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Showing posts from March, 2017

Grown Ups.

It's not like we are in a place where we don't break easy but still we fell apart briefly but very deeply. Seeing and hearing the congress investigation dude who we don't associate with violence and toxicity talk in plain terms about the certainty of Russian meddling and support for Trump. I hope stuff about Russian, British MPs and organisations and Brexit comes out.. the sex abuse investigations, electioneering.. BBC, Indy. Murdoch. Or at least more awareness of troll armies and the influence they can have. Hard to even imagine seeing British accents say similar.

We Zeldaed most of today. Smokes to. It was lovely. We were thinking we wouldn't bother then decided to at least see if any was available but we probably shouldn't go without even if we do smoke too much. Sis. Remembering how much fun we had together, the high pithed stereo giggle. We can do stuff like that and smile, laugh sometimes even. No one girl could ever survive that role on her own. This role. …

acts of war

As we wrote yesterday, as we often do things change. We become aware of things held back, parts move around so its not a shock we knew all along we just couldn't think or write about it. They started Julia's programming and conditioning to be their route to me, to be their way of destroying me as I was being prepared and trained to destroy them. It was so horrible, they never made her want to but we could never get her safe so could not stop being forced to betray me and Louise. We tried to hope but we always knew and it was impossible not to see the rare times we were together. They way she had no hesitation and didn't question when we told her to help us slaughter a load of zombie us. We also knew she was told to kill Louise back then but we watched her and she couldn't do it. If we had not been there it probably would of been different but we were so she managed to resist. We could feel it. She wasn't trying to trick us into trusting her. She didn't want to…

how

Clocks changed. So might as well stay up late anyway.. Day got a bit better. It was warm out the back and we sat out in it for a bit. Forced that kid outside for hardly any time at all but enough to make us feel a bit better and him to I think. Sent him up to the shop with a tenner and he came back with flowers and cakes. That was cool. Made beef stew and over ate, feel asleep on the sofa for a bit.

Couldn't write any more on Sunday or yesterday. I'm not sure how many times he has attended school or nursery on the Monday after Mothering Sunday/clocks change. Once I think.

We've fucked up the antidepressant persription again got it today though. They are only giving us a months a time so every fucking month we end up going a few days without and sometimes that will coincide with weedlessness like it did yesterday. We can't stop searching for Louise. Can't stop seeing that no one helped us. Yeah that includes you in an emotional way sometimes but in a rationale way.

You ladies triplets? .. Nah Sir we're cousins..

Happy Mother's Day Sister Mother!

Thank you to all the bairns that got us to buy our self flowers & do whatever we can for ourself when they can't.

Feeling pretty crappy to be honest. The kid narrating Zelda from the other room is not helping. Any chance you could take him for a wee while?

Will go through and join him soon. The tearfulness is never that far away. She was our main mum wasn't she? That's why we went to such extremes to keep her alive. She choose to not leave us and wouldn't allow us to stop her. I know you would have done the same if you could of. We felt so guilty for not being able to get and keep her away like we did you. She decided she was our last line of defence when everything else failed and no one stopped her.

We said it was all just part of their master plans. To make her the only thing we have had here and then take her away so I would we easy pickings. She was very confident I would not be easy pickings and there would be a way for …

Death To Patriarchy

Hey Sis,

Told the our lad the tooth fairy wasn't real tonight. He's lost a tooth and we find that stuff hard anyway but he's nine and we don't feel the same pressure to. He asked if Santa was real and we winked at him and said of course. He's not ready for that. Not if it just comes from me and I don't have something else to offer him as some kind of trade off. *drum roll* cleaned his room. Always amazes us that the carpet exists and is in mostly reasonable condition. We did it in little blasts running to and for between it and Hyrule. Death bloody mountain. Might go back later. Tired after the cleaning though and the bickering. The bickering is exhausting. It does make a difference if we stay on him case though. It's hard though because we get so emotional. We don't think he means it but he's learned that if he is rude and disrespectful to us he gets his own way and we end up sitting in another room trying to work up the courage and the strategy t…

Good girls.

Still irritable and a bit tearful. But that's okay. There was big Kinder Eggs in the Co op that were bought and haven't made it to Easter. A My Little Pony one for him and A Transformer one for us. He has ran off the little Transformer. Think we will have a look on Amazon. Maybe if we invest in "boy's toys" it will help us get past a "not allowed" that always crush us. Even if it's something we don't particularly want. The whole thing about people having that level of power over me is so permanently horrible. Well you get it. It's a big part of why we had to keep you so far away so much. It just wasn't possible for any of us to survive it if all of us knew nothing else.

