October 31, 2015

still breathing

Sent an email to therapist saying we wont be back. Impossible to get any further, too many forces pushed her away from seeing us at the times it matter most. Our coping mechanisms and the traumas they attempt to get us through are beyond her training and experience.  We told her about the pink jelly stuff with the dark line in it on the medical gauze and how it was Gabe early and during desperate life and death times and for whatever reason she fucked up and told us it wasn't true. Then we wanted to quit but abusers wouldnt let us. We told her about that to.

She did some of us good to. It wasn't all damage. But when she denied that she was denying when her whole existence it wasn't just the memories we had to shove at back of a drawer, locked the drawer, roll the chest to the back of a cupboard, lock the house then run to another country it was but our whole identity, my whole self. She tried to tell us that is wasn't our whole identity but we were there for DID therapy and 'we' came into existence at that time and it would be impossible to get any real work done on anything when she hurt the part who survived that, the part who was the caregiver, the rock to all of us who came about after and many before.

How the fuck is therapy going to work if its under threat of horrific violence from people who have carried it out on you before anyway? How is anything ever going to work when shit like that is going on? and the police have the worst on salaries, union clout and daily access to and over the most vulnerable.

We're not deleting the account but the twitter app is off our phone and we haven't watched anything other than Grey's Anatomy or Nurse Jackie in a while. It really helps. Especially Grey's.

Meddling with the Gabapentin again for pain as well as emotional/psychological reasons. Period late, light and not stopping. We know. If it doesn't settle soon go to the NHS even if they are useless if the take any swabs or blood or anything you will run them properly and let us know if there is anything urgent.

Don't know what state anyone else is in. Not going anywhere. The essentials are delivered. Too much shell shock for much in the way of specific hopes but also way to awake to not have any either..

Send more drugs. Better drugs.
And Hybrid.

October 03, 2015


Hi Dad,

We have started post with those two words a few times not sure if we managed more few words nevermind ever hitting 'publish'. Maybe there is heaps of them. Don't know. Not checking.. We have giving in to the waiting to be rescued. Its the end of term next week and we have gone the whole time paying almost £2 a day because we havent got it in us to to sort out the free school meals so all the steps to getting his passport renewed aren't happening.

 Margo phoned and asked if we would go down this evening and watch a film, eat some snacks said she wanted some adult company so what the fuck she is asking us for I don't know. I'd like some adult company to. As therapist would say its not our job to meet her social needs so we said we would think about it but have no intention and made repeated V signs at the phone once it was over.

Hash and a new old xbox game are our main crutches this now and will continue to lean on them heavily tonight. I have made prior commitments to stalk a fictional character who may have a grudge against another fictional character's giant pet rats. I have no time for role playing as a family with Margo and whoevers' interests she is currently representing.

Learn a lot of computer games. We definitely seem to have a tendency to rush in without properly assessing risks.

Have come to terms with Spotify. Take the money you bastards. Its so easy. Been playing early REM this week and the late night jazz list. Theme from Charlie Brown, Chet Baker and Miles Davis. Love it.

No idea what you are up and don't want to if you cant tell me yourself.

He's fine. Joined a local martial arts class. I stayed and watched the first time but left the week after and will probably mostly do that. Some of the kids are really good and that makes us smile. He isnt which also makes us smile but found it really hard not to peck at him.

Pain just isnt an all day most days problem at all. Still made worse by same stuff though. The after period pain still the times when we feel so very little and so very hurt.

Got some dental work done. I know right! With the access to drugs we have.. Never happen yesterday though first time we have bailed on school to this term..

Hope your not to cornered. And if at all possible do feel free to rescue us so we can begin to become a major player in our own life and not an invisible or insignificant character. It would be much appreciated.

All such a mess. Seem to be mostly beyond the 'watch news to fuck yourself over' programming. Still going on twitter but usually end up wondering why.

Need hugs dad.

We hug wee man lots but he's a boy and needs us to be an adult as much as possible when we need to not be one.

Love as always.
(we think)