June 26, 2019

Can't keep waiting to not be in pain anymore to do stuff. Going to have to make a little more effort without overdoing it espically after big stretches of doing very little. Did well today. Out and about on the hunt for a hairdresser because none seem to answer their phones or are open when we try and phone, got an appointment, also put self and son down on a waiting list for nearby dentists. Wouldn't need to wait if we went a bit further but its the dentist its unpleasant, triggering, painful don't need to be adding long walks or public transport onto that list of horridness. Wondered round antique shop, we do love antique shops, there is a lot of cool little places we wish we got round to using more close by and hopefully we will start to. The CPN was encouraging us to join one of the many groups that go on but don't feel there yet, will try and meet a commitment to ourself  first to go for a wander most days first.

Its not just for the pain levels we want to get stronger for its our weight to, it does bother us when we look in the mirror but something has always bothered us in the mirror even when we are underweight. Health wise and joints wise though we would like to loose a little. Breakfast, lunch, tea instead of packets of biscuits because we love chocolate and they're cheap and we cant face proper food. It started with the chip sticks back in Fife without cannabis and with no idea how we could get out of there, even if we found somewhere how would we manage to do everything that needed done.. Then after the flit it was Christmas filling the heartbreak void with food, then months of skintness, pain, depression five minutes from a bargain store..

It has eventully started to look like summer again. June in north Britain is always miserable.. It would be such a nicer place to live if this wasn't the case. Garden is a bit neglected. Hopefully will do some feeding later but the grass will have to wait until tomorrow. Roses are starting to bloom if we get some good shots will share them here. Been wishing quite a lot that we felt more creative but that doesn't happen much without the essential supplies. Will be great when we get some, we will fall in love with here even more and be even more proud of ourself for getting us here, maybe even hopeful about the future!

Bed table came today its a marvelous thing. Just refilled the hot water bottle after a fried egg and toast. Gave in and took more codeine its just so fucking sore but now we are struggling to keep our eyes open even though the sleepless nights caught up with us and we slept at night. Pablo came through early morning and fell asleep next to us. He doesn't that for a while, it was nice. He's banned from screens again for bullshitting to our face about screen use. He had his tablet back because we have our new toy and promised he wouldn't use it after bedtime. After midnight we noticed an email, 'youtube has been downloaded' damn it boy.. We always end up hanging out more when he's banned and not just when we cant hear whatever we are watching on Netflix because of his dramatic sighing and inquires about how I could like whatever I'm watching from a guy who spends hours watching strangers sit round a table and play D&D.

 Do know we leave him to his own devices way too much but coping is always so difficult even without really bad pain we tend to be somewhere between very vulnerable and sensitive to extremely so and his ASD loud talking about D&D, asking questions relating to books I haven't read or whatever else he is into can be a real struggle and that makes us feel even more guilty and anxious which causes even more stress... Second smoke and bone book is here that is something else we can share and hes totally got the hang of rummy, the only card game I can remember.




June 24, 2019

Kept ourself awake all night by trying to sort out our Microsoft accounts after being told we needed permission from an adult before we could spend less than two pound in a game. Made things worse then remembered right password for right log in and its cool now. Except for the multiple versions of our name on the log in screen.  Concentration bad but not so bad that any attempt at resolving issues IT or otherwise leads to instantly feeling overwhelmed, panicy and stuck in a agonising dissociated state. We know which one is the adult so can ignore the rest for now. Might put in a picture so we know for sure which is the right one and can maybe tidy up the rest..  There was too much 'Julia' and we do seemed to have fixed that. It gets annoying not being certain about your name the only thing we are confident about is that our 'legal name' isn't it.

Did some tiding and cleaning. Tomorrow we hope to hoover. At least then we can be in pain somewhere clean and tidy instead of in a mess. Not that there is any chance of things getting as bad as in previous homes because we don't have that much stuff and it was clean and empty when we moved in.


Would love to sleep but when we close our eyes the dread takes over.


