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Showing posts from March, 2016

Always

There is a pull to face it head on be proud to be the ice dragon plunges itself into the heart of the volcano and through my destruction bring peace to the land.  To give in. We are grounded in something more solid than parable though. The littles sick shrink got to are very scared and we are struggling to organise ourselves in a way that we can communicate with them or reach them at all.Wasn't quite as bad today as yesterday. Quite awful though. Dude is sleeping next to us. He said he was scared but didn't know why earlier, we said he was probably picking it up from me. We are just so desperate to be close to another human. Just lieing back to back with our legs leaning against each other is so nice we can feel stress leaving. He is a kid of course so the stress is topped up by all the essential saying that he couldn't sleep until he stopped saying it for a couple of seconds and feel asleep. We waited til he was asleep before we made ourself hot chocolate. He brushed his …

Properly

"Properly"How we should behave while we are here. It comes from us being someone who wants to do things well if we are going to do them at all but we when taken here surrounded by people who do so much harm we can't be like that so we can't be at all. On top of that came the attempts to turn that thoroughness for themselves which we couldn't do they settled for focusing on bringing our the inferiority complex because we can't live up to our potential and did successfully force on us a part that wants to put all that drive into keeping our head down and basically doing what we are told within certain limits.It really seems to worry them that those parts knew they were part of a system and they would call in help. We would pretend we we were parts we weren't some times to stop that but it wasn't always possible particularly during the times they keep us chained up for months. She probably thinks she gave away more than she did. The whole cult of abuse i…

And when they make us forget everything we just start again and we always end up in the same place.

Time change the same as Ester almost never made it through a few of them and lots didn't in a DID way and in a being murdered during gang rape kind of way. Think we might of just overcooked the corn feed chicken yesterday though.Wobbled over taking the gabapentin at regular intervals instead instead of being reminded of it when we start really wanting to die. The antidepressants that we went to so much crap to get are still setting at the chemist. Funnily enough we disengage with the medical profession when interactions with the medical profession cause health problems. Fucking obvious the first time or so someone seems really understanding and well briefed and then after that is a cold cunt. Its a pattern we see to often to not notice even when we are really trying not to.This is the last time we need to remind our self not to go to that particular GP. There will always been a very strong sense of shit going on when we engage with doctors in particular and that stops us from bein…

Cycle of life Saturday?

Slaughter Sunday?You won't be able to get over the loss of your bairns at Easter that's what it will all be about for you.
We feel like that all the time anyway.
Yeah but it will be worse at Easter.
*furrowed brow*This lot, part of the overlapping rings that are protected nationally and internationally, were are about finding out as much as they could about victims through speaking to people, talking to their other abusers, watching them and interrogation during torture and abuse aimed at accessing parts so they gave information about the rest of the victim's DID system whilst trying to keep victims amnesiac of the methods they used to get the info. When we were back in a place were we could we couldn't stop ourself wondering if it was an IQ thing, why it had worked on them and not on me. We learned to anything but essential thinking when its ongoing the dissociation and parts that leads to are a nightmare to engage with after. Especially don't want to be wondering…

Small victories

We were told share as much here as we could by people who seemed good. It always helps the bad anxiety. The parts that are triggered and fearing the worst see they are not alone and that whoever hurt them isn't as powerful as they make out. We already made the appointment to cancel being on the list to see the Dundee D.I.D NHS counselor. Too many abusers have already said we are going. We have spoken to other survivors who were seeing them. Its part of the many horrible futures Elaine & Jacqui would say was going to happen sometimes without knowing we were in a state to think or answer back. Bertie's face that time we said we would not only be in a longterm relationship with Steff but we would also be giving him regular blow jobs was fabulous and hasn't lost its power to make us giggle. There is no physical way we could travel there, leaving Pablo here, to go back into that. An DID counselor. Who works with the NHS. In Dundee. Who we have been told is part of the rings…

Rosa

Rigid biological determinist social hierarchy. But it was so much the focus that we were always looking for what was going on under neath. We knew about the looking for people with certain potentials there was something else protecting activities. Mostly we were wrong though. Its the late 20th century and early 21st century transatlantic slave trade for recreational, surveillance and military use. We know who we trained ourself to turn to. Always us. Always me. The stuff with Chris Todd telling us he was our real Dad. Calling us Rosa. When we had been tortured out of remembering are real Dad whenever we were being watched. Trying to get us to transfer our love and trust onto slaver who will never see as anything other than a bunch of parts to hacked apart and sold. It didn't work but it made it harder to remember we were Rosa and that we were strong and loved.

