November 13, 2018

*dancing woman emoji*

0238 Its paid. Money went in, used the card reader slowly carefully as calmly as possible didn't fuck it up and off the money went. And there is enough left to eat and have electric and gas this next week even if the loan doesn't get in. Yes train line I may have another sore throat and bags under my eyes that look like I have recently had my nose broken but I am indeed mother fucking ready. Unless I fall asleep then when I wake up I will indeed not feel motherfucking ready for anything. Awful rapey nightmares again when we slept earlier but me and a few other woman were helping each other. The cute racist Italian chick from Orange keeps turning up and being a good pal and neighbour in dreams recently, shes not racist in our dreams. Will still manage to get rolls, juice, ham, cheese, lecky , crisps either way. And shower better shower.. And wake up Pablo and get cash out for taxi. Okay maybe there won't be quite enough cash to do us the whole week but that's alright the loan is unlikely to take another whole week its already been a few working days. We're getting the literal keys to a literal new better life today. Hope its not raining so we can take a little walk to. Seen the sea and never walked down to it last time gotta do something about that if health, weather and energy permit.

Hope we stick to our offer of inviting the agent up to see our Xmas deco once it's up. The other place we saw was all modern and our shabby chic addiction wouldn't of fitted in right not like it will in this place. Would be nice to walk into full fitted kitchen though of course, dishwasher and all but we didnt think much of the immediate surroundings there, where we got is actually more "central" but looks likes its gona be dead quiet, docs close to. Oh thank fuck. Probs best hold back on the shabby chic once the loan gets in the clearance guys and the new cooker will take a fair chunk and we will have to be paying the rent ourself since housing benefit is no more there and universal credit is a travesty of carnage and stress and will take ages to sort. There is the deposit for here though.. New keys in my support braced paws.. Plenty time to recover from today and get back to sorting here. Oh joy.

1915

I'm so fucking tired, surely the tiny lapses into almost sleep on the trains home won't stop me from a good bunch of hours, all in a row.. Not a cloud in the sky and cold but not freezing wished we had it in us to wonder down to shore but were to tired and besides plenty time for all that. We got the keys. We signed and initialed all the everything. We are officially getting out of here. Fair bit of thinking and discussions about rooms, really wanting to get him to understand I want him to work for the big one, voluntarily. I want the one with fire place we are not allowed to use anyway. We can stick the tumbled drier in his room and a small dinning table in mine. But now I drink wine and hopefully sleep well or at least sleep. It is very cute and warm.. I need sleep. Real sleep. Just feel so little and overwhelmed at everything that needs to be done and I miss the pusses.

November 12, 2018

Not freaking out..

Its a universal credit area. If I want housing benefit, help with rent. I gotta apply. I'm not freaking out. Shaking and want to cry and scream. Maybe freaking out a bit. Helped when we read that if you've just been assessed they won't asses you again. That if your unfit to attend an interview and we so fucking are, we won't be forced to. Registered with the application site but went no further. So worried about money not being in for the deposit and first month. Would really help if we had someone to tell us its okay. Can't handle anymore calls never the gamble of what might pick up the phone at the other end of the help lines. That was what we found out from on call and we pushed past the urge to withdraw further and made a docs appointment at a time of day we might actually attend, with the doctor we think is a bit more consistent not the one whole is all ears one time and heartless as fuck the next time we make it in.

Stressing about every time we wrote on the form that we managed to do anything. Its not many times.. But still.

Pain is fucking awful think I might be in the place where the painkillers make the pain worse because of the lack of pooing .. Best wait until there has been movement before we take any more which is hard when in so much fucking pain. Had two donuts, eventually managed to get milk from shop with purse pennies not spending from the bank. Not until its in and transferred and cleared. Vodafone calling about unpaid bill cept messing up our sleep. Can't handle computer voices. Will sort it out when the budgeting loan gets in.

Actually read a couple of chapters of an actual book last night. First time in years except for A Christmas Carol last year. Wanted to write about what we are thinking about it, Sophie's World to stressed and scared now though. The Fortnite gunfire from the living room is not helping.

Airplay is working though. That's a good thing. London Still..

