May 05, 2015

Bad, useless or dead.

Back to this then. Its been around for a few days, pushing its way past the weed. The irritability, the plummeting self esteem, the constant edge of tearfulness and the sense we will never be safe, never find and keep people who we are ok with. All the words and acts of hate from ourselves and others from the past are a constant bottomless presence that refuses to be analysed.  We felt so desperate last night looking at the stalks and scraps we had left, knowing what was coming.

Still we have gotten stuff done in past few days, after 8 months the kitchen is actually starting to feel like our own and we are not just saying that so we start to believe it plus the living room has a floor again and is that much closer to being decorated. Thinking maybe the break in pain we have got near the end of the last few cycles might possibly be stretching. Its back and nasty today though but its not as bad a feeling as being terrified and lonely because the adults trained loads of kids to hate and hurt us while all the other adults we know are bad, useless or dead.

As much as we go on about DID being pretty amazing we do hate it sometimes to especially the way it doesn't matter how much processing you do and how hard you work sooner or later you wake feeling exactly how you did when locked up in some flat or whatever, with years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation behind you and years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation ahead of you.

It doesnt feel like it means all that much but we did notice a kind of readiness that the we know hasn't been around much for a long time. There wont be much gladness about that, it means more details, more devils..

Think we messed up again self care wise and its contributing to the current stinky cloud.  We get so desperate for positive, validating human contact and we know that will never be without risk so we rush into things ang ignore fears, going to be in miserable mess anyway, thats just what its like, we have to accept the triggers and the fear or we will never feel any better..

We understand of course. But when we in a mess because we were exposed to someone or something that we maybe could of avoided its hard not to feel some anger. The rings where i was number one victim, our family here in Scotland.. we can see how some of what it felt like to singled out for extra abuse, to be victimised by victims has been triggered by CSA activists and activism partly because we were programmed to keep feeling that way but also because all the abusers, relaxed and above suspicion and untouchable due to state and criminal contacts who will continue keeping the language retro, keeping people focused on the much smaller pictures and bravely fighting public battles that they know are utterly unwinable.

Feeling better now, really does work articulating issues necking gabapentin like their sweeties (exaggeration there, we loose count after 1) and our new lap top table is ace it has a wee round dent for a cup,  room for side plate and an ashtray.. :)

We think sometimes about going drug free but we are not there yet, so many years of being denied comfort and denying ourselves comfort its unlikely to be anytime soon.  Its not like our battered conditioned trauma riddled brain is going to be clearer without. The pain anyway. Our body is screaming that we have just be raped and they have left the objects in there when the last time was years ago, we are not in a place where we can hug or mediate that away.










May 02, 2015

cupboard clearing

She used sex work to fund the drinking sometimes.  Not sure how much when she lived away. There was one in particular who would hassle me when she wasnt around. There were times when she would try and push us into it. She was busy with baby 'just go with him'. There were rapes of course. We were in various dissociative states and were vulnerable. Particularly to the sort of guy who doesnt mind picking up a very drunk teenager to for sex while her distraught little sister was left with a small baby.

'Sex work' or 'being raped and then handed cash that someone else would take of me' as we called it wasnt exactly a opportunity it was easy to fall into. It was compulsory. If we started tomorrow to be in public places out drinking and talking regularly its quite likely that people would show up and start trying to force us into it again, using drugs, violence and manipulating and bulling people around me.

Still amused in our grim humour way about the MP tweeting people shouldn't pay to watch the boxing because its enabling violence against women.  I mean, where do I start? ..

Boxing in particular, which is of course about nothing else but violence against men and is so completely inhumane on every level that makes it a blindingly obvious example of how uncivilised every nation that thinks its culture is some how more progressive and impartial than its victims.

Rose Cottage

  Doing little things in the garden, love it, know their is a philosophy of gardening that's all about controlling and mastering nature but it feels more like a buffer between our world and out there. Bought a rose bush today, or at least it will be one day hopefully at the moment its a couple of sticks in small pot of dirt that we paid  fiver for, its name was 'Perseverance', deep red if it ever comes to life..

A small Japanese Maple to, mum used to have one during our twenties that some years got so glorious it would trigger our talks to plants parts and we would dream about being it..

We noticed it before when growing weed, we get real sense of straightforward healing from planting seeds  watching and waiting for the roots, leaves etc. Brings out someone who calms so many others, they are very timid when the gardener comes out like they are scared because she/he are easily scared of. Its so much warmer with her around. There is lots of awe for her, she's core and can be very powerful against abusers and helping others  but she's been very badly hurt..

