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Showing posts from March, 2011
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Still Hear

take is easy
It's not like I have a choice in the matter and
don't call me 'easy'.
Why did you look so scared when we
hugged goodbye? Did you think
I was asking you to stay. Or
did you think I would
kill when I looked
up into those stormy eyes
with my head on your chest.
Did I remind you how vunrable
I was when they turned you into a tool.

For all that
its the Arab Spring like we talked
about its time to come home.
I can say 'MK Ultra' without getting woozey
and Alice in Wonderland is entertaining and enjoyable.
Take
the kids if you like I'd like another new one to.
Thank
the meds and the nervous
system that brought us back to me
still breathing depression soup
with the ghost knives twisting in my uterus that give the old withdrawl pain when I recognise
my needs and wants.
I saw Andrew and he sends his love eyes
still down but not like before his furrows
soften in pixelation instead
of sharpened.

GP

Seems to be a correlation, its an obvious one would be matter of fact in my teens but in my socialy desperate thirties is trickier. Health care professionals, support workers make me feel degraded. I hate that, your supposed to me supporting me I get fuck all done afterwards. I just want, to drink, cry I'm not saying it's all their fault, but blaming me for it 100% doesn't work either.

No fly zone, I am going to regret even mentioning it here. I did soon after, western intervention and all that. New world, the whole East/West thing doesn't cut it like it used to. It's nice to to hate everything thats being said my an American though, even if it is only for a while.

Good paid for my me shrink, you piss me off you make me want to get pissed, fuck, hand my body to the night in the hope that next time I won't wake up again.. I find someone else. It's not an easy way out or denial its realism. Life's to short to want to waste it, If I feel like that …

research

Just been doing some research into donor insemination, options up here seem a bit thin on the ground. London it is then. Him running about in the parks and museums in spring, more poems being printed. Marvelous.

let it rain

Fuck it.

Went for the 3 for a tenner deal at shoppe. There is a Rioja in there I'm looking forward to. The black is sweet and a bit weak but thats better than too strong.
Goddam essays.
Surely this one can get above 60 something. I've even used the course material in my argument because thats what lit crit is about isn't it, not about showing your own interpretation just your reaction to other peoples. Even if most of them are tools.

Saw the Scrubs episode with the muppets in it. Surely a pinnacle moment in 21st Century popular culture regardless of what happens next.

Sky news have put horrid distorted nightmare string noises on footage from Japan. I mean really, is that necessary?
xxxxxxxxx

Lazy Day

not riskin those fivers again, cheap change for bus into town tomorrow without wee dude. Tenner left on my markies card, stuff for the cupboard, wine, crisps and chocolate... hmm tricky decision. Well have to make more effort with budgeting.. next month.

Tomorrow I am mostly letting the impact of Japan start to break and mouring another Neo. It wasn't thr best of New Years, I was knackered from flitting and breast feeding, overweight and was bullyied by my nephew and his friend, then I bumped into Neo and his fiance. One last kiss to make sure I was going nowhere. awful.

when wee dude heard the 'allyally o' song at the end of Kate Nasby I was lurky about in the refuge kitchen. He came through and sang it to me.

Keep thinking pink, rose quartz, pink candles, pink light. Rosa.

x

a little help from my friends

Pretty grateful to my friend for paying the debt over the dodgy fivers, the men in the shop gave me a calander with bonny pictures of Scotland. Its not getting away with murder but its something and brightens up our bare kitchen. Struggled a bit this evening though, twice in three days I've spent hours in someone's company and my skin was crawling whenever we touched. Could be because he wanted to have sex, I wish he would ask so I could say no. I won't, I can't.

Started a poem last night about Japan, dreams, Tsunamis and the feeling of having seen all the news footage before. Everyone has surely, things that big have shadows that are ahead of them as well as behind. There something about the digitalisation and satellites, like I look at the stars and see whats going to happen reflected in their light. I remember talking H about them when they seemed constant, walking sky scrapers, water rising up bedroom windows (but who hasn't had that one) black water, …

snow

They were scrunching up notes when we got in. They didn't look very happy about it, something about the individual quirks in the way they crumpeled the notes. Something under the surface in the way they rubbed the paper between their hands and teased out the edges that was traumatic but bonded them to each other. Bob placed 50s between his palms and rubbed furiosly. David idlly tore edges and stoked 20s with his finger and thumb. Clive rubbed, scrunched and tore until the paper was ragged and thin. I picked a fresh one of the table. It look okay but as soon I touched it there was obvoiusly something wrong, the quality of the paper was wrong. When I looked closer the lettering and designs were at a slight angle.

