May 23, 2020

Really not helping gustiness

Windows left open overnight meant that when the wind got up the bathroom door started slamming and woke us up. Wasn't feeling too bad or too good had that late spring insomnia it's different front other season insomnia because of the energy we don't know what to do with. Have lost the desperate longing to be out being social, to have friends and to be active in recent years, it's more of a wish now. It's particularly annoying though as the lack of sleep means we have less time to do things during the day that we might actually be able and want to do. Not that being active or getting up early has ever been much of a cure for our sleeping problems. There just isn't a sweet spot between being inactive or over tired. Despite getting up reasonably early for the groceries and then do a fair bit of gardening we just couldn't stop the anxiety building as soon as we close our eyes. It had only been about three or four hours so wasn't going to try too hard to not nap. Really awful when we did woke up afterwards. Even in the dream we were able to tell ourself that he is 12 and not a toddler anymore but it made no difference. At one point we found ourself on a train we hadn't realised we had got on when desperately trying to get back to him and saw it was traveling in the opposite direction to where we thought he could be.

Totally isolated and friendless single parenting with DID is no fucking joke. There is no one to cover for us if a part that doesn't know our current life is in the driving seat. If we can't parent, he has no carer. It's terrifying. The very nature of dissociation means it is not possible to keep any person, any responsibility even our own needs constantly in mind. There's guilt about times we let him or asked Margo to have him when we knew she would be around the rest of them. It's unlikely we had much in the way of real choices and the limited choices we had it is highly likely that if we didn't do what we did we would not be here now away from all of them, out of Aberdeenshire, out of Angus, out of Fife with enough benefits for essentials and some small wants. With no Niall or anyone else undermining, invalidating, gaslighting and triggering us with every word and deed and the subtle or overt messages, questions and threats passed on from others. It does help sometimes to remember how it felt do have be in the company of, to live under the same roof as any of them. The powerlessness and the comfortlessness. I really hope the kids make it out. I really hope that at some point at some level they understand that a better life with decent human beings is possible. All this time without even the hours school and school friends to escape to.

Think we have said before that we have a sense that if we did more activities with him we might not get quite so many of those dreams quite so badly but they leave us annihilated. All we can do is hug him tight and if he starts chatting about his interests we get instantly overwhelmed, can't keep up. We do our best to smile and interact but if we ask him to join us in something that is helping to calm or distract he prefers doing his own thing. Of course the things he is into and might want to do will be stuff we are to messed up to handle.

Fucking wind is keeping us seriously agitated. Made it out for prescriptions and to water seedlings and new plug plants. Very well done even if we grabbed the wrong tshirt and didn't notice until in the que that it was pretty grubby. Thank god they had everything and we didn't have to interact somewhere else for the antidepressants. New books arrived yesterday to. Still can't find the fucking kindle. There is a chance he may of hidden it as an excuse to use the tablet with its colours, games and internet access to read with. There is also a really good chance that either of us has just lost it.

Phone word games.. or read. Marc Maron had us sniffling talking about the sudden death of his partner. Sounded awful. Poor bastard. Thought it was weird when he talked about her having caught something when they are really strict with the social distancing and the hygiene. Hearing him talk about all the support he is getting and being offered made us feel better for him though. I can imagine how helpful and humanising that must be.

May 17, 2020

happy something

Fell out with this particular device quite badly a few days ago, stupid thing want download stupid word games that we needed to keep ourself distracted during nasty PMS. Gave up and used phone instead with stupid itty bitty screen that causes the loss of lives because its too easy to miss press. It still works fine as a wordprocessor though.

Things are not so good. Its maybe not all cycle related have cut back on the antidepressants because our stomach couldn't handle the higher dose. Kitchen is bad, bathroom is bad did tidy and pretty up the livingroom when still high on spring and we are very glad of that. Forced ourself to put out some of the plug plants ordered when all enthusiastic and have been watering and feeding. Really been a struggle watering and feeding me though. Need healthy food like two year old Pablo said when recovering from a cold at the Links Market where like here and now there is no healthy food options. Thinking about that isn't aiding the weepiness.

Can you come home now? Would we be better trying to find ways to accept how things are? If we accepted things in the past we would not be alive or here now but there was always plans and events that would change things.

Didn't feel so rough today. Even rescued the kitchen. Not the bathroom. Did have a bath though. Best we wash daily especially since being so cist riddled.  Feeling pretty good atm, pink pinot grigio, pain killers, hot water bottle, got two kinda stained and stinky duvets under us and blankets over (vintage pink duvet cover and teal once fluffy blanket that was Pabs but he swopted coz mine was softer and coz the teal works better with the pink) new songs added to spotify list (Cannonball, Kayleigh, New York Minute (I believe I believe), Dancing with Myself, Sunday Bloody Sunday, How Soon is Now) skin and muscles saying thanks for the Epsom salts, the bio oil and the codeine. It's the 17th, one of those dates we have wondered/wanted to make a birthday for us because its the date we moved into refuge for the first time. From Margo's in the middle of nowhere with a nearest small town inhabited by folks that made the fictional characters of that Burning Man film queasy to somewhere else in Fife. Just to end up back at Margo's for the scheduled pregnancy a few years, battles, corpses and scars later.

Weather looks good for the week. Think we will manage to get the frame for the climber out. Definite signs of life in the pink rose.

Head has been at that pretty old looking patch on Riverside and the bar me and Margo would sometimes visit. The memory slivers are not any clearer now than when we were with Margo, we were comfortable near here, something happened, something else happened that might of just been an attempt to block out any positive associations and feelings but that is not how brains work.

Some tears over the end of Schitts Creek and some annoyance at how easy TV people come into money, love and opportunities (see I've already waited too long).

Been using an old mantra every time something external starts bringing us down or when we start feeling the oppression, theft, hypocrisy, genocide and the violent filth that makes for Earth cultures it's meaninglessly harmful to everyone, it's self destructive, its putrid, utterly avoidable and so much better would be so easy but also 'It's not my planet'.

And with that we feel our wings again.