November 11, 2018

Sunday

Couldn't eat much yesterday, half a bowl of carton gumbo, a bagel and a few custard creams. Junior was on the bagels, macaroni pie and whatever else he could find. Just pigged out on sausages, chips, peas, yorkies and gravy feeling much better for it. Did a little bit of boxing and bagging as we waited for the oven to heat up. All three big cupboards and the small room that was getting used as a cupboard at almost completely sorted. Always a source of anxiety when flitting.. Big stuffed cupboards.. Pain has been really really nasty. So not planning on doing anything else today, except shower with the shower that gets freezing cold every minute or two and get Pabs to do the same. Saw a polo shirt hanging up and trousers in the wash basket so he's good for tomorrow.

Got my list of calls to make after he's left for school, probably will end up going to sleep after that. Anxious about the calls, anxious about not knowing the stuff I need know. Neither of us are sleeping much during the night, poor lad will suffer getting up tomorrow. Its rough as for me but at least I can go back to sleep. I might get woken up by the "can you come get him he's falling asleep call". Spending the small hours adding essentials and not so essentials to our Amazon list and being all excited. Body is telling us to not move the big move day forward, parts of our mind are just so keen but we can recognise its best to not over commit. Its not like once you move you can just chill. You gotta empty all the fucking boxes. Figure out where to put stuff. Gotta get a cooker, gotta deal with a new school. And new Doctors..

Man I'm so glad we ate a meal.

Hidden objects call..


November 10, 2018

Poor pusses..

Pretty bad for a while yesterday, back like we were for months when we first got here, shaking like had taken loads of ventolin but hadnt had anyway, ate a meal and it made no difference. We got a bit better later on and we found another charger cable for tablet and its taking a full charge again. No sleep over night of course not surprising as we were out for hours after the cats left. Cat lady woke us up late lunch time asking for advice over the terrified in the cattery pusses.. We gave all we could on a note but its maybe got misplaced. Heart breaking. We always knew we probably shouldn't of took them and wouldn't be able to keep them forever cat lady said we rescued them on the form and we wouldn't of taking them if they were okay where they where, Jess pregnant all the time, Princess being dissociated to limp state by the kid. We do what we can do when we can. Knew the sensible thing would of been to let social services rehome  them when we were in hospital but we couldn't let them go.

Managed to access a more appropriate for formal shit email rather than daffodils. Pabs took lots of bag up to charity shop, took out a bag of rubbish and taped up a box. Little steps. Lots done already and still plenty of time. Probs gonna need all that time. Rushed moves are even more horrible that plenty of time ones and this is us and just us, clearing here to be elsewhere. Will be good to get away from all the cat reminders as well as everything else. Keep seeing Princess at the kitchen window. Found his tube thing in Pabs room forgot to look for it before they went. He used to sleep inside it and could probably do with it right now.

We will be freer and feel more at home real soon. The pusses will be okay, hopefully much better than okay real soon to.

Quite sore and no fucking appetite. No surprises. 

November 09, 2018

Good luck pusses

She came for them this morning. Changed Princess's name to the masculine version, said well done for getting them neutered and getting the cool cat box. Then drove off them in cages. Last night we washed the favorite blanket twice tumbled it and cut it in two. So they will have that. Powered them to. Bought some of their favourite cat food to. And now the annoying, flea ridden, needy pain in the ass furrballs  are gone I'm a weepy triggered achey chain smoking mess. Like we said to the lad, it is gonna be worth it when we are in and settled. Its not I felt like I was taking proper care of them. We were still buying food I would run out of food sometimes, they are not vaccinated or chipped and we got really upset about having to care for them and them scratching at fleas. Seems to have brought up thoughts of Laura/Martha etc and fears something will go wrong and we won't get the place we love, or we will but they won't extend the lease and we will have to find somewhere else that accepts housing benefit and we don't like as much, or at all.

Glad the actual physical move isn't next week now. Still lots to do and we will get the keys next week. Its is going to be okay but its also okay to be really sad about the cats, about Laura, about Margo, about how badly we have been treated by so many and everything else right now. Kinda how bad it's been 2013 until now. We think we can't believe how long we have been here and have been writing different years of all the forms. It's more than three anyway. Feels like some very lost years. We've been so ill, so much in harms way and so without emotional and physical support. There is no way we will not feel different and better somewhere else. Right now though we really need someone to prepare food for us coz we are hungry but can't cook yet. Hopefully later we will manage. Its Friday. Things can happen later.

