help us sleep, because thats when hug starvation hits worse even if it hasn’t had us heartbroken and really struggling all day and because we know we have been taking to much for to long to just not take any.

Yesterday we banned ourself from gardening or playing in the mud until we did some housework and the kitchen, bathroom and hall are much less eww. Today we weeded the shady patch, put the new fancy fern in, rescued the not so fancy ones that were burning in the sun, used the three in one to put nails in the wall for wire (got lots of the glue/filler/sealant on hands and arms), planted Clare the rose (got it from David Austin its named after his daughter) with rose food plus rooting fungus and a speckled evergreen shrub. Potted up one of the geraniums that has a little pink flower starting to open. Its amazing what can be done if you eat and rest regularly, take our meds right and its late sping/early summer. Rested out of the sun in the early afternoon to, caught up on Jane. Got to stay on migraine watch of course. Been headachy at times but nothing major thank fuck.

Light work tomorrow if we are up for it. Need to get the manual mower out, weed the stone borders and our bedroom could really to with a tidy to. Will be giving stuff a good watering and then see how we feel from there.

Would very much like to spend more of course, on shrubs that look cool in the winter to, pots for stuff that we grew from seed, those big beautiful African daisies.. but we have those miniter sun flower seeds and some dried lupid pods from a neighbor so we can start them of and be patient. Packed garden waste bin means we cant be doing much more with the really wild patch with giant bastard strong nettles that sting through gloves got some heavy dutier ones but there one size so huge on our child sized digits and not gauntlets.. gonna have to have our arms covered to deal with anymore of them. They are evil.

Tired and sore and a bit happy now as well as the usual sad and hurt. Hope sleep doesn’t bring too much awfulness but if it does and we cant do much tomorrow the flowers will still be growing, getting bigger stronger and beautifuler.

May 22, 2019

Rosie’s Rose

Rose is here. Has a couple of little buds on her. Still in her pot and there she will stay until the rooting stuff arrives and we have cleaned the house up a bit. Seriously. Dishes, some hoovering at least. Never takes long to clean bathroom sink and its a very satisfying job once its done. Tiny kitchen floor to. Wasnt gardening today. Too exhausted from not sleeping Monday night then getting stuff done outside because it was warm and because we hadnt slept we werent mentally and emotionally crippled. There was a couple of times today we couldn’t not sleep and it was awful how we felt during the dreams and when we eventually got out of the false awakenings and woke up for real. Lots of semi lucid looking around and saying we definitely not awake yet.

Not doing a very good on not spending so we dont end up with nothing. Summer clothes for myself and the giant boy. Needed. He is down to one pair of shorts and i need warm weather trousers that fit too since we havent miraculously gone back to size 10 as we are able to eat food at the moment.

Gonna try. After this. No listing or window shopping that can lead to real shopping on Amazon. No “quick check of the headlines” because we know there will be plenty disgusting shit going on that will wind us up. Just try and sleep and hopefully will get stuff done tomorrow. Crazy sleepy, so sick and tired of the dreams though. Theres always at least some kind of verbal and threats against me or Pablo in them, often unwanted sexual activity, fighting and the constant sense of being unsafe and surronded. Unending mortal terror. It gets fucking tedious, accepting it doesnt help partly because we want to live so accepting constant close proximity to being murdered isnt going to work there is too much need to stay alert to danger and hate. 

May 19, 2019


Went over our ankle on a broken paving stone someone put down as a path out the back, splat onto concrete. It was before any wine had been drank and we were glad there wasnt any retired folks around to try and help us get back up. We hadnt eaten much and often get clumsy when we havent eat enough. Too busy getting essentials in and being thrilled at being able to do so. We still get suprised when we see money in the bank. Its like when people say “hi” and comment on the weather or something and we feel so much better, like we are considered a person, a citizen like anyone else. There is plenty in here that wont let go of anything, that counted all the losses personal and material and knowing that helps us let parts enjoy the present without holding them back and weighing them down with too much truth and context.

Anyway our ankle recovered well but the elbow we landed on and took the worst of it seems to have gotten worse everyday since. Knowing the simple shock of it is gonna mess with our mood for an unknown time.