May 05, 2020


Body has sent some very clear messages that we should take it easy today. We are not arguing. Would be good to stretch our lungs, engage in some physical activity to take my focus of you. We can get a bit gross sometimes when we go through a phase when jump out of the back of our mind and expose all the bullshit and kick over our flimsy normal person fronts they forced us to cobble. And reminding us how normal we can be.

You found us didn't you? It had been months and months. We didn't know our name we didn't know yours we are still centered in that vague state. There is some real peace to it but the sense of not making progress that nothing sinks in anymore and the stress that if could see and engage more things would much better. We just haven't been able to switch back on again. We are just not really here ever and way to much has happened for us to catch up now.

It's so hard to feel how it felt to live knowing we were known but there is moments when we see it and get so much comfort from it. It's coming back but it's not taking away from the agonising constant hunger to know things that I don't have direct evidence for like if you are alive or not and where I come from..

That confusion has gone on so long it has become us. Without it we can't recognise ourself. She's completely alien to us and that is so terrifying she is stuck inside watching and knowing with no outlets, no communication. She won't be completly alone there's kind of primal pagan know it all who will understand her completly. The both deserve better.

The 'Where are you?' pull is going to take us somewhere, it's going to dig up something. I hope it's me it forces us to.

Struggling with an uncomfortable patch of horniness. It's lust for a bloke, that's okay, good even but stay grounded and make an effort to refocus if it starts becoming a fixatation which is understandable in the circumstances. it's grief for another, its a big tangled mess of traumas, drugged rape and lost parts, sick evil people and physical pain and crushing loneliness and a desperate chomping need to be humanised, It's the physical change that happens in your brain when some is deliberately trapped and hurt by another person and a  preparedness to die in the process of finding some space away from misogyny. Domestic violence and living under they same roof with people who hate you but love to hurt you and are glad you are not able to leave. Its all that male gendered sexual entitlement and all that injury death and disease and poverty for women. Not fun. Not life affirming. But shreds of something very different to but we can't disentangle it all it is probably impossible for any one pair of hands to do so and that's why we can't. It's wondering how many hoodies he has and why he picks the colours what they smell like and if he is wearing tshirts underneath them what colour are they and what do they smell like. He's on tv he's going to have a much better handle on hygiene than us but does he use fabric condition and if so what kind and how much and was it tumbled dried or hang up someone and if it was hung up where?

The vivid and detail impression is of being one of pack of children who were sometimes in school, living in houses and homes and sometimes did't and we were all being tortured, sold, moved around, instructed, trained and groomed by and for many uses by a lot of it sex work. I discovered when alone and hidden away with a friend who was also very prepubescent that not everything they were doing to us or forcing us to do was always horrible no matter who did it to who.  We knew it was precious and powerful thing and we had to keep it hidden. My/our 'sexuality' hasn't had the opportunity to move on and had lots of awful disgusting experiences that will keep us frozen and dissociated.

The other kid btw I can't give a number on how many deaths we seemed to have lived through for him. Lives were just nothing to them, the hassle of the disposal and if there was any value in the corpse was all they cared about if they couldn't sell us. We can never remember them all at one time we often have a vague bobbing about sense of whatever came over our mind last on the same subject but it feels utterly disconnected to us now even though we know days or hours ago we were living it and could literally hear, smell it and get deep glimpses contexts where we were always fighting so hard to stop that moment from happening.

I don't know if we have shared this one before. We are asleep in that room in that place. On a mattress or something on the floor near the wall without the window. I don't know if the beds are not there yet, have been taken out or I'm just not allowed/prevented from sleeping on them. Our hair is long. We are woken up by drips of something warm on our forhead, cunt says something and completes the castration of the/our teenage boy then leaves. We wrap up the boy and he bleeds to death in our arms. We let him go.

Enthusiastic to get out there today. It was dry, sunny at times. Got Junior to help with digging a hole
Can't see any reason to enforce the face shaving as you can see. He is staying on top of his tummy fur because he likes a smooth tummy we have been encouraging him to moisturise after shaving.

Layered the roots fungus and the rose food and gave her some quality mud. Bit more confident that we will look after the new and last years rose think with two of them, the pretty thing for them to climb and because its not the first fucking year with a patch of very neglected ground. 

Then dug up the ground a bit and moved around broken concrete slabs. Not done with the slabs quite wanna an arse/foot rest bit on one side and theres a nicer slab that could be a food area on the other.. Need to figure out the areas where herbs or little things can grow through... Gonna be crazy cute with loads of flowers behind it and tidied up.. Another wonderful spot to drink and smoke upon a summer evening but without the blatant constant hate that I hate we had to live through so much of.

would of lit it then and there already got the giant marshmallows cept he's asleepin and I 'm too tired now anyway. Nothing tomorrow more strenuous tomorrow than washing out and in. Maybe start few big sunflowers of for the back wall there.

Wonderful sleepy Sunday. Some rain to we were glad of it. Easing back on the plans for around the stove. Still want a decent size and reasonably flat bit on one side and might try out one of those white tiles that were in a cupboard when we moved in. .. It was Junior who got us moving today by making smoothie for the garden party that was rained of but we did manage a little out door prep. I did a bit of looking out over our little lovely patch in the rain and feeling all peaceful and chuffed.

First chores for tomorrow, put the towels out to dry, water the roses. Whatever calls to me after that. Seem to be coming down from the wantonness. I wouldn't be enforcing social distancing and send him away if he turned up at the door but mostly we sliding back into missing the first one who was either murdered by slavers in front of me or it was another cute boy that died and mine is just busy. It felt very good to be distanced from that. Imaging what we would be like, 'Sorry I was thinking about initiating sexual intercourse.. or at least trying'

But we realise of course that he isn't going to be able to make it back for us and we can't feel seen again with him with that hanging over us. I suspect we wouldn't care about that for a while if we opened the door to find out precisely how one of his hoodies does smell when it's standing outside my flat next to the surviving violas.

