December 14, 2016

believe

We are listening to carols, smoking blinding weed and thinking of you. CPN today. Last time this year. Didn't tell we have stopped taking the antipsychotic. Told her we were struggling to take it. She said it was honest of us to say so but as we were still taking it we must think its doing us some good. She got a bit pissed off actually asking us if we thought this was a good time to be even thinking about reducing. We said we are not interested in psychology at the moment. We really arn't. Not from the NHS. Not from anyone we can't vet our self. We are a little worried how we will get evidence to say we are unfit to work if we are refusing to see any docs but we know we have every reason to believe in what little we remember of the phone calls where we were told we didn't need to. We remember the relief and the sense of truth and then our heart sank at what we were going to have to survive from then. He talked about there being bad times ahead and I think told me something that he hoped would get us through that we can't remember now but that doesnt mean it didnt indeed help us through the last couple of years.

As usual though from here we have no idea what is going to or may happen. We know that if December becomes January becomes February and there is no real change we won't at least be in as bad a state as we were this year.  It doesn't mean that every thing we remember isn't real or doesn't matter. It's just bloody war and that's what it's like which isnt an attitude that is going to get us to pop along to a local art group but its the best spin we can put on it. We don't expect anything else from this life in these structures. I know I hear you "believe" and we do when we don't feel the pressure to be on anti psychotics or go to art groups. Had a lass from ward in the other day she's adorable, we love her .. she drinks like Laura..

This time last year. The run up to the 21st knowing it was significant and desperate for something to happen and needing it to be positive and knowing deep down that it wouldn't be but wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us either. The sources, the messages that it would be different this year.  How much have we banked on that..The same date. Dude keeps saying it was the 14th and looking down about it. It's good he is feeling. I said we are going to have steak pie on Friday because that was one of her favourites and we will talk about her and make it special. She would of been fine if it wasn't for all the horrific abuse and abusers. We posted two big boxes of parcels for up the road today she would of been glad. We feel sometimes we should of made the effort to see her more but it was beyond too much. We couldnt forgive her for not perusing treatment and for the way she told us straight after Laura died when we already knew. We really just had nothing left. Not for her. Not for the kids. We have a little more now. And hopefully more on the way.


December 13, 2016

trust

It was a great relief when N phoned and asked if it was ok to just give us more money. We didnt even have enough left for today's baccy and couldnt of asked for more. I'm still paying for tonnes of data I needed when in hospital and forget to pay the rent difference.  We do need to be a bit careful though because next week is rubbish week and the asda shop is delivered the same day as the early benefits but we will need to leave enough in the bank to make sure there are no food related tradegies finding out whatever asda substitutes there will be is hairy enough. Might need to wait until then to get more weed to. He hasn't given us enough money to drink and smoke and eat like we have been already for the next three weeks but its likely we wont be wanting much for long. He want's to give him presents himself so we have to set some aside for him to give on Boxing day. Think we will go for the lego dimensions stuff and some playmobil. We have failed on the plushy front this year but never mind he will probably still be watching that often totally inappropriate you tube show that uses a plush baby Bowser amongst others next year anyway..

Tomorrow we venture forth to get craft stuff for up the road and Argos is doing three for two on the lego dimensions. We have been having the now traditional approach to Mondays in December but Tuesdays are different we need to shop so he needs to go to school. We didn't go to the nativity again but at least he was there. Stealing the show with his comedy singing we heard from a girl in his class who obviously finds him really annoying and doesnt mind saying so.

We read A Christmas Carol. It is something we do and enjoyed immensely. We've read it aloud in ships and places far far away many times. As always. Just wished it was longer. And are thinking about reading more but we are mostly just focused on rampant materialism and indulgence. You would be proud. We have The Quantum and the Lotus gathering detritus and will get to it soon also still keep thinking about Sophie's World but are too scared its the bastards packed it with triggers and we are not big enough yet to handle it.