Another non starter of a weekend. Did finish reading smoke and bone though and waded through some more Netflix series. Zone Blanche ended with me gagging for more. Creepy and charming is not often well achieved but this was. Thought her finding the Roman sword so easily was a bit dubious but forgivable. Cant hate themes around environmental protection even with the celtic ritual sacrifice. Once that was devoured we gave a BBC thing a go and got through the first series of Unforgotten unharmed but a bit irritated but had to ditch the second because of children being trafficked to parties with rich people to be abused. Glad to see were strong enough to give something with that black and white BBC rectangle a go without being made much iller. We turned off shaking our head and with a sigh rather than the previous revulsion, fury and terror that made it physically and emotionally unbearable so we would be too dissociated to turn off the BBC continuing to recycle its victims experiences and its existing cover up systems to entertain the nation. We could turn if off and didn't feel like we would be punished for it or that it had destroyed whatever stability we might have been able to muster in the following days and weeks.

Bletchly stuff wasn't shying away from showing how crap essential women workers during the war were treated afterwards as well as the evil and corruption that exists within the high ranks of military and police, wrapped up with happy endings for the main characters, cool, not looking for anything too gritty or realistic, quite happy to see some bad guys getting exposed and caught while the women are safe, happy and together.

Took a while but found the old police man who sees and talks to dead people, detective stuff, neuro non typical behaviour, dead people talking, the same detective woman from the BBC thing but couldn't see any black and white branding or accompanying shitty half arsed dumbed down writing. Quirky humour. Ticking a good few of our boxes.

Also been doing what many people do when they have easy access to windows when they haven't for a while, play solitare. Bloody ads know though. Pfft.

Wondering maybe part of why the pain has been so shitty is because we have been trying to not use as much electricity so no magnesium baths. Worth a go tomorrow. Must, must do at least some house work though. Doing our best to not get too upset at being inside, in stupid pain and upset when its a nice day. There will more better days with less pain and its supposed to rain heavy tomorrow so nothing is going to be to dry for too long.

Napped twice today because we couldn't not after staying up to read and try and avoid pain previous nights. Damn tired still though.

June 22, 2019

wow

An actual keyboard, being able to see sentences whole paragraphs even at a time. How wonderful.

Beautiful evening but pain levels at fuck this I hate you all and wish you were dead levels most of the day has us pretty reluctant to attempt walking. Getting annoyed at how much we need to tidy our room but cant/wont. Wont take long, maybe get a bit done tonight and the rest tomorrow. Maybe.

Eon wont let us change supplier probably because we have so much debt with them. Didn't put ourself through menus, bots, queuing, on hold, very unhelpful human, followed by jumping out of our skin when the automated txt asks us how we would rate them. Slow clap Eon for making the lives of anxious and ill people even harder which of course makes it harder for anxious and ill people to pay you.

So glad to have a touch screen and a keyboard and enough memory to have more than one object finding game installed. So far anyway. Stupid windows 10.

Watered the rose today after the need for backy forced us out of our jammy bottoms and into a bra and tshirt. Figured we could try and do something. Keeping everything damp by trotting down up and down the stairs to fill a watering can really sucks and just isn't always possible. Lots of buds on the rose though and some are about to open. Spotting several kinds of aphids though little bastards and have been squishing as many as we find.

...

Pain still too horrible Just want to cry, kick, scream, break stuff, rip the limbs of horrible people. The longer it continues the more annihilated we feel. Just don't get a chance to build up any stamina, improve our activity levels so our muscles, lungs, our everything gets stronger..

Even the curry for tea hasn't got us feeling like we can do stuff. Smoking a roll up on the back steps staring at the shorts and tshirt on the line that Pablo missed like it they were Everest. He's been really good today, watering, saying lovely things, he offered to cut the chicken so I folded the laundry makes so much difference just getting a little bit of help, him offering or not arguing when asked is so different to having to force him to do stuff.