Its when the memories start turning to marriage proposals that they can really fall apart. Just as vivid and 'real' but no longer coherent. It's occurred that maybe be wouldn't of gone a long with this as it seems we did they can start looking shabby very quickly. None of it could of happened and it did we are missing a lot of extremely relevant context. Hurts more when it doesn't crumble so easy, aspects of human relationships and my own capacity for them that have never and can never happen, it can be easier to just not seen, feel or think about any of it. Can't keep that up for long though because slow robots that are not responding to lots of their environments and can't figure out consequences anymore get taken out.

Always having to go back to all of it fresh though. To learn again in detailed and documented fashion precisely how fucked up everything and everyone is and eventfully we had to stop putting whatever humanity the dissociation and its causes left through it. It was the same story, same guys telling it. His relief that we appeared to have eventually stopped engaging so I could be used to deliver their messages work under their orders for any agenda without any consciousness or self interest of curiosity or compassion or survival getting in the way.

We remember it was when we stopped engaging not needing to make it 'seem real' it was, he appeared relieved that we would be moving onto the next stage, then he put his hand gently on my shoulder and walked us to another room where there was at least two other blokes and a bunch of machinery that we had no idea what it did but did know we needed to do all we could to stop it from doing whatever it did to me. We were so glad we had bee told about this as we would of been helpless otherwise to survive the terror alone.

Thinking now about how it felt to be constantly surrounded by a lot of that 'I don't know what that is but I need it to not do it to me' machines, drugs and techniques. To be a toddler surrounded by other toddlers, to be still a child but pregnant surrounded by all that shit and the people who believe in it.. We are trying to notice and enjoy the difference but we usually feel to tired, still in shock on some levels and hypervigilant for whatever is going to happen next.

And feeling she betrays herself grossly by still thinking about what different materials are used in the fabric blend the hoody is stitched from and yes he probably would be okay with and talking about everything we would need to talk about and how such subjects in that accent would do well at disarming lots of our inhibitions.

Stove was lit for the first time this year this evening. Pink wine drunk and giant marshmallows toasted after a little weeding. Haven't settled on how to finish the slab area but have been disregarding all ideas that involve moving them all and digging lots more. A little earth turning, a spirit level and the remaining slabs is all we will need for now. Noticed plants outside an open shop today but we were already heavy with pizza, juice and booze from a different shop. Like we said we need to look after what we already have and not bring in new stuff. There was some seeds sown whilst tipsy today anyway, two small pots of the fancy daisies not putting them in a tray again this year lord no, did put the mini sunflowers in one though to start them off and not just feed them directly to the birds. Sprinkled some poppies behind the stove they came with a grocery delivery and they weren't what we asked for but they were seeds so wasn't going to be sending them back. Learned enough from previous years not start loads of seedlings at once as they become a hassle to look after and find somewhere to put.

There some sad acceptance looking towards the summer months. I think it means we won't be as hurt and angry to be on our so much. Junior getting older and maturer helps.

April 29, 2020

Garden Love

Been happy to leave to the neighbours in there's over the past week of bright dry days. Today we were out there though, staying mindful that we will want to do some watering and feeding this evening as well so don't go stupid. Glad its not the first year with the outside areas we took on with the lease. The major obstacles to us enjoying and loving and getting creative with the space are gone or greatly reduced. Start at the back and work down. Focus on what we put there and has survived not getting too much new stuff we can't afford and can't look after then feel guilty about. Focus the excitement on the things that are on the way and preparing for them. And of course the things we already have. The extreme and most unpleasant work already done. Plans we are currently working do include a fair bit of digging. Carefully. And not for too long.

Late start. But it has begun. Junior utterly non enthusiastic. To get him to move some heavy stuff and then got him to put a load of his on washing in the washing machine, put in soap and fabric condition as he loves his fluffies and turn it on. So glad we have you to talk to about gardening.

This a doodle from last night. It's very rough but you get the idea.

Good start on clearing and digging. Lack of exercise and mistakes in pervious years over gardening mean I will not be doing any more digging or moving around lumps of concrete today. Back to bed and hot water bottle and wishing someone else would clean the kitchen and put on the pasta.

Get to be creative as well lift heavy things tomorrow. If we can might ask Junior to put the stove in place ones it's done. Make in feel involved. Ordered a comfy camping chair for him that should help him get him out once it gets here. The bare root pink rose has been dispatched.. Bare roots probably the best way to order plants this now. We gambled on some plug plants weeks ago that was a mistake but maybe there will still be some life in one or two.

When we can't put off shops any longer we are going to in prepared, plan and go over the plan repeatably to try and reduce dithering, confusion and any other symptoms of really bad anxiety that put me in at genuine risk.  Also don't really not want to leave without everything we need or really really want. Will need something to sip by the fire once this bit has been done.

We let feelings of comfort, relief and gladness creep up on us like a nervous cat that wants to sit on our lap but hasn't done so before. If we look at her, if we move at all she will be off back under the bed but there is only so long we can stay sit still and contained.  We are safe and warm in here and have a little space to make outside or just point our nose point to the sun. Further out there is quite villagey, there's open spaces. There has been times when it has actually made sense to not feel comfort because it was so fleeting it made everything worse it was false hope but we didn't fight and run and push ourself so hard for so long just to live so rigid with anxiety we can't respond to the positive changes we brought about, we won for us, for me and for the boy. We need to see those much better things, we need to recognise and accept all of it to just live not in pain all the time.

We did indeed manage to tidy up. And fed some shrubs and stuck our nose and cheeks covered in SPF 15 moisturiser to the sun, looked on our bit with gratitude pride. Painting and repainting possibilities in our mind. Glad and not glad we went through all booze in the groceries so quickly and we really can't just nip out and get more. There was an offer on a flash gin I thought we could use responsibly over days maybe even a week or so after gardening but it was too lovely and too small a bottle and we drank it all.  Lychee and something. Amazing it went down very easy both with and without the soda with Sicilian lemon. Just beautiful.