My problem with Diazepam in the past Mr GP is that traffickers force them on victims such as myself from a very young age you fucking tool.

Not that we said that. We were struggling with all words and not crying or screaming.Hope to try and redraft the last post about the abuse Jacqui was triggering and the programming she was trying to reinforce from the British military ring. Not right now though. It does help us feel stronger when we remember the Jacqui/Elaine/Shona smugness over our feeling helpless. When we obviously weren't going to get any humanness from the GP when asked for more drugs which was stupid because that gives them more power and a chance to say more shit that isn't relevant or is just fiction. We smashed plate when we got back then hide in Fall Out 3 grateful for the amnesic barriers we have that mean we can play it without knowing it inside out.Your are not going to be OK was the jist of most of what they said. Jacqui talked about us loosing our benefits because you don't get them without letters from your doctors saying you deserve them and she was happy to tell us was making that even ha…

All scum and no pond

Its gonna be clear to some why there has been so much focus on Jacqui and what she said would happen to us the recent future. Her job was to to reinforce earlier stuff. Stuff that we starting to see without either feeling nothing but terror or nothing all. They did lots of fake memory stuff. We see the lesser of the evils. What might of happened if whatever happened hadn't happened. What would school of been like today if you had gone, you were older than you are not in agony and not pregnant. If you let him into your fault and he had raped you what would that of been like? If you had let them into your flat and they didn't rape you what would that be like. Its a bit more complicated cause they are trying to play parts within a persons system against each other. Just like they do with children and adults. If you don't do this we will do that to them. So also not complicated. Its just that if you don't understand what DID is or how it used in extreme abuse cultures then…

and long live the Resistance..

She said we wouldn't be able to handle the remembering. That our littles wouldn't be able to survive what she was doing to us. We didn't want to show how much we doubted this because we weren't up for making things worse. There was so much basic misunderstandings about DID in people who thought they were mind control experts but were parrots and vessels for other people. We knew that through the sessions it would be impossible to hide from the ring she was representing that many of their real grandmasters and their favourite projects were long dead and their skills incinerated with them and the operations to neutralise the rest was ongoing. We played the truth because no one ever believes it, then the we can't tell you who we are working for they are worse abusers than you shit and that worked for a good while until eventually the 20 years of us telling and showing the worst that we would be involved in the neutralising with or without instruction or support caught…

Hangers & Specific Threats.

He's not in school today. Its less the time in class or the playground that scares us as much as the walk there and back, too many people too many cars, our attention and focus all over the fucking place. A security nightmare. Its been ages since anyone told us we are not alone and their are tonnes of really violent people with motives to shut us down. Too many specific threats from Dundee and when they weren't getting to us, from higher ups further away, organised crime, American & British Establishment cutting out the middlemen. Sir our existence to date excludes any faith in the validity of the justice system we focus our efforts on gathering and sharing information such as phone calls like this..Specific horrific threats not just about today of course. Jacqui for one listed them, possible attacks covering this time.  Even if we arw physically safe enough we can't force ourself to go through the fear and the chills and the not knowing alone.  We are acknowledging an…

That mask that they put Hannibal Lecture in .. Can we get one of them?

