January 23, 2015

Well maybe everything isn't all that awesome..

Alright, alright. Me telling you 'everything is fine' doesn't help. It's hard to engage on your own though.

There is a big push to get more in depth in therapy. We are getting behind the fronts that covers it all in ways that feels permanent. We need to have faith that the therapy is going to help eventuly with the pain that has controled us to varying degrees for a long time. There is not going to be any decorating when it burns and aches like this so much of the time, making the trauma feel nice and fresh. 

T talks about asking parts to stop the pain and think that with some in depth work she will start to understand how that isn't going work. It's too complex. We need to figure our which part is unable to communicate with another part that would free them up to help out the parts that will be able to help the parts who help the parts that cause the pain once they have their needs met.. 

Bloody politics. 

Of course it's not fine that we don't know where you are at.. Or if you are even alive or the soul we think you are etc., etc., just part of it all though isn't it.  

Pretty confident we haven't completly made you up or fallen for some cartel of 'Intel experts' cartoon.  It's the way everything else starts making sense when we start accepting the role you played in our survival that is most convincing.  We start remembering the monotony of being abused, the airports, the transitions and we all start to see and feel each other better. Best of all and scariest of all is the strong sense of an 'I' that has existed through it all rather than a constant dislocation and amnesia about the past. It's a human 'I' though, she became mute, buried without help.

We are not exactly prepared to accept the physical pain, the contractions, the inflammation and whatever else is going on is just something that will be forever but we know it is a possibility. 

Unsurprisingly the lack denial states makes being around mother very hard. It's an elephant in the room punching me in the uterus and making us feel we have moved no further forward in anyway.  We just feel like we need more than a therapist to deal with all that any time soon. 

We had forgotten we have noticed in the past how tired and achy we feel when we have too much contact with her. 

On the other hand, she has kept junior on school nights when we have said we are too sore to cope. We need the time. It's wonderful, treasured, fabulous, healing time! Even if it only happens when we are desperate from hurting. We can partially placate ourselves by taking a look at how far we have come and how we did it, let her have some time with him she is alone, older and it's probably not going to be able to see him forever, things are always changing.  

Bring Mr Men stuff & pens. Lots of pens.

Love you.




Postcard

Sorry we haven't written for a while. We are never very sure how to articulate when we are changing like we feel we are  at the moment. Not externally, we are releasing lots of pain and are exhausted with all the trauma recall that is popping up constantly but we can see ourselves without blinding negativity. We are not running from whatever pops up or holding on it either. We hold on to the part that lived it and watch the trauma file itself in a system that I am increasingly able to make sense of.  So much less DID shame. 

Cats are bloody brilliant. We love them. They seem like good non psychopathic pusses thankfully to. We are spending lots of time on the sofa cuddled up with them. The little one is so funny with all the typical young cat stuff it's a relief to have more life about the place. An even bigger relief that we are in a place where it is a relief to have all the life pitter pattering about if you know what I mean. 

Have invested lots of time and some actual real money on building a small castle town. We are proud of it! It's like the colouring, you can actually see the progress being made. Something pretty to show for our efforts that is still here I guess. It helps. We like it.  

Getting frustrated at times to but that is impossible to avoid and we remind our selves of that.  We can remembering being in a place where we couldn't think about DID without heartbreak and anxiety. We remember being a place where we felt constantly alienated from our own flesh and did our best to ignore every message it sent us. We are not in that place anymore and it's nice!

Got no idea in what sort of place you are all in at the moment but that's ok. 

January 16, 2015

cat trauma

She checked out a drawer a couple of times but wasn't content anywhere. Kept following me around. On me or as close to me as she could tolerate if we were smoking.  Her behaviour to the kitten had changed she was tolerating him.  Not growling or going for him any more. We knew something was up and we knew what. It was also clear that she wasn't going go find a corner or go under my bed or anything she just wanted be with me.  Having been in labour ourselves we we reluctant to try and persuade her to move. It was awful. Thankfully junior was at his grans anyway because pain was at non functioning levels, menstruating. We did lots of colouring in but it was only for so long we could sit there, colour whilst petting and calming talking to and encouraging her but we managed not to puke. When she started struggling she went into a dark corner with most of what looked like a lifeless wee soul already passed.