Pablo wants to play something with us but we cant. Concentration to brief and feelings too unstable. Think he gets louder when wants us to do something together and we cant. It doesnt help.  We got him to help with a couple of minutes of gardening stuff, wasnt planning on doing much but he helped us move the giant ancient stone birdbath and drag the compost put out the back so if we are up for putting the buddleia in or starting on the fernery we can. Plenty little and bigger jobs to do really wish we were up for doing a few more.

Did let him pick the movie to watch will munching pizza, he went for the Goonies. Fair enough. I feel asleep not long after that, apparently we are going to go to college rather back to school.. Glad we finally made the decision. Took us a little while to figure out where we were and how far we are from our teens when we woke up.

Man im narky tonight. Elbow getting worse think my shoulder is aching now to as well as our hands and our ute is just mildly aching. Fucking hate all the pain. Fucking hate that when we run out of codiene we start feeling like we coming down with something really nasty that disappears after we pick up our perscription. And of course hate that we are weedless and all alone cept for aspie amnesiac survivor pubescent.

May 16, 2019

you cant give me your birthday to make up for your upcoming deathday

Pretty awful most of today, pain, nightmares, nightmarish pain and painful nightmares. Did some washing and dried it on the line. Cold sea breeze today but still perfect blue skies. Seedlings watered to but other than that not out much. Just to smoke fags look at the sky through the trees and watch the 100s of little birdies, they are loving my big patch of dirt to bathe in.

Both the 26th of February and the 17th of May falling on money days this year thats pretty good so is the fact that we are not just ignoring the dates when we know they are close. Tomorrow I think we feel is Julia’s. Maybe we should pick a day for ourself? The day we moved here maybe but feels to soon for that.

Really looking forward to ordering our rose though and a big bag of dirt. Looking at it and looking at other plants and shrubs really help out when we woke up in the small hours last night. Asleep around 1:30ish not long after posting here awake again before four in a state. Knee pain becoming horrible injuries in our dreams, the doctors couldn’t get the rest of the hospital staff to give them what they needed so they used their own blood. It got worse after that. Trying to stay safe with Pablo in a flat that didnt have solid walls and between us and some storage space, boxes of someone elses stuff for selling. Later on he was a teenageish girl weeping in our arms. We are really terrified for the two girls in Aberdeen. Not oldest hate built one though that strangled toddler Pablo though and much much more, shes a ring darling the poor fucking creature we fear what she is capable of.

Started to feel better later on when Pablo came home and we had some cheesy pasta. He is noticeably happier here.

Yesterday we started on our shade patch. Didnt get much done just some weeding and moved a bin. Thinking about what to do with it is exciting. Knowing a little bit of work and a little money can turn ugliness into something else is therapeutic its shame its not always so simple with people.

Been reading Picoult’s The Storyteller. Have a sense of Laura saying it was really good and we should read it but we either couldn’t read or were going through survivor autobiographies and not up for fiction based on them. Left it alone for most of today of course though. Its helping us avoid news media though, dont need to be exposed to America making itself great again when reading about the horror and loss of Germany doing the same. Try not to wonder pointlessly what the world would be like if it hadn’t lost so much back then. Think we have been told that we wouldn’t of been born if it wasnt for all that mid 20th century slaughter of everyone not far right but my mother wasnt so sure. We come from different antisemitism, it overlaps of course but there is differences. We were slaves before the rise of Hitler and continued to be afterwards.

Cant wait to order our rose and put wire on the wall for her, get the buddleia in and make the ugliest bits not so bad. And drink wine. Stomach has been cramping everytime we accidentally think of weed like we havent eaten in days and smell food. Hate knowing how much it helps with nightmares and there is loads of folk out there that have never done much or any fighting for themselves with no interest in admiting and processing their issues, that dont care how they treat people or enjoy and are addicted to causing misery that have easy access to it. Shouldn’t be allowed.

Mummy I think I’ll really need weed.

Crazy excited because we have chosen our rose and read a bit about how to look after it. Deflated we have no one to talk to about it.

Day sleeping today to catch up on what we didnt get last night despite the physical excersion. Stopped expecting a day of unusually high physical activity will lead to good nights sleep thats not how we work. Fuck the nightmares though, there was some pretty complex and entertaining stuff cant remember enough to describe much, it was circular but instead of the last cycle making us vulnerable and determined to be victimised the next time we were just prepared. Think it was a response to privilaged abusers trying to convince us that things will be a certain way and always was, always will be, there is nothing anyone can do to change it and us going “unless they dont and something else happens”. There was some cute actors in it to but one was into speed and another was a normal young man.

