August 26, 2016

The ones they can't reach and the ones we can't protect.

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would.

Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created for jobs through the ritualised torture and keep themselves behind the scenes because they feel their traumas would be too much for most other parts and because the some of structures forced on parts during all the decades of torture and mental abuse are still present and still very much being triggered. There is at least one who will come out, speak and does know a lot about what is good for us but not always individual parts of us but day to day parts are mostly used to her swanning around doing pretty much whatever she likes because she usually knows what she is doing and understands where she has been when the rest of us know we have no idea what she has been through and how she managed to survive and thrive after.

Of course when this kind of trafficking where people force and instruct victims into having specialist parts to do all kinds of jobs who are supposed to be E.Ps but it doesn't always work like that. We can see the outside systems gave us a lot of helping these parts integrate but can remember how awful it feels when they are not. There are outside bastards who like to try and force us into the states we would be in if we never had any help at all and they have the run of the mill here in Scotland it's why we have parts that had to stop our healing skills to protect us from these outside bastards. These parts are now saying they are downing tools because they arn't needed anymore. It's good but we are bit unsure if its because the bastards don't have the power they used to or because we are permanently stuck in a state that the bastards are happy with. Cynical me needs help. But we don't think we have what she needs or can give her what she wants because it's the outside world that made her cynical not us. She wants the outside world to make her less cynical but we will try and think of ways to help her.

Social worker is coming round later. We cancelled pysch yesterday but can't get out of this besides we are enjoying keeping the house clean at the moment and hearing her acknowledge it. It's so much better after the painting and now the anxiety and amnesia is down we can do it feeling like it's just part of our day to day life not all of it. Our mind can wonder and remembers good things that happened and good people when we clean not just the bad and then suddenly finding myself cleaning like I would if being forced to clean when held somewhere. Besides. The bastard fleas and still going for dude and the cats were treated again yesterday so its a good time to hoover. Horrible things.. After we finish our mocha and this of course..



August 25, 2016

"keys"

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can.

There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is things missing but glad of the good work we have done. There is maybe some concern that we are not strong enough for what we have to do next but that is why it is good that we are resting. We don't want to do everything dissociated any more and the bookcase is full of tools that have helped us be less dissociated and can help lead us to what else we need.

When we can see past the role of the NHS and the triggers that lead to parts being told in the past that helplessness and hopelessness is all they will ever know books can really help. We reading Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (Boon, Steele Van Der Hart) and am really glad to see us responding to it and not just turning away. It talks about finding anchors and using awareness of objects in the room to help stay present its the kind of thing we do all the time and it becomes automatic. It's good to bring it back into our conscious awareness and focus again. It's good to feel it's safe to be self aware.

We have been looking at chapter three which looks at different parts and starts by differentiating between ones that are responsible for day to day functioning and being in denial and others types that are stuck in the petrifying past. We are really comfortable with the description of types and feel we would like to try and use it to map ourself out better. We can see now how it was parts in combinations that cause us to be really ill and how those combinations are forced together and manipulated. So good to not have that "can't face that" feeling about working ourself out its always comes with sense that we are letting ourself and others down and bad things are happening because we can't face ourself. We know those feeling come from parts who are still in hell and for whatever reason must stop us from doing any work and parts that feel responsible for everything that happens everywhere and we know the specfic moments when patterns took old but we know those traumas are here and other parts and see them. Our abuser imitator parts might be sarcastic about it but out helper parts have reached the hurt and petrified ones and they must be responding to them or we wouldnt be able to read the book so calmly or write this.

Cynicism and sick jokes are the abuser imitator parts we notice the most daily. Our day to day denial parts are iritated usually more than bothered by them they are aware of very central mom/leader type part who us told her something about the system we are in but mostly to not to worry about weird stuff, it's not our job to deal with that. I guess when we are really in a mess and falling apart in all kinds of dissociative types and states its when we cant feel this leader/mom part and are terrified. What happens to her doesn't feel like its the kind of memories that we have now accepted are there and will look at them more if and when we need to. They feel much more hidden, unreachable but of course we do know we have been ritually abused and have remembered  a good bit about what that can involve so that helps us feel less triggered by the amnesia. Shame parts, yep we have shame part/s who seem to come out freeze everything particularly over the amnesia and it being exposed. Rape victim shame we just don't feel like we did sometimes as a child or teenager but amnesia shame. We get it really bad and it of course makes the amnesia so much worse. They forced her to be an in emergency day to day duties part then told her she had to do that job forever when she is a amnesiac shame E.P. No wonder we couldnt cope.

