April 27, 2017

:-)

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually..

Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in the space left next to the pinks and we are pretty sure thats what it is we scooped some of it out with a dessert spoon and put in seedling tray.

We put a couple of the new stronger looking trailers out put them in the big hanger in the corner. Think amazon said the compost could be here today. Really going to try and give the honey suckle at least a hope of flowering this year. It says where it is and we keep getting flashbacks about looking after Margo's garden up in the shire when she had honey suckle or a few years and it still wasn't flowering. There is this image of us spilling miracle grow near it in way that made us suspicious. It was a lot and we spooned up a bit of it and then watered the rest in it was outside and in the ground so should probably be fine. It was when they were away we noticed the first hint of a bloom above where we had spilt the plant food.  So we added it to our plant watering regime at least it didn't involve carrying water up a attic ladder. A few of us did get quite nifty at that though and I think others may have spilt flower food on it in passing to. By the time they came back it was fucking glorious and we told her there was a surprise out the back. What a state she was in..

It is already quite fabulous out there in a cute kind of way. Still haven't built the bench yet will do though. Promised the lad we would do it together anyway. We have been encouraged a lot to get some butterfly bush for the bottom for privacy. When we were here talking about it one of the guys had to be briefed by one of the other guys that privacy stuff was exactly the kind of the thing we had been programmed not to do so doing it would cause massive anxiety and severe risk of attack. Then we all had to explain to him what programming is, being told not to do something repeatedly with extreme violence and starting when very small. Poor guy. He asked who by of course, well fascist minded people everywhere but it was the British, Russian and U.S networks that were the hard core and the hardest to crack.

A local example of that system came out the kitchen and the guy was viably freaked by it all. Not sure what happened next think the local example switched to violence mode and we stopped him said some shit and then he left, they all left. Cunts.

You would tell us to take it easy today wouldn't you.

Love you. Love you to Shaun.
xxx 

April 25, 2017

Hi Daddy!

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself.

We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up laughing at how switchy we were and then apologising, you said it was fine and we believed you. It was so right we were there together. Being together in a psychiatry unit, surrounded by other patients and their normal niceness or indifference or obvious out of it ness, we were glad of that.

 Then we remembered that we used to always feel like wherever we were was the most perfect place for us to be in if you were there to and you noticed our mood totally change and asked. We felt that lose again. How it felt when we were still physically little to miss you all the time and know that every day they were taking us further from each other and further from hope. To survive all the abuse and torture as people tried to make us talk about you, give up on you, hate you, believe you were someone else. We managed to swallow down whatever they were serving and say we were remembering how much we missed you.

You let us see then, the state you were in to and wished so much you could of stayed in the hospital to. Knocking back whatever they gave us and letting whatever they said wash over us for a week or two and then get the bus back here together.

Later on one of the louder patients said something about you looking like someone, as people generally do. I can't remember what was said but we are pretty sure it resolved into laughter in ways it doesn't and hasn't much elsewhere.

The dudes are alright huh? We figured they must be but when we saw them we had no concerns like that anyway, just about them and that was good because that is what we are like its how we like to lead. It was something else when they brought out an non you before you got here. It was obvious, really fucking obvious none of them had a fucking clue what was going on, who each other were or who they were working for. It's was beautiful watching them loudly clearly figure out between each other who they should contact for instructions. We couldn't handle how well it was going at times then we remembered and just felt depressed. If there was anything different about this time it would have to be protected by us acting like there definitely was nothing different about this time. We have felt impressed by us before and not just when we forgot than we had multiple multiples running all kinds of support and back up we had forgotten about but when we are so awake and so know what we are doing. We cried a bit for whatever had us so awake and at the same time because we knew they were going to making things worse with whatever anti psychotic they were going to put us on and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get out from under them.

There were times we really wished we were in a better state to appreciate what was unravelling around me but we knew they take their clues on how they treat us by the way we are acting so we had to stay very focused on the art of keeping the mother fuckers guessing and remember only what we needed to when we needed it. We know us. We plan like fuck and we go over and over because we had been trained hard in that when little and it never stopped. And this was it. We were to old and had a brain with to many survivor pathways for this shit to continue as it was.

One of the most uncomfortable things this past while has been the blog writing and blog writing programming that went on. We know the external and internal battles about writing or talking about you have been major. Not everyone would be in a state to know that wanting to writing about you was fucking suicidal but claiming DID amnesia and a centre that didn't give a fuck about any of it seem to be more and more effective over the years. As was the large scale complex fiction production to. We can't remember the location or language but we were somewhere a few of us, somewhere we would all rather not of been but if we had to be we knew needed our eyes open, we must of been being cared for. Some bloke is walking us through some military type place and he's talking about "Soviet" style propaganda tsumanis and "we" being the one of us visible of the three or four armed,covering and none of us feeling out of our depth says "Soviet? Don't you mean Murdoch style?" and took a punch in the face that had us on the floor that we were too gallus to see coming. He was quick. Not for long though.

We didn't black out, we considered where we were then and there and the whole wider and wider awfulness that we were all in, what had just happened and what the options where. We actually programmed a computer that we sometimes used when we were not sure of ourself. Did we need to kill this person in order for all of us to survive? We turned it off because after awhile because it just kept saying "Yes" about everyone. We suspected some brother or other had been used to hack it but that bull. Someone suggested that if it got as far as asking it then we probably knew the answer and we agreed, it was so depressing though we so wanted there to be other ways and we worked so hard to find those other ways but any let up at any age meant instant horrific loss.

We all tried so hard to stop things we needed to tell you but couldn't to go to other,. wrong people but it wasn't always possible.

That morning. When you were sleeping after that night before and we knew you had seen and knew enough to not just be overwhelmed and destroyed by it as everything and everyone is if they do not know how it works. And you saw it. After all those fucking years. You could truly see us and we would see the whole us. And have to leave again of course. There was a finality to it. Not of me and you but of all that that we could never believe could ever be over. We could talk about it with you. We had completely forgotten by the morning that of course you did not come alone how would that be even possible.. But the look of him when he came in.. We didn't need him to say anything. We didn't need to see him break but he did and we were glad he did it there with you and me.

The parting though. We got all self centred and pissed that we had done all this work to get our mental health back and know we had to help it, you into the back of a car and watch it drive away then walk back into an NHS psychiatric unit.

We kept looking up at the sky. It wasn't bothering us we just walked you out the building on a niceish day with no cover.We said didn't we? About the wishing he could stay and we could enjoy the countryside and the views together then go home here get Pabs look after him and potter about in the garden. One of the lads had not seen that part of us before and was a bit shocked to hear us say such things but his colleague was a bit more experienced and I think was laughing at him, then we laughed about it to..

Maybe soonish.

Love you. All of you.

Through all the Satanism and hate and ignorance they could find, create from all over the world at us and we still ended up together in a bed clean and fed and safe in the centre of everything and everyone they believed was theirs, giggling about it.






April 24, 2017

Your not our brother

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her.

Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around.

