December 04, 2016

December

He was one for encouraging us just to write and not care about it whether it was us or if it was true or not because it all helps us get to a place where we are us more and are grounded in reality instead the "truths" we have when we are too scared and in too much danger to remember..

The tree is up. It took ages and we remembered another reason why we like real ones you don't have to pull out each and every branch. Its six feet, reduced to fifty pounds glittered tipped and scratched up our hands like a real one. Pablo was as enthusiastic as he usually is about decorating it but he did make a pile of decorations for me to put up and put on his customary piece of tinsel that I don't want on it because I want the beads but he will notice if I remove it. We bickered a little but not too much as we have learned that he thinks Christmas is a bit messy and unnecessary.

It looks pretty great. We got even more wooden pine cone hemp string dangly things for the walls that were painted this year in the post hospital mania its all lovely in the livingroom. The kitchen is started. We have tidied up a bit, swept the floor and washed the bit the cats had repeatedly pissed on and put up our fake greenery and the lights we bought this year. Its hard to stay on top of it in there but we accept that and know it doesnt take much to tire us out and we will push it and end up in a real mess and how much better it is to avoid that.

Christmas for the kids up the road has been dawning on us. Poor tykes. Presents need to be sent. We can do that. Once we get more money and can order some. They are sitting in our amazon basket waiting for available funds. Prices rising.

We do love our Spotify in December. The spiritual list we do love that shit and it brings back rehearsals and celebrations that have happened in all kinds of far away from here places. Fabulous celebrations. People are often pretty receptive of our message of a multi cultural Winterfest.






November 29, 2016

So far I just can't see.

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration.

In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the little presents fit, wrap them and hang up the calendar.  Margo made the calendars and put christmas tress decorations in the pockets to hang each day and we have always wanted to put little presents in and have it all ready for the first but have never managed before. He's quite excited about it. He says he still believes in Santa and I believe him. I hope he wont hate me for lying..  I would of been subtler but Laura and Margo were never keen on that and when the kids were little and together at Christmas you can't really be telling them different things.

We got a letter from Grace and Tommy which brought up a lot of mixed feelings, glad that they are both alive but worried for them with such a horrible family, it triggered long term feelings of powerlessness over their safety and our own to. It brought a big smile to Pablo though and that was great to see. We will try and send up some tokens for their Christmas we arn't expecting anything for Pablo from any "adult" up there but it would be good to send them something to say we are still thinking of them.

We even txted friends from the ward. One of them phoned back and we answered, sounds like she is doing really well and we talked about meeting up. Promised ourself to phone another girl we have avoided calls from recently because she has so much energy and we are miserable. The CPN has arranged for the antidepressants to be put up. It's November and that is never much fun but we arnt in the self slashing place we were last year. Just miserable. A lot. Bullshit is being unpicked and truths rediscovered personally and there isn't any fears about doing or not doing something that would bring about a Trump presidency because thats already happened which is depressing as is the MSM supported rise in right wing white nationalist populism anywhere. It disgusts us. Deeply.

The not unexpected death of mad bastard Fidel hasn't exactly helped raise our spirits. There are people who feel as we do about the education and culture Pablo is getting. Hearing Western Capitalists claim a moral high ground on human rights isn't something we can tolerate. We know. We have and are experiencing their horrific crimes, their cover ups, their endemic corruption, their violence, their experiments, their systems of oppression, their theft and the hopelessness and voicelessness that results.

We are regretting our tweet about footballers and how it would off been much braver if they had disclosed to press when they still had careers. It wasn't Eric Bristow level of cuntyness but it was close. Raped footballers became rapist footballers in some cases, we were triggered and obviously felt some need to be horrible. Not that we have spotted any of our or Louise's rapists as the ones talking now but just like before we don't expect the scale of offences against children and gang rape in eighties or nineties in Britain to be exposed.

What else can we write about? We aren't reading but have ordered something that interests us and that means we were interested which is positive. We are struggling to hope for change, for contact but we are currently weedless and its often the case that we feel that way without it. We are grounding ourself in the wider realities of who we are and where we are from when we can but it all feels so far away with no means to get closer to anything or anyone. Nothing to do but wait and it feels like such as waste. Will put the decorations up over the weekend I think. That is something to do that will cheer us up and that means brandy season to if we can stretch to it, also a positive..






November 21, 2016

Until

Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway. 

We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape.