..It's a they, a mother and daughter from when system was simpler.  A fantasy to distract from everything, a mother and daughter who lived in house in the middle of a beautiful forest. It took hold and became very important to us but the people who had to hit anything be had that made us feel better found out about it.  I heard them argue or question, even beg the ones giving the orders, 'C'mon can we not leave her with something.' We she tried to listen to the answers she couldn't hear, or the words stopping making sense before they reached us. Sometimes we heard because they were more the simple words used a lot and they were said loudly and clearly.  It offended us to the core but we got desensitised to that over the years.

Not that we are repeating those words now.. Why not? Part doesn't want to. But she's not too far we are not too scared for her. Sometimes they hold onto details like precious treasures. We understand we have been there. Staggering out of some war zones, ears wringing, disorientated, amnesiac, dust in eyes, nose, covered in blood you dont know if its your own or not and clutching something very tightly.  Can't look to see what it is. It could be mangled remains. Could be everything you are going to need. But we dont and cant let go because whatever it was we saw fit to clutch it tight in war zone. If we look we will know. There will be no more pretending that it might be something nice. ..

We wont be able to avoid responsibilities we are not ready for anymore?

Its loaded with programming of course. As we write this we can see and feel us in the past. Sitting usually, in the backs of cars, sofa's in their houses, holiday homes, our beds, their beds often. Using there quiet voices. Holding our hand. Telling us which of out parts are good and we should do as they say, which are bad and we should ignore or hurt. The levels of awareness, understanding and perspective varying in the moments and over the years. Body changing, rooms changing, their faces ageing but the parts they like to talk to the most stay the same. Still being bullied into making the same promises.

Clearing though. With less anxiety and before, that whole 'this is to horrible to be real, too horrible to deal with' feels reassured. Not that its not terrifying. Its just terrifying in a different way. Without the mystification there's is no longer mortal fear of something supernatural but there is violence. Violence. Extreme violence.

..that only trees and nature and stuff is able to listen to us talk about or can be trusted.

so they cling to their details, their bundles, holding them tighter as more and more weight is added and the war zone never ends. They only reach out to the trees and the flowers and only the abusers can reach them.

The first answers we always get are that we wont get anywhere with speaking. Not to begin with. Need something like some of the better stuff that went on it drama therapy..

some of us might be able to research and figure something out with Therapist.

..someone is very happy to have their clipboard up and functioning..



















April 26, 2015

excavation

Yeah its maybe gonna be a long night.  We have as much as we can do for ourselfs in terms of painkillers, weed and disney films.  Guy phoned up and offered us the movies package for half price.  It just feels like this is it, all this pain, metal, wood, plastic, forced into deep injured places. This is it for us. Its just what happens, if you suffer all that its going to keep hurting forever.

Maybe if there is proper support it could be fixed but thats is not going to happen. With us or without us hen you'll gonna suffer your whole life.  We resent it when people assume its the individuals who said those things that have the power over us. The big scary man whoes biologically driven to inflict pain and burden on us. The evil older woman. But it wasnt them or their particular ring that had and has that hold over us its because we were shown the systems behind them, in great detail so it was impossible to not know how helpless it was to resist or try and expose. It's a machine and everything you do or dont do will fuel for it. Made of solid heavy metal parts that chew and smush up humans without noticing. Genuinely nothing our wee lump of flesh could to stop or slow down. The only way would be with help, lots of help and they are hardly going to allow that to develop are they?

How does it feel to allow their words and faces to be so present in our mind? Well the agony the caused never left for long so seeing and hearing is kind of useful.  Ugly useful of course.

The longing though. Like the cat calling in the night for her still born but its so much more than that and thats why its forever. I wont let them go. They are my babies and I love them. They happened and I wont let that be denied. I have to because no one else will remember them, no one else counted them or cared.

Feels quite laboury leting her through like that. She wont be alone and I dont mean the babies. They will be with someone from the very early eighties or if they were really expert from the early nighties. Someone she needs to keep from the rest of us. She maybe feels like she had to sacrifice the babies to protect us. We will tell her it is most likely wasnt like that at all. She was being tortured for days, regularly over years she was being deprived of everything a body needs to function. That that she has any memories at all is remarkable and show how much she loves the babies. Whatever happens to any of us when we are not able to communicate with the rest of us intentionally leaves impressions of events that are totally off. Like we were saying last night with the people replacement. Besides we are all stronger and safer know. Someone will be able to handle it in here and therapist would be ok. She really wants to help but everyone keeps saying that other peoSple in here need the help more then going off and crying..

