September 01, 2015

Sent an email to ask about advocacy today. Not easy. Need help. 

We may of made some kind of forced to attemp last year but we where so splintered & petrified. The "landlord" and his assistant turned up at the door again. Still telling me to tidy up when I can't etc .. 

Boiler has been fixed though! Showers are now possible without standing shivering as the water loses temp then heats up again. 

Place is a bit better today because N was done and did some work, built the TV unit and put up the curtain rail that have been in boxes for months. 

It will never feel safe just us and wee man here with all these triggers but there are maybe signs that some of us are starting to feel a bit better.  At least the year is over. A long way from being able to spend that much time engaged in something other than trying not to drown but we have been spending  slightly less time under duvet.  Wee man will slowly get one parent back and that is something here and now. 

Obviously though any extra major horribleness has to be avoided and we only have limited (at best) influence over that. 

Been colouring again. Got fabulous pens. And metal wall art that matches all the other flowers and stuff in there. It says 'Love'. It's not on wall yet.

August 24, 2015

..don't worry..

Landlords assistant txted about the rent difference. We asked about the boiler and got a txt back saying the landlord would be coming round for a viewing so the place should be cleaner. Txted back pissed off. None of the work that was supposed to get down has been done. He's a bullying cunt. Hate people like that . Just coz he's a bloke with some dosh we thinks he's entitled to lie and fuck with people. What fucking use is hot water that runs cold every couple of minutes. It's hard enough for us to persuade ourself into shower as it is.. Years of the same shit, work that's going to get done but is never mentioned again. Waiting for workers that don't show. He was horrible last time. We were already down. It was February.

Joys of school term. Hassled for dinner money. Can't face council offices. Can't handle school triggers. Can't handle the isolation. 

Been thinking little about painting kitchen. But can't commit to staying here. Like this. Can't think of a way out. 

August 21, 2015


How long do we have to spend rumaging though the detritus. Picking through hands to find one with the rest of a person attached and a pulse inside. I've a giant bunch of keys but it's an ancient lock and probably just another sick game another aptitude test or part of remember your ours weekend of tricks triggers and torture. 
Nothing they are going to give us will get us out of here but sometimes you have no option but to play along like you don't know what's coming or that we can hear a word that's said. 

But we can't do it alone from here. All those little broken hearts all the little uses shadowing and trailing in the trees. So small to be alone to be so good at hiding so close to the ground but still  see further than we can dream.

They should be with us instead of standing semi conscious in lines never far from each other with brains battered into never seeing each other. For decades as the other kids laugh through  us. Trailing lives that burn up everything that they need to be anything than another set of unidentifable fragments.

There is only so much cataloging a mind can can do before it's classified it's self out of existence. No one can look in the mirror  and still pretend that being rational is a thing. 

August 02, 2015

10th of August

It wasn't the time to be thinking about where all this shit came from. Not for us anyway. Some of what happened to mum she never let me see. She said we had to trust her and we did. Usually. I'd seen how hard she fought to stop me knowing and felt her terror when it looked like I might see so we never looked now matter how hard people tried to make us. We did our time tracing this terror back through the wars and further of course what with mother and her friends' files we were allowed to see and lots more across the globe but there was still a sense of not knowing and had asked her is the stuff she would never tell us had something to do with the 10th of August and she agreed. It didnt take too many years of survivng the worst days or given getting through the quieter times that you often had to let everything you thought you knew to be real.

Especially in August. 

Getting through it meant abandoning all sense of the past rather than watch as all your safe places were turned torture chambers. Nothing feels less like your flesh, less like the present than your body in the here and now and its almost understandable how so many people het washed under and end up as nothing but obstacles for those fighting to keep their heads above water.

It was a insect of a question. Everyone flicking and willing it to go pester some other bastards there would no answers to help any of us any time soon. It was partly our dreaded curiosity to but I knew the whole 'no safety, no truth' thing wasn't some smeegle like clutch to a life that was long ago impossible. I had no choice but to take this ridiculous mind, the Resistance, the ridiculous circumstances and mass scale crimes against humanity seriously.

