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Showing posts from January, 2013

Going Native

'Here's your energy bars.  You confident your can work everything?'

It was hard not to love them for it sometimes.  Being dropped like that. What kid doesn't hate everything and everyone about them so much sometimes that they feel they would do anything to be somewhere, anywhere else.

'I hate it here' and two days later and you wake up in a chopper and your not tied and gagged.  The few people there smile and nod.  Call you by an affectionate nickname.

Generally a pretty keen student in anything survival related I give a enthusiastic nod which causes a bit of over eye coverage as the 'you'll grow into it' head shield, quickly pushed back into place. 'Okay then.' 'I'll see back at X in Y days/weeks'.

I got very good and very conscious when I was older at only remembering relevant info relating to safe places to find food, sleep, speak to people.  The actual instructions I held in a way I could repeat but didn't know until th…

Interview prep........

Sent this to to Jimmy, https://renegadesblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-devil-inside/. He spent time in North Wales Care homes and refuses to keep his big gob closed on this and lots of other matters.  I've re-posted it here, then I'm going go back to it later and try and fill in.

'I'm not sure when I met him for the first time.  I remember a man who I think was Savile sticking his tongue in my mouth when I was a toddler and a group of men in suits laughed about it.  After that I taken to various places by various rings and was introduced to someone who definitely was Savile and was told not to let on I had met him before.  I cant remember him being part of anything definitely ritualistic until after we moved out to the country when I was four but I have a strong sense of ritualised abuse becoming very normal to me very early.  'I' wasn't hurt much during rituals before we moved, I was told they were 'just pretend' and was sometimes protected, I…

I'm the 6th Spice Girl!!

I feel like a fraud sometimes.  I should be discouraging people from being too nice to ritual abuse victims,  chances are we have hurt hundreds of people and followed countless orders to quash the vulnerable.  I'm scared that someone is going to come out with something that I can't deny and I'll will loose all the support I'm getting.  I've got to challenge my self censorship though or I will never move on from any of it.  It terrifies the thought of opening myself up and finding mes that were broken and programmed to a point of being pure evil, actually getting pleasure from hurting those that can't fight back, relishing the creative procesess during the planning stages.  Well if anyone did come out with anything I wouldn't try and shut them up I would admit everything I believed to be true and explain as much as I could of the circumstances on the way down.  That's why its unlikely I would ever face legal problems, I would have a legal right to repre…

No hashtag

So then. Assange.  I feel its time to start articulating some sort of disclaimer.  Just because I say something on here doesn't mean I am prepared to say it in court or make formal complaints, doesn't mean I wouldn't either, with the right representation and support of course but this first and fore mostly, self expression.  I don't have any pals to chat about any of this shit and listening to all of it is maybe more than than anyone friend can do for anyone anyway.  I feel scared if I think I'm protecting someone and don't know why.  Maybe I will wake up day and will release that I people I thought were rapists were actually trying to help and the people I thought were resisting were in fact the sickest of the Satanists who personally over saw the production and killing of the wee ones.  But usually what happens if that I access more about the context of a memory fragment over time than realise I was totally wrong about something.  Although sometimes I rememb…

Thank you..

everyone for the encouragement and kind words, you reward all my efforts when no one else does and that means way, way more than I hope you will ever know ;)

I was prepared for the 'so why haven't you mention Savile before'.  Previous conversations are mentioned in  my emails to Yew Tree and to the 2 PC's back in December but I knew I would still hear it.  I told her I have, of course.  She hasn't spoken to her colleagues that have spoken to me yet so why ask that?  I'm preparing for a flat out denial from all them all regarding me saying anything about Savile before he died.  I know though. I talked they wrote, then I signed what they had written, if and whenever asked.
They were pretty dismissive, in attitude and tone to everything I said so no chance of any chatty mes coming out.  I asked her if she would be able to find out for me why Yew Tree didn't want to me to be interviewed before compiling the report saying there was no evidence of Savile's i…

keep talking..

So polis the marra, nae bather though, dishes are done, there's notes writtin and I'll run the hover over the hall again later.  There wis a wee bit o fonin back an fore over the time and a hav ti say, shi soonds like shi mite be a wee bit ov a numpty.  I've been wrang aboot folk on tha fone bifore tho.

I've even had a go at Wonder Webbing the curtains that are dragging on the floor in the living room.  Did a good job on the first side, the other is a bit of a disaster, but its all off the ground.

I'm just glad she is coming in the morning straight after dropping of wee man.  Not enough time to get properly stressed about it.  Therapy afterwards, which is really good. I wont be able to curl up into a ball afterwards and mutter stuff or think about smashing a cup and then using a shard to slash my arm, or going to the pub.

Maybe it won't be like that at all, maybe she will come across as professional and non-judgmental, empathetic and respond to me as she finds…

'Mes' - the plural of 'me'

Enough of all that formal, respectful, compromised, castrated, unemotional language bollox.  Documents don't need to be legal to be historical. You know what's going on behind all this emailing? A reluctance to admit that there is a lot more work to do in terms of the 'mes', and the 'others' the boys, the men, the old ladies, the blondes.  If I start reading or talking about my own experiences of multiple personalities and dissociated states I start feeling like my brain is being spread on toast.  I don't feel I know much about the others.  If I was able to do that they would be another me and not a totally separate person.  I'm not even sure I can tell them from actual other people when I start to think about it.  I used to love to make up new versions of people I met.  Fantasies about what I thought that person could of been if they had been nurtured and encouraged instead of brutalised.  Then I would try and go about doing all the things that the ma…

B.B.C

I have opened a new emailed and called it B.B.C.  I've stopped now, I'm here instead, not knowing where to start.  But the radio is on (6Music - BBC), wee man entrenched in Epic Mickey 2, I have tea, I have heat, I have weed, there is plenty of bread and peanut butter.  When I spoke to my therapist about speaking out she didn't like the idea that I hold things back from formal investigations because they were unbelievable.  All of its unbelievable its starts in unlikely and ends somewhere far beyond current scientific understandings.  I could never come up with the right alternative and I wrestled with it a lot, thinking and rapping with it over years.  Everything always comes out like the stutterings of someone with significant brain abdornmalities, sometimes it seemed very apporiate and I went with it and creeped people out.

A restart and giving up on Chrome and a premature search for Pulps new single that was playing when things started freezing and I am back.  I real…

In response to anon comment.

An Anonymous comment on 'Again'

I saw the computer aged McCann image as a poster in a bar while on holiday in Greece last September. Gave me the horrors a bit. Had some weird and intense premonitory dreams while there, thought 'oh, overindulgence in the cheap local wine'. Came back to UK news of the missing Welsh child April, then the Savile story very soon after, and now my whole life seems turned upside down and my own memories of childhood no longer trustworthy. It's like quicksand now. What was real? I still don't know what to make of the idea of ritual abuse and people like Valerie Sinason. I read blogs like yours and still have no idea. I'm haunted by things that might be real and might be my own morbid over-imagination. There's a range of expensive ready meals called 'Look What We Found' that triggered fuck out of me. 

I really feel for this Anon, the triggers that cause intense horrible feelings but not knowing what they mean.  The constan…

Letter to Savile Investigations.

There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...

 As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously. I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.  

I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the severity of the crimes is enough to waken people up to the cu…

Operation Yew Tree and me: Part 2

Image
Twisty, ancient fucker isnt it?

Well if it is just a part one then the Yew Tree Report is a not bad example of big bureaucracy making some kind of attempt at recognising a very messing problem.  I have to acknowledge it seeing it written up like that  gives a sense of new freedom, a wee bit of faith in society in general.  One document alone doesn't change culture and practices that are generations old though but they can mark the start of processes of real and lasting change.

I didn't like the brief nod in the direction of anything organised though but then I wouldn't would I?  Article 7.12 'no clear evidence of Savile operating within a paedophile ring'.  It was good to feel the old history skills waking up.  At school I loved using documents as primary sources but I did cultural history at university and could longer understand why you would want to spend weeks of your life reading some bureaucratic bull when you could be examining and studying art, or listeni…

Onward then.

Then the weed ran out and I got the letter saying I got no points and wasn't entitled to ESA.  The whole 'Im gonna get myself a MA in English' was much more 'wiz up' then, than 'yea man'.  I might as well put in the effort with the wee scholarship application though.  I need something and if not this than maybe trying for it will help me to figure out what.  I didn't want to completely abandon the idea because it is outside what bloody Cameron and his mates think I should get money for.  I've considered it a couple of times before but the idea seems to be germinating big time this time.  I'm not 'just' an unemployed, partially disabled, single mother with a difficult past, I'm all that but with an impressive academic record.  Not completely mental all the time and actually quite good at figuring things out.

I'm tough enough and sane enough to know that the current local job market is no place I need to be anywhere near at the mo…

Again

Am I really doing this? Sitting in bed with an ashtray nestled in my lap, a spliff in one hand, a pen in the other, notebook resting on my thigh   Radio playing Stone Roses and Blind Melon, in this cardigan that I have now had for more than half my life and hair that still needs a cut. Again.  Its natural, the only route to go down that's why I keep going down it.  Even if I don't really believe in it. I'm still interested, fascinated and its the only area I have experience to build on and a will to continue.  Maybe even a will to apply myself.  Various me's are excited and hopeful others are raising their sad eyes and resting their sore heads and necks. The course has been pre-booked, the 'please give me money letter' in motion, the set texts written down and wished for from Amazon.  MA English - you never know. Jane Eyre is on her way.

The phone call to say I am probably not getting ESA must of spurned me on.  I was asked if there was any more information I …

2013: Operation Yew Tree Extraction

Not 2113 as I was convinced it was last night..Its the 21 Century, easy mistake to make.

I was never very sure what to expect in 2012.  It had some significance, the went beyond the Mayan Calendar  even beyond 12,12,12.  There were times years ago when I longed for it to be 2012.  I always knew it would get better.  Aimed low you see, 'look for the bare necessities , until its safe to take more.

Things have been okay.  Therapy, Little Man at school, a safe and stable home, friendliness and support from twitter, maybe even a pal near by to! Then there was also the psychiatrist who reads notes and the deaths in the family.  I wouldn't admit that as a good thing anywhere but here expect maybe with a good therapist.  Two less people to worry about jumping out of a cupboard on me or wee man.  Two less people who may hold some tiny snippet of memory that might be used to completely rip apart my conscious understandings and take me back into hell where Satan, his minions and their …