Good idea to it make a conscious cornaverus thing and not just something that happens anyway but we feel guilty about it. A.m and earlier afternoon hours for the older lady with the husband in a home on nice days, whereas us who are usually asleep or not well during those hours can have afternoons and evenings. Things are very good. New rose has arrived. New tops to. Big baggy ts that should cope with our ups and downs in weight. Not cotton but shapes that work with our shapes dunno if we got cotton vest that will cover all undulations underneath comfortably. Box of summer clothes under the bed to check out and that's notable. Only have one bra that fits round everything we need it to and it needs washing really bad. Fabreeze? Don't think the underboob cist would like that. Yeah I maybe should think about talking to someone about that. It is very much like all the others though.

Will it ever get easier? The whole drink water/inhaler/wash at least once and sometimes twice a day/wash teeth twice a day thing? Regular enough is a lot better than haphazard. We have lived that.

Dead tricky trying to find the most sensible place between agoraphobic social anxiety, social distancing as a vulnerable but not extremely vulnerable person who needs exercise and sunshine to make her less vulnerable.. The added complex, uncomfortable possibly lethal consequences dimension to supermarket anxiety.. We have milk and bread and baccy so lets put the anxiety and craving for a bird feeder and as much booze as I can carry on a shelf for now..

and take down the knobbly, spiky and sticky issue of trying to get Junior to understand the need for handwashing more and wearing a mask in shops. Been keeping to the ten thing and got him to find a book series that he had already been told was a series but had didn't remember.

Pencils and erasers hope to pick them up and draw and make pictures out of my garden dreams. Will be something to help us settle out there and not just start grabbing nettles or digging.

Checked out the summer clothes box and theres stuff in there that looks like it might fit, lenin shorts and three quarter lengths. Two vest that might fit and three that were binned. They're folded on a shelf. Found a pencil.

don't worry we didn't attempt to dig up half our patch and do and shopping trip in one day espically as when we looked out the back there was like five or six people gardening or pottering about. Took the rose out it's bag though as could have the stress of it drying out and it not coming back would be dealt with. Lo and behold did we not find grocery delivery slots when we were recovering from the shop trip and not for in like two weeks time but soon really soon. Woke Pablo up with the news but he didn't seem too enthused. He has no idea what this means..

I'm typing by the window with muscles that were pushed today with shopping and gardening, eyes and brain enough to notice the trees went from chocolate skeletons to lime explosions in the days since we last sat here.

Would be stressful when the 80 items exactly when ordered arrives that the teeny tiny kitchen isn't also disgusting and messed up. Feeling a bit off probably because of the over indulgence with the wine and chocolate knowing more as on its way. Need to take the phone with me when watering and feeding don't we? Spotted a perfect aquilia yesterday from seeds thrown last year. Few times we had wished we had more info on what is what to avoid pulling pretty things and leaving the not so nice. Neighbour was good for that last year.

Glad we taking our time to think and plan and doodle the garden plans and not just charge forth unto costly mistakes and avoidable injuries. The physical distancing has been helping us do that. Theres a new neighbour been really busy looked like a load of people where milling around out there when she has helpers and the retired folk out to. Its not social anxiety anymore its social responsibility. It's self care not low self esteem. ..

The rose is safe she's out side by the door in a bucket with compost water and tucked up in the wrappings she came in until tomorrow when we will be able dig and prepare a proper hole for her. The climbing structure is for the other one is here to. Haven't looked at it yet.

Junior has been talking with more depth and sensitivity.. He's said he doesn't want to move before but it was different this time he was being more serious and thoughtful about it. We feel very similar and its calming to be able to accept where we are without needing to always be focused on finding and working for a way out.

Did we say we found the mini sunflower seeds?

April 23, 2020

Beautiful morning. We haven't slept yet so are feeling good. Sometimes we have gone out for a walk on early spring mornings like this but not today we want to keep our energy for flat, garden and son. Not quite as petrified by the home schooling as we were, as well as the stuff from school we can do some stuff, yesterday it was to set up the printer, neither of us managed alone but by splitting the task it was achieved so now I can send messages from my phone to the printer next to him.. Set an everyday timer on my phone to be consistent with screens off time, difficult to remember all of his devices though. Taking them all and the wifi booster out the room would be best. He confessed to something Still can't find the kindle and can't let him talk us into letting him use the old fire 'just for reading' ..

Not that he could say thank you for it removing the temptation will be a relief for him. It's not like he hasn't got a load of books in there. Gotta do it for his pubescent brain. He's a young twelve not an old fifteen it's not to late. .. There was a confession which is always followed by him making more of an effort and offering to help out more. We did find yesterday that the tech phobia especially with his is a little better think we managed to disable some of the hundreds of stuff that immediately launch on start up, that alone would make going anywhere near the thing without an out of body experience. Like him and his handwriting practice, go slow and do tiny bits up at a time. With so many settings and so many devices taking the devices and the booster out the room is probably always the best way to do it.

We no longer have to make sure he has showered and eaten by 8:30 that gives us some defences, stamina and patience for what its going to be like when we actually attempt to enforce this night after night after night.

Knowing there is groceries coming so it won't have deal with shopping and carrying and trying to stay present and focused and being snapped or growled at and the bad trip that buying essentials always is now just an actual nightmare.

Can't not love the pictures of jelly fish in and swans on the waters in Venice. Mountain ranges being visible from cities again reminding everyone where they come from, rare furries in the streets all over, the meme about 'nature sending us all to our rooms to think about what we have done..'. The scream because we couldn't connect the lived experience in our muscles, joints, lobes and everywhere else could not be reconciled with the world everyone talked and made culture stole fought and died for not being so much of a thing any more.

The extra hunger though the extra misery, the extra homelessness, the extra poverty the extra desperateness, the nursing homes the hospital staff that can't pee can't stay hydrated, can't get breaks.

And the on a totally different level, I only thought about popping into a hair dresser before everything shut down and now its getting warmer and Pablo keeps playing with all the hair. The amount and length on his face is kinda breathtaking as he's my baby boy. He has started shaving his stomach though and the bath looks like it would if I shaved my armpits.