November 08, 2018

not cool

Doesnt matter how okish you are when you fall asleep at 6 your not gonna be feeling so ok when the alarm goes off at 8.. cancelled a docs appointment, felt horrible cried a little cried a bit more when cat lady called to say she will be picking them up tomorrow. Stuid tablet isn’t charging, should manage to get something once the housing benefit is paid back and the budgeting loan is in. Cooker first though of course & a new smaller eating off table. New kitchen is tiny especially compared to what we got now so back to using the living room as a dining room to. Hardly ever in the living room here anyway, would of used it over xmas to watch movies but quit sky a while ago coz they got nothing we can tolerate, and friggin Netflix has cancelled Orange which has seriously pissed us off, like seeping into our nightmares pissed off. Think the endless hoards of superficial vavid twats are well catered for Netflix. We did eventually get into “good girls” or the one about the women getting involved in robbery and money laundering it had some quite class moments but only one series they have probably cancelled it too for that very reason.

Counted the cash and went up for wine, chocolate, fresh juice and guilt caserole cat food. Washed our favourite blanket twice and tumbled it then cut it in two. Only got cat carrier left as the other wasn’t returned but its the cool one that side opens and is dead easy to fold flat. Had to keep them out of here because we powdered them. Princess is particularly pissed coz of that and coz we arnt letting him out.

Had an eye on the laterst white dude slaughtering a bunch of random folks. That smile in one of his military service shots kinda says “Im fucked up and need serious help and Im not the type to go down  without acting out on my projections, jealousies and resentments stewed in paranoid isolation and a culture that wont teach me self care, self expression and acceptance or respect for others.”

We just skip past any comments from the king of farts. We dont long for any kind of justice anymore, just acknowledge the uncrossable distance as it grows between ourself and authorities not just in a general sense but individuals and agencies we worked with, consciously and conscientiously because we believed there was something worth saving in America, the West and we knew our self respect demanded we do all we can to show them what we had to offer and how committed we were and are to our humanitarian principals. We thought we knew and would be prepared for the betrayals and their consequences but knowing and being emotionally or physically prepared for horror is very far apart. The mourning will never be over we have lost and seen to much cruel and callous loss for that but we are starting to function and hope for ourself and ours.

Miss you Gabe.

Listening to the Waifs, loving the Aussie accents and the folky country thang. Gonna have a burger.

Cool

Damn sore though going into town and selling games, putting cash in bank, grabbing some cheap snacks and vino then getting bus home. Was no option but to nap when we got in and after we sorted out broadband. Vaguely heard the post hitting floor and found our acceptance letter from DWP for full amount and letter from post office asking for ID and stuff. No ta will take the 0 interest rate. Came a lot quicker than I feared. Should be in by moving day and will probably be able to clear me and Lauras cheap broken furniture. Gonna get another quote though. Think we can just about tolerate more strange dudes trapecing round our house.

After two plates of spag bol and vino we crashed out for a few hours with the lad waking us up in the middle to tell us about smosh ending or something which led to some fucked up Anthony & smosh dreams. So relieved we are coping with organising the move that it has only made us a bit yuck and not floored us completely. Lad called us hypermommy when we eventually woke up and put him to bed.. Glad we wont have to figure out where to store xmas decor & the crazy big tree its close enough to December there is no point. Been looking at decorations on Amazon it is a hobby we dedicate lots of time to at this time of year, accidentally bought a big red candle because of unintended one click tapping.. theres a fire place thats out of use in the room that i will probably take as my bedroom and thinking big red candle in a pickling jar, maybe some pine cones round the base.. garland over the mantel.. lovely. Definitely got way too much docor for such a small place but Im like the lad is with his toys over it not giving up a thing. Don’t know what will work until we are in there anyway and thats a pretty good excuse.

Feeling bad about cats though. Now its colder Princess is only outside half the time and is attached to me the rest, barely seeing much of Jess because she has a big empty box. Its not fair on any of us when we are particularly ill though and the thought of them getting old and ill and vet bills and more death even if years and years away is too much.

So glad overall. Keeping checking bank to make sure we will have enough for the deposit when our next money comes in. Its gonna be okay. Already paid for train. We can cover it. Looking at all the staggered houses with little gardens each with greens and autumn colours had us wishing it would be okay for us to stay local. But its highly unlikely and definitely wouldn’t feel like it was, so onward.

November 06, 2018

Only almost cried a couple of times today! Mostly over gyn pain, like right now. It's pretty bad. Made it to parents evening. Kinda figured we had to because he's leaving. Lots of the staff wishing us well and saying they would miss the lad and I believe them. He's a happy, polite lad, mostly. It wasnt his Grandad Bill his teacher knows its a Bill on Margo's side. Its gonna get back to the Aberdeen lot where we are going anyway. She didn't seem to comfortable when we mentioned where and used a much more generic "down south" so maybe she won't say she talked a fair bit about families being close though.