Common theme of being both in a filmed work of fiction, watching it and still being in the story and experiencing it as real all at the same time. Not suprising as that is what our waking life has been like.

 Mum wouldn’t leave us on our own. That means programming continues. Remember objecting to it and trying to convince her we would be okay we just wanted all that shit to end but she wasnt having it. We were going to object further but we saw how pale, hurt and exhausted she was and how unbelievably awful it must have been knowing what they were going to do to her and that nothing we could do to stop it. She wasnt going to hand them me there was no options there and she drilled it in that no matter what happened or whatever they had us believing was going on we must never do the same with our children or it really would never end.

“There is only one way to stop it and you are it.”

There was so many false awakenings, Pablo reminded us of the term, during the dreaming today. Over and over thinking we were out then realising we were still dreaming. Remember the flying thing and for a while and we were above everyone with lighting shooting from our fingers as people tried and failed to attack us from below. Had trouble thinking enough happy thoughts to stay in the air in a controlled way for long though.

Saw a photo at one point, Gracie when she was tiny asleep in a tree with a leopard spot onsie on and one arm stretched out like cats do, think it was in a mobile home we seem to be visiting a lot recently and thinking its where we live. Would of been cooler if it wasnt for the scribbled note that a troubled kid from Cadam had written “boobs” all over but we could still make out one bit where it was written about our old cat Merlin that we had to leave in Aberdeenshire and got run over being in eternal sleep. Our murder soaked mind is freaking out a bit at it but its maybe about our fears for her during and after puberty. Our rape soaked brain isn’t comforted by that thought.

The desperate search for cannabis still pops up in them regularly. Feeling increasingly cynical and fuming about that now. Our mind would really appreciate a break from the most traumatised aspects of our mind but no one is helping. Its not fair and its not like we need lessons in how unfair shit is.

Looking forward to ordering our rose soon and getting stuff ready for it. Need to put wired across the wall. Pablo is exciting about getting some D&D dice. We are not. Its good he’s writing character sheets and working with numbers but the spectrum obsession thing can really overwhelm us. Think he feels the same about us and gardening which is fair enough. Its that thing though when even when the depression is crippling and it feels like time has stopped, the flowers are still growing. Gave everything a good feed today they will need it what with these days of beautiful blue skies. We will endeavour to be minfull enough of the migraines and hopefully avoid them. No flea powder or iffy cannabis to trigger them. Should help.

Try sleep? Dunno. Sounds fucking scary.

There’s been a shift in our DID internal phobias, can allow a bit of thinking in the third person. Beyond our upfront little. Basically it means we all loosing some of the terror associated with knowing you dont know much about yourself and where you have been and who with. Feels good, being petrified of your own self and most of the truth is never going to be a comfortable way to live. Very long way to go though but we feel like we are ready in the right direction and not waiting for there to be a right direction.

Still so scared of having to endure more nightmares though even though our eyes are heavy.

May 15, 2019

Well done

Not sure what the pain levels will be like tomorrow but seriously chuffed we eventually got it done.

Almost there. 

Fuck yeah

Told you it was a monster

Took most of the time that junior was a school. Very grubby, seriously sweaty job in the heat, didnt think we could do it but what with the hand saw that wasnt lost in the flit, the big fork and next door lending us stuff to we got it fucking done without the wall falling on us or any other serious injury, got a cut finger that Pablo put a plaster on and nettle stings on our elbow but that’s all.

Have to wait to get dirt and something pretty for the spot but thats cool we need to take it easy for a few days anyway there was a fair amount of sawing and brute force involved. Lots of cups of tea, smoking donated fags and reading stuff an archeology mag puts on line to keep us going and not extremely over do it.

Tired now but anxious too. Rape in dreams again, we had friends and hang out in a bar with them a lot and looked after a little girl. Left the bar with someone they were wanted some specfic rare booze somewhere and we were grabbed by a gang. Afterwards to said something that ended in “then I woke up hurt” and the police or hospital women saying something about “what do you expect when run into the ten degrees in Roman costums” that was the name of the rape gang, the ten degrees, pretty sure it was them and not us in the Roman gear. Horrible. Curious about where “the ten degrees” came from. A science thing surely. But that thing about “6 degrees of seperation” between people keeps connating. Our scientists must be so fucking angry and bored, not a good combination.

