Posts

Showing posts from 2018

Hands

They're keeping me awake. Got as much out of the voltarole tube as we can better remember and get more tomorrow. We built the playmobil pyramid its very cool, particulary the skeleton that fits inside the mummy that fits inside the sarcofagus. We said it was like a cool Russia doll. He said they were called Russian nesting dolls so we said if it wasn't Xmas he might of got a mansplaining ear flick for that. It wasn't liked it was the first time in that hour/day that he corrected without any real need. It gets a bit relentless at times. We've said before it can really bring us down. Particulary when we really struggling with mood and pain and really forcing ourself to do essential stuff.

Was hoping to avoid taking more codiene at least until after we have slept but the pain and all the associated memories and misery have made that impossible. Trying not think of the stuff that we never got to do much outside of the trafficking that this pain means we are highly unlikel…

Keep looking at the stars and hoping

Image
Little Prince was quite wonderful. Might have to force the dude to watch it with me next time, watched Kubo again with him today and enjoyed it again. Did pay a little more attention to the names in the credits this time and beyond George Takai couldn't spot any that looked even vaguely Asian and that bugged. Did remind us of a phone call in Dundee and making a joke about anyone who has even been on holiday East of Africa not being barred from the studio. We miss parts being front and center that aren't English speakers and we miss they people they talked to. Its why we are kept isolated the less people we speak to, the less of us can communicate internally or externally amongst ourselves. The cannbinoids couldn't allow us to switch languages and cultures that takes prior scheduling, big changes in environment or serious need but it does give us a much wider sense of who we are and where we have been and it's not going to stop being heartbreaking trapped in a dark cor…

Chill

Thinking or feeling rather that the stuffing balls may of been undercooked and that's why we've got the upset tum. Not taking the kettle to the bathroom to fill it anymore. Just using a cup that can fit under the kitchen tap and using it to get enough water in the kettle. The lad has no problem with a lazy day. Never does. Or at least not since he was three or four and said he wanted to go to park but we couldn't but didn't say it was because it was too fucking dangerous and I was to weak to feel I could deal with whatever was threatened. He never asked again. It's always gonna hurt remembering that and how dejected he looked when we said sorry, no.

Now Christmas day has past we are able to have the kind of boxing day we love, close to a loved one but mostly by ourself, listening to chilled music, looking out the window, napping. Our hands and our back and our everything else needed a break. The tattie peeling has been particulary painful but it meant today both h…

Winterfest guts

Image
Not at all surprising. If we just keep eating and drinking we won't feel so much or want to cry!! It doesn't work much. Back on the tea now, no cream no cinnamon no honey no brandy, just nice plain tea. Lad seems pretty chuffed with his haul. The playmobil Hickup and Toothless is particulary cool. Built the pirate ship its not bad, especially as we put a girl pirate on it. The pyramid will have to wait. Think it will be a little trickier to build as its got a few moving parts but that's what makes it so cool. Sweets, shinny things, soft fluffy things and super smash bros. Essentials covered.

Cooking is tricky enough in a decent sized kitchen but in the mini one it wasn't easier. There is the grill space to keep things warm though so that helped. We've been using his big desk to eat the big meals. This was the 21st..
 Works not to bad.


Can hear him getting in about the left overs at the moment. Don't have a problem with that. There's heaps. Just as well coz…

Poor Princess

Knew it wasn't gonna be good when we saw "cat lady" come up on the phone. Jess is okay she was always cooler with us not being around for a while. Prince as they are calling him is still suffering. Hiding all the time and scratched some one. Checked with the agency landlord won't budge on the no pets. Kind of had is in right state yesterday after the call. Too upset to sleep which is a shame because we've been sleeping much better and now that pattern is all ruined. The lad was up with a funny tummy and is fevered today so all we had to do at half eight is leave a message and say he won't be coming in. Good in terms of having to organise him after only a few hours sleep scuppered my pub plans though. Might of ditched the idea because of anxiety anyway.