We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and difficult but not impossible.

November 07, 2016

Dire

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting.

Well maybe thats not entirely true DID complicates use it or lose and its not like we arn't making constant progress in reaching out and reintegrating parts of our self and the past but its not enough to help the unsupported CPTSD and situational depression. We feel the loses so much more than we do the wins. The wins are still out there happening to someone else the looses are here and now.

At least we are stable enough to take the meds and eat cook clean a little and sleep. We have made a start on the Santa shopping. For one. And there's going to be a conversation this week where we have to face what we were told in the hospital on the same hospital grounds and then bus it home alone.

It's the kind of thing that makes me pray for all the relationships we have or thought we had that happens quite a lot. We have to let go of so much to go through something like that. Too much to rebuild because everything is so different and too avoidable to leave any will to start something again.






October 19, 2016

Not For Earth

There isn't all that much we can say. We are slowly getting our mind back and are remembering who we are and where we have been, what we've done an who we did it with. Playing "Solid Rock" seems there was a lot of Dire Straits going on in places. We remember how we would celebrate if we got to the end of whatever ridiculous geological operation we were leading and no one died. So much spent uncomfortable in a crack in or between rocks. We brought people lighting tech, sustainable quality energy and hydroponics. Of course we are popular out there and when we weren' doing that were destroying all the Satanic bullshit minuscule or giant and putting stuff and people in places they needed to be.

Even though we almost always knew that the sources of anything that was good and real in our life was not local parts of us in the earlier times especially were so hopeful to find something that didn't confirm what we already knew about Earth's history and in the possibility of doing something out there that would change things down here. But more often as we got older we were happy to take that mission of looking for something that would change what seemed the mostly likely explanation from Earth with us there was a lot of overlap with our own mission anyway. It was awkward when we finally had to fess up when questioned about something that wasn't where they thought it would be and started explaining that after the inch by inch charting we had been testing out all kinds of highly destructive weaponry until there was nothing but dusk and a handful of rocks left.

There was a lot of disapproval and for a while there wasn't anyone on Earth being told anything and it wasn't as much fun anymore I was alone a lot. I no longer had support from Earth it was attempting to stop us and hunt us down. We don't know how many people were convinced of the truth that we were not being sent out there by people who wanted "the truth" there were plans for those sights we had seen them lived through a taster of what they did to people like me on them and knew how quick I was going to have to be to destroy them all before I got taken to one in state and would never leave. There has been some contact in recent years, some of it pretty emotional but there hasn't been much time to catch them up. I hope they got to keep their Atlases.

We did keep trying. All those agonies of realising this wasn't possible when we thought we were prepared for it. No matter what we showed them, what we told them, no matter what we destroyed or created the lies and the efforts to undermine our sense of self never ended, never took a break and it reaches us from so far. They would deny the basic facts of me standing in front of them, holding whatever we held in front of them saying the words we were saying. No information, no reality can sway them from the fictions they weave, they were made like that, that was what they are for because if they start responding to stimuli we had best get them out before something worse did and replaced them with something worse. We eggs and sperm to mostly marked as either male or female and nothing more and humans out to. Lucky bastards.

We can feel relief to now as well as the usual Earth terror. X knows about Y. A and B know about C. Dundee finally understands E. F wont me tricked by G anymore and we don't need to scared of H through to Z anymore. There is lots of life out there and most of it originally either escaped or was trafficked out of here. Beyond that we are too Earth bound to remember but it was the same everywhere, if I can help get them to a place where they could help us than they will. So we did and they have and we learned there was a "world" of people who were like us and appreciated us and were capable of so much growth and change. So much growth and so much change.

And your all coming back to get me out or make life liveable ASAP. I drew up names in their thousands. Sometimes agonising about who went and who stayed and other times just breathing deeply and zipping through it. Delegating and feeling so confident, so completely assured in everyone. It's going to be bad lonely though. Not on an important mission and have to get through lonely but in a bad place and something is going to get me if I move or if I stay still lonely.  

September 26, 2016

quite serious

We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn't happen as it would be impossible without being well integrated.  We feel to stretched between believing we will not be left here alone for ever and believing it's entirely impossible we will be. It's so hard to push ourself to get out there in anyway and it's pointless if we arn't going to be staying here but we know nothing solid about where or when or how we are getting out so doing nothing also feels like a pointless waste of time and a cause of avoidable stress.

