January 15, 2019

Louise

When Margo hugged me at Laura's funeral and we both sobbed I saw me wheeling you out of wherever we had hidden you, in your uniform, in your box. Somewhere in the US I think we had to get you out before the keys all got handed to brutal and stupid white male supremicists and knew we wouldn't get many opportunities to do so. We had a sense standing there against Margo after the line up as we saw us salute you and watch you fly off for the last time that Margo had maybe accepted it wasn't our fault you died and I lived, that she maybe even wanted us to live to show the rest of them that not everything goes their way. That she had forgiven us for not being able to save you but still managing to save ourself. Buy maybe it was all just projection or you.

They really didn't have to work so hard to get me to pretend at deep levels that I was you for years and years. We had to to survive still being in those situations without you, surrounded so much by people who were either calling me your name and pretending you never existed or worse. To survive having nothing and no one between ourself and what they were doing to our mother, what they used her for. You worked so hard to give us some breathing space from all that.

Now without you, without her there is no help with knowing they cut of her feat after we helped her walk, they cut of her hands because we helped her defend herself. Out of Fife the constant terrifying pressure to keep thinking like you and all the others didn't exist and it was always just us buy now we can remember how we screamed when we found you lying your side on the floor in that room in Skene with blood running down your cheeks and chin and over your nose.

They didn't take enough for you to not know what we did after a while. How we worked and worked to make you whole again or at least seem whole again.  You were too smart too passionate about the truth and knew yourseld too well to not peel back the layers and realise what had been done to you.

But we could give you some chance of defending yourself, we didnt think you were ready to go yet but mostly because we needed you. It was impossible to keep it forever and we knew it, you knew it. There was nothing and no one, no refuge no safety no one helping just endless attacks, abuse and torture from endless sources. We knew we had to let you go and we knew we had to hide how useless we would be without you from you.

It was after a round bedroom ring enforced electric shocks to the head that we realised we would have to pull ourself together enough to stop them from doing that again at least and too avoid as many pregnancies as could. You were with us anyway we had to live, for you and everyone else they destroyed and slaughtered. We knew we could arrange our parts too stay busy, stay focused on surviving we wouldn't have time to be present to remember anyway and we needed to not be ourself to not be conscious and knew it would be long time before we were anything close to safe and strong enough to do so.

During one of the recent summer evenings in Fife we were drinking looking out at the garden and whatever work we had done and working our dissociation to keep the words of the ranting over the fence away from the parts of us that needed to not hear the most. We were waiting for something specific from the old rotten hate bot and it came and we responded, something we rarely did with them.

"That was Louise."

We heard the muttering and the "whit did she say" between him and the women and sat back breathing slowly and strongly. Ready for what was going to come next. And sure it came, as loud as he could muster, we turned our head and focused on not hearing, not translating his words and let him confess and boast at the top of his lungs.

Then we got up, went inside locked the door behind us and went upstairs to weep and shake while still focusing on keeping parts apart and stop us from integrating too quickly, to keep those parts of us that he and so much of that community and others were built to destroy safe from them.

We are not there now though. We are in a pretty borders seaside town with no weed and a serious reduction in benefits knowing we don't have the need or strength to keep us apart any longer.


January 14, 2019

As comforting as a trafficker signing anti trafficking legislation

Phone conversation with GP today. Our notes arnt there yet unsurprisingly but he says he will chase them up and will probably refer us to mental health team without them if they take much longer. Tested his response to cannabis, was he going to treat us like an individual or was he pharmaceutical rep? Pharma rep unfortunately. My god how many times have we heard it, how many other people who have found it beneficial in terms of supporting genuine life quality "short term relief but studies show long term depression and paranoia" ...

