June 20, 2018

sunshine expected over next day or so

Back on the tea after we kicked over our large and last glass of pink that I'd actually even more drinkable than Mateus but is 3.5% stronger.. Not gonna buy more tonight. Got Asda coming tomorrow. With a box. We do remember thinking a box would be cheaper over Xmas but it didn't quite work out. Going to get another bottle is a quite a thing and we rarely do it but pressing the button and putting a wee but more in the glass. That's not really anything.. Told you we needed a drinks table at the bench..

The rest of last weeks and this weeks Amazon orders came today. We have logs and kindling again. The knee brace fits perfect but the hand one is too big. Our hands are quite little.

Fairies were struggyling with the PVA but the no more nails stuff doesn't dry clear. Will be complaining to the Garden Fairy Folk Union about the shoddy workpersonship.

Looks not bad in the pictures will maybe let them off this time. There is kits of lots of little MDF windows "to decorate yourself" and a pub.. thinking we might order them and get nail polish from the pound shop to tart them up, then stick them everywhere and turn our enclave into an metropolis.. 

Been moving new fairy around.

Can see her better from the kitchen window up there. Leaves that stump bare though.. Done sheltering you all from the neighbours mess. Bugging isn't it..

June 19, 2018

Iron Wings

 Third heavy metal fairy arrived today. Shes kinda perfect.

Bit mad with rearranging arnt we, espically as some of those planters are quite heavy. It is pretty satisfying when we eventually get that "yep that goes there" feeling. Not so satisfy is that as well a couple of quids worth of teeny tiny editions to Fairy Enclave we have an Amazon basket a selection of medical support braces for us to choose from when the money goes in. Everthing that makes up our right hand and right knee have been particularly bitchy.

See that's where the yellow things go.

Could spend the cash a hundred times over just on house and garden and hey maybe even move some of the clothes in the save for later pile would get put back in the basket and not removed again. There is a couple vest coming! Not the cut off jeans with the embroidered roses though when and where would we wear them? And we been not too bad at getting the lad medium man sized summer clothes. He is as beautiful young man now as cute as he was as a baby and toddler. Seriously.

The gate is in the basket to but we likely be putting that off because of orders we put in last week but weren't ready until the money was all gone. Getting serious intentions for what to do with one of the shady corners. More fabulous ferns obvs and maybe give a hosta go. They need somewhere to go first though. Gonna need a spade and a foot brace for that. We can remember the pain our foot was in after putting the borders in. We were squealing at some of bits and pieces that came up when we searched "shabby chic garden furniture" ...

The planters. The fairy homes with solar lights. The solar lights on strings. The cast iron things. The decorative drinks tables that we need one ofof
for next to the bench. All the ickle fairy town furniture; post boxes, wishing wells, garden tools.. The paint. The hanging ornaments. So much loveliness.

Wonderus weed has to be paid for and if there is any chance of any more of it we will have to get what we can because its so good and we need it. Really need it and want it. If we are still too enslaved for any people to be here with us then we need more cash.

Flying blue afro pig. Can't have too many pictures of flying blue afro pig.

Mixed weather wise but enough sunny spells to ease the deep June fear that summer is as good as gone already and there will be no more free warmth and relaxation for another year at least. Took out a blanket and sat on the bench for a little while. Cloudless now with a perfect view of a crescent moon. Our own little perfect patch of sky. Framed by trees and the work we have done. :-)

Money will probs be in now. Weed is out though and there wasn't a response about the availability of more. We are strong though. Would be so good and such a rest to be safe and happy as well as strong though. Strong all the time just hurts.

..just a little bit more sunshine..

June 17, 2018

"What's that your smoking?"


It was a clear cool night. We were being overwhelmed by the moon on the water and the rocks, the rhythm of the tide, the fauna and all the smells and all the peace. It was a wonderful place to be and wonderful weed to smoking there. He smiled and reminded me of being younger with the Cheshire Cats. Then he said something beautiful that made us cry a little that we can't, won't ever translate into English.

