August 02, 2015

10th of August

It wasn't the time to be thinking about where all this shit came from. Not for us anyway. Some of what happened to mum she never let me see. She said we had to trust her and we did. Usually. I'd seen how hard she fought to stop me knowing and felt her terror when it looked like I might see so we never looked now matter how hard people tried to make us. We did our time tracing this terror back through the wars and further of course what with mother and her friends' files we were allowed to see and lots more across the globe but there was still a sense of not knowing and had asked her is the stuff she would never tell us had something to do with the 10th of August and she agreed. It didnt take too many years of survivng the worst days or given getting through the quieter times that you often had to let everything you thought you knew to be real.

Especially in August. 

Getting through it meant abandoning all sense of the past rather than watch as all your safe places were turned torture chambers. Nothing feels less like your flesh, less like the present than your body in the here and now and its almost understandable how so many people het washed under and end up as nothing but obstacles for those fighting to keep their heads above water.

It was a insect of a question. Everyone flicking and willing it to go pester some other bastards there would no answers to help any of us any time soon. It was partly our dreaded curiosity to but I knew the whole 'no safety, no truth' thing wasn't some smeegle like clutch to a life that was long ago impossible. I had no choice but to take this ridiculous mind, the Resistance, the ridiculous circumstances and mass scale crimes against humanity seriously.

The abusers were very early on the scene when we were very little. We would of managed not to tell them everything. I hope, we didnt know what condition mother was in and had looked for her protection when she was already calling for mine.  There wasn't any time or energy this time last year to be getting deeply into anything that was crucial. Too many operations at crucial stages, and too many people trying to determine our future or kill us.

'What is it about the 10th August anyway?'

Bowbly centre's 'Ritual and Abuse and mind control' seemed a good place to start but its section on August on Lammas and of course heaps of other horrors but no specfic mention of the 10th.  As someone who attended classical British education establishments the next step was not Wikipeadia it was Encyclopaedia Britannica which was of course useless. The first entry on Wiki is as many of you readers well already know fine is the 10th of August is 'shorthand for the Tuiliers Palace'.. i.e. the French Revolution..

We often try and remember the few French Revolution lectures we made it to but there were awful times.

As we have stated at times in many ways we are left wing in a give a uniform (or just a weapon) kind of a way. On the other hand history has demonstrated by any dumbasses reconing that cutting the heads of whoever happens to be born or married into to situations where they have bits of paper that says they own more shit that anyone could ever manage does not lead to an end to widespread hunger and injustice. Its those in a position to benefit the most of the old pre determined, short term, self destructive bullshit continues as well those who feel they commited such gross acts that they deserve the power and who vomit at the thought of actual news papers, TV stations and web sites printing, showing and discussing actual things that have or are happening in an vaguely informed and wholestic manner.

There is of course the ever present all kinds of horrific satanic horrors who have exploited issues relating to my own bloodline and social life which it comes to the 10th.. I dont have the documentation to hand. I just have actual DNA. And a skill set that most people prefer not to go against if we are feel very confident of a course of action..

most people..

if they are in their right mind..


Random association time -"August the 10th" 'I hate the fucking press'

For us.  All of us. It was always inescapable We would all work with everything we could to stay blind to the associations we were all being bombarded with in very co-ordinated ways. Using every trick we could to manipluate our consciousness away from knowing it was August. We were all in pieces, you can see it peoples eyes when you walk outside or try to talk to someone. Everyone buried so deep inside themselves its impossible to know who is safe and who isnt. When their plans and scenes really start up it was impossible to keep an eye on yourself and all the parts of yourself that they may well know all about as they created them but no one has told you.  So easy for them to find a way in, a deeply traumatised little, a triggered blind action procedure, an E.P that has been waiting and hiding for years, even hearing a word can initiate mental and emotional processes that even those who understand all the precise procedures, tech and corruption can still not get out of and if your on your own, already ill, in danger etc.. yikes..

 It was that feeling all the your work all the effort to build bridges inside ourselves and between each other and we would feel it unravel back to previous state, like there can been no fighting, no running,  no learning, no healing that made us think fuck this a few times. Some bastard or bastards would turn up last minute though and show us what we had achieved, what was only going to get better and it was because of us and that is would get better, even though we had been told it million times. Things have to change. No matter what.

They take away what we build to survive and then they gloat about it through the life styles, careers and choices of the people who are supposed to protect us.

We would be told by them that turned up after the worst had been cleaned up that it was just programming, we were just being made to feel that way, that it wasn't real. That they were police, MI5, CIA, FBI etc and they were going help us but they needed our help to explain what happened and to gather more evidence. But that was ridiculous. We all had to stop feeling and not let them catch you thinking. Everyone knew long before puberty that this was utter shit. These people were the worst. Most other kids stopped talking to anyone but our abusers would all still be making us all talk. I had my mother though. Driving us forward. Forcing us to run when we would rather of just let them kill us.