There are definitely messenger parts with us. There are more than one. Some are better are giving information with whatever answer, message or instruction they have and are obviously helper parts to. Others are precocious teens that will only give attitude or silence if parts ask for more information. Think in the hospital a day to day part asked a messeger what was going on we heard a perfect teenage girl meltdown that parts had no problem recognising as themselves to. She expressed what everyone else was thinking at the time "I have no idea and every time I almost fine out something else happens that puts everyone back to square one with no idea who, where or what we are and how the fuck would I know and you not anyway". A mum kicked in eventually and soothed everybody just by talking slowly and confidently and getting everyone to be more mindful.

Book talks about "passive influence", the way "Any part may intrude on and influence the experience of the part that is functioning in daily life without taking full control.." (p26) .. We have a lot of paranoia about that when things are not good. Knowing our senses our perceptions could be being severely messed with. We were born into some very serious situations and all but the most amnesiac and repressed day to day stuff have at least some vague notion of this. Feeling unsure of your senses and unsure of in how much danger your in is also a really unpleasant place to live.

"And most parts that function in daily life are phobic of parts stuck in trauma-time." (p29) Isnt. That. The Truth. We talk all this talk about having DID and its like really cool we have accepted it and are making the most of it but its bollocks. Not that we are not proud of the fact that many of the attempts to trigger us into a trauma state don't work because of the work we do but there is still massive amounts of fear and uncertainty about what we are capable of and who we are. Still know we have no idea how far we would go to avoid something.

The worst phobias for us if we talking about amnesia being the main sign of phobia in the day to day parts is the fighters. The fighters themselves have to be able to get any information they need quickly they are not amnesiac of very much. There are fighters that are from before and after certain breaks and they can be strangers to each other but usually they don't say much and know everything. They are desperate to be seen by the day to dayers they hate the low self esteem and the weakness they feel and also just need their work to keep everyone safe recognised. They do tend to know that there are day to dayers that feel the same way and are desperate to see them but the amnesia is thick. We get little flashes that must be of someone else and have to fight to know anything before its all cleaned up and back to normal. We also speak to parts to do know the fighters though and they carry a heavy burden being the go between parts who for some reason cant reach each other directly but who need to and who keep reaching.

It's not our own violence that is the issue its their history. The switch between being mostly amnesiac and being mostly not we from here anyway can't build any bridges even though we have had to do it thousands of times. We generally have had the attitude that its being very directly abuser enforced because over the years there has been many times we have managed to watch it happening to see how unnatural and forced it sometimes was. We do believe we have been in places and situations where it didn't happen. It's very much a British thing higher end trafficking thing, slaves should never be aware of their own potential.. The greater their potential the more they must not know.

Cunts..

Intoxicated/medicated parts of course not mentioned so far but I think we will.. They can be the go betweens across lands and barriers no other bastard can. There is also that thing of feeling the effects or something you haven't taken. Parts would come to us when we were experimenting asking if they could just be called the name of drug from know on because they wouldn't be coming out without it again. Some meant it to. It's quite tricky trying to give yourself drug enhanced interrogations but we would tape ourself or get someone to ask certain parts questions after taking something to try and find something out.  We stopped experimenting because the day to day parts would fade away to quickly and it would be overwhelming. Something is needed sometimes to help when systems are overwhelmed of course though and when we think about how there was efforts to make sure we had only parts stuck in trauma being making any amnesiac life impossible through violence and control we understand the cannabis use.