It's been a long time since we smoked something that made us go ohmygod that is so tasty with every puff. Very much needed. Just went to make a cup of tea and ended up tidying up the big border a bit. Don't know what all the big green leaved things are gonna look when they start flowering proper. We pulled out loads of it, its overcrowding everything else. Thinned the cornflowers in a few places to because they are packed and gave some space to the plants we bought and put in this year and anything else we think isn't a weed.

A few things have started flowering, the patches of blue and white lobelia are doing alright. And the other stuff with spikey leaves is really pretty, pale pink and white. Lots of buds on the pinks. The sunflower is still proudly with us. The one behind it to is as well I think but we are not expecting much from it after dropping a blob of paink perfectly in the centre of its growing tips when it was just a seedling. Oops.

The once stubby buddleia that became all bushy this year espically after we took all the crap away from its roots and then fell over in the wind is also thankfully looking alive. Not touching the bricks at its base though, the doc leaf in there can just stay where it is for now. Water. Foliage feed. Praying.

The shop is still selling plants.. And most likely of them are showing their colours. A lovely redy thing has been added to the giant corner basket. Will most likely go out later pick up more dead leaves and the little bastards hiding in them. Not sure if we mentioned that we saw all the rose buds covered, totally coated in little green twats. We got spray to deal with it and Owly and it was not unsatisfying to see it them all fall off or die where they were. Owly is much better. It is a cool dark viola that is in it and it keeps coming back. Would be cool to return it to former glory. The lobelia in the pig is fucking amazing think cause its so little its gets loads of food and foliage feeding. Feed other stuff more. I know.

Made fried egg rolls for me and the giant child. The plants can wait a bit longer. I've gotta collect in ma stupid supremist pirate game. Friggin Kina and her stupid friggin laser hull destroying cannon thing.

June 16, 2018

You helped them destroy every thing real but the hate

Fairly Scottish June weather wise, the wind toppled the smallest buddleia but i think we may have rescued it, more rain in a few days that the whole of May but in terms of state organised torture, brain damaging, and murder of infants, gang rape, breeding, genocide and attempts to murder, sexually torture, impregnant, hack or zap chunks of my brain or other essential organs out its been a good one so far.

Picked the crappy diazepam up yesterday. Wish we could get more it fairly gives me and appetite. Lots or rolls with already cheese, salad, ham and crisps yesterday and one this now to. Finished off the pills this morning. The crumbly we been getting is really week and Tuesday's half oz was polished off last night in front off the fire with our second bottle of wine for the day. There is at least some of that left.

Can't get our attitude anywhere near responsibility with the income. How the fuck can we? It's bullshit, injury and insult all in one. The ridiculous effort, work, violence, threats and honest exposure of how unfit we are for employment anyway but espically under current regimes left a bitterness that wouldn't go away if they had us on ten times what we are getting. Bank charges yesterday. From RBS to us. We hate you Royal Bank of Scotland, there is nothing legal about the banks even by their own Fascist money laudering institution ancient systems.

Kinda in a bugger all helps kind of place. The pills, drink just lifts the inhibitions we need to make us feel like things are OK, could be worse and remind us everything could and came very close many times to being so much better.

We told dude we were glad he was our best friend but we really wished we had friends who were closer to our age and knew us. He gave us a hug. This is the time we have to let Jess go isn't it. And everyone else we have believed cared for us in the states. There never has been any genuin institutional resistance to the destruction and enslavement of all high IQ and emotionally intelligent blood lines. Never has been. Never will be. Every time you believed what they told you, what they showed you buried you deeper in Fascism and there is no one left to try and dig any of you out. Certainly not us. We can't separate any off you from attempts at murder and succesful torture on me and the first kid they forced us to carry and then didn't sell or slaughter. Plenty tried though. And all that fighting alone when pregnant or with a infant against the whole organised shit planet changed us even more and took everyone on Earth off our lists of people we care about.