The abusers were very early on the scene when we were very little. We would of managed not to tell them everything. I hope, we didnt know what condition mother was in and had looked for her protection when she was already calling for mine.  There wasn't any time or energy this time last year to be getting deeply into anything that was crucial. Too many operations at crucial stages, and too many people trying to determine our future or kill us.

'What is it about the 10th August anyway?'

Bowbly centre's 'Ritual and Abuse and mind control' seemed a good place to start but its section on August on Lammas and of course heaps of other horrors but no specfic mention of the 10th.  As someone who attended classical British education establishments the next step was not Wikipeadia it was Encyclopaedia Britannica which was of course useless. The first entry on Wiki is as many of you readers well already know fine is the 10th of August is 'shorthand for the Tuiliers Palace'.. i.e. the French Revolution..

We often try and remember the few French Revolution lectures we made it to but there were awful times.

As we have stated at times in many ways we are left wing in a give a uniform (or just a weapon) kind of a way. On the other hand history has demonstrated by any dumbasses reconing that cutting the heads of whoever happens to be born or married into to situations where they have bits of paper that says they own more shit that anyone could ever manage does not lead to an end to widespread hunger and injustice. Its those in a position to benefit the most of the old pre determined, short term, self destructive bullshit continues as well those who feel they commited such gross acts that they deserve the power and who vomit at the thought of actual news papers, TV stations and web sites printing, showing and discussing actual things that have or are happening in an vaguely informed and wholestic manner.

There is of course the ever present all kinds of horrific satanic horrors who have exploited issues relating to my own bloodline and social life which it comes to the 10th.. I dont have the documentation to hand. I just have actual DNA. And a skill set that most people prefer not to go against if we are feel very confident of a course of action..

most people..

if they are in their right mind..

Random association time -"August the 10th" 'I hate the fucking press'

For us.  All of us. It was always inescapable We would all work with everything we could to stay blind to the associations we were all being bombarded with in very co-ordinated ways. Using every trick we could to manipluate our consciousness away from knowing it was August. We were all in pieces, you can see it peoples eyes when you walk outside or try to talk to someone. Everyone buried so deep inside themselves its impossible to know who is safe and who isnt. When their plans and scenes really start up it was impossible to keep an eye on yourself and all the parts of yourself that they may well know all about as they created them but no one has told you.  So easy for them to find a way in, a deeply traumatised little, a triggered blind action procedure, an E.P that has been waiting and hiding for years, even hearing a word can initiate mental and emotional processes that even those who understand all the precise procedures, tech and corruption can still not get out of and if your on your own, already ill, in danger etc.. yikes..

 It was that feeling all the your work all the effort to build bridges inside ourselves and between each other and we would feel it unravel back to previous state, like there can been no fighting, no running,  no learning, no healing that made us think fuck this a few times. Some bastard or bastards would turn up last minute though and show us what we had achieved, what was only going to get better and it was because of us and that is would get better, even though we had been told it million times. Things have to change. No matter what.

They take away what we build to survive and then they gloat about it through the life styles, careers and choices of the people who are supposed to protect us.

We would be told by them that turned up after the worst had been cleaned up that it was just programming, we were just being made to feel that way, that it wasn't real. That they were police, MI5, CIA, FBI etc and they were going help us but they needed our help to explain what happened and to gather more evidence. But that was ridiculous. We all had to stop feeling and not let them catch you thinking. Everyone knew long before puberty that this was utter shit. These people were the worst. Most other kids stopped talking to anyone but our abusers would all still be making us all talk. I had my mother though. Driving us forward. Forcing us to run when we would rather of just let them kill us.

The only way to break the power over everyone was to find out peoples worst triggers, the stuff that made completely dissociate any time rendering them totally fucking vulnerable to any well know or experimental techniques aimed at the destruction of the individual's sense of self. Or in laymens terms when shit is at its worst and you have been targeted they may have doing things you never thought you were capable of such as child sexual abuse or murder. How? because your abusers and all those who have seen the tapes no exactly what was done and said even it you dont and they can trick your poor flesh acting out what was done to you on another child. Actually there are more steps and a longterm fuck with you campign to build up to events up but when we described there is something that sick cunts get involved in and attempt while terrify children into thinking they can do it all the time whenever they want.