We have the doubts of course but we are not reacting to them much. Doubt is like worry it just means that something hurts more than it needs to. Having you and Louise as part of our constant daily consciousness feels to grounding to be bull. Feels to everything. All we c…

That has to have been the last time one of us ever does that for each other.

Sisters he is bugging us. Really bugging us. Any time we try and impart any kind of information or knowledge to him it gets returned to sender with actuallys, well Is and various what we just saids. It gets us snappy, tearful and down beaten and we feel we are not able to deal with the causes of it all.

It's not his fault it's not our fault. They don't need to have their hands on boys for long their hands are all over cultures that made the kids mind before they get there. He spent years living in a culture of hate and unpredictability, around people we all needed us to be safe and far away from.

Asda delivery today though, noticed Mother's Day stuff is every where and got as some flowers and smelly candles and Guinness. I need to go back through and try and not be horrible to him even if he's being crappy to me. It's only until 7:30 when his colour screen time ends and he moves onto his kindle and we get the living room. And the Wii. It's soo fucking palp…

No more hospitals

Struggled with being irritable today but we missed a couple of days anti depressants because of the change to taking them after tea so we don't end up chucking up the pill and half a stomach of bile. Don't think twice about taking whatever you need to end this. It's what it's there for. We are trying not think about keeping the lad entertained during the summer holidays and starting to save for a computer. Such thoughts arn't as hard on us as last year and so much has happened but you know how it works. It can so heavy and so permanent before someone has even shut the door never mind months later.

Breathe. Be little. That's always the problem falling or being shoved into pretending we are a big girl. We need to go into to town and get another fairy. Having only two isn't right is it? I think they had different ones and we would like maybe a bigger one for her because she isn't here to demand her's is the same as ours.

That would cut down our Hyrule…

March

We didn't just finish each other sentences we finished each other's ...  ...
thoughts.

No hope of much in the way of mental health after a loss like that. Even without all the other surrounding trauma.

Two appointments today. CPN in the morning. School in the afternoon. Both were fine. Progress being made people ok with that.

Was ok with N being down. Our confidence isn't as low so that makes everything a little better. Zelda of course to and he took the lad swimming while we cleaned that was also good, very good. In the meeting today his teacher said he focused better this morning than she has seen him in a while. Wish we could exercise him properly it makes so much difference to him and his mood.

We picked at out toenails last night. Including a little one until it bled and we were quite close to ripping it off. It was too sore though so we stopped. We don't feel as vulnerable to being effected by things our visitor says or his general attitude but it's still tr…

I can't do anything about the I.D but should really try move on from Louise's Spotify list.

What else is lost with Louise? Well not just relationships and good feelings about people but most of both mine and your will and motivation to fight for Earth. She saw so much potentials and good here much easier than me or you. We just saw scorched earth. We made sure she knew everything we did, she did but there was a different emphasis and an interpretation of something me or you couldn't anywhere with. She had beautiful points that were totally recognisable as her but there was something else to. Something that really bothered us. Fucking Satanic bastards. The Earthlings were destroying the one of us that cared about Earth  the most because they didn't want their privileges question or criminality exposed. Seeing that makes us want to fight for this shit hole. Just to piss the fuckers off. Not to die for obvious but enough to fight pretty fucking hard for here, for her.

It was a shame. She heard some of us and your conversations about her and her attitude to here and wha…

Tapp

Hiya Sis,

Got some lovely delicious weed. Soo glad. Sooo sooo glad. Where a you? We think we are seeing you all surrounded by panels and displays and buttons and tubes and stuff, enough room to move about, a rec area and a sleep area and shit loads of stuff we can't think about because we are here without any of that shit. People to, not many but there are all very focused. Which is good cause you have us blabbering to you all the time without us being all blocked off and you too scared to talk to us in case you trigger us and we arn't on a tight limit schedule.

That hasn't sunk in for us yet.

