July 28, 2016

his needs

News isnt bad Stina. The social work review went well. Social worker's boss is a very different animal than social worker. She told us our rights in much clearer terms and told social worker he had no grounds for court orders to keep junior in care once I get discharged. Cause of the weekend pass we were able to think and write and sent out an email saying all the stuff the ward and psychiatry kept us too stressed and dissociated to say and because we had written it we were much more able to speak in the meeting. He's not an easy guy to like is the social worker, maybe he thinks thats him being professional. Doesnt make much sense to us. Surely its within a child's best interests for there to be rapour between yourself and the child's parent. Instead of being so consistently icy cold. He tried it on again during the visit today saying he had spoken to a child psychiatrist who agrees with him that Pablo should stay in care while my parenting is assessed but there would be more visits..

So basically, a child who has lost so many relationships, has been moved around lots should stay in care while being assessed by an NHS child psychiatrist who hasnt met Pabs or myself and who only knows what they were told by a child social worker who has the people skills of a week old tuna sandwich and who refused to give me written information on my rights and gave me one hour of access in a month..

Seeing as I'm not mental and have been told my rights and do have the kid's best interests at heart we declined.. Fucking ridiculous suggestion. It would be horrific for Pabs. He would resent me, the docs, the carers, everyone even more than he already does. He needs to come home. They can visit as much as they like but there is no way we can agree to him living somewhere else because someone with no idea thinks the perfect storm of triggers and deaths causes another breakdown in us.

We wont know more about when I get discharged for a day or two yet. When they will probably try and get us to disclose again in ways that anyone who knows anything about brains and traumas would tell them is just causing more harm. We tried weeks ago to tell them not to as they arnt going to believe it anyway but they kept doing it and pushed back our recovery.

No point in being scared although it's perfectly reasonable response.

July 22, 2016

lawyer needed

Social Worker did say we should get a lawyer when we met him and he bonded soo touchinly with controversial junior doc after we brought him in cause we were in a fool in crisis. We sent an email to one who sent one back telling us to look else where. The thought of explaining it all, hoping the too honest parts dont come out and undermine whatever ground we have made by talking about rituals, or programming, pits of dead kids or famous people. Think we have to though. There is no point in shoulds, or wishes or if onlys and it would be better if we went into Monday's meeting with a lawyer but it would always of been better if we had felt safe enough to send Pabs to school in June or had gotten out the UK or at least the area so we would be with him tonight and tomorrow.

We havent scored, havent cut, havent took more gabapentin, havent smashed anything, didnt take all 3 pass meds in a oner, just took some cocodomal and some more four hours later, went and got our hair cut from a local hairdresser who knew straight away we were giving her much the same BS as last time, cept this time there was added BS about our son being "with friends", we dont like her cuts especially for the cash she takes and the lack of time she takes. Next time we will remember to go else where. Ate fish and chips. Emailed advocacy. Drank some wine. Still feel like time has been turned back by being told our discharge is further than we were told earlier in the week. That same impatientness that wants to turn to self harm. That same sense of utter voiceless and powerlessness and invisibility and pointlessness in the face of institutionalised nationalised violence, corruption, ignorance and cover up.

We've survived worse right?

Monday morning we start calling lawyers. And right now we try on our outfit for the review.

We mentioned SRA to the psychologist. Still mental if we doing shit like that huh?

What do you mean by asking that same question?

"What do you mean by trafficking?"

How many fucking times have I been asked that in the last three and a half weeks.. It's still being sold and transported around for sex and abuse. Same as it was every other time we've been fucking asked.

She said some positive regards to access to Pabs which of course is the social works decision and not her's anyway. Then she said she hoped I would be being discharged the week after next. Not next week like she said last time. She asked if there was any questions but as we had just explained again what trafficking means to educated adult who asked us the exact same question last days before and gave a brief talk on our experiences of said trafficking, Savile, hospitals, Jersey and even mentioned the BBC (premises not employees. obvs) and knew we had a weekend pass we just needed the fuck out of there.

Unsurprising we have a massive desire/need to score some weed but as we are under a Schodinger's pee test type situation (or just denying ourself what we need cause we are being crushed by British social work and the NHS and are so fucking triggered and so fucking terrified of them both due to a life time of bad and very bad experiences) we bloody wont.

Have emailed the social worker who got back to us saying we will probably get to see him on his birthday though..

We managed not to cry in the hospital, on the bus, scored ourself a bunch of junkfood then when we got in the taxi fucking Snowpatrol were playing (light up, light up as if you have a choice ..yada yada). Picked the shit of the floor cause Princess puss doesnt like pooping in the try, only next to it. Climbed up here and under blankets and now we are weeping.

Everytime we put our hand above our head when relaxing on the ward bed and feel the metal against out wrists we have to stop immediately because we remembered being tied up in hospitals on hospital beds in that position..