So I guess I need to and I am tentatively organising and creating a functioning day to day present and anchored rather than dissociated and amnesiac part and move away from the utterly utterly exhausted trauma holders that through all the constant fucking attacks were forced to attempt to function with day to day responsibilities who are refusing to handover over full time to any parts who don't understand enough about what it means to be us "day to day" and how important it is to be moving away from amnesiac dissociation because of the all round anxiety internally and external vulnerability. It always breaks our heart when we have to from knowing and remembering to not knowing. The last time was in the hospital. It's always horrible having to force yourself under. No fun for anyone who cares about me to see it either.








August 24, 2016

I hate evil - me to

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so seeped in victim blaming and bitter denial they can't help but hate you for speaking out.

He's gone. Of course he is gone. They got him when I was about three or four. Nasty brain damage, tonnes of programming so he could speak and eat, life on rails. His voice and his light went out like so many others but the flesh they keep to toy with and use as a weapon against others stays. As does some of their own words or the words they heard that was important to them at the time of the procedures/assaults. Bertie gloated over being the one who done it and we said yeah we know and wasn't it the reason that Graham did it to him just for the fuck of it and Graham hadn't ever done that before? He didn't have much to say. The victims are rarely given much responses to being told their brains have been seriously physically messed with.

It was a huge lose. He was amazing. Beautiful insight, so clever and funny unbelievable good on stalking and recon and record keeping and they took it all.

Like we've said before through. So many of the feelings are still there. Puberty causes so much brain upheaval anyway that depending on the injury and the situation a lot of healing can happen or could happen. If you were in Scotland in the 90s your injuries and your situation don't make for a lot of hope.

So many of us just refused to get close to any of our babies or anyone encase it happened again but especially junior. It's not like they wouldnt be trying, its what they do and we look very vulnerable sometimes even when we really arn't. They knew they could use him to get our attention, to bring us down, to push us over.

We would be amnesiac somewhere far, far away sometimes and things could be going so well but it would still be there eating away at us, how much we had lost. We would try and blame it on other loses sometimes quite convincingly but sooner or later someone would force it or we had to come back to things even worse than what we imagined they would be without you. It was so hard to not resent you sometimes but the fact that they were waiting for it cravenly helped with that.

It's still going to hurt for a long time but hopefully will start to feel better now.

August 23, 2016

Monday Morning.

We go back to bed and put some music on and come to write be don't feel like we have much left to say and how can that be true? Someone was wondering about the teddy we lowered down with the bomb what was in it. Like the stuff that makes you itchy all over but isnt the stuff they put in you and something like what we are but much bigger and much worse. Made sense to us last night but in the cold grey light of a school day morning nothing makes any sense and nothing has much meaning. Few good meanings anyway. We remember our eyes kept straying to the other lowering straps. Not as good at ignoring the voices as we used to be because we had forgotten where so many of them had come from. Yeah what are those other lowering straps for? Something that made us feel very sick any way and we weren't sure how stable "stable but try not bash it" meant so we needed to focus on what we were doing.

We were confident that the parts that said that would of handed the job to us if they didn't think we could do it. This was real us and it felt great for a bit as we had no problem getting it to whatever depth we had to despite still wondering if it was possible to not do what we had to do next. We weren't sure what aspects of it were ritual abuse DID and what was real and therefore really necessary. There was no where on this place I needed to scout there was no curiosity of any kind. The place was beyond yucky and the longer you spent there no matter what protection you wore you felt it's sickness crawling on your skin. The statues and freezes were nothing compared to whatever it was that made your skin crawl and your mind get increasingly dark the longer you were there. People asked us what is was but we rarely had anything to say to them about it. It crawled on my skin even talking about it and we didnt have to words to explain it usually either.

We felt quite adult when we talked to her. Easier when she stopped projecting the image of us years younger and just showed the light that she was, that was left. We remembered when we were that little and had to or was forced to believe I was exactly that child and that light there now and how we laughed at the Teddy bobbing about in mid air as we carried him up the hill to the opening where they pumped and threw in everything they stole. So many voices and we heard them but could ignore them all. The ones they we would listen to would not be talking to us or about us, we kept them in mind as living the kind of not extreme all the time loving life we might one day lead. We talked for a few minutes mostly how about they pushed people in those reservoirs when they took the lid off in big ceremonies to show people who their suffering was producing and how we always wondered what happened to them. We were jealous even of them because even when we knew nothing we knew that stuff could not be worse than the people.