It's not like them getting the address. We can't help telling folk anyway. Too chuffed for security, rather them than them hear through horrid authorities anyway. Another member of staff asked if we had family down there ans we said no fresh start and she brave andma Shonagh and literally minutes after the kids were banging on the door and running away again. Shouting shit we didn't catch, more than usual. Whatever.

Think we got a date. And not just a pick up the keys date but an actual getting the fuck out of here one. Wish it was sooner but we gotta watch ourself for overdoing it physically. Plenty time to eat the contents of the freezer and defrost the thing. Really relieved actually. Don't need to keep checking emails for loan updates. The DWP one can be twenty days after applying before you get an offer, then ten days after that before you get the money.. Probs should of found that out as soon as we got notice but we did what we could and made the best of it as best we could. With an actual date we can start telling utilities and broadband. He won't be happy having to go hours without never mind days. All the unpacking to do anyway should keep his busy. Still don't know if we can clear the shit we're not taking though. Might try get another quote, might just tell the landlord to bill us. Funds are crazy tight. But will get a useful amount from selling some games. He's not happy about it even though he never plays them. Gotta be done.

Days are so fucking long though and there's solo many of them. I know I know physically we can only handle a little at a time anyway. But urg. And also yeah we got a date. And end date to being here. A start date to somewhere we actually don't mind being.

coz im worth it and so’s he

Its distressingly tight but we gotta put that money down, sign that paper and get those keys. If our head wasnt so messed up we wouldnt of fucked up loan forms, cant be applying for any more we know that. There’s emergency stuff out there that would maybe help with the actual move as its unlikely the   Budgeting loan will get to us as soon as we need it. Dude is being a darling saying to cancel netflix and xbox gold but we checked and they have already come of was kind of a relief has we would have to go to websites we don’t normally go to and remember passwords and its all anxiety causing. If we could just get a good non distessing solid block of sleep.. and had an immune system got a least two small but uncomfortable cists, one just might be a pulled hair infection that will sort itself out. And if we bathe and hot shower lots it helps. Sore fucking hands, uterus irritated, bladder irritated at least our bowels are not too bad! If worse comes to worse with the cash we will have to sell some of his games, he was volunteering ds but im thinking switch. Things should be okay quite quickly again after the move and will probs be able to replace them soon after.

Got more forms sent out today, yeah more forms with extra evidence gathering.. dated & licked the esa. One less to do he said, bless him his attitude is really helping. Got quote for rubbish removal. Actual flit quote tomorrow.. lady from cat shelter wants them to be vaccinated but cant see how the prices on the board in the vet were fucking crazy maybe we read it wrong..

Be looking at groups & massuers in area that’s been helping us stay calmer. Got fucking parents night tomorrow to. Oh joy. No more wine for us either until shit has been paid for. Got a good stock of food  though. No weed. No wine. Anxieties & insecurities aplenty. Hope hard to reach when so fucking tired. Pain killers were in though. Really sucks this whole no friends or family thing. Doesnt suck as much as having contact from abusers constantly but still its real shitty.

November 04, 2018

Is all little all of a sudden. Maybe pills doc gave us for over peeing. Maybe nots. Wishin we had ordered pain killers earlier we ran out. Wishin even more for proper helpful weed. Dont bother wishin for hugs or speaking or other bigger person to help me and big boy anymore. We been lots that we need to do maybe just that. Gonna be in a place we wanna be! Needs a bit more money to do it all soon and without too much stressin and feeling all victim though. But maybe weve sorted that to.. Gonna have to deal with lots of diffetent people and make lots of calls but we can if we know it will be worth it and get to stare at the sea. Lots done already. Gonna be glad to not feel bad for cats coz we cant get rid of all the fleas or when they miawo and we just need to look after selfs and big boy we got nothing left for anyone else. Gonna be so good to not have monsters next door making summer sad and horrible. Wonder wot brain will be like when not here.. gotta be really careful and not get lost but dont wanna be stuck in teeny comfort zone either. Will plan and check self and check ourself and usr phone it will be okay. Maybe even really good. Lady was all “its not very modern” we were all loving it. Its small & quirky like us! Hope we get doc that helps or at least doesn’t make us much worse. Really hate it when the comfy powerful not educated docs make us worse. Feels so hopeless and no one to comfort us about it after. We gonna get healthier away from here. Gonna be so tired and have to pretend we all big lots in mean time and be okay for big boy its gonna be hard at times. Think it might be real start. Hope so and if not we fight on. Feels right I think coz we not sure wot feels right feels like.. love you us. Fingers crossed for easy as poss we already managing so much better than we did, dont be mad about slips. Its okay to be glad margo gone she was able to know us or love us they hurt and controlled her too much. It gonna get better and better.