We took the playmobil out today. We struggle to play but just looking at them, arranging them and holding them makes us happy. We took the day off when he was at school. Except to hoover the and tidy up the downstairs a bit. Failing on the eating front. We remember Jacqui talking to littles telling us we wouldn't be able to eat, all the times she presented a sympathetic front to them but was pushing them down, its sad but you are all going die she would say, it is sad that everyone is going to die but that includes you to Jacqui and our littles smiled cause they knew we had their back.Deek  rapes seemed to be pushed forward as an appetite killer and of course all the if you don't consent/act the part you don't eat captivity/exclusion/murder attempts. No one was allowed to let us inside or feed us.. Every time we saw Grace reject food and go a long time without eating anything hot, with protein we just wanted to run and hide. We couldn't tell what was us and what was he…

They've done it to everyone Laura including you..

Someone asked us last year to write about the Todd's keeping people in darken rooms and constantly raping them, starvation and ear plugs often to sensory depravation and torture to get someone to give up on whoever they were before so they can tell you what you are know  They talked about it in the Glen and where still doing it 30 years later. They did it to adults, children and animals. We remember one time getting out of the room in Charleston and begging Beth for help. She did the whole there is nothing she could do about it enabler line, her sister did the same. Another time we were pulled out of there with a very extended stomach and prepubescent, we weren't pregnant. We remember the police saying no one was going to believe it and it clicking with them why we wanted everything filmed all the time. We don't remember what happened after but we think we got to recover out of the UK before being brought back. Everything as it was.Laura would pass on the line that it was …

I do, I do, I do!

It is nice to be here. When Jacqui told us we wouldn't be able to decorate his room we would be too tired we didn't think she really believed it. There was often a "its your choice" with a sense that it wouldn't be a good idea and if that didn't work threats would get less and less veiled. The aggression less subtle. Ah thank you for triggering the memory of that torture session the amnesia another ring forces on us really gets in the way of us processing stuff but now you have brought to mind whats bothering us we feel much better.. I guess when slave production networks and facilitates are sold by the military they forget to include proper instructions. You would think they didn't care..She tried to convince parts that our tiredness, our depression, our PTSD was all down to her. Yeah Jacqui we would say just you and Elaine and the Todd's and the Johnston's all by your selves if we were really lucky she would start listing others and going into d…

Finishing chapters..

Started the woodwork and then stopped when we started to feel the same exhausted weepines we felt when forced out of bed to do housework or go to school and pretend we are older than we are. Then we remembered how little sleep we got and figured it made sense to wrap it up. We did the door frame including the bit on the floor so that means we can't go back in there unless we want to fuck up what we have done. Keep worrying that we making a room we like rather than him. He just told us though that the most important thing to him was that we put in lots of effort..
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.......Don't know what kept us up last night. The writing has helped us getting to a place where the horrors of been trafficked into and from Aberdeen and Dundee feel like a past chapter but we are wary of that we know they encourage that just to take it down. Certainly seem to be past just focusing on the okay moments and using them to build fictional narratives about non abusive relationships and safe environme…

Churning

She was all up for taking credit for the state we are in, how our flat was looking more like Elaine's in terms of how messy it was, at how our mood was low child care was near impossible. They don't like when we mention that there is no way we would be in a position to be damaged by her if a bunch of others hadn't made it possible for them, how they are nasty cogs and it's the machine that's scary. They are like children when you deny them their only power as network members, the power to terrify an individual by repeated acts of evil. In the sessions she wasn't going to start shouting and stamping her but you could see could she how tense she was getting. Can only remember one time when she lost it and started shouting in sessions in Broughty and it just made our attack of the giggles even worse.There was a fair amount of you will be a sex worker because the benefits system will not support you and you will have to eat and feed bairn/s. There has been a fair a…

You think your therapist is bad? Pfft

So how much are the threats a factor in us not looking for more therapy? We tend to see them as a machine so focusing all its influence and all our fears on the hate from any specific cog or set of cogs never held. It is there though as is the fuck that drive to power through and try anyway. The exhaustion of traveling on public transport alone that scares us as much ring threats. Pabs isn't Laura people won't just stand by and let him be killed. And the king pins have been dropping like flies. No shortage of young or middle aged scum but we tend to see them coming and if we don't someone else does. She was quite convinced and tried to convince us as did Elaine that Pabs was going to be murdered, that he wouldnt make adulthood. Plenty others who just didn't do it when we were quite so awake. People named here among them but which tbh would involve us guessing. But would probably be right cause the non public faces of organised crime are always going to be encouraging t…

He loves me like a rock..

