February 27, 2017

You don't have to do that any more, they're all gone.

It's so good to be able to think about her without having shatter our self into pieces because of where we are and how much it wasn't allowed. The high up networks and their associates were very clear on that. We didn't exist but she especially didn't exist. The worst and most abusive of Russian, British and American histories, cultures and military have all meshed up together and protected by all that off Terra horror tech and outposts and facilities.

Something in us was urging us to fight harder to pay attention to figure out what was going on. The system was so familiar. We had spent so long with them. How the hell did people figure out evil had such applications? We had already done most of the work all we had to do was open up to the memories and we knew what to do. We fell to pieces when we found him and realised that although we had freed people from machines and apparatus like this before without killing them when much smaller we were know but we couldnt do it alone this time. We looked around at where we were, what was around us and it helped us fall together enough to realise we were in a place and time where we didn't have to do it alone.

We had already worked it out with him so after he was free and we in another room uncurled so we could go to him see his eyes, see him move he wouldn't fight to try and not say whatever was programmed about who our real mother was but he gave me back the note he had in his hand for years.

Dad do they really never let you out?

It's better that way.. We nodded between sobs.

Yeah it hurts so much when they take you out. I know. We hugged and cried lots and said really important things then I had to help him back in and set it all up like I hadnt been there.

Once we had seen him and had the location we weren't interested in hanging around. We were on big mission mode. We couldn't hear what people were saying and even when we could we couldnt get away from the really strong sense that it what ever was being talked about was of no importance at all even though that would be struggling to be much further from the truth. We said we had to go and looked back at Dad but just felt all the more confident that we had to go and sad that we had to. They could tell by looking at us that we had go and that whatever we were about to do would probably be significant. Hugs, kisses, tears, more hugs, serious words we couldn't hear and the hatches and then we are back in our speedy little ship alone with the location of one of the worst satanic women ever created who also happened to be our biological mother.

We weren't up for getting to close but we had to admit it was quite an impressive structure when we started getting flashes of our time there and Julia's time there and everything that was going on there now and would be going on if we didn't end it. We stayed long enough to see that there wasn't going to be anything left intact in that mess of fire and metal then moved on. There was a lot to do.

It was all done and done well.

Slaves were rescued, the lost allowed to rest, we let people who had been kept on sites decides what would happen to the sites once they were off them and that gave some people who had been previously rescued a chance to actually use the big toys. One peep had concerned us by saying things that was starting to show signs of a lust for mass destruction and we were glad he was getting to finally get what he wanted because we knew that when he actually did it it would hit him and he wouldnt be so lusty any more. We felt some regret and letting him do the job when we heard and felt how long the puking went on for while we sped on. He told us we were right at least we thought that was what we said it was heard to tell with all the retching and puking and all the shouting and hooting in the background.

It was all serious but what we had planned next was serious serious serious and we hadn't had time to go and over and it. I'm not describing what it was and what they had built it to look like. I don't think we had used the science we were using too many times on this scale but we knew those numbers had been gone over and over even if the steps hadn't. It's not because we didn't have time we told our self as we got closer and closer and nerves and the guts and the palms and the breathing and the concentration got worse, its because there was no need to go over and over it. It will be fine. It always is.

We weren't for hanging about there either. They couldn't see us and probably still wouldn't if we had started blasting tunes and space writing "morning fascists" all around the undead fucks. We remember taking a moment just to look at it and think about everything it meant and was there was only one word, "yuck". We knew it wouldn't take long to set up the grid that when activated would put that particular site in a big box and then squish it. As we do whenever we can the megabrains take a back seat after the buttons have been pushed to let the amnesiacs and the scared and the Scottish see the results. There it was the box of bluish light over the lines and the military greys, it's working! then holy shit.. and We did that? .. I can see why you would want us to know..

The last site we hit is still there and intact. We asked if ze wanted to go somewhere and ze said they wanted to stay where they were for now it would be nice to be there and be okay to not be imprisoned and tortured, we said we got that and was happy to take a break from the mass destruction anyway.  We stayed there as long as we could, happy and safe and alive and with a very good and very amazing friend.

Then we had to come back here. We talked and cried and laughed with Julia lots on the way back whenever we could trying to make the most of the rare contact while we had it. She had been looked after ok for a while and her speak was improving. I couldn't stop crying.

We landed at one of our usual places in the States they weren't expecting us. The guys didn't know what to do with us we couldn't speak or say anyway. Some higher up nasty type look us away and tried to threaten us when no one else was around. It stopped us from crying. We stood there wiping up the streaming snot and wiping our face with the tissues the guys got for us thinking about everything we had just done and it was very grounding he wasn't scary at all without that shit up there backing him up. We told him to fuck off he looked like he was about to go for us but stopped when we scoffed at him, then left and went to our bunk to rest and sleep.