Don't know if its just a fantasy but been feeling you around a bit. The book we are reading reminding us of the late ninties. Have started gathering materials for a project that should help. Hate that everything takes so long. HH

We fed us. Much more important than the plants. Birds are going nuts and squabbling over the ultimate fat balls we got for them. Quite entertaining. Found a ladybird on the window sill we thought was dead but then it started moving. Put it outside after almost drowning it in sugar water. It was still there when we came in so don't have much hope for it but glad we tried.

Brain is definitely liking having a keyboard, it feels mature, wiser. Need to stay away from Amazon as the DLA went in two days after the UC but was so weepy we couldn't stay away. We needed another tablet bed table to replace the busted one and order dude a cool tshirt. No more though so we don't end up not being able to buy even basic essentials. Things are hard and miserable enough as it is.

Love you.



June 19, 2019

Wheeze

Doing okay with taking the antidepressant and the pill but using the inhaler has gone to shit. Not clever especially when been varying nicotine sources. Weather looks great for tomorrow which is a relief as bucketing rain and a new psych to endure would be too much. At least its not too far.
..

Wasnt too nervous the night before to sleepy and had a fair bit wine but this morning. Ug. Not full on, “I cant do this bad” more like “I really really dont want to.” Glad really that the actual doctor wasnt there so spent an hour with the CPN giving a detailed as possible, leaving out remembering another mother, trying not to automatically churn out easier than truth bullshit, oh god but if I’m totally wrong about absolutely everything history.

She was good. Professional. Non judgmental and compassionate. A bit shocked about the involvement of so many authorities and positions of trust with children but wasnt scoffing or saying it was impossible. Like other CPNs she wasn’t too keen on people being labelled with personality disorders with any any recognition of abuse, trauma and its longterm effects.

Exhausted after though. Probably would of helped if I had got some soup from somewhere instead of just a latte and a salted caramel filled donut that partly went all over my tshirt. Dont think there is going to be any plant watering and feeding, grass cutting today. Way to tired, sore, weepy, little.

Found a hippy store after the appointment, do love a hippy stores. Got some incense and a couple of things.Was going to get a sun catcher but was put of by the crazy tourist prices.

..

Had started reading Daughter of Smoke and Bone we got for Pablo at Christmas. Enjoying it, the girl has an unsharable, unbelievable life and gets tired and sick of all the lying that’s necessary if she is ever to have a conversation with anyone outside of it, she tells the truth sometimes but with a wry smile so its interpreted as a joke. We empathised with that. It just crosses lines in parts where we start to feel encroached, stolen from and erased but then it or us pulls back and we can enjoy it again.

The reading, the appointment today have us thinking that maybe we could find or create a beginning, a middle and an end to all this, that we could allow ourself to embellish, to leave out, to simplify, to guess if it helps. With these thoughts and the gladness over knowing we will have something to type on and find our hidden objects soon we tried sleeping. But not for long. Our knicker elastic was digging in and started to really bother us.

Secondary school, start of the first year, arms scar free. Sitting at the big wooden work benches arranged so kids are in groups of three or four. Glad to be in a room that is lined with tools and machines and feels so unclassroom like. There had been flutters, followed by blasts of anxiety, denial and amnesia but this was stronger than a flutter, it was a turning, a stretching and in went on for too long to just ignore. In all the internal turmoil, contradictions there was one clear and articulated thought,

“Where the fuck have I been?”

In the following weeks and months as the movement and our responding to it just became normal, often the only thing articulated was pleading,

“Please don’t make me feel happy. Dont make me feel alive.”

Until we couldn’t fight anymore and gave in to it deciding we would fight and feel alive and happy as much as possible and not be so easily pushed into not being there as that would be the only way we would ever be happier, be safer or even notice if there was a chance of real life. Me and the baby were completely and certainly doomed if we stayed under and very probably if we didn’t we realised sitting on the stairs in Skene. If the worsts happened we would end up under again anyway just as was planned but it felt so absolutely worse a go. We were standing near that same spot the first time we answered back to a handler, my god the look on his face as everything he was so confident in fell away annihilated by one or two words, the body language and the direct look from a pregnant twelve year old, surrounded  and isolated. We pitied him but knew it would be best to not show him how much just yet. The real plans and expectations were not his and we figured he would get those directly above him soon enough but it would probably best if we had as much time as possible for that.

