October 15, 2018

hungry eyes

Haircut for the lad and check deposited today. Tomorrow we go house viewing and stay overnight which is quite exciting looking forward to the eye food we get just being somewhere else and from train and bus windows.. That hopefulness of being on the move. There is of course a pretty good chance we don't get any where that we view but we will know the areas a bit better and can start bidding on homehunt, never got round to applying for priority points, who likes retyping a bunch of uncomfortable shit after loosing it all the first time? No one.. It is possible to walk into the small spare room though.. We knew it was probably a good idea to keep all the huge Amazon and wood boxes. Got a quite a few of them.

Actually slept for most of the night last night.. Crashed out for a couple of hours after town to but still feel super duper knackered. Really hope we sleep tonight its gonna tough tomorrow anyway what with the travelling and the chatting child, Steven Universe today, lots of the time in town, the whole journey home (the half hour journey not the 10 min one) and continued on when we got in for about twenty minutes.. Would surely tire out a healthy non stressed person.. Bless him.

Mood goes up and down. So pissed of at the budget, the tiredness, the social, political and finacial gross injustice of being me for a while, later on so glad change is coming and confident we will sort out something and have the peace we never got here.

Gonna grab some Horlicks and play hidden objects for a bit. Bags half packed, train isn't too early. Got time to phone about a place that went up today. New stuff goes up all the time. That helps. We're organised as well as we can be..

October 13, 2018

exhausting being awake, exhausting being asleep

Was asleep before midnight! Woke up at half three needing a pee and didn’t get back to sleep again.. Docs appointment is on the list of shit we gotta do, our heart rate keeps us awake and progressive muscle relaxation isn’t helping enough. Hope they actually help with a reasonable drug at a reasonable dose and quantity. Sleep and less anxiety when awake could make so much difference over next few weeks, forgotten how it feels to get more than four hours sleep.

Glad we were motivated for a while to do a few things done. So glad this is happening now and not before when we were so ill we couldn’t cope, dread to think how it would of been handled and how much worse the pressure would of made us.

Not too worried about Frank and cos threats to follow us wherever we go, probably pretty empty but the size and the nature of the rings here is a factor in us needing to get as far away as we can. It will bound to get out though and we haven’t forgotten about Pabs teacher saying she knows Bill but that doesn’t mean they will get our address straight away. Likely to get out through police, business and council employees though. Its bugging to say the least to be talked about but not have anyone to talk to. Last I heard Bill is enjoying his retirement without serious housing, income, health, primary carer of young kids, lack of family support or harassment issues unlike Margo. Cant think too much about that it drives us nuts and even colder.

Fell back asleep, unavoidable we were useless. Dreams fucking awful, they did resolve themselves through lots of fighting and had happyish endings. Satanic gang that took over Laura's home, trying to carry it on when I lived there.. "Please dont cut me".. Wasn't holding back much on what "Satanic" involved lots of graphic details on that. It was pretty much the same dream twice and we remember waiting for lesbians who escaped and fought there way out the scene ending for some kind of resolution before we would wake up. Still feel all messed and shaken up by it though.

Best take it easy for now and not think about how the hell we are gonna manage house viewings. Guess if people could or would help us we wouldn't be in this position. It will be so worth it when its done.

October 12, 2018

cope, eat, hope

Was after 10 am before we got to sleep, the time we were intending on getting up to start emailing and phoning. Voice mail alert text message got us up after 2. Email box full of confirmations from housing associations and our reference number. Lost the priority application but we are registered and have at least one private let viewing and a train booked to get most of the way there, also found a check for almost £100 for over paid council tax on the door mat. So not bad for the day after receiving notice. Tired but hopeful. Glad its Friday tomorrow we can work on the priority points and this place. Be good to get a nights sleep. Not counting on it though.