We did everything we could to stop them doing what they did to you but they always have very big numbers of previous victims keeping them safe and doing the work. We really hope it is over for you soon and everyone else who was broken and kept broken so the brain couldn't heal and forced you to do such horrific things over and over so you would never be able to remember who you were. We showed and screamed to so many nations, "both fucking sides" but they were usually too groomed and too conditioned to hear us or care. They knew its a horrible world out there and nothing, nothing would make them take any chances that may possibly lead to any aspect of their personal comfort and safety to be jeopardized. It matter how little the risk was and how great the gain could be. Privilege rules. The familiar is justified. 

I wish we could get out and take anyone decent with us and then end this satanic shit hole and all its rape bots and rape bot programmers permanently. Out there is teaming with life, hope, truth but Terra is death.

April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.



April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



...

April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)



Mum this is .. Daddy.

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most.

The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back to being a very special girl in a very awful situation as that was the truth anyway.

"Your mother" We were being asked again. "No not any of them the real one. We know she is alive and we know she is helping you." This was all fucking news to us and our face showed it. Something quick and strong in us they had just pushed whatever it was that they were using to knock us out and it all went black. When we came round we were confused and the system had all changed we tried to answer the questions as best they could. We watched their attitude and language to and around us change as we did until we knew we were ahead of them. They started the we are your friends but we are being forced to pretend we arn't routine which is so standard.

Once they had left we took a little moment to think about what has just happened and how many others had been asking the same questions. We had no option with the way the system worked and the way they forced the amnesia and then the faked the memories so all the victims believed they might be the youngest daughter in that family and had been with them their whole life we had to shut down all thoughts about her. It wouldn't be that hard we had all the systems in our head that made us amnesiac of our sisters and our kids.

We were generally not all that convinced she was until we saw the way they went after her and it reminded us of the way we had seen them go after us and we were convinced she was at least from the same systems and not lying to us about how much she was fighting them.

Writing this we remember a phone call when our head was so bust you could of said pretty much anything to us. What the voice said was that he wanted to remind us that we have a mother and she was on our side. We free to be little and cool about it. We said something about our Daddy finding her and he said yes Daddy found her. She would be helping us all as soon as possible.

We were quizzed of course, about the who and the what of the call but all we needed to do was leave the answering to most of the system because it had no idea what that call was about or who to or if it really happened.

We knew it would be long and awful night though once the quiz wondered off to discuss tactics with the staff and others. Any hint of "our real mother" and all the rings and abusers would get instantly and radically even worse and less survivable.

We survived though. Or at least some of us did.

Why the hell are we writing this now is it was always so dangerous before. Well systems have changed, like we keep saying when they get what the want and don't think we could possible jeopardize it they have other people to bother and leave us alone. We also have a sense of this being a part of our survival plans, like many posts have been, at times forced on us or just us or with someone else helping. We are hardly going to sit here forever with a big gaping hole in our being covering any do with having any mother at all, doing so much work with so many of us but leaving out those of us who remember or how anything about her.

We were as confident as we could be that we got the plan out to Mum when we got the confirmation through. The chances of someone else knowing that code was ridiculously small. Impossible even but numbers girl knew that but not that it was a good idea, emotion girl knew it was absolutely something we needed and had to do but would never feel convinced it was real.. We stood by the electric fire in the flat thinking on that before an ill fated attempt at something domestic in the kitchen.

"We know you were talking to your mother.."

We knew we would not of done anything to trigger an attack from these cunts if we did not think we could handle it. Little was quite frustrated when some of them ran away down the close and got away and we saw ourself standing there in the lobby outside our flat door and we knew we must of had contact with mother because whenever we did we got this glaring obvious self awareness that we didn't get at all when we had all thoughts of her safely at the back of an endless cupboard. That had to be a significant factor in why they were all so against her but it wasn't just that. Her very existence seemed to threaten them, all of them we never saw them unite quite like they did for anything or anyone else.

We weren't on our own when it finally did start to unravel. We had sisters and others there to help hold us together. We are not worried about that happening again because we know we have it up so it will happen gradually. We don't feel like we are endangering ourself particularly either. It feels the same lots of danger but we are maybe a bit less scared of it.





April 18, 2017

..refused to allow us to maintain his life through unnatural means..

We knew. Before, after, during on various levels and never all at the same time. Someone tried to make us face it in hospital we hid from them but think he grabbed us and stared into our eyes, "Your Dad's dead. He died months back." Then he said something about that being the reason we were ill and in there using pretty stigmatising language. We came round then. We knew who we were in comparison to him. He was on the floor when someone else non friendly came in and asked about the guy on the floor. We were back sitting on the bed, all tiny. We said the guy said something horrible so we hit him but he was okay he would get up in a minute. He said something we didn't understand or hear and then left quite quickly. We looked down on the other guy. He wasn't going to getting up again and we knew that meant we were probably safe enough to sleep soon as no one would want to come near us. We tried not to think about all the drugs that were feat away and how much we were terrified of them in general but particularly in the hands of scary people.

There was someone less horrible who talked to us briefly about it sometime in the days after that. Think he might of asked us if we were all right and we were stable enough to say we were obviously were not. We have said stuff about Scotland and the role they had us in being permanently unsafe so often we probably managed to repeat some of that because we can remember feeling the hate rise in one of the guys with him and pity in the other when we did. We asked the guy we were speaking to look at the most basic facts about me and son's life and history and ask how we would agreed to or be benefiting from any of it.

He looked away, he wasn't disagreeing. The hater did. He said something noxious that gave the pitier a bit of a start and stare him instead of me. We were going to say something but then just let out a sigh and motioned towards the guy who said the noxious shit then looked back up the guy who we didn't hate enough that we would not be able to talk to at all. Not sure if that was a time when we said something. Something about if that was true what would talking to us like achieve or bring up some of the many many inconvenient to their fiction facts or if it was one of the times when we just remembered that 95% of the time nothing we could say would change there perspective it had to come from someone they knew, someone they identified with, one of their own and remained uncooperative until they left.

Was it a yearish ago? I dunno. Could be. If it's true. It was awful. Someone used to say he didn't like me and my Daddy being so close because it would be hurt us too much when we were apart. What utter bollocks. None of us bought it for a moment but some our sisters got tricked into it and very furious when they realised it was just more divide and conquer nastiness. It didn't matter that we got a little time to hold and weep with our remaining sisters at the hospital we could barely even see them we were just so broken. It mattered to the littles that we can't access on our own lots though.

We were also just so focused on getting through certain conversations with particular slavers/intel agents. We were split into parts that were able to deal with the associated traumas and ones that absolutely could not and we needed to show the petrified ones that the rest of us we were there now and could stand up to the abusers and protect them.

There was moments when people turned and left and we watched them collapsed on that hospital bed weeping in relief at being left there alone like that because other worse alternatives were so close. So fucking close.

