July 28, 2014

Rotten, rotten through..

So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.  

You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. The others Mark Watts (2001, Glasgow) and Ian McFayden (? was interviewed on telly recently.) who tweeted 'if anyone believes the McCanns hurt their child please unfollow me.' Subtle. Not.

We know people are going to say we are trying to derail the establishments inquiry into its self and maybe these memories are 'just' programmes but it's unlikely. Braveheart says otherwise and we know ourselves well enough by now.  There are likely to be witnesses for Glasgow as for my Dads.. Unlikely but you never know.

See lots of support for Michael Mansfield, an established well know legal type who is identified as socialist. It was the pictures of him that made us start blocking inquiry supporters before we  intigrated the stuff about the others. No pictures, no words. Just want to scream, sense extreme pain when we see his pics and have a sense of the 90s and early 00s when all this ongoing stuff was being arranged. Mind controled rapists carving everything up between them all very colonial really.

When the bloke took Conrad away, we had to say something. We were so relieved he was going and the bloke had also bought wee man to me, he was safe in our arms, the littles, the frozen parts were forced forward after the rape on the stairs and whatever he had said to us after which we knew we needed not to hear, as he left we could be more ourselves again and said 'see you in court'. Just to show the littles we were back. The bloke agreed.

When it's was all triggered on Paedobritain Day we heard the usual excuses internally, they have DID too, they were ritually abused and programmed to (poor things it's not their fault) which is probably true but these people are calling for an over arching inquirie they are saying they are all for truth & justice for abused children, except me and mine and who knows how many else ..

We are not saying we never hurt anyone it's the need to do the best by those we did hurt, to admit it and understand for ourselves what we have done and how it came about that is a big motivation behind this blog and every stupid self destructive contact with police. 

We do want truth for everyone, all victims and all the networks that brought about, used and maintained our and others' vulnerable dissociated states, regardless of what the abuse turned people into but we are not going to sacrife ourselves because other people think our abusers are proper people and me and mine are not.

Well hasn't brought us any baccy, food, weed or friends but parts are feeling more loved and accepted after that discloser..

July 25, 2014

"You are a major pain in the arse!"
"Actually I'm just a lieutenant."

Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him and my dad followed me up to my room where I was waiting for them.  When he went for me I kicked him in the head and knocked him to the floor.  My dad didn't move.  Words were exchanged and they left me knowing for one night at least we wouldn't be bothered by them.

No therapy until the end of September, no drama until October.  I've started the Courage to Heal, again and ordered the workbook which had been put of for years because we vary of what will be triggered not necessarly in the work but the book itself has been in someone's possession before.  There's DID books around my bed but we're struggling to read them.  DID is complicated enough without trying to understand who is organic and who is a program.  Really struggling with irritability, tearfullness and cutting impulses whenever there's no weed.  Held the knife to my skin when I was cutting a courgette in the messy kitchen, its blunt anyway.  Keep reminding myself of how it feels after the rush; sore, bleeding and bloody stupid.  No sign of Summer, not for weeks know. The thought of shaving the legs now makes us nauseous.  Therapist seemed almost surprised by the way she was so present and then so absent, back to the same old super depressed ANP where everything and everyone is on lock down and everywhere the wards, the barracks, the nursery, the hills all feel like the aftermath of a tsunami or scorched earth policy.


Corrie Cunts

Ok, lets try and get as much of this down as possible to see if it challanges the sense that we don't matter and that we are letting other victims down.  I don't think many of the names apart from Tong and Savile was included on the written statement back in March.  I really wanted as many as possible to be on it but was exhausted and didn't want to listen to the explanation as to why she hadn't included them.  I was kidding myself that they would be back for further statements, where we could focus on elements, individuals, specific networks instead trying to give a brief overview of 27 years of abuse.

In terms of the 80's the memory of sitting somewhere and saying to the bloke who plays Kev in Coronation Street 'your not a paedofile are you?' was there from sometime around 86', it must of been held by some core personality or something because it's been there ever since.  Not certain and not all that interested in his answer, he may of nodded his head and I would said he wasn't, not really, that they were forcing him to do it, like many others.  But I didn't just mention that early this year I talked about him turning up in Glasgow threatening me about talking and that he raped me then to.  I remember telling the policewoman that I was a bit suprised at this because I didn't think I'd talked much, or at all about La Vell in the statements or disclousers back in St Andrews.  Got the impression that when I said he only stopped coming back up after I got help from locals and a violent part got out that she believed me.

This was written a while back, before the trial, never finished and never published. Much more was triggered during the trials of him (into strangling me during coitus, did fair bit if actual tracking, took me to Jersey, e,g) and Roach (during 90s I was present at this some of his little lets talk about love groups then take me up stairs for physical abuse, used to get us to use progressive muscle relaxation before and after rape. ..possibly took us to Taum.. But maybe that was Rolf Harris.. Maybe both)

July 23, 2014

Awake, alive & everyone is here

Careful now, don't casually read. Especially if not having a good day. 

The washing machine is in it's spin cycle. Our brain does what it is supposed to do and recalls the being raped on our kitchen floor in 2000 - 2001. Putting all they had into matching the violence of the spin as often as they could fit in to their schedules. He's purple in the face. Spity and sweaty screaming  'scream bitch' I'm passing out from pain.  

A different crew are doing the same thing and asking me what I'm going to do when I remember what I will do know. They are more sophisticated and experienced in thier DID/sexual tortute skills. The young media/entertainment types that been used by the same groups as us growing up.  We were all in our late teens and twenties now, they were getting their rewards and I was getting my punishment. The other guys were criminal classes.  Contracted in I guess you could say. The pretence behind them was supposed to be some gang BS that most likely had nothing to do with us. When they went through the same steps, what would I do when I remembered, I said the stuff I knew I'd probably do, the stuff I am doing. 

'Blog it' the guy who was on me laughed, the washing machine wasn't spinning. The other snorted to but looked confused I couldn't and can't tell if it was faked or not.  He then started asking why and I explained.  He says they will be off now but they put us through the usual routines first dispute me crying and begging them not to because it didn't make any difference I couldn't forget things anymore.  They were different to usual they seemed stressed and one of them pretty much admited they had no choice.  

They left me clean, dressed and lieing on the kitchen floor in the same spot, so I would think the pain was from a flashback and not now.  They knew when they left that we weren't amnesiac we bitched and begged the whole way through.

'We'll be off then' meant I was out of that particular trafficking scene.  I had done so well. I knew the younger generation BBC, media powers, dance music scence, their porn and crime crews would be back though. I was no where further forward there..

I wept about it until I realised I was lieing on the kitchen floor, crying about getting so far, knowing who I was, understanding my DID and what was going on and  how much that was not what most of the abusers had in mind and laughed a bit.

. I had already won.


Really really happy with them and extremely happy to be in a place to do them and to remember doing them and to keep and show them..

Super shrink has given us plasticine, straws and cocktail sticks so we can make 3D models. Haven't done any yet but we probably will quite soon and we have lots of strong ideas about where to start.. 

Lots of moving around in our system, which is good a real sense if becoming more myself and confidence that I know how to become myself, ourselves and do what we need to do.

It's exhausting though, the pain at times is so hard to bare and the knowledge and memory of the physical experiences gets us dangerously close to full on awful flashbacks. But we ground our selves, stop trying so hard to run from it and remember all the progress already made.  

July 17, 2014

.. here is some system maps. They are how we we would roughly map out what our internal DID system looks like at the moment when we try and think about where we came from, using what we have learned from other peoples descriptions of DID and therapy.

July 15, 2014


Clean jammies bottems, giant Ts, pants, cardy for us & boy trackies, Ts .. and pants that he will never wear.. We have coped worse.  It's all bit conscious though.. The parts, us, that have battled behind the scenes, hiding anyone that was awake from their own and everyone else's actual real physical origins are turning up at reception, with their neglected festering wounds. We were expecting them thought so it's all good as could be so far. More diazepam and cannabis and Guinness is going to be needed longterm and tasty food. FFS. As usual the being outside and experiencing a pleasant level of warmth and light. If I am going to be able to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth..
Let's gets specific here. Exactly how many peoples' interests is it in for us to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

..      ....

How much exactly do we need to remember of get to place where we know ourselves enough to trust ourselves.  They can not kill a part. The commercial demands, the favour systems, the real and fiction bloodlines. The truth has always been irrelevant. The was never enough meant across party support to completely get rid of us.  Too many years shoulder to shoulder with their bravest and best.  They could experiment all they liked but we were all rooted in each other internally. ' forget nothing that might be useful.

 Our flesh. Our system. Lost so much though. Sometimes often.


July 13, 2014

Saturday July 12th 2014

Rain belting down outside, clean bedding, smokes, and chilled tunes, boys well fed, we were reading together tonight it was great. He's at a stage now that if it's books he's familiar with he will want to take over the reading and get into doing voices and stuff as well.  

I don't really give a fuck how the school thinks he is getting on we all think he is doing absolutely fine.

Gotta step back from twitter csa inquiry thing for a bit... We are back in a place where tweets the mention abusers and locations triggers more than the horrible uneasy feelings and handful of free floating traumatic tiny snippets that have been around forever.  Back to much more sustained, detailed, coherent recall.

 With glimpses of how far we have come.

It's how it works with the processing of it all whilst stripping back the victimised fronts. Going get a bit raw from time to time. 

Harmen and her husband, Cliff Richards. Their names will never be right here. But it's fabulous to stutter, spit then record their names.  

The stuff we tweeted about the dinner parties. Yep. Some of my back muscles relax at mentioning it again..

Weekends 'holidays' in there homes and abroad, slave, pet, poor soul taken in whatever they wanted and asked for whenever they asked. Or so it was supposed to be.  Count the different scenes, the industries professions and social groups involved  count the people in and around those scenes, count the years. 

Anyone willing to put there hand up and say they knew Butler Sloss had been given the inquiry some time many many moons ago. .. BS how would anything that was vaguely usish properly forget that..

Many moons ago though.. Back yond before the dawn of vast swathes of folk being easily in contact with each other and it all being recorded by loads of different people. And the yee oldie porn techs are always going to have their heids twisted by product, zonked out on cynicism to really spot the potentials. It was ever thus.. 

The parrells are always going to be tricky to disentangle, the internal DID system and the external abusive relationships. The systems they wanted me to make that were not, as they said 'to help me'. The faces we made up for comfort. The ones we are blind to.

We are confident that we have a pretty good or vague idea where most of the lines are drawn. Seeing what we thought being constantly confirmed helps of course although our therapist doesn't quite yet but then how the hell would she. We are going to a have a summer break I'm really confident of how we will progress afterwards. She's met enough of us for lots of us to feel ok and is starting to get to know her way around.  

It's good to be here. There has been so much unlocking of hurt women from my attics, cellars and towers. It might sound really wierd and I know your going think it's just the drugs but feel like my feet are on the ground the understanding that I have DID seeping further into every cell making me feel safer and stronger.

Didn't just wake up here. Of course. It's been extremely hard all year. Constantly having to let go of more and more stuff I 'should' be doing in order to make the most out of the time I have that isn't spent clinging on.  

What do we do with it all though. All that graphicnesss, the crunching and the sqweaking scraping of it all and how was that pain so often survivable the yes they did say that when doing that truth and yes that is them on the telly and your only going to remember more and it's already unbareable.

But eventuly there is just relief at not having to hold it all back. That little body and mind stuck there seeing, feeling all that I felt in those worst of the worst moments stuck in that for 30 20 years. I can feel the anxiety of keeping the details away from everyone physically leaving our muscles.  Its a moment that passes soon sometimes but other times, there is to much to process so easily.

The pain and the parts that lived it has to be held to be recognised and mourned before we feel how clean and warn and safe we are again. 

Body needs so much help though so many old needs suddenly all being heard and felt, more and more of them all the time. But we know how the avoid the worst kinds of dissociation manly because we have clear internal voices suggesting alternative ways of thinking and feeling when it really starts to get completlty overwhelming but they will have to just let us go and trust us sometimes.

Sure there's negative vicious voices around but when we give them as much as we can they show scared and tired they are.  They just wanted to go home and when they see it's not us that's stoping them there are not scary anymore.  

Other people are seeing more and more that lots of people with money are really really bad. Sure people with no money were bad to us to but if it wasn't for the people with money I would of been able to of gotten away from the poor ones. But we do feel alive and human and it's nice when we have time to notice it through the tiredness.

and that helps us more than the BS inquiry and all its rnames and faces and places triggers fear.. At the moment .,

July 07, 2014

CSA inquiry

We are not going to cut we are beyond that. The debate is ongoing that's a good thing and of course MPs are going to hand it to already abuser compromised institutions like the police and the NSPCC and of course it's upsetting when your political representation ignores you.

Picked up wee man today it would be good if he didn't hear us weeping within minutes of getting in the door. this blog passed the 50000 views (in 4 yrs! Viral!) would of made cheered us up if it happened yesterday. Would be good if we weren't withdrawing from antidepressants or had this stinking cold and pmt probably to. Would be good if we didn't have to live off £80 for next week when the Virgin bill is unpaid the schools are off and we are probably going to have buy weed if we want to stop crying. Would be good if journalists and others were more sensitive to the pain victims and survivors are going through and how offensive it is to see them congratulating each other when nothing real has been achieved and no one has the support we need and deserve.

Existing structures are not fit for purpose British culture is built on rape in all it's literal and symbolic meanings. But it's ok coz some hacks that don't care about the effects their words and actions (or lack of them) have on PTSD sufferers, Theresa May and the bastards in the NSPCC are going to sort it out..

July 02, 2014

relief,release,stress, relief, release, stress

Pain came back. We did well when it went away though just got up and did stuff didn't push too hard far expecting myself to some how make up for months of not being able to get shit done.  Starting to feel like we are getting a handle on some of the triggers for it, feast/famine dieting, IBS are definitely physical ones, suspecting female company is a programmed one, there is definitely a relationship between it and talking about what happened that is more complicated than, think about disclosing = pain. The relief for some many of us and they hear how strong other parts are and how close they are to them is really palpable with some of the scared. Then of course there is the relief for some parts that they do not have to carry whatever is being talked, read, written about alone anymore. They do not have to hurt themselves and the rest of us by pushing us away because we can't handle what they are holding.  It makes sense that pain gets worse before a whole batch of stuff shifts from snippets to incidents and travel to and from, ect.

 We have writings to show to T going into more details about what we believe is Taum. Everytime I use that word it gets a little easier like Haunt de la Garenne.  There's a big sense that who we are who I am formed on the edges of those pits, piles and tanks.  We stole and seeked out moments so it was just us and them, me and the truth. This formed strengthened our core which means it's something that many parts are aware of and we talked about lots.  Not being silent now is about self respect and respect for the victims, as the acceptance that it all  happened spreads across us it erases any distracting need to prove anything to anyone else.

Just need the parts that specialise in turning our biographical notes and flashbacks into mostly passive prose to get up and we're rolling!

..low on weed ppl and the schools are off..