So much kneeling cold in thin nighities in the corner of darkened room.  Just trying not to be.

Not sure if I can go into those spaces to get them. I might need them to come to us but we are not sure if they can..

Maybe therapist can help.





you start of trying to figure out how to eat and end up back at incest

Whats the emotional reward in not eating? Well it means we arn't going against everything mental & physical that is in the way. Its accepting we are not well, strong or healed enough to do normal things like eat regular meals. It means we avoid that thing when we prepare food, sit down to eat our stomach turns we get totally trigger and in tears.

We hate it to of course, feeling weak is triggering. Its so motherish to she has always just has coffee fags/spliffs for breakfast and lunch and we know the more we replicate that behaviour the more we loose ourselves, keep our immune system depleted and possible positive futures become even harder to get to.

We have never been comfortable the presence she has in our head.  Blocks everything out. Always something so not right something unnatural and manufactured about her and what we feel about her. The fear she has that her daughters will function well enough to get far away has always seemed really obvious. Not that she intentionally got lost when driving Psycho to an interview in her teens, deliberately arranged any of the sexual abuse or wanted Alky to drink herself to death. We still pretty much feel that she doesn't do much intentionally other than the normal stuff people are supposed to do like keeping a clean house, paying bills and doing practical stuff for the kids now or working when she did that.

Recently the sense that the 'parents' actually did the worst of it is changing, we are seeing them dragged off, tied up, drugged up, locked away and other people putting on their clothes and wigs, it was done openly with the people talking and laughing about what they were going to do, to terrify, effectively.. And the
 'these are your parents, when you look at them you see your parents' which was longterm, a big aspect of it all and its associated with lots of agony we couldnt dissociate from perform by mostly men but always people who had status in rings.

In the eighties in the Glen in the first house we remember answering back when we could. Feisty, is not the word..

          These are your parents.

                 No their not.

          No. These people are your parents. This is your mum and dad - the people who are in the next room.

                But their not my parents.


By the time of the house in Aberdeenshire we didnt do much answering back but we just had to pretend we thought they were.  It was the parts they made, parts who were amnesiac of everything who only knew what they were told and believed it completely that could actually be convinced that a someone was someone other than they were.

With 'dad' some of us knew it wasn't him because that wasn't how B raped.. Not how he smelled, sounded, or hurt.

April 25, 2015

present, past, future, whatever..

 .. Its necessary isnt it? Logging onto here, seeing what comes out and where we end up..

Something else that was discussed in last therapy session was emotional education, love those words, love them in that order.. Its always been something that was so difficult to hold onto without having outside people talk to.  We would read or hear things that we felt had changed our understanding of ourself and the world completely because we knew where we where we would be would be able to see a way out but it would never last, sooner or later we would be dumb again.  The people around me not only didnt have any emotional education vocabulary they rejected any sign of it completely. We can still see the old triggers working in mother's eyes when we talk about having DID, expecting, hoping even that the thugs will be back to quieten down any of that sort of talk and relieve her of all responsibility.

A thing we keep finding ourselves coming back to, a part we cant unstuck maybe - we feel like we cant deal with any psychological problems that are causing the contractions and whatever when we dont have proper medical care. Although medical attention, drugs, emergency treatments etc would be denied and used as a means of controlling people as part of the ritualised abuse and trafficking we always knew that because we were being sold into more exclusive, more secretive, more rich people only markets we would receive the best care that's was available sooner or later. We often feel when therapist talks about trying to figure out the triggers for the pain that she isnt understanding how physical it is and of course we are decades beyond (or away from) the NHS being an actual option in provide any real answers.

 Yep. There's definitely a part that doesnt want to let go of the treatments or the sense of security that knowing eventually our need for physical care and good professional medical attention for all the injuries, traumas and stresses.

Fair whack of patriarchy there isnt there? The only relief from the very physical vulnerability comes from the same source thats inventing and enforcing the physical vulnerability to begin with.  No way out, they are in charge of all the exits and all the means to get anywhere near them.

She cant even see us. All there is petrification, all the energy she has left is completely focus doing whatever needs to be done, without seeing so she can get to the next patch of comfort, the next patch of being human even though she knows it will result in punishment that will put her back in the pitch blackness in flesh that operates without her. All there is trying to always remember to never forget to stay way from all the senses and all cognition all the time.  Its so hard all it takes sometimes so small and everyday like the warmth in a little patch of sunlight, the waft of cooking food, a babies laugh and she will forget to not be there and it will bad, so very bad.