Surveillance Surveillance Surveillance and Extreme Violence

Washed and dried our bedding on the line yesterday so of course we need to stay in it this morning and get it all less clean. Pretty confident we will manage to pull ourselves out later on to do more cleaning. The kitchen is much better. It's between the garden and the rest of the house so if the outside if pulling us it gets easier to keep it from getting too bad. There's plants, seeds and furniture on the way. That will definitely motivate. Lad has promised to assist with the bench that has been in the house in a box for almost a year..

Can't seem to catch CNN not being shit as much as we did. There's Al Jazeera of course if we can stomach the blood. Go for the bairns. How original. How brave. How effective..

 Steady stream of meetings being exposed between Dumpists and wealthy Russians though on twitter. Bits here and there about European countries to. Not Britain so much. Expect that stuff with the important website going down and an important time and stuff connecting Farage and Assange. But nothing much and nothing that had any real effect..

When we were working with U.S agents who at least believed they were telling us the truth and not going to be part of shutting us down it would be heart breaking watching them trying to get their heads round right wing Russia and Britain and US media connections with the available information. They still had lots of respect for their British colleagues and where no where near seeing/accepting that they had been playing them the whole time. We hinted to a couple of them who we could see by the look in their eyes and the work they were submitting they would going to be letting any of it go that maybe the should consider looking further back than they had been.

They found me on my way to being pulled out of there and sent back to rape based stuff. Again there eyes gave them away it was a massive relief that we needed to survive the next months and years, they were getting somewhere. In a typical North American manner looks are not enough for them and they said a bunch of stuff that confirmed and some that were getting somewhere.

The break up of the UK seems so much more likely than it did. Proper exposure here seems impossible as ever of course. The links between the shit we have written about across the blog are out there. We would ask them in Russia why if they wanted to destabilise everything everyone why they wanted to protect the existence of the U.K so we would be repeatedly told in varying detail and bluntness about the shared interests and culture. Thee was bugger all point in sharing this stuff with Brits but we gave it a go pretty much for the fun of it anyway. Different story with the Yanks. There was a few who said it was all fake and we knew they would we just wanted to expose them to it anyway, a few who were triggered in an extreme manner and attempted to take us out then and there or arrange something for later if that was not practical but there were others who equally horrified by the material and British full involvement in what Russians were doing in the UK.

Full involvement with all the large scale awareness and consent that involves. Yuck Sir. We've caught ourself half wishing we hadn't held Daddy get safer and bit better because we knew he would ask as soon as he would ask about it and no would can ever be ready to hear or speak such stuff. Britain, Russia, R.A, established authorities, Us'es. He would here everything we would safe and when we could would get someone to take him to sites where are people where working with the evidence and tell him and show him stuff we will never be old enough to. We would hide and cry when he came back and spend the whole time fretting when he was away. If there was anyone around they would usually be able to get it out of us that Daddy was being told the worst stuff about Britain and they would help distract and comfort us.

He often cry to when he did get back, he would usually say he was proud of us and a couple times he was shaking and was just so quiet and pale and would just sit on the edge of his bed staring. We put our hands around his and wrap ourself around him as best we could. If he wept we knew it was a good sign it would be he would be able to rest and have a chance at being okish. We would be wound so tight until he did. One time people kept asking us what was wrong and when we said and they told him he told us he was okay he didnt need to cry this time we ok and then asked if was okay if we could sing to him and got him to cry that way. He hugged us properly again then, laughing and crying at the same time.

None of any of that was even imaginable over here. At any point then or now.




April 17, 2017

Ug Daddy,

It's even worse with no contact with you are my sisters. I mean I know you and them are always 'here' but without real regular reminders that you and them are physically real it gets harder and harder to remember who I am..

...

"What about our mother?"

We had had a feeling she was about to ask that and we had been trying to get the energy to get up and try and get away from it but she would of probably of just followed us or asked louder anyway. All the rest of us were in a post battle dissociative haze, coming down and coming down hard. Not her. She was up. Her brain only seemed to turn on when everyone else turned off. It was probably because that was the only time she could get a word in or could even hear herself but it did our head in.

I'm not allowed to get into that until we are older.

Says who?

Well it's not so much as we aren't alive it's that we have enough to deal with and it would be best to leave until we are older..

We all looked over at someone when she squeaked and flinched because something under debris near her foot. It stopped and she moved on and the rest of us looked away. Chirpy was quiet and we were so glad for a moment then before it dawned what that silence meant. She was thinking and the longer she thought the worse the next question would be.

It didn't come from her. It came from Sombre sitting next her.

But I thought you knew everything.

We probably sighed and she was maybe about to say something else but we stopped her. It was a fair point and as good a time as any to address it.

Yeah but it's really deep down. Our sanity wouldn't be able to cope with how bad it's going to be and we have to fight hard and we won't be able to do that if some of the things that are going to happen are going to happen no what what we do.. It will make the programming worse and make it easier for us to give information to people who shouldn't have it.

They both made noises in agreement. Flincher was still wandering through the debris looked over at us. She was coming round. We were not completely convinced of all of it it. There was certainly some truth but we knew we had not figured out difference between all of abusive and supportive systems when it came it to people who said they were trying to protect us. We didn't really feel in a state to make any head way with it then and there.

Bro said something then. We had forgotten he was there because he hadn't been there for a while and because they had but all of us through stuff aimed at making us forget and bury all sense and memory of him. Can't remember what it was but it was really useful. One of us said we were really glad he was here and the rest of us agreed. He started crying and I we really started remembering him properly and we all ended up hugging and crying.

The transporter came for us not long after that. We were terrified they were going to take him from us but the guy said it wouldn't be happening yet. None of us cared how long for or what they were going to do to us next not in that moment we were just glad we were together. So glad. I and maybe more of us knew we had been told they would make us suffer greatly for any joy and happiness we felt no matter how or why we felt it but it didn't matter. For a while. They made him sleep in one of the changes when we got back think they said it was because it was knew to them. We didn't believe it we saw the way they looked at him. If bro knew he wasn't showing it and was curled up facing us and smiling with his eyes closed and we couldn't help smiling like that to.

He made it easy to let go of the worries over biological mothers and wars we would have to fight after we had survived all the wars we were currently in.

April 16, 2017

7 years, 10,000 views.

How many writers?

It might of been us you know. That was grabbed from that shed when three of us had escaped and were hiding and living there together. It had to be me because the other two were all too little and they wouldn't be able to protect themselves or the rest of us from the systems that bloke and his associates handed us over to. We hadn't had enough time to teach them or tell them enough, then hadn't seen enough. We hadn't counted on how much the other two would never let us go though and for how much of it it wouldn't of mattered which of us they had. At the centre of it all though was something we believed only we could face and if we faced and failed it would determine millions of years of more and worsening slavery for pretty much everyone everywhere.

Some of the groups were running a line where they told us something like that, thinking it was fiction and they became so useful for us. It was believed they could learn more from watching us with people who were less smart and knew less than attempting to interact with us themselves because this triggered us into acting like I was a normal kid they just picked of the street or out of a family home. They couldn't budge us from that state and knew the longer the more they spent with me the more I would be learning who and what they were. It's not like that was really all that limiting. We always messed up when we forgot how much we had to hide and over heard one of them saying that it didn't matter if I was unconscious one way or another I would still be learning and the drugs got away from us because we remember feeling kind of impressed he knew that and another of them picked up that we had responded to something.