Almost everything we know about ourself is in conflict with everything else and we have always been worried that the abusers who said it would all cancel itself out and we would be left where the put us with nothing could happen. Especially when we think about things like this up coming appointment.  We seem to feel like we "have" to go. We also feel like we have some self care concerns. We also still utterly terrified of the NHS because of the lack or exposure and accountability. It's on Thursday. We can't see us being much more integrated or any more able to adult by then.



 

September 17, 2016

scary, don't know, smile and just normal

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.

 We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child trauma specialists on the teams who were really good and understood looks already about being different people and learned about us really quickly. They had us drawing lots in particularly at the start but it wasn't until later that there was anyone who could organise any of it. We did it without asking and they could see us either smile or freeze up when we looked whatever we had drawn.  It didnt take them long to figure out that some of the pictures they assumed where bad memories because of the soldiers or the backgrounds that looked like they might be military weren't they were very much in the smile pile.

We were both worried and relieved at how quickly they seemed to figure so much out and how much closer to ourself and safer in our own skin we felt by talking about the drawings and helping them figure stuff out.  Later we told someone away from a group setting who was asking about one we had drawn of large bars of something that if it was a picture of a time when we were a slave we didn't think we would of drawn our hands in the picture also. We knew we were literally painting ourself future problems but we did it all to be human or to be able to be human one day and we knew it couldnt be helped and to try not censor to much. We knew we couldnt keep ourself sane any more than we could do all the work we needed to do by ourself anyway so we would be pretty candid about it when we were little. We thought we had to the first time we were found by police with lots of it. We thought it would end there but we would be ok and maybe end up safer if we just told the truth we were a kid after all. It didn't end there. They are some of my most trusted people still.

Not that we every thought of it as something that parts could just chat about. Some felt guilty that we were keeping something from people we felt close to until someone helped us to understand it was okay to keep somethings to myself I think they were probably trying to explain our right to privacy to us and were possibly stretching it a bit far. We were taken from them of course but made it back and saw some of them again. It wasn't easier to explain as we older of course. People would think it was something we had recently got involved with through people we were all working to get me away from. The disappointment in their some of their eyes made us really regret not having tried to explain to them when we were still little. It did start in away from our RA contacts but we as far as we know it was our mother who got us started and said we had no choice if we wanted to survive and not to pay her back and not to worry about the law.

Maybe we believed this more than it was true at times. We saw how close the drugs and the abuse networks were and knew we had to do everything we could to change that or there would be no way of ever dealing with the abuse. But like everything else there has been times when have been prone to loosing it all and have to either get it all back or at least people know they werent working with me and could be in horrible danger. It was the bloodline that makes it all go away and puts us here also though. But again maybe not as much we think. There's always more also extreme at play. But she told me I must never forget I was her daughter and its hard when your not sure about anything and almost everyone is almost always lying but she would open up to me and her mind was very real, and very amazing but she was always very clear with her words, life was hard enough nd violent enough for accepted Royals but it was even worse for bastards and never to trust anyone except my own men who I must trust with almost anything and they must trust me with everything.

When the figured out the soldiers werent always the bad guys in the pictures they agreed it was best to not talk about stuff that could help them be identified we really started trusting them. They had a boss who wasn't so nice of course as usual. We started being able to judge how evil the boss was going to be by how helpful the agents were. The better the agents the worse the boss. There were exceptions though. It must of been pretty horrendous on adults to have regular contact with children going through what we going through.

She could destroy all our fears that we would be abandoned in a "normal life" in an instance but it wasnt usually through reminding me of nice things. Of course when I saw or heard from her for real it triggered the amazing training and education she got us into whenever she could and we remembered them all as people instead of another colourful element in the shit storm that seemed to permanently engulf me that I was only sometimes aware of. There's no way it could all be true but we could get our heads around parts of it if be ignored everything else which of course isn't something I can do for any real length of time.

Of course there were people demanding in from early on. That mostly went the same way but at times they were organised and did us horrific physical damage and got in about out notes etc. and caused other major problems for years and must still be as I'm not currently writing this pool side in my own estate somewhere less north sea more med.

Can't remember what was in the "just normal" pile it would probably be too much for us right now. We are saying hello and not feeling to phobic of parts though. While still trying not ask ourself how much longer this will go on for. Like a kid kicking the back of the drivers chair and asking if we are there yet when we might have a good bit still to travel.

Dumb human brain.. ...