Place is getting pretty clean. Big jobs planned for today and its looking really good for them. Kitchen. Of course. You wouldn't like the fridge or cooker or the floor in there current state. Think you would  love the flat and the town. It's where the two of us should of gone if we us but different people in a different place.

Day 1 Again. 22/3 days after the last day 1.. How's your cycles these days? Avoiding them as much as possible with wonderfulish pharmaceutical hormones. Making a mini puss? Going fucking through it?

Feels like a long while since we have thought about how it messed us up that you came along a messed up the whole thing about knowing that everyday we came into contact with often and definitely everyone who had regular contact and we could keep there number and shit was not safe for us to be around, were saying and doing things because they had be instructed and rehearsed on it or at least manipulated with some strong preconceptions that originated with slavers.

You taught me how to self care and gave us reason to while We taught you about growing weed. It worked. It was fun.

So today, very confident that the cramping and gore will remind me to take it easy in between getting shit done. Later after pizza will tidy the front garden. Need to dump some of the big bag of dirt on the crappy earth before I will be able to move it from the bottom of the stairs and there will be shopping later. With fresh fruit and veg. And booze. And lots of non fresh fruit and veg. Stupendis.

Food came. So ate and drank a little too much. Did take his tech off him though. He wasn't too bad about it.

Going back to sleep now.

Stay safe.

April 18, 2020

The other day we wrote about feeling more parts of us around, of being very conscious and very strong, missing people, wanting to hear music but how that just makes us miss people more. Been getting more active combined with the sleep issues that meant we got tired enough for a good nights sleep then waking wanting to get stuff done. New hemp oil came today, we giggled just after taking it, pretty sure it does something for us. Tastes even more foul than the last stuff. Glad to have it though but its not enough to fix the sleep dread tonight though, doesn't make for better dreams when before sleeping all we feel and hear is 'hug'.

Listen to same Maron. Too much, feeling resensitivised to talk of family, growing up and careers and the normal stuff many people have. Biggest mistake was listening to and old episode where he's talking to someone about their experiences with music industry and the interviewee mentions hating the sausage factory work of writing for other artists. For a long time any talk of musicians and music industry would have us instantly really struggling so its a step forward that now its just aspects of it.
Stupid codeine. Only took one dose today at night. Sometimes its making us feel worse but not all the time. Doesn't help when we are tired but too anxious about sleep to sleep. It makes us feel more weepy and neglected. Don't know what will ever help with the dream dread. More good experiences? Feels outside our control. Exploitative sex has been a big theme recently, so desperately lonely in them we are grateful for whatever we can get even if it does leave us even more frustrated than before. When we wake up the hang over has us wishing for a return to the decades of broken toilets and disgusting filthy showers. Got us thinking about the nineties and just how uncomprehensivly awful much of our teens were. The BBC disgust getting specific again, raising its putrid features out of the rotten stinking pools of middle to high end trafficking and torture systems. You'll have those dreams and you will remember and how it feels and how no one helped you.

The Cornaveris as he calls it is starting to get to him. No D&D. A mum whose no good at structuring his day, one pal he can phone is better than none, says he was worried about his cousins not much we can say but 'me to hun'. For us who struggle to get outside anyway we like that it is much quieter when we do manage to hall our ass out the door but to have to que six feat apart before even getting into shops sometimes gets us to the place we normally get to as soon as we walk in somewhere. Of course the effort to appear normalish, remember and get what we need is almost always too much trying to remember the six feat thing and not forget were have junior with us and that's he's chatting is impossible and we got snapped at in the frozen food shop the other, 'What are doing woman?!?... but we are supposed to be six feat apart! IT'S THE RULES!'

Struck me as the sort who lives to snap 'the rules' at younger less economically and socially stable women. Not like it was intentional, we just needed to get the fuck out of there. Funnily market place extreme anxiety hasn't gotten better with social distancing rules. Maybe stick to places with wider aisles that are bigger and further away and less well known to us although that isn't so helpful as shops are always moving shit around anyway, turning a there, that bit down then over mentally planned out trip to ending up just standing there extremely uncomfortable and really struggling with where who we are, where we are, how are going to get out and who/what are we going to have to face in the process.

Yuck. Failed the process to get anything from the Personal Independence Payment people. Knew we would, everything went into the Universal Credit process we couldn't go through all again so soon after. Cash wise we are doing mostly all right with the rate of UC but the PIP might have entitled us to be on the vulnerable people lists that the supermarkets deliveries are prioritising. Had to return to Asda but at least we have a date when there will stuff delivered, impossible from Tesco for weeks and weeks.

Been mastering Gwent in the witcher, reading The Seal Woman's Gift. Might have to perform a finger tip search through Junior's room to locate the Kindle its taking too long for anything to be delivered. Glad we thought to order clothes to arrive in May sometime that will hopeful be xl enough for comfort and dignity over both of our curves. Also a bare root rose. Yes I know we have literally starved ourself to the point of social worker involvement through spending cash on outside areas in the past and we were months late at pruning the rose we already have and they bug ridden and general a pain but we are not planning on pissing about with two many annuals this year. Even if they were easily obtainable and need something permanent for the area and its pink and smells strong which the first one probably should of been anyway. There is a couple of survivors from last year straggly violas, the pinks of course, one small lavender.. All pretty messy at the moment but we have started feeding and watering stuff and have one session of dealing with the nettles out back. Using gloves that we already knew didn't work, got stung to fuck,  then wore rubber ones, accidently ripped up one of the three surviving ploxes then gave in and felt like we were thrusting our hands into a bucket of tiny needles every time we washed our hands for the rest of the day.

Not doing the 'hopefully tomorrow' bullshit its setting ourself up for failure. Play it by ear.

April 07, 2020

..I'm not the only one warning about this. Real people who get paid and everything do to..