We were surprised further at how much they seemed to by buying whatever we said about what we had just responded to and was terrified they would see again. It was that terror that probably saved us. They didn't believe the real one would be scared, one of them was particularly certain of that because he had seen it. We had know idea what he was talking about or if it was us but how did he not get I would be different in different situations but we knew many sides were making and altering all kinds of footage and docs. Another one, the worst of the three of them that were interrogating us said he thought we never stopped listening, never stopped thinking, never stopped watching and never stopped lying because he saw it in us, little things.

We said we weren't listening to them we were listening to us'es and remembering. They wanted to know more and we acted hesitant and shook and stuff before bring forth our drama freaks and they bought it. It wasn't bullshit. It was just that they couldn't imagine it both things could be true. When they thought it wasn't us some of them would be lot less horrible. One in particular was suspiciously nice but he blew it by giving himself away by saying something we had only heard being pushed by the Brit networks and was so relieved when knew he was working for them both that's how he knew it was us, he told us straight out in later years. We started being nicer to some of less worst others convincing them of particular parts and working on what to say when he presented his "proof". Think it finished him when he tried when he didn't have much because he was convinced them were going to out him anyway.

We were left standing staring at whatever he had brought in. Stone slab with human made marks, forgetting again that we had to not be us and one of them saw it and we saw it dawning in his eyes. Briefly. Before we realised we might get away with them not existing now that the Brit was gone.

Back in Blighty when we said they all lost it and killed each other they were not buying it but we were not putting any effort into convincing them of anything than the unlikeness of us giving them any reliable information about anything. They were confident they would get the information from their "other sources" we didn't know if they meant they would access our parts at another time or had other people. Either way we knew the only ones who knew, the only ones who could speak it would not be the ones to be telling them.

When we were in hands of the central shit though we were right. It did have to be us, this system, supported by all the others yes but it had to be this wet ware. Whatever had briefed us had been right. Someone had to be prepared for this to stop it and no fucking way would you be giving it to any more than one person because that would only add to all the serious inhumanity. It worked. We convinced them they had the wrong one and we came out of knowing the centre, just had been predicted by some with no idea what they were dealing with. Just everything else ever to deal with. As Dad says though there is no point in trying to fix anything else if you can't get any where with the centre. Then he would remind us that yes unfortunately we were his favourite because of all this and because we needed it.

Ok. Back to bro. He was with the three of us. At the very beginning. There was others we think. They are not the other two. We have a strong sense of more than one person telling us to spell out to "bro" what that early beginning and breeding means. Horrifically stretched women. Multiple multiple pregnancies is as about as much as we can stomach at the moment. Their are posts where we go into or at least allude to more details.Wraps, tanks, clips, egg shaped stones of different sizes. And all that was before modern Western science and tech.

Told the lad we would have a writing day if that was okay with him. He says he was fine. We assist with Breath of Wild at some point. Duvet and tunes is good this now though.

King

It's raining! Not a lot but enough to make coming back to bed and opening this up seem like the only logical thing to do. Had a peek out the back door. Same patten as last year and the one before probably. Spring holiday flattenedness that gets a bit better just before the schools go back and we are getting the rubbish and the weeds out the back garden while the dishes in the kitchen are piled dangerously and we are down to using bottle openers to get the tea bag out our tea. We washed some cups and stuff the boy needs most yesterday and there is a single steak left from when Niall was here for him later that will go down very well.

Thought we would sleep better considering we did some physical activity, over smoked though of course and had to get up to eat the last of giant whole nut the shop was selling for £1:50, in the dark. It was fucking glorious. That combination of nutty savoury crunchiness and decent smooth chocolate.. The frazzles a bit late were a bit much for some of us but someone was demanding them and we know whoever was asking as gone with a lot of their needs unheard and unmet so we thought we should do whatever we can when we can..

Where are you at? We hear some of you hollering. Well.. Bro thoughts and Dad thoughts and being raped by non white high profile American males in Dundee with the help of the local rapey fas. Rings in systems where things often seem exactly as they are. Which of course as well can all now was and is supported by white male Russian supremacy and Dumpists. We want/don't want to say "Jessie and Dre" but there was definitely others. As usual once the main objectives are achieved agents turn up and stop it pretending that they were trying to stop it or would of stopped it if they had known when they were making sure real people didn't know and being a major part in the apparatus of it all.

There are memories of sharing the history and the nature of the over lap between the British and Russian right in full grotesque detail and feeling convinced when whoever we were telling saying we came to right place with it all. When it came to sharing it with English speakers we were so fucking exhausted. When they asked who else we had shared it with and we said automatically "Just you" to see a reaction we were too tired and bored to care about and they believed of course because of the way we said and because they know fuck all about fuck all. Then we would just shake our head at them and loose all motivation to go through the next lines. It was much more fun with Europeans and Canadians. There was a universal eyebrow raising and words or noises that could be translated into Scots as "Did ye aye?".. Then we would all have a laugh and I would give them a run down of where we had been and where we are going and what if any consequences it would have.

They were generally impressed. Some places all lot more sombre than others. There was an atmosphere of people who have know they have fucked up catastrophically and are not in positions to avoid or ignore the consequences. Better than being in places where they are pretending it is all normal, ignorable, fiction or maintainable.

Yep. Anything about black mostly male rich US popular culture blokes, Russians and RA still has the power to have us quaking.

More tea but with sugar this time.

It's not a scene where we ever did not know who our Dad was. That was their initial hook.



April 15, 2017

Good Friday

We got away with the money situation because of money going in early because of the holiday. Delivery food, wine, weed. All much appreciated. The lad as requested reading time be reinstated and we agreed as long as we get to choose at least half of the time, that way we can get him to read stuff we want him to read. The earlier end of screen and bed time makes it easier to agree to and probably is a factor in him asking to as well. Go him into Worst Witch last night. Think he said at teeth brushing time that he has just finished the third. They're not that long..

Did some gardening today. There is purple violas that have survived from last year in one of the hangers. The painted ceramic one so thats pretty cool. It's been quite an inspiration. 

Got him to do some watering yesterday that always goes down well. Chucked some miracle grow about to. There is a two other types of survivors from last year (very hardy annuals?) The lots of little white flowers stuff which is starting to bloom and stumpy lupiny type things. That are in a few different colours we believe but are just greenery and buds at the moment. Nothing much from the edge of the fence survived. It's too popular with cats and isn't deep enough or big enough. There is one little purple something that is either from the wild flower packs but could be something else. The pot of pinks at the back door must also be an well hardy annual. They are going mental with cool greyish greenery and buds. That makes them easy to water.

