October 17, 2013

Us - October 2013

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it can't be a bad thing to say again, with even more truth behind it.  We have stopped listening to BBC radio.

Felt so much better today and yesterday that invited one remaining new friend over for wine and Chinese. She's worried about me. Should she be told less or more? I told her to check out the charges against the bloke from the lost profits. Never mentioning anything about any of isn't an option, all there is with me and where any of us has been is DID, trafficking, incest and 'heavy dudes' from all walks of life.  Chatting is a nightmare and if something new about Jimmy Savile comes on the radio its going to be obvious I want to hear what was said.  She's doing better than G from the burgh though who has become another yet reason to stay the fuck away from facebook permanently and provided an opportunity to recognize the utter disaster zone that is our sexuality/ies without putting the whole experience down to bad luck.  Our personalities, our specific cocktails of PTSD related issues are not going to work well together at the moment.

Definitely officially unshagable, unemployable and fairly unsocialable for the foreseeable future anyway as thoughts relating to sex trigger parts that are 12 and her little sisters and brothers and we are no where near fixing that yet to the point of possibly losing motor skills and cognitive abilities.  The whole 'lets pretend there is an 'I' here' thing to be having any sex at all has had another massive strip ripped off. There's not much left and what is left is increasingly transparent or opaque rather than granite and solid black.  In the long term its a good thing, its necessary to not be vulnerable and anxious all the time to have some relationship with reality even if that reality is hell but blasting away the BS foundations makes for lots more anxious and vulnerability in the short term.

12. She doesn't have any concept of a name. Just triggers that allow people to hurt her, behave to ways she doesn't want to and be in places she hates.

wtf. She's a main product/subject of abuse and trafficking ring based in UK involving lots of media and entertainment types but they were assisted by Scottish RA rings and others.  She managed to hold on to sense that sex with little children was wrong and not the child's fault but had been taught to see that as ending at puberty, she struggled hard against the shame she was told to feel because she had a female post puberty body.  The rape was brutal, prolonged and sometimes public.  By 2001 she was still 12 still mostly amnesiac and they decided it was time to make her not amnesiac anymore. The main people involved in it had be so for ten years or more. That ten years of us fighting, switching and being caught out.  Ten years of having little or no control over my fertility or health or lifestyle never mind who we spend time with.  Ten years of giving specific details to police up and down the country and it making it worse.  Ten years of watching their public careers and or money and influence grow while I was in more and more pain, more and more alienated and victimized and losing count of their other victims that aren't around to be not believed and not cared about.

We struggle to know what to do for her but we have started buying and accepting gifts for the kids maybe if we reduce the anxiety around her she will find away to think and feel outside of the relentless mind control torture experiments.  There is an amazon packet shoved under the bed for a boy who was the first the pick out a toy for his sister, some how it seems to have postage paid on it and came first. Whoever did this thank you. He feels so guilty and he's so little.  What can you do with people we treat wee bodies and minds like that? Surely not give them what ever they want and let them get on with it.  It's going to take a while for him to move on from what those people did, for all that shock to unravel and for the administrator to get that it wasn't someone in here's fault. The damage was done be actual real other people who hurt and damaged lots of other children to.  No one made this horror up in their heads because they are bad or not well it was real. The little girl was happy to wait for her presents, she's excited and happy.  I see them in new clean clothes with warm well fed clean safe bodies they aren't used to, smiling and sleepy and any a setting that is increasingly less chaotic.  Its a cool stage to be in really once the social hang up about buying yourself play mobile when your supposed to be a grown woman has been crossed.  Lots more playing knex and lego with wee man too.    

October 14, 2013

We love and need you all.

You can say, write or draw anything you want. Most of the triggers are deactivated so you will not be on your own with it ever again. The boy is grown up now and after Glasgow Tong can't pull us back into it all again. We coz too much bother no one wants anything to do with us! You don't have feel guilty for sharing what happened, yes its crippled us but it won't always be that way. We have an outside person who listens and believes us so we don't feel cut off from they whole world anymore like they told you you would always feel. Thank for being here, thank for hiding and for sharing but you don't have to disappear anymore. Please think about what you need and what you like, you will be heard and everyone will do what they can to make you less sore, less terrified and less alone. You are awesome.

you will always be 12


The Moyles, Dave and Chapters victim parts have been back pretty much full time again. 2001 was the worst, sometimes them and the dream team together. Lots of just the 3 of them. 'Penis or prolapse' always a favorite game in abuse networks. They took turns analy raping me for as long as it took. In the living room, the hall, the bathroom. When they got what they wanted they brought out another DID part put my hand behind my back and asked me to guess what I was holding. They would force me to do something on camera before I would be given painkillers or taken to hospital. Chappers espically seemed to get off on making me watch the footage on you tube or whatever porn site. I didn't get it how could making me watch it online be any worse?  There was always lots of games in that sort of abuse. They did it again months later but it was just Moyles flaccid penis that time I was very relieved then the other two started on me again. In hospital there was little parts coming out telling hospital staff or whoever what was going on with their little kid voices. I'm not a prostitute. They were back after I got out of hospital but left my bum alone for a little while. The noise he made when the amneotic  sack burst. Gangraped with friends or daily show in the back ground so i'd be triggered when i watched them and wouldn't laugh anymore. Running away and them catching us to rape on the street in day light, evil fuckers watching and gloating. Some didn't look like they liked it but they knew they would be next if the did anything to stop. Black bags taped to the carpet. Police coming in. Then leaving again, one stayed to have a go. Another time, gag her lads. Neighbors complaining about the screaming. Some people died. They got Petey to and in glasgow. They were going to kill me but I knew I could get intervention for that so I'm still here. I wanted to die but not by them. Afterwards I told fife police in 2004 and Glasgow 2005 they turned up as I knew they would with La Vall and Privaro. Disgusted the locals. Police again in 2011 it was the same officer who took what I fantasied would be the first of many yewtree statements she brought it up but the parts weren't around. When she asked about Chris Moyles and being trafficked by him all I could say was 'sounds about right.' There was times I could of killed him, or Dave or chappers but fear stopped us. Fear of what?! Coulson, do you know?