Because as everyone knows there is no long term harm from painkillers be they anti inflammatory or narcotic or anti anxieties or sleeping pills or anti psychotics or antidepressants.. Off the top of our head doctors who have repeated the same lines about the dangers of cannabis without any interest in our specific and individual experiences have given us antidepressants in our teens that made us more suicidal and motivated to do something about it, antipsychotics that caused our heart to beat so fast the blood vessels in our eyes busted twice, once in our teens and then again in hospital, anti psychotics that made our weight balloon but did nothing else, antipsychotics that made us more depressed and made it harder for us to know the difference between reality and bullshit people told us, tramadol that we over used then took ourself of with the usual withdrawal symptoms of vomiting, sweating, achey limbs and exhaustion, sleeping pills that has the same effect as severe dissociation meaning we couldn't tell the difference between something we dreamed and real events, sleeping pills that cause serious heartburn, gabapetin with instructions to increase the dose at home, some of the accidental and intentional awful withdrawals for that are documented in this blog as well as the falls and the knowing that the short term benefits would not last long as we would and did start resenting its psychoactive effects quite quickly. Various anti depressants that did nothing or didnt work fast enough so we were too depressed to take them. Diazepam that we are thinking we are not gonna bother ordering again because we get so little benefit from it and it can make nightmares worse and be really triggering and of course the cocodomal with the constipation that aggregates the pain that is our reason for taking it in the first place and is well known to be habit forming and as physically addictive.

But cannabis is not something that can not be medically endorsed because that's the industry line. The same industry that as we read recently would rather electrocute people and teens in the head than give them talking therapists. We can see how that works, electricity is much cheaper than time and words and empathy. And is considered safe and effective by many processionals if not so much by the patients/victims. But the long term dangers of cannabis are so bad it shouldn't be used at all?!?

Some have shown some interested when we have said (and we are sticking to script because we can't see how else we can talk to docs that have be trained to believe that persistent delusional disorder is more likely than systematic abuse) we were given the anxiety and depression diagnosis before we started using and nothing, not antianxiety, not drink, not opiods stops suicidal feelings like it. Some have seemed interested and even seemed to change their position when we described how motivated, creative cannabis can have us and how it is the only thing that helps when we can't eat. It brings down our blood pressure and when we run out we may be miserable and very depressed but that beats depression and physical withdrawal and chronic pain and intrusive horrific memories at the same fucking time.

It makes us feel like a human being on a planet with lots of other not perfect damaged but hopeful human beings instead of a slave who exists outside justice and all other social systems with no chance of normal opportunities like friends, family, jobs, careers and who is only ever visible to our abusers.

January 13, 2019

Fuck "at least"

No mention of capability assessment yet but a good bit less than what we were getting before, no full housing benefit of course and they are taking 80 off a month because I can't work, moved home and needed to pay rent and eat while they work out how much unnecessary suffering they can get away with piling on people are already suffering. That five week bullshit is particulary nasty. Shitty for the unemployed and low waged but for us unfit its punishment for being alive and not having other sources of support. Its all so set up for people who can work, bugger all consideration for people who are trying but can't find fuck all and even less for disabled and chronically ill.

Was thinking about writing to ask for the rest of the money for rent because we can't move again and what we have is very suitable for my fucked up self and aspergersy son. Still working on the application for reduced housing benefit though. Hate it and struggling with it but I think its mostly done. People with power in British institutions played a very big part in enslaving and torturing me and violently extracting me from places where we were treated well and forcing me to live under a fake name with a fake family and in fake communities, they rendered me incapable of supporting myself while making sure we never see any justice then they make benefits system even more painful than it was.

Hey we moved out of Fife to a place we are not sickened and terrified by its not like they are not going to take something from us for that. Petty or evil that's all we get here.

January 10, 2019

Wear and tear

Yesterday we put the Xmas deco boxes up on a shelf and was really suffering with our hands later. They're sore most days now. Ended up doing a search on wear and tare arthritis, then osteoarthritis. Seriously shitty. Trying not to get to think about the causes and feel the fury or wonder about how much difference would it of made if the gabapentin falls, or the Dundee torture, or quite so much warring would of made. Counter factuals. Pointless.

Been watching a fair bit of MSNBC. They put a lot online and now we can actually watch and not feel exposure to thinking feeling humans just highlights our place and history even more. Occasionally check sky news website to see what UK is saying. Never for long though. If there is much real journalism going on over here its not easily found and we don't care enough to go hunting. Can't help but compare the response to President Savile over there to Brexit over here. Feels like UKs washed out, bleached absence of thinking feeling people gets highlighted more. Some twat MP saying UK will be fine with a no deal Brexit, because its Britain was the last straw. Course the upper middle class twats aren't worried, they've got resources and networks with resources and are mostly beyond the law anyway. Not much interest and certainly no big high profile investigations into "foreign interference" and nefariousness over here. No one cares about what has already been exposed.