Did go out for milk though and a couple more stocking fillers and a new fluffy blanket to try and comfort and calm us. So fucking sick and pissed of at being so weepy and close to tears so much of the fucking …

Show face

Took it easy today. Well except for carrying the asda shop up the stairs. That was quite back hurting. Stacked freezer though. Bunch of stuff hidden away so the lad does scoff of all. Lots of wine, the brandy, chocolate, trimmings, desserts. All we need is the fresh stuff tatties and if we can source them without going to a supermarket coz that that's not happening, parsnips. Do love a roasted parsnip or two. And of course cannabis. Diazepam just doesn't touch the need for weed. It helps us sleep but it's hard to feel better for lots of sleep when the dreams are just so yucky, horrible, uncomfortable even of we do seem to be standing up for our self more in them they are not nice dreams but they are really fucking vivid and all the intense detailed unpleasantnesses keeps us pretty miserable and feeling hopeless even though we we are in a less hopeless and depressing place in terms of where we live. We still have our body.

Got some bill based adulting to do tomorrow also g…

Food and warmth though

Image
The wind last night had us fairly anxious. Knowing there was diazepam waiting for us didn’t help at all. It died down but the anxiety over the wind chapping at our letter box became dread of nightmares. And we were right when we gave in we had lots of vivid dreams the worst one involved Lynne torturing our hands. The Sunday walk didnt happen or the sorting out of the rubbish and recycling but we did make tea. Ate curry while watching the new ghostbusters again his choice. It is damn cool.
...

Picked up the meds today though. Earlier on was all "I'm good don't need no anti anxiety." But now I'm all lonely and weedless and weepy. Gotta watch it with the vino. A little is great. Too much and it just exaggerates the loneliness and sadness. Tired too though. Think we got all the stocking fillers we need. Went down to bank to. Lost the habit of eating during the day when there was nothing to eat and that isn't gonna help anything. Had a banana and a bag of crisps …

So there is no "Paul" but there is a David. Is that right?

Image
Prove ID at the job centre went OK. We have ID which of course helped a lot. So very glad we took the citizen card out if our purse years ago because we lost several purses since then and it would of been a serious pain. Got an instant advance to so the rent was only a day late. Very wincy amount of money gonna be coming out of our unknown amount of benefits for the next year. Doctor yesterday seemed like a nice guy as well checked our hands better than anyone else has 'wear and tare arthritis " figured. Unfair and figured. Didn't pick up the prescriptions he gave me though because this is England and we had no idea if we qualified for free ones and haven't ran out of anything we need most just yet. Kind of helps knowing there is diazipam there for us even though we haven't picked it up, should of just ticked the ESA box of course.

Managed our first walk about by our self with our jammie bottoms on under our grubby old tracky trousers. The freezing cold, not know…

Grinchey Mother Fuckers

Not I would expect any better from Clarence and co, someone who had a go at Margo's level of house cleaning. He wants his tenents to stop him from needing to spend a penny on his property so he can just sit back and take the money. We did think all the talk about understanding the circumstances when we handed over the keys was bollocks. The cunt has caused serious stress and tears for Margo, Laura and us. Last time though. They're dead and I'm gone. The assistant sent photos of the mess left and an attempt to shame us, their are always about the shaming, detritus and bags of rubbish - shock! An unclean cooker - awful! Bathroom with soap bottle and a strip that comes of a pad so you can stick them to your knickers - oh the horror!! The decorator's ladder and unused paint - how dare we!! We did of course say we would do what we could and would focus on the furniture and clearing the shed but would be physically unable to clean and would have to leave before the removals…

Hope

Hope we can talk to decent GP tomorrow, preferably one that wont be shocked, disgusted etc at our littles. Wish we could take a break from the codiene but no chance with no erbal and pain at the levels its been last few days and all the stuff we need to do. Wish we could get at break from the nightmares as well as the irritability, sadness and disappointment the pain brings. Couldnt, wouldn’t sleep until after five last night, just didn’t want to return to a place where our experience overwhelmes everything else about us.

Hope we get the deposit back tomorrow but almost certainly wont so we can eat and buy baccy. The school is all about the compulsory formal wear, its gonna have to wait until after Christmas though.

Managed to put up some decor in the hall today. Usual plans we hoped to manage the night before were impossible. But we did a little and it looks really pretty. Still haven’t tried out our new mini hoover yet.

Come home.




Tree's up

Polar Express DVD still works, we watched it last night after doing the tree. He got involved more than he has in previous years. He's maybe got a bit of distance between him and his Xmas triggers. Sick satanic anti people bastards will do all they can to make sure little kids associate the festivities with terror, pain and misery. Cunts.

Not regretting buying the double oven even if it hasn't been wired in yet because we don't have the 20 to give the agencies electricians and have no pissing cash for food anyway. There's an Iceland near and we got a few things so not completely starving. It's a pain though, espically when in pain, always horridly sensitive and have lots to do. Will finish the universal credit application as soon as the ESA is in and try not to spend too much. There isn't much we need expect food and to pay bills etc and we have a cooker we can use and that of course will help a lot. Horrible not knowing what we will get or when or how much bi…

FUCK OFF Anxiety

Seriously, do one.

Yes We know flitting is very stressful for anyone, yes we know having no support network makes everything harder, yes we know PTSD can be awful and is not well supported by the NHS while DID isnt even recognised as a thing, yes we know chronic pain can make anyone's life miserable, yes we know many people are find financial insecurity in general and the change to universal credit in particular really unpleasant, yes we know its not easy being a single parent. Yes We know that that when trafficking victims who had years of torture programming do something they have been repeatedly told to not do whilst being tortured they do not feel comfortable no matter how much in their interests it is to do thing their abusers told them not to do. Yes We know everything we have achieved recently is exhausting and is going to take us a while to recover. But for fuck sake give us a break.

Seriously.

Guess we better see if the docs gave processed our registration tomorrow and s…

Wednesday, the day after Tuesday.

Early evening sleeps meant we were both awake in the wee small hours. They didn't feel to wee or small. Thankfully google told us about a newsagent nearby that opens at 5:30. It was quite beautiful actually, freezing cold, all the decorations, clear skies with a tiny sliver of a moon and the north star or whatever planet it is both shinning really bright. Then home to coziness and nicotine outside looking up at the stars.

We were in the cheap everything shop at about half eight replacing stuff that got left and we need but really can't afford. Forgot we don't have kitchen knives but we won't be able to install the cooker that arrives later ourself anyway. We did it when we were younger but the extra trauma since then has kind of annihilated what was left of our concentration, confidence and memory. And there wasn't cash left for asda order so it got cancelled. We did eat out though. Necessary after so long on junk food. We cleaned ourself up, put on some foundatio…

Monday, the day before Tuesday.

Early night and early morning, good chance we can do the same tonight. Hope so, really hope so because on top of the knackerness of so much to do, no cooker to cook decent meals with and no money to eat out or get something delivered we now are out of baccy to. And it's only fucking 1844.

Middle school seems pretty decent, we were actually a little jealous. It didn't have that stupefyingly triggering school smell. He seemed to like it to. Huge bonus of course. The worst part with the school and the docs was the whole "next of kin" thing.. Very short of surviving volunteers there.

Still dealing with boxes and decor and chuffness and exhaustedness at home. Room is feeling very mine and the piles of decor are becoming smaller and less overwhelming. I'm sure after lots of food we will be less intimidated by thought of opening up the Xmas boxes and dealing with the tree bought for a property considerable larger than this. Shiny stuff, Xmas movies and munchies with th…

Beach, December rain and Decor

Was expecting more moaning from the lad when we started walking the opposite way from shop but he was mostly cool. When we saw the slide in the little park and the beach itself we knew we had been here before. Big sense of us being okay and cared for at the time. We saw us wave to ourself on the way back up, it was a dry warm summer day where she was and with friends, she’s a happy chatty popular kid. Cold and constant drizzle with me and the lad now. We winked back.

Beach though. Then a shop. Without public transport, without walking for miles. Later on when we were back home we even had some energy left to put up some decor in our room. Not ready for any xmasification, can barely step foot in the livingroom cause thats where we dumped heaps of stuff so we could sort out our room.

Fucking knackered and sore now but thats not suprising. Seeing the news piece about a woman spending all her money to legally get weed imported through a private doc made us kind of us buckle a bit. Especi…

Could see outside from bed today, pretty cool

Pain just friggin awful. Dude got us playing a board game and that helped distract us for a while after that we did some sorting out and moving stuff. In that horrible place where we don't want to move then when we do start doing stuff it helps distract and we don't wanna stop but we know the more we do the worse it will be and the harder it will be to eat coz we are so tired.

Dreams horrible and that always has us feeling weak and tearful.

Will be able to put up some decor tomorrow though that will be seriously pleasing. Not has fun as it would be if we had cannabis to help with the nightmare triggers, pain and knowing where things look right. But still lovely though. Not breaking open the Xmas boxes yet though will start with other stuff. Also gotta figure what bags and piles of clothes are clean and which are dirty and where to put them and that won't be so fun.

Still smiling to be here though and not caring about how much less space there is. Put books on our bookcase…

Friday

Can see our window now and found out the hot bath tap has a blue circle and cold has a red.. Really loving it still and not just cause we think we should but genuinely feeling at home and glad to be where we are. Haven't had any abuse either, actually one of the neighbours gave me a lighter coz we couldn't find any that worked independently. Never made the school meeting today, one of those over ambitious appointments. Its Friday, the last day in November. We fucking made it Daddy. Brought way too much furniture and decor but we are here and glad, and not just focusing on things that should be positive but arent because there is so much active and committed hate surrounding us.

Wrapped his playmobile advent calendar, saw how many Xmas presents were in the box and was so glad we made a good start. Local not wee shop sells micro pasta very handy until we can get a cooker, still no word on the deposit. The landlord was a grippy bastard who seemed to have no concept of life witho…

He's not us, he's been through a lot less

Still we feel like its us starting a new school. Brings back the lonilness, coldness and unpredictability of home and the coldness and expectations and noise of school and being very young and having nowhere safe or comfortable to be. That is not Pablo's situation.

Was about five I think before we got to sleep last night and the engineer woke us up at nine again coz vodaphone sent him back because they knew we still didn't have internet. Very good not having to chase it up ourselves. Wasn't the dudes fault though it was the router but its all fixed and superfast now. The weepiness returned in the evening and got worse when we couldn't find the sleepers we were pretty sure we had. Found in a drawer in the living room because the drawer had been at our bedside before we moved. Mircoed some bacon and hot chocolate. Hopefully will mean a bit less heartburn.

The better than nothing pills are kicking in, would so much rather not habe them and have decent weed instead, so we…

Character

Image
See.. Gorgeous.

Had a go at the kitchen today.. Its really really small gonna take a while and a fair bit of creativity to work it. But also of course a hell of a lot easier to keep clean. Dude's room is pretty excellent he's dead chuffed especially as we sorted it out enough for so it can be walked around in, computer set up and stuff.

Gutted about the balcony planters and the pink clematis..

Ventured out to the nearest shop for micro food and munchies it's huge, cheap and sells absolutely everything. Very handy a hell of a lot better than wee shops and their prices. Back in bed now though. Damn sore. The no cooker diet will not be helping. Haven't heard anything about the deposit yet but think we gotta just do it next week and order one which is gonna give us even less space. Our pretty metal microwave holder thing with the flowers on it is in the place where the cooker would go and there is no where else to put it. Kind of a shame.

Checking out the school tomorrow.…

here

So we’re here then... ten to five but it feels, sounds  and looks like 2145
Quite tired. Glad i left that daft wee bit, pulled one of our chairs up the backs and it helped keep me out the wind. So glad, so stressful and lots more exhausting ness to go but so glad.
We are somewhere where we dont really want to not be. This morning feels so long ago. We handled it, we arranged it, we waited on hold for the dwp to answer to find out where our esa was while packing. We hear the chuch bells. Wish we hadnt had to do it all on own it takes so much from uou, havinh to do everything on your own. Wind is fairly whistling not sure how bad it is or how much  its just a whistley place...

We both crashed out about 6pm i of course woke up again about 2 hours later, hes still sound. Was pretty cynical about wether or not the milk was packed and if i could find it. Oh the joys of discovering it in a bin. Very serious joy.

Gonna be surving on micro meals for a while has we cant afford a cooker yet. Do…

Monday

Not bad not bad. Just little bits and pieces and rubbish left. There will indeed be just enough for us really make our new smoking area feel like home. Had one earlier on to. It helped us stop feeling like there was too much do we have to do it all but we’re too tired to do any of it. We cant leave it spotless, it’s too big and im too little. Lad been doing not bad. No way we could of handled all of those trips to the charity shop. No way. Think he has given them my trainers by accident though thankfully i have other heavier walking type shoes coz i dont fancy wearing heels.

Worst bit physically was taking a box up to the post office for up the road. With lots of books in it. Few of Lauras things, photos and stuff. Seriously back hurting but great to not have so much of her stuff knowing the kids don’t have much and knowing no one else is going to do anything about it. Really glad we opened that tin of creamy coloured garden paint and freshened up a few of fancy decor for the kids an…

Sunday 2314

Yeah so thanks Zoplicone but we dont have a problem falling asleep at 7am and waking up a 4pm. That's already something we mastered. There's a couple of things we wish got round to today but it is okay we will either do them tomorrow or some time after or they wont happen. Kitchen and tidying up garden are main jobs for tomorrow. Bit short on boxes but we can pack gardening stuff inside planters, should give us enough space for kitchen stuff. Its mostly done. Would be good if we could send the some of the donations and their stuff at the road to tomorrow but might not manage.

So gonna be leaving early and leave the guys to it on flitting us, our kettle, milk, tea, slippers and favourite jumper gotta get out early and get the direct train.

Damn it we keeping that last but of twig with a spliff and half on it till we move. So none tomorrow, like usual. We can do this, we will be crazyhappy. Got our bottle for that first night, clean jammies and some of pabs essentials and a rea…

Just ticking those lists of like its one of our huge, trans global military ops

Quite nervous of taking the sleepers. We don't feel at all familiar with what this particular one will do to our system. We are very familiar with how we will feel if we dont get plenty sleep and have to tonnes of shit to do.

Glad the lad is sleeping at night again. Two nights in a row hes been crashed before 10 pm. Good stuff cause he's going be pulling his weight tomorrow. Well maybe not his whole weight he's only eleven and his next shoes are going to be size 10 or above... Gonna have to kit him out for new school.. Gonna have to find out at least one aspect of the benefit change over and us in a bit more concrete way. Its a definite source of a lot of health fucking up anxiety not knowing. Also know we wont get far and will cry if we can't figure out exactly what we need to know and how to ask it before hand.

We've done well but we have known at various stages we had no option but to push ourselves and past the point where we knew we were gonna manage comforta…

Friday and Saturday

Kinda thought I would be less exhausted, emotional, weepy and more motivated today.. Not so. Dudes took a full van load to the tip. Couple of things we forgot about but they probs wouldn't of fitted in anyway. Guess seeing Laura's stuff being taken away impacted us more than expected. Got a good few days to sort out what's left thank fuck because we are knackered. Didn't have much to do to prepare for the recycling dudes but it still took its toll. Have even unblocked another bloke in an attempt to temporarily unburn a bridge. Probs pointless but definitely won't get if we don't ask and small amount of diazepam isn't gonna get us out if this state.

...

Well its not sooper dooper but I haven't smoked any it two to three months thats  not a big deal its still wondrous. And we would be puking as we've had two glasses of wine when it turned up anyway if it was truly stupendous instead of taking down decor and lovingly wrapping it.

A van load gone today…

Thanksgiving

Haven’t tried the zopolpcone yet, havent need to been sleeping lots just with the diazepam, not all night but hours and hours here and there. Not the only one who crashed out after tea today when we woke we shouted down to the lad to help with sorting stuff for the recycling dudes got no answer and found him asleep in his school polo shirt. Really glad it’s harder to relax when its crazy late on a school night and you hear your son chatting away to himself. Not sure if he has truly mastered the fake sleep or if he has started whistling in his sleep. Pretty sure he can’t whistle when he’s awake but maybe hes learned at school. Hope he is a bit more use after a good nights sleep. Been a fair bit of huffy and puffing whenever we ask him to do the slightest thing and there is a fair bit to do especially in his room.

Personally got a fair bit done in the morning after waking up really early. Two boxes of broken or unwanted kitchen stuff. Fabulously garish xmas treat bowl found. Bloody kne…
Instant tears when we calmly attempted to read up on universal credit, PIP. We are stuck in bed in pain and wanted to do something to prepare for after the move but like before it doesn't work we just get in a state. Think I may have found an advocacy charity and I think one of the first thing to do is maybe see if I can speak to adult social work to help us figure out what we need to do about benefits, ect because we really really  need to not get iller.

Email to possible support & info sent, school application sent to but not sure if its the right form having same issues, formal language a real struggle and we cant concentrate, then start getting really upset because we need to be able to do this shit. Still rested a fair bit today lad was awake when we woke up about 6 am and might of been up all night. We let him sleep after that, partly because he was crazy hot last night and partly because we were crumbling at thought of the adult tasks required to get child up, ready an…

Dont wanna sleep, need to sleep..

Definitely seem to be freaking out a bit less and just being excited more. Neither state is good for sleeping though. Got a call from social housing about a potential offer. Place in Kilmarnock so glad we already got somewhere sorted. We just would of ended up crazy isolated like we are now, doubtful the scenery would be anything like what we are gonna be so close to soon. Would be cheaper and less deposit and they maybe of let us keep the cats and the fleas and maybe isnt a universal credit area also isnt an area where we have ever wanted to live either.

House clearance dudes booked, feels good to know we will be free of so much stuff and that the landlord wont be chasing us to pay for clearing it. Shitty of course we got left with all of Laura and the kids furniture. Will be amazing to be away from all the constant reminders of so much abuse, neglect and heartlessness. Its hasnt really worked trying mourn when so close to so many examples of how her and Margo’s life was made so int…

Sleep and then some more sleep

Eventually crashed out about an hour after he left for school and didn't wake up until he came home after three. Ordered food, bought some wine, did some dishes, drank some wine, eat some food, txted the guy not once but twice, got all emotional about the cats, noticed the absence of "delivered" or "read" on the texts thought fuck it its worth ago and used our landline to call him.. He answered said he was busy and would call back later and of course hasn't.

Guess it's not completely impossible that he will get in touch over the next few days but I'm thinking its unlikely. Which is a damn shame cause we would really benefit from some form of cannabis. We fell asleep again after phoning him and woke up about twenty minutes ago. Was thinking we felt a bit better but then we mentioned the cats and yeah we are still crazy emotional about the cats, and damn sore and haven't done anything about the infestation and am all creeped out by all the dreami…

pennies

Checked the bank at about 2am and found the loan was in. Was not expecting it to go in at 2am on a Monday. We sensibly paid our phone bill, ordered nothing but bubble wrap from Amazon and put in a grocery delivery with Asda. Its really sinking in that we are gonna be there, not here. I hope we get something from the doc to help us sleep or just calm the fuck down. Was thinking no way am I unblocking anyone for smokes. Now Im thinking i wish my blood pressure would come down. Maybe will reasse later. It would be so nice and we haven’t had a spliff since August i think.. yep its decided will send a wee txt later on to one of them. Wont be txting anyone else over it and he might just ignore us/have us blocked anyway but its worth ago for some mood stability, a little less weepy a bit more chilled. Health requires we at least give it a shot. May have a better chance of weed from the others but nope cant do it.  They are just too horrible and triggery and the girls will wanna chat like we…

But where’s all the rest?

Dude’s pal at the door eventually got us up after 10 am alarm and some weird call automated call failed. Just wanted to cry. So tired. Switched from stressing about cash to being excited in the small hours. Read some Sophie to try distract us getting that same feeling we always get when learning about Western cultural history, kind of frustrated and alienated feeling. Like we dont recognise any of it, its not out history. We remind outself of how much haa been intentionally or accidentally lost, like the ruins or the stolen and scrubbed Elgin marbles its impossible to get much insight into the real diversity and beauty from whats left. The Greeks painted everything and after so many centuries of bleaching we cant get anywhere near what they once looked like and its the same with the philosophy but its so much more than that to. We feel so alien I guess and all we have is tiny fragments from when we were tiny and with our mother. We can see her lips moving but cant hear the words but …

Hunger, generally not helpful.

Got a full tummy and baccy for afters today, tomorrow is looking tricky though. Think there is enough pennies left for bread and got butter yesterday. Nothing left to make meals with though and its unlikely the loan is gonna appear over the weekend. Could sell some DVDs but buses on a Sunday are shit and I think the ones that might be worth selling the Captain Jack box set may have been packed. May have to unpack it. Should still have some of the edible sponge I made with the last egg left for breakfast or lunch rather as both our hours have once again swung back to friggin nocturnal.

Wept with relief when we saw the UC said "case closed" kinda shows the nick we are in and maybe its was seriously premature relief weeping as maybe my other benefits have already stopped along with the loan. Just because we are catastrophicing doesnt mean it hasn't happened... Been some moments of quiet gladness to as well with some concern over how the hell one does Christmas when in betw…

"You'll be exhausted..."

Torture programming incidents get mixed up especially if they happened in the same place and within a few months of each other. Don't think many even any of the Dundee ones in our head and body at the moment went for as long or the way they were intended. We keep getting flashes of being frozen on the little couch and some horror middle class male putting on a condom. Times that did go their way will be held back from us and there is nothing to gain from us digging them up. One or two times at least he tried to get pabs  involved and the sight of Pablo's distress, him fighting for us against something so much bigger than him helped rouse us out of whatever was holding us down. Both our heads together could stop what was happening and make sure that that specific male middle class horror bot wouldn't hurt us or anyone else again. Maybe not the first time think the rapist got orders to run and he duly did so. So horrible and we are so scared of everything our body has been …

Stress = Pain = Stress = Pain

So sore. Slept last night but we messed up by putting the new address on the application gonna have to log back in an change it. Got prove who im not appointment though eventually might even go through in time so we dont have to fill out form again. Its all very exhausting and heartbreaking and we just cry so much. Image from dream amongst all the nastiness and abuser family, a leaky roof, water pouring in, not good you would think but we were planting seeds and they needed watering. So very us.

Wish we could handle all the stress and pain better but we clearly can’t. Like we said forever this is worst case scenario but people to wrapped up in not being themselves and believing suits and others with trappings and symbols of power, authority and appropriateness when all evidence shows their fascist slavers and believing them helped them destroy all resistance. Wish we hadnt lost our living Daddy, wish we never felt he was Daddy would hurt so much less. It too late to go back now. Real…

Universal Credit

How very modern British state, steal you, slaughter and sell your people, steal your ID, force you to live as someone else, kill everyone else who has been forced to live under that ID, then force you to prove via a company they do business with to prove the fake ID they force on you as part of proving you cant work after their abuse, enslavement and selling of you has destroyed you ability to financially support yourself while preventing or killing anyone willing to assistant by financially compensating or supporting you.

..

Gotta take it easy I know. In crazy pain. Not gonna miss those internal stairs. Tea, biscuits, chilled music, painkillers..

Slept most of the night and most of the day. But all those hours of sleep make for hours of shitty horrible dreams. Impossible not to start crying at not being able to prove ID for universal credit. The binary AF form was one thing but without a valid passport of driving license I'm basically gonna have to limp and weep my way into a jo…

*dancing woman emoji*

0238 Its paid. Money went in, used the card reader slowly carefully as calmly as possible didn't fuck it up and off the money went. And there is enough left to eat and have electric and gas this next week even if the loan doesn't get in. Yes train line I may have another sore throat and bags under my eyes that look like I have recently had my nose broken but I am indeed mother fucking ready. Unless I fall asleep then when I wake up I will indeed not feel motherfucking ready for anything. Awful rapey nightmares again when we slept earlier but me and a few other woman were helping each other. The cute racist Italian chick from Orange keeps turning up and being a good pal and neighbour in dreams recently, shes not racist in our dreams. Will still manage to get rolls, juice, ham, cheese, lecky , crisps either way. And shower better shower.. And wake up Pablo and get cash out for taxi. Okay maybe there won't be quite enough cash to do us the whole week but that's alright t…