April 27, 2017

:-)

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually..

Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in the space left next to the pinks and we are pretty sure thats what it is we scooped some of it out with a dessert spoon and put in seedling tray.

We put a couple of the new stronger looking trailers out put them in the big hanger in the corner. Think amazon said the compost could be here today. Really going to try and give the honey suckle at least a hope of flowering this year. It says where it is and we keep getting flashbacks about looking after Margo's garden up in the shire when she had honey suckle or a few years and it still wasn't flowering. There is this image of us spilling miracle grow near it in way that made us suspicious. It was a lot and we spooned up a bit of it and then watered the rest in it was outside and in the ground so should probably be fine. It was when they were away we noticed the first hint of a bloom above where we had spilt the plant food.  So we added it to our plant watering regime at least it didn't involve carrying water up a attic ladder. A few of us did get quite nifty at that though and I think others may have spilt flower food on it in passing to. By the time they came back it was fucking glorious and we told her there was a surprise out the back. What a state she was in..

It is already quite fabulous out there in a cute kind of way. Still haven't built the bench yet will do though. Promised the lad we would do it together anyway. We have been encouraged a lot to get some butterfly bush for the bottom for privacy. When we were here talking about it one of the guys had to be briefed by one of the other guys that privacy stuff was exactly the kind of the thing we had been programmed not to do so doing it would cause massive anxiety and severe risk of attack. Then we all had to explain to him what programming is, being told not to do something repeatedly with extreme violence and starting when very small. Poor guy. He asked who by of course, well fascist minded people everywhere but it was the British, Russian and U.S networks that were the hard core and the hardest to crack.

A local example of that system came out the kitchen and the guy was viably freaked by it all. Not sure what happened next think the local example switched to violence mode and we stopped him said some shit and then he left, they all left. Cunts.

You would tell us to take it easy today wouldn't you.

Love you. Love you to Shaun.
xxx 

April 25, 2017

Hi Daddy!

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself.

We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up laughing at how switchy we were and then apologising, you said it was fine and we believed you. It was so right we were there together. Being together in a psychiatry unit, surrounded by other patients and their normal niceness or indifference or obvious out of it ness, we were glad of that.

 Then we remembered that we used to always feel like wherever we were was the most perfect place for us to be in if you were there to and you noticed our mood totally change and asked. We felt that lose again. How it felt when we were still physically little to miss you all the time and know that every day they were taking us further from each other and further from hope. To survive all the abuse and torture as people tried to make us talk about you, give up on you, hate you, believe you were someone else. We managed to swallow down whatever they were serving and say we were remembering how much we missed you.

You let us see then, the state you were in to and wished so much you could of stayed in the hospital to. Knocking back whatever they gave us and letting whatever they said wash over us for a week or two and then get the bus back here together.

Later on one of the louder patients said something about you looking like someone, as people generally do. I can't remember what was said but we are pretty sure it resolved into laughter in ways it doesn't and hasn't much elsewhere.

The dudes are alright huh? We figured they must be but when we saw them we had no concerns like that anyway, just about them and that was good because that is what we are like its how we like to lead. It was something else when they brought out an non you before you got here. It was obvious, really fucking obvious none of them had a fucking clue what was going on, who each other were or who they were working for. It's was beautiful watching them loudly clearly figure out between each other who they should contact for instructions. We couldn't handle how well it was going at times then we remembered and just felt depressed. If there was anything different about this time it would have to be protected by us acting like there definitely was nothing different about this time. We have felt impressed by us before and not just when we forgot than we had multiple multiples running all kinds of support and back up we had forgotten about but when we are so awake and so know what we are doing. We cried a bit for whatever had us so awake and at the same time because we knew they were going to making things worse with whatever anti psychotic they were going to put us on and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get out from under them.

There were times we really wished we were in a better state to appreciate what was unravelling around me but we knew they take their clues on how they treat us by the way we are acting so we had to stay very focused on the art of keeping the mother fuckers guessing and remember only what we needed to when we needed it. We know us. We plan like fuck and we go over and over because we had been trained hard in that when little and it never stopped. And this was it. We were to old and had a brain with to many survivor pathways for this shit to continue as it was.

One of the most uncomfortable things this past while has been the blog writing and blog writing programming that went on. We know the external and internal battles about writing or talking about you have been major. Not everyone would be in a state to know that wanting to writing about you was fucking suicidal but claiming DID amnesia and a centre that didn't give a fuck about any of it seem to be more and more effective over the years. As was the large scale complex fiction production to. We can't remember the location or language but we were somewhere a few of us, somewhere we would all rather not of been but if we had to be we knew needed our eyes open, we must of been being cared for. Some bloke is walking us through some military type place and he's talking about "Soviet" style propaganda tsumanis and "we" being the one of us visible of the three or four armed,covering and none of us feeling out of our depth says "Soviet? Don't you mean Murdoch style?" and took a punch in the face that had us on the floor that we were too gallus to see coming. He was quick. Not for long though.

We didn't black out, we considered where we were then and there and the whole wider and wider awfulness that we were all in, what had just happened and what the options where. We actually programmed a computer that we sometimes used when we were not sure of ourself. Did we need to kill this person in order for all of us to survive? We turned it off because after awhile because it just kept saying "Yes" about everyone. We suspected some brother or other had been used to hack it but that bull. Someone suggested that if it got as far as asking it then we probably knew the answer and we agreed, it was so depressing though we so wanted there to be other ways and we worked so hard to find those other ways but any let up at any age meant instant horrific loss.

We all tried so hard to stop things we needed to tell you but couldn't to go to other,. wrong people but it wasn't always possible.