We found out quickly though that for many of the rungs above him all we needed to do was be there and we could do so much, it shocked us how much we could avoid, trick or fight off. Not everything for ever though of course as she isnt here.


June 17, 2019

To hear, see and feel as words with so much awareness and understanding come from someone so little was astounding. We couldn’t help wondering what she would be like who she could be if we were somewhere else, some other time but she wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t exist if that was true. I hated the strong false sense that she wasn’t biologically mine that had been tortured, traumed forced into me. She knew. She told me to stop fighting it because she knew I loved her anyway and when I agreed and held we felt it all fall away. How could I have forgotten that its the fighting and the resisting of some kinds of programming and personality erasing that gave it lots of its power.

We couldn’t not know now or then that it didn’t have to be like this. Her death and all others hells we’ve been through happened because people choose that for us and choose to fight against anything and anyone who would have changed things.

It doesn’t go away but you learn to live with it, it can even become a strength. The creepy French Netflix series we have gotten into had lines like that in it. It hurts so much though and makes feeling the benefit of any strength so superficial and fleeting.

Pablo agree to more game selling so we ate and I didn’t have to go through anymore nicotine withdrawal. Getting a bit better at helping him shave, tricky though he has some my general hairiness it’s difficult to know where to stop. His side burns are closer to the same length though. He says he wont shave at all when he can. Not sure I will be able to let him go through the whole summer holidays without at least cutting some of it back.

In times of an income thats more manageable now. It went in at midnight so bills have already been paid. Not looking forward to phoning eon tomorrow to work out payment plan. Have already arranged to switch supplier though. The last guy I spoke to suggested a £200 a month direct debit.. thats not going work.

Doing stuff we couldn’t for the last fortnight because of no money will be nice and distracting tomorrow, pain still bad but not 24 hours a day bad. Little bits and pieces are getting done.


June 15, 2019

Mia

Must of a bank holiday we werent aware of those times the money came was in early.. Should be the last time things are not much food, no baccy bad though. Not helping our June mood or the sense and flashes of how, when and whose death it was that turned June from regular enslaved awfulness to something even worse. It was little Mia wasnt it? We thought we got her away to somewhere safer but they brought her back. I was so sorry I tried to get her to somewhere safe we could of had that time together. The way she looked at me told me that.

Theres no comfort in any kind of that “but now shes safe with you” shit even if the slaver police women that were around before and after hadnt said it. All this anger has to go somewhere. All the horrific injustice against little kids and their already traumatised, isolated and uncared for teenage moms cant just be allowed to be.

Hate this fucking planet. So fucking much. Theres nothing humane left in these peoples, if there ever was any to begin with. They are machines not conscious living beings.


June 12, 2019

November in June

Very much enjoyed yesterday’s bolognese even if we did have to go for the cheaper mince. Stuck the left overs in the freezer before Pablo had time to help him self to seconds or thirds so there is a decent amount left for a meal on another day. Bought some fuck it wine to help with pain and what pain does to us.

Mirroring the weather a fair bit today, definitely going to invest in a heater at some point, storage heaters are utterly useless if it suddenly gets cold. I fucking hate the cold, makes us even less likely to do anything. Did put a cover on the spare duvet so we could lie between them. Very comfy, couldn’t help slide into sleep after taking pain killers because its been really bad, even worse when we woke up. Toilets not for purpose dreams are back and a really uncomfortable very strong desire to masterbate in them to but we cant find any privacy and if we do succeed in achieving in the dream its very painful and we always wake up in a lot of pain, zero arousal, libido or interest ever having any and a “i dont think that was our vagina” uneasyness.