Not surprising considering "Britishness" is nothing but foreign interference and nefariousness. Everything its every had and still has, its values its prosperity are all built on slavery and inhumane injustice and its so engendered for so long its completely  "normal" that most people and everyone with any power is incapable of questioning it. Lest wonder and envision what this archipelago could be if it just faced up to and fessed up to having intimate knowledge of the demon at the the heart of everything.

Walked for a while today round this pretty pretty town, when we got back our T-shirt was as soaked against the fake fur inside our new actually fits coat like we just woke up from a nightmare. Had to sleep after that and munching on some of cheap luxury chocolate biscuits. Quadruple chocolate. Super tasty. Not exactly a balanced lunch but we ate salad and baby potatoes for tea. Wish we could handle some kind of real lunch though.

Finished Snicket with the lad yesterday. Fairly brilliant. Something the narrator said about events being like the tide kind of struck us, has us more here, waiting differently than we how we have waited before. Not as certain as we always have of been and had hide from ourself that "this" will end but it will be costly and exhausting and lonely and grossly unfair.

Meanwhile its January and we know in January we focus on essential tasks and plan as little as possible and do all we can to not torture ourself with the "shoulds" and "I wishes"...

There is always so many I wishes. But not as many or as urgent I needs as there used to be.

January 05, 2019

Can't coz of nightmares.

Would much rather we saw 0 views on our stats rather than the handful we get and "porn" in the referring sites. Soulless necrophiliac subhumans, fuck off and as there is bound to be involvement coz they usually are fuck off annihilated Fascist Russians. Its not my fault your walking corpses that can't think or feel anything that you wasn't preprogrammed. We always fought and tried to help people understand that shit. Your always gonna hate us though because we survived and you didn't and hating us is what your for.

Incarceration dreams. Bad enough but then the guards are either unchallenged sexual torturers or being victimised to and making no attempt to help anyone else. A woman held over a table as a guy came behind her with a knife. Thankfully the dream moved on down a corridor as he approached her .Condoms, blood, organs and shit all over the floors. Someone picks up one of the condoms and there's a penis in it, a voice shouts out "oi thats my penis" doesn't matter if they lose the appendage a man is still a man without it, still has his man voice, man friends, man networks and everything thing else dolled out by male privilege. Think we can partly thank aspects of the media for that last bit, who hasn't been wondering how that Bobbit cunt is getting on? Very few fucking people we suspect has been wondering and would prefer to never hear about it again.

The Scottish accents in the dream.. We've mentioned before how if we are honest and even though its how we talk if we can talk at all, they are all deeply triggering. Like we have no good associations with any of them at all. And our own isn't ours like its something we picked up, something that grew on us but instead was stamped on us through endless torture and torturing and murdering decent people in front of us when we didn't talk like that or refused or couldn't be what we were being instructed to be. It took a long time for them to make us what we are today. They had to use everyone and everything they got.

Other teams coming in and saying they were doing everything they could and were oh so sorry but everything would be okay one day... Or that by being exposed to everything they had we would be able to find and destroy everything they have, there was some truth in that but its an after that fact truth not like anyone would submit to everything for that ridiculous reason. There is no way these are real people was something we thought a lot about them. Our mother was being cut up, wired up, experimented on and tortured simultaneously and we knew when they entered the room or brought us round which ones had access to us both. There was efforts to get us in the same place and we didn't think we could survive that. Don't know if it didn't happen or if it did and we just severely dissociated and haven't really been back since.

 They don't got much left though and that means we gotta stop the ops and speeches and try and feel everything we have been numb to or risk being controlled by friggin trigger words coming out the gobs of various kinds of desperate addicts and broken fools we've never met before or have never hurt us before.

Hate using the codiene for emotional misery but its all we have and we don't need to be crying all day. Not like the physical pain isn't around of course though just wish we could be taking less of the pills so when we do use them they help a good bit instead of a tiny bit.

This is another step we remind ourself, from literal chains to literal thriving. We are not going to live the entire rest of our life without cannabis and when we eventually to get some, we will be smoking as someone who is not resident in Scotland and that is gonna make it all the more awesomer. Oh wow to feel alive and whole again. To feel hurt, damaged but alive and kicking, not spilt and carved up into pieces by competing forces for contradictory purposes. Its gonna be so good. At some point..

We miss Louise so much. Love you Louise. Probably worth spending a few pounds on the game we are into at the moment even though we are worried about money coz of fucking universal credit.

January 04, 2019

Tomorrow... Maybe. Or the day after..