Pubs, monsters, guns and falling corpses in our dreams. The falling corpses were the worst we got splattered a few times but not hurt. Blokes were throwing them down over us. We wasted the only round in a revolver some older guy gave us on a giant, then headed off somewhere. People were running round trying out different methods to deal with the monster zombie things and helping out survivor kids. Fishing nets worked the best was just annihilating the monsters, the kids got very skilled at turning them to mush really quickly with one swoosh of their nets. More normal dream/experience weirdness than a nightmare.

Lad is taking it all pretty well, as he does. He seemed quite excited at the possibility of a real fire. It won't be much fun trying to find somewhere for the cats if we can't take them, can't be racking myself with guilt over it though. Princess's hand holding and cuddles all night didn't help. No justice pusses. Wish it wasn't true but it is, we can only do what we can do.

October 11, 2018

..Oh no please don't force me out of Fife..

Pretty sure that's what was said back in Dundee when they threatened us with this, think the last post was a factor but our general refusal to take orders from rapists and not shut up about genocide is not gonna make us popular and they were running very low on meaningful threats. One calander month though... Wish we had started saving a little earlier then it would be easier. As would a driving license and a car.. And friends or family or real ID and bank accounts. Oh well, we need help motivating ourself and this is certainly that, not sure what the letter meant by "current climate" though it's maybe just something they say. Hope however buys it appreciates our fairy garden..

When we grabbed our nearest notebook to write down notes for houses it fell open on this, obviously written when we were still playing Happy Street and hadn't decided on the "z"..

No we can't make it all out or make sense of it all either, big part of why this blog exists we can't read our own hand writing and think faster and messier than we can write. Sweet but to have found a £1,000 or 2 in the notebook would of been a lot more useful and make it all a lot more possible, less exhausting, stressful. 

We ordered Xmas presents last night because the lad has back into the playmobile, which got dispatched today and couldn't be cancelled. Not usual for Amazon to be so quick of the mark. He wants a room just for playmobile, sounds great, wonderful but probably out of our budget. Don't know if there is much point in applying to housing associations since there is only a month but started applications anyways and lost part or all of said applications, internet forms are great espically on crappy tech. We might get an email with a number we didn't write down because we assumed it would be emailed..

Can't see how we can possibly view all the places we want to view on public transport and  taxis, gonna be a fortune before the deposit and the flit. As always, thanks Earth your a big help.

I know we talk all tough but it would make so much difference if there was someone to tell us “its gonna be okay. I will help.”  Worried about what the work, the travel, the stress and our on off self care will do to our health. Trying not to think about whatever trauma and war will be waiting for us wherever we end up. Definitely avoiding all the royal wedding crap that gets pushed as news. None of them have the figures over there heads like me and pabs do and none of them have ever had to do anything on their own and on a tight budget. None of them have been forced to work then left to be attacked and starved. We have constantly stated we hate it here though, constantly begged for contact, hugs and support to. Havent been given notice of any of that happening.

We might end up with a place we love, with lovely rural views and either way we will get that new home hopefulness that we couldn’t get here. 

October 10, 2018

..keep ticking..

Aye Niki soonds great stealin the philosophy an intellect of a those millions o murdured folks an keep buildin yir hooses an shops an eye sores o parliments on oor remains.. Am sure all those rich fascists across the globe will have nae probs with that since they used Scotland ti slaughter an annihilate all opposition an rely oan the breedin fur aw their authorities. Job done eh hen. Time for the pay off coz cunts that work wi an use vacunt Satanics an ancien progroms o slavery an torture an rape fur genocide an total control ovar evrythin are dead reliable like.. Yi goat fuck all frum us. Shame like just a wee sign o life an heart in yis an Scotland could o been mazing.

That house in Amsterdam that we, I or one of us or several of us couldn't get out of with our eggs in the basement had a front room that was used for hanging up and drying baby skins. Some aristocratic woman was being shown them and said she liked the black ones, it was then the puking in the cupboard happened. They heard but there heads were annihilated by their cultural practices so was easy to make them forget they heard anything. We eventually manage to bolt out the front door when a bunch of blokes came in to drop something off or pick something up. We overheard them saying something about us not getting far but we've been hiding from police and military and their helicopters since we were toddlers. We did indeed get far. Its a port in Europe after all and merchant sailors are easy intimated if they happen upon you asleep in a cornor somewhere. Still ended up back here though..

