October 19, 2014

Little by little

Really should stop putting triggers in as titles.  It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug..

Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding..

Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and  pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.  

Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for nothing by 'contacting authorities' particularly if she meant Grampian authorities.. But looking forward to speaking to her about everything apart from that.. It's totally bolloxed everything with the gran again. She got better at holding her tongue when it came to telling me she doesn't remember anything that I've never been raped and have false memories that I only make accusations when I've been smoking too much weed (haven't smoked any today mum and still stand by every fucking word).. but now we are back to where we were. Struggling to bare the thought of her, thinking about all the ways she has undermined all her daughters and feeling like we are nothing, sub human.

But we remember super shrinks' response we told her the last time the gran said stuff like that. She looked genuinely shocked, hurt even that my mother would dismiss all my pain like that. So hard to see any resolution to any of it. No regrets at moving here though just lots of wishing we had more help and  were less isolated and lonely with it all but that's normal. 

..think that when we do eventually finish the statement .. We will be very proud of it..

October 17, 2014

Jersey draft

The M&Ms are done,  wine & pringels have been opened as has the statement.. Gonna need more weed. Took us 6 grams just to get to a place where we could open the friging envelope. 



It needs a lot of work. Very young simple damaged part doing the original speaking trying to push her way past the programming. All that physical pain and unmet needs I can hear her in every word  of it. But she isn't strong enough to do this alone. Why should she she wasn't the only one of us that was sent out there.

There is only about 6 pages there, think we can add to that, barely a paragraph we would leave as is though.

...


October 15, 2014

Title

Morning world,

She is getting the house all lovely for us it's really exciting.  It's a lovely house in a lovely place and we have been so scared about what bad things were going to happen because we were so happy to be here.  It's getting better now are there has been enough bravery to make decisions about changing and getting rid of stuff.  We love it when all the outside kids are here but I know big us needs to get lots done and that their gran wants to  keep them. We think they should stay here with a dog and some cats to! But it is so nice for big uses to get used to  felling good and be happy to be busy.

The parts that are not very good at sharing the brain and body are getting better. We know it's horrible for them to feel and see what it feels like to live through just extreme bad stuff. And they know how much better they feel and how safer we are when we are all connected and as ok with each other as poss. 

..gonna just post that as is .. :-)

October 12, 2014

Sunday morning call

Tea with the family ended rather prematurely. She causally mentioned that kids were going up the road for few days.  Their dad had spoken to my dad and has moved back in so they have somewhere to stay.. If she had done it with a bit more tact or shown a bit of concern for our health, with all that we have done and have to do, with the house & kids it would of helped.  

We got upset.. Spider monkey came in and I said i didn't think we should discuss it at the moment. Mum said we should. I don't think it's appropriate for six year olds to overheard allegations of sexual abuse or them being denied by close family member. 'What about my feelings mum? You heard what we said to social worker' But it's the usual.

 Saying that I want to stop them going up there when they love it, saying he is there dad he has rights and that they will stay out of grandad's way when he is pissed. That she offered to meet him with the kids and she offered to go back up to take them home is needed.

 'You only say these things when you have dope' type stuff.  That's always a first line of defense. We think cannabis has negative effects on her to.  Don't think we have told her though, cause who the fuck are we to lecture!?  Lost it in the past over that one though 'that's because we are too depressed and terrified to think or feel nevermind speak without it!'  While ago now.

We just left. After some pointless bickering.  Grabbed the bit I was gonna share as after dinner blim, grabbed our wine & chocolate and left.

Really could of done with the stew, tatties etc what with the peroid, the physical & emotional work, the infected thigh and armpits that are thinking about it but home is close and getable to so we left.  

Can't share food, drugs & wine with some who thinks you can share food, drugs & wine with some who tells you your rape claims are false, in front of children.  Not when you have an option any way. 

Wotsits and chocolate with a micro lasangua for big little man.. And organising our amazon shabby chic wish list.. 

Xx

October 04, 2014

Newness and oldness

It would be much easier to type this on an actual keyboard with a monitor instead of this wee screen but would have to negotiate several boxes to get over there and much comfier here in bed anyway with the pain.  It hasn't been too bad, the odd day here and there rather than proper chronic.  At the new docs the other day and he kept saying 'anything else' we couldn't think of anything.. Until 10 meters out of the surgery and there it was, aya fucker.. 