Its over. Yeah right. No more satanic shrinks, child rapist drinking companions, no more or at least very little BS family, no more buying weed from a bloke who a bloke who brings up bairns to sell them.We do believe it its just we believe that all being over also means no hope of seeing people who love us or doing work we love again either.Of course there were awful times when she hurt us to and she told us we would find it really difficult to get back into therapy, especially letting people work with the littles because of what she was doing. She told us we would not be safe if we went back into therapy and neither would Pabs. It was the kind of thing that would only get to us if we were already down.  When she told us our period was late she was doing the you poor pitiful creature routine. Much more effective than when she told us she had written a letter saying we shouldn't get custody of Sonny to us in an arrangement that was amnesiac to Sonny's existence but isn't am…

No Jacqui an adult who abuses is an abuser not a victim. Your enabling them.

Did Dr Jacqui and the rest of the Dundee professional traffickers help Elaine get Dasha & Ems back to Elaine so they could torture, rape and sell them more? They are good strong kids but they believed in better days and there was always scum and victims around when I was little telling us things would be better soon to encourage us to not run or fight and destroy the hope when we it wasnt true.  We liked the way stronger us'es often came forward when she started the worst of the triggering and emotional abuse. Like on the phone when we asked if she was helping Elaine get the kids back and she said she was and that she believed it was important that she did that and harder us slipped out and told her we wouldn't be back then slipped back again to being broken littles saying what they were supposed to. When she would try and convince us that we were an rapist because the rings turn everyone into one and all the ring rapists she was seing had told her we are and we laughed. T…

No good for us here and music makes it worse.

Dad.
The day started well enough. Dude has bad fever we have hung out with him a bit. Even painted his bedroom ceiling. Whilst taking rests and snacking. But now we just hear our petrified voice when we pointlessly called out 'mum' when they put down the tarp.For all the dream team hell and the morning calls its the reason we hate Sundays and can't handle Mothering Sundays. We haven't moved on. From that day on all we do is tolerate people until they go away again. See things that need to be broken and then break them. We aren't remembering enough to remember what or if we named but we knew who we were and named her Alexis didn't we? Its one of the names written on the ceiling in Dudes room from when Laura stayed here and kids were coming in and out lots 'Lexi' its in purple pen or some shit and we have tried sanding and all sorts and will take all few more coats of paint for all their names to gone.I'm very glad he has lost his appetite coz it woul…
Hello Family,Saturday. No School run. Or school preparation. Or missing him in the crowd after the bell went because he's a slow walker and we stopped leaving early so we waited for ages then scurrying home to find him waiting at the door when we really have cut off the vast majority of our ring connections and of course we have been told lots that they will kill the dude. Our flesh didn't freak out to too much it was more concerned with our fitness level. Mind went there briefly though. As minds do. We are letting some of the emotions towards Jacqui flow. There's a lot of hate, lot of kind of disgusted confusion, little sense that the good she did for us was anything other than essential to maintain some professional validity i.e. grooming, a fear in some littles silent rage in others. Shrinks supporting trafficking rings are not helpful. Remember we wrote about her meeting with other RA therapists, how many cases over how many years, she was always in out of court, writi…

Yeah probs be on the Demon Headmaster shrink for a while..

In her own words she was just doing a job there are no abuser parts she would say. We were constantly second guessing how much she knew about what she was doing. We still are but as we are not sitting in that room or making that journey its not quite so pressing. Its what the rings do, make sure their abusers are looked after while setting out to destroy any sign of hope in the victims. She would get frustrated whenever we tried to explain how much she had endanger lives and the people she was telling me was trying to support were active. Sometimes it was like she expected us to just accept she was going to engage with traffickers, our traffickers and tell me what they were saying lies and horrific triggers because she expects us to believe they have treatable DID. She was required to produce reports against us and our attempts at contributing to inquires and in support of rape and child abuse addicts for whatever they may require whilst doing there best to undermine us during times t…