Interpol reckoned there was no need to take action over baby skins or anything else in that house.

October 06, 2018

hate migraines

Did read some complaints in the reviews of the sleep aid food supplement about people getting headaches after taking it and we have been warned about magnesium. Best absorbed through the skin that way you only get what you need. Was awful of course for hours but didn't lead to the full on voming. Second time we have had one after flea powdering a cat although we do wear a mask because of our crappy lungs. All achey, exhausted and of course weepy and longing for a carer/parent now though. Been a while since we have felt quite so homeless while in a home we only share with our son.

Goddam Oasis/Gallaghers in our dreams again, still didnt get us back in the tank oven thing, partly because me and sisters took those fucking things apart in the 90s. It was quite theraputic. Some track we can't remember played and that "I hear you loud and clear" one as well I think it was recorded but never released. Can't remember much about it beyond that line in the chorus and a line about subway stations that triggers British and American authorites and agents sponsoring terrorism all over, and that triggers us and other victims attempts to give information about attacks before they happen sometimes because we were forced to, sometimes because we thought it was the right thing to do and being ignored, told there is nothing that can be done or worse. Some agents murdered girls under the excuse that they were involved in terrorist activities when it was of course the agents themselves. Maybe Louise was one of them. We can't remember how she died. I think she saw the look in us when she asked for euthanasia. All it would take to die in the shit we are in is to just not fight quite so hard for one day.

"You hate the British."
"True but how the fuck does blowing up commuters help us? All that does is empower the Fascists in charge. You lot though. You get more powers when random chumps get blown up."

Hard to escape the knowledge and experience of the exceptional evil that is Western hegemony and the apparatuses that enforce it.

Noticed the deaths of a few eighties entertainment horror stories. Reminded us about asking Elaine to check if one of Chaz and Dave had died because we couldn't bring ourself to do it. Was gutted when we realised it was years in the future, that the hopelessness of human programming and predeterminism continues. Also noted a white police man who murdered a black kid was charged with murder. There will be many unhappy about that, not us though. Words like 'to little to late' just seem so redundant.

Saw the interpol dude went missing in China to.

Pabs forced me to watch Anthony on an ad to see it was him. We don't hate you. Good to see you are not straighting you hair so much. Fairly been all over the place over you recently. We did not have sex. That would be incest. We don't do incest that's the Fascists but the trauma related amnesia has been very thick and too dangerous to get beyond. Hope it's starting to settle now though and if we are right then we mean it, sing, sing all the fucking time and fuck it maybe contact isnt as impossible as it has always been. Either way hearing you makes us less lonely.

October 04, 2018

why do they have to spoil anything good about everthing?

The food supplement pills did seem to be helping our mood and quality of sleep, a little bit. We made soup in the last few days, been keeping the kitchen cleaner to and hoovering. Staying awake all day and keeping busy just isn't resetting our sleep pattern, we get a night of decent sleep but still can't keep our eyes open the next day, nap a bit then can't sleep at all. Getting some good chuckles from pintrest though. Drinking too much wine isn't helping but the first class or two does. But we won't be having any today. Feeling too yuck. Hate sending dude to school with a class teacher that didn't mind telling us or him that's she supports an abuser despite being asked not to, why would our opinion make a difference? Its of no consequence.. He sneezed and coughed a bit, that will do us start the autumn holidays early.

Feeling close to the horror and agony that Louise lived all those years and the horror and agony we were put through particularly in Dundee in the hope that if we were tortured enough we would give up on ourself and start being who they wanted Louise to be but she of course wasn't. Some connection to Fifty Cents and members of his crew. Music industry, so awful. A call to Sonny from Paul Simon telling him he was his dad and that he loved him and I didn't. Think we shared some of it over social media years ago. But yeah the authorities can be trusted to investigate anything or even somethings. When we managed to come round a bit Sonny said he didn't want to be called Sonny any more and we talked about nature names.