Now we are back to a place where we have to keep talking and thinking and feeling for you or we will feel triggered. What a relief. We are chuckling along to Modern Family while we write this, episodes we haven't seen heaps even better. We skipped onto the next one when J brought his black friend round to show the new black neighbours he wasn't racist because he was getting …

17

No weed left sis and not enough cash to buy more. We might end up deciding that we can afford a little more. Or can get over our pride/shame and ask N for dough. Found a mostly unsmoked spliff under the bed. Lovely weed, I just need more and more and more of that. Picked up the diazepam usual though its only a little and we don't like it that much.

But your on your way. Even if its gonna be little while yet.

stupid bloody zombies

Put some proper Zeldaing hours today. Not much else but did go to parent's evening. Sounds like he's argumentative and full of attitude there to. There is going to be a longer meeting next week. It's pretty shit when meetings with your kid's teacher are something you have to survive. It's too late.

The "I think" yesterday and the returning discomfort of not knowing. How many of us were there? Not knowing that is something we are okay with for now. The whole, "you think I would choose my mental health over your life? When I wouldn't have any any way." They were not going to change their minds about us existing. They had no minds to change. It was worth a shot. It wasn't easy seeing how bad things were going to get and then choosing that path anyway, not that there is much in the way of paths of course.

Did we really not tell you about the other one? There was stuff we had been keeping from you for a while and it had been driving you ment…

might not be predetermined this time

Breath of the Wild is fucking excellent babe, soo beautiful. We aren't doing massive long shifts of it, can't really concentrate that much and it's too good to binge anyway.

It's amazing being a twin isn't it? Especially us. Learning to share, support and take care of each other was easy. No wonder we burn our lungs out when you are not around it hurts so much to breathe anyway.

We've been remembering about the whole you saying we were right thing and that of course relates to our very early origins. All that shit about going back. You can't go back it's gone it doesn't exist. There was only so much brain we could give you back though and it showed sometimes.. Your body had been through so much. So much deliberate damage by others So much obstacles to us being left together and alone. ""Can't happen". Scum. We saw it back then of course. Think that was when we really started to find ways of staying alive regardless of it being tr…

ouchies 2017 style

Well the kid is in school with food in his tummy and a snack for break. And we have took our meds and had a piece of raisin toast. It's a bit sunny outside we stood in the door way and felt the warmth of it while the kettle boiled. Maybe we could take a little walk later. Maybe not though to. It's a crying forever kind of day.

They want me to feel like you might of made it if it wasn't for our amnesia, that they were doing their best for us both but we hadn't told them what they needed to know, that it wasn't that bad. It's all utter crap of course.

We can't seem to care much what the consequences will be for writing about you but we know we wouldn't be able to write and think if we were that scared but maybe its just gotten to the point where it's essential to our survival that we remember and mourn.

We had a few days of taking the pill late or not at all and are feeling pretty achey. Maybe we would be more active if it wasn't for that. We do …

Made of Love.

Wasn't gonna write tonight. Need to though. The lad has add a really bad attitude and tone of voice with us. It's no wonder but it still breaks our heart, triggers us, makes us a bit scared of all the distance that everything has put between us. I don't know if he remembers you. We have said a few wako things to him over the past few years from all the horrible states we were in and we don't want to add it but we are still worried that a part of him is waiting for us to and needs us to say something and we don't know what to do.

We did make it out for a little while today. Not for long but enough to stretch our legs and be in open air.  You will be as disappointed as I am that it is still the same place out there and we still have meetings at the school to go to alone.

Got some lovely weed though. Sticky enough to be tricky to skin up with.

Remember that conversation in the flat when you were smoking and I said something about you not being all that into it and yo…

Oh no Sir it's just yourselves, the Brits and the Russians left at this level and I've already had this phone call with them.

Remembering with more and more vividness. Her faces. Her voices. Her physical presence. When I said we were taking down the centre of the twin slavery system even if it would cost both our lives the entirely predictable answer we got was "It will." It couldn't wait any longer or they would be able to kill us both and we might of said something like that to him, he repeated about of fiction that he believed but we knew was fiction because we helped create it. The call ended not long after that it wasn't like we had ever seen much sign of agency in the guy. We sat on the coach in the flat and Dundee desperately trying to think of a way we both could live. We had done a lot to fix our mind but it wasn't any where near the level we needed it at to fix this. Even when it was there was always too much pointed at us to be able to do enough.