She was fine though, popped out a few minutes later minus kitten and looking non stressed, tried to get back on my lap. We where wearing our new jammie bottoms. She went back to the corner with a little bit of encouragement we weren't sure if she had more and the thought of her giving birth on our actual lap was too much. Thankfully. that was all though.  Didn't know what to do with the wee body but as she was following me about and not protecting it so much I shut her in the kitchen to get it. All black, seemed quite big really and definitely dead no matter how much we blew into its nose or rubbed its belly. The mom stays close to me still and meows a little bit at night when we go to bed and she doesnt want to come through for a little while. She is definitely our cat now. She puts her front legs over our belly and it comforts the sore parts more than the microwave hot thing does.

Very glad we had sufficient medication. We see pain we feel pain and seeing puss with full on contractions when we had already been suffering made it very difficult to not dissociate badly but we rode it out on gabys and weed. Have been hitting the gabys a bit hard because they improve our quality of life without necessarily taking all pain away and cause the doc said we should be taking them three times a day anyway.

We are becoming more comfortable and less judgey with ourselves about the drugs, prescribed and otherwise.  The pain is release, we are not just getting incomprehensible disturbing snippets any more we are remembering. We are starting to accept the experience as it was, all that physical pain and everything that went all long with it happened and how happen. It happened then and thats what it felt like but it is not happening now. Its really nice now. People who went through that would love living here with the rest of us. Its not perfect but we wont ignore or relish your pain.

Supershrink agrees, reluctantly of course that drugs really are acceptable at the moment because they loosen the anxiety that keeps the 'we don't have DID' system running and that means depression, lack of self worth, public vulnerability etc., etc,. in place. There is lots of commitment and excitement even that we are ready to start doing heavier work in therapy. Fucking scary as well of course. But the stuff we have already processed and is floating about in our head day to day and causing little or no anxiety when we bump into is hardly the lighter stuff or only understood from a limited perspective. We are sharing things. Its like we have the picture of what the jigsaw looks like know and are co-operating well in putting it together. We have taken enough of the walls down to see and wave to each other.  Taking the monsters apart in shifts and using the parts to repair the broken bits.

jeez enough with similes..  No change really just a bit further on with what we have always being doing. Feels great though. We bought Scotland socks. Seriously. Other socks and pants to. And new duvet and pillows so we have some that havent been peed or puked on at any time.. Even Gran is buying herself playmobil. She said something about buying camping gear we were only half listening and never said she wasnt really fit for camping these days. When us came back with the bairns after school she was constructing a playmobil campsite. She has bought sets for the kids to. Excellent. We are of course utterly delighted with out fairies, trees and animals collection. Unspeakably so at times..

Maybe some things have changed..

 People that were in hell are know wandering about in ancient woodlands or lazing around on beaches, watch tv and smoke weed all day in safety..

January 02, 2015

2015. First Post.


Cleaned a good bit yesterday, bits that have been put off for ages and hoovered. Metal dish scrubber and sponge to vinyl, got off most the paint splashes off floor neat the doors, the mankiest of skirting washed. Splatter on kitchen radiator gone. Big. Steps.

Back to looking forward to sorting and usifying house again. Moving little bits of furniture around to see how it will work best. Staring at walls and thinking about colours and light.

Been great with kids here.  They are at ages that with enough good new distractions they can be left to it. Let them turn their room into utter carnage. Of course their Gran stressed about them making mess. Particularly when they got into a bag of wool. They are are healthy able bodied primary school aged kids, there are three of them and its wool.. besides they are co-operating really well and its merry merry, let them be. Couldnt of felt happier seeing monkey clarted in dust from pastels, might frame some of what she has done, really smart. The small cat on the other hand has much higher chances of hurting its self in there with all that wool and think even he isnt in any real danger what with the Spider Monkey usually attached or trying to be attached to her already.  He is a non binary cat, who gets called both 'he' and 'she'. Poor thing scarperd under my bed today, his mum was not up for sharing her refuge. He didnt go there to bother her by trying to play he just wanted to get away from the monkey.

Couldnt of made a fabulous start to sorting out the spare room without them. We told them to go sort it out so gran had somewhere to sleep just to see what would happen and the did excellent job in clearing it. Dead chuffed with them.


.. Sweeping our kitchen floor and scrubbing dead sister related grubbiness away is way more fun with a new young cat around than without one.. :-)

And all the good drink, food, smokes helps of course.