Memories of rural genocide, they covered a little kid petrol in a farmer's field that recently been harvested then set him alight then laughed and laughed and clapped and hooted as he ran around screaming until he dropped. But yeah everyone is doing everything they can about Frank and co, for the safety of all children because we live in countries that believe in truth, justice and protecting those values and the police arnt that bad..

It's all getting us quite achey. Haven't ordered more pain killers yet though or sorted out hair cuts for us both. Maybe tomorrow.

We hate it here.

October 01, 2018

hurry the fuck up

Didn't sleep as well as I hoped. Did get a good few hours during the actual night though. Woke up feeling as miserable as normal. No plans to jump out of bed and start cleaning or weeding or some shit. Its too bloody cold anyway. Probably a bit over tired, been struggyling to keep the fags down to every 2-3 hours so that adds to the yuckiness to. Addictions, depression and boredom a bloody pain espically as we felt a bit better straight away with the cutting back. But now we are sad and hopeless and pissed of again. Was good yesterday during the day though getting stuff done, being outside, eating well all without cannabis or cannabis cravings. Craving a lot this now though. Wish we could just take a couple of pills of something nice, smoke something great and feel all warm and lovely in bed for the day. Then get up and make food and parent.

He went off to school with scrambled eggs and toast in his belly this morning, like to give him protein in the mornings espically on Mondays in the hope we will be less likely to get the Pabs is sleepy come on get him call. A few times he has said that he told them he was fine just a bit to hot and hasn't had any problems staying awake at home. Bugs he is eleven not four or five, he'll come round.

Don't want to go back to sleep. Dont want to do anything. Will make a mocha, constantly peeing already anyway what with cups of tea and half a glass of orange juice. Really want to stress how much our bladder pisses us of and adds to our tiredness. Bad catheter infection as an infant I believe before mom rescued us. The best from the NHS is to test our urine for sugar and shrug. Don't want to go back to them, hate the anticipated for what awfulness will come out their mouths, there's no point in telling ourself we are not less than a second class citizen and that professionals are generally safe because its crap we are not a citizen and professionals are not safe.

Noticed September has ended.. Still here, justice still a sick joke. Politics, media, science, technology all still sick jokes. Still wading through other victims experiences and programming trying to find ourself just for location and lack of signs of life in anything and anyone we can access except our dissociated son to push us back.

Just gotta keep reminding ourself of everything we achieved even if it will always been denied by authorities and if friends and family can't get us out of here, then eventually we will.

September 30, 2018

American Tune

So much better today. Not saying much about why though. So much voting with action and inaction, with your words and silence, through the values reproduced and those rejected and disrespected, my family know who they are and we will see them soon. Got more brain back, that's a very good sign.

 The food supplement food aid arrived yesterday and we tried it last night a bit early considering how much we slept during the day but we got some night time sleep. Real sleep maybe even considering how we felt when we woke very early. We had breakfast, did dishes and gardening all in the a.m. Then had lunch and rested a little but that was tricky because of our extremely annoying and irritable water works, then did some more. Played with the lad for a while to.

Sunshine, crisp air outside was so good and better still to be in a condition to enjoy it. Autumn wonderfulness.

Tired now though.

Love you. 

September 27, 2018


Gonna have another ciggie. Its only been about an hour since the last one. The one before that was about 9 am but we slept all day so that doesn't exactly involve will power. Getting over the cold, much less fever and coughing, dishes got done yesterday and this morning, decreased the infestation on the cats, other bits and bobs getting done. Crazy good dreams recently to, so vivid and lucid. Aberdeen city centre but long before we were born, standing up for our self and others, waited in a hotel that had functioning toilets for a Dad to call he did, glorious wonderful war words. We were too excited to say anything but "yes". The views from the windows changed to be high up in New York at night. Stunning, other amazing views to.