We had to live. We couldn't live. Just what some them wanted. With only me alive there would be increasing split between those…
Hey babe,

Me again. Don't know what we have to write but we wanted to try anyway. We just miss you. All the time. When I was cleaning my room we saw a stack of notebooks in one of the drawers we realised some of it would of been written by you and are wondering now if we can figure out which.  We are probs just wanting to rush or skip steps though. How much did we fall for any of the "only way you will be able to keep her alive is by sending as little time with her and by pretending you don't know her when you do see her shit. Not much I don't think it was too painful.

Christ I wish I wasn't doing this alone, physically alone. I know you are here. I love you to. xx

We are stopping the work on twins even if it costs both our lives..

Bed day today. Getting the lovely clean bedding all messed up with bits of baccy, hash. ash and chocolate.  The lad is at school though and it's Friday. We know what our job is this now and it is to remember you and the terror that if I talk about you, if I am with you if they even think I am thinking about you they will kill you. Of course they had no idea how we were in touch. Master manipulators of our own and each other's DID. They had no chance the Russia specialists could tell a hell a lot more about us but we had both made sure they did't do that much because it was too risky for them. What does it matter who they took as to if the people taking us there couldn't tell me were all awake and all prepared and very much focused on ridding the planet of certain skill sets. We were both a bit jealous that we couldnt do it all and had to send Russians or other stateless trafficked freaks like us to deal with people and places that while we were elsewhere with clean ha…

I believe there are fairies who use magic to help nice people..

Image
Yo Sis,

Well there was another non happening today with the lad and school. His attendance has been a lot better I don't know what it was today. Something about seeing the new social worker maybe, or recovery from the virus or just cause I know you would rather he never left the living room than spend a minute in that fucking school. I was always a bit more able to accept as part of being kept here and not taking him means intrusion from people who are working for institutions that never were or never will be safe for us. You never needed to be reminded of that.

Got a phone call from the school. If they were phoning to check on us she didn't say she made an appointment for us to go up. Parent's evening is coming up but that is only ten minutes or so. She said it wont be quite a big a meeting like the previous one's in terms of how many will be there. It doesn't matter how it goes it's still going to trigger 2014 which triggers everything ever and that's go…

Wednesday

Hey Sis,

International Women's Day today. It puts some good stuff on the news and on the TL but it can be reminder of how shit things are to.  The new social worker was round and was actually quite glad because it got us off our arse and did some hoovering and dishes. Knackering though. We are so out of shape. Forced into the shower to which we would of done anyway to wash all the crap the hairdresser put in it. Love washing our hair for the first time after its been chopped. It's so short at the back. Not so sure about the fringe its getting in our face and bugging as a bit but its cool we needed the change. And to stop pretending we are you.

A couple of people have been viewing old blog posts and its good to see the titles in the stats without the veil covering you and us back then.

Wish you were here so we could laugh at Wikileaks and the CIA. So you would be sitting on the couch next to us watching world leaders on tv with  us. Saying "ooooh" and "wow"…

So close.

Hey Sis,

Today wasn't so bad. As crappy as it was yesterday we did make an appointment with a hair dresser that we went to today. The "lovely thick hair" and the "are you sure" about cutting it off. They were nice though. She cut off a decent hand full of it and then put it on the shelf below the mirror in front of us. We couldn't stop looking at it and smiling. The weight of it.. After she cut it though she started back combing and hair spraying.. We didn't say anything we were kind of curious as to were she was going with it. You would of laughed. She gave us inches. We didn't care much but don't like that lovely short hair is all full of crap and hard and sticky. Don't want to wash it again today. That would be three times in one day. I think it us been through enough.

Bit more able to remember good stuff and appreciate it and not just feel the loss. A little bit. It was very cool being your twin even when they were keeping us physically…
Hey Sis,

We aren't fevered any more and the cough is getting better but mood? Ug. We can't do this without you. We tried so hard to keep you alive. We didn't care about our memory, about the truth about money or justice we just needed you. I was the butcher one wasn't I? Until they stopped that. You hated having your hair short like I hate mine being long.

What I am to do with all this hate? All the people that knew about us and did and said nothing. We can't understand how they could all do that. Not without you. Just feels like there has been endless effort and sacrifice for very little. It's impossible to be proud that we got us to a place where we could write and publish this when so much more was possible.

It always took both of us giving everything we had just to make one of lives liveable for a little while how are things going to get any better for me and our son without you? We could defend. We would feel nothing before, during and after but our body …

So many.