The Other Puss is much more confident around the house to but still extremely grumpy with her son. She has started settling on top of my bed today instead of under it, happy enough to purr away, sleep, etc. Dont think she is pregnant any more. She just has a really small head.. and we have been over feeding her of course..


 


2014 Last post

So festive parts around. Got some essentials. Its looking good. I see the railway track near Longforgn when I stared up after an awful walk mum had decided she wanted to bond with me get me fit, she was worried about me getting fat.  There had been some horrific nights around that time I was in a lot of pain, so tired. I was switching like mad there was no 'everything is ok really' she had been reduced to seconds with loud abusive voices shouting at her the whole time until she ran away weeping. There was this increasing conscious awareness of everything we were been put through but seen as if from a distance like it was a film watched by a good student for a course they need to do well in but isnt a subject that particularly engaged them. In its self that is pretty cool but it was terrifying because it had been linked in programming to being caught in states where parts had lost the ability to dissociate at all during trauma. That seemed to be an objective in terms of the rings a lot.  We stood on the bridge and stared up the tracks to slight bend before they went out of view. Trying to remember very shade of green and grey and brown in the landscape and sky working so hard to be there, to find something tangible, that was strong and rooted in solid realness enough to get me through whatever was going to happen next.  Everything hurt or ached a lot except for the most inside places that were burning and screaming in agony and couldnt be minimised or ignored any more. Mother was being her usual unsympathetic self.

It was before the perspective that is sitting here beliefs we started menstruating but we dont think that is particularly relevant. We think more of things being forced inside. But maybe it was miscarriage. The details will come at some point later there are parts close that have already seen it and we can see them. The understanding hasnt driven them into becoming complete ghouls. They just seem like any of us, maybe a bit smarter and calmer.. Some say it was particularly bad in terms of how it was experienced and what that did to our whole systems but familiar in terms of the specifics of what we went through. We have stronger ones that we cant see quite so well but we have glimpses into their insight and know they have a much deeper and detailed understanding 'particularly bad .. in terms of what it did to our system'  and 'familiar in terms of specifics actually means. Their/Our pain is very palpable. We know. We were there. All that pain happened to us to and we are the parts the control what we do without us seeing them. We want them to stop holding back all that horror because the names and faces of main enforcers are all over Music, TV, Radio, Academia, Psychology, Science.


 They made their voices shout in our heads whilst torturing us for hearing them.We are strong enough there are loads of us that have been dealing with all this shit there is loads of us here working really well together you know us well enough to not crush us you are already here.

Besides there are so many others we that will come forward because they see you trusting we wont have time to mess up over you. You are good that is why you hold and protected us from it so we know when you are able you will help others. No one is expected to have anything to do with outside people if they dont want to. There are plenty for all that to.

Anyway the railway tracks and talk of the expression 'further up the track'  But all we say was how beautiful it looked. Did we remember it happening because we were in the same location? not a flashback as much as a clear memory without any emotions. Decisions were made. There seems to have always been lots of serious decisions being made or being planned to be made and lots of weeping about what we could be thinking about and working on if we can more time and space, food and warmth to do it.


I was in primary 5/6.

...




December 29, 2014

December 2014. Still.

Not long.. apparently..

Hope so coz the house needs cleaned. Would be great to get it done by the new year because January sucks for people in general but for folk who are over their heads in trigger dates there are whole other levels of misery and of course after January comes February.. Hope to spend it nicely medicated and stop feeling guilty about being 'altered' we are never more 'altered' than when our blood is clean of anything, what with the PTSD, the programming, the triggers and the knowing.

Some of us will never believe you are coming back. The rest are frozen. There is just rubble and dust here how are we supposed to build anything with that? We are too busy scrabbling about for day to day survival.. Whilst feeling guilty for having things so good materially. We can afford to buy wine and gas on the 29th, or rather we have cash to buy wine.. Debts are truly insult to injury.. Oh sweet ignorance, wouldn't it be lovely.. If the only thing that would bring you back is orders and traffickers and their associates arranging it means you will never be back. We can't roll like that.

Swear this bed has some sort of portal, before it was spliffs now its a lump of cheese..

Intentions for the New Year, getting back into regular therapy now that we are more settled here and turning it up a notch. Docs cant do much for the pain and nonfunctioning issues so intensive therapy is only hope for it. At very least it might get us to a place where we can at least seriously consider finding private gynaecologist. Or going back to that masseurs who probably has much better understanding of how muscles hold trauma anyway..

