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Showing posts from October, 2018

Proper eye feast

It was really beautiful the walk back to the station, couldn't get the lad to appreciate most of it though but there was something for him to. It was getting dark the water flat and mirroring the silver and pinks in the sky just wonderful.

Tiredness crying now we are home though. Not like we didnt get lots of sleep last night its the one thing we can actually do for ourself with the piddly vallies is give ourself one or two good nights sleep. Really really liked the place and it's location. We do have a shot a it worried about the application form which was the one from before and I think we said too much. We do do that. Bank statement handed in. At least we have decided on a location and arnt trying to look for somewhere just anywhere coz that's even more stressful.

Guess all I can do it's cross my fingers, pray and the usual prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It was just so us though. Felt right, really right.

Got our tunes, our maps and of course of phone…

One day a visit to the GP will not result in lots of crying

When we said we wanted a different anti anxiety she said great because they should never ever be prescribing diazepam long term. Talked about the anti anxiety quality of the antidepressants we are on then gave us the same teeny tiny doze very small quantity of diazepam.. We can't separate its effectives from rapists and traffickers wanting us to stop crying and smile. We have tried so many fucking times to explain this to GPs but they don't listen, don't believe, don't care. It we have time we might try going back to another one before we go. We just want a sense even for a moment that someone gives a crap about the shitty quality of live we live but if we get the same treatment from someone else again its gonna hurt, its gonna knock us back its gonna fuck up whatever else we need to do that day coz we will be all tiny alone and crying. Or we will find the decent one we keep half remembering and will feel so shit at the crap we have been exposing ourself to because we…

No Cats in America

"Deadliest attack on Jews in US history." Apart from everything that involved the establishment and authorities and so isn't counted, talked or written about. To be fair they did ship a lot out to Scotland to be slaughtered and if someone is still walking around they cant be technically described as dead even if they have had assorted lobes removed and have no independent thoughts, consciousness or will of their own.

Fucking putrid reading Trump or Sturgeon's anti anti semitic comments. So we stopped, had a shower and came here to off load.

Too tired for much pissed off ness and disgust. Same old lack of sleep and awful crazy vivid dreams when we do. An aeroplane crashing into ocean which I saw falling, but later I was on the plane with the survivors, stuck their, crappy people keeping themselves wasted and striping away bits of the plane to burn for heat or whatever until the thing was increasingly filled up with water and corpses and people who had completely give…

Proudly announcing the annual haircut...

The deed is done. Hair is chopped. Wish we could of done it months ago it always makes us feel better. Its really short. With a fringe. She was good at coming up with suggestions to we can be a bit whatever just cut it off. She cut through our silver chain with the clippers but that's okay, it's a cheap silver chain and was probably gonna break when we tried to clean it anyway. Found a gold one when we got back that Margo's mum gave us and used that. They took more off the bill than they needed to and kinda wish we had remembered to tip the girl she was lovely did a good job and didn't ask any excruciating stereotypical hairdresser questions about boyfriends, holidays, jobs, family.

Haven't done much else today except make tasty tea, medallion steaks, chips, gravy, yorkies, veg so our hands are not too bad. Hope we get some kitchen cleaning done tomorrow though especially the floor, maybe start packing some stuff. Will probably start writing a list of stuff we nee…

Can things not just get better without getting worse first?

Not feeling so good now... Crazy vivid creepy disturbing dreams when we fell asleep again after filling out some more ESA form and we are horribly sore and can't find the pill that means of course its gonna get heaps worse, on top of the clingy cold symptoms and the achey hands before we can some more on Monday.. Just so AARG.. Monday haircut.. Hopefully to. Next week is a new shinny week with stuff we need to do and want to do planned. And today is Friday and weekends much less have tos and shoulds so that's cool. Some embarrassing self awareness exercises with the form until then.