He moaned of course but we enlisted him dead leaf gathering and weed pulling yesterday. Today i picked out the moss between the slabs and pulled even more. The cabbagey stuff is pretty satisfying to pull up but the doc.. is doc. Got a few of the twisted carroty fuckers though all with cover our hands in doc juice with the gloves still in the cupboard. Yeah we ordered night scented stock seeds, two different kinds, pinks and blues. We have managed it before and we love it. And some plug plants for the baskets that still have ivy in them and lots of lots of weed. The pots of course will need to be de cat shitted before anything new goes in them.. New baby plants will make that easier..

xxx

April 13, 2017

charity

Lady from young carers charity was round. She read out the statement made by the social worker. Most of it was true enough, it did include things the police cornered us into saying when they forced their way into the house and of course describes me as being delusional about the trafficking. It was kinda surreal at times the way she talked about horrible pasts and cupboards you can't see the back off and throwing stuff in it in a box then throwing that box in the cupboard and then putting new things in front of the cupboard.. or something. She asked of course about family and where Pabs comes from and when it started. We didn't bother asking her to call us Rosie or Rosa. It probably would of helped us if we had though.

She seemed to understand when we talked about dissociation though but I always get the feeling that when we are asked when it started and we say probably when we were tiny and pre verbal they think that makes what we are saying less likely. It could just be our paranoia though.

It was hard of course hearing how much we fail at being a parent read out to us. Impossible not feel like we are letting him down and that we are useless. She might not be able to help him anyway because the group she runs includes kids that are there because of autism in the family and they are there to get  break from it. Its utterly impossible for us to be enthusiastic about anything offered to us of course because of where we are and who we are. We would let him go if they offered but being reasonably confident that he would be safe is not going to stop us from worrying and remembering horrible stuff that happened to us at his age the whole time he was gone.

Of course the referral from the social worker mentions how we have stated they was and is police collusion so of course that could never happen and police denial are received as proof somehow that there was no police collusion.. Never not going to be disgusted by that.

We kind of messed up when spent that money.. we thought this week was another good but of course it isn't and the Sky bill came off so we cashless. Not that bothered about being weedless, not that we would turn it down if they guy who is owe us money and said it would pay it back in green turns up. Not that he would. He wanted us to buy from him and he would add a little extra on each time. We are not up for that but there is fuck all we had do about it. Glad we are eventually in a place where are confident we wont be buying from him or his bro again. Or so we are saying today anyway when we have no money and not really craving it much anyway..

Got the lad to help us tidy up the garden a little once she was gone. Not for long out back starts hurting straight away and its not a particularly inspiring space, he cleaned his room to and we have told him he will be coming to the shops with us (if I am right about there being a tenner in our purse) no matter how much he moans about it.

Miss you Daddy. xxx

April 11, 2017

"You said I wasn't to contact you."

Kitchen is getting pretty bad. Went into town today though, not for long but it got the lad out the house. We are not any less triggered or heartbroken by the area we are in. If anything it's worse.

Bro has been on our mind a bit today. The whole thing were he like everyone else was talking to people who weren't us and who stuck very tight to the script and didn't believe any of us on the rare times any of us got any where near him. The best we could get was for him to believe none of it. Its a bloody effective way to permanently destroy relationships that is to force you to listen to abusers and their projects convince someone you love that they are you and slowly convince them you are everything you are not over decades.  Think they had him phone us in hospital so they could listen and see what they could find out and the usual messing with our head and emotions.

We had to go see him back when the three of us were together and conscious in Dundee can't remember why. To help him with something they had planned for him and/or beg for help but we ended up just getting angry. We got him to look around where he was living then phoned the girls and got them to show the flat and give a few details about their life then we asked after everything he had seen and heard who did it look like was doing the most favours for rich evil people, who was the useful idiot?

The one with the successful career, the one with the nice home full of nice things and nice food, the middle class one that has a vested interest in not rocking this boat that's who.

Saw it in my sisters eyes to, they use him and people like him to launder the money from our slavery, they use people like him to make out like everything is ok to launder the culture to and just like it is supposed to it kills us.

No none of said before you shouldn't contact us. We said it would be really difficult because of the abusers and surveillance but we needed you besides if you don't contact us you won't know us and you start believing any old satanic crap your told about us. No we did not tell you to not contact us but I am saying it now. Your only calling because you have been told to and we told those people were not trying to help us and you still don't believe me or care enough to do anything about it. It's horrific for us to talk to you knowing who told you to do it and who is listening in so we won't be talking to you again. I know we have said this before but we mean it this time..

Or something like that. It was so horrible but people we care about being used as weapons against us is such  a standard technique and so effective we have to do everything we can to protect ourself from it and that means telling people we don't want to see or here from them ever which is also pretty satisfying for the traffickers. They don't need to control a relationship that has ended.

April 10, 2017

smoke eat drink

Ach we're fine. Just can't stop consuming. Chocolate and weed. Nipped out for baccy this evening we should of got it when we went to shop earlier but when we went back in the evening we went buy ourself and the air was nice, we got wine to. They have two French reds with a pound off.. Couldn't walk past that. That area was bare last weekend what with bloody Mother's Day. Got cheesy Doritos to. Got old El Paso salsa salad and wraps ealier on to go with the chicken that we did indeed stick in the oven for slightly longer than necessary. We should of cooked the pastry and made gravy to but we couldn't, could of eaten it if someone else had though. We did eat most of the wrap.. He had the instant mash the co-op does that is pretty fine and corn on the cob with his.

Been spending on Amazon too.. with plans to spend more soon.. We have ordered tops for us and that as you know is really fucking difficult, we will see what arrives and if it fits, is a material that doesn't make our skin crawl, a colour that doesn't make us cry or kill people, a shape that won't make us think we are either of you.. Ordered another sleep tshirt to. It would be difficult but probably a good idea to start letting the ones we have go.. And trainers for us, the lightweight kind like the ones we borrowed in the hospital. There is yo ky stuff coming for Pabs. The money was there so we ordered a game of life yo ki whateveritsfuckingcalled version, he asked that we start reading to each other again.. We wish that was easy for us to give him but we do struggle a lot with the way he talks to us and there is always so much going on in here it is not easy. We know sometimes we literally have to force ourself to hang out with him and end up having a really good time though to.

Gawd we hate seeing cunts with their bairns safely seated in the back going and coming back from places. It's worse now that driving around here sounds tricky but not impossible. It's fucking April people. What are you waiting for? They are already shutting down borders. You know what happens next.

This was supposed to be a positive post.. Gonna get new pony shes fabulous.. just put new pics on twitter.. couldn't handle the big hair any more..

..don't leave us on our own..








clockwork

How can we be almost out of weed we got a half ounce on Wednesday. Yeah it was a bit wet but still and maybe he ripped us off a wee bit but still..

We had someone witness a call. A call from a sister who was far far away. And in the hospital there was times when we knew exactly what was going on and what we were doing. Did we drug the other one and stick her in a metal box? Some prick asked "What's that?" as we wheeled her out to the transport. Can't remember what we said but he didn't question it and didn't check. Kept it very brief with the delivery people. They were supposed to be scum but weren't and we were all worried about doing something that exposed that.

Then they were off. We went back in not worried about losing the struggle against programming and triggering and remembering the truth because we had done what we needed to do. All their messing with us would make us more anxious and confused which would keep all the abusers smug and satisfied and make us much more likely to believe whatever we were told and whatever seemed to be going on.

What good is possible though?

Possible isn't going to make sure he brushes his teeth tonight, possible isn't going to clean the kitchen, or get us to go outside or make us safe.

Love u.






April 09, 2017

Nutcase

We hoovered the downstairs hall and threw some bleach over both toilets. I'm not cooking that chicken or cleaning the kitchen but we took out the frozen bog we managed to eat the other day and will maybe chuck the chicken in the oven later. It's not going to become any more appetising by leaving it in the fridge.

Think it's a become a bit of a tradition of ours that we plan a roast chicken tea for Easter Sunday that doesn't happen coz we like two years old being looked after by a six year old..

The question on our mind is how long would be prepared to be here like this if it meant saving one or both of our sisters lives. We only have answer to that, "not forever." and that leaves quite a lot of time.

Where are we? April. Trump is doing exactly what we told people he would do and we believe that is triggering something but we can't remember what or if is going to make any real difference to us. Don't know if Brexit, May and right wing Europe stuff all happening was discussed much with anyone who would or could do anything. There is the half memory of me being able to get help to get sisters out so we could leave them in Dundee with Pablo so we could go to Europe to deal with European stuff and not in a normal makes no bloody difference to us way.

Whatever actually went down we would of had to keep far away from the Brits, the Russians and fascist Yanks regardless so we made sure the parts keep what they knew to themselves when we got back, which means we can't remember it now. It's not a pleasant mental and emotional place knowing you are doing that yourself it's impossible to escape the anxiety it creates but we do remember a time not long after we got back. We were all having to hang out in the living room because of all they tech in the bedroom no one including us wanted to touch because they would no and coz it was so yucky. They were both asleep and we opened our eyes to watch them which is always good after such long times of them never being there when we opened our eyes. We hoped it would help us think clearer and figure out our priorities but this calmness came over us and we knew it was related to whatever had gone down in Europe that we had to shove behind a massive wall as well as them. It was more than enough for us to stop worrying that there going to loose them and desperately wondering what else we could do for them and for ourself.

It was the loveliest and strangest feeling of everything going to be okay that reminded us of being with our Dad. We laughed at ourself a little as we feel asleep. Imagine feeling like everything is going to be ok? What a nutcase.

April 08, 2017

let it go..

We cleaned round our bed and put new bedding on yesterday. Left some pens and our favourite colouring books next to the bed and when we doodled a little. Not sure how long it's been since we looked at our pens. Before Christmas I think. We didn't colour in. Just wrote stuff down mostly. We were thinking about how we would try and get messages to Julia. We heart you. When spelling even "we" and "you" was tricky because neither of us knew how. No wonder hearts, seeing them and drawing them is still such a thing for us when we used them when we were little to communicate with each other when we were apart. One of the things we did was write "I do not have a crush on my brother" and surround it with hearts and flowers. We were giggling half remembering arguments and teasing between the three of us. We were also so glad that we can giggle about it now.

The whole thing with the tosser in the hospital when everyone had gone and things were about to go back to pretend normal and looks into our eyes and asks us if there was any chance of one or either of them still being alive. We did not feel in a position to be certain of anything and were mildy flattered that he thought we did. We weren't sure if he was just trying his luck or really thought we were in any condition to give him solid information about anything even if we had it. That we remembered how different our perspectives were and how much of the sophisticated crap used against us me and my sisters had been using against chumps like him for ages and how pleasantly and very drugged we were.

Was there something over twitter? We knew he need an honest answer and we were past creating anything anyway. So we talked a bit about how being alone in Scotland made us stuck in a permanent state of unknowing about everything. Knowing of course that he had been involved making that something which just got worse and worse and more effective over the decades. He had been involved in it and seen it work more and more so he knew we were not bullshitting when we said we couldn't remember anything clearly enough to be confident of it. 

"What about the twin thing?"

Where those his actual words? Whatever he said it took us a while to figure out what he was on about. We he could see buy the awkward turning away of his shoulders that he was not comfortable asking and by the way he looked at us after he said it that he was signalling he wanted a serious plain and speedy answer. Ah that twin stuff.

"They are cold. Freezing cold."

He left satisfied but we were more confused than ever and we wished for a bit that Julia's body was still there so we could check then realised if we had pulled something we would not of blown it by doing something like that. Freezing cold doesn't mean permanently dead. Not necessarily. 

All that stuff about it being an obvious choice to put sisters' life over mental health. We imagined that was what was happening last night and she has been slowly warmed up and brought round. Enjoying the peace and quiet now before she has to wake up her oh so chatty sister. Slowly waking up her brain.


April 07, 2017

adultless

We were together with no one to tell us what to do or look after us either. It had become essential that we did that. For our own survival and that of anyone who truly cared for us and it was ok and good sometimes but really hard to because we were all so little and had to find ways to get food and shelter. They started getting closer and closer though it became harder and harder to keep the three of us safe and they got her. We were in a shed type thing she had found and tried to make homely. We had laughed together there. It was maybe how they found us. She was just so happy the three of us we together it seemed completely natural to her that we would be alone and adultless. They got her. He surprised us and grabbed her and pulled her away from me and Louise one day.  We didn't understand why she didn't or couldn't fight with everything she had and then we saw her limp in his arms and knew she couldn't. We thought maybe we could get her back then but Louise had her arms round my waist and wasn't letting go and he ran away with her. We were both screaming.

It wasn't any fun without Julia so we both put everything into surviving and practising at making us indistinguishable from each other and surviving wherever we ended up together, taking it in turns to be her when we could because it was only thing that made us feel better.
..





particularly tasty spag bol actually

We lost it and shouted at her. "Your gonna die over THIS." She just cried and we got it together a bit and cried to and said we were sorry. We said we knew it wasn't over this as much as it was what she had encountered when she had done the work for this. It's an area that hazy to us now not because of it's complexity as much as it's ongoingness. The paper, the issue was today, we believe about the security for leaving the house and going to something outdoors with adults and children. Here. So she would of encountered the hate and the dangers that are organised or threatened for me and the lad and how hard it is to do anything about it. We knew it was the combination of where she would be if she was still alive and the life me and junior has that was too much. She often said no though. That it wasn't that it was just what was happening to me. She could survive anything they did to her for no matter how long if I was ok. They got one of her littles on it when she was little.

Stop fighting us and we will leave your loved one alone. The oldest profession. She would of known that is always crap but an injured, sleep deprived, starved, in shock, dissociated little little. No one can keep it up and we never manage to get near that little enough to help her there was never enough time and all the traps they set up to stop us were too awful for us both to deal with for any length of time in one sitting.

It's always easier to bare something that happens to yourself and not someone else. Someone who is you and represents you and everything your not and you love and have always loved.

She said she had to get me out of here and she couldn't do it while she was alive. She beat us down with endless truths again and again.

"But how I am supposed to survive without you?"

"I will make sure you will. We will make sure you will.."
..

Why only one of us? Was the only thing we could ever say to that lot. There was never much contact anyway and not just because that was the only we wanted from them and it was the only thing they could not give us an explanation for that could ever be enough. We tried looking at it from all angles but would always only feel more and more convinced it was Satanic as fuck. To give and tell a person who is one of three everything and give the two nothing. So they grew up knowing who would definitely die young and who might not. They grew up being told over it was their duty, the reason for their existence was to die so we could live. It was the programming they were getting while we were being told they didn't exist. Offering us  us more of what we didn't any just convinced us even more that everything those people had was either stolen or made up and they were planning nothing good.

There had been a lot of years of trying to find out if there was anything about them and whatever they had that wasn't satanic and we knew we had found very little but if this lot had not been there since the beginning they had close so getting rid of them would not be easy. Actually is was the opportunity rather than ability or anything else that had been the biggest issue because the first time we tried for real it happened. They were gone for ever and we were hit with so much so extreme flashbacks we were completely knocked out. I have no idea how long we were dangling there out of it for as so many parts released their worst all at the same time.

We had figured there was something/someone else because what we were was not properly explained by everything we already knew and because anyone and anything that decided my sisters had to die for the greater good was something or someone that could of made us. Nothing made any sense at all when we even considered any of it as a possibility and there was no hope of getting out when we did.

Well whatever it is, they will find me. There are going no notice the absence of that big thing between us and would be on there way if they could. It made sense to rest whenever possible and we had no option but rest anyway. We would remember if and when they got here and if they didn't we would be ok. We would pilot ourselves somewhere else and think of something else. Right now - Rest.

Don't think we got to rest long though. We do remember opening our eyes briefly and taking in that stillness and silence that is so pure it breathes and breathing with it. Not long after that they were there. And there wasn't any silence or stillness it's was very tricky making up something and caring enough to make something up about what we had been screaming about. ("Flashbacks! Yeah.. Sir it was cause of the flashbacks. Probably. Can't remember.").

Yeah this is more like it. This made sense we remembered now. We knew that. You don't have to work your brain into contortions to try and understand it. It was just obvious. Lots of very bad and very good news to share. But they knew us. Us at the top of our game. So they knew everything we needed to hear. We didn't like when they did that thing that made us think they weren't there or had just disappeared to remind us how easily it can be done and because their sense of humour is bit messed up. We couldn't hide how much it scared and triggered us which then devastated them and that was devastating to hear and see. We remembered being younger and tougher and doubting if they good being any use they were far too soft, then we got flashes of the time all that was obliterated and those parts of us learned that being bad and causing suffering was not necessary at all and there was something that could be done. We remembered the extremes of heartbreak and relief in their crying.
..

We can't go out there can't let him go any distance without us. It's so shit. To an organised activity. Hope he takes it ok. We are not gonna bail on the spag bol though we are not that bad. 

Don't think you understand how hierarchies work mate..

There is another My Little Pony plushy on the way. So there will be three. A Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy on the way. We knew we wanted the next one to be yellow and presumed that would mean Apple Jack until we saw Fluttershy and decided on her instantly.

As is often the way during school holidays even day we hope the next we will be able to take him out to the park or into town or something but when we wake it seems so unlikely we either feel to awful or we feel not to bad until we think about cheerfully heading out there. How do we stay focused on the lad and not get narky, irritable with him out there?

How do we get passed what's triggered out there. All three of us never together or never together in a state where we knew we were together. That would be so horrible. Waking up just enough to see a sister and know that sister was just as lost without you but not be able to move or make a sound to wake her and let her see you were there and still needed her to.  There is a sense of LJ out there not just in those states, being a kid sometimes able to play along the paths in the woods but we are not LJ. Maybe we were supposed to be accepting LJ's past and internalising it more being here but it's had to opposite effect it always has. Sure it translated into nothing but massive anxiety but that made programming less effective. What ever "memories" we were supposed to be happening were barely noticeable over the extreme emotional and mental discomfort.

It's maybe to do with the stuff we were writing about yesterday, the lack of communication and different motives across the networks. We were not to be abused as "us". We were only to be abused in ways that happened or could of happened to LJ until we lost all sense of being anything else. We were not supposed to know this was being done we were not to remember each other unless the Russians wanted it and they would be in total charge of it.  In a fucked up thankfully sort of way the Scottish, the British, the American had different ideas. They all wanted to know for certain how many of us there was for one, how can you exploit something to the maximum if you don't even know how many of them there are to exploit?

"Did the Russian's really not know about Scottish Satanists?" We found ourself asking over and over. The Russians didn't think they needed to, this is Britain the Scottish Satanists were or should of been controlled by the English Establishment who likewise found it difficult to believe that anyone didn't do exactly as they were told. Convincing Russian Satanists that their was a powerful rings in Britain that were ancient and anti Satanic and were secretly helping us still makes us pretty proud. The evil things they appeared to do was just damage limitation they were doing what they had to keep us alive..That was the reason they could not get access to tapes of what went on with the police sometimes they were helping us and it was essential to Russian objectives that they no longer got this access..

lol..

At most levels, most people found it difficult to believe or even see sometimes that it was possible for someone to not do what they were told. They saw DID systems as machines that they built and once they were built pressing a certain button would always have the same result. They knew about some of the maintenance that went on but they saw it as just that, maintenance required by a functioning machine with moving parts. They could not believe the parts of the machine or the machine at all had any agency, will of it's own of self healing abilities.

We also found out by accident because of parts that we can't stop from answering questions truthfully that the more we told them about healing and fixing ourself the less they believed it. I don't know how many times we implied or gave them the impression that a certain gang or ring or individual was helping us when the opposite was the case because they would go out and stop them which sometimes meant killing them. If they had started working together we would all be dead or still alive and in the worst of it, full time drugged up sex slavery with a bit less drugs for the occasional blasts of something more cerebral or creative.

We could actually see it, the parts of them that could see and had seen that we were telling the truth but that part had been severed from the rest of them a long time ago, it was just there seeing, long since given up on being able to communicate or act on anything they saw. Someone of them even had moments when the saw that the people they needed to tell this to were exactly the people who maintained those internal chasms. If the Brits that handled them saw them even try to tell them what they knew it would look they were centring themselves that they were having an opinion about something and articulating it, like they were thinking for themselves and that wasn't allowed and not needed because the likes of me and my sisters had no hope what with what they and the Russians were doing to us.


They thought they were so big and clever fooling the Russians. The three of us would huddle, quake and keep our eyes dissociated to help them keep thinking that them fooling the Russians was something we couldn't bare the reality of because it meant the three of us would always been enslaved for as long as they wanted.

Scumbags and their intentionally unexamined exceptionalism required to maintain their relative social privilege will always be easy for anyone to manipulate.

Would give all three of us all laugh when Scots would say they would tell on us and it would all be over. That they could go up to them and tell them what was going on and the handlers would be okay with that and believe them. It wouldn't make us laugh when they tried though. It was all just sick.

We would try explaining it to them in as simple terms as we could, "right you know how you have power over us ..(then we realised the word power would be too abstract and took a deep breath) "right you know how you can do stuff to me and make people do stuff that they are not allowed to do you?"
"Aye."
"And the reason you can do that to us is because of the people who come in and help you, tell you what to do and stop us from defending ourself?"
"Aye."
"Well how it works is that those guy that come in and tell you what to do and tell us to pretend we doing what you tell us to do are allowed to do to you, what you are allowed to do to us. There is folk above them that get to do the .. same to them.."

At least once the response was perfect, maybe it was during the times when their programming had been infiltrated so gobs that usually spouted nothing but bile and shite started advocating for tolerance and respect. Not that you could ever get that with this particular scumbag gob to accidently say something that wasn't abusive the best you could get was,

"But you fight us. We dinnae fight them."

"It's a human system mate. Doesn't always work how it's supposed to."

"How do we make it work like it's supposed to?"

We told him whatever came to mind that he would believe might make us ore compliant but which we knew very much would not do that me or my sisters and was again stunned at his gullibility and lack of cognition.

Think it kind of snowballed and peoples who had been desperate for ways to help us started convincing abusers all over of things that were worth a try but would actually help. It got a lot better for a while. We would wake in the middle of the night to a sister howling with laughter and not pain it was beautiful. For a while.


April 06, 2017

3

She looked up at us and said something and smiled. The drugs were kicking in hard and it slurred her speech so it took us a moment or two to figure out what she said then realise what she was asking for.
"Go on. Said it." We were so relieved when we knew what she was asking for and that it wouldn't be a problem to supply. "You'll never be raped again. You'll be here with me forever with me." She closed her eyes and the smile deepened over her. "And Louise." She added. We nodded and tried to smile but she could feel our world collapsing in on itself and said she was sorry. We said it was fine and repeated "And Louise" for her trying desperately to let parts that wanted to crumble or that wanted to articulate a sense of this being too much, focused on anything but that sense of our world ending.

We had to leave her there for a while. Certain people needed to know and the only for them to know was to see first hand. There would be more flogging of that horse. Some of them commented on her smile. Some of them were very horrible people who make us go blind and deaf with rage whenever they walk in the room. Especially a room with dead Julia in it.

We thought the threats and promises of consequences would get to us more than they did but they just made us feel all the more right and relieved she was out of all this.

"What are the Russian's going to say about this?" The guy only knew the Russian rungs were at the top of it all because we had told him. We told him if he told the Russians we would say they did it and he believed us because he had never had any contact with any Russians of any kind. Not that he knew of anyway. There wasn't really many people or even utter scum bags demanding for the Russians to get involved at that time. We knew course that the Russians were pretty busy and that much of what the feared or thought they feared wasn't anything to do with Satanic Russians. Not directly anyway. It was us that the SRs had the power over but convincing people otherwise became some of the best and most fun work the three of us did together. We all had learned a lot about the methods they used it was easy and quite cathartic to be turning them back on them.

It was your European and American fascists that had the interest in controlling them the Russian rings and their investors just needed stuff to happen they didn't care who did it. There was stuff set up before to make certain people feel convinced she was still alive and no way put up any resistance to being run. Not in any way we couldn't manage anyway due to the fact we had been we dealing with these horror stories for decades while they just dealt with other thugs at their level and poor fucks below.

Some of it was handed to us. Gift like. Their was some major failures in communication. It was because of the English based systems hiding their own RA, trafficking, CSA etc It meant that the Russians who were to keep an eye on us here had no idea how abuse we got that they didn't organise. The English were trying to take it over using us. Aspects of the British rings of course who did not have much personal knowledge or experience of anything beyond their own areas..

Sometimes it was easy for us to be fooling everyone we needed to fool and the three of us could be together be ourselves and be safe but it usually took all lot of peoples help. Usually when we were together we had to be pretending our forcing dissociative states on ourselves so to try and make them think we were to ill to know what was going on so it didn't matter that we were together.

After she had the bay and was off the ward we began to feel a little stronger and there was a moment that saw many of us couldn't not notice that it remained vivid throughout the swirling ridiculous of the months that followed. We had been gathered. In a way that took us back to pregnancies and restraints in the ninities, a militant prepubescent before that and all the mini watchers and thinkers before. We were not standing with them, the hospital staff and a few others. We knew if we had kept looking at them all standing their waiting we would remember more about this particular ring or cell or whatever and we looked until we were confident that would happen and then looked away. Even though they had us locked on that ward and we had lost another sister the sense that so make had changed for the better. We were not little and terrified. They looked little and silly and lost.

We all waiting to be talked to basically. To be given instructions, decisions we were all were to pretend to make, personal, work and social lives all worked out for everyone to advance other peoples interests. They often make you wait but this was very different for any time in the past for us. We knew they would be short on instructions and people to give them, that the layers were full off holes and the functioned by knowing everything well in advance and stopping anything they can't control from developing. They were not expecting this and none of them would be feeling too confident about getting in a room with us.

There was a bit of "banter" one of the blokes seriously seemed to think it was the nineties by the verbal and the gloating about child abuse and slavery that he was giving us. If we had just been raped or were about to be it gets to you a lot more. It was the group that shut him up. The less completely blind ones were looking at the way were leaning there quite relaxed. Something Russian was mentioned and we told them then that their biggest problem wasn't the Russians and it was the British and American's anyway. I might be able to get myself out from under the BBC but where they ever going to get off Scotlands back? Has there been any real changes in the nature of the organised crime networks in this country as far as they were concerned? So we did all that for nothing. Yup fuck you.  Think we might of mentioned Trump at this point just to see what their thoughts were about his upcoming presidency but they were all too busy focused on their "show no emotion" training or attempted to groom us with badly acted shock and horror. That bugged us a little.

Indeed he was quite stressed and pale and sweaty and smelly when he blustered in. CID we presumed he might of said we didn't hear. Think we did laugh a little at the state of him. Did he try to get friendly? Something like "Aye you laugh at me Quine." Which was met with something like "Fuck off". The next seconds were delicious we felt the little group all tighten up ready for what their flesh and delusional brains was telling them was about to happen next and it didn't happen. All those bodily fluids generated for nothing. He averted his eyes and shook a bit. Did his best to not mumble the "as you as were" instructions to the people and pretty much ran out of there.

Some of them tried to act like they were glad for us, that we were not literally under him and all them at that moment but we were not buying it. For me to not be punished for that goes against everything they need to be true to justify and explain everything that they are. It couldn't of been pleasant. Good for us though.

If we ever could of convinced the Brits to turn on their Russian masters things would of gone very differently. But it was a brick wall. It didn't happen, none of it and if it did it was because they were taking money and favours for sexual abuse in a system that was protected by the Russian mobs so they weren't going to turn.

We hated that it was impossible to do all the normals things you do when someone dies. But we think that because we knew it was going to happen and they forced us to accept it to deal with it we made sure they had somewhere to be together and hold hands. Couldn't of placed her there together with her twin without the help of our bro. Thank you.