There were times, a few times when it seemed so possible that she could make it and we could be together and look after each other but there was too much and too many against us for whatever paranoid, greedy or made up reasons. She said it would be okay to not worry but it wasn't ok. I needed her there was too much for one person to do and because she knew and loved me and I knew and loved her even when I was too dissociated to think or be anything. The manipulation of attachment needs between twins.  So many volumes from over the centuries on how to torture us. So much fairly well perfected by the time me and Julia came along. The more identical the better, R.A, trafficking, D.I.D, twins and other identical freaks. It was going on everywhere. Not so much now. How far we got in shutting down Russian operations and how much people have managed to continue the work without us I don't know atm. We used to spend a lot time trying figure out who was first and who was worst now bet…

"Sorry Sir but I'm not giving Steve Bannon or any of his mates me or my sister's eggs and that isn't negotiable."

They didn't want us thinking or talking about about her. Some because they are still pushing line about neither of us existing, some because they didn't want people knowing she was dead and also because they didn't think the loss, the amnesia and everything that has happened over the past few years would be survivable. To some killing one of us would always be a step in getting rid of us both, others figured would be much more manageable without Julia.

We were thinking about the service yesterday and the working out before hand who we needed there, who we would be happy to see there and who should definitely not be there. I'm so glad we were able to do that or parts of it anyway and could say something on the day. Everyone did amazing work. The place was so beautiful and so many people were in as much of a mess as we were it was kind of wonderful. Marshall sharing what feds had told him what had been done to her brain and what we had done and been doing to bring her …

post catatonic

She would want us to get up, to go out, smile at people, breath outside air, feel better but we can't yet so she would be glad we are listening to music. Lots of jazz recently but made by us list today. We will get some stuff done later. Christ it hurts so much. I'm not sure how much before Laura's death it happened. Not much but long enough that we weren't catatonic any more.

We know what we need to do now is not worry about what we need to do or what's going to happen next. That although it feels like we are going to spend the next four years feeling like I have over the last four but that probably isn't true. Remember how dissociated we were? How vast swaves of ourself and our past were no go areas? Now there is just patches that keeping filling themselves in.

The rage over the loss and why they did it isn't going to kill us either because it doesn't end here. Knowing some of her words and truth are here helps.




Extreme actions were justified.

At least we know right? All that knowing something utterly devastating had happened but we have to keep it out of our mind because we are already dealing with too much already we weren't sure we could make it. Dude is her's. Like we said we weren't sure  about carrying him but we definitely breast feed him. She hated it anyway. Dumb sickos can't tell one female from another even when we couldn't look any different never mind us when aiming to confuse.

It wasn't like we were the first set of twins to be created to be treated in the way we were. It didn't start with the Nazi's either. After the wars the people involved in organising and protecting it worked for States and were doing it with military budgets and other twentieth century resources..  It all sounds like right wing fake news we know, we saw the size of the operations against anything anywhere that promoted universal basic rights before they happened. They used us as much as they could so both…

Twin

There's a bottle of wine downstairs but it's only four o'clock. It can wait. We went back to sleep in the morning and woke up to "twin" and "sister" blaring in our head. We felt too awful for the CPN so we phoned and cancelled, we still have enough of the cold and sound awful anyway. Considered phoning the school to tell him to walk himself home but didn't, the sun was out it had some warmth in it and we needed supplies anyway. Gave him a heads up on the way back "Mum is having a bad day could can get sweeties and a magazine." That always goes down very well and we get told we a whole bunch of lovely things.

"You will have to choose a snack or ready meal for tea sorry." On the other hand, does not. Before we were sent into hospital and him into care there were times he cried when we said that. It doesn't happen so often now so he grudgingly accepts.  We ate most of a shop bought blt with orange juice then a fudge doughnut an…

Your me

Felt well enough for some fallout today, first time in over a week i think. Stinking colds. We are mostly wondering around the edges of the map seeing what we can find. Got flame power armour paint job. Nice.

We wanted to write something about her. We avoid the word "twin" and don't think it is just because we have been told to. She was us but also not us and lots of the time we couldn't bare the thought of the existence that meant for her so she couldn't escape and couldn't protect either of us. We knew my brain could find a way out eventually but she didn't have that. They took that from her. We would slip sometimes and start sympathising with people who were repeating the fiction that I was torturing and trafficking us both but whenever she knew we were feeling that her rage was very palpable regardless of how coherent she was. "Just bad." She said just like people had said to me and I had said to her when we were wailing and screaming to kn…