Okay. Sleep. Soon. Gotta pee again anyway.

Our little patch of wall is gonna end up quite beautiful.

May 14, 2019

not without pride

My god what a difference it makes to have neighbours who are not only not commited to trying to have us raped/murdered/permanently physically incapacitated/sold/chained/catatonic/lobotomised and have had some success in doing so with others and over many years but who are actually caring and helpful. We are no longer without nicotine and that has made us feel a hell of a lot better.

 Ending doing a bit of gardening, chuffed with our beds they should end up looking quite stupendous and smelly lovely to. Pink lavender, night scented stock, cosmos, some livingstone daisy extracted from a root bound tray, oops, petunia, lobelia (trailing from seed and string of pearls plugs) pansies of course, sweet pea from a car boot sale, scented geraniums great but not worth going hungry for, a variety of pinks to go in dark blue plastic pots, some other shit. The grass isnt so good we havent been watering the seed enough and the back bit is still carnage but there will be enough calories and no rain forcast tomorrow to have another go at the monster shrub. Kinda desperate to get the buddleia in and start thinking what we will do with that area.

Pain pretty bad as well though. So fucking desperate for real relief from the heartbreak and the constant pangs of not been/being cared for enough and loss of everyone who tried, the need for hugs and support from a safe adult that gets so bad it becomes physical pain. Not just a temporary distraction knowing we will need to stop or take a break and it will all instantly start crushing down on us again or codiene lull but actual day after day, night after night of life affirming constructive and creative herbal relief.

Tea tomorrow to. Probably shouldn’t have coffee in the house coz if we run out of tea and end up drinking the coffee instead it doesn’t help our mental health. We can get away with the odd mocha but if we start drinking it like we drink tea we end up feeling even more nuts than usual, manic even. Not fun.

Have to have to have to keep a reign on the impulse buying cant be going through a week plus of this every month. Its shitty especially since as well as the dearly departed tablet junior has smashed his switch screen, i suspect whilst hiding and then swearing he has no idea where it is. Totally and utterly busted. Still got the big screen of course but the joy cons dont work to well. Starts of okay and then starts moving by itself. The wired controls are cheaper though so can probs get him one of them.

Its the closeness between the UC and the DLA that seems to be adding to our total inability to budget. Sleepless anxious misrable nights of course and the easy available bargin junk food to. Will be able to calm down on the gardening supplies though, need dirt but thats pretty cheap. Will be getting a climbing rose though if and when we defeat the monster.. Gardening thrills!

..but for ffs leave enough cash for food and baccy.. Add all you want to Amazon lists but keep the buying down to a minimum. Hopefully get a haircut that will help is feel less second class, that gets put off because of the human interaction involved though. Think we maybe spend online to take the option away. Always so glad once its done though.

May 12, 2019


No baccy, no tablet, no bread and no tea bags now either and of course no support and no weed.. according to pill packet we missed a day which will be why we are yucky and sore. Started using Pabs old fire kindle but its crazy short on memory we need some distraction. Ran out of batteries for the xbox last week to so pretty fucking grim. Cant see us not buying as soon as we can this time, went  several days last time before nightmares and isolation and heartbreak had us reaching for anything we could grab and all we can grab is baccy, from a shop.

Gardened today, to keep us distracted because it was sunny and because pain wasnt at levels that stops everything. Horrible having to stop at though knowing we couldn’t just munch and keep going, knowing we couldn’t keep dodging the tears. Pablo suggested a board game and we were reluctant but it was actually a really good idea, played the one he picked enough to not get overwhelmed and super stressed over the rules. He wasnt happy about loosing though.

Kind of lost it with him for eating all the lurpak but seriously he goes through it like its diluting juice and it fucking isn’t diluting juice its not cheap, its pure fat and it can make the difference between a meal thats edible and enjoyable and one that isnt. When hes got bagels he basically fills the hole with it. Have tried to show him a more appropriate amount to spread but he just does the whole, “i try, im not good at it” bs.