Different in the couple of hours last night and today though.. Just want to cry. Tried to engage Pabs to see if that would help us he's being doing outdoor stuff at school and loves that stuff but when we tried to talk to him more he just rolled about on the floor and that kinda made us feel worse. Not sure if we were ever rolling about on the floor little. Just all the same needs with no sense of them ever being met, solid contact, Sonny, cannabis, distance from homes and humanoids built on and with horror.

Been checking the msm a bit, wee shouldn't we know because it will annihilate any hope we scrape together. Something about British clearing space junk, probably looking for a genocide tool they always forced us to be present when they contacted. Too much debris in the way.. The debris is the.. Oh never mind.. I was there to be hurt and subjected and intimated and traumatised not listened to.

Endless states pretending they have due process, legal systems, social and personal values. Arrests over human trafficking in Dunblane, not the police though probably some pricks that didn't follow police orders fast enough. The reasons and the steps involved stuff getting into the media are always unbelievably purtid and irrational.

Wish we were living in rubble, there is hope to rebuild then but with everything appearing to be standing strong there is no hope. Anything the living build will be destroyed and/or used to support all the evil, used as a weapon against anyone who can still care.

"Just because you can't see the rubble doesn't mean it isn't there." Think thats what we have been told.

September 26, 2018

one day we will not live constantly on the edge of tears..

Wasn't just the time of year that put us back there last night, it was the ventolin shakes to. Between the fever and the coughing we are glad we are less dissociated from our sisters at least and our work together. We've saved lives and brains all over and its good to be more in touch with that espically as being held and trapped here where there was never any real thinking feeling people left to save. We are maybe a little more hopeful.

Having our fourth roll up of the day, didn't wake up until about half two but still we gotta stop just smoking one after and another and not just until our lungs eventually clear either. Waiting a few hours means you actually get some relief and effect from the nicotine instead of a constant yucky useless crutch. We are not attempting any cold turkey that would be stupid just telling ourself a time when we can have another and then seeing if we can wait a little while longer by doing something to distract ourself. The fags don't touch the tearfulness anyway we need cannabis for that, after the relief tears of course! They are a constant fucking reminder of what we need and want and don't have but is easily available to those that could or would never attempt to save one life or mind and that is a constant reminder of the awful disgusting state of the peoples on this planet.

Done some internet shopping and we don't manage that when we are really down. Food to save money and pissed off ness caused by going to the shops here. We are bumping into it from next-door a fair bit and she's been acting all friendly and calling us "luv", seeing her is enough to make our blood boil but having to stand physically close to her in the shop que or when reaching for stuff off shelves is worse. How can a people get in a state as bad as this? I know we know but still, how?

Hope the natural sleep aide ordered give us some relief and help us heal from this shitty virus and just in general. Soft slippers coming to, its getting colder, new slippers will be nice.

September 25, 2018

really really really hate it here

Idina was already there. Hiding in between the bails in the field that is on your left if your driving up the hill into Kirkton of Skene, on your right if you are driving toward the village from the primary school or passing through from Westhill. She said our name and we felt a massive emotional response to hearing it even though we didn't think we knew our name. She blinked when we called her Idina and looked almost confused when we called her Idina and ran over to her to sit next to her and hold each other and shake lots. We said sorry for calling her that and said her name was Laura. She shook her head and we said we were sorry and something about her not being Laura and I was not Louise. We almost laughed. I said I thought Idina was my mother's name and both of us started to remember stuff before the screaming, the cracking the sick exaggerated fake laughter and the hooting got really loud again. We cuddled in closer to each other shaking more again and barely breathing. I almost didn't see Elaine run past. She was shaking and struggling to breathe the same as we were but even more covered in blood and shit and ran over to us and joined the huddle.

It was getting dark. At one point some bloke walked around the hay bails looking for us but we stopped him from seeing us. Something we had done many times and have done many times since. He wondered of shouting in a Scottish accent but not Aberdeenshire or city accent that there was no one there. After a while we could return to our half crying have gasping for breath. We weren't sure if hadnt seen us. Then we remembered everything they said and did sounded fake because it was they weren't real people and didn't feel real feelings it was all programming and remote control.