October 30, 2018

Proper eye feast

It was really beautiful the walk back to the station, couldn't get the lad to appreciate most of it though but there was something for him to. It was getting dark the water flat and mirroring the silver and pinks in the sky just wonderful.

Tiredness crying now we are home though. Not like we didnt get lots of sleep last night its the one thing we can actually do for ourself with the piddly vallies is give ourself one or two good nights sleep. Really really liked the place and it's location. We do have a shot a it worried about the application form which was the one from before and I think we said too much. We do do that. Bank statement handed in. At least we have decided on a location and arnt trying to look for somewhere just anywhere coz that's even more stressful.

Guess all I can do it's cross my fingers, pray and the usual prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It was just so us though. Felt right, really right.

Got our tunes, our maps and of course of phone back. That's good. Two very emotional days though, best keep plans tomorrow minimal. Deal with last nights curry pot and plates. Definitely that. 

October 29, 2018

One day a visit to the GP will not result in lots of crying

When we said we wanted a different anti anxiety she said great because they should never ever be prescribing diazepam long term. Talked about the anti anxiety quality of the antidepressants we are on then gave us the same teeny tiny doze very small quantity of diazepam.. We can't separate its effectives from rapists and traffickers wanting us to stop crying and smile. We have tried so many fucking times to explain this to GPs but they don't listen, don't believe, don't care. It we have time we might try going back to another one before we go. We just want a sense even for a moment that someone gives a crap about the shitty quality of live we live but if we get the same treatment from someone else again its gonna hurt, its gonna knock us back its gonna fuck up whatever else we need to do that day coz we will be all tiny alone and crying. Or we will find the decent one we keep half remembering and will feel so shit at the crap we have been exposing ourself to because we are to programmed and fucked up to protect ourself from inappropriate treatment.

When we mentioned the ESA, the notice, migraines, the hands, the lack of sleep, the constant nightmares we got very little response if anything. She said "good" when we said we were off the cannabis. Yeah it's great being to sleep for four hours at a time if we are lucky and terrifed to sleep because the nightmares will fuck us up for half or sometimes all of the next day, it's a positive thing we are taking more codiene, also really positive that our immune system and asthma is getting hit with the extra fags we are smoking, and best of all its a good thing that we wake up and feel shit and weak and just want to cry rather than glad to be alive and hopeful about what we will achieve that day.

After many years of asking and telling docs about it we were given something for the sensitive irritable bladder though but the busy understocked chemist didn't have it in so we will have to pick it up another day. Bitch from next door was leaning on the counter we when signed the prescriptions and probs did her best to read as much as she could. That fucking super speed voice of hers. We will be so glad to be away from it, it makes us feel so fucking sick.

GP also said "no chance" when we asked about CPN. Think our one and another have retired and another have retired and haven't been replaced. They are only taking "serious cases, like schizophrenia.." Almost cried in front of her then. We didn't though. It wouldn't matter most likely anyway we are not the type they hand difs, sleepers and 10s over to because we asked and cried a bit.

Wanna a caring professional who takes us seriously. It would help me and my ability to parent out a lot. Maybe lottery tickets would be our best chance.

October 28, 2018

No Cats in America

"Deadliest attack on Jews in US history." Apart from everything that involved the establishment and authorities and so isn't counted, talked or written about. To be fair they did ship a lot out to Scotland to be slaughtered and if someone is still walking around they cant be technically described as dead even if they have had assorted lobes removed and have no independent thoughts, consciousness or will of their own.

Fucking putrid reading Trump or Sturgeon's anti anti semitic comments. So we stopped, had a shower and came here to off load.

Too tired for much pissed off ness and disgust. Same old lack of sleep and awful crazy vivid dreams when we do. An aeroplane crashing into ocean which I saw falling, but later I was on the plane with the survivors, stuck their, crappy people keeping themselves wasted and striping away bits of the plane to burn for heat or whatever until the thing was increasingly filled up with water and corpses and people who had completely given up long before the crash. We did manage to swim through the corpses and get out. Had thing were if we see weed in dreams we try and grab it and wake up and take it with us, repeatedly.. It didn't work. We still don't have any weed..