That morning. When you were sleeping after that night before and we knew you had seen and knew enough to not just be overwhelmed and destroyed by it as everything and everyone is if they do not know how it works. And you saw it. After all those fucking years. You could truly see us and we would see the whole us. And have to leave again of course. There was a finality to it. Not of me and you but of all that that we could never believe could ever be over. We could talk about it with you. We had completely forgotten by the morning that of course you did not come alone how would that be even possible.. But the look of him when he came in.. We didn't need him to say anything. We didn't need to see him break but he did and we were glad he did it there with you and me.

The parting though. We got all self centred and pissed that we had done all this work to get our mental health back and know we had to help it, you into the back of a car and watch it drive away then walk back into an NHS psychiatric unit.

We kept looking up at the sky. It wasn't bothering us we just walked you out the building on a niceish day with no cover.We said didn't we? About the wishing he could stay and we could enjoy the countryside and the views together then go home here get Pabs look after him and potter about in the garden. One of the lads had not seen that part of us before and was a bit shocked to hear us say such things but his colleague was a bit more experienced and I think was laughing at him, then we laughed about it to..

Maybe soonish.

Love you. All of you.

Through all the Satanism and hate and ignorance they could find, create from all over the world at us and we still ended up together in a bed clean and fed and safe in the centre of everything and everyone they believed was theirs, giggling about it.






April 24, 2017

Your not our brother

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her.

Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around.

We did everything we could to stop them doing what they did to you but they always have very big numbers of previous victims keeping them safe and doing the work. We really hope it is over for you soon and everyone else who was broken and kept broken so the brain couldn't heal and forced you to do such horrific things over and over so you would never be able to remember who you were. We showed and screamed to so many nations, "both fucking sides" but they were usually too groomed and too conditioned to hear us or care. They knew its a horrible world out there and nothing, nothing would make them take any chances that may possibly lead to any aspect of their personal comfort and safety to be jeopardized. It matter how little the risk was and how great the gain could be. Privilege rules. The familiar is justified. 

I wish we could get out and take anyone decent with us and then end this satanic shit hole and all its rape bots and rape bot programmers permanently. Out there is teaming with life, hope, truth but Terra is death.

April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.



April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



...

April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)



Mum this is .. Daddy.

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most.

The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back to being a very special girl in a very awful situation as that was the truth anyway.

"Your mother" We were being asked again. "No not any of them the real one. We know she is alive and we know she is helping you." This was all fucking news to us and our face showed it. Something quick and strong in us they had just pushed whatever it was that they were using to knock us out and it all went black. When we came round we were confused and the system had all changed we tried to answer the questions as best they could. We watched their attitude and language to and around us change as we did until we knew we were ahead of them. They started the we are your friends but we are being forced to pretend we arn't routine which is so standard.

Once they had left we took a little moment to think about what has just happened and how many others had been asking the same questions. We had no option with the way the system worked and the way they forced the amnesia and then the faked the memories so all the victims believed they might be the youngest daughter in that family and had been with them their whole life we had to shut down all thoughts about her. It wouldn't be that hard we had all the systems in our head that made us amnesiac of our sisters and our kids.

We were generally not all that convinced she was until we saw the way they went after her and it reminded us of the way we had seen them go after us and we were convinced she was at least from the same systems and not lying to us about how much she was fighting them.

Writing this we remember a phone call when our head was so bust you could of said pretty much anything to us. What the voice said was that he wanted to remind us that we have a mother and she was on our side. We free to be little and cool about it. We said something about our Daddy finding her and he said yes Daddy found her. She would be helping us all as soon as possible.

We were quizzed of course, about the who and the what of the call but all we needed to do was leave the answering to most of the system because it had no idea what that call was about or who to or if it really happened.

We knew it would be long and awful night though once the quiz wondered off to discuss tactics with the staff and others. Any hint of "our real mother" and all the rings and abusers would get instantly and radically even worse and less survivable.

We survived though. Or at least some of us did.

Why the hell are we writing this now is it was always so dangerous before. Well systems have changed, like we keep saying when they get what the want and don't think we could possible jeopardize it they have other people to bother and leave us alone. We also have a sense of this being a part of our survival plans, like many posts have been, at times forced on us or just us or with someone else helping. We are hardly going to sit here forever with a big gaping hole in our being covering any do with having any mother at all, doing so much work with so many of us but leaving out those of us who remember or how anything about her.

We were as confident as we could be that we got the plan out to Mum when we got the confirmation through. The chances of someone else knowing that code was ridiculously small. Impossible even but numbers girl knew that but not that it was a good idea, emotion girl knew it was absolutely something we needed and had to do but would never feel convinced it was real.. We stood by the electric fire in the flat thinking on that before an ill fated attempt at something domestic in the kitchen.

"We know you were talking to your mother.."

We knew we would not of done anything to trigger an attack from these cunts if we did not think we could handle it. Little was quite frustrated when some of them ran away down the close and got away and we saw ourself standing there in the lobby outside our flat door and we knew we must of had contact with mother because whenever we did we got this glaring obvious self awareness that we didn't get at all when we had all thoughts of her safely at the back of an endless cupboard. That had to be a significant factor in why they were all so against her but it wasn't just that. Her very existence seemed to threaten them, all of them we never saw them unite quite like they did for anything or anyone else.

We weren't on our own when it finally did start to unravel. We had sisters and others there to help hold us together. We are not worried about that happening again because we know we have it up so it will happen gradually. We don't feel like we are endangering ourself particularly either. It feels the same lots of danger but we are maybe a bit less scared of it.