The screaming flashing and shouting lasting well into the night. Sometimes one or all of us was sick. We took it in turns to dissociate. There were boughts of bitter bitter burning tears. The worst that I remember now was the sound of little kids screaming and screaming. Such a horrible sound. I had to try not hate myself for the moment of relief when it stopped because it meant the kid had been slaughtered. We would have moments when we felt terrified that it meant we were becoming like all the murders and rapists. We were so glad when we told the other two this and they told us we would never be like them. We could see how sincere they were and we believed them.

Eventully it grew quiet. It was a night like tonight. Almost full moon lighting up the trees and fields, making the odd cloud all silvery. Beautiful but not much comfort.  We talked sometimes, shivered a lot. Doing our best to keep ourself and each other warm. Drifted in and out of sleep but never all at the same time. Idina asked how we had stopped the guy from seeing us. We told her and taught her as best we could. I remember coming round at one point a watching Idina looking out over the fields and saw the look in her eyes and feeling so very certain with no doubt at all that she was going to survive all this. We understood why Louise liked her so much.

We were all well prepubescent. I thought Elaine was the youngest but they said I was, Lainy hadn't had a couple of years with our mother and we felt so bad that Scotland, abuse and genocide was all she knew. We knew she must be very remarkable to have made it this far. She said Louise helped her. I remember at one point when the screaming was still going on and had been for hours but was getting quieter we put our hands together and swore we would get the people who were doing this, we used their words I guess, "We will get them for this. Every mother fucking one of them."

The three of us spent a few nights there over the years. Sometimes with others, sometimes not. Sometimes we were spotted and we started killling back. The shits would end up running from us. "Big men" running and stumbling away from three little girls. We would shake and cry a little less each time we spent there. Talked more, thought more, planned and shared information more. Our conversations would stop during the worst of it and then start up again when it subsided like it was just traffick passing. Even laughed more.

September 23, 2018

get us away from this mass unmarked grave

Noah didn't survive anymore Idina's Courtney. They had them cutting us when they were still little and were still using everything we taught them and the bond made when we carried them, breastfed them and fought for them when they were tiny and we were still children ourselves, last year. They are the property of their rapists now and have shown no signs of resistance in a very long time. If that is our surface memories then everything inbetween is gonna be just as awful if not worse. They have kids doing worse and worse, worse and worse abuse and betrayal so there is no way back. Thats breeding..That's Western culture. Smosh is of course Pabs subscribed viewing, along with endless theory shows on games and Harry Potter adhering to Masonic approved pseudo science and utterly bereft of genuine history or politics. Merikkka. Your shit.

Love you Pablo though and Sonny and Pierre and others we couldn't name without weeping. And the baby we have a sense that he's been named Alexander, we were being told people would be fighting for him to be with us because we know and understand what he is and what he will have been put though years before he was conceived. When he was still just a frozen egg, a threat, a promise to continue the horrific treatment of female Jewish slaves.. A frozen egg that could of been destroyed or returned to us years ago. There was the usual bullshit promises, we have no intention of helping you, any slave or any child anywhere but if you do something impossible, or take part in making something we could use to kill you we will respect some of your and children's rights. If there was ever any intention of respecting our rights we wouldn't be in this awful position and no child or woman would be either. Earth power structures, always evil, always most harmful to those with the most to offer and always willfully ignorant.

So fucking bored of feeling like shit and not being able to do anything about. Cramping today as well just to add to all the shitness. Fucking sick of not being able to appreicate all the amazing work we have done. All the "wake me up when September ends" stuff is nothing more than a made up death date given so fuckers would stop phoning and pull back the constant abuse from locals, no more possible than any other death date that's been made up.

Don't know how long it will take for Louise and co to return they are so far away they don't feel real. But they are though. Just as real as me and Idina and Elaine.