When we were brought round after being the girl that carried the teddy we were always had more answers than questions and scared the living shit out of the programmer the first time. She went from but how could you know that no one has ever told you that to no that's impossible to I need help in here very quickly. We always knew we knew more about that stuff than all the miners and engineers and programmers and their shadows and masters put together. It talked to us and it wasn't like talking to people or machines it was completely different.  

Social workers. Had not to resent people who talk constantly about providing support but never actually mention or perform any actual support. We find ourself talking about the Delusional Disorder diagnosis again and trying to say there is no support when that is our label. She looks at us like the guy before did whenever we talked about it. Like their minds have been made up about something and they are not interested in anything we have to say on the matter. Or maybe it's the attitude that is found in both abuser and non abuser support services that it doesnt matter what is done to you or what is said about you you have to perform in certain ways and get on with completing duties as if it never happened. We find attitudes towards us that feel or state that justice and safety is not something we should even bother even thinking about very triggering.. Just because it's true doesnt mean it is acceptable.

We can't see how we will ever be strong enough survive those kinds of interactions without it marking us. We are still heart broken about all his psychiatric assessments. "They made me do it" doesn't mean the same now as it does twenty or even ten years ago. And when he did finally get it we were relieved for a friend it wasn't enough for us to be able to pick up the really heartbroken ones who will be rushing to find out if its him whenever our phone makes a noise or someone is at the door. That or to exhausted from heartbrokenness to move at all because they know it isn't him.

Other people helped back then of course they are a distraction in them selves but also because they bring our parts of us that are feel stronger and happier.

He asked I think its all very hazy, what he could do when he realised we were gone and nothing he had said or done had brought us back. Nothing we could do could bring me back. We told him he would have to be there for us when we got out of hospital, as soon as possible. We told him he would have to be here now because we were alone with a child, our head and flesh with visits from social workers and appointments with CPN, psychiatry and child psychiatry all NHS to travel to and we would really need the support to get through all that for as long as it going to go on for.

I think he said he would try.

August 22, 2016

keep letting go

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone..

He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter.

"You don't think he will be back in time do you Mum?"

"Apparently not.. It's all tied up with the past and what they made us do to each other as little kids."

"It always is in Scotland isn't it? Your relationships in Scotland.. your made to feel like they are controlled by things that happened during the abuse years ago.. and they set it all up.. then .. and .. now."

We were too proud of him to keep feeling as bad as were. "Yeah. It's determinism, Satanic and Ritualised. Slavers and desposts having been using it throughout .. like all the ages." We winced at ourself at turning into a vague teen to our son on the subject of our life's work. There was a little silence. We were lying on our stomach and really noticing how much better we were starting to feel, we could feel our toes in our socks they felt clean and warm and comfortable.

"But it's worse in Scotland isn't it? Thats why they never let you leave." Then he proceeded say everything we needed to hear and some.

We think we went "fuck it" enough to remember/get his number after the very real meeting where you said you felt I just wanted to get with you as a means to get out of Scotland because you obviously weren't there to see we weren't on game mode we were on this is it this all the life we get and so far its been really shit mode.  You came and talked to us after we got off the phone still seemingly convinced that we could see you as a stepping stone to somewhere else. It was devastating.

We remember staring at the bedside cabinet next to the bed opposite trying to keep our brain as calm as possible because we were seeing all the un used paint here at the house and were scared we were going to actually start hallucinating the paint and then get up to paint our home as an escape for everything that was happening on the ward and as proof of how we actually operated. We weren't packing bags. We couldn't think of a much more scarier place than an airport in the state we were in. We wanted, needed to go home and make the place more liveable while we wait for a way to get out that involves the least amount of trauma and danger. You were mentioning Palermo weren't you? And we kept looking at you as our mind boggled at how much we would have to tell you before we would be comfortable taking you to Palermo, the more you talked the more we felt we would have to tell you. We didn't know if what you were saying was for someone else's benefit. It didn't matter though because they way you were talking to us and the time that you were doing it just seemed so unforgivable. Just like they like it.

