June 21, 2017

Wednesday morning

If it was sunny it might of pulled us out quite early today. We have small perennials to evict from the only planter that would fit the willow obelisk which arrived yesterday and is fucking stunning. The clematis does need out its little pot, it was the strongest of the three when they arrived but as its the pink one and the other two are white and purple and the pots they were yellow and purple of course we the pink had to wait for the willow round pyramid.. We had spending issues last week.. We are quite good at filling our basket and then cutting it right back but there is 3 metal silhouettes of fairies on sticks and ... da da daa da da dah! a fucking washing line pole that we have needed pretty much since we have got here. There was a half broken one for a while but that was stood on like two years ago.. We have literally having to limbo and dance around clean washing whilst covered in mud and cat poop. Not clever..

Looks like the obelisk is gonna perfectly fit that planter. It's quite exciting. Hope the pernnials that are in there survive the move, can't remember what they are called but the variety is "rainbow" and they are pre flowering if not particularly happy cause we didn't replace enough of the soil after jess taking it over the year before last. Last night when we were knocking back the mattiess we couldn't it would take five stepping stones to get through the chuckies to the bench. We used the other two on the other side for washing putting up and looking lovely. We will have to tweet photos of them so we can easily put them up here. We love ferns and one of them has ferns on it.. Haven't ordered any garden stuff. We put a big asda shop in and a good bit of weed, its the middle good week.. and new bedding for junior. Including a new duvet, another one of those we want to replace that but there is parts that are scared and told not to things but know they feel better so we can..

I don't know how many times and to how many people, repeatedly or otherwise we have said we will never blog or talk about our twins. To finally do so without heavily relying on amnesia levels and we are beginning to feel the relief. Although we don't expect to start dreaming much better any time soon or not feel exhausted or terrified of the UK and vast swaves of the planet. There is palpable hope though is we avoid the TV and social media. That fucking tower, the fucking right wing and useless rest. Its beyond tedious now.

Palpable hope though.

June 20, 2017


We're all right, it's Tuesday and we have eventually clicked that we can put the shopping order in on Monday because the money goes out the same day as the shopping goes out and we've been hanging out with a lass that can hook us up with weed from various sources, it was sunnier the forecast predicted in our gorgeous little backy but we do need to ease up on the smoking and the drinking when the sunshine cause we ended up losing our pizza big style.

They weren't identical. They were a boy and girl. We hide that even more from ourself to avoided the knowledge and the experience of the girls having even less chance than the males, especially the non white ones. They killed the boy first like they just wanted to get it out the way so they could start on the girl. Someone stepped in and ended it quicker than some of them wanted but we don't know how much to trust the images and patterns in our head. How can we? The boundary between me that knows and me that can't is so much less than it always was. It's battered, opaque and even just not there in some places and we arn't scared or phobic of it any more but there isn't any joy or relief in watching it disintegrate we are to worn out from throwing everything we can at it.

We haven't told us what we named them. How can we give them those weapons? But they wanted them I think even in Dundee they were still trying to torture and terrorise that out of us and were just pushing it all further down.

We ate food after loosing all our pizza and then having to swirl it down the sink while sitting on the toilet feeling very very ill. Strawberries, raspberries, chocolate moose, cream, crisps, noodles .. so we are okay.

We miss them always and were told to, through out our teens if we ever got lost in our parts and almost felt good there was always some bastard close enough to bring it up. Sick cunts. In our twenties we had gotten a bit better at getting through people bringing it up. Some of them wanted us so dissociated that it was all impossible to trigger and others of course needed it to still work because it was the only real way they had of forcing us down. So we had to not be us so it wouldn't work, which was exactly what some needed. Eventually we figured out ways to be us and survive the triggering but it took a long time. There was never any time, space or safety for recovery but we fought and put everything into breaking that wall and accepting the memory of them without it destroying us because we knew that was the only way we could stop it from happening again. It worked of course there are always going to be parties interested in putting us through it again, we must be very confident they can't reach us if we are writing this.