Been looking at cheap laptops and trying to decide if we should get one asap or do the sensible thing and wait a bit, at least until after we have worked out a payment plan for the electric. Need to set up a direct debt for the broadband to so they will stop calling and giving me a horrible fright. If it was a person we would explain this but it’s usually automated like with eon. Think its pretty shitty getting robots to harass people whose payments are late. Robovoices dont make for good customer service ever but they are cheap and dont need time off or any other kind of rights.

Speaking of which watched “ I am mother” with Pablo last night. He said he quite liked it, he couldn’t not see the droid as having real feelings even after it was exposed as incinerating previous kids who didnt get good enough exam results. I thought it was pretty awful and not nearly has entertaining or intriguing as the trailer. It was pretty creepy when it ran but other times we couldn’t help thinking we found the robot from the original Lost in Space series more convincing, the awful cheap satnav “female” voice really bugged, as did all the answered questions, like how the fuck did the kid learn how to smile, what was the point of it all, where did the dog come from and where did it go, what was the point of the scene where the mombot gets the girl to shoot her after stating it was just a vehicle like the rest of the drones, were the kids actually being bred to have high practical skills whilst also being gullible idoits who dont understand anything about computers. Guess that would make some kind of sense, does the kid actually think mombot is gone or that she can handle her as well as however many babies she decides to gestate, over twenty four hours (?!) the bleak as fuck ending. It was all a bit half arsed when it could of been so much more.

Finished the Durelles now to. :( Jolly decent finale, sniff..



June 11, 2019

Hallelujah. Praise Be.

Found a £1 coin in the washing machine. Together with the change left in my purse and some silver in Pabs jar it added up to £2. We got bagels, noodles and biscuits. Had melted cheese on toast with leftover bread so no going to bed hungry.

Dont know if we would of managed much activity if it wasnt for an appointment at the school. It went fine and we took a slightly longer walk home. Hate how hard it is to motivate ourself after days of being really sore and/or depressed not sure we would of gotten anything at all done if we didn’t have that appointment that we knew would be short and go fine.

A couple of necessary calls done when we got back, as well as another load of washing out and a dry one in. Stroll down to shop and back admiring the greenery, smiling and being smiled back at. Post poo pain levels brought us down hard hard though. Back being amused, charmed and jealous of the Durelles at least its set in the 1930s helps curb the envy though, knowing what happened next.

Knowing the weather forecast for next few days eventually got us to do some plant feeding but I think all the trips up and down the stairs with a watering can has probably contributed to our mood this now. Like the barrier between our consciousness and past horror is as strong and thick as wet paper and we are completely unprepared to cope with the traumas on the other side and can make no sense of them or process them in any way.

Couldn’t find the plant bug killer though. Will probably be best just pulling out the pansy in the pot out the front its so fucking infested with something. Put one of the fairies out to. She looks very at home and that made us feel more at home to.

Its very shit only having one casual distraction game to lean on and no money to make keeping playing possible. Blogging from a phone is rubbish to but better than nothing, dont feel remotely tempted by colouring or reading. Have really gotten into that archeology magazine though, there is still plenty of online articles from back issues to read.

Spag bol tomorrow i think, without wine.. already salivating at the thought of red meat. It could be Monday before we will be tasting vino again praying it goes in early on Friday. Would make for an entirely different weekend. So relieved the desperate money situation is going to ease. Get all emotional when we think about. Still got that crazy electric bill to deal with but direct debits are more possible now.

Almost midnight! That means freebies from the game enough to keep us going for at least three or four whole minutes! Stupid game and its stupid rare fixers.

June 09, 2019

Try and stretch now and again

Just fucking frustrated today with the pain, the lack of motivation, the absence of any relief or respite.   Its not raining today but quite windy at least we got a wash out and was given a young hollyhock to plant out while out there. I do envy the energy levels, house and garden pride of the retired. They never stop. One of was saying how tiring it was to have to move her bed to hoover and clean underneath it while always saying she needed to get the pressure washer out to clean her spotless concrete, the guy who gave me the hollyhock was putting lino in his new shed and sealing it, hes been working on it pretty much non stop for days.