We called you a cunt to the other girls when you left.

"Remember it's all bullshit to keep you down and confused Mother."

You were of course, for the most part in a worse state than us and that possibly might make it forgiveable but there was all the fucking triggers. You seeing Guzman and Gallagher and Provanzano or the institutionalised stuff and what they have done to us here and what we are and what we do in places like Palermo cant be. Without knowing us and our work then the programming they put you through got you worse. You were too scared we were as scary as all the things that had you already. To scared of them getting us like they had you when we knew it wasn't possible in all the same ways because we know about us and Palermo and other places. It was very lonely for us.

You got it eventually. There's no point hating yourself for fucking up when you haven't done it yet and you seemed to be settled enough with it that we felt there was at least the possibility that you wouldn't be too too late or some of us anyway.

Some of us began thinking sarcasticly that since you put the idea in our head that maybe there was some way for to use you to get us to Sciliy or somewhere but we knew we were covering up heart break. There was just too many signs that we would be here without you and we got lost on what was the bad stuff we were programmed years ago to see and here and what was the bad stuff now.

You couldn't reach us. We had been warned off enough we weren't sure if it was you who did some of the warning. We still arn't. After some of the statements we made though we knew we would crumble and we too weak to fight of all the warnings and all the clever triggers. All that leads to shut down survival mode which is heartbreaking because we never shut down that much for long but never know what happened and are too scared to ask.

We have spent so much time convincing ourself that you and we are lost but it started so early, there has been so little time to grow and the thought of how much love pisses of evil pricks has always made it impossible to move on completely. When your not in contact we need you and at the same time have a head full of bad images and moments with you and we know some of them are real and some won't be and can't know as much as we need to. The longer it goes the more we just want to be done with it but articulating that thought internally or out just causes turmoil and specific horror triggers. We want the feeling of being whole that we get from being with you but we want to walk away from all the crap left over from being slaves who were raped together and ritually abused together. Whenever we saw how little a sense of self you you had of being a being that was outside of the world they gave us we would weep for us both because we didn't we could make it if you didn't and we couldn't see how us together would survive at all and we remembered why we hated Earth.

So many times we tried to find routes to ourself while avoiding remembering much about you. It was impossible though yous were just to close to too of the center's of too many mes. For all our hating of arranging your own or someone else we wanted so much to know we had a future together. We said them at least once that it was just well there was so much evil determinism about because if there wasn't I might of fallen into evil determinism just because we fancied we boy.

We couldn't take you or anyone else a lot of places we went to. Really couldnt of taken you. You were our centre. Some of them maybe but the risks were so high. But we never came back to the same you and when we could and did take you with us we could see in your eyes that you rarely believed it. We hated ourself for having to leave you here but when had only limited time out of chains we had to push the limits of what we could do and what we could know. We had to know on our own terms before the bastards push ourself our someone else there.

Sure. You needing time to do the same for yourself makes sense and sure my misery at you not being here is not the same as the violence and the grooming you were getting back then. It's just that it far from safe out there and you can be such an idiot we worry you are just being sucked into some other shit that we can't have anything to do with.









August 21, 2016

Gap year

Tired. Been Swimming. So yeah really tired. No buses though so not weeping and suicidal tired. Just snappy tired. Don't remember the actual swimming the last time or if its actual real but remember being snappy afterwards but there was a warning at least, we get super tired after swimming, even if we don't do any actual swimming. We do remember we slept through dinner and then was super sorry about being to snappy and snappy about you saying it was ok and of course we remember the kiss.

We talked about  a lot of stuff didnt we? That its probably a DID thing as well that makes always makes us so exhausted after swimming as well as a physical thing not that they are separate things, cant remember your profesional opinion or our response but we think you said something after it about us wanting to tie you to take a steak and burn you every time you sounded like a psychiatrist. We gave you an amnesiac "how did you know that??" frowny face. And then Little Voice "But daddy is a psychiatrist."..We remember the gist of the start of what you said next and how we were talking about that very fact and psychology.