After a while it was often down to me to attempt to break the 50s. It usualy wasn't a problem, I was 17 and if I made my eyes big and smiled a bit lots of problems dissolved. As far as I can remember I have never been comfortable with that, before or after. Bac…

2 windy to play

If the tribunal doesn't work out to good its going to be a nightmare getting out of these bad habits.. I want to be alone so much, he's taking it well though, only pulled the lace out one of my boots and poured apple juice in his rice, could be a lot worse. Still pushing the literature essay, short blasts got clean desk before I can really get any further so I'm here instead.

Good to hear France is no longer recognising Gaddaffi. Looks like he's trying to fuck things up as much as he can before he leaves. 'Satanic' abuse on the news, and in the courts again, isolated of course... still though. Even if it is ridiculous to connect such practices with a few charges, representing years thats not how it generally works.

Can't stop eating, better change pills. Used my Chambers dictionry as a step last night, if I going to eat my own weight then I should make some attempt at moving around..
The Du Maurier/Ginsberg popular culture essay stops and starts. Must end up above the grades I've getting so far. Not getting involved with the theory enough because its too theoritical. As for the John Stuart Milne essay I haven't even read the texts yet but 2nd year philosophy is a different kettle of fish to 3rd year lit. More work on war poem, which is now 'psalm for the deer' getting proud of it again. Keep not buying printer ink, which is stupid because I need it but it isnt edible.

Plans for the evening, to kill time untill its time for Trevor Nelson's bath time soul show, why is it only on for an hour, cruel, cruel.

I wonder if its natural to expect more for me at a time like now. So many tightropes and eggshells for so long its impossible to just burst into the truth. Wish the Gaddafis were out, properly out, as hard as that is to imagine. Seeing them on trial as felt as realistic as making it through winter without comfort eating or monarchies …

News

It's a relief to start forgetting to watch the news all the time, to get away from that tension. Depressing to though when it shouldn't be, momentum waxes and wains but the movement is still forward even women are still being shouted down.

No fly zone? Murky shit empiricism, conveniently so sometimes. As soon as somewhere is stripped or in carnage they're granted autonomy. America's position looks a bit interesting. It's America, the place you run away to, the place you dream about, the people you emulate when you think your not good enough. If things at home are changing though there is more reasons to stay home and fight, struggle for something that isnt owned by disney and made by starving kids.

It's a matter of time, not something people generally said a month or so ago. I get paranoid that if I don't think positivly all the time it will effect people over there..

rembering the word 'delusional'

Doing a bit of general research on the new med risperidone, very general. My brain has enough conspiracy theories and reality backed paranoias to ever spend much time messin about on the web. Quite impressed with myself for eventulay going for it, I even have one of those pill boxes with a space for each day of the week but I'm drawing the line at the ones with spaces for morn,noon, and night though. I have a lifestyle that makes medications a real option. I have enough stability to make me confident I play the active roll thats essential if any kind of treament is going to have positive effects. They are not mind readers, they have no idea what its like to be me. Enough health care professional over the years have admited very openly how much individuals and systems have failed me for me to have some sort of trust. They are not all organised against me, but a couple of them were involved in abuse and it would be delusional of me to think otherwise.

Another delusion lifted i…

Broadband

I'm not sure I've ever felt this at home before. If I did I'm sure I wouldn't remember and besides I would know it wasn't pernament. The state of mind, the material conditions the social oppurtunites, all changing all the time. Not so much as up and down as exploding or imploding. The meds are probably helping, working on the delusion that most of it never happened. I had to cling to it very tightly then it was a crutch. Now its not needed, I have a place, a place that's as unconventional, akward, pretty and intimating as me. Recently I've been told 'I love you' 10-20 times a day. He can forgive me for being grumpy sometimes, so can I. Drugs can be good. But I'm no where near trying out the coil for the pain yet. a coil to help discomfort, does it leak morphine? My star crossed mind gives me afterpains at the very thought.

My god I over commit myself sometimes, acting like I have to live in a way that pleases the social worker, this or …