Sleep patterns, other usual issues and general Januaryism means that for three days in a row we have said we are going out tomorrow and it hasn't happened. Not feeling too bad about it though we did find somewhere and flit at the end of the year. That involved lots of feeling physically, mentally and absolutely emotionally unable to do stuff but having to do it anyway and that takes a while to get over.

Trying not to reject or be utterly overwhelmed by the bits and pieces of past that are now free to bubble up. Acknowledge and let them float back down whenever possible. The important stuff, important people to us and their deaths are not gonna be like that and we are scared of what our mind is going to dig up and refuse to hide anymore and how the hell we are gonna cope with that without anyone or anything to help.

We are able to acknowledge a sense of feeling safer, securer even. Watching news from the states is helping that. Seeing the diversity voted for and sworn into the House. The connection between the Dumpster and the far right Russian authorities is very obvious and public and we might still be very alone we don't feel it like we did when the networks where extremely active doing everything the could to break us, silence and kill us off and coming very close to doing so. They did a good job breaking any hope we had for being helped but didn't realise they wouldn't kill us as much as brings has back to who we were and what we understood and how we were educated in the beginning.

We don't long for the UK to be exposed like we used to. Brexit exposing it as an ignorant, arrogant, delusional spoilt brat and has been at the same time has helped in that. Also just good ole fashioned giving up coz its a hopeless case. Did enjoy the line in Happy about men who sexually abuse children being put on the TV nowadays. A few times the show was pretty spot on from our perspective. Loved the old soothsayer Italian granny to, especially the stuff about the ball of wool/talisman and the unraveling. Pretty neat.

Parts are waking up and screaming for hugs again, which has the rest of us just needing weed even more and being disgusted that for all we did and the times we explained stuff and worked with people not one has or will help us out. We are so disgusted by the way the NHS has treated us and others in particular, shouting in our dreams about how harmful the gabapentin was. It has contributed to the state of our hands to because a common side effect is being unsteady on your feat and we lived in a three story house so falls were as inevitable as putting your hands out to break or stop the fall.

Then of course there is the fact that because we have persistently talked about trafficking and rape it has been officially recorded as proof of the persistent nature of our delusional disorder.. Not everyone has talked to us like that though, just all the people in a position to diagnose our mental health.

Chinese New Year inspired update for our current favourite hidden object game though. Its quite beautiful, loving the music to. Think dude has forgotten about Snicket and we are not reminding him, we find the toddler captivity and enslavement gets to us quite badly for quite a while after watching. Maybe its time to try EMDR again, we got some new headphones that actually fit our little lugs. Still though all the solo sempre seriously limits what we can do for ourself. Your all bastards.








January 03, 2019

Where you at bro?

She's over the border. Everything she said would happen has happened. You out for good now coz your all cozy and you got back up? She don't. She probably does if someone tries to take her or the kid out but no one she can call if she just knows or thinks their on their way. She lost her sisters coz everyone pretending they all threatened and like she and her sisters didn't tell you all you needed to know and the only things you could do and how much a little difference makes to us out here. Taking the easy road huh? Just gonna stumble into that ditch like you sleep walking, like you can't see and smell and feel where you are coz death, being nothing is better than facing truth, the whole truth of what they are, what she is and her sisters were, what you were, what you is and what you almost was? Nothing scarier than eyeing that mirror awaken huh? Don't worry you got lots around you to keep you under and keep you pretending all of her and most of you ain't real. Not as real as what you got anyway, cash, credit, family, friends, career, healthcare, you got all you need and she just like her sisters they murdered is someone else's problem. But you know. You know coz you seen it, coz they pulled you through it, there ain't nothing fighting for them down here. Elsewhere though. That's different. And they know whatever deals you made and making and they see all her wars and all she done and everything that anyone has done to her. Their not on their own so they can hear and see and count and keep it all and they are for her and hers, forever coz they know shes all we got.

Cheers.


January 02, 2019

19. Okay.

Its alright actually, we pigged out watched some 99, played a board game, had a little boogie and pulled crackers at midnight. Laura picked up the tradition of opening the back door to let the old year leave and opening the front to let the new one in. I always thought it was a cool one so we did that. It was crazy mild. I stood and smoked some nicotine out the front and watched patches of fireworks and listened to the bells it was lovely. Missed church bells on Christmas day, probably because I had to go back to bed because I had only just got to sleep when he came through. He's too old for Santa but I think it's important to carry on with some stuff, like waiting until he's asleep before filling the stocking and putting presents under the tree. Tricky with his holiday nocturnal behavior though.