The only way to break the power over everyone was to find out peoples worst triggers, the stuff that made completely dissociate any time rendering them totally fucking vulnerable to any well know or experimental techniques aimed at the destruction of the individual's sense of self. Or in laymens terms when shit is at its worst and you have been targeted they may have doing things you never thought you were capable of such as child sexual abuse or murder. How? because your abusers and all those who have seen the tapes no exactly what was done and said even it you dont and they can trick your poor flesh acting out what was done to you on another child. Actually there are more steps and a longterm fuck with you campign to build up to events up but when we described there is something that sick cunts get involved in and attempt while terrify children into thinking they can do it all the time whenever they want.

One of the simpliest and worst is using triggers of all kinds to distract adult survivors so they can grab their bairns. Absolute nightmare that one.

Some people didn't want to where they have been. It woulnt matter how much I or anyone else explained them how it was important that they acknowledge it and that does not mean reliving it and that they needed to everything they could to look after themselves because once anyone was was captured they would be used for the worst. Sometimes they would return them in their big shinny cars, gloating and laughing loudly, no more bother from that one...  

The worst of the deaths, the tortures would recorded to be used to trigger, to be manipulated to make those involved look different, and other uses of course..

Some of us are curios as to why the 10th of August is not mentioned Epstein and Schwartzs. Plenty of other stuff is mention like the Warsaw ghetto and Nazi Birthdays but not the French Revolution. Dont think its as bad as the whole Laurie Matthew down playing the money, the VIPs, the military,the whole in extreme situations, certain individuals especially those with particular DNA and PTSD exhibit what some may describe as 'psychic'

Or in our own language.. Your all telling all the bairns that what they experienced didnt happen, they didnt all see or feel what they all heard, just like with sexual abuse which they all being victimised and/or exposed to 'didn't happen, thats impossible, s/he wouldnt do that, these things are not real.. Thus making them scared because they know they are being lied to about matters of life and death, making them more vulnerable to grooming by people who dont have the same hang ups and who often have decades of experience in using mind manipulation to influence and control children.  Due to there own unrecognised triggers and unprocessed horrific traumas they to are still on some levels small abused children and can use their small hurt scared selves to gain the trust of external littles..

Which makes sensitive intelligent souls in danger of getting a bit trigger happy.











whove

July 30, 2015

Your all programmed UK. And everyone knows.

Usual can't wake up properly here not enough support.. Getting there through the levels (Hi Dad & co). They can't treat us with respect here that's for fucking certain. Few Brits do if they are not military, police or otherwise trained in recognising and resisting mindcontrol and systematic child abuse by ourselves or by someone we trained.


Fucking revolting State. Our while life we have been contacted by people from all over the world saying they know about me, they know about Louise, they know about the music the experiments, the schools, the NHS, the programming, the money the sonar the radios the labotomies the breeding the GM the triggers our skills our friends the murders the total absence of any child safety anywhere the money the MPs the city and they say thank you for any help we gave them.. 

Not here though. Abuser contact only. 

'You don't exist.'

The world disagrees UK and most had no problem noticing that the writer here and Louise Johnston were two different people and found your treatment of us and all the bairns seriously distasteful.

Bout time you woke up UK keep your on the rail the sickos rammed into your heid when tiny wee if you like but the rest of us are done with it you zombie cunts. Can't keep letting you destroy generation after generation here whilst stunting and perverting all progress everywhere else because you won't process your own traumas and are scared of change.

Tuff.

Hear me now?

..whatever...






 


June 27, 2015

..well..



Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham.

The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime.

Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him.

Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC..

Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at arms length our whole life.

Dont know what's going to happen next but we want our boys back and our Ben.

June 21, 2015

Damn it.

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us. 

Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean. 

Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem. 

Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't able to and hunting down the sickos now isn't going to make us feel better about it or much us feel/be safer. 

Such a machine with the skills to turn anyone they want and convince them of whatever they want it feels so pointless even bothering to have any kind of life. 

So much stuff we need to clear out and clear out now before it causes more damage. Our resilience will return eventully and with it the abuse and dangers or least this is how it has always been.

Are we in a place where we no longer accept rape and rape threats as the way it is for us.. Can't even image such a place.

They got Summer. As well as lots of the rest of us.  

Like other posts we have written and things we have done and said particularly while we lived in Dundee recently but over the whole of our life before that we do it know they might use it as an excuse. It is after all us raising our eyes of the floor and staking a claim to live that is not tolerated from trafficking victims like me. 

But we have to.

June 20, 2015

Proper bam

Hello.