Its gonna get better. Gonna live somewhere that doesnt trigger us so badly and so everywhere, eventually gonna enjoy walking again. Gonna get ma phone and ma tunes back. Gonna get the fuck out of Fife. Maybe even gonna experience the wonderousness quality of life enabling benefits of weed again.. Hey maybe we will get the prescription oil at some point and get permanently off the baccy. Definitely…

Hurty hands :-/

Asda delivery yesterday, lots of eating and drinking and I actually got more than three hours sleep and it feels pretty damn good. Stupid cold, stupid pain still bugging us of course and our hands are really suffering from all the form filling, which we can't type because we get all overwhelmed with computers these days and that takes ages to go away. We tried to use the app for ages even though it doesnt autosave and we lost everything we had written a few times, took ages for us months to feel comfortable using tablet to write these and have only just started using chrome as main browser instead of the crappy one that came with it because that was the first one we used.. Its kinda humiliating knowing there is a world of less smart less cool people out there who can learn shit way better and don't get overwhelmed by simple tasks like we do but doesn't make us feel inferior like it used to.

Looking forward to next week, picking up our phone and got a viewing somewhere we …

Diary of Constant Peeing

Was the partner of the blatantly abusive landlord that came over for final inspection. He sounded nice on the phone but was fairly cold and not engaging us when he came round. We were hoping he would ask how the house hunting was going, guess we were hoping for a conversation. Stupid us. We said we had done a lot with the garden but he just looked out the window and said nothing. He talked about having to decorate and recarpet pretty sure thats pretty good for a house that's has three different lease holders in about seven years two small and one less small children and one dying alcoholic in that time and not a penny spent on it by them between us. They were are really supposed to make sure there is working smoke and carbon monoxide detectors we were told they were coming but they never showed think that was over a year ago. There was a guy repainted some of the mess made by the busted roof but he didn't finish the job and the roof wasn't properly fixed and was still lea…

Gonna miss you trees

Sunny autumn day and light coming through the various colours on the silver birches helped get us up and doing some stuff. The plans to wash the kitchen floor after tea were over ambitious though. The virus, the aching are getting to us and our hands, wrists and fingers are getting sore as well. Need to remember to include that on the assesment, trying force us into the job market would be unfair on us, Pabs and any future employer. Who wants to pay someone to phone in sick or come in and spend the shift crying in the toilets and can't remember how to do anything when they arnt... Those rows of numbers when we were put with accounting in Aberdeen, literally turning into incoherent symbols, the suspicion cause by our scars and constant peeing. The brain splitting stomach churning sexual harrasment. The migraines, the viruses, the to exhausted to sleep all night followed by sitting in a warm office space with uninteresting work we didnt care about. The awful pain, exhaustion and lo…

..fabulous.. *sarcasm*

Yeah that's a sore throat on top of the gyn ache we thought when we woke up but we can rest, do a little, rest, do a little, rest.. Put some stuff in boxes, faced the cupboard that still has Laura's stuff as well as loads of our hand written notes about about ourself.. Made a wee pile to send up the road, that may trigger a phone call but its baby pics and albums we can't chuck it out, I'm not like that. Emotional though of course espically since Ms Sore Throat has of course been joined by Mrs Fever, they are quite inseparable. Okay, bigger rest required and food, not being able to eat and only being able to eat empty calories is a big factor in our symptoms. Lad sent up to charity shop with some clothes, think they will take books to. Very handy. I will just opened this letter than landed on the mat with an ominous thud.

Capability for work questionnaire.

Cry a little, deep breathing. Had some beans on toast (round of applause) and back to bed with hot water bottle c…

need

Got a lot of hate for which ever scum bag neighbour stole the extra wheely bin the council gave us to help us deal with all Laura's stuff. Probably the cunt who came round with others giving heaps of attitude and saying it was his bin when we had had it for months. Bet the bastard has a fucking car and if he doesn't will certainly know heaps of people who do. Might try asking the council for another and will be putting the house number on it this time. Man I can't wait to be away from so many shitty nasty evil and petty protected scumbags. Its going to be heartbreakingly exhausting in the mean time though. Gonna be a long time before we are away from the constant edge of tears state. Made a docs appointment but its for the week after next.. Don't know what the landlords people are gonna say about all the stuff we can't shift but its not like we got the keys to an empty clean nice smelling house. Far from it. Gonna need the deposit. Badly.

Our phone has been found …

so Canada, can we afford that?

Nope but we do have cheap crisps and vino.


Got back today, minus my phone because I heard it drop to get off a bus couldn't find it so just got off.. The bus was already running well late and we didn't want to in convince anyone... ... Learned a fair bit, got my eye food and stomach food without having to cook and clean myself, have one definite maybe and accepted that proper rural without being or having a driver is a pipe dream. That hurts of course (Don't think about the homes and locations and services enjoyed by people who have bought us to do their job, don't think) but in the process of learning this we did meet a very cool rich lady who drove us back to town in her Porsche, she has no issue over taking on country roads but does have an issue with sexism and animal abuse. Think we maybe met her in one of our previous incarnations, we generally seemed to have met most people we meet in a previous incarnation.. There was a weird second when she picked up our shoe…

hungry eyes

Haircut for the lad and check deposited today. Tomorrow we go house viewing and stay overnight which is quite exciting looking forward to the eye food we get just being somewhere else and from train and bus windows.. That hopefulness of being on the move. There is of course a pretty good chance we don't get any where that we view but we will know the areas a bit better and can start bidding on homehunt, never got round to applying for priority points, who likes retyping a bunch of uncomfortable shit after loosing it all the first time? No one.. It is possible to walk into the small spare room though.. We knew it was probably a good idea to keep all the huge Amazon and wood boxes. Got a quite a few of them.

Actually slept for most of the night last night.. Crashed out for a couple of hours after town to but still feel super duper knackered. Really hope we sleep tonight its gonna tough tomorrow anyway what with the travelling and the chatting child, Steven Universe today, lots of t…

exhausting being awake, exhausting being asleep

Was asleep before midnight! Woke up at half three needing a pee and didn’t get back to sleep again.. Docs appointment is on the list of shit we gotta do, our heart rate keeps us awake and progressive muscle relaxation isn’t helping enough. Hope they actually help with a reasonable drug at a reasonable dose and quantity. Sleep and less anxiety when awake could make so much difference over next few weeks, forgotten how it feels to get more than four hours sleep.

Glad we were motivated for a while to do a few things done. So glad this is happening now and not before when we were so ill we couldn’t cope, dread to think how it would of been handled and how much worse the pressure would of made us.

Not too worried about Frank and cos threats to follow us wherever we go, probably pretty empty but the size and the nature of the rings here is a factor in us needing to get as far away as we can. It will bound to get out though and we haven’t forgotten about Pabs teacher saying she knows Bill b…

cope, eat, hope

Was after 10 am before we got to sleep, the time we were intending on getting up to start emailing and phoning. Voice mail alert text message got us up after 2. Email box full of confirmations from housing associations and our reference number. Lost the priority application but we are registered and have at least one private let viewing and a train booked to get most of the way there, also found a check for almost £100 for over paid council tax on the door mat. So not bad for the day after receiving notice. Tired but hopeful. Glad its Friday tomorrow we can work on the priority points and this place. Be good to get a nights sleep. Not counting on it though.

Pubs, monsters, guns and falling corpses in our dreams. The falling corpses were the worst we got splattered a few times but not hurt. Blokes were throwing them down over us. We wasted the only round in a revolver some older guy gave us on a giant, then headed off somewhere. People were running round trying out different methods t…

..Oh no please don't force me out of Fife..

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Pretty sure that's what was said back in Dundee when they threatened us with this, think the last post was a factor but our general refusal to take orders from rapists and not shut up about genocide is not gonna make us popular and they were running very low on meaningful threats. One calander month though... Wish we had started saving a little earlier then it would be easier. As would a driving license and a car.. And friends or family or real ID and bank accounts. Oh well, we need help motivating ourself and this is certainly that, not sure what the letter meant by "current climate" though it's maybe just something they say. Hope however buys it appreciates our fairy garden..

When we grabbed our nearest notebook to write down notes for houses it fell open on this, obviously written when we were still playing Happy Street and hadn't decided on the "z"..


No we can't make it all out or make sense of it all either, big part of why this blog exists we…

..keep ticking..

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Aye Niki soonds great stealin the philosophy an intellect of a those millions o murdured folks an keep buildin yir hooses an shops an eye sores o parliments on oor remains.. Am sure all those rich fascists across the globe will have nae probs with that since they used Scotland ti slaughter an annihilate all opposition an rely oan the breedin fur aw their authorities. Job done eh hen. Time for the pay off coz cunts that work wi an use vacunt Satanics an ancien progroms o slavery an torture an rape fur genocide an total control ovar evrythin are dead reliable like.. Yi goat fuck all frum us. Shame like just a wee sign o life an heart in yis an Scotland could o been mazing.

That house in Amsterdam that we, I or one of us or several of us couldn't get out of with our eggs in the basement had a front room that was used for hanging up and drying baby skins. Some aristocratic woman was being shown them and said she liked the black ones, it was then the puking in the cupboard happened. T…

hate migraines

Did read some complaints in the reviews of the sleep aid food supplement about people getting headaches after taking it and we have been warned about magnesium. Best absorbed through the skin that way you only get what you need. Was awful of course for hours but didn't lead to the full on voming. Second time we have had one after flea powdering a cat although we do wear a mask because of our crappy lungs. All achey, exhausted and of course weepy and longing for a carer/parent now though. Been a while since we have felt quite so homeless while in a home we only share with our son.

Goddam Oasis/Gallaghers in our dreams again, still didnt get us back in the tank oven thing, partly because me and sisters took those fucking things apart in the 90s. It was quite theraputic. Some track we can't remember played and that "I hear you loud and clear" one as well I think it was recorded but never released. Can't remember much about it beyond that line in the chorus and a li…

why do they have to spoil anything good about everthing?

The food supplement pills did seem to be helping our mood and quality of sleep, a little bit. We made soup in the last few days, been keeping the kitchen cleaner to and hoovering. Staying awake all day and keeping busy just isn't resetting our sleep pattern, we get a night of decent sleep but still can't keep our eyes open the next day, nap a bit then can't sleep at all. Getting some good chuckles from pintrest though. Drinking too much wine isn't helping but the first class or two does. But we won't be having any today. Feeling too yuck. Hate sending dude to school with a class teacher that didn't mind telling us or him that's she supports an abuser despite being asked not to, why would our opinion make a difference? Its of no consequence.. He sneezed and coughed a bit, that will do us start the autumn holidays early.

Feeling close to the horror and agony that Louise lived all those years and the horror and agony we were put through particularly in Dundee…

hurry the fuck up

Didn't sleep as well as I hoped. Did get a good few hours during the actual night though. Woke up feeling as miserable as normal. No plans to jump out of bed and start cleaning or weeding or some shit. Its too bloody cold anyway. Probably a bit over tired, been struggyling to keep the fags down to every 2-3 hours so that adds to the yuckiness to. Addictions, depression and boredom a bloody pain espically as we felt a bit better straight away with the cutting back. But now we are sad and hopeless and pissed of again. Was good yesterday during the day though getting stuff done, being outside, eating well all without cannabis or cannabis cravings. Craving a lot this now though. Wish we could just take a couple of pills of something nice, smoke something great and feel all warm and lovely in bed for the day. Then get up and make food and parent.

He went off to school with scrambled eggs and toast in his belly this morning, like to give him protein in the mornings espically on Mondays…