We suggested going for a walk it was so not freezing last night but it got rejected. So we played his dungeons and dragons mixed with Pokemon and stuff he's had read game for a bit. Want to encourage his imagination but its difficult playing a game with someone whose making it up as they go along and your attempt to contribute tends to be shot down instantly. There's only so long we had handle all the battle talk anyway.

Doing that thing we always do now. Looking around the room and planning to do way more tomorrow than we can. Getting outside for a walk is high priority as well as tidying up our room, and of course the dishes from today. Very decent stew and mashed tatties. Don't think there is much of any left now that amount of times we have heard pot lids opening and closing. Instructed him to brush his teeth after finding him biting into the second of a bought fruit cake. Not a huge one but still that boy can eat.

So can we. But not particulary sensibly. Suffering a bit with feeling uncomfortably full and still feeling the same hours later. Craving salad. Did manage to get some clothes that actually fit us as we haven't bought much at all since we were a size 10 and are not currently a size 10. Forget how comfortable clothes can be and how nice it is to not be pulling clothes up and down to stretch over exposed areas. Need a new winter coat really it's getting pretty difficult to zip the current one up and we've had it for years. Its already ripped in an armpit after trying to get pabs  of the floor going into nursery in Dundee, when we were heavier than when we bought it then to. Some nasty little fucker with a nasty sick mom had ruined his time their and he didn't want to go in anymore. Middle school is all about the uniform though and he's growing out of all his clothes to so think it will need to wait.

We do have cozy comfy jammies bottoms though and are so glad. Loving the fleece jumper for smoking in we picked up in a charity shop when looking fornjewels for the treasure chest.

Better remember and brush our own teeth too, and take our inhaler. Been rebelling against all that which is pointless because its only us that will suffer more because of it.

Brain is filling up with musts, shoulds and betters now that the big dates are past and that just makes our body sigh and long for support.

December 30, 2018

Hands

They're keeping me awake. Got as much out of the voltarole tube as we can better remember and get more tomorrow. We built the playmobil pyramid its very cool, particulary the skeleton that fits inside the mummy that fits inside the sarcofagus. We said it was like a cool Russia doll. He said they were called Russian nesting dolls so we said if it wasn't Xmas he might of got a mansplaining ear flick for that. It wasn't liked it was the first time in that hour/day that he corrected without any real need. It gets a bit relentless at times. We've said before it can really bring us down. Particulary when we really struggling with mood and pain and really forcing ourself to do essential stuff.

Was hoping to avoid taking more codiene at least until after we have slept but the pain and all the associated memories and misery have made that impossible. Trying not think of the stuff that we never got to do much outside of the trafficking that this pain means we are highly unlikely to be able to do just for ourself, like playing musical instruments. For sure all those studio hours and the disgusting inhumane treatment and violence that came with them is a factor.

It was always as much about keeping is exhausted so we couldn't do much of anything that we wanted to do, couldn't defend ourself from the rapes and the pregnancies, keeping us to traumatised, run down, exhausted and in pain to run as well us making us hate and be triggered by things other people find entertaining or relaxing as it was about the money from the music. Same as with my ancestors and others in similar systems. The using the money made from forcing us to work to keep us in situations where we couldn't escape or grow or be was and is something that makes them very smug. They make you pay for them to keep you a slave.

We would ask then what the point of it all was sometimes when we could. More playing naive than asking a genuine question. The ones that were arranging and protecting those were terrified of us, of our mother of everything we were and everything we could do. Long ago something powerful had said they must enslave, they must commit genocide, they must destroy and strip cultures we can't remember what the threat was but they were long gone and the circles were fought over and controlled by those that knew or suspected forcing the slaves to convince their slavers of some great power that required the slavery.

The slaves were too dissociated and surrounded to understand it was their power or how they could use it to defend themselves. We were told that we would need to explain as much as we could to as many as we could not because we would be able to reach them but so we would understand they were unreachable and the destruction caused by trauma, abuse, enslavement over decades in an individual and over generations and millennia in humans.

We had it all explained to us in great detail, why they made us, why they had to leave us in hell, why the needed us to do what the needed us to do and why we had to survive and how that was only possible by believing they and so much more were out there even when we could see or hear no trace of them. You will be on your own they said and will be made to feel like nothing matters, that you don't matter but you matter more than anything, even more than us.