We've read a book about a girl who lived in a shack in a swamp and was abandoned there where she was six, she became a successful author, artist, researcher and conservationist and was never raped but it was attempted. We read a book with short stories by Alexi Sayle it was mostly good weird but sometimes a bit grim. We have read a book we were a bit wary of only because it was called 'Little' because it was partly set in the French Revolution some of it contributed to nightmares but they have been bad any way. It's based on/inspired a real fascinating woman's life and am glad we read it. Read girl, woman, other lots to love in it but of course the people having other people can be hard for us. Liked the holy grail one by one of the very few British comedians that doesn't fill us with bitter fury.

We are of course struggling with giving Junior much in the way of structure, exercise and home schooling. He's pretty happy though, missing his friends as they all are. One of the first things we thought of with the stay at home orders is all the kids with awful horrible dangerous homes and no escape and for no idea how long for and knowing its just going get worse. The poverty must be raging. Good we are glad we are here and not there and have enough pennies.

We met some non white people in Witcher they are of course from faraway lands and remembered there has been some non straight people and male prostitutes, the women are 'strumpets' the odd male is 'prostitute'.. Not exploring any of the offers of sex from professionals or otherwise. Hated the whole powerful young female must sacrifice herself or the world will be destroyed story line but am loving the beautiful France/Italy expansion pack with a home to be repaired and amusing quests.

Cleaned up the front garden a little but haven't done a thing out the back in including putting out washing.. Haven't been going out for a walk or leg strengthening exercises everyday. Have been mostly nocturnal. Have not been keeping up with housework.

Took the prescribed antidepressants after a bacon sandwich but need to not do that again as it messed up our stomach for hours and we puked a little, retched and had to spit out loads of excess saliva loads. There's been some other unpleasant side effect/triggered/ fuck knowsness going on, its hard to explain its a bit like the feeling you get if you stand up to quickly or if you have overdone it or are withdrawing from something, a sudden kind of sinking that happens when we are almost asleep. Think the codeine might be a factor maybe with the larger dose of antidepressants. Unpleasant anyway like a taste of gabapentin withdrawal. Think we need to stick to the lower dose of the anti ds.

Smoking sooo many fags. Wish we weren't but after a phase of cutting right back then having a grim mental health phase and really enjoying almost every single lung harming life shortening draw. Not forever. Been reminding ourself we have never been able to fall apart ever, we had to control the nervous breakdown, we had to plan it for decades to survive the attempts to take us out when we are down and ensure Junior's safety.

Scared of whatever is included in the next batch of recall, seen something like a brick tunnel but wasn't sure what kind of angle it was. Think we were sliding down it. It came with a sense of heavy heavy awfulness..

Got more books to read but not many. Think we will go for extreme rambling next.

March 21, 2020

oh no but what about all those mass events we had planned..

 Do feel for people with social lives and those in the caring professions and parents with kids of school age in general. Its going to be tough losing the only time we get when Junior is being cared for and educated by other people. Not like we going into this after a weeks or even days of feeling not too bad as we have been able to recognise March is a bit of a monster for us mood wise usually we are so focused on February and don't remember it's actually March that has us drowning in nightmares, savage depression, migraines and of course catching every virus Pablo takes home form school and from the occasional sniffing shop assistant. The one before this one was particularly nasty it was before other countries outside of China were testing but we vomited when it was kicking and ended up having to stop when we did get out self to go to shop or do house work because of breathing problems. It shifted with the steroid inhalers soon enough so we didn't need doctors or anything. When over the worst of it we had a few days of sleeping really well, naps and all night until the anxieties won over again.

Current one is particularly awkward of course it's not much just slight fever and generally feeling crap but it did cost us the last two days of child care before they shut the schools. Needed to not wake get up at eight and make sure we was up and getting ready, there is a pretty sold link between fucked up sleep patterns and fucked up immune system. Woke up on Thursday afternoon after over twelve hours feeling pretty decent but just a couple of hours of nightmares this morning and a couple more in the afternoon today. Skene supposedly but the place and grounds around if totally done up, they had built an amazing looking music studio in what used to be our room but half the floor and most of the landing had collapsed. Everywhere else looks beautifully remodeled and refurnished and we knew that wasn't right and before we woke it started getting clearer than it was faked and started falling apart. CBD in the hemp oil isn't helping with the nightmares or the state we are when we wake but maybe it will if and when we can get a couple of weeks infection free. We have noticed a little instant feeling betterness with it but that could be placebo or triggered by our brain because it fells and tastes like something that helps. Found ourself staring, growlering, despising the 'THC free' printed on the label on the tiny little bottle.

It's kinda nice seeing American hosts doing there bits from home and talking about isolation and of course right wing governments suddenly bringing about ' evil socialist' just give people cash policies, memes by already socially isolated not quite knowing how to feel about being told to do what we already doing.. It's not like we are in an a highly populated city centre we can't use it as an excuse for not going out for walks. Ancient evil toddler thick as shit king of farts making Johnson look like a qualified and appropriate leader not sure how we feel about that except it's a very subterranean bar.

Have to keep reminding myself about giving ourself time and trying to remember how much worse we always felt before coming here and not to assume that it went on too long and too severely for us to ever get our shit together.  Don't have much to say to ourself to answer the sense that there isn't anything we can do about the loneliness and the lack of purpose regardless of co-vid can't see how we could meet anyone that we could feel comfortable with and even if we could  the trust issues just feels insurmountable.

So we ordered books for when we get back to reading and have been playing a lot of the witcher III we get pissed off rather than trauma triggered with all the rigid misogynistic gender roles and 'whore' talk, not going to be getting any mercy from us you ploughin cunt who tortures and murders prostitute NPCs. It's a fucking fantasy game there really is no excuse for not showing Gerald's snow white scarred butt as well as well as the pubescent boobs and butts of skinny sexualised female characters, maybe some male strumpets, some female merchants, maybe even some non white skinned humanoids, some clearly stated same sex couplings? It wouldn't be that hard to use a bit more diversity in the faces and stories. Maybe we will find a lesbian warrior with an Irish accent on Skillege but I think the cross dressing tailor, the one female captain that told us to piss off and the Elvin female robbers is the best we will get. Junior isn't bothered by that as we are but he would not be comfortable with some of the language in Witcher, but I can enlist his help on battles I can't be bothered with and show him some of the cooler monsters, tell him about some of the stories.