Maybe tomorrow the cravings will have backed of a bit. Dunno though. Its gonna be severely grim anyway, theres a bit of milk and coffee and some tins and stuff left over from the food bank but we are both pretty fussy at least he will get fed at school. I will have some weetabix and have ago at the monster shrub again. Might take next door up on offer to borrow tools. Later on will have to give tins a go and pablo will have to try the pasta thing with cheap spready stuff since he went so fast through the butter despite being repeatedly told not to.

The form that might help us get more is off though. Still cant get over that six week without anything or pay it all back in a year and we dont care is you were on severely disabled rate ESA and have no support or if you live with several full time wag earners. Pablo keeps track of how much longer we have to go before we get our £80 a month back. Almost half way through all ready!

Sure the cravins are way worse than last time, man we could snap necks just because they’re there without caring who put them there. Have wished often we werent too proud to rob and steal just for ourself maybe it will change, wont wanna go there without confidence in our skills. Fucking useless perfectionism. Why dont we just take what we need? What the fuck are we waiting for?  Justice?? Seriously?!? Its gonna go from us being 100% denied and disrespected to acknowledged and compensated in what weeks? Months? There is no fucking science and no putrid script for that. None. So it cant happen.

Gonna do our best with our new garden patches and remenber how it feels to see beautiful flowers and think “ we did that”. And we will share pics when it gets good. Unless of course we get wisked away and have to start again somewhere else or be way to busy for gardening.

In the meantime it just hurts though. 
Not liking the nicotine cravings.. Not like we’ve been strong and felt ready. We just have no money again. As well as that our tablet has died. Its not taking a charge, tried different chargers made sure they worked on other devices but nothing, no charging graphic no attemp to turn on and shutting down again, press the power button, hold the power button for a minute.. zilch. No signs of life at all.

This is quite upsetting. Our tablet games can relax and distract us and we always need that but with the nicotine withdrawal and the nothing we can do about it and cant play on tiny phone screen. Super upsetting. We need to not go through this again so we need to not buy when we have the chance again. We also need to manage the cash better. Got some lovely plastic planters but no soil to fill them and a shortage of basic essentials.. “marked impulsivity” yeah yeah.. still think all the kidnapping, constant hate and manipulation, starvation, terror, torture surviving and genocide witnessing particularly as a little kid is relevant when it comes to labelling us with a personality disorder.. We well ordered considering everything we have been through its your shitty slave dependant cultures that are fubared.

17th on Friday. Another probably not our birthday. But more likely than the 26th of February. There will be food options then to. Doubt we would be day time pubing it if the weather is nice because of rhe money and because we would rather garden. Gotta get that shrub out. Its really starting to bug us but we not been able to do much.

Theres some internal tantrums going on right now. We sick of being let down so much we don’t expect anything better and a quality of life kept of our reach because deprived human shaped hate machines reel of instructors saying it should be so.

Cant be absent mindly going round the news sites now we can find our objects and scape our garden without breaking sweat. The worse times is when there is shots of trump from 80s or 90s we really struggle. Feel physically ill and so fucking angry and so deeply disappointed and disgusted by so many people. And that old deep sense that we will never feel at home. We nothing or a slave, thats is close as we get to options.

But we know theres more. We are always far from a place where we can process and truly understand what it all means for our shitty material and social life. But it does mean something. Its not over. Gotta believe there be life not surrounded by so much unlenting bull shit and meanness. Fiction will be for stories and entertainment and life will be organic and spontaneous again.

We will be loved for helping bring that back. Even if its not acknowledged or appreciated in our lifetime.

May 11, 2019

So ickle for a lot of today. Filling out capability questionaire always gets us messy. Out of baccy. Hope we dont buy when we have cash again because hate the not having, the cravings. It gets all linked up with other stuff we have had to go without, like food, heat, care. We are worked, children used as weapons others profit, take and pretend they are intelligent, compassionate, talented people when what they actually are is designer slavers who have their entire existence mapped up for them before they were physically conceived with little to no self awareness ever.

It hurts. So much. All the tine.

Miss you and love you Billie,

Mom xxxxxxx

May 08, 2019


Looking at online short courses and postgraduate options, going through a cycle we’ve been through many times before. It starts usually with reading an article and wanting more, feeling inspired, thrilled we can read and be engaged again, hopeful about online options, then disheartened by fees and funding options, then triggered by remembering what happened when tried previously to expand on our patches of education and fractured mind.