This collapsing of our hope from Earth was designed to kill us but it gave us a freedom we have never felt here and has made it possible to focus on someone who does love and respect me and who can get me away from communities and states built entirely on and with antisemitic, misogynist slavery from conception to whatevers next on the script - me.

June 13, 2018

Huge bud has finally opened. Smells kinda subtle but lovely.  Its raining now and we are so glad. We need to not keep over doing it. Its hard balance though between the exhaustion onntop of depletion of existing here and doing enough to stay comfortable, clean and happy as possible. We think we are a little better at pacing ourself. Glad something else is taking care of giving it all a good watering. Supposed to be rain then sun tomorrow. Perfect for balancing rest and improving shit. Its just not fucking fair that I am my thirties or there about and am ruined after a bit of gardening and cleaning a window. Slavery, running from and war against slavery don't exactly given you a childhood where you are allowed or are able to rest.

Love you Daddy. Beautiful isn't it? So glad we don't have to say everything that would bhurt us because you know. Its not like we hate because we are told to. We just have it in our head so much now that wherever we go we will get flashbacks of piles of murdered people and the sick torture games that were played. But we have been places with you haven't  we where we weren't reminded of all the worst and we could think and feel again.

June 11, 2018


Ah the peace of a no money Monday evening with something in our tummies, smokes, milk and tea. Prick in shop wouldn't take an old £1 that would of got us bread and milk, we rummaged around mostly in dudes room its quite disgusting in there at the bottom of toy boxes and under the bed but the required 52p was gathered. Thank goodness. Dude fell asleep and school and we told them when they phoned about having messed up the funds and him missing breakfast and she phoned the food bank for us and said we could go down there as we haven't used them before. Its a nightmare to get to though so couldnt happen today. He got his lunch at school and we had macaroni for tea so we are good. There is a little left over and he won't be happy at the portion size but it won't harm him.

We were sitting on the bench searching for super fleas on princess and we heard two blokes greet each other in passing comment on the weather, exchange pleasantries then go their way and one of them made as loud a gob snork he could muster from his smoker tubes. They fully pull everything back and empty their noses through their mouths. Unfortunately the crumbly and the antidepressants are not enough to stop that shit from pissing us off. We long soo much to chase after him and snap him dead but we don't have the energy yet and don't wanna rock dudes wee world over the millionith gobber.

 Its good and seriously something we can mention shit like that after all this time writing and having to side step it to stay alive and keep the blog going. The orders of some of the worst slaver enforcers to deal with, "Yi can write aboot anything cept your that you're Jewish yi whore" Scots. Authorities everywhere across the globe knowing about it forever but always and still working within it and under it. Disgusting.

You hear the women in their gardens taking as loudly as they can to and about the cats, it reminds us when folk came at the door with their bullshit in the first year. A bloke blaming Jess for some shit and she had been with me the whole time. At least once we took the opportunity to raise the issue of Fascism and genocide within the neighbourhood and he scuttled of looking pale. Shona was constsntly trying and being used to try and start shit. Like we said. All exactly as we knew it would go down. We were grateful at times to know what that chap at the door or talk and gobbing in front of dude ourpt and about was about because it reminded us knowing there was gonna be antisemitic abuse and constant bullshiting about me also meant I was not as completely and utterly alone here as we feel.

We may of tried to allude to it or some of it here usually kind of casual kinda mention. Lost of talk of scripts, programming, curropt police and communities using horrific violence to control awful lives and unspeakable deaths but we probs weren't mentioning that it was our Jewishness was always most used publicly out on the street and by the influential abusers  indoors for abuse against me and the lad and for the slavery.

Needs to be worked into the poem, the gobbing.

Don't know what internet access your getting there espically if you need it in braille but hiya hun. Orange is not your only colour.

June 10, 2018

52p (price of pint of milk)

Not a bad day all in all despite our current position in the feast or famine cycle, nightmares with the air play, the arm pit thing on our bottom and the lad's attitude and tone.

June 09, 2018


Very proudly presenting the results of the annualish windae cleaning...

Crazy to think how its gonna look in July. Its utterly stunning and we got enough momentum to keep it healthy. Next door have family helping and think loads of work had been done which is cool less snails etc nothing done about the only part of next door that constsntly bothers us though. The atrocity that is their shed roof.

Messin about trying to take pics in the dark last night.

Its more than we usually show and we haven't asked him but for the love of it..

 Really hope it rains so we don't have to stick to our promise that he has to water the garden. Already got him to take the paper and cardboard out first time we got him to do that when he did it right and closed the lid. Progress. 

Gonna do some mini gaming now. 

Take it easy..

Our brain is not going to find that easy. Big chunks of it think its just not possible. A small chunk thinks that if we can't we will never be able to because it exists now, its existed in the past even if it all was irradiated over night it would still be impossible for us to take it easy because it will still exist in our mind. A reasonable sized chunk thinks that is Fascist shit. The kind of Fascist shit that turns up in our dreams in all the endless toilets that don't work and lacking in basic privacy.

We know we need that shit out of our brain but that's the point where and how do we do that. By taking it easy.

Its true though. We have done what we needed to do except for getting out of here. We are not going to be able to do that until we have fixed our head more and that will happen all by itself as long as we are in a position to not go through extreme stress or constant anxiety.

We have to remind ourself constantly. Slow down. It seems pointless some shit is gonna happen at some point but that is exactly why we need to heal as much as we can. We win them round by telling them if they want to hurry up the being better then they need to slow down and go easy.

June 07, 2018

still refusing to budget

Didn't get much done today but wasn't expecting to. When managed well to not overdo it with the weed because we were still headachy but when we saw the lad of to school we were really happy to find our head painless and just wanted to smoke and smoke and smoke. There wasn't much left anyway. Hope we make some effort to drink more water at least during the day its a damn hassle that drinking lots of water makes for even more peeing and not being able to sleep because we keep having to get up to pee every ten minutes rather than our usual twenty.

Increasingly want and need to sort out the kitchen a bit but it wasn't happening today probably even if we hadn't ran out. Might of washed more dishes and that would of made for a less of a job tomorrow. Its depressingly filthy down there nor helped by missing bin day last week and the child that never bloody listens taking out the wrong colour bin this week. Its summer honey the bins have to go out. How many times did I tell you green and get you to repeat that it was green bin day so why did you take out the blue?!?! Others followed suit though and put out the same colour as he did though again and that's kinda funny. Tempted to put out the wrong colour wait until others copy and then put out the right one. Mwah ha ha. Wouldn't be such a hassle but some scum stole the extra big landfill bin the council gave us to help clear the house.

We had a fried egg, toast and lime pickle for lunch outside and put a couple of loads of f washing out. Had macaroni partly made by the dude for tea. Then had to use the pound that fell out the washing machine to get tea bags because we have done it again we are super skint. We don't know how to not buy strawberries, new potatoes and that Australian pink wine that is crazy drinkable and is proper strength when its sunny. We figured liquids that can be seen through  are best when attempting to take it easy and it worked. Not looking forward to four fucking days of trying to figure what we can eat with no cash and our belly is really sensitive at the moment which means we feel sick if we don't eat regularly. Got pork and noodles for tomorrow don't know about after that. Took chicken out to make curray days ago but were still too weak so ended up getting what we wanted from the Chinese and now we won't be touching that chicken its been there to long. Can't exactly manage budgeting never mind budgeting for a migraine recovery fund. It really pisses us off that no one is helping us. We understand how this has all come about but that just gives us more reasons to be angry.

Never neglected my flowers though. Dead headed, watered the borders and fed those that looked like they could use it. 

June 05, 2018

feed regularly

We are doing our best to take it easy, overdoing anything except water and rest could trigger another. Used dudes hat to work and rest in the garden and kept in mind to not ignore how rough we feel. We got more of the weed. I know. Its a bit of a gamble. But we are not going stupid with it and treating it like doing stuff and not overdoing it and knocking back loads of water. The hardest issue is the dude and the volumn he talks in, the things he talks about and e way he is talking about them. Its been really tricky but we love him very much even when we are too exhausted ourselves to cope with aspects of his ASD. We got him whispering some times. That really helped.

We thought let's try and take it day about with taking pictures and putting washing up but its all too beautiful so we couldn't.

 Thinking the poem could be about us over three months as a analogy for us in general. May, June, July. With everything though. Gotta take it easy.
No point in thinking we have gone too far now..

June 03, 2018

tired of monkeying around

We could tell by how we were when we still had the solids that it wasn't going to be good when we ran out. Pain, weepiness and so fucking irritable. The humidity and the warmth isn't helping espically as for the second night in a row we can't keep the window open because of some fucking alarm is going off up at the shops. Even without the alarms it can be shitty for noise in the evenings and at night, cunts shouting, singing and fighting when the pub closes, pure scum on the road and in the car park with their fucking awful exhausts. Quite a contrast between the evenings and nights in my room and school days out the back with all the peace and the birdsong we might work it into the poem.

Skipped another game night but taught him how to make lazy macaroni and watched the jungle book with him. Much prefer the new ending to the ending in the old cartoon and Bill Murray voices the bear and Christopher Walken as king Louie. Quite cool and made it tolerable when all the compulsory masculine, male, male, mindless reproduction of unquestioned patriarchy, male, male, female caregiver, female evil temptress, male, male that is in everything and everywhere just fills us with hate and disgust.

No amount of pretty garden flowers can change that but they give us pride. Or cannabis either but it does make us cry less about it.

 This planet is fucking void.

June 02, 2018


Hi Daddy,

We are doing lots to try and not feel too sad but its not working so much right now. We are trying to keep our self out the past but not pretend that things that will effect us forever didn't happen either. Beyond the horror everything has just been so ridiculous and it was made impossible for us to have any regular contact with anyone who worked with and cares about he truth a long time ago. Its been and still is really fucking lonely and so hard to rally ourself and keep ourself strong and safe and positive.

We are glad we never gave in though and some of the extreme emergency protections put in place were never used. Dude is pretty wonderful apart from the knowitallism, currently drinking a cup of tea that we did not make ourself. We are tired to though, couldn't sleep because we were all zingy with it being June. Then when we did the dreams were fucking awful we kept waking up but fell back into them as soon as we went back to sleep and couldn't stay awake.

Done a fair bit to. Fed all the fucking flowers. Gonna try do it every weekend and not be quite as lax as we got last year about it. Broke out the in bloom that's be under the sink for years to and I think we managed to not give anything it and the miracle grow at the same time. Did all the dishes, hoovered my bedroom and washed my blanket so its all soft and less infested now. The organic farmer approved bug killer arrived so we soaked Owly and wish her luck. Sprayed the rose to as it is all its bloody fault anyway. Did a little tidying of the area that will be the fairy garden. Would rather not. Would rather be making a fairy garden on trees that are not here. And of course moved pots around and looked for nasties. All the activity gives us an appitite so we been eating well much easier when we haven't annihilated the income and can get fresh strawberries, potatoes, salad and wine. We deserve it.

Its not like this time can actually break us but it has its own tortures. I know you would talk to me and be here with me if you could. It really hurts. Even when things are good. The anger keeps us as focused or as dissociated as we need to be though, it has kept us alive and kicking and we know we can trust it. Of course it would be nice to have something or someone as reliable and dependable but we can only do our best to stay open to that when physical safety and survival are always at risk.

Doing stuff we want to do and seeing the results helps us remember good stuff in the past just as abuse triggers abuse memories. We are still scared of the relief we feel how can we not without real structural changes and exposure of institutions and without anyone to look into the eyes of see how it has changed and hurts them to. Just because things have got less bad for us doesn't mean the situation is anymore tenable but a cage we can guild and the health to do so is preferable to one that can't be.

Shabby chic low table made from shit left by workies.

Don't known where this pretty came from. Beautiful.