Maybe one day there will be a quality fantasy diverse open world RPG's with more interesting and creative stories. It will be a wonderful day.

He's asked for the Evil Within 2 and got it for him it's not for us though as it's whole premis triggers us in ways rapey Witcher doesn't. He's been playing BOTW again too I really can't be bothered with it.

Sleep anxiety you piss me off and fuck up everything 

January 09, 2020


Currently working on our PIP appeal and Netflix of course. No surprise about the PIP, knew we didn't put enough information in it. It came just after filling the same fucking form for UC and couldn't go through it all again also when a woman turned up for the face to face we knew we would downplay and make out things are not that bad as people tend to do, especially people who have be ''trained'' to. Plan is to send in our scrappy request for mandatory consideration saying we will write more if andy when we get a printer because handwriting is fucking painful, holding the pen too tightly because of the stress and anxiety of it doesn't help.

Think its likely there will not be much posts now, since the last one. Quite a few have been started but words wouldn't flow, there is a strong sense in a various aspects of us that one of the main reasons for this whole blog was to get us to a place where we could integrate the memories described in the November post. The being brought round covered and surrounded by the hacked up body parts of someone who loved us. As we already had a complex system there was a lot of dissatisfaction that we appeared to have forgotten that it had happened so it would have again. Last night we saw a birthday candle in amongst guts and being told ''Happy Birthday! Eat up!''. We know the whole thing about it happening again because we survived is the usual crap aimed a making the victim feel responsible for being victimised. It's our old neighbours we see saying happy birthday and their forced loud laughter we hear. You left me and our son living next to them for years and that has resulted in us just not seeing and feeling for people at all, just non human non entities.

Of course we are not certain of how many times it happened but there was one word that came from us last night as an answer without any supplementary images, noises, smells or sensations thankfully. Just ''Five'' with our left hand with fingers stretched out.

Been reading 'Alone in Berlin' thankfully so far its been light on the descriptions of atrocities, we are not or are likely to get any better at not really struggling after descriptions of murdered small children. Also switching between reading it and its depiction of the personality of the Fuhrer and those loyal to it, the opinions and rationalisations of the German populace and reading news from the States in particular is something we need to be careful with because of the similarities. It's not him it's the people around him/yes something should be done about the Jews but not so extreme and so quickly/He can't handle it when he doesn't get his own way/to question or critise is treasonous/party loyalty is most important when it comes to getting and keeping employment and promotions regardless of merits and skills. The state sanctioned and enforced thievery but that's hardly just a Nazi Germany and Trump American thing. The disregard for truth and facts. The superiority complexes based on nothing.

Yesterday we managed a half decent walk in the morning, it was a bright cold day and enjoyed most of it but of course that meant we couldn't sleep last night and can't keep our eyes open now. That's okay, we will just nap there is no one here to stop and punish us for it. And it's raining.

December 12, 2019

30th November, St Andrews Day (Scotland) All Day

Its been easy to not look directly at it. Plenty things on the calander to distract and hide it all behind. There has been attemps to reach up to the front of house to try draw attention to it. Whatever it was that would veto that wasnt something not many of us could consider challenging and whatever it was is gone now. There is no definite need to keep it at arms length anymore. It's the kind of thing we had to be confident was so buried that no amount of gloating or more active attempts to trigger the memories and feelings would fly over our head so we could stand firm and just look them in the eye and let them all see whatever they were attempting was not having the desired effected. The opposite even because so many of us know what they are doing and know what we are doing to defend from it and are very certain there is no way any of them can get round it. It gets quite therapeutic watching them getting more and more desperate sometimes.

But then we went back to how it was. That it might not be true and if we don't know, we don't know so nothing can be done. It's about the boy, our boy, the 'why isn't he here' boy, family, best friend, lover, soul mate, other half, reason for caring, for living. Early/mid nineties we were both captured and kept drugged, restrained, injured. So drug was given to me so I would wake up and found myself covered in chopped up parts of Paul. His head positioned so I could clearly see the his face, his dead eyes. In the bedroom before the blue wallpaper was put up. Then I was taken through the room that decades later would be mine and Pablo's and raped. Nothing and no one has been be real since.

We have a sense it was mainly a 'Scots only' op. They could get past their various handlers when motivated and severe sadism is all that ever motivated them. Although I don't think that Scots believing they were working alone means that it was true and big chunks of us reckon it is completely impossible for the Scots to organise anything alone. Just because they can't remember Russian, American, English and other accents giving them detailed instructions doesn't mean that isn't exactly how it went down.

We found a grey hair recently and pulled it out and looked at it. It came with the same flashbacks of having seeing it decades before, the same oh yeah we knew this would happen that accompanies so much of our experiences. I regular reminder of how ancient and deep the bullshit is and how it has stolen almost all our choices and of course how utterly alone we are.

November 30, 2019 solemnely swear..

It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn.

We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its return until looking through a notebook for the thing we wrote on the last time we took the train from Markinch to here and saw the pages of lists, phone numbers and sums. The dead ends, the stressed mistakes that led to lots more stress all laid out as well as the steps we actually took that worked out. It's just bring back the exhaustion and the heart break from then but it and something we wrote recently about the promises used to keep ourself going, how we couldn't sort out the benefits for like seven or eight months, the anger is back to equalling the heartbreak.

We knew we wouldn't be making any attempt at socialising or building a support network for a long time if ever because we just don't have anything left and also because it isn't change enough. It's me going to extreme lengths to stay alive and keep Pablo alive with no little help from anyone else, same as always. What has changed is the physical attacks, the physical, chemical restraints, and all the tortures or the constant threat of them, the work. Quite sure though the only reason it is not still going on is because of the resistance efforts of myself and mother. Other people didn't change. The power systems and the cultures are the same exact ones put in place by slavers in order to maintain slavery without any signs of change. Genuine justice is as impossible as it ever was.

We cleared our self enough space to have a little peace and that is something that most people don't have any real chance of doing and the will that we depended on to believe it was possible and to keep fighting is not going to suddenly let go, look around and feel satisfied with our little bit of lonely dissociated peace.