Then something about us not both being able to have breakdowns at the same time. Then being Captain Jack for a bit which amused the bairn but gave ourselfs a headache.

Do want to start writing more about our pasts again. So many less pressing questions. Much easier to tell the stories we want and need to.

Pain has been quite unpleasant. Part of how we came in here to write. It was a thought taking our achy flesh out but we knew water always makes us feel better, dude loves it etc., and soluble co-codomal helped.











August 19, 2016

Friday.



Unsuprisingly bloody sore. Not because of physical reasons but because of what our mind let us in on, a bit more specific about the nature of state supported intergenerational extreme abuse and trafficking networks. Satanic as fuck. This really could be the last time our frontal lobes have to accept how bad it's been and how alone they made us.

We hate victim blaming but we also know we have a habit of projecting good qualities and good intentions onto ring members when they have us cornered and cornered is what we are. We have been here before of course but were always pushed back and our fear of what the good doctor was always a factor. There is no way we weren't always vigilant to his wife, her family, Louise's family and their associates but he was a different story. We still had littles that loved him, that would tell them anything and show and trust him with everything when he was very much at the centre of a shit load of evil. He was their eyes and ears when no way any of them could get any where near us all because he could have us hoping. Hoping that a lot of what has happened over the last year or so wouldnt happen, trauma exhausted littles are not good at child care they know this and the rings make things happen after giving them children to look after to make them feel even worse. He kept us in that state by pushing us back and convincing littles they had to push us back whenever we remembered about him.

Physically never hurt us. Was always gentle but never saw us. Not like he saw and heard the rings that had him. And they made him watch a lot of what they were doing to us whenever they had us like they had him. It was so hard to get away with his awful littles shutting down any escape attempt and his lovely littles just wanting to hold us when all of us just wanted that to.  We would see the Dorothy and friends in the poppy field sometimes, when the auditory hallucinations started and we hearing the music and the voices we knew we were in serious danger but sometimes there was nothing we could do we had no numbers and couldn't do any of things we do when we have no numbers either.

It all came out in sessions with Jacqui. She told us about it when we were already down and it felt like they had us in a place where they could tell us we were going to die some way soon and we might go along with it. But there was spotters of course who eventually got in there and disrupted the scene and got us out of that state. Later she tried again but we weren't so vulnerable in every way so we were just relieved to have the information back. We told her how the day dream would end. When I, we, all the littles had to go back the there to the hospital alone and talk about dude's history to doctors, including being questioned about his dad then travel back alone to duties here we would know he just didnt have enough older parts to help us. We do need to replace our pans because his are extremely unlikely to be coming here any time soon. We can't remember her having anything to say about it. We said we would be heart broken again.

It came out just through our internal systems when we first got the flat in Fintry and it was just me and dude and we weren't in a refuge any more. We were on top of the house work, going out to parks lots, singing in the flat lots. Not sharing living accommodation and child care duties with multiple with several walking horror stories. We knew trouble wouldn't be far but it just meant we had to make the most of the time we had.

There was some pretty good talking as an inpatient though. In the place we were in with everything that was ongoing there was no need to hide or hold much back and the stuff we that was held back we just don't listen to ourself speak. Abusers and abuse ring members in the mental health professional.. to finally be able to freely talk about everything we have in that portfolio. Oh my. Not that anything has made much difference to our short term but we knew we were crippled carrying that monster around and couldnt just put it down anywhere..(all those dirty, broken, public toilet and showers nightmares come to mind they don't seem so scary any more)

Right now we know we need to be careful about too many what next?s. We have a lot to recover and a lot of work to on our relationship with the offspring. It's going well so far. He starts like he used to sometimes. The huffy stance the stated refusal to do whatever it is he's been asked to do then when we remind of something I have already said we are going to do, he loses the attitude and goes and does it. Not that its suddenly become easy to balance his need for time, effort and interaction and everything here's but we are more able to give it a go and its not like its not rewarding.