Think Burke told us we were suited for global history, we are definitely fascinated by seeing the similarities between the specific and the universal. Particularly in terms of ourself and our experiences, seeing our brain in those maps of pre WW1, noticing the similarities and interdependence with domestic abuse, UK authorities stuff and the international high roller trafficking. How now matter how strong, intelligent, resourceful we are we and how well connected we temporarily were sometimes we always end up isoltated, crippled and with nothing, like some post colonial nations. For all the differences in culture, the subjugation of woman, rigid gender roles and soil layered with the slaughtered seems universal.

When we said we worried about our ability to retain information, that we had to look up the meaning of a word, a concept, who someone was again and again and still not be able to talk about whatever it was without notes, still have to keeping going back he said something pretty wonderful and made us feel quite gifted instead of victimised and inferior which of course we cant remember. Think part of it  was something about the need to repeatedly go over basics kept our thinking and ideas fresh.

There is actually very short short courses that are free but looking at them had us realising again that we need a laptop. That has us realising that we are going to have to push ourself a bit harder to fill out the same capability for work form we filled out in November if we are to have much hope of scraping the money together for one. Today we were thinking we just cant do it. Not again so soon after the last time that we worked really hard on just for a lady to ask us why we bothered if we were moving to a universal credit area. The cover is different, says UC instead ESA, thats all.

Got a letter from the psychologist that also went to psychiatry mostly saying what she learned from our half hour phonecall split over two days because an emergency meant she phoned late and Pablo came home in the middle of it. Couple of annoying things, one where she said we moved to Fife because of the Delusional disorder diagnosis.. Another the repeat of the “still being effected by DID” like it can just fix itself. There was also something about “a full course of EMDR” but she wasn’t sure what for.. we said we had some.. Wasnt even aware that “full course” could be a thing and we dont get the not knowing what for when the letter all ready states “multiple traumas since childhood” maybe she wanted more specifics over our half our phone call split over two days.

It mentions a personality disorder, cant remember/dont care which one. If you attached us to a blood pressure monitor  you could literally see ours shoot up at the mention of personality disorders. If it was used to mean a personality messed up because of sever, repeatedly and enduring traumas during development then we would understand but that is not how it used as far as we understand anyway. Some have said it doesn’t matter in terms of treatment if you are born that way or events caused you to be that way, we totally disagree but of course we would disagree with a psychiatrist we have a personality disorder and that’s what people with personality disorders do..

Yuck. Serious fucking yuck.

Also decided we need to make another effort to not keep up to date with each step further into fascist dictatorship over in the states, we can have it filtered though a.m Joy, Maddow or one of the others occasionally but checking everyday, a few times a day is not healthy.

We have a minor virus was worst last night, everything hurt but not so bad today, keeps giving us wierd Chinese based food cravings, was water chestnuts earlier on, now its five spice.. Also there is a fly in our room, it flew in when we went to smoke, it’s incredibly loud and annoying.

May 04, 2019

May the filth..

Grass/bird seed we planted yesterday got watered. Three whole watering cans. Did some leg exercises in the morning to, not many but something. And we made food in the evening, marinaded some pork we had deforested and had some chicken instant noodles with it and it was pretty tasty. Would of been better with some greens, monge tout and broccoli but if we are not going out to pick up codiene when we have none we are not going out for veg either.

Traumas pilling up on us day. Fucking crushing. Dude has dug out an old Halloween custom and has been wearing it mask and all so we had to tell him to take of the mask we couldn't handle it. Just feels like all the lose, all the heartbreak from being little added to all the horror and agonies ever since and its awful.

Not going to be picking up ends of the street though because we bought yesterday. Because we could. Not so bad that distractions don't work at all and we are so grateful for them, watched Dead To Me, bloody brilliant. Shows with only one serious though.. Been giving Love a go to but there is too much fucking in it so think we have to give up on that. Shame because the characters are pretty cool.

Know its good we are aware of it but wish we didn't get so prone to accidentally on purpose self harm when we are like this, not wanting to cut but if we are holding something to hot we will are more likely too just risk it rather than put whatever it is down and get a towel. Its impossible to pay enough attention to what we are doing. Don't have enough energy to self care but its an internalised sense of it not mattering if I'm in pain either and other people are going to hurt be soon enough anyway so what does it matter?