Hope your coming back to us soon. And not just because we are so up in our own head and far beyond that the dude needs someone. Anyone..

I know people probably want us talking about specific things and their significance but it's been such a long road it's hard for there to be much left of anything but words especially. It wasn't something we could talk about much they kept such tight reigns on us. To be writing and thinking about it now is so significant to our understanding of our self and our past. More barriers down. But we remember them saying how every day we were alone was a day they had won, a day where they had us and how it got to us and never left. They were very good at the self fulfilling stuff.

Different files in different peoples hands now though. The worst of it all ready dealt with or we wouldn't be saying anything. We know that at some level some part must know that they don't have us any more and it will spread out to other parts other levels in time.






December 11, 2016

Nostra

Orders are to keep spirits up as much as possible so we are dutifully spliffing up lovely stuff lots and have initiated brandy season. There's a lot to be relieved about. To be at the end of 2016 and not the start of it or some time long before it.  Trump, RA, Russian fascists. There's not much on RT we can stomach now but we do try because they do have some good stuff sometimes but mostly its Al Jazeera or CNN if they are talking about the obvious lies and dangers of Trump. 28th of March 2012 or whenever PaedoBritain day was when we published the lists. And so much else and said see you end of 2016.. Meaning of course that we would be safe enough to be awake enough by now and enough of what they wanted had happened that there was nothing to loose in remembering.

Digging around in Russia wasn't tolerated after the fall. Neither was battling or defending myself or anyone else from traffickers and they were some of the worst. They became the worst when we managed to through enough spanners it the works of all the rest. There was them and what they personally and directly supported. The B.B.C, the media, the porn, the music industry. Taking out the systems that made and supported them just emboldened them but we knew we had to keep doing it the systems had us to. The off terra support. Now mostly if not totally gone.  Really? Blimey. That is worth a brandy honey tea or two.. fuck sake.

The ops we ran to make everything evil as fuck down here think it was all going very differently. Massive, complex intricate affairs involving thousands to millions of people. All that is over? Fuck.

All the work we would do would feel so meaningless. Anything good meant punishment long term back here and where ever else they took us before hand. When there was lots of Russian speakers we knew they were running out of middle men or had rattled them. We can't remember what the direct cause was but declaring war on Russia over Christmas 87 from the Glen seems like one of the things we almost always know. We were getting somewhere with English Conservatives and dealing with child sexual abuse and they annihilated it and much else besides.

What now? Can't the lists in that much detail but we remember the impression that it all started to get a lot better in 2017 and beyond. Not sure any of this means anything for us in short term practicalities.. Hmpf.

The memories of the shows. We are a long way from getting tired of them. There are so many.. They keep as warm just as they are supposed to. Even if we can't work. We hired the best. We have sit back let them do their job and keep spirits up..




December 04, 2016

December

He was one for encouraging us just to write and not care about it whether it was us or if it was true or not because it all helps us get to a place where we are us more and are grounded in reality instead the "truths" we have when we are too scared and in too much danger to remember..

The tree is up. It took ages and we remembered another reason why we like real ones you don't have to pull out each and every branch. Its six feet, reduced to fifty pounds glittered tipped and scratched up our hands like a real one. Pablo was as enthusiastic as he usually is about decorating it but he did make a pile of decorations for me to put up and put on his customary piece of tinsel that I don't want on it because I want the beads but he will notice if I remove it. We bickered a little but not too much as we have learned that he thinks Christmas is a bit messy and unnecessary.

It looks pretty great. We got even more wooden pine cone hemp string dangly things for the walls that were painted this year in the post hospital mania its all lovely in the livingroom. The kitchen is started. We have tidied up a bit, swept the floor and washed the bit the cats had repeatedly pissed on and put up our fake greenery and the lights we bought this year. Its hard to stay on top of it in there but we accept that and know it doesnt take much to tire us out and we will push it and end up in a real mess and how much better it is to avoid that.