We try not to self shame but its hard to resist when the pain is making sure we cant stay distracted for long. Gonna feed some flowers later and eat something, make sure Pablo knows where his clean uniform is and probably not much else. Have started colouring again. Looking forward to replacing the watercolour pens that we wouldn’t get back from a cow in the hospital.

Sometimes we have moments when we can appreciate how far we have come, remembering how it felt to live under the same roof as Bill Johnston, to be around Lynne and Deek, to try and have a conversation with Margo and watch them all kick Laura when she was down for year after year believing she had no options beyond drinking herself to death, while her son threatened her with violence for it, to have to ask Niall for help, to sit silently and watch any of them around babies and children, to hear the horribleness and survive the attacks from the community and authorities and associates in Fife, in Dundee, in Aberdeenshire, in Glasgow knowing that for all the awfulness that was out in the open that shocked and disgusted us when we remembered nothing else there was way much more going on, so much that we were put through that was so much worse.

We did always say though that by the time we got some distance between us and them we would be to exhausted, to psychologically and physically damaged and too old to change habits and patterns forced on us. Hate the feeling of lost time, time that could of been used to feel safer and comfortable which in itself would would help us rearrange and nurture our frozen mind.

Should be enough energy to get that last five theatre glasses that will win me a prize, probably mostly useless though. Another donated fag first. Crazy handy the fags been given to us by a neighbor as another neighbour is taking them off her husband because he’s forgotten he doesn’t smoke anymore. She said he got up early one morning all stressed about being late for school, hes in his seventies, altzimers a bitch. Means Tuesdays child benefit can just be spent on food and much cheaper essentials than like bog roll and pads instead of baccy.

...

No go on the plant feeding. Did manage to shower and play cards with junior though. He’s into writing and illustrating his own fantasy stories, started using a paint app on his computer. Crazy imaginative and huge relief to know hes doing something other than gaming and tubing.

Hope we are more productive tomorrow. Would be great to sort room out, organise drawers, screw in the hook so we can hang the mini hanging basket. Hoover, go for a walk.. have a choice of things to eat and smoke and drink, sit on the beach in the evening talking to someone who knows a bit about who I am, what ive been through and what’s actually going on.. ah well.. the prizes from the game werent as useless as I thought they would be and really close to levelling up and there is a £1 in the bank i could use to get bog roll so we dont have to wait until Tuesday!

June 08, 2019

Gelato

Not very impressed by Katie Ford, preferred the Sophie Kinsella we got from a neighbour, think if one more character is described as “attractive” I may start ripping out the pages, chewing them up and spitting them out. Would be much more interesting if more time was spent describing working on the long boats and giving characters some kind of depth we would enjoy it much more. Dont know if we will go back to it know as she has had sex with a bloke when suffering from nervous exhaustion and im not remotely interested in romance and the humour is just too weak to keep us going back. Was given another by the same author that looks like it might be even worse. Everything always goes so well all the time and any issue is instantly resolved with no real exploration of how learning curves tend to actually feel when your going through them. Yuck.

Its been really bad today, not pain as its eased a bit, not hunger as we sold a couple more games but the need for weed. Probably partly triggered by being woke up this morning before 9 am after an unpleasant excruciatingly night by a text  from an unknown person offering “dyno supers weet 10 a gram” their typos not ours. If its so good then why are we being txted about it? Maybe just someone who would intoxicated and in need of cash at 9am on a Saturday fucking morning, going through their phone. As it could only be from Fife its kinda suspicious too though because we are not completely ignorant of how much we are talked about so it would be known we have left, no one was ever straight with us and there was always ridiculous nasty bullshit going on. Have resisted the vague curiosity to find out which specific ridiculous nasty bullshitter it was.