The usual day dreams about finding quality reading material, positive feminism.. We don't need to have the workings of misogyny and patriarchy explained to us, we know fine. What we need is writings that make us feel better about our selves, the worlds we live in and the future. Too many of us dont wanna read anyway, too cynical, too tortured. Finding what we need would probably tax out brightest and most confident so our current chances are extremely slim. New Years bring new parts, generally temporarily still doesnt make much sense to heap pressure on them before they are even out.

Guess we need to figure out what we are going to do with Jersey Inquiry. Seemed to have slammed into an emotional brick wall. It's all so much bigger than any individual inquiry, as our dreams recently keep reminding us. Wish they weren't all getting their way though, we are mute and isolated, UK activists are abusers and/or supporting rapists, truthers only care about crap on the internet and not about people, Government disgusting, press riddled, uninformed and controlled to the hilt, etc and we are out of wine and cheese.. Don't remind me about normal mature cheddar in fridge our needs are beyond that.

Gotta be said though, as we have said since sometime in the 90s every Christmas's will always be better than one before and we were right, these years anyway.

..We bought the album, Art Garfunkle with the song on it and played it over and over, trying to sing until we remember who we were singing it to. He turned up, said it was our song, for Rosa even though she wasnt his. He broke a bit when we said that. But we knew the surveillance we were under we had to keep weak parts upfront. But we are so sorry.

..
And people bitch about internet history being gawked at.. get a life.

December 28, 2014

Bright eyes.

Ow.

Its quite sharp at the moment and has been for a few hours. If it was a shape some of us would say a big curvy blobby orangey red, others spikey in cold blues and white. Others think yellow because of its association with cowardliness. The cowardliness of those that caused it  more than the weakness it causes in us.  To 'me' at the moment its the colour of his skin, its the ache of a phantom limb, the weight of how it feels to be bought and sold, to be less than livestock. Its the pain of being tortured from infancy and still being able to bond and knowing how that bond will need to be destroyed by everyone around us from those than gained the most from slavery, to the managers and fellow slaves.  They all saw us as something that can not be. Every second of love, of pride turned the world charcol grey with hate.

It's so far from over. How can we let anyone near us after knowing what it felt like to be touched by someone who knew us and looked up to us.. Someone who we found over and over again that gave us and still gives us our sense wholeness, of personhood.


Maybe it was around this time of year when Ferris murdered baby Rosa (the first).  Maybe it was around this time that he helped us remember so we wouldnt be so confused about why I was in such a mess. So I could at least make a small step towards mourning and accepting that is needed to get out of that state of terror, shock and disbelief that makes it so easy for the abuser crews to revicitimise us.

Its good to have furr balls about the place, even if the mom of the adolescent boy wont let him anywhere near her, she growls even if she hears him in another room and is possibly pregnant. Bit concerned that she is going to get too big and wont be able to squish herself flat enough to get out from underneath my bed.  The wee lad is great highly entertaining and doesnt do that whole attacking your hand because they get too excited from petting thing that lots of cats do. Had a lovely hour or so dozing cuddled up with him on the sofa, zonked out on gabapentin, codrydromal and brandy.  The only relief from pain is getting wasted. We love the way getting zonked up opens up our mind but hate that we have to take drugs to feel in touch and comfortable with our selfs.  Must be three weeks or so since our last spliff, we get the idea to try the things we would be likely to do if we had plenty, like keeping housework under control or playing with our toys but not the drive.

Anyhow. Cheers brother husband and sorry we wont use your names here, I know you would tell us just to do whatever we could to feel comfortable and always wept with us or for us when we couldn't.  Would be great if you could turn up soon. Couple of CID asked is I had heard from my 'husband' on the night Laura died, we just looked at them and shook our head. The more human ones asked if I was married once the tools had left we showed them our naked hands and said no, talked about how every thing is taken off me, the slavery and the DID.  When we were talking about Laura's two we said it would be good to talk to someone unbiased, to figure out what was best for them.  She said they were all biased towards me. Things feel much safer but dont know how true that is.

Bring weed. Lots of it. I have enough to feed us and their is enough space.

xx


Cant properly proof read this (when can we ever?)..