So much to do. Which we are actually likely that, the kind of work that is rewarding because we will be living with and enjoying the results everyday.  A lot of Laura's we can't throw out yet but don't really have space for and none of rest of family are remotely interested. Her oldest said he would come down for her ashes but hasn't, hasnt helped our here as promised either. 

Psychosis was down last weekend, she visited mother in hospital and then asked me if I had money cause she fancied a Chinese but couldn't pay for it.. We raised our eyebrows and dad paid which he puked up later on mums carpet and throw, numpty. Our neice told us when we asked how she had slept.. She offered to take all the kids so I would get a night off we turned her down knowing her and dad would be getting pissed, there wasn't enough space for them, they would be up all night and it was us that was going to have to deal with them all on Sunday & Monday morning.

'dad' did help my pal with the heavy lifting which was essential because of our festering thigh followed by antibiotics making us very sick. 

 So good to see discloser niece espicially since she had so much love in eyes for us unlike the last few times we saw her when we were getting the 'you left me' vibe. 

Really wish we had to oppurtunify to sort out and say goodbye to the flat properly instead of having to abandon heaps of stuff cause there was no time, not enough help and no room in the car. Glad to be out of that street, away from the nightmare neighbour and the friend who let me have 5 to 10 minutes to talk about Laura before going back to talking about herself and a heap of people we don't know.. The constant reminders everytime she did anything for us and the apparent amnesia about anything we did for her. Hope her oldest will be all right but so glad we won't be triggered by her lack of patience for her anymore.

To begin with the dreams we were getting here seemed quite positive, recurring settings and situations but with a strong sense that things had moved on.  Prolonged lack of weed is making them worse though, disturbing and unsettling we are back to sleeping with the light on.  Being alone in the dark with those feelings when we wake up several times a night is horrible espicially when we are too tired to do anything else but go straight back to sleep. At least with light on we can see where we are. 

Next week! Hopefully, we beg of thee Scotish weed networks!! Thankfully we also have therapy this coming week to. Particularly since our draft Jersey inquiry statement is here and unopened nevermind read and added to *nausous face* ..




September 19, 2014

September

A no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic.

Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September. 

The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school.. 

Either way it seems this place is ours and we loved it from first sight. Sorry that the sorting, cleaning, painting has had to slow down til the fever passes but it's ok we will get there..

The funeral was ok. Didn't get attacked by anyone and Psychosis wasn't there so she couldn't take her shitty feelings out on me. We read, 'do not weep' by Elizabeth Fry, mum's choice and everyone was really nice and gave us lots of hugs.

The kids' Dad is causing stress. As he has done in the past. Talking about getting his own place and taking the kids to Aberdeen. Mum gave us the impression that he had backed down what with him staying at a mates house, working long shifts and the kids being settled here but he started it again with me today. Said one minute that Veruca doesn't want to move again then started talking about taking them away, coz they have more family up there (that they rarely see and haven't helped out). Said something about being 'kept' at Dads, where he made little or no attempt to find his own place why would he? His work was minutes away, all he did was work, smoke and pay my dad 50 a week. '3 days without a smoke that's good for me' .. Pfft.. Don't think we can let him in here again. He offers no help (with all his stuff) and upsets us. He really doesn't get the whole  kids needs come first thing. 'I wouldnae move here when Laura was alive so I'm not gonna do it now'. Your kids are here you fucking tool..Mum is in charge though so there isn't much we can do at the moment.

 I hate that whole 'I have a right to see my kids when it suits me and not when it doesn't but don't have responsibilities' attitude it sickens us. He came down Friday night, talked about leaving today but is leaving tomorrow instead. When asked about specifics, like it would be helpful for us, mum & the kids to know when he will be here and when not. He said the 12th and maybe other times when he can afford it .. So once a month then..

Meanwhile the kids need cared for everyday (they are 5 & 6), their gran still has severe COPD, we see them everyday and our wee man plays with them everyday.. 

 Pisses us off that mum lets him stay with her after the shit he has done and things he has said. 'But he's their dad..' (Of course he has rights he was in an abusive relationship with their mother!)  Well he needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feat then doesn't he and start treating the people who look after his kids with some respect. 

Wonder if she would rather they went to him than me anyway. Updated the useless social worker about having made lots of allegations. He thought he would be in and out. Didn't even take his pen and notebook. Mum also hadn't told him she has severe COPD. He thought it was asthma.. 

Useful friend coming down this week thankfully coz we can't drive a van, nor empty our old second floor flat by our selves..


August 19, 2014

We will see

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.
Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha