December 30, 2018

Hands

They're keeping me awake. Got as much out of the voltarole tube as we can better remember and get more tomorrow. We built the playmobil pyramid its very cool, particulary the skeleton that fits inside the mummy that fits inside the sarcofagus. We said it was like a cool Russia doll. He said they were called Russian nesting dolls so we said if it wasn't Xmas he might of got a mansplaining ear flick for that. It wasn't liked it was the first time in that hour/day that he corrected without any real need. It gets a bit relentless at times. We've said before it can really bring us down. Particulary when we really struggling with mood and pain and really forcing ourself to do essential stuff.

Was hoping to avoid taking more codiene at least until after we have slept but the pain and all the associated memories and misery have made that impossible. Trying not think of the stuff that we never got to do much outside of the trafficking that this pain means we are highly unlikely to be able to do just for ourself, like playing musical instruments. For sure all those studio hours and the disgusting inhumane treatment and violence that came with them is a factor.

It was always as much about keeping is exhausted so we couldn't do much of anything that we wanted to do, couldn't defend ourself from the rapes and the pregnancies, keeping us to traumatised, run down, exhausted and in pain to run as well us making us hate and be triggered by things other people find entertaining or relaxing as it was about the money from the music. Same as with my ancestors and others in similar systems. The using the money made from forcing us to work to keep us in situations where we couldn't escape or grow or be was and is something that makes them very smug. They make you pay for them to keep you a slave.

We would ask then what the point of it all was sometimes when we could. More playing naive than asking a genuine question. The ones that were arranging and protecting those were terrified of us, of our mother of everything we were and everything we could do. Long ago something powerful had said they must enslave, they must commit genocide, they must destroy and strip cultures we can't remember what the threat was but they were long gone and the circles were fought over and controlled by those that knew or suspected forcing the slaves to convince their slavers of some great power that required the slavery.

The slaves were too dissociated and surrounded to understand it was their power or how they could use it to defend themselves. We were told that we would need to explain as much as we could to as many as we could not because we would be able to reach them but so we would understand they were unreachable and the destruction caused by trauma, abuse, enslavement over decades in an individual and over generations and millennia in humans.

We had it all explained to us in great detail, why they made us, why they had to leave us in hell, why the needed us to do what the needed us to do and why we had to survive and how that was only possible by believing they and so much more were out there even when we could see or hear no trace of them. You will be on your own they said and will be made to feel like nothing matters, that you don't matter but you matter more than anything, even more than us.

The "even more than us, much more" shocked us.

Keep looking at the stars and hoping

Little Prince was quite wonderful. Might have to force the dude to watch it with me next time, watched Kubo again with him today and enjoyed it again. Did pay a little more attention to the names in the credits this time and beyond George Takai couldn't spot any that looked even vaguely Asian and that bugged. Did remind us of a phone call in Dundee and making a joke about anyone who has even been on holiday East of Africa not being barred from the studio. We miss parts being front and center that aren't English speakers and we miss they people they talked to. Its why we are kept isolated the less people we speak to, the less of us can communicate internally or externally amongst ourselves. The cannbinoids couldn't allow us to switch languages and cultures that takes prior scheduling, big changes in environment or serious need but it does give us a much wider sense of who we are and where we have been and it's not going to stop being heartbreaking trapped in a dark corner of our own self. We never going to stop yearning and needing all of us and all our cultures.

Its something though to be in a place where we can actually feel some positivity about the future and a new year without bullshitting ourself. Not that we can just start miraculously recovering but genuine possibility of less harm and constant retraumatising is a real possibility. Physical health wise we trying to accept that we are not going to be able to do as much walking as we wish we could. The bladder problems, the uterus issues are not going to get better and neither are our hands but walking won't bother them at least although house work will but we have much less to tidy and keep vaguely hygienic, haven't stopped feeling grateful for that.

Mentally we know what happens when you get some distance between yourself and the places and people that you associate with horror - you remember more of the horror.. It wasn't so long ago that that felt unsurvivable on our own and we are dreading it but not stupefied by knowing its likely on the way. Some cannabis sometimes (yes we are going to keep mentioning it) would make so much difference to how badly and for how long we are floored by it.

Don't know if this will be the last post of 2018. Maybe, either way happy new year us, your doing great. May 2019 bring real positive changes without us taking major risks, exhausting, triggering or otherwise crippling ourself to make it happen.

3 Christmas cards. From our new neighbours. 


December 26, 2018

Chill

Thinking or feeling rather that the stuffing balls may of been undercooked and that's why we've got the upset tum. Not taking the kettle to the bathroom to fill it anymore. Just using a cup that can fit under the kitchen tap and using it to get enough water in the kettle. The lad has no problem with a lazy day. Never does. Or at least not since he was three or four and said he wanted to go to park but we couldn't but didn't say it was because it was too fucking dangerous and I was to weak to feel I could deal with whatever was threatened. He never asked again. It's always gonna hurt remembering that and how dejected he looked when we said sorry, no.

Now Christmas day has past we are able to have the kind of boxing day we love, close to a loved one but mostly by ourself, listening to chilled music, looking out the window, napping. Our hands and our back and our everything else needed a break. The tattie peeling has been particulary painful but it meant today both him and us could eat mash with gravy and the last of the pastry. He had meat to. We passed on that.

Kind of remarkable we got here by ourself. Been reflecting on that. There's no regrets from the him about it like there was when we first took him away from the extended family and his cousins. He loves the seaside as much as we do and doesn't hate school anymore. Don't know when we will stop feeling massive relief that he won't be going to a Glenrothes secondary, maybe never. There are times when we feel like we did about living next door to such awfulness and evilness and we can remind ourself we are not there anymore and every time it seems to sink in a little deeper. No wonder the sky seems bigger and brighter. No wonder we are sleeping better. But horrific nature of the domestic, legal, financial and political scenes and schemes that put us there isn't something we can forgive or forget or feel us and other people are safe from.

Stunt dreams I think last night. Roller blading in a big building at serious speeds. Bastards. Guess the slavers got all the money for that or maybe there are still languishing accounts we have no hope of ever getting to access to. Usual sex scenes on TV being in our dreams. The horrible sexual frustration of rape is ever present in them and every time we wake up from those dreams we feel a bit more acceptance that a sex life isn't for us and we feel safer knowing more and more of us feel the same way about it and understand why.

 Its not doubts we would ever have a genuine opportunity for a physically intimate sexual loving relationship but maybe we would if we could anymore, we don't want or need one. We cant see or feel any overlap between sex and and love with us, here. There is no escape from "sex/power/money/hate/patriarchy" so its not for us and we feel no need to mourn that. But at lot of mourning for the loss of life, science, art and culture of all kind that were and are irrevocably destroyed or chained in order to make things the way they are and to keep them this way.

 Not all of us feel as comfortable about no more babies and never getting to experience pregnancy without isolation and lack of support and tonnes of trauma and terror for myself and the unborn. Thinking about that just fills us with hate and disgust for the privileged and controlled populations of this planet. They had a fucking choice when so many never have.

We remember the tears of our friends when we returned and said they were right about everything and they said they wished they weren't, we could see they truly meant it and felt it burn as much as it does us.

As much as it has some of us rolling our eyes we've been thinking about a Daddy and wondering if he can hear us now.

Winterfest guts

Not at all surprising. If we just keep eating and drinking we won't feel so much or want to cry!! It doesn't work much. Back on the tea now, no cream no cinnamon no honey no brandy, just nice plain tea. Lad seems pretty chuffed with his haul. The playmobil Hickup and Toothless is particulary cool. Built the pirate ship its not bad, especially as we put a girl pirate on it. The pyramid will have to wait. Think it will be a little trickier to build as its got a few moving parts but that's what makes it so cool. Sweets, shinny things, soft fluffy things and super smash bros. Essentials covered.

Cooking is tricky enough in a decent sized kitchen but in the mini one it wasn't easier. There is the grill space to keep things warm though so that helped. We've been using his big desk to eat the big meals. This was the 21st..
 Works not to bad.

There was only so many times we could walk past the unicorn moulds..

Can hear him getting in about the left overs at the moment. Don't have a problem with that. There's heaps. Just as well coz there is no fucking way we are cooking tomorrow after washing up after today. Had to use the bathroom sink to fill the kettle as the kitchen sink is too filled with trays.

Couple of times we had to tell him to cut back on the attitude. Its hard to not be brought down by it but if he's not over tired he does make an effort after we have told him to cut it out coz it adds considerably to moms shitty health.

Been on some walks with him to which I wish didn't involve so much calculation in terms of needing to pee constantly and how tired we will be when there is lots to do at home. Needed though not just for our mental health either we put on a fair bit of weight when we were cut off/cut our self off from cannabis back in September. Activity levels plummeted and empty calories increased. Gonna have buy clothes that fit at some point..


And since we are done hiding landmarks here's the one for the day of the lease signing. We are quite proud of it. Not that involved any skill. We just stopped walking and took the pic.

Trying not to dread the lonely cannabisless hogmany. Got a few board games. Might ban the kid from extensive hours of whatever he's into by him self because the smosh and the theory guys really really bug us.


Been watching Happy to. Kind of cool. Cept the for the usual displaying of severe DID symptoms only in abusers. The debauchery scenes are pretty short and we love the invisible friend, we identify quite a lot with the blue unicorn, and the lost it killer cop as well as the girl in the box.







December 20, 2018

Poor Princess

Knew it wasn't gonna be good when we saw "cat lady" come up on the phone. Jess is okay she was always cooler with us not being around for a while. Prince as they are calling him is still suffering. Hiding all the time and scratched some one. Checked with the agency landlord won't budge on the no pets. Kind of had is in right state yesterday after the call. Too upset to sleep which is a shame because we've been sleeping much better and now that pattern is all ruined. The lad was up with a funny tummy and is fevered today so all we had to do at half eight is leave a message and say he won't be coming in. Good in terms of having to organise him after only a few hours sleep scuppered my pub plans though. Might of ditched the idea because of anxiety anyway.

Did go out for milk though and a couple more stocking fillers and a new fluffy blanket to try and comfort and calm us. So fucking sick and pissed of at being so weepy and close to tears so much of the fucking time. I don't want pain killers even though I'm in pain, don't want antianxiety pills even though I'm anxious. We are taking the antidepressants and we probably wouldn't of managed the flat finding and flit without them but any increase in activity seems to result in feeling more upset. I'm not sure if even the antidepressants if they put us up to the max dose are gonna help much with that. Better give the booze a break to.

Its horrible feeling upset all the time and knowing there is something that fixes that but we can't get it.

Watched a cool Japanese/American film last night, pabs  choice it was pretty fabulous can't remember what it was called, named after then main kid in it. The mom had serious dissociation issues, we felt comforted seeing that. He got his her and his hero warrior dad back in the end though. Felt a bit for Pabs then and us.

December 18, 2018

Show face

Took it easy today. Well except for carrying the asda shop up the stairs. That was quite back hurting. Stacked freezer though. Bunch of stuff hidden away so the lad does scoff of all. Lots of wine, the brandy, chocolate, trimmings, desserts. All we need is the fresh stuff tatties and if we can source them without going to a supermarket coz that that's not happening, parsnips. Do love a roasted parsnip or two. And of course cannabis. Diazepam just doesn't touch the need for weed. It helps us sleep but it's hard to feel better for lots of sleep when the dreams are just so yucky, horrible, uncomfortable even of we do seem to be standing up for our self more in them they are not nice dreams but they are really fucking vivid and all the intense detailed unpleasantnesses keeps us pretty miserable and feeling hopeless even though we we are in a less hopeless and depressing place in terms of where we live. We still have our body.

Got some bill based adulting to do tomorrow also got to clean the mini kitchen. Not that it will take long and hang the wreath on the door, washing of course, maybe wrap some presents so we don't have to do it all on Xmas eve, that's no fun. Not attempting a proper meal on the eve this year, snacks and party food in front of the telly and some games.

Been thinking about that little pub between here and pabs school. It looks so cozy and Christmasy we are longing to go in. Might just do that for a little while when he's at school and then walk with him home when he gets out. It looks like an old guys place but some relaxed adult company for a little while would be cool. Loneliness is getting pretty crushing. Don't expect there is any hope of establishing a contact but might take some cash. Way more than we would ever spend on pints, just in case.

Tearing up at the mere suggestion of cannabis based relief. Gonna wrap some stocking fillers. Ho bloody ho.

December 17, 2018

Food and warmth though

The wind last night had us fairly anxious. Knowing there was diazepam waiting for us didn’t help at all. It died down but the anxiety over the wind chapping at our letter box became dread of nightmares. And we were right when we gave in we had lots of vivid dreams the worst one involved Lynne torturing our hands. The Sunday walk didnt happen or the sorting out of the rubbish and recycling but we did make tea. Ate curry while watching the new ghostbusters again his choice. It is damn cool.
...

Picked up the meds today though. Earlier on was all "I'm good don't need no anti anxiety." But now I'm all lonely and weedless and weepy. Gotta watch it with the vino. A little is great. Too much and it just exaggerates the loneliness and sadness. Tired too though. Think we got all the stocking fillers we need. Went down to bank to. Lost the habit of eating during the day when there was nothing to eat and that isn't gonna help anything. Had a banana and a bag of crisps and that is not nothing. Goonies tonight. He was well into it this time.

Physical memories are getting pretty bad. Fair bit of thinking about the misery that Laura and Margo lived through and the my own misery that they were a part of. Glad of course that we are away from the remaining family. Heartbroken that the networks have left us with no friends, no caring family and only one son. Fabulous as he is he's not the easyist to motivate. Its hard on us both being the only family each other have.

It's not just the wine talking its the pain, the memories, the misery.. Please Saint Nik brings us cannabis. The pharmaceutical reps and state agents of status quo maintenance are not gonna prescribe it to a delusional sex worker drug seeker who suffered no trauma childhood trauma and has never been raped or whatever they have me down as.

Tiles cleaned up not too bad though.


December 14, 2018

So there is no "Paul" but there is a David. Is that right?

Prove ID at the job centre went OK. We have ID which of course helped a lot. So very glad we took the citizen card out if our purse years ago because we lost several purses since then and it would of been a serious pain. Got an instant advance to so the rent was only a day late. Very wincy amount of money gonna be coming out of our unknown amount of benefits for the next year. Doctor yesterday seemed like a nice guy as well checked our hands better than anyone else has 'wear and tare arthritis " figured. Unfair and figured. Didn't pick up the prescriptions he gave me though because this is England and we had no idea if we qualified for free ones and haven't ran out of anything we need most just yet. Kind of helps knowing there is diazipam there for us even though we haven't picked it up, should of just ticked the ESA box of course.

Managed our first walk about by our self with our jammie bottoms on under our grubby old tracky trousers. The freezing cold, not knowing the place well and the time stopped us from from pushing ourself too far and getting lost or just overdoing do it coz its so beautiful. Being able to look out at the sea by ourself is so very wonderful. Sky feels bigger to. There's so much to see. Its such a pretty little town we really wish we were able to wander about more often without pain, anxiety, tiredness etc keeping us indoors. We are still recovering from the move and its winter, hopefully we will enjoy it more often when its warmer. At least we are better at the self care we dont forget anymore that we cant go far in case we dissociate and because we will need to pee. Its been a nasty couple of weeks for chronic cramping. The mini pill might mean mini periods in terms of the red stuff not so with the pain it's had us quite queasy at times.

Can't quite believe we are here still. Shouldn't we be waiting in the cold at the station to go back to a house that triggers and is way too big for us to cope with, where very few people smile or say hi even though we have been there for years and neighbours boasting about raping us and murdering others? There's a lot general friendliness and folk saying "morning" down here. We like that.

Junior seems to be loving the middle school like we thought he would. We ask what he has done and he says "lots of stuff". For the first year ever he actually enjoyed Muppets Christmas Carol with us to. Excellent.

So good to have food and be able to cook it! Still really really want and kinda need some kind of cannabis, like we knew the doc wasnt happy with our blood pressure but think the little walk helped. Got some meat for the freezer for christmas day to. Big lumps of cheap stuff is gonna last us longer than the slivers of posh stuff we would get for same money.

We still not finished getting fire place nicer but here's some other stuff. Its all our bits and pieces in a different place. :-)





December 12, 2018

Grinchey Mother Fuckers

Not I would expect any better from Clarence and co, someone who had a go at Margo's level of house cleaning. He wants his tenents to stop him from needing to spend a penny on his property so he can just sit back and take the money. We did think all the talk about understanding the circumstances when we handed over the keys was bollocks. The cunt has caused serious stress and tears for Margo, Laura and us. Last time though. They're dead and I'm gone. The assistant sent photos of the mess left and an attempt to shame us, their are always about the shaming, detritus and bags of rubbish - shock! An unclean cooker - awful! Bathroom with soap bottle and a strip that comes of a pad so you can stick them to your knickers - oh the horror!! The decorator's ladder and unused paint - how dare we!! We did of course say we would do what we could and would focus on the furniture and clearing the shed but would be physically unable to clean and would have to leave before the removals guys had finished. One of them broke the glass front to a cabinet that we had bloody cleaned but didnt put back in place because its always falling out in the kitchen so of course that's another reason for them to keep the entire £500.

Soo no money for this months rent due tomorrow as yet. No housing benefit because of universal credit and me not wanting to apply earlier because we needed the ESA for a cooker and food. We texted back that we are classed as severely disabled and have an autistic son and moved into a place with blood stained carpets one of which we replaced ourself, she said she would count up how much they spent on cleaning and clearing and get back to me. I'm not holding my breath. Really wish I hadn't worked so hard and spent so much money on getting rid of what I could though. We've been going without meals. Or if they had even just got back to me last week when we very asking about it instead of leaving it for me to get in touch again this week and to be told they didn't remotely mean it when they said they would be taking my health and circumstances into consideration and keeping money me and my son need when they dont because they are greedy heartless Scroungey cunts.

Just to top off our awful day the electrians who said "aye no bother five minute job" about the cooker last week txted today to say Friday at earliest. We phoned around and a guy said he will do it today but asked for 40 we of course had to say yep, we need real meals and can't afford to not be cooking. Hope he shows else we will have an asda delivery we mostly can't do anything with and will of had a very cold, painful and stressful walk to the cash machine for nothing.

Wine though. And cooker!! Dude is on his way.


December 09, 2018

Hope

Hope we can talk to decent GP tomorrow, preferably one that wont be shocked, disgusted etc at our littles. Wish we could take a break from the codiene but no chance with no erbal and pain at the levels its been last few days and all the stuff we need to do. Wish we could get at break from the nightmares as well as the irritability, sadness and disappointment the pain brings. Couldnt, wouldn’t sleep until after five last night, just didn’t want to return to a place where our experience overwhelmes everything else about us.

Hope we get the deposit back tomorrow but almost certainly wont so we can eat and buy baccy. The school is all about the compulsory formal wear, its gonna have to wait until after Christmas though.

Managed to put up some decor in the hall today. Usual plans we hoped to manage the night before were impossible. But we did a little and it looks really pretty. Still haven’t tried out our new mini hoover yet.

Come home.




December 08, 2018

Tree's up

Polar Express DVD still works, we watched it last night after doing the tree. He got involved more than he has in previous years. He's maybe got a bit of distance between him and his Xmas triggers. Sick satanic anti people bastards will do all they can to make sure little kids associate the festivities with terror, pain and misery. Cunts.

Not regretting buying the double oven even if it hasn't been wired in yet because we don't have the 20 to give the agencies electricians and have no pissing cash for food anyway. There's an Iceland near and we got a few things so not completely starving. It's a pain though, espically when in pain, always horridly sensitive and have lots to do. Will finish the universal credit application as soon as the ESA is in and try not to spend too much. There isn't much we need expect food and to pay bills etc and we have a cooker we can use and that of course will help a lot. Horrible not knowing what we will get or when or how much bills will be.

Another unknown is where the fuck we are gonna put the Xmas decor after.. Did manage to sort the small outside cupboard enough today so we could get the beloved micro stand and storage out of our bedroom and tidy up a bit. Couldnt get the tree's box in though. Cracked open the Xmas decoration box last night just to kind of stand and stare and admit we may have too much.. Not gonna up and down the ladder and banging nails in today though. Maybe tomorrow.

Dreading and longing for Monday when he goes to school. Gonna have to walk him of course until he knows the way, not looking forward to that but having the flat to ourself - very much looking forward to that. When were up for it we can start on the stocking fillers or just window shop in our own time without trying to keep up with whatever he is talking about in great detail. We are goons freak out lots when we realise he isn't with us and isn't at home and before we remember he's a school and we haven't left him somewhere on him own after forgetting and wandered off because we have DID and are stressed.

Not looking forward to those awful feelings and thoughts when we are not sure if Pablo is even real, alive or our responsibility one little bit.

Flats gonna be wonderful with all the fake foliage garlands and some of the other bits and pieces up. And there is definitely gonna be some food and wine. We don't think our prayers for weed are gonna be answered any time soon though, can feel our blood pressure rising every night before we fall asleep, if we do sleep. And it's so hard to feel better when we wake after horrible busy mean violent dreams. Will keep praying though.

December 05, 2018

FUCK OFF Anxiety

Seriously, do one.

Yes We know flitting is very stressful for anyone, yes we know having no support network makes everything harder, yes we know PTSD can be awful and is not well supported by the NHS while DID isnt even recognised as a thing, yes we know chronic pain can make anyone's life miserable, yes we know many people are find financial insecurity in general and the change to universal credit in particular really unpleasant, yes we know its not easy being a single parent. Yes We know that that when trafficking victims who had years of torture programming do something they have been repeatedly told to not do whilst being tortured they do not feel comfortable no matter how much in their interests it is to do thing their abusers told them not to do. Yes We know everything we have achieved recently is exhausting and is going to take us a while to recover. But for fuck sake give us a break.

Seriously.

Guess we better see if the docs gave processed our registration tomorrow and see if we can get an appointment. But what if we get somewhere horrible and we walk out feeling suicidal like GPs and psychs have in the past? There is nothing we can do about it. No one to phone. No weed or hope of it. No better than nothing antianxiety pills. Just us. All little trying to look after ourself and an adolescent, trying not to feel worse when he acts like a typical kid and doesn't want to do what he's told, trying not to be triggered by his size, gender and attitude. Just us without enough food. Anything we do to improve our situation just costs us so much when everything has already been taken, we are so fucking sick of that.

Wednesday, the day after Tuesday.

Early evening sleeps meant we were both awake in the wee small hours. They didn't feel to wee or small. Thankfully google told us about a newsagent nearby that opens at 5:30. It was quite beautiful actually, freezing cold, all the decorations, clear skies with a tiny sliver of a moon and the north star or whatever planet it is both shinning really bright. Then home to coziness and nicotine outside looking up at the stars.

We were in the cheap everything shop at about half eight replacing stuff that got left and we need but really can't afford. Forgot we don't have kitchen knives but we won't be able to install the cooker that arrives later ourself anyway. We did it when we were younger but the extra trauma since then has kind of annihilated what was left of our concentration, confidence and memory. And there wasn't cash left for asda order so it got cancelled. We did eat out though. Necessary after so long on junk food. We cleaned ourself up, put on some foundation and mascara, and even put on little boots with heels. Don't know when we last time wanted to do anything like that. It felt good to want to do something we have had no interest at all in for a very long time.

After we got back we did some dishes and worked in the ickle kitchen until our feat got damn sore, the small heels earlier on may of contributed to that.. It's looking very us though. As usual with an active day, we go to sleep enthusiastic about the stuff we want to get done the next day and then wake up in crazy serious pain and very little gets done. We never stop feeling heartbroken by that. Don't even have asda wine to look forward to. There's about 30 left so we best not be buying any. Txted about the deposit again if they want to bill us for the stuff and mess that was left that's one thing but we really really need that deposit.

Can't see how we can pay for the cooker installation but there is a couple of other things need done that are in the agencies responsibility, so maybe the electrician will feel some pity for us and give us a break. Or bill us. We can only ask.

Did some work in the living room yesterday to and it to is looking much more us. Got our colorful "should be in a brothel" wall throw from Palermo up and a curtain up. Can't see us battling with the tree or the last of our books and notebook boxes or dismantling the micro stand with the flowers and the leafs but maybe later we will feel better. Forgot how much a proper meal can make is feel stronger and better. Hopefully we will be back to proper meals everyday or every other day soon enough.

Dude is narrating skyrim next door, its not at all irritating or stressing us out. New seasonal update for hidden city though! Very happy about that.

December 03, 2018

Monday, the day before Tuesday.

Early night and early morning, good chance we can do the same tonight. Hope so, really hope so because on top of the knackerness of so much to do, no cooker to cook decent meals with and no money to eat out or get something delivered we now are out of baccy to. And it's only fucking 1844.

Middle school seems pretty decent, we were actually a little jealous. It didn't have that stupefyingly triggering school smell. He seemed to like it to. Huge bonus of course. The worst part with the school and the docs was the whole "next of kin" thing.. Very short of surviving volunteers there.

Still dealing with boxes and decor and chuffness and exhaustedness at home. Room is feeling very mine and the piles of decor are becoming smaller and less overwhelming. I'm sure after lots of food we will be less intimidated by thought of opening up the Xmas boxes and dealing with the tree bought for a property considerable larger than this. Shiny stuff, Xmas movies and munchies with the lad is something to look forward to especially as we figured out we have an Xbox one s and therefore do actually have a power cable, it was attached to a sky router in a basket we meant to get rid of but thankfully didn't. Was a lovely relief to hear the little bee boop sound. Lad doesn't know. He's sound asleep. Wish I was. Want nicotine. Need weed.

Hot chocolate will have to do and the pray the lad doesn't wake us up just as we are getting to sleep..

December 02, 2018

Beach, December rain and Decor

Was expecting more moaning from the lad when we started walking the opposite way from shop but he was mostly cool. When we saw the slide in the little park and the beach itself we knew we had been here before. Big sense of us being okay and cared for at the time. We saw us wave to ourself on the way back up, it was a dry warm summer day where she was and with friends, she’s a happy chatty popular kid. Cold and constant drizzle with me and the lad now. We winked back.

Beach though. Then a shop. Without public transport, without walking for miles. Later on when we were back home we even had some energy left to put up some decor in our room. Not ready for any xmasification, can barely step foot in the livingroom cause thats where we dumped heaps of stuff so we could sort out our room.

Fucking knackered and sore now but thats not suprising. Seeing the news piece about a woman spending all her money to legally get weed imported through a private doc made us kind of us buckle a bit. Especially since it included photos of some medicinal wonderful green. Yep. Here comes the sobs. Took some painkillers. Caught up with pooing and that triggers the ute so needed some physically addictive, pain aggravating pain killers, that sometimes make our mood and emotional state worse pharmaceuticals that dont help the debilitating nightmares in the slightest.

Even in the December rain the beach was amazing though and very glad we went. And oh so glad we moved here, think you us. Its wonderful
. Hopefully us and the big boy will sleep better tonight. I could probs sleep now but then we will wake up later and find the lad is still watching screens and hasn’t been on the shower. 

December 01, 2018

Could see outside from bed today, pretty cool

Pain just friggin awful. Dude got us playing a board game and that helped distract us for a while after that we did some sorting out and moving stuff. In that horrible place where we don't want to move then when we do start doing stuff it helps distract and we don't wanna stop but we know the more we do the worse it will be and the harder it will be to eat coz we are so tired.

Dreams horrible and that always has us feeling weak and tearful.

Will be able to put up some decor tomorrow though that will be seriously pleasing. Not has fun as it would be if we had cannabis to help with the nightmare triggers, pain and knowing where things look right. But still lovely though. Not breaking open the Xmas boxes yet though will start with other stuff. Also gotta figure what bags and piles of clothes are clean and which are dirty and where to put them and that won't be so fun.

Still smiling to be here though and not caring about how much less space there is. Put books on our bookcase, struck us how much sorting we did in the weeks before the move. We've done really well, course there was gonna be fuck ups and stuff we just couldn't get round to, and wish we had done a better job at keeping money so we could of eaten out or ordered a cooker before now. But we have got dudes Xmas pretty much sorted except for stocking fillers can't be regretting that. £20 quid on Xmas window stickers was a bit unnecessary but we probs won't think that when they arrive..

Soup in bowl, then in micro.. We can do it.

..

Pea and ham. Nom.

Same deal when trying to read up on UC total weepy panic, pain at levels where I want to hurt myself somewhere else to distract from it. Did find out it doesn't effect my DLA though. The monthly thing is freaking us out, before housing benefit was paid directly to landlord and gas and electric were on prepayment meters. Very hard for us to keep in mind what needs to be paid. Think some parts think someone else will deal with it, some genuinely forget, and some probably think its best we get ourself into bother and have to go without rather than get punished for coping and managing our needs.

Hay at least we got no dealers down here! Would really struggle to manage then but we would have weed sometimes and that would be really really nice.

Its not fair.

November 30, 2018

Friday

Can see our window now and found out the hot bath tap has a blue circle and cold has a red.. Really loving it still and not just cause we think we should but genuinely feeling at home and glad to be where we are. Haven't had any abuse either, actually one of the neighbours gave me a lighter coz we couldn't find any that worked independently. Never made the school meeting today, one of those over ambitious appointments. Its Friday, the last day in November. We fucking made it Daddy. Brought way too much furniture and decor but we are here and glad, and not just focusing on things that should be positive but arent because there is so much active and committed hate surrounding us.

Wrapped his playmobile advent calendar, saw how many Xmas presents were in the box and was so glad we made a good start. Local not wee shop sells micro pasta very handy until we can get a cooker, still no word on the deposit. The landlord was a grippy bastard who seemed to have no concept of life without privilege, cash and support networks. He did say he would take all the circumstances into consideration though. We gave 280 to house clearance and 380 to removals and did as best we could. Expecting us to redecorate and empty and clean the place with out help or much funds while ill/disabled is seriously unreasonable.

Bought wine to tonight. Glad we did to. Next week we gotta make a start on finding out what will happen with the universal credit. Don't want to do a thing until after the DLA is in though. We need proper meals and that requires an actual cooker. And energy that hasn't been used up moving big heavy furniture around and cash that hasn't gone to clearance, rent, removals and the deposit or weed that is twice as expensive as it should be.

We will get there. Will be able to put up Xmas decor and put on our winterfest Spotify list. Lovely.

Miss you, need you, good luck.

Rosie
Xxx


November 29, 2018

He's not us, he's been through a lot less

Still we feel like its us starting a new school. Brings back the lonilness, coldness and unpredictability of home and the coldness and expectations and noise of school and being very young and having nowhere safe or comfortable to be. That is not Pablo's situation.

Was about five I think before we got to sleep last night and the engineer woke us up at nine again coz vodaphone sent him back because they knew we still didn't have internet. Very good not having to chase it up ourselves. Wasn't the dudes fault though it was the router but its all fixed and superfast now. The weepiness returned in the evening and got worse when we couldn't find the sleepers we were pretty sure we had. Found in a drawer in the living room because the drawer had been at our bedside before we moved. Mircoed some bacon and hot chocolate. Hopefully will mean a bit less heartburn.

The better than nothing pills are kicking in, would so much rather not habe them and have decent weed instead, so we could sit in our nook at the top of the back steps looking up at the stars. When not underfed and over tired we are happy to be here,  it would be so wonderful with weed, just heavenly and we could do with a little patch of feeling heavenly to recharge our batteries. Really want to at least make a start in here. Kind of have to because his advent calendar is at the bottom of a huge box. But need to see out window to.

Character

See.. Gorgeous.

Had a go at the kitchen today.. Its really really small gonna take a while and a fair bit of creativity to work it. But also of course a hell of a lot easier to keep clean. Dude's room is pretty excellent he's dead chuffed especially as we sorted it out enough for so it can be walked around in, computer set up and stuff.

Gutted about the balcony planters and the pink clematis..

Ventured out to the nearest shop for micro food and munchies it's huge, cheap and sells absolutely everything. Very handy a hell of a lot better than wee shops and their prices. Back in bed now though. Damn sore. The no cooker diet will not be helping. Haven't heard anything about the deposit yet but think we gotta just do it next week and order one which is gonna give us even less space. Our pretty metal microwave holder thing with the flowers on it is in the place where the cooker would go and there is no where else to put it. Kind of a shame.

Checking out the school tomorrow. And we gotta make a start on this..
:-/



here

So we’re here then... ten to five but it feels, sounds  and looks like 2145
Quite tired. Glad i left that daft wee bit, pulled one of our chairs up the backs and it helped keep me out the wind. So glad, so stressful and lots more exhausting ness to go but so glad.
We are somewhere where we dont really want to not be. This morning feels so long ago. We handled it, we arranged it, we waited on hold for the dwp to answer to find out where our esa was while packing. We hear the chuch bells. Wish we hadnt had to do it all on own it takes so much from uou, havinh to do everything on your own. Wind is fairly whistling not sure how bad it is or how much  its just a whistley place...

We both crashed out about 6pm i of course woke up again about 2 hours later, hes still sound. Was pretty cynical about wether or not the milk was packed and if i could find it. Oh the joys of discovering it in a bin. Very serious joy.

Gonna be surving on micro meals for a while has we cant afford a cooker yet. Dont know where the hell we are going to put the microwave.. or the kettle when we do get one anyway its that tiny a kitchen. Dont care much though, so glad to be somewhere with character. We were right about the dresser and the fireplace tiles looking wonderful together. Its all pretty wonderful. But there is so much to do, other than buying food our priorities tomorrow are phoning lecky company, setting up xbox, phoning back school and probably a fair bit of standing in the kitchen not knowing what the fuck to do with it. Put stuff in drawers. We can handle that..

Lot of stuff got left coz of having to leave the guys to catch a train that was an hour late anyway. My friggin mirror, its not really needed but bugging because we bought it. Loads of garden stuff, like all the planters bar one. And my house plants, the succulent i got in Glasgow, Laura’s peace lilly and a spider plant. :-( Fair bit of mess left. Landlord asked if we managed to redecorate..

We are so chuffed even though we have too way too much to do.

Wednesday 0109

Very little got done today. Obviously. Perfect misrable weather outside for the day after a flit when your too knackered to do a damn thing anyway. Thank fuck we found that milk, ill at the thought of having to go outside and negotiate people and unfamiliar shops. Familiar ones are bad enough. Fair bit of sleeping. Answering the door for deliveries, not so wise ordering non essentials but it made us feel better. Engineer for the broadband but it still isn’t working.   Thinking tomorrow we will be a bit more up for getting a few things done. Dude was in charge of packing tech and there is no sign of the power cables for the xbox or one or the Wii. They may turn up or maybe not and we will have to buy some and not just for him either its very close to xmas movie time. Im gonna have to find his advent calendar.

Was really wanting to show you the art deco plates on the doors but it will have to wait until there is broadband. They are very pretty. There is coving to, not fancy stuff but still love it. No probs with the storage heaters so far all nice and cozy.

After delivery food and the wine we got for first night but only had a glass of, sitting outside at the top of our stairs out the wind, smoking the last of the twiggy weed, there is enough room for one of our chairs which is pretty cool.  Didnt want to going out into the street in our jammies to smoke in any weather. Anyway we crashed out on the couch, lad tried to keep us awake he was playing and wanted our involvement but it wasn’t happening so he brought us a pillow instead. Hes a darling. Fucking nightmates though.. sweat levels got us to try out the shower and look for clean jammies both successful..

Been quite sore but the painkillers are helping and adding to number of smiles and happy sighs. Asthma is pretty bad as well probs with all the moving dust. Dude has a sore spot in his mouth, i used to get them as a kid. Will try remember to get him some bonjella tomorrow. Theres been littles around we didn’t expect to be so forward so quickly. It was and is cool but has helped us remember how seriously important it is for us to pace ourself and not focus on stuff we haven’t done yet but think we should or all the benefit stress. Its okay to feel okay.. thats gonna take some getting used to not that i need to worry about that at the moment when there is so much that needs doin.


Monday

Not bad not bad. Just little bits and pieces and rubbish left. There will indeed be just enough for us really make our new smoking area feel like home. Had one earlier on to. It helped us stop feeling like there was too much do we have to do it all but we’re too tired to do any of it. We cant leave it spotless, it’s too big and im too little. Lad been doing not bad. No way we could of handled all of those trips to the charity shop. No way. Think he has given them my trainers by accident though thankfully i have other heavier walking type shoes coz i dont fancy wearing heels.

Worst bit physically was taking a box up to the post office for up the road. With lots of books in it. Few of Lauras things, photos and stuff. Seriously back hurting but great to not have so much of her stuff knowing the kids don’t have much and knowing no one else is going to do anything about it. Really glad we opened that tin of creamy coloured garden paint and freshened up a few of fancy decor for the kids and us. Glad i stop myself from doing more of it to.

Lads are gonna be round really early tomorrow. I will hand in the keys and we will get the direct train, one way.

Took two zoplicone early but both of us were awake and active early, 8 am and if stay i stay awake i will start doing some shit when we need to be resting. Rain is belting outside, we had a deep hot bath. Its so nice to be physically comfortable and not be horribly stressed. So glad we are leaving here. Wish we had some help.


Sunday 2314

Yeah so thanks Zoplicone but we dont have a problem falling asleep at 7am and waking up a 4pm. That's already something we mastered. There's a couple of things we wish got round to today but it is okay we will either do them tomorrow or some time after or they wont happen. Kitchen and tidying up garden are main jobs for tomorrow. Bit short on boxes but we can pack gardening stuff inside planters, should give us enough space for kitchen stuff. Its mostly done. Would be good if we could send the some of the donations and their stuff at the road to tomorrow but might not manage.

So gonna be leaving early and leave the guys to it on flitting us, our kettle, milk, tea, slippers and favourite jumper gotta get out early and get the direct train.

Damn it we keeping that last but of twig with a spliff and half on it till we move. So none tomorrow, like usual. We can do this, we will be crazyhappy. Got our bottle for that first night, clean jammies and some of pabs essentials and a ready meal for the first night/morning. Not sure if we can keep the greenage.. Damn a decent q wouldn't of been an issue, txted the guy he just txted back he knew. Bugging but glad its just really bugging and a bit upsetting and not a bit more "oh great so won't be able to sleep, eat, think, feel, speak, self care, look after son, keep kitchen clean or stop crying or have any quality of life for an unknown amount of time" like running out has meant in past..


November 25, 2018

Just ticking those lists of like its one of our huge, trans global military ops

Quite nervous of taking the sleepers. We don't feel at all familiar with what this particular one will do to our system. We are very familiar with how we will feel if we dont get plenty sleep and have to tonnes of shit to do.

Glad the lad is sleeping at night again. Two nights in a row hes been crashed before 10 pm. Good stuff cause he's going be pulling his weight tomorrow. Well maybe not his whole weight he's only eleven and his next shoes are going to be size 10 or above... Gonna have to kit him out for new school.. Gonna have to find out at least one aspect of the benefit change over and us in a bit more concrete way. Its a definite source of a lot of health fucking up anxiety not knowing. Also know we wont get far and will cry if we can't figure out exactly what we need to know and how to ask it before hand.

We've done well but we have known at various stages we had no option but to push ourselves and past the point where we knew we were gonna manage comfortably, not need days to recover, feel awful, over worry then be too anxious to plan properly, then get iller .. But there wasn't any other way and its not long now until there will so much less things that must be done and more things we can easily manage and enjoy.

Am actually quite organised and calm about the move. That little bit at time for over a month or so really is a much better way to do it. Who knew? Lol. So much pride at all the big and little, light and heavy steps over the years its taken to clear out the cupboards, see the huge pile of broken furniture and other stuff from the shed, gone. We get a real sense of so many easy little, creative and fun, physically exhausting but rewarding or just really really  painful steps there has been with the house and it's contents over all the years.

Wish meds weren't such and issue we wouldn't get so bad and not snow balling and everything worsening.

Should probs give the meds a chance and by not sittin up writing, battery is low : ( Still nervous about pills but also don't want to happily burn through weed in a few hours that could do us days if we can only smoke outside and have loads to do. In a new smaller pretty smoking area, glass of wine and a pair of gloves most likely.. Saying hi and maybe a neighbourly chat if any of the neighbours pass by. They are unlikely to be out long in November December and neither am I :-) Weed its awfully woody - sticky in bad way as I'm probs gonna end up with a gram or so of teeny tiny kindling and would of preferred something a gram of something actually smokeable, it would go lone way..

Nothing major uncomfortable unpredictable or extreme reactions so far. One more small cannabis cig then we have a go a letting go, there be lots of energy to play on the silly games and drink tea when we first wake up, no need to instantly such doing anything else, except order/encourage/blackmail/bribe the pubescent, maybe put washing loads in or out, Maybe the little arty jobs to start with later, good pile of bubbll wrap and tape for canvas prints, should be cool knowing they will make the journey.

Glad we spent a little so we would have nice parcels arriving in the days after arriving. Even if we won't have a cooker.. Still paranoid about benefits not going in but not as much has the clearance is paid for as well as first months rent.

Okay I'm gonna let go know and try relax. Sent an email so it would be there in the morning when we sleep in. Gonna brush teeth, take inhaler.. And let go maybe with some Spotify chill stuff. We can do this.. Sleep is essential, we see our brain more and that's cool..


November 24, 2018

Friday and Saturday

Kinda thought I would be less exhausted, emotional, weepy and more motivated today.. Not so. Dudes took a full van load to the tip. Couple of things we forgot about but they probs wouldn't of fitted in anyway. Guess seeing Laura's stuff being taken away impacted us more than expected. Got a good few days to sort out what's left thank fuck because we are knackered. Didn't have much to do to prepare for the recycling dudes but it still took its toll. Have even unblocked another bloke in an attempt to temporarily unburn a bridge. Probs pointless but definitely won't get if we don't ask and small amount of diazepam isn't gonna get us out if this state.

...

Well its not sooper dooper but I haven't smoked any it two to three months thats  not a big deal its still wondrous. And we would be puking as we've had two glasses of wine when it turned up anyway if it was truly stupendous instead of taking down decor and lovingly wrapping it.

A van load gone today. Very full van. Not sure if we had remembered about the seriously busted large desk chair it would of fitted in anyway. Wasn't much that would interest anyone but there was a couple of things that we were glad seemed to spark his curiosity as well causing some wincing and looking the other way but we were glad they were going to someone who appreciated them. The old dresser being one. Unfortuntly we can not get fancy handles for it and post it up the road we cant afford that in time or money. Big thing though. All the stuff going, the cats going, going through everything in the house, having the dreams and health we have. All big stuff. And then there is always constant stuff going on as well as the lots of other big stuff. The actual day of the flit, the getting a cooker, sorting out school and docs I am very glad we got this weed. We needed a stress break we can stop physically active and rest that way but we struggle to find the equivalent with our internal world.

Some of decor is down, waiting to be wrapped or is in box already. Actually quite likeing only having a nice thing here and there, instead of quite a few bits and pieces. Gonna be some agonising decisions about decor after Christmas. Been staring at all extra space, the bearer walls and wishing a bit more like this before but it evolving from Laura's to ours was unavoidable. If a bit creepy at times, the wondering how much difference would it taken for that to have worked, us living together without and of the other adults.

Then we remember how it felt whenever we saw her stagger and wooble through the door or down the street and how horrible people treated her when she was like that, not just angry but horrible, verbally and physically abusive and how we knew we couldn't protect her from much of it and how devastating it already felt just seeing her that way..

 Couldn't let go of any picture canvases. And the honeysuckle was dead has returned. Think we will go for tidying over clearing. We have really got a lot done over the past two months we are proud.
..
Saturday 1014

Finally got to make decisions about what to keep, donate, chuck while stoned. Yeah. Big roll of some kind of thick paper in the cupboard in our room and used some of that to start wrapping up upstairs stuff. Been layering them with plushys. Bubble wrap arrived yesterday when the clearance dudes were here. They handed it in for us and we couldn't remember the word "bubble wrap" so tailed off when we starting to say "Oh that's ma .." So Christ nows what they think it might be. The main dude was pretty cool, dead chatty but in a way that was disarming and not a stress. He joked about being a collector/hoarder and seemed to like folk and stuff and think it was his company and was doing okay he had other guys out in vans to.

We told him we were moving into a two bedroom flat and made jokes about not being remotely tempted by down sizes even his kids were out or would be out soon. Hardest bit was the rucksack and couple of camping pieces and a few of Laura's tools at the back of kitchen cupboard. It mattered then most of all that he wasnt a dick and he absolutely wasn't. Actually talked about how hard it is the deal with a deceased close family members stuff from experience. Its tough. So glad we wisely chose to not book the clearance a day or two before the flit.

We are better at knowing what physically is a really bad idea and what we might manage better as long we rest as much as possible and don't just eat rubbish or nothing, etc, get decent sleep or of not that as many short patches as possible, we manage to keep our emotional state from dipping and can keep our anxiety out of really uncomfortable places too much. It's last one we get wrong the most these days, we can think "oh that was/will be physically work we better not plan anything and plan ahead" better, or at least sometimes but we still feel quite blind to how physically exhausting all these strong feelings and fears and memories and triggers are.

But yeah the clearance dudes made it as least painful as possible,  the older guy and his younger dude made it as much of a laugh as it could be.

Obviously got as little as possible planned for the day. There is the last time we can actually just mostly lie in bed and smoke weed. Occasionally washing a dish or two or putting a load in, engaging with superboy cause we are not stinking up that new place when its a short term lease and we love it and can't be moving again in 6 months that's like 3 weeks in mental health patient time.

Will have a fair bit of our garden stuff, including table, chair. So we got a smoking area and it's gonna be to fucking cold and too much to do inside too be lounging for a long while. But it will be there. I am quite looking forward to taking pics of a new place with the Xmas decorations up.  Can figure out what to do with the non Xmas decor after Christmas. We are gonna frickin love it.

1354

Think coz it will hopefully be nice for them, mean I have less stuff I will clean up some of Laura and my nicer decorative stuff and post them to the kids. As gonna be December its gonna have to include some non hand me down stuff that reminds them of people that gone. Guess it makes us feel better about not be able to be there for them as much as they need. A box of books, toys, DVDs and some new stuff is not nothing particulary in December. Will makes sure Pabs gets involved to.


2012

Gave some of the metal candle holder hearts and butterflies a clean and coat of garden paint. Made a pile of decor and books for the kids. Also made an list in Amazon stuff we would like to get for them and stocking fillers for Pabs, a new table, looked at cookers. Decided we didn't want to spend too much the moving day was paid for and ended up buying some of pabs Xmas and me new home shabby chic. Next things need to be physical essentials though, like a cooker. And a table to eat at.

Gonna go back to lists now, just briefly.. Helps keep us out of to stressed to read, think or move states if we do a little planning and ticking off list entries when chilled.







November 23, 2018

Thanksgiving

Haven’t tried the zopolpcone yet, havent need to been sleeping lots just with the diazepam, not all night but hours and hours here and there. Not the only one who crashed out after tea today when we woke we shouted down to the lad to help with sorting stuff for the recycling dudes got no answer and found him asleep in his school polo shirt. Really glad it’s harder to relax when its crazy late on a school night and you hear your son chatting away to himself. Not sure if he has truly mastered the fake sleep or if he has started whistling in his sleep. Pretty sure he can’t whistle when he’s awake but maybe hes learned at school. Hope he is a bit more use after a good nights sleep. Been a fair bit of huffy and puffing whenever we ask him to do the slightest thing and there is a fair bit to do especially in his room.

Personally got a fair bit done in the morning after waking up really early. Two boxes of broken or unwanted kitchen stuff. Fabulously garish xmas treat bowl found. Bloody knew it was somewhere, grubby but intact. Some mental planning over how we are gonna pack and clean kitchen, put a bunch of useless tech together. Its so fucking nice being able to take our time, still getting stressed but less stressed about being stressed because so much is done and enough time to do it. Moving somewhere we want to go to helps aswell of course. Dont think we have ever had a move like that before, its even more stressful and exhausting moving from somewhere we dont want to be, have experienced a fair bit of hell in to somewhere else we dont want to be and know we will experience more hell. Not that there definitely wont be any hell or attempts at hell its just not as certain as before and we are not just saying that to keep ourself as calm and positive as possible even our most cynical aspects don’t have a difficulty acknowledging that there is no way it could be as bad as here or living with slaver controled family.

Hope we can get money sorted not just for rent and xmas but because we need a word processor with an actual keyboard that we can use as its charging. Typing this on ickle phone so there is enough battery on the tablet to use after midnight gifts in silly hidden object games.

Got contact about possible support after the move thanks to the more sleeps and diazepam it didn’t produce profuse weeping, just a little extra emotionalness..

Know we said we should avoid the unrelenting awfulness of internet news but if we did we would of missed, “Missionary claims Jesus loves you before dying in rain of arrows” type healines how they know he said that we dont know and we feel for family but still amongst all the farting and fasc it fairly give us a chuckle. Brought up old fantasy/story/weird shit that happened for us, injured in a bought think not long after one of our bad cuts and we had various other bruising and sprains as well. We feel asleep on our little escape boat and woke up with a little kid giving us water. We fucking paniced when we came round when we saw the drinking vessel, the lack of apparel on the bairn and ripped a bit of clothing soaked it in sea water and tied it round our nose and mouth. The kid pointed at it and said something. We pointed to our skin and motioned to far away then pretended to sneeze then pointed at the kid and motioned to towards the island forestry, sneezed again and did an impression of being did. We encouraged the kid to keep their distance and wash there hands with sea water. Not sure if the kid got it but they chatted away and washed a bit we just sat in boat and listened to the chatter. When we saw various figures come out the tree line we went a bit cold thinking we may be about to die. They seemed relieved to see the mask and a bit concerned when we tried to push our busted boat with our busted up body. We gruffed told to sit our arse on the sand while they fixed it up a bit. We kept indicating that they keep washing in the sea water and wouldn’t let any of them near me unless the cover their nose and mouth. The kid seemed to be doing a good job explaing. A women eyes up our injuries went into forest came back with a leaf mask and wrapped up some of injuries, think there was some kind of ointment and a splint to.

With us and the boat in better shape they indicated we just keep the water bottle, they pushed us out and off we headed back to ugly brutal heartless civilisation trying not to feel like we would rather they just killed us rather than go back to abuse and enslavement. Also very grateful for the beautiful experience though.

November 21, 2018

Instant tears when we calmly attempted to read up on universal credit, PIP. We are stuck in bed in pain and wanted to do something to prepare for after the move but like before it doesn't work we just get in a state. Think I may have found an advocacy charity and I think one of the first thing to do is maybe see if I can speak to adult social work to help us figure out what we need to do about benefits, ect because we really really  need to not get iller.

Email to possible support & info sent, school application sent to but not sure if its the right form having same issues, formal language a real struggle and we cant concentrate, then start getting really upset because we need to be able to do this shit. Still rested a fair bit today lad was awake when we woke up about 6 am and might of been up all night. We let him sleep after that, partly because he was crazy hot last night and partly because we were crumbling at thought of the adult tasks required to get child up, ready and out the door for school. Its his last week though he gotta go in tomorrow and Friday.

Doc was quite nice saw different one than last time, we kinda need them to be nice after however long we have spent in the waiting room means we are a wreck by the time we are called. She gave a short course of sleepers and more diazepam when it hadsnt been three months since the last lot! Good because we cant be mostly resting tomorrow we gotta get stuff sorted for the blokes thay are gonna take busted shit to the tip.

We gotta stop freaking out about benefits so hard though wasn’t exactly easy or stress free getting what we get now and the thought of going through it all whilst trying to get head around new area and sort new place out is not pleasant.

Gonna be okay, moving can drive folk with money, support and mental health a bit bonkers. Its just all exaggerated with us.






November 20, 2018

Dont wanna sleep, need to sleep..

Definitely seem to be freaking out a bit less and just being excited more. Neither state is good for sleeping though. Got a call from social housing about a potential offer. Place in Kilmarnock so glad we already got somewhere sorted. We just would of ended up crazy isolated like we are now, doubtful the scenery would be anything like what we are gonna be so close to soon. Would be cheaper and less deposit and they maybe of let us keep the cats and the fleas and maybe isnt a universal credit area also isnt an area where we have ever wanted to live either.

House clearance dudes booked, feels good to know we will be free of so much stuff and that the landlord wont be chasing us to pay for clearing it. Shitty of course we got left with all of Laura and the kids furniture. Will be amazing to be away from all the constant reminders of so much abuse, neglect and heartlessness. Its hasnt really worked trying mourn when so close to so many examples of how her and Margo’s life was made so intentionally awful when all they wanted was normal stuff like love, family,  friends, fun, comfort by people and systems that place no value on those normal human things. Its impossible for us to imagine living to hurt people who have no interest in hurting anyone. To take pride in torturing and killing the vulnerable it just makes no sense to us. It has never stopped surprising us even when its totally predictable and all we know.

Gotta try stay awake and hopefully then we will sleep at night, the dread of the dreams is so bad right now we cant keep our eyes shut for long.

Getting that sore throat, stuffy nose thing we get when we havent had enough sleep. Its only have eight about the time we woke up yesterday and haven’t slept since but we got some stuff done today and got some rough in head plans for tomorrow, had baked tatties and salad for tea, had a shower, took some painkillers, got my hot water bottle and some ovaltine. Comfy, cozy and seriously anxious about what messed up dreams we gotta go through tonight.

Know it was just an excuse but how the fuck is it two faced if you sending a bitchy txt coz your ill then apologise over the phone? We are used to just using the pain killers for the pain now but the fucking dreams. We are never gonna get used to them. They are all horrible. Even good ones are sandwiched between nastiness and grossness and terror and they come back on us when we are awake like somekind of debilitating mental indegestion. Not fair! We never swallowed any of their shit.. 

November 19, 2018

Sleep and then some more sleep

Eventually crashed out about an hour after he left for school and didn't wake up until he came home after three. Ordered food, bought some wine, did some dishes, drank some wine, eat some food, txted the guy not once but twice, got all emotional about the cats, noticed the absence of "delivered" or "read" on the texts thought fuck it its worth ago and used our landline to call him.. He answered said he was busy and would call back later and of course hasn't.

Guess it's not completely impossible that he will get in touch over the next few days but I'm thinking its unlikely. Which is a damn shame cause we would really benefit from some form of cannabis. We fell asleep again after phoning him and woke up about twenty minutes ago. Was thinking we felt a bit better but then we mentioned the cats and yeah we are still crazy emotional about the cats, and damn sore and haven't done anything about the infestation and am all creeped out by all the dreaming.

Tomorrow hopefully will be more productive and that will make us more positive. Really, really wish we could get some cannabis but can't phone any of the others, the mental and emotional health damage would out weigh the benefits and make it an expensive and safety jeopardizing waste of time.


pennies

Checked the bank at about 2am and found the loan was in. Was not expecting it to go in at 2am on a Monday. We sensibly paid our phone bill, ordered nothing but bubble wrap from Amazon and put in a grocery delivery with Asda. Its really sinking in that we are gonna be there, not here. I hope we get something from the doc to help us sleep or just calm the fuck down. Was thinking no way am I unblocking anyone for smokes. Now Im thinking i wish my blood pressure would come down. Maybe will reasse later. It would be so nice and we haven’t had a spliff since August i think.. yep its decided will send a wee txt later on to one of them. Wont be txting anyone else over it and he might just ignore us/have us blocked anyway but its worth ago for some mood stability, a little less weepy a bit more chilled. Health requires we at least give it a shot. May have a better chance of weed from the others but nope cant do it.  They are just too horrible and triggery and the girls will wanna chat like we are pals or some shit and cant be tolerating that at least with the blokes its short and sweet.

Wish we had been able to take pictures when we went in after we signed the lease just so we could stare at them now. We were fucking exhausted and sleep deprived though. There is very little cupboard space, the kitchen is really tiny and their is wood above the windows but not wide enough to fix most curtain brackets to.. thats kinda bugging but there is plates on the doors below the handles and they are decorative.. Storage heaters which is a kind of a bummer but the retired folk downstairs have gas and it helps keep ours cozy to. The agent went in an turned them on the day before we signed the lease and it was pretty cold outside but the place was roasting we went round and turned them all down. Bathroom just has a blowy heater on the wall and it was pretty cold probs wont take long to heat up with it on though.

There is a shower we remembered to check that and just a cheap white shower curtain so we will need to change that. Whole place is painted white but we got tonnes of decor so dont really care about that. The ceilings are pretty high we remember thinking that as we looked up at the iffy lamp shades that will do for now. We are not gonna listen to our impatience and try move the date closer, it will be nice to flit in an organised manner and not when ill and totally traumatised. Its a best for the lad to not change especially as he does have a best pal at his school who is a really good kid and I am sorry to have to break them up and hope they keep in touch.

Sorry about the cats to. Seeing all the cat food in our shopping favourites almost set me off again, looking forward to life without fleas though especially as the place is particularly crawling at the moment, what the fuck are they feeding off? Other than me and the lad of course. Yuck.

There is so much we like about the flat though and its location its no wonder some of our tortured EPs are freaking out. We are not supposed to get what we want and when and if we do the punishment and the down side are severe. Like here and having lots of space, trees out the windows and a south facing garden but Laura died, Margo died and almost everyone is involved in really horrific shit particularly the neighbors who were always pretty central to the drug and people trafficking, child abuse, torture, breeding, slavery and genocide scene here.

Those petrified littles are trying to prepare themselves and the rest of us for how it will feel to be settled in and really begining to adjust and them to turn up shouting and gloating and threatening like they always have. It actually might not happen this time though and if it does our petrified littles will not be on their own with it. We dont think the Krugars would have the same police support as they do here. Its not like we are headed for a big city like Manchester or Leeds or Liverpool. Think those littles are gonna be quite messy for a while though if we get to a place where they can become unstuck. We are not expecting to become any less emotional any time soon after moving. Hope we get a decent doctor and maybe when we get the benefits sorted we will be able to get the odd hot stone massage, find some other freaks to hangout with without it causing more stress and triggers than its worse.

We are so looking forward to seeing old buildings on a regular basis! Being around evidence of long bumpy histories is much better for us than just seeing nothing earlier than late 20th century, we start forgetting and feeling like there isnt any history or culture anywhere and that doesn’t feel nice or hopeful ever.

November 18, 2018

But where’s all the rest?

Dude’s pal at the door eventually got us up after 10 am alarm and some weird call automated call failed. Just wanted to cry. So tired. Switched from stressing about cash to being excited in the small hours. Read some Sophie to try distract us getting that same feeling we always get when learning about Western cultural history, kind of frustrated and alienated feeling. Like we dont recognise any of it, its not out history. We remind outself of how much haa been intentionally or accidentally lost, like the ruins or the stolen and scrubbed Elgin marbles its impossible to get much insight into the real diversity and beauty from whats left. The Greeks painted everything and after so many centuries of bleaching we cant get anywhere near what they once looked like and its the same with the philosophy but its so much more than that to. We feel so alien I guess and all we have is tiny fragments from when we were tiny and with our mother. We can see her lips moving but cant hear the words but there is such a strong sense that she was giving us the answers while she could because as soon as they got a hold of her down here she would be communicating no more.

We are thankfully not a hungry alien as we sold some dvds and stuff and are now snacking and tired but cozy with no pressure to do more.

..

Did a little tidying, just brought a bin liner into our room and put crisps bags and ashtray contents in it, went through a small pile of books that were read or looked at years ago and were mostly disappointing and lainey’s bio of the Foo Fighters bloke which we accepted with no intention of reading, probs wasnt her anyway. Either way he’s a nob and the book is getting charity shopped.

Got past Descartes with Sophie, always a relief he is somewhat splitting. We dont get the logic of most philosophical rationality. The profound arogance of “I think therefore I am.” .. then because I believe my thinking means I definitely exist and I have a long term sense of a perfect being God is also fact.. huh? Spinoza after always helps with the god and nature being the same and after all that Descarting splitting all the oneism is such a relief. His determinism doesnt trigger if we are in a state to be able to read its too natural to be satanic. Its all just brief overviews though, still amazing to be reading chapters again. Not sure if it’s something we would be doing without the move. Not long now  to find out if we did indeed mess up royally or if its okay and we wont have to make panicked calls to local authorities, charities and the DWP to pay for move and food.

Almost feeling calm today after sorting out food, baccy and resting. Need to stop getting too excited though as well as anxious we need sleep, everything is even more too much without sleep.

November 17, 2018

Hunger, generally not helpful.

Got a full tummy and baccy for afters today, tomorrow is looking tricky though. Think there is enough pennies left for bread and got butter yesterday. Nothing left to make meals with though and its unlikely the loan is gonna appear over the weekend. Could sell some DVDs but buses on a Sunday are shit and I think the ones that might be worth selling the Captain Jack box set may have been packed. May have to unpack it. Should still have some of the edible sponge I made with the last egg left for breakfast or lunch rather as both our hours have once again swung back to friggin nocturnal.

Wept with relief when we saw the UC said "case closed" kinda shows the nick we are in and maybe its was seriously premature relief weeping as maybe my other benefits have already stopped along with the loan. Just because we are catastrophicing doesnt mean it hasn't happened... Been some moments of quiet gladness to as well with some concern over how the hell one does Christmas when in between benefit systems we are going to have to speak to someone. We don't want speak to someone someones are cold are scary and might not know or tell the truth anyway.

For now we have tea and cake and baccy and are warm and less sore because the food has us feeling stronger. Best mentally prepare ourself and the lad for town tomorrow though. We are in no state to just go hungry and our lungs are bad enough without bin baccy. It will be worth it when we are out of here and we are not giving ourself too hard a time for spending money on wine to get us to sleep, calm the fuck down or carry outs when couldn't cook. Its just a shame and bastarding unfair shit is like this.

November 16, 2018

"You'll be exhausted..."

Torture programming incidents get mixed up especially if they happened in the same place and within a few months of each other. Don't think many even any of the Dundee ones in our head and body at the moment went for as long or the way they were intended. We keep getting flashes of being frozen on the little couch and some horror middle class male putting on a condom. Times that did go their way will be held back from us and there is nothing to gain from us digging them up. One or two times at least he tried to get pabs  involved and the sight of Pablo's distress, him fighting for us against something so much bigger than him helped rouse us out of whatever was holding us down. Both our heads together could stop what was happening and make sure that that specific male middle class horror bot wouldn't hurt us or anyone else again. Maybe not the first time think the rapist got orders to run and he duly did so. So horrible and we are so scared of everything our body has been through, that our eyes have seen.

It was programming that had us trying to sabotage the move by applying for universal credit early when exhausted and not able to think clearly. It didn't end wholly in their hands though and we have fought to stop it for working before and after the torture that predetermined us filling in the online application and make the appointment for Monday we cant attend. We have left two message on the journal saying we were confused and made a mistake and need to make the claim, provide ID after we have moved and explained we are not physically able to attend the local jobcentre on Monday. It would cripple us emotionally to we caught ourself considering keeping Pabs off school to help and knew even more we can't do this.

It's not just us either trying to stop the institutionalised abuse and as we are long past the place where we protect people and institutions that destroyed us and murdered so many because silencing us was never enough for them. They chose to make sure there was no chance ever not matter how slim of Louise or Julia or Laura or so many others defending themselves and their own, of ever being able to speak even to very deaf ears.

We got out of bed today and got some stuff done, caught up on sleep enough to be able to and to escape the horrible feelings and images. Mostly in the garden the older woman from next door very kindly stopped us from over doing it by walking out into their back garden with a loud fake callous laugh. We skipped back in straight away to glue some wings back on a fairy, very determined to not hear whatever else they had lined up from us to hear.

We need to not make things worse by worrying, can't help it though. If the worst comes to worst the lease is signed the first month paid for, we will find a way. Quite confident we don't bluff, not on issues like this and not over whatever has gone on with us in the past with tech companies, hardware or software issues. We just gotta wait and see. Wish we could of had the house clearance guys round today though. Would of been quite a weight of us if we could of had the rubbish and stuff we don't want anymore cleared but the money isn't there.


November 15, 2018

Stress = Pain = Stress = Pain

So sore. Slept last night but we messed up by putting the new address on the application gonna have to log back in an change it. Got prove who im not appointment though eventually might even go through in time so we dont have to fill out form again. Its all very exhausting and heartbreaking and we just cry so much. Image from dream amongst all the nastiness and abuser family, a leaky roof, water pouring in, not good you would think but we were planting seeds and they needed watering. So very us.

Wish we could handle all the stress and pain better but we clearly can’t. Like we said forever this is worst case scenario but people to wrapped up in not being themselves and believing suits and others with trappings and symbols of power, authority and appropriateness when all evidence shows their fascist slavers and believing them helped them destroy all resistance. Wish we hadnt lost our living Daddy, wish we never felt he was Daddy would hurt so much less. It too late to go back now. Really miss what could of been.

Would of saved myself a lot of grief if i hadnt tried to make things easier on myself by sorting out the application before the move. Now im all freakin coz i made an appointment i cant go to and wont be able to flit if they stop my benefits and the loan that isnt in yet and we only got £10 left. Left a note in the “journal” cant cope with anymore calls anyway. Friggin system is bad enough without fuck ups at user end. Will get to cute little flat. Just gonna be really stressful and painful and exhausting till then and a while after.

:-(

Feel so yuck

Missed out a stage in that title, the cycle includes pain = stress = bad decisions = stress etc

..
I order pizza for the big boy cant go out there, chips to i will be able to eat some of them. Wish loan was in getting so worried it wont come cause started the universal credit application, what if they wont let me not go on Monday. Stupid hurty brain going of and made appointment when would of stopped and calm down if wasnt all over tired and in so much soreness. Worried about paying rent and worried about benefits stopping so we cant pay removals. Pabs says dont worry it will be fine and  gives us his favourite blanket cause we cold. Hes such a good boy. Wish we werent so squished and little for him and us. Hope we make better decisions tomorrow and our work capability form got in.  It should of. We maybe try phone if we can to say we cant do Monday if we dont get reply. In mean time gonna eat chips, drink wine left from yesterday and play on tablet. Not gonna try reading we to little for that! Sophie can wait we get back to her soon.

November 14, 2018

Universal Credit

How very modern British state, steal you, slaughter and sell your people, steal your ID, force you to live as someone else, kill everyone else who has been forced to live under that ID, then force you to prove via a company they do business with to prove the fake ID they force on you as part of proving you cant work after their abuse, enslavement and selling of you has destroyed you ability to financially support yourself while preventing or killing anyone willing to assistant by financially compensating or supporting you.

..

Gotta take it easy I know. In crazy pain. Not gonna miss those internal stairs. Tea, biscuits, chilled music, painkillers..

Slept most of the night and most of the day. But all those hours of sleep make for hours of shitty horrible dreams. Impossible not to start crying at not being able to prove ID for universal credit. The binary AF form was one thing but without a valid passport of driving license I'm basically gonna have to limp and weep my way into a job centre plus. If we dont do it in time we will have to fill out the binary AF form again and it will be even longer until we get help with rent that we had to sign a direct debit for. Tried three different "support our mates by getting a computer to validate your ID when the people who need this service most are also the ones less likely to have current passport or driving license" companies.

Also got a letter demanding our capability to work questionnaire, its dated a couple of days after we sent it in so they probably have it now but not helpful when we are in a mess over universal credit and the move when in soo much fucking pain. Horrible images and rape feelings from all the dreaming keep coming back. We need weed. We need family. We need a friend. We need to not be in so much fucking pain. We need a government that recognising our existence and isn't just a capitalist enterprise benefiting themselves and their small circles of associates and anyone willing to support them in their criminal activities. We need to see some humanity.

..

Yabbering away on the tablet humanising ourself when it turned off without warning and cause its an already existing post there was no auto save. Its just over. Every adult who ever held us and called us one of theirs, then fucked off on slaver orders and have been deaf to all screams, pleading and begging since. Its all over. No smoking spliffs in comfy clothes watching African Queen holding someone’s hand, no dancing with sisters, no more warning folk that them that have you on your payroll have you on their hit list, no more turning up and saving your asses coz you cant save mine if i dont save yours first, no more day dreams about one day having consensual sex, no saying to the lad “This is ... he/she is your ...” ouch you mother fuckers.

November 13, 2018

*dancing woman emoji*

0238 Its paid. Money went in, used the card reader slowly carefully as calmly as possible didn't fuck it up and off the money went. And there is enough left to eat and have electric and gas this next week even if the loan doesn't get in. Yes train line I may have another sore throat and bags under my eyes that look like I have recently had my nose broken but I am indeed mother fucking ready. Unless I fall asleep then when I wake up I will indeed not feel motherfucking ready for anything. Awful rapey nightmares again when we slept earlier but me and a few other woman were helping each other. The cute racist Italian chick from Orange keeps turning up and being a good pal and neighbour in dreams recently, shes not racist in our dreams. Will still manage to get rolls, juice, ham, cheese, lecky , crisps either way. And shower better shower.. And wake up Pablo and get cash out for taxi. Okay maybe there won't be quite enough cash to do us the whole week but that's alright the loan is unlikely to take another whole week its already been a few working days. We're getting the literal keys to a literal new better life today. Hope its not raining so we can take a little walk to. Seen the sea and never walked down to it last time gotta do something about that if health, weather and energy permit.

Hope we stick to our offer of inviting the agent up to see our Xmas deco once it's up. The other place we saw was all modern and our shabby chic addiction wouldn't of fitted in right not like it will in this place. Would be nice to walk into full fitted kitchen though of course, dishwasher and all but we didnt think much of the immediate surroundings there, where we got is actually more "central" but looks likes its gona be dead quiet, docs close to. Oh thank fuck. Probs best hold back on the shabby chic once the loan gets in the clearance guys and the new cooker will take a fair chunk and we will have to be paying the rent ourself since housing benefit is no more there and universal credit is a travesty of carnage and stress and will take ages to sort. There is the deposit for here though.. New keys in my support braced paws.. Plenty time to recover from today and get back to sorting here. Oh joy.

1915

I'm so fucking tired, surely the tiny lapses into almost sleep on the trains home won't stop me from a good bunch of hours, all in a row.. Not a cloud in the sky and cold but not freezing wished we had it in us to wonder down to shore but were to tired and besides plenty time for all that. We got the keys. We signed and initialed all the everything. We are officially getting out of here. Fair bit of thinking and discussions about rooms, really wanting to get him to understand I want him to work for the big one, voluntarily. I want the one with fire place we are not allowed to use anyway. We can stick the tumbled drier in his room and a small dinning table in mine. But now I drink wine and hopefully sleep well or at least sleep. It is very cute and warm.. I need sleep. Real sleep. Just feel so little and overwhelmed at everything that needs to be done and I miss the pusses.