Christmas for the kids up the road has been dawning on us. Poor tykes. Presents need to be sent. We can do that. Once we get more money and can order some. They are sitting in our amazon basket waiting for available funds. Prices rising.

We do love our Spotify in December. The spiritual list we do love that shit and it brings back rehearsals and celebrations that have happened in all kinds of far away from here places. Fabulous celebrations. People are often pretty receptive of our message of a multi cultural Winterfest.






November 29, 2016

So far I just can't see.

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration.

In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the little presents fit, wrap them and hang up the calendar.  Margo made the calendars and put christmas tress decorations in the pockets to hang each day and we have always wanted to put little presents in and have it all ready for the first but have never managed before. He's quite excited about it. He says he still believes in Santa and I believe him. I hope he wont hate me for lying..  I would of been subtler but Laura and Margo were never keen on that and when the kids were little and together at Christmas you can't really be telling them different things.

We got a letter from Grace and Tommy which brought up a lot of mixed feelings, glad that they are both alive but worried for them with such a horrible family, it triggered long term feelings of powerlessness over their safety and our own to. It brought a big smile to Pablo though and that was great to see. We will try and send up some tokens for their Christmas we arn't expecting anything for Pablo from any "adult" up there but it would be good to send them something to say we are still thinking of them.

We even txted friends from the ward. One of them phoned back and we answered, sounds like she is doing really well and we talked about meeting up. Promised ourself to phone another girl we have avoided calls from recently because she has so much energy and we are miserable. The CPN has arranged for the antidepressants to be put up. It's November and that is never much fun but we arnt in the self slashing place we were last year. Just miserable. A lot. Bullshit is being unpicked and truths rediscovered personally and there isn't any fears about doing or not doing something that would bring about a Trump presidency because thats already happened which is depressing as is the MSM supported rise in right wing white nationalist populism anywhere. It disgusts us. Deeply.

The not unexpected death of mad bastard Fidel hasn't exactly helped raise our spirits. There are people who feel as we do about the education and culture Pablo is getting. Hearing Western Capitalists claim a moral high ground on human rights isn't something we can tolerate. We know. We have and are experiencing their horrific crimes, their cover ups, their endemic corruption, their violence, their experiments, their systems of oppression, their theft and the hopelessness and voicelessness that results.

We are regretting our tweet about footballers and how it would off been much braver if they had disclosed to press when they still had careers. It wasn't Eric Bristow level of cuntyness but it was close. Raped footballers became rapist footballers in some cases, we were triggered and obviously felt some need to be horrible. Not that we have spotted any of our or Louise's rapists as the ones talking now but just like before we don't expect the scale of offences against children and gang rape in eighties or nineties in Britain to be exposed.

What else can we write about? We aren't reading but have ordered something that interests us and that means we were interested which is positive. We are struggling to hope for change, for contact but we are currently weedless and its often the case that we feel that way without it. We are grounding ourself in the wider realities of who we are and where we are from when we can but it all feels so far away with no means to get closer to anything or anyone. Nothing to do but wait and it feels like such as waste. Will put the decorations up over the weekend I think. That is something to do that will cheer us up and that means brandy season to if we can stretch to it, also a positive..






November 21, 2016

Until

Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway. 

We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape.

We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and difficult but not impossible.

November 07, 2016

Dire

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting.

Well maybe thats not entirely true DID complicates use it or lose and its not like we arn't making constant progress in reaching out and reintegrating parts of our self and the past but its not enough to help the unsupported CPTSD and situational depression. We feel the loses so much more than we do the wins. The wins are still out there happening to someone else the looses are here and now.

At least we are stable enough to take the meds and eat cook clean a little and sleep. We have made a start on the Santa shopping. For one. And there's going to be a conversation this week where we have to face what we were told in the hospital on the same hospital grounds and then bus it home alone.

It's the kind of thing that makes me pray for all the relationships we have or thought we had that happens quite a lot. We have to let go of so much to go through something like that. Too much to rebuild because everything is so different and too avoidable to leave any will to start something again.