December 15, 2014

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotional view of it all, so grounded. Its understandable that others might feel she is too unaffected or cold but she was a bit like that anyway and it rooted her through all the horrors in ways that the rest of us cant begin to imagine.  She is aware of being in a system and rarely engages I guess in a human chatty way with other parts, if she is out she is out.  When she isn't, she watches and not in a cold way, its a humane and rationale way.  There were times when even she looked away.She was capable of being hurt just as much as any of 'us' when she is present she just isn't retraumatised by the recall because she experiences so much in the here and now, matter of fact way. She is acutely aware of her responsibilities to others internally but doesn't waste any energy torturing herself by worrying about things that she has no power over. She isn't vulnerable to grooming and emotional manipulation like some of us were. She is technically minded thats all. She isnt interested stories and art, just the truth.

Spent some time trying to think of a name for her. Got no where..Not ready for all that. They are not needed for internal communication anyway its only talking to outside people that they start to become an issue.

The last fat blim before we are out.. made mocha added an amount of brandy more you sized.. Something you wouldn't respect however is the pusses when they arrive. LOL! Going get every ready for them before getting them over. We are really looking forward to it the extra DLA has meant we can stock up on food, litter, toys and beds for them. Don't want pusses if we cant spoil them. Will be so good for the bairns. Who are fine. Gracie forgive us a little each time for being alive and not being a useless cunt like her dad ever time we let big little man stay over. We need the time, more of it to get house sorted and to begin to heal self. Unlike mother. She was be able to talking about getting back to 'normal' hours after a close family death.

Its been hard work, emotionally going through all your stuff, really, really crippling. Mum would be no use anyway she just chucks everything out without really looking at what she is doing, not processing anything.  The truthness around means there is too much rape and rape torture memories to want anything to do with dad, Lynne is a fucking bitch and your son is well, up their with them..


December 04, 2014


Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

Sleepy now, took a second Gabapentin.

Hate mother, she takes kids to Santa's grotto, encourages belief in all that but will talk about buying stocking fillers in front of them. Like they are not there.

.. that was last night before the 2nd Gabapentin of the evening knocked us out. Felt horrid this morning and all day. Did a whole three minutes of sanding before having to gave in to cry. So horrible to think of people allowing and assisting what people did to us over all those years.  We keeping feeling, seeing the same moment over and over. Face down and naked on a bed in my room, the Dream Team trying to get me to relax.  The young girl from the 'Mummy' post was quite possibly one of there's.  Maybe we are about to go through a patch of getting details about the ten - twenty years of being the Dream Teams' gimp and source of income.  There is a lot there we haven't begun to process. There is always a will to get work done to get to a place where there is so much less terror about it all. Think it would test our therapist a bit, not that we dont think she has the reserves, the skills and the experience just that she is a human being who cares about us.

Lost so many people who care about us because it all. People who were manipulated into believing things that weren't true that in turn meant things happening to us or us being left in isolated when there could of been some contact, parts being created or broken up that wouldnt of been if someone who cared about us had said hello. No matter how much we understood and understand, we just couldnt forgive. Dont know if we could forgive them now they are not asking.

Keep thinking about how calls for help so often just advertised ourselves and what was going on to offenders and 'business' people while anyone that wasnt just looked away and blocked there ears and kept their eyes shut even tighter.

It's such a shitty world, for so many.

Patches like this they are flip side to bliss out days which we will have again soon, real soon.

December 01, 2014


Fabulous Gabapentin not so fabulous today. Pain pretty bad. Well it is the first of December and yesterday was St Andrews day.  Someone posted something about the St Andrews cross looking painful we just scrolled on, wishing we answered 'yes we can confirm that' or blocked them.