Oh well best we keep you here for another week then my dear..

She isn't Saviley her junior (DID is a controversial diagnosis but Delusional Disorder in sexual abuse survivors isnt said with a smile who the social worker liked is you got it back next week) is another case.

Hopefully when I get back after the review with the social work review on Monday I can press the need to be released sooner rather than later better...(!!)

Maybe I should be getting a lawyer and another institution who we have little but bad experiences with to the mix?

Not's not true we got help with our benefits from British lawyers.. ....

Niall is coming down tomorrow we wish he wasnt cause when we say the doctor has pushed it back another week he will say something offensive about maybe the doctors are right cause they are the doctors and therefore should be trusted. He's never faced up to anything horrific, ever.

July 21, 2016

Wrong circumstances, right direction

Highly likely the days of trying process all the massive amounts of trauma, terror and bullshit from our teeny tiny phone will soon be over. How long it will be till dude is interrupting us or sleeping soundly downstairs is another matter.. Social worker doesn't always return calls. Doesn't help. Hate the whole social worker approach of looking out for the interests of a child by not returning the calls of a loving parent. How can he observe and assess our parenting without contact, how can contact be arranged if he does not return calls. 'Quicker than they expected" he said when I told we would be out soon.. 'They' being docs who are not my consultant who went on leave and us of course, we knew with food and respite we would be much better very quickly. Nurses dont like him much. He called them to confirm what I told him over the phone when he had already been told by them..

I have emailed him now. Getting our written words to people who have horrific levels of power over us back. We are strong enough to badger. Clothes for review have been bought if not tried on. Hair dressing appointment booked, heels still to be purchased. We may even apply a small amout of war paint.. Treat it like a job interview.. Im sure we can be confident they will say something that we upset us so we will not appear too emotionaly detached.. 

Ridicoulous society.. Through and through..

Hoovered up a lot of cat hair today and made the worst of the stinky carpets better. Maybe too tired for fear.

Night Stina. Thank you for kind offer and wonderful words they give us lots of hope in many hard times.


Time with a psychologist and a psychiatrist in the a.m. Not expecting that. Twice our morning cup of tea went cold. Nothing horrible to report happy for assessments and sessions to continue .. as an outpatient.. which we will be .. most likely .. next week .. fuck yeah..

To scared to sleep because of nightmares though. An evil doctor eating and steeling our teeth, there was someone breaking or attempting to break someone elses neck we don't feel that needs to much analysing.. Some of us are scared of the Family in the Doom, now that we are getting help and are not a utter wreck when comes to functioning in the outside world as it is though. The Family in Rotty to, or rather Margo's brother for similar reasons. We might run in to verbal nastiness from others and we are not going to say that will be no bother but there is more fear for up the road. We have pretty much put our feelings for the bairns up there on a fucking shelf but the chances of us saying something that might mean someone has to attempt a professional legal duty is higher the longer we are talked to.

It's certainly not conscious. The "dont say that they might act on it" it hides itself behind "dont say that they will call you psychotic and delusional" and "whats the fucking point authorities are either in on it or utterly unprepared and powerless". We still know its there though. We are often close to being back to whenever and wherever the detailed instructions after lots of major traumas when specific dos and donts where given. Which of means the aspects of us that survived it all enough to still be conscious enough to make the long term memories and not just receive the instructions is getting stronger and reaching out and engaging little by little with the rest of us.

On the other hand though, this means nightmares and deep fear brought to the surface.

Teeth, crumbling teeth though.. so many dreams and nightmares and we know its common as fuck. That bastard mouth wash ad man. No way are buying that shit if thats how the advertise it.. Often in the past they have stopped because we got to lucid. Oh we have another teeth falling out dream, or oh dont worry we have money we will get new ones..

Ok. Associates.

Ageing. Fear of powerlessness over physical ageing and the passing of time in general. Fair enough. Fear of the pain of dentist visits even if they are good, its not any fun. Unprocessed abuse in dentist settings. Sick to the back teeth, toothless meaning not bite, no fight left, or never having had any to begin with. Tooth also rhymes with truth and Booth who were an family in the Glen. We have at different and probably sometimes the same time been told to either not brush or to brush. Vanity, gendered desire to be young and pretty, a more general social need to be attractive or at least palatable and for sure most of out truths are not. We use our teeth to speak, to annunciate gotta be relevant. gift horses.. hmm feel creeped out thinking about that saying and not just because Laura's bairns Dad used it to in relation to PsychoSis and her ex. She has had a more bother with her teeth than we have. Sick to the back teeth. Dream therapist would and probably has said something about which teeth it is. Often starts at the back and we have lost and are loosing our back teeth, we said once "ah thats why its called salad days because thats the only time you can eat salad" when we tried to much down on lettuce with gums and gaping hole after one had been removed.  Some drugs make you grind your teeth, as does stress and repression.. Repressed shit coming out.. we like that.. would like to keep as many of our remaining molars if possible..