We have been drawing a little and that distracts her but we catch her looking at what We've done being pushed by the hazy recall of some specific training or work we had to do that involved drawing into the 'what if' abyss.  We don't feel the same intensity over everything to so with the music industry, we can see a guitar and sometimes almost feel nothing so it's not surprising another creative industry is going to dominate the fury over our talents and the skills we were given that we will never be recognised as having, work we will never be paid for and the sick slavers worshipped as geniuses in their fields when their entire expertise exists in doing harm.

Hope this mood shifts soon, keep going round in a cycle of needing people and needing to not to try and explain what the fuck we are to anyone, of needing to not be waiting then realising we are not fit for anything else.. Think too much US news isn't helping, how could they let that thing on TV, let alone run for office? Our American was nearer the surface for a little while, loving some of the statements during the hearings, think she is someone who actually is letting go though and beginning to join the rest of us in accepting statelessness. There has been some crazy stuff gone on stop us from feeling any loyalty to the US from all over nowhere as committed to that as some people in America.  The rest of us are very sorry she has to move on, we would of preferred to have to work to get the rest of us to join her but that's not what's happening as we are not in the states and have had no contact with any American's for a long time and that is something they promised would never happen. He would laugh as say not unless they killed them all but I couldn't laugh back knowing that was actually a lot more likely, easier and without consequences for the murderers than he realised. Suppose there is a chance they could be late but our insides say otherwise, they're gone.

November 24, 2019

There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.

 There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it is going to hit us like a tsunami but is more regularly falling into bottomless puddles of ice water.

We are wondering what will happen to Ms Of Course who knew we would end up here as surely and definitely as she knows most things that would put us here and had decided the best course of action was to delay responding emotionally to all events until the conditions were more appropriate. She may be in the role of the main just stop everything and softly cry. The cry has changed recently and it often does.

Things that we fought hard and long and with everything we could to keep but lost, memories of family, self awareness based in who I am outside of slaver control starts slowly returning, waking up. Sonny, long before Pablo.


In Dundee someone amongst all the endless physical and verbal and institutional hate someone called up sounding all privileged and hate made pumped up on some shoddy and bloody intel thinking him and his particular group of fellow human sellers would get our attention by saying that they knew who Louise was.

It did get my attention but only very briefly but did trigger issues that don't go away and helped kept us awake during a night when it would of actually been okay to sleep.

There's only one answer to 'I know who Louise is.' and that's 'So you know about the genocide then? And all the other types of mass slaughter like how sometimes they just wanted kids of a certain age and didn't care where they came from or colour they were. So you'll know about the slavery as well then? The breeding and all torture and extreme shit that goes on? Well of course you know. You called me. You called me and said you know who Louise was. So must be at least involved in the slavery then? The big markets in huge under ground car parks where people of all ages are auctioned? Where there is arguments about precisely how much sampling of the goods is allowed and at what price? And you get beaten for even accidental eye contact.

If no one bought someone sometimes they were just shot in the head then sometimes in front of their families or they would be sold to be worked to death somewhere like the snuff farms, organ stealers, death rings and murder party organisers, the fatal experiments or some other evil disgustingness ancient or brand new.

November 20, 2019

bye bye back to hell you mysterious horror dresser

It's gone. It's taken some of the poison from the worst times from before and after moving to Dundee. The details are high up on a shelf in a locked box and we have no motivation to try and find the key. The extremes of we were put through feel in the past now and not stuff that we are still going through. Thought we might be a bit more motivated to re organise and find places for all the stuff taken from the dresser. Weirdly though we don't feel inspired to go through all the existing drawers to make space. We wrapped a couple of presents instead and covered them with a sheet, that will do for now until we have finished sorting out the cupboard. May have to buy more storage boxes but don't to buy anything that isn't definite basic essesntials or xmas presents for Pablo or Us.

We had to make promises serious promises to get ourself here last year. We said we wouldn't attempt to sort out the benefits straight away if they didn't use the ESA form and they didn't. Sitting on the edge of the bed in Fife, or in a B&B walking through towns to catch buses we had to keep ourself going and then do it all again, completely drained and exhausted. We haven't been able to make much genuine promises to ourself during previous moved. It's frying pan, fire or floor and being eaten by a dog. We were fully aware it would be that way until things out of my control made it possible for us to live safer and with some comfort and we had to make sure we still had the mental capacity to recognise it when it happened and the emotional and physical capacity to do any thing about it and there had been at least layers way above the street based stuff that knew that the hiarchies were changing and falling apart so they had to go all in in making sure themselves that the slaves were all dead or permanently dead.

You can see it the Republicans, a total abandonment of ethics and respect for the truth. It's all there is over here but we don't check. It's too horrible, physicaly triggering even. It's not pretty watching such a really sad grasping hold of control over culture where no violence or crime is too much to keep giving them a sense of supreme privilege for just a moment longer and making everything materially and socially worse for everyone including themselves. It's a sickening paranoia and we haven't attempting to watch the long statements from Numpty Nunes or the twat in the shirt or the conservative women bot.. No one wants what they have but people will have their rights to exist and have at least a chance of living with some hope and comfort to be respected.

So glad there is signs of a genuine effort to prevent fascism from taking over the US constitution. It feels real. Not like something where the verdict was determined millions of years ago. We wish we had the self awareness and mental capacity to understand fully what that means. We can feel though and it feels different better and like I've gone from living in the dark in a small cold room to being outside and warm and safe. It is definitely better of course to be watching the hearings and listening to committed solid Americans than watching the putrid ones gloat it all goes wrong but we don't catasrophise like we used and don't instantly assume that it would start bringing the end to any decency in power across the planet or that would mean the instant death of democracy in the US. Especially since they are doing such a good job of pissing off the military, pissing the intelligence community off and most of the rest of the civil services and anyone everywhere who cares genuinely about anything daily.

We gotta fill some more promises. Food and maybe booze. But definitely hot water bottle and bed.