No work on statement tonight not after last night which pretty much forced ourselves into it and then dissociated, in a 'shit where are we and where were we before that' it didnt last too long we have a just below the surface part that finds that shit amusing because it challenges the sense that we are just weak, lazy and making it up.  It creeps some of us out but it also helps avoid anxiety which is kind of a life saver.  Inquiry have said they have said they are going to send on the details of the support. What a laugh that will be.

Verbalising today. 'Mummy' Seeing the murder of young girl. When I had one bed on one side of the room and another, think that makes us about 14/15 in 79 years. She is about 2 or 3. She looks at me and says mummy, over and over as the men rape her against the South side bed while I am on mine on the North. We are not in total shock, we have seen acts likes this before and know it. Think there is three of them, white blokes, Scottish organised crime but the other two, rich fathers? media careers? music industry.. Can't say.   Doesnt make it less horrible when you are familiar with it just doenst cause the same level of dissociation. One of the blocks says to her 'keep saying that.' She does. 'Mummy, Mummy' Not like she was begging for my help, just reaching for a connection in hell, see me, remember me, love me. They obscure my view of her face for a bit and she isnt saying anything then her body starts to shake and jerk and I know she is dead.

The bloke who told her to keep saying 'mummy' zips up his trousers and says some stuff. I don't listen I never did. Instructions and threats probably. It's just a job to him but his pride in completing it was obvious, the other two were younger and had a look of relishing it like it wasnt a job as much as a leisure activity like they choose to be there.

After remembering that we saw the bottle feeding, sitting on my bed in the same place in the room, smiles, hugs and lullabys. They like to make sure I had bonded with victims before the killing. Tried and tested technique if you are determined to survive by staying human.

Think we have posted this before but maybe it was a draft or handwritten scribbles.  What does it matter, the killers are dead or protected. The bones crushed, limed, sunk, incinerated.  Or kept in places, no will be looking anytime soon.

I couldnt even get my dad to lock the doors, not that it would matter, him or my mum, sisters, of whoever would just let them in anyway.

November 30, 2014

Goddam Press

Not wanting to cut. Just weepy so we are here with Pinky Pie and a duvet more House on Netflix colouring books on standby.

Works doesnt it? The talk of children's toys and colouring. Childlike behaviours means we can't be trusted and makes you feel a bit ichy. Good old fashioned 'otherness', adult rational, child irrational.

Obviously not in a place where headlines bring relief, a sense of light being spread on the darkest corners of our society. Just triggered. A well planned beam putting whats outside that directed glare even further into no where land, a pitch blackness as thick as soup. More mentions of Exaro on our timeline, another unfollow.

Buckingham palace, the possible murder of a Scottish bloke stuff like that doesn't just 'come out', there is total control in the media over anything vaguely relating to Royals and the high level white abuser networks. Stories are timed for release, worded to cause anxiety and hopelessness in victims and survivors.  Sources and publishers carefully selected, money assigned, careers arranged. All this as far as we are concerned was negotiated between the big players and their pets back in 2000/2001 and decades of meetings and power struggles before. Lots of programming to keep everyone in line with little chance of even seeing possible alternative directions never mind actually coming of the rails. Lots of torture for us to make sure the stuff in the press doesn't cause us to get in touch with parts that can really talk, with better or total recall or can contact outside people that would make us feel better, stronger.  When this is in the papers, these parts will follow these orders - making sure we remember nothing that results in useful disclosers just flashes of building fa├žades, corridors, agony and hopelessness. Triggering terror, weakness and that creepy dei ja vu.

We worry about suicides with every headline and what is all ready and waiting for people who come forward without the rhino skin of of having done so before.  There is still little if any genuine support or challenging of the apparatus of corrupt police, charities, mental health workers and the general heartless ignorance that keeps survivors down. People are being triggered and asked to come forward, needing to believe its true when they hear its different now, that they will be taken seriously that there is appropriate support available and there will results. If your name isn't on list to be used as an example of how things are different, or if you didnt make a deal with them then you will be let down same as always.

