June 27, 2015

..well..



Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham.

The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime.

Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him.

Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC..

Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at arms length our whole life.

Dont know what's going to happen next but we want our boys back and our Ben.

June 21, 2015

Damn it.

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us. 

Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean. 

Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem. 

Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't able to and hunting down the sickos now isn't going to make us feel better about it or much us feel/be safer. 

Such a machine with the skills to turn anyone they want and convince them of whatever they want it feels so pointless even bothering to have any kind of life. 

So much stuff we need to clear out and clear out now before it causes more damage. Our resilience will return eventully and with it the abuse and dangers or least this is how it has always been.

Are we in a place where we no longer accept rape and rape threats as the way it is for us.. Can't even image such a place.

They got Summer. As well as lots of the rest of us.  

Like other posts we have written and things we have done and said particularly while we lived in Dundee recently but over the whole of our life before that we do it know they might use it as an excuse. It is after all us raising our eyes of the floor and staking a claim to live that is not tolerated from trafficking victims like me. 

But we have to.

June 20, 2015

Proper bam

Hello.

So much from the last couple of years has exposed itself. Bertie really is a grooming raping bastard as we may of mentioned before. Ferris associate and the worst of the police, intel traffickers etc. it's not new new stuff though.. Nothing from living in this house. When he admited stuff from when we were young we didn't even care. We know it must of started young because of how wierd we get around him. Not ourselves. Amnesiac.

Guess you need a bloke to do your hovering before you can properly come to terms with how often he has been involved in ruining our and others lifes. 

Yep lots of stuff about the last couple of years most of which we don't feel up for blogging or talking about with T. 

Yes I am concerned that I let someone into my house who is deeply involved in abuse networks, who has raped before and now knows everything about where me, junior & the cuzs often sleep.. But we do feel awake and present enough without the extreme anxiety know that we know that we have done that. 

Their is some comfort in that it is known about and not just by all the wrong people.  Also in feeling some confidence that these walls will stay down and in our abilities to deal with any shit should it occur.

Not attempting to look into the future. But we don't feel dangerously low and trapped as E.Ps as we have as a long time. Our old Nemisis - Oral. 


June 13, 2015

It does change.

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure.

We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely new in some cases.

Everything has felt so strange, so horrible for so long, beyond what we can cope with or medicate away. We reached out, as therapist says that's a good thing and as a result we have a much cleaner house but in return we got a lengthy insensitive lecture from one person and so much insensitivity later from someone else we became so triggered we completely lost sense of time and place and was back in the freezing cold and dark of the eighties. We said something, don't know what and I'm glad I dont, it was some sort of question to someone about some abuser order or expectation. We are still going cold thinking about it. We don't want to go back there but I don't think we got the me out either. Jersey, someone keeps saying.

Therapist helped a lot, she has never seen us cry so much. We talked a lot about mourning and how/if any of the things people do for more everyday deaths and loss can be used to help us. That reminded us of buying the rose bush and other things we could do with our garden. We know we need something external, to do something that will last and that other people can see. She encouraged us not hold on too tightly to the idea of counting them all and that feels right this now. It all feels real enough, we have lost the guilt that comes with not remembering or rejecting truth but what has replaced it not for us to give much specifics on tonight.

We have been struggling and so vulnerable for so long now, seeing and being with them from the late 80's onwards, some unknown date when ovulation first happened to now we have either been pregnant or under the threat of it and all that sickest across the globe could think to do with a pregnant invisible with DID. Obvs we feel safer now or this wouldnt be being typed without shaking hands and searing pain.

Physically we are exhausted, really exhausted we need to find a way to make it easier now, so she talked about containers which worked well during the worst of it later on that night. She also suggested kind of hesitantly, that maybe some kind of magical thinking would be good for the littles.. guess that gave us some kind of permission, some validation from a good person that it was ok to see them in fairies or nature, to let our imagination do whatever it needs to do find a way to thrive and to celebrate them.

Must seen so grim from the outside 'celebrating' such short, horrific lives but they were beautiful unique souls that cant ever be brought back or copied and we need move on from the devastation stage.  From regularly returning to the devastation stage. The cant eat, cant see a point to existence, life in an abyss stage.  Therapist was so good at not glossing over how long it will take to feel better about so much loss and pain. We need to feel grounded but need something positive to be part of that ground and she is amazing at that. Many of us have always been so keen to find something good and to pull the rest of us away from things that hurt us and we know are being to trust them and will find someone else who will help us build a safe space that is strong enough to hold the worst of it all.

Part of her job is to get us to a place where its possible for other positive relationships to happen and its terrifying us that it seems to be working. With the dust settling in the fatigue after the emotional and mental turmoil recently it feels like we could reach out and touch it, something very real and unlike what's been allowed or forced on us before. What it will have to wait until we have gathered ourself a bit more and had the space we need from whatever the hell that was. Something else from the session that is comforting was her emphasis on empathy and the way she kept showing us when showed it. Its good to be in an environment when having some or even lots doesnt have to be a dirty secret or serious liability. It gives us hope.

Lay in the sun today, getting all brown and bubbling with excited parts so relieved to be alive and upfront and not crippled and our garden.

Take over Summer,  when its needed. We think we probably have the 'No's covered now but we are going to need you for any 'Yes's..

June 10, 2015

Co consciousness DID

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed.

We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abusers are exactly where they want to be and beyond being dead we are exactly where they want us to be to.

Resenting the pills, sick of gabapentin. I say as I take another. It feels like as long as we live in a world where people think if other people are lost causes we will not let go off the murdered ones. We know it's what some abusers told us to feel but we feel that way anyway. We know that we are making ourself a 'lost cause' by not being able to move forward. 

But in a world where such things can happen, by so many people over so many years it's so hard to not feel like it doesn't matter what we can or can't do, what we have and haven't done it's the world that's the lost cause. 

I'm so scared off remembering and I'm scared off whatever is planned for us next and I'm scared of the way we are programmed and of how much we get caught up & dragged down by it everyday. 

.... 

May 29, 2015

hallucinations and babies

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none of it. Others have no sense of anything outside the worst of the networks and abusers and things like that can work. Not a very pretty world..

..unlike the bathroom which is coming on nicely..

The babies.. think we said early on we don't know how any pregnancies we have had, how many babies lived, how many died, how many of those abortions, how many more clinical ones. But we feel a bit like we a starting to begin to be able to count, to list, a few any way. our hand stroking little backs, or sometimes when they were to small to cup our hand over their backs we ran a finger down the thin skin on their spine.  We see the blood more. Of course we do with the pain we are in, we are reliving them so obviously sometimes.  Today that longing to hold and cherish an infant - 'broodiness' has been hitting us and sensual, visual recall of their little bodies as well as the births.

Some of us weep for the girls that are going through stuff like that this now, angry, bitter tears because this violence often isnt as private and behind closed doors and secretive or not talked about or just in the nonwhites. Its accepted as how some girls are treated and if you down there anyway luv would you mind?..goan.

Others, were just still there in the precious positive life affirming cherished little moments. It was our job to show them as much love and care as possible in whatever short times we had. So many times though some of us started just turning away and prayed to other parts to try and get help to us because they couldn't, they had already tried really hard.





May 27, 2015

very military

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok?

Very military, in the 80s they were setting things up, organising to smallest detail it was a big operation over years. Next to them our main abusers looked like how our 'dad' looked next to the gangster and telly rapists.  'Rogue' military and high end organised crime - not the best mum and dad a girl could have but at least the arguing gave us opportunities to slip out the back door from time to time.

The Glen was so beautiful when there wasnt any people there we loved it and identified with the way it was stolen, owned, traded and exploited to destruction and found we could feed off its will to continued being when we had none again and again.

 I was everything those military bosses types weren't I valued everything and knew some things could never be justified to the same degree that they executed any means justifies the end with absolute professionalism. We couldn't understand how some people somewhere far away possibly wanting to hurt people who hurt people really badly anyway could justify totally abandoning kind of humanism or ethics. They were officially trained and chosen well to never show any emotion ever except the anger and adrenaline needed for punishing. As kids we were impressed by it, if you hadnt done anything you weren't supposed to you never knew what if anything was going on inside.

Jersey accents? Same types that were around when heaps people were rounded up and shipped over at once.

..weird accents in the Glen..  christ. not tonight.. (OK!)

We were very concerned about the future, back then in the early 80s. It seems sometimes we thought about nothing else when we weren't doing the thinking processes that were ordered of course. It was thinking about the future that would take us out into the hills by our selves sometimes. So undermining of course, when I think I have anything that seems solid enough to be  good foundation for a positive sense of sense the words 'might be programming' and 'might be survival fantasy' are never far away..

We were so worried though and we didnt know if they were intentionally letting us see and hear everything to trick us or because they didnt care what we saw and said because we were officially slaves, everybody knew it and no one would dare to do anything. Other kids said the didn't believe it or didnt't care when we talked about what we were overhearing, some already knew and seemed to have accepted it.

We decided the only way to figure it all out was to separate everything that didnt make any sense out into different question and give our different parts different jobs, different things to find out and would put it all together once everyone had got the answers we needed. A technique that had been forced on us and experimented with. We also decided that we had to believe we were thinking and doing things that were unauthorised and off the radar or we would never feel good enough to do anything.

..feeling good enough means occasionally being in a place emotionally and physically where we could see, or be awake or feel anything. We would get longer moments sometimes though, when we could feel the ground under or feat, smell the air and see the stars and it would our commitment to stay human and to love, even if was just the stars, the air and breeze in the trees. We grabbed those little moments in every place across the world we could.

but to some these moments are not as meaningful as they are to others, they say those feelings are from a someone who doesnt come from somewhere. Someone who doesnt have people. We dont know how to answer them back we welcome as us even though we are a bit scared of them.