Lots of the present tense in there. No wonder with our situation and the world as it is and trauma never that long ago or far away. What is it we do now? Oh yeah. we say we know we have it in us to help this part to get beyond the specific PTSD/mental health hook even though we dont believe it..

It would probably help if the external singletons downstairs would settle the fuck down.  I mean how many times do you need to say 'I'm tired and I'm grumpy..' 

messy healing

Back to having our breath taken away by how much we love the house, garden. The inside at the moment is proper midden but its not forever. Its not really frustrating us to much at the moment that paint and furniture is in the wee room exactly as it was delivered its been so goddam sunny.  Got tbeio be mentioned. Bought and wore shorts today. Just in our garden of course. Shorts. In April. In our garden.

Had to phone in the therapy session. Facetime it was alright. She maybe noticed that there was littles that were not generally out and about being drawn forward coz it was kind of funny looking at therapist on the little screen. Still think we would really benefit from having a space, a container that was just for the littles.  Its such a shame that the drama therapists we saw were so basically clueless about DID because they loved aspects of it, especially the one to one sessions and if it was so good for out harder to reach littles its likely to good for other systems to.  Its bad enough when there just doesnt seem to be any exit signs to get out of a bad place but when you see ways out but your barred from them it just compounds the misery.

Therapist still trying to get us to talk about the pain because its still really bad.

But when we try a little harder to tell her whats going on headwise she at least seems to agree that its still release.  Very extreme sessions were very regular sometimes and afterwards, between these sessions we had to not act like we were in any pain and go to school. In later years when there was no legal requirement for me to be registered and show up anywhere there was trouble with abusive GPs  when we tried to get help because it was so chronic, regardless of whatever was going on in the mind.

I know that in the earlier years after ovulation started some of us held onto the pain and still hold onto it as the only thing we have left of the babies and the truth, they were encouraged by some ring members to do this.

We try and explain that the parts who hold lots of the worst stuff cant really be talked to, not yet anyway they cant understand.  They have never really talked to like that, they just know the brutalisation, they never learned much or any language, they do not think of themselves of capable of language, they cant think of themselves at all. We cant see what else we can do for them but continue on more or less as we are and hope that eventually the comfort and hope filters down by doing what we can for all the rest of us.

Then theres the internalised abusers.  When the adults around you all show so much hate and desire to inflict pain on you, they must have a reason right? It cant be because they are bad because you cant make it to the end of the road on these little legs, they need to not be evil inorder to take care of you. So the hate gets replicated and this happens so early that even when your a big girl whoes legs could take you much further than the end of the road if they needed to and you know your not bad the hate and pain is still deep inside and wont go away.

We are sharing more of the programming, not all of it by any means, but theres that longterm connection between feeling ok, i.e accepting myself as a soul with DID no longer putting vast amounts of energy into not seeing or responding to the world around me or contents of our own mind, any sense of feeling connected to my body and hopeful about the future basically and agony. The agonies of sexual torture to be specific, not entirely gynaecological but mostly and the fear and helplessness and everything else that comes with it. This feels deeper, older than pregnancy heartbreaks but connected to it to. We dont feel any where nearer to dealing with it.

Other stuff feels a bit more dealt with, the brutal nights and afternoons with the uncle isnt hitting us as hard.  She didnt she know she already had DID. She knew she had a functional family but she also knew she was intelligent, caring and was excited about her education and the future that could bring her away from the family. Then she experienced horrific sexual violence from her uncle and all the rest of us coming in and out of her mind and body, complete strangers to her. What it was that made that particular program work so bloody well is at a level we are happy to be far from sharing or consciously processing in much detail at the moment.

Therapist would say how hard it must be for the parts that endured the worst of the programming, who understand the specifics of how it all worked, who could do what to who and what was done to us to make that possible, and we are starting to feel strong enough to genuinely reach out those parts, or those that will have us! and not completely buckle when they start to really open up and its unrelentingly physical and physiological horror being relayed like our wee man natters about whatever dualing card based animation he is into this week..

..

The seasons. They bring us to ourselves. We were taught to let us leave with the seasons to but we fight it when we can. We dont want our seasons controlled by the bad ladys. We know it doesnt have to be like .. because we are not seasons we are people.