 Its a dangerous time but its during the dangerous times that there is really any chance of getting off script of something unplanned by the top ring happening, something that cant be managed, something real.  We said and thought all this after the Savile story broke but nothing changed as far as we can see, doesn't make it any less true now.

Good luck, keep breathing and I love you humans with humanity.

On  more positive note, thanks to the Gabapentin the curtains are finally up! Ta dah! And the mirror also made of mess of putting up the hooks for the backdoor but not to worry will sort it out when we decorate the kitchen. Gabapentin not quite enough to stop the need for weed though. Only weed does that.

November 28, 2014

Lego Captain Jack (rotten, rotten through)

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.

 We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came back and he said they would wait until after I'd finished decorating to come back. So we are thinking he must of come back upstairs after talking to my dad and he went back to work because we remember him saying 'thought you said you would kill me if I came back'. Before he picked up the CICA application that was on the windowsill and threatened my sisters and then my life when that didnt get much of a response and told us not to talk to the Jersey Inquiry.

We thought they had gone and the 'hey we survive anything' part that doesn't feel pain was forward, practically bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen then stopped dead when we saw Conrad. We stood firm and told him to get out.  He picked up the lego man where my dad had put back on the kitchen work top where we had placed it originally before it all happened, we had found it and knew our neice was keen to have him back. No wonder, it was lego captain jack.  Conrad said he was taking the lego guy think he said something about why he was taking it not sure, we weren't hearing, didnt process his abuser talk beyond the word 'you'. We would be triggered by its absence so we guess thats why he or they rather deciding to take it. The rest of them must of been hiding out the back.

When dad got in from work he asked if we were OK. What could we say, except 'fine', he did the same during the days after and hugged us.

 My niece kept asking where her lego man was in the weeks after. We were amnesiac, but amnesia doesn't always stop anxiety, depression and pain. We felt guilty like it was our fault the lego guy was gone, because of this blog. The pain, our mood in the months after was predictably awful but the CICA got posted as long term readers will know and we did speak to the Jersey inquiry. Parts keep wondering if they were involved in Laura's death three days after speaking to inquiry. There is a few unanswered questions about the night she died but that doesn't necessary mean anything. Like one of the CID women said they might have given her a bit of a push but its not like we haven't been expecting it the way she drank and then stopped often without help. Me and Laura had even discussed her death no one else in the family did and apparently she did disclose something to the police one of the times she was picked up but they didnt say what other than she wanted me to have the kids.

On the night of Laura's death we were talking about my family and my history with the police and told one guy to ask dad about the lego captain Jack once he got in from the pub, to see if that got a reaction.  Hours later the guy asked us 'What did happen to the lego captain Jack? It got a response but no answer' so we told them. We had already told them that the last times we were raped was 2009 & 2010 and told them about this blog. But maybe the time on the stairs and the hammer was 2008. Not sure but it could be worked out, recalled if needed.

Would be pretty awful if we have the wrong guys in all this wouldn't it?  Whenever we wonder that we remember how triggered we were by seeing Ian McFayden on our TL and they way he responded when we ignored the triggers and @ him, just like the way we were when DMing and emailing with Conrad. Its their faces, they bring up a whole heap of horror, different parts pointing to the same cunts.

CID said they would be back, I think we discussed in about six months time at the wake. Usual though, dad isnt going to ID them and we have DID and a history of whatever they fancy to make us an unreliable witness and we would have a lot of powerful people and organisations with a lot of real sick fucks on the pay roll.

Yea we do feel a little bit better now.

November 26, 2014

No one is free unless everyone is.

No one is free unless everyone is.

Then why watch the porn when you dont know or care how it was made. What happened to children to put them on paths that gratify you when their hairy bits eventually grew in to be shaved off again.  How the directors and producers pressure, blackmail, drug and steal to get whatever they want.  How they started us very, very early, telling us 'this is what your for, someone has to do it.' You like to watch strangers have sex, everyone does it, its an evolutionary thing,  for all you know they do get pain and are allowed to say no just like your boss takes no for an answer so what's the problem?