Are quite likely to be getting a little tipsy when the money comes in, then feeling a mixture or morbid anger and depressed loneliness and regretting it. We keep telling ourself though that the weedlessness wont be forever its felt like it would be in the past to but wasnt. Just gotta keep on clinging on.

June 07, 2019

Limited Capabilities

Tears yesterday over pain levels, today pain not quite so bad but still tears this time because we heard back from universal credit, no more sick notes, more money and no request for a face to face assessment.

We just need to hang on for another week or so. Yesterday we decided not to put ourself through nicotine withdrawal again so had to sell games for food. Had so sell a couple last week to for ingredients for his cooking class. He came home with a pretty tasty curry. Very cool. He doesn’t know yet about the games that we didn’t get very much for but does know its going to get a bit easier soon. Such a relief, more fresh food! Less cash related anxiety, misery and subterranean self esteem. Pishing Eon and their shitty customer service and price hikes will get paid just not all at once of course. We are not getting that much of an increase. Have been forcing ourself to use the tumble drier less because of it though even with the stupid pain. Not tomorrow though its forecast to rain all day so no need to water.

Would of been good of course if we could of sorted this out back in January but we couldn’t. Coz we are not well and just organised a flit alone.

Just to make sure we feel entitled to it pain levels have stayed fucking stupid. Stingy, burny. Got a bit done on Thursday mostly in the garden. Grass tidied up, repoting, feeded the front was hoping to tidy our room today but managed very little. What we have succeeded in doing this week is burning through Netflix leaving us in need of another season. Binged on the new series of Good Girls and Happy. Both effective distractions. Happy, though its fairly a bit of everything. We didnt know we could stomach it but like the first series any scene that has us thinking fuck this and its scenes of a sexual nature and its theme of one big rape joke is followed by something we are so glad to see, so relieved, so amused by. Suspect it has some writers that are truly zeitgeist understanding, intelligent, socially passionate creative geniuses and some hate filled pervs we could happily dispatch. We maybe said that last time though.

Watched some adaptation Alias something about a 19th century Irish immigrant to Canada with an abusive father who ends up being charged with two counts of murder and a shrink who wants to figure her out. So we seem to be handling supernatural DID telly a lot better. There was a WWI film we got through to, Journeys End. Effective portrayal of the pointless and massive human loss of the trench war fare.

Saw a couple of episodes of Historical Roasts that gave us a chuckle, especially Harriet Tubman.

Family next door have been tidying their front patch but the tiny little kid has gone in because just learned to speak chatty cute voice makes us feel weepy. Hope there is enough energy in the one hidden object game we have going on Pablo’s tablet to level up. Game has been being a prick for not giving us anything we need.






June 02, 2019

June, early days

Attempted to sell both of Pabs DSs today but one has lost its thumb grip and cant get past whatever parental settings we put on the other, did get over a 10 for a couple of games though so he got a an ice cream and we got our favourite chocolate biscuits as well some of the ingredients for his cooking class.

Thought we better check to see if we could still log on the universal credit without the tablet and didn’t even have to look in the jotter where our log in details are. Read something interesting about people who are receiving cash for severe disability can not apply for universal credit..

We were indeed getting the extra 30 a week added to our ESA because of severe disability and had been since we were hospitalised. Is it a new thing? Did we just miss it because we struggle to take information in particularly when stressed? Of course no one told us but its not like we were able to ask for help.

Slugs are annihilating the livingstone daisies. Started going out in the evening to pick them off. Very different pests here instead of giant slugs and my hundreds of big snails there is lots of tiny little black slugs doing the worst and of the damage.

Not quite as anxious and upset about the £1000 electric bill for six months in small flat probably because we haven’t tried to phone eon about it again just to be on hold, be told there isnt anything they can do, be asked questions we dont know the answers to and be put through to the wrong department.

Midwife got us wanting to quit smoking again, bloke stinking the street up with seriously pungent weed has us deeply resentful and bitter.

Junior is helping out with housework more. So extremely helpful.