The "even more than us, much more" shocked us.

Keep looking at the stars and hoping

Little Prince was quite wonderful. Might have to force the dude to watch it with me next time, watched Kubo again with him today and enjoyed it again. Did pay a little more attention to the names in the credits this time and beyond George Takai couldn't spot any that looked even vaguely Asian and that bugged. Did remind us of a phone call in Dundee and making a joke about anyone who has even been on holiday East of Africa not being barred from the studio. We miss parts being front and center that aren't English speakers and we miss they people they talked to. Its why we are kept isolated the less people we speak to, the less of us can communicate internally or externally amongst ourselves. The cannbinoids couldn't allow us to switch languages and cultures that takes prior scheduling, big changes in environment or serious need but it does give us a much wider sense of who we are and where we have been and it's not going to stop being heartbreaking trapped in a dark corner of our own self. We never going to stop yearning and needing all of us and all our cultures.

Its something though to be in a place where we can actually feel some positivity about the future and a new year without bullshitting ourself. Not that we can just start miraculously recovering but genuine possibility of less harm and constant retraumatising is a real possibility. Physical health wise we trying to accept that we are not going to be able to do as much walking as we wish we could. The bladder problems, the uterus issues are not going to get better and neither are our hands but walking won't bother them at least although house work will but we have much less to tidy and keep vaguely hygienic, haven't stopped feeling grateful for that.

Mentally we know what happens when you get some distance between yourself and the places and people that you associate with horror - you remember more of the horror.. It wasn't so long ago that that felt unsurvivable on our own and we are dreading it but not stupefied by knowing its likely on the way. Some cannabis sometimes (yes we are going to keep mentioning it) would make so much difference to how badly and for how long we are floored by it.

Don't know if this will be the last post of 2018. Maybe, either way happy new year us, your doing great. May 2019 bring real positive changes without us taking major risks, exhausting, triggering or otherwise crippling ourself to make it happen.

3 Christmas cards. From our new neighbours. 


December 26, 2018

Chill

Thinking or feeling rather that the stuffing balls may of been undercooked and that's why we've got the upset tum. Not taking the kettle to the bathroom to fill it anymore. Just using a cup that can fit under the kitchen tap and using it to get enough water in the kettle. The lad has no problem with a lazy day. Never does. Or at least not since he was three or four and said he wanted to go to park but we couldn't but didn't say it was because it was too fucking dangerous and I was to weak to feel I could deal with whatever was threatened. He never asked again. It's always gonna hurt remembering that and how dejected he looked when we said sorry, no.

Now Christmas day has past we are able to have the kind of boxing day we love, close to a loved one but mostly by ourself, listening to chilled music, looking out the window, napping. Our hands and our back and our everything else needed a break. The tattie peeling has been particulary painful but it meant today both him and us could eat mash with gravy and the last of the pastry. He had meat to. We passed on that.

Kind of remarkable we got here by ourself. Been reflecting on that. There's no regrets from the him about it like there was when we first took him away from the extended family and his cousins. He loves the seaside as much as we do and doesn't hate school anymore. Don't know when we will stop feeling massive relief that he won't be going to a Glenrothes secondary, maybe never. There are times when we feel like we did about living next door to such awfulness and evilness and we can remind ourself we are not there anymore and every time it seems to sink in a little deeper. No wonder the sky seems bigger and brighter. No wonder we are sleeping better. But horrific nature of the domestic, legal, financial and political scenes and schemes that put us there isn't something we can forgive or forget or feel us and other people are safe from.

Stunt dreams I think last night. Roller blading in a big building at serious speeds. Bastards. Guess the slavers got all the money for that or maybe there are still languishing accounts we have no hope of ever getting to access to. Usual sex scenes on TV being in our dreams. The horrible sexual frustration of rape is ever present in them and every time we wake up from those dreams we feel a bit more acceptance that a sex life isn't for us and we feel safer knowing more and more of us feel the same way about it and understand why.

 Its not doubts we would ever have a genuine opportunity for a physically intimate sexual loving relationship but maybe we would if we could anymore, we don't want or need one. We cant see or feel any overlap between sex and and love with us, here. There is no escape from "sex/power/money/hate/patriarchy" so its not for us and we feel no need to mourn that. But at lot of mourning for the loss of life, science, art and culture of all kind that were and are irrevocably destroyed or chained in order to make things the way they are and to keep them this way.