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you dont care that your anonymous masks trigger people who were hurt most by the systems, organisations and individuals you claim your fighting, people that have a lot of insider experience and knowledge about those systems and individuals. Your camaraderie means way more than us being raped by  people wearing the masks long before of you were called march in your millions in them to intimidate the people that put me and the rapists and those masks in that bar at that time with those orders.

The people you know are your friends you trust them you know them of course they mean more than a victim like me who you dont know and is isolated from ever knowing anyone enough to trust them enough to tell them what we went through and whats going on now. You trust who you trust so cant take us seriously when we say that there are many you cant trust and there were representatives of state and corporations present at anons inceptions and drive many of its aims and activities and always will and there is tech around you cant image. But good luck with it all anyway.

No one is free unless everyone is

You want to challenge child sexual abuse but if a victim says your sources, your allies, the public figures you want to lead this fight who are in a position to raise awareness to get something done have made deals with traffickers, have committed horrific attacks as adults have consensually signed the secrets act have handlers you would rather believe them than us. Because they have reputations, public reputations. You say you understand that abusers come from all walks of life, not just Tories and creepy DJs not just men that they put themselves in position that put them above suspicion but cant tolerate an accusation against someone you like or just happen to know.

You know the press is propaganda, that its controlled that its heavily censored one way or another that the BBC is run by military intelligence and full of sex offenders but maybe not that those offenders were trained in rape, child abuse, murder and mind control and and we dont mean by saying things that aren't true on TV and radio but real mind control the kind involving torture and extreme trauma but no amount of us saying so will stop the BBC from being RTed into our timeline or will stop you watching Newsnight or Mock the Week or going on the Newsnight or Mock the Week or taking BBC contracts.

No one is free unless everyone is.

You know horrific things happen to people that are invisible, by people who arnt and people who are and they are protected by skilled and powerful apparatus and the prejudices of the general public and that the police and press are corrupt but still you take nothing seriously without evidence but evidence is impossible to find or provide if people like me are not taking seriously when the press and police are corrupt and inept.  How can you look in the eyes or read the words of a 12 year that has been raped uncountable times and whoes baby she bonded with inutero because the baby was innocent and would love her and would loved to be loved by her mother and found a world that was good and the opposite of everything she knew in the eyes of baby Rosa and her siblings in the moments they had alone after birth and between the attacks because she was strong and just kept breathing before eventually the abuse was fatal and it all happened in her bedroom and her parents told her to go to school the day after and then say 'prove it' and believe that you are not also an abuser.

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you care more about your privacy and 'wage' slavery than the actual slaves that make your entertainment and whose invisibility protects your world view. Easier to blame a state or Rotheschilds, Rockerfillers, Westminster, Zionists, Tories, the military industry, patriarchy, racism whatever than examine your own life choices and your own entitlement, to consider that most of your sources were written by slaves in rooms full of people typing what we were told between warehouse rape for your porn, between murders to fuel your theories between cooperate meetings because they use us to spy and cause our intelligence was useful and formidable.

Easier to blame a new world order than study history, study the history of Western cultures and the history of history to see there's nothing new about it expect the connectivity many of us know have gives us a chance to challenge it like never before. The 'New World Order' could us being heard, could be you being all you can could be us all shining light on everything hidden but cynicism is much less risky that breaking out of your tight little groups where you feel validated and safe and seeing you and your friends tastes, your likes and dislikes for what they are or what they might be. Easier to search the web to distract from your own desperation to continue to be anything above the bottom rung. At least your not me at least your not them.

We are not the 99% because we are not counted.

No one is free unless everyone is.

November 24, 2014

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids.  Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family.  There is some safety connected with it.  It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood.  That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice',  'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any.  Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer.  Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out.  Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)