We woke up with someone in the room whispering at us in the dark. The high up prick was kicking up shit because we told him to fuck off. We were glad it was who it was they had dealt with us in all sorts of states and always made things better so we invited them in and spooned while we asked what they knew and told them what we had done. It was one of those this is probably a bad idea but I needed to do. I hope they are still alive and okish and can forgive us for telling them everything. We knew we were going back to Scotland and that things for me and bairn and lots of others was going to be very very awful and we had to make the best of every second of affection and truth. They were planning on killing me and putting Julia here. Some still thought this was the case during the summer when we had to pretend to be Julia on the phone so they probably still think it. Cunts.





February 25, 2017

J.S.

It really means something that we are writing and thinking about her. "Julia". We spent a lot of timing not being amnesiac of her but unable to tell people because of what they who do, how closely we were watched. Of course things we happen sometimes that would make people wonder. "There seems to have been two people in the room with your DNA one pregnant, one not."  .. "you seem to have been at two places at the same time."

She was used for all the stuff that they couldnt get us to do because we have an physically intact brain. Lots and lots of pressure to hate her. To get rid of her because she was being used to do so much harm and let them destroy the evidence that she ever existed. But she was me. She was all victims and we are real and we have to do everything we can to stop it because its so evil and because it functions by enslaving creatures like me and her. All the numbers kept saying there was no way to get us both out without stopping all of it and that because too many people who weren't obviously bad to me were against her ever being safe it was impossible to get her out at all. We know many people wish we could start dealing with an other JS stuff. We will say his name Jon Stewart. Currently of HBO. And allude to events in France and say he is currently blocked by ourselves on twitter but thats all we can say. We are still being crushed under too much "can't be true" and fears caused by past violence to stop us saying of this to feel confident enough to state facts beyond that.

There was mass destruction options of course but by time we got to a place where we had escaped enough to have a full enough grasp of everything we would be to exhausted, too injured too make those kinds of decisions. We have to say we don't feel that way now because its true and we said we would.

There was a lot of getting back in touch with people and being able to give old friends, new friends and nation states details about Russian RA and fascists everywhere. So life affirming and so life endangering particularly as Britain has been wide open to any fascist surveillance and violence for much longer than I have been here. There is no place for us to hide here so we and everyone else has had to hide within ourselves. We hope it will not be this way forever

Buckle those wheels people. Crumble the mills. If we don't have it now we never will.

February 23, 2017

Sister

There was two of us. There is senses of various stories. She sacrificed herself for me. They were intending on keep one off in pain and misery whilst protecting and nurturing the other. The war to get us back was raging and they knew they knew that plan was in danger. It was supposed to me but she didnt me to go through any more she made them think she was me. We were both so tiny we can't be sure from here. They didn't kill her they just cut almost all of her out her head. We went through phases of being angry that people weren't doing more to help her and get her out like they did me. Then we would remember or be told what they had turned her into. Even though we understood it was impossible for it to not add to the sense of distance between us and everyone else.

I can't remember the exact words the dude on the phone to us in Dundee used when he discussed her autopsy. We remember saying we weren't sure if there was enough left for them to see what had be done to her brain when she was little and that we were glad that there was so they could see and we wouldnt have to explain it all. He was pretty shocked and asked if that was what he saw in the remains of her brain was what we were fighting and we said yes, that they did it and much else in front of us and that as useful as trauma and messing with dissociation is in terms of mind control if you really want to destroy a person - brain injury. We didn't talk that long but I think we said it had been going for a very long time and could prove it. We met him and others at one of the facilities after in front of one of our massive towering slices showing  millenias of Western horror.

The call from the other side about it all was quite something. To tell them she was dead but secure already knowing exactly what he was going to say next because it was stuff that was planned anyway. When white power slavers tell you you have lost the "only support from us you have" it gives one a warm glow. 

February 22, 2017

Terra not so Firma

Cold has us down. They often do that. Feeling horrible triggers memories of other times of feeling horrible. We wish we could share more about what going on for us. So many amazing stories would be so good to be able to write them, to spend time crating them. To know people were enjoying them. We cant though. We are at a wall. A Russian wall. After so many years of being forced to avoid the subject it is going to be on our mind a lot. Like when Jersey or the Savile stories broke. We are in a much better place than we were during those times though. Cold us brought back when me and the lad had proper flu in Dundee. We thought we could maybe write more about that but apparently not. People know we need hugs. But we will say it again anyway. We need hugs. And words.

Good and scary to see news about other planets. Why scary? Have you seen how Earth treats life? All the violent divisions, the extreme exploitation, the total destruction.. The thought of SpaceX being out there at all disgusts us. In reality though we don't need to be too worried about that.. done everything we can.. blah blah.

We still see they odd tweet from people we haven't unfollowed yet claiming the whole fake news thing. I want to ask them if they think big nation states ever mess around with each other like that and if they have noticed where Russia is at culture wise and if they think it is possible for anti human rights people from one country to be working with people with similar views in other countries.. But conspiracies are something we do to other people not something that happens to us!!