So much from the last couple of years has exposed itself. Bertie really is a grooming raping bastard as we may of mentioned before. Ferris associate and the worst of the police, intel traffickers etc. it's not new new stuff though.. Nothing from living in this house. When he admited stuff from when we were young we didn't even care. We know it must of started young because of how wierd we get around him. Not ourselves. Amnesiac.

Guess you need a bloke to do your hovering before you can properly come to terms with how often he has been involved in ruining our and others lifes. 

Yep lots of stuff about the last couple of years most of which we don't feel up for blogging or talking about with T. 

Yes I am concerned that I let someone into my house who is deeply involved in abuse networks, who has raped before and now knows everything about where me, junior & the cuzs often sleep.. But we do feel awake and present enough without the extreme anxiety know that we know that we have done that. 

Their is some comfort in that it is known about and not just by all the wrong people.  Also in feeling some confidence that these walls will stay down and in our abilities to deal with any shit should it occur.

Not attempting to look into the future. But we don't feel dangerously low and trapped as E.Ps as we have as a long time. Our old Nemisis - Oral. 


June 13, 2015

It does change.

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure.

We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely new in some cases.

Everything has felt so strange, so horrible for so long, beyond what we can cope with or medicate away. We reached out, as therapist says that's a good thing and as a result we have a much cleaner house but in return we got a lengthy insensitive lecture from one person and so much insensitivity later from someone else we became so triggered we completely lost sense of time and place and was back in the freezing cold and dark of the eighties. We said something, don't know what and I'm glad I dont, it was some sort of question to someone about some abuser order or expectation. We are still going cold thinking about it. We don't want to go back there but I don't think we got the me out either. Jersey, someone keeps saying.

Therapist helped a lot, she has never seen us cry so much. We talked a lot about mourning and how/if any of the things people do for more everyday deaths and loss can be used to help us. That reminded us of buying the rose bush and other things we could do with our garden. We know we need something external, to do something that will last and that other people can see. She encouraged us not hold on too tightly to the idea of counting them all and that feels right this now. It all feels real enough, we have lost the guilt that comes with not remembering or rejecting truth but what has replaced it not for us to give much specifics on tonight.

We have been struggling and so vulnerable for so long now, seeing and being with them from the late 80's onwards, some unknown date when ovulation first happened to now we have either been pregnant or under the threat of it and all that sickest across the globe could think to do with a pregnant invisible with DID. Obvs we feel safer now or this wouldnt be being typed without shaking hands and searing pain.

Physically we are exhausted, really exhausted we need to find a way to make it easier now, so she talked about containers which worked well during the worst of it later on that night. She also suggested kind of hesitantly, that maybe some kind of magical thinking would be good for the littles.. guess that gave us some kind of permission, some validation from a good person that it was ok to see them in fairies or nature, to let our imagination do whatever it needs to do find a way to thrive and to celebrate them.

Must seen so grim from the outside 'celebrating' such short, horrific lives but they were beautiful unique souls that cant ever be brought back or copied and we need move on from the devastation stage.  From regularly returning to the devastation stage. The cant eat, cant see a point to existence, life in an abyss stage.  Therapist was so good at not glossing over how long it will take to feel better about so much loss and pain. We need to feel grounded but need something positive to be part of that ground and she is amazing at that. Many of us have always been so keen to find something good and to pull the rest of us away from things that hurt us and we know are being to trust them and will find someone else who will help us build a safe space that is strong enough to hold the worst of it all.

Part of her job is to get us to a place where its possible for other positive relationships to happen and its terrifying us that it seems to be working. With the dust settling in the fatigue after the emotional and mental turmoil recently it feels like we could reach out and touch it, something very real and unlike what's been allowed or forced on us before. What it will have to wait until we have gathered ourself a bit more and had the space we need from whatever the hell that was. Something else from the session that is comforting was her emphasis on empathy and the way she kept showing us when showed it. Its good to be in an environment when having some or even lots doesnt have to be a dirty secret or serious liability. It gives us hope.

Lay in the sun today, getting all brown and bubbling with excited parts so relieved to be alive and upfront and not crippled and our garden.

Take over Summer,  when its needed. We think we probably have the 'No's covered now but we are going to need you for any 'Yes's..

June 10, 2015

Co consciousness DID

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed.

We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abusers are exactly where they want to be and beyond being dead we are exactly where they want us to be to.

Resenting the pills, sick of gabapentin. I say as I take another. It feels like as long as we live in a world where people think if other people are lost causes we will not let go off the murdered ones. We know it's what some abusers told us to feel but we feel that way anyway. We know that we are making ourself a 'lost cause' by not being able to move forward. 

But in a world where such things can happen, by so many people over so many years it's so hard to not feel like it doesn't matter what we can or can't do, what we have and haven't done it's the world that's the lost cause. 

I'm so scared off remembering and I'm scared off whatever is planned for us next and I'm scared of the way we are programmed and of how much we get caught up & dragged down by it everyday. 

....