Probably best to not try and force ourself to do more when we are like this as accidents are much more likely when you can't be careful.

Knowing a lot of what made us feel like this is gone helps but its undermined by not being able to do the things or feel the way we would of it hadn't always been going on.

We got a cool son here with us, we got a full tummy and tea and fags, we got another bank holiday weekend without new traumas. That's all really good.

May 02, 2019

”Not even one?”

Its all fucking lost isnt it Graham. Their all dead or good as. Back in the late eighties a woman who wasn’t our mum told us to to get to attatched as they probably wouldnt make it. She was the closest thing around to a carer but we were never sure about her and not just because our real mum had told us it was unlikely any one would be able to care for us for long no matter how much they wanted to. They were all sleeping on camp beds wrapped up together Zoe, Robbie, Er, Nicky and Lainey. We weren’t sleeping we had had work to do.

Someone said hi to us on the street the other day. Not a local. Bloke, teeth missing in a UPS uniform and we cant separate the image of him from no Lainey. In our sleep today we were wandering around asking people where she was, used our time through out the night to look a climing roses for if and when we ever manage to pull out the beast broom. We said something to you about Ally’s brother didnt we? Fuck all is clear to us but we dont care much about that when there isn’t anything we can do about any of it.

Zoe had chunks of her removed back then in the eighties and we did our best to run ourself and her ever since. We were so fucking little. We were the kid who could walk and talk and the toddler in the buggy she pushed around. It was horrible. Its always been horrible since they took our real mum away but we are not giving up just cause everyone else. Everytime another sick fuck scene found out about it we got a little closer to death or being used like mom was.

Wish we had more wine though, or the obvious needed weed would be much better.

Today we were getting flashes of Er talking us into a church back in Partick. There was a few people there, a Rabbi who called us “Rosa Mensel”. She had set up a wedding for me and Nicky. We read something he had written and said “yeah, fuck it”. It was beautiful for a little while. A very little while.

Getting stuff we think might be Pabs conception and we are not desperate, alone and with a turkey baster. But you know that. How the fuck would we often hold of a turkey baster or had privacy in a bathroom?..

May 01, 2019

Aint Misbehavin

Fairly caught us off guard didnt he the old cunt? Not that he was that old, one time there was birthday cards out and although it’s unlikely to be the actual date of his birth we couldnt look away from them, couldn’t not think about how all this shit ages people, twists and rots our bodies and souls. It got us in touch with a deep sense of usness we needed though. What we fight and why, a cold and relentless sense of purpose and pride.

Cancelled parents evening, was getting close to nauseous over it as the day went on. Zoe would of told us to. Its not essential, teachers can be talked to over the phone where there arnt loads of other parents. Phoned the docs about fitness note, thats been laying on us pretty heavy to but if we dont do it we wont be able to pay rent or eat. Wanted to ask about seeing a doctor about giving us some short term anti anxiety meds but when the receptionist said the note woukd be available later we couldn’t bring ourself to push it. It would of most likely just meant diazepam and you know we kinda fucking hate diazepam. In that place where a noise is enough to send our heart rate way up and then feel awful and weepy for ages after. There was an email from the landlord and we knew was routine and nothing to panic about but still we were panicking, shaking.

Hows you lovely? You a mess to? At least i can think the truth about you now. Yeah we need help to make the new garden all fabulous as well all the depression, anxiety and killer loneliness. And to help motivate us to excercise so our knees dont get so sore. You still love me? I dont eat salt and vinegar hula hoops so much, salt and vinegar ringos on the other hand we buy and hide from Pablo. You get cheese and onion ringos to and there also tasty, used to buy a big share bag from Dundee bus station and end up scoofing them in a oner and feeling ill..

Making spag bol tomorrow, mince is defrosting. Theres a ciabatta in the freezer to will take it out and put some lurpak and garlic in. Its always a good excuse to buy red wine is spag bol night.

Man im gonna be fucking gutted if this post ends up being a factor in you bloody dying as well. Really hope not, we loves yous and think we could see you without it bringing about certain death, for you, me and pabs anyway.