Theres more though.. for another night. What else has teeth? We immediately think of electronics.

It was a very cold, scary dream. Without lucidness. So cold and everyone else in the dream cold or violent. Gangs were mentioned hence the murder or attempted murder it was sloppy. Hmm may be getting some where there to. Dentists records are used to identify people. NHS dentists used to be part of the school system. Issues surrounding our ID and the faking, manipulating of records. What did we fight out? And of course - Jersey.

We could of been a much better parent to ourself and junior if we had just a bit more support.. He is almost nine, we feel like we both have missed out on so much.

Supertired now.

Gute nicht..


July 19, 2016

the worst is over for us

We will be togther again soon. Its so hard though. This is a place of safety. Thats a big part of why we are here. They would not try to harm Pabs or me when we are here and he is there to high a chance of that resulting in evidence, evidence that would be recorded by people who count, evidence that might even be acted on. Like we said to the social worker. He doesnt give us ring triggers or fears, or his foster carer. And that is the result of a lot of peoples hard work. I feel much more able to be aware of dangers when i just have one flesh to take care off. Our littles needed respite from isolated single parenthood. We have had that and now we are surronded by people who are much iller than us, people who cant read or dont care about there effect on others. People who talk at me and not to me. Who dont do conversations, they do ranting, moaning..

There is good people to and we have numbers of friends which is we had before, just a bit of human contact would most likely of stopped things from getting so bad..

How do you consent to treament when there is none. We need to be at home to build ourself up, to deal with the house. There are charities that could help. Another patient told us about them. Occupational therapy has been around for other people and we have asked for referals but its three weeks now. The occupational therapy i want is to being sorting out good habits at home, chucking stuff out, cleaning, painting..

Miss him so much. Its going well i know. Everyone happy with my progress. But doc said the ward is for very ill people. I do not feel or act very ill anymore..

Hate how people are inbetween me and Pabs. Hate that the inquires were whitewashes.

Focus on the positives. We slept upstairs at home last night. Terror and nightmare free. We have gotten through the worst of the triggers and the programmed parts have eased, faded or grown.

Tomorrow we research support while waiting for doc, call from social worker. Lots of positives. That fact that we want, hope and expect for so much more is not a negative. Fuck no.

Miss him so much..

We did the right thing. Didnt even just ask for the painkillers. We asked for a chat to. She was ok. The ready to go conversation and how it makes sense to not rush it. Back to feeling so weepy. Entirely natural though.. We dont want to not feel the effects of our past our present but we just dont want it to control every waking second like it us. We want to feel other things to and we are beginning to.

Of course we still feel for people we havent seen in a year and in the ridiculous horrific obscene and bloody incidents that is the norm when survivors and fellow battlers are around. There are parts of us that never stop believing often blindly that its safe now. Or that it doesn't matter because the isolation is killing us anyway so whatever punishment would be worth it.

Bigger Picture

We still love. Still hope. Still yearn and believe in so much better than we have usually have. We smile easy. So many can't or won't.

Lots of positives.

Its gonna be great when we are back together.

July 16, 2016

much better

Thank you so much Stina. There are times when we would not write if it wasnt for your comments. Thank you for reminding us there is humanity out there, humans with the guts to not look away, the hearts strong enough to not dismiss the unpleasant and minds deep enough to know that we will always be victims always be abusers when we let outside forces determine what has value and what can be true.

We will hopefully redraft that..

Think the cleaners are the only staff members who have not asked how the hour of access went.. We are glad (we think) that they know whats going on. Its been visable a few times in quite a few of the nurses and care assistants an automatic parental empathy and fear of exhaustion and crisis leading to the crisis of estrangement and powerlessness.

We are truly starting to love our home though. Its not "the house" like it always has been no matter how much we worked on it. The jobs we couldnt do will be done. Of course we need the overnight passes or discharge for a lot of it though. At the moment though we are enjoying the bus ride on the twisty wee roads with everything in bloom.

We are most anxious here. Shops, public transport even waiting for public transport are ok to fine. In here its a different story. Without cannabis we are waking up distressed from nightmares every night are treating it with chocolate buttons which seems to be working and not too worried that we will develop half asleep night eating habits..

We are not planning on buying or trying to buy on our first night out. We have no idea how scared, paranoid, at risk we will be.. There is only the one set of keys. There used to be two. That is a genuine concern espically with the shit bag landlord who isnt going to be changing any locks any time soon.

Locks are a bit of a mental thing sometimes though arent they.. CID have them we believe, cause thats what they said.. We think. FFS.

To end on a positive note though we are a shit load more healthy than we were a few weeks a go, calmer, stronger, browner, we brush our teeth twice a day and scrub and moisturise daily, bought fucking nail polish today.. Its a pale greeny colour..