 Not all of us feel as comfortable about no more babies and never getting to experience pregnancy without isolation and lack of support and tonnes of trauma and terror for myself and the unborn. Thinking about that just fills us with hate and disgust for the privileged and controlled populations of this planet. They had a fucking choice when so many never have.

We remember the tears of our friends when we returned and said they were right about everything and they said they wished they weren't, we could see they truly meant it and felt it burn as much as it does us.

As much as it has some of us rolling our eyes we've been thinking about a Daddy and wondering if he can hear us now.

Winterfest guts

Not at all surprising. If we just keep eating and drinking we won't feel so much or want to cry!! It doesn't work much. Back on the tea now, no cream no cinnamon no honey no brandy, just nice plain tea. Lad seems pretty chuffed with his haul. The playmobil Hickup and Toothless is particulary cool. Built the pirate ship its not bad, especially as we put a girl pirate on it. The pyramid will have to wait. Think it will be a little trickier to build as its got a few moving parts but that's what makes it so cool. Sweets, shinny things, soft fluffy things and super smash bros. Essentials covered.

Cooking is tricky enough in a decent sized kitchen but in the mini one it wasn't easier. There is the grill space to keep things warm though so that helped. We've been using his big desk to eat the big meals. This was the 21st..
 Works not to bad.

There was only so many times we could walk past the unicorn moulds..

Can hear him getting in about the left overs at the moment. Don't have a problem with that. There's heaps. Just as well coz there is no fucking way we are cooking tomorrow after washing up after today. Had to use the bathroom sink to fill the kettle as the kitchen sink is too filled with trays.

Couple of times we had to tell him to cut back on the attitude. Its hard to not be brought down by it but if he's not over tired he does make an effort after we have told him to cut it out coz it adds considerably to moms shitty health.

Been on some walks with him to which I wish didn't involve so much calculation in terms of needing to pee constantly and how tired we will be when there is lots to do at home. Needed though not just for our mental health either we put on a fair bit of weight when we were cut off/cut our self off from cannabis back in September. Activity levels plummeted and empty calories increased. Gonna have buy clothes that fit at some point..


And since we are done hiding landmarks here's the one for the day of the lease signing. We are quite proud of it. Not that involved any skill. We just stopped walking and took the pic.

Trying not to dread the lonely cannabisless hogmany. Got a few board games. Might ban the kid from extensive hours of whatever he's into by him self because the smosh and the theory guys really really bug us.


Been watching Happy to. Kind of cool. Cept the for the usual displaying of severe DID symptoms only in abusers. The debauchery scenes are pretty short and we love the invisible friend, we identify quite a lot with the blue unicorn, and the lost it killer cop as well as the girl in the box.







December 20, 2018

Poor Princess

Knew it wasn't gonna be good when we saw "cat lady" come up on the phone. Jess is okay she was always cooler with us not being around for a while. Prince as they are calling him is still suffering. Hiding all the time and scratched some one. Checked with the agency landlord won't budge on the no pets. Kind of had is in right state yesterday after the call. Too upset to sleep which is a shame because we've been sleeping much better and now that pattern is all ruined. The lad was up with a funny tummy and is fevered today so all we had to do at half eight is leave a message and say he won't be coming in. Good in terms of having to organise him after only a few hours sleep scuppered my pub plans though. Might of ditched the idea because of anxiety anyway.

Did go out for milk though and a couple more stocking fillers and a new fluffy blanket to try and comfort and calm us. So fucking sick and pissed of at being so weepy and close to tears so much of the fucking time. I don't want pain killers even though I'm in pain, don't want antianxiety pills even though I'm anxious. We are taking the antidepressants and we probably wouldn't of managed the flat finding and flit without them but any increase in activity seems to result in feeling more upset. I'm not sure if even the antidepressants if they put us up to the max dose are gonna help much with that. Better give the booze a break to.

Its horrible feeling upset all the time and knowing there is something that fixes that but we can't get it.

Watched a cool Japanese/American film last night, pabs  choice it was pretty fabulous can't remember what it was called, named after then main kid in it. The mom had serious dissociation issues, we felt comforted seeing that. He got his her and his hero warrior dad back in the end though. Felt a bit for Pabs then and us.