In between and along side all the amnesia and denial we did a lot of work in the past few years. Not that we can remember much in great detail. We can remember so emotional reactions quite clearly though usually with some detail on what caused it. We have to keep saying it because it feels so detached that the tech, the machinery that made fighting so pointless in the past is down. Earth's Satanists are not protected by higher powers like they were they are protected by each other which is bad enough but not impossible.

I hate colds.





February 17, 2017

your not my daddy

It feels really good to be watching US news channels and journalists again and its not like before where we did it out of vague interest and some dubious sense of duty or make me feel like I was engaging and always ended up unfollowing because the reality of our life was so far away from the world they were reporting I felt even more sub human. It's so public now who the "sub human" is and the reality of our life is without so much ongoing violence, attacks and ops and that de radicalises us. It's possible to feel that common ground between myself and the rest of Earth's humanoid inhabitants isn't just temporary and literal.

It's important to enjoy non bullshitty news when its around and your in a position to do so. We are worried about complacency though. It all seems so ridiculous it cant possibly continue in our civilised nation.. We have enough historical insight to know thats a time when liberalism is dangerous as fuck.

It's to be in a place where we can expressive negativity about Russian authorities and institutions, anything out of the very early years we have few associations beyond hopelessness. Like Britain the ancientness the conservationism the imperialism meant satanic practices were long ago protected and centralised. It's impossible to not feel fury on behalf of the Russian people. They fight and work so hard when they are and always were being betrayed in the worst and most massive ways. The Brits lots their hearts long ago but the Russian's kept a hold of theirs for so long. Just for wife beating to be legalised in the 21st Century and the courting and protecting of Trump and people like him throughout the world.

We are still buried in post apocalypse Boston. Our main mission at the moment is scouring the commonwealth for nice things to put in our home or on shelves in shops. Onto the second row of bobbleheads and have quite a few robot models they are so cute.. Not sure about the vault building quests..definitely will be going back to Nukaworld to dispense some justice though and pick up souvenirs of course, also still have to figure out how to retrieve Dima's last memory with Nick.. busy girl.




January 27, 2017

yada yada

Yesterday once the first time this year we managed to put in an asda delivery. That means today we had steak chips gravy and red wine of course. Don't know what our issue is with ordering groceries so we don't need to go to the little shops here every fucking day is. Well there is the problems we have eating sometimes the difficulty in planning ahead and accepting that we that same shit that needed to be done today will need to be done tomorrow and feeling like I am better suited to other duties.. But other than that..

May giving it that her and Trump are going to bring back some kind of imperialistic golden age. Unpleasant. Saw a meme today showing a bunch of arms with camp registration number tattoos it was highlighting previous times people of specific ethnicities have been registered and demonised like immigrants and Muslims are now. We know this. We know the fictional emotive rhetoric and the long term plans for destroying and denying human rights behind it. We know its sliding from outward liberal values and backroom hate and war crimes to hopeless back and front room hate and war crimes. We know fascism uses the tolerance it claims to oppose to gain influence and then aims to destroy it to maintain positions of power, we know Trump is repugnant, abusive, fickle and easily played as long as his ego is stocked and that May and tories are usually just as bad.

 It's disgusting and terrifies us at every level but that isnt what we took from this meme. Some of the wrists had watches. It wasn't taken in a camp it was taken after and they were together supporting each other years and years later. It was the most hopeful and life affirming thing we have seen in days except for the development of our settlements in fall out 4. We have enough caps to be buying shipments of steel and wood and setting up big shops everywhere. Haven't been sleeping well. We did come off the olzapine that will be in a factor in that but as instead or as well as feeling unsafe as fuck because of the systems and people in power we are planning cafe lay outs. Would love to find more copies of "Picket Fences" have found three so far I think. Can make tonnes of paintings, patio furniture and just recently - statues!! :-)


January 24, 2017

virtual training

It's good to hear talk on mainstream tv about the need to understand authoritarian regimes better. Seeing Trump be so abusive towards the press making them point out all the blatant half assed bullshit has been kinda nice to.. It's hard to rise above the chillingness of it all even when you know it's intentional. I'd rather not hate "the press" but its hard not to when held down with the ridiculousness here in the UK. The trident stuff today.. ... sickening .. and maybe a step towards indy.. We have been very successfully hiding in fall out 4, where we have a girl friend, are building settlements, setting up traders and blasting nasties while not looking for our son much because that would probably mean the end of the game. Resident Evil out soon though so thats a relief.

It's January, our weed guy isnt responding forcing to consume headachy pollen but we aren't too bad. Still no word from no one. But an increased sense that we are out there searching for a way to help us. Still wading through, the fake, the real but pretend, the completely not real but still true, etc memories. I.D in our head the past few days. Not particularly helping. Not particularly not helping. Usual.

Tomorrow I have to clean a bit but then I can do some quests. Just turned on a machine that got rid of the mireluks from an island and need to build defences for a Railroad safe house..