One of the simpliest and worst is using triggers of all kinds to distract adult survivors so they can grab their bairns. Absolute nightmare that one.

Some people didn't want to where they have been. It woulnt matter how much I or anyone else explained them how it was important that they acknowledge it and that does not mean reliving it and that they needed to everything they could to look after themselves because once anyone was was captured they would be used for the worst. Sometimes they would return them in their big shinny cars, gloating and laughing loudly, no more bother from that one...  

The worst of the deaths, the tortures would recorded to be used to trigger, to be manipulated to make those involved look different, and other uses of course..

Some of us are curios as to why the 10th of August is not mentioned Epstein and Schwartzs. Plenty of other stuff is mention like the Warsaw ghetto and Nazi Birthdays but not the French Revolution. Dont think its as bad as the whole Laurie Matthew down playing the money, the VIPs, the military,the whole in extreme situations, certain individuals especially those with particular DNA and PTSD exhibit what some may describe as 'psychic'

Or in our own language.. Your all telling all the bairns that what they experienced didnt happen, they didnt all see or feel what they all heard, just like with sexual abuse which they all being victimised and/or exposed to 'didn't happen, thats impossible, s/he wouldnt do that, these things are not real.. Thus making them scared because they know they are being lied to about matters of life and death, making them more vulnerable to grooming by people who dont have the same hang ups and who often have decades of experience in using mind manipulation to influence and control children.  Due to there own unrecognised triggers and unprocessed horrific traumas they to are still on some levels small abused children and can use their small hurt scared selves to gain the trust of external littles..

Which makes sensitive intelligent souls in danger of getting a bit trigger happy.


July 30, 2015

Your all programmed UK. And everyone knows.

Usual can't wake up properly here not enough support.. Getting there through the levels (Hi Dad & co). They can't treat us with respect here that's for fucking certain. Few Brits do if they are not military, police or otherwise trained in recognising and resisting mindcontrol and systematic child abuse by ourselves or by someone we trained.

Fucking revolting State. Our while life we have been contacted by people from all over the world saying they know about me, they know about Louise, they know about the music the experiments, the schools, the NHS, the programming, the money the sonar the radios the labotomies the breeding the GM the triggers our skills our friends the murders the total absence of any child safety anywhere the money the MPs the city and they say thank you for any help we gave them.. 

Not here though. Abuser contact only. 

'You don't exist.'

The world disagrees UK and most had no problem noticing that the writer here and Louise Johnston were two different people and found your treatment of us and all the bairns seriously distasteful.

Bout time you woke up UK keep your on the rail the sickos rammed into your heid when tiny wee if you like but the rest of us are done with it you zombie cunts. Can't keep letting you destroy generation after generation here whilst stunting and perverting all progress everywhere else because you won't process your own traumas and are scared of change.


Hear me now?



June 27, 2015


Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham.

The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime.

Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him.

Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC..

Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at arms length our whole life.

Dont know what's going to happen next but we want our boys back and our Ben.

June 21, 2015

Damn it.

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us. 

Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean. 

Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem. 

Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't able to and hunting down the sickos now isn't going to make us feel better about it or much us feel/be safer. 

Such a machine with the skills to turn anyone they want and convince them of whatever they want it feels so pointless even bothering to have any kind of life. 

So much stuff we need to clear out and clear out now before it causes more damage. Our resilience will return eventully and with it the abuse and dangers or least this is how it has always been.

Are we in a place where we no longer accept rape and rape threats as the way it is for us.. Can't even image such a place.

They got Summer. As well as lots of the rest of us.  

Like other posts we have written and things we have done and said particularly while we lived in Dundee recently but over the whole of our life before that we do it know they might use it as an excuse. It is after all us raising our eyes of the floor and staking a claim to live that is not tolerated from trafficking victims like me. 

But we have to.