..dear reader..

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...

....I completely understand.  I hope you are well again soon. Please keep in touch if you want to.  Take good care of yourself... Thanks SuperShrink.  Neither the first nor the last time a sense of being able to talk at length about a lot of ongoing stuff instead of going vague one day is is followed by waking up on the appointment day and cancelling everything without regrets. Drama therapy started again yesterday.  It didn't go well.  Its over a year of talking to a psychologist who has DID experience and is open to researching and listening to some talk about ritual abuse, the drama stopped back in June lots has happened since then.  There had been graphic repetitive nightmares in the few hours sleep I did get, reached out to L who was the center of so much of it all.  She was the base that torture and experiments to try and create parts that were tailored for their needs, EPS trapped in states of total mental subjugation and dislocation from our...

Felt the progress in therapy this week.  More of the teenage girls have come forward, that know love, friendship,  fun and were musicians, dancers who needed and worked hard for their art.  I hear and see them see them singing and playing almost constantly, awesome.  Some spent enough time in the states to become functioning conscious ANP's who knew we would all be heading back to Scotland sooner or later and usually via some English and/or European rings aiming to make a lot of money fast over a few days and were going to work and sell me to get it.  You know it works with sexual abuse, porn and anything else for that matter if you start to get into something.  It was always getting worse. Sometimes I'd arrange to avoid all that by going back before being picked up from where ever it was that I was starting to think of us as home by a group of government drugged, raped and mind control enforcement agents.  That would leave ...

I feel like I should write something.  Its not easy for me to engage in anything, probably because there isn't really such as thing as 'me', there is just programmed personalities, victim mentalities and a sense that sharing is essential if I'm ever to escape the constant depression and the belief that the truth is irrelevant.  Had an appointment with the psych today without the psychiatric nurse that openly scoffs at my disclouser of abuse by djs involved in child pornography.  When that same nurse walked into the room in refuge the first time, I was a bit sickened, nothing specific memory wise, just the knowledge that her face was very familiar.  I lived in this same town as a child for a little while, my parents went to Uni here so I'm not assuming anything, I can't when whoever knows her is saying nothing but I wasn't remotely surprised by her reactions. Anyway, pysch has referred me for an EEG (could be wrong initials there) and to some kind...

everyone for the encouragement and kind words, you reward all my efforts when no one else does and that means way, way more than I hope you will ever know ;) I was prepared for the 'so why haven't you mention Savile before'.  Previous conversations are mentioned in  my emails to Yew Tree and to the 2 PC's back in December but I knew I would still hear it.  I told her I have, of course.  She hasn't spoken to her colleagues that have spoken to me yet so why ask that?  I'm preparing for a flat out denial from all them all regarding me saying anything about Savile before he died.  I know though. I talked they wrote, then I signed what they had written, if and whenever asked. They were pretty dismissive, in attitude and tone to everything I said so no chance of any chatty mes coming out.  I asked her if she would be able to find out for me why Yew Tree didn't want to me to be interviewed before compiling the report saying there was no evi...

So polis the marra, nae bather though, dishes are done, there's notes writtin and I'll run the hover over the hall again later.  There wis a wee bit o fonin back an fore over the time and a hav ti say, shi soonds like shi mite be a wee bit ov a numpty.  I've been wrang aboot folk on tha fone bifore tho. I've even had a go at Wonder Webbing the curtains that are dragging on the floor in the living room.  Did a good job on the first side, the other is a bit of a disaster, but its all off the ground. I'm just glad she is coming in the morning straight after dropping of wee man.  Not enough time to get properly stressed about it.  Therapy afterwards, which is really good. I wont be able to curl up into a ball afterwards and mutter stuff or think about smashing a cup and then using a shard to slash my arm, or going to the pub. Maybe it won't be like that at all, maybe she will come across as professional and non-judgmental, empath...

Twisty, ancient fucker isnt it? Well if it is just a part one then the  Yew Tree Report  is a not bad example of big bureaucracy making some kind of attempt at recognising a very messing problem.  I have to acknowledge it seeing it written up like that  gives a sense of new freedom, a wee bit of faith in society in general.  One document alone doesn't change culture and practices that are generations old though but they can mark the start of processes of real and lasting change. I didn't like the brief nod in the direction of anything organised though but then I wouldn't would I?  Article 7.12 'no clear evidence of Savile operating within a paedophile ring'.  It was good to feel the old history skills waking up.  At school I loved using documents as primary sources but I did cultural history at university and could longer understand why you would want to spend weeks of your life reading some...

Not 2113 as I was convinced it was last night..Its the 21 Century, easy mistake to make. I was never very sure what to expect in 2012.  It had some significance, the went beyond the Mayan Calendar  even beyond 12,12,12.  There were times years ago when I longed for it to be 2012.  I always knew it would get better.  Aimed low you see, 'look for the bare necessities , until its safe to take more. Things have been okay.  Therapy, Little Man at school, a safe and stable home, friendliness and support from twitter, maybe even a pal near by to! Then there was also the psychiatrist who reads notes and the deaths in the family.  I wouldn't admit that as a good thing anywhere but here expect maybe with a good therapist.  Two less people to worry about jumping out of a cupboard on me or wee man.  Two less people who may hold some tiny snippet of memory that might be used to completely rip apart my conscious unde...

I started by emailing the NSPCC.  The media was saying people should contact with them or their local police.  I didn't want to call the local police although I do have the name of someone I talked to when I first moved here and a social worker who I also discussed things with.  I was told it was being investigated but they were very busy I have hear nothing since.  My therapist that is destructive for me.  They forwarded what I sent to the Met.  Felt great when I saw .met in my inbox, from an actual police person, with their own email address and a direct dial to Operation Yew Tree.  I sent of my details and waited. Last Thursday I was riddled with it all and anxious about the transvaginal the following day so I phoned and asked for the some officer.  Half an hour later I got the call back.  I repeated much of the stuff I have said to Woman's Aid workers and whoever Woman's Aid workers had wanted me to repeat it to.  She wa...

I am depserate to write about the way the organisations worked and the sort of people who were in them. I dream about really getting down to all the little differences between people socially and how they were translated into acts of violence in both structured and spontanous situations. But I'm scared, I have no criminal record and there are no records of me giving statements or working with the police in any way. Not that I can access anyway, at the moment. I watch the news, waiting. Waiting for something that might bring about a breakthrough. I'm more stable now, I have a voice I'm not scared of the press. But there was a lot of very public, influencial people involved as well as drug or arms lords and gang leaders. I'm scared of the positions the hold within the public consciousness. I'm not even sure if I have the right to challange the common culture like that.