Looking pretty cute isn't it?

June 19, 2017

Since the twins

They weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first we couldn't get out and the first time when they raped and tortured someone we loved along with us. We had focused so hard on keeping our sisters out of it and knew they had spotted our need to see him and we knew we wouldn't be able to resist them the way things were forever. The violence was extreme and daily. We were mostly locked up and tied up in the room which was often guarded and always watched. No they weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first that we didn't agree to have smuggled out. We knew their lives would be horrific but we couldnt not try to keep them alive and that meant they were going into trafficking or be murdered in front of me. We couldn't give them what they wanted so it would continue but we were pretty sure they were taking steps to make sure that even if we wanted to give them it we wouldn't be able to. Like we have said so many times before they were rings and individuals with overlaping interests they weren't all exactly the same and there was a hell of a lot more just doing and repeating what they were told than people who really knew what they doing and what was going on.

But when they brought Pac in and got me pregnant with twins kept us both locked and chained up doing endless horrible things to us both and then getting people some parts of Pac thought might help us to do the slaughtering we truly broke. They got their genuine catatonic state followed by long term amnesia. Not like it ended their our sisters were brought in because we would do nothing and wouldn't wake up which got us physically up at some point but not mentally or emotionally. It like everything else was set up years before, we remember some night in the or a Glen with someone who looks like Beyonce being told her twins would life of privilage while mines would be slaughtered and it would happen through lots of rape to me when I was still a child. We knew lots of the things they said would not happen or would not happen like they said so we were focused on that but we remember wondering if she had any awareness of what was going on around her or if she was just repeating her lines. He was white British possibly Scottish, organised crime. It was very lonely.

We lost so much that we had done so well to keep a hold of in the year or two where they had us like that with no help getting through. It's why we hate it here. They had so much control over us for so long because of it. Any one can and has been phoned up on their mobiles and told to bring it up to trigger us and we knew we couldn't address those triggers while still so close to the conditions and circumstances where it was able to happen and happen for so long.  I don't know how long after we agreed to pretend everything was normal and that we were Louise Johnston or how many people we killed before we could do that. They made Pac and me say goodbye to each other, I think he said this wasn't goodbye and I agreed and we both wept. The trafficker said some shit that both of us were mostly immune to.

It doesn't have the same control over us know of course or we wouldn't be writing or being where we are at. Last summer and all the summer wars before it. They put him there because they wanted to destroy the sense that we could survive anything as long as he loved us and they were right he couldn't get us through it but we had 37 sisters would could and did and we never blamed him for anything they did to us both anyway. I think we were about 12, 13 it was after he was officially dead so he and we knew he wasn't missed.

We lost all hope for Scotland, for the UK for everywhere then and never really got it back, how can we? The only reason I am not still in those condtions or dead is because one of the things we are trained to do when we break is go proper Berserker and kill a lot of people over impressive distances sometimes and vomit inducing numbers. There was also a fair bit of convincing them they had gotten what they wanted when we didn't have the energy for that and got very skilled at it very quickly. Learning stuff was easy it filled our head with something mentionable something we could work with.

Now of course now hubs isn't a constant state of terror about what could happen to me and Pablo if the locals triggered us with it he can finally breathe but has shit to do before he could come here if here is where we are to fucking remain despite explaining so so much of all this to all kinds of local, national, continental and international authorities and intelligence agencies of the extreme dangers and possible consequences and that really really sucks its horrible knowing in all kinds of detail bad for the position most people in power are and being powerless to do anything. 

The twins though, they had fed us up so they looked healthy when they born. They weren't alive for long but they wanted the babies to look thriving for the slaughter so we were left alone with them quite a bit over the next days, it wasn't more a week or so. Someone said something about us trying to escape, we hadn't we knew there was no point but we knew it was pretend anyway just part of their sick dramas that they liked to get lots and lots of people involved in.

How can you care about people that let all this happen to you when it could of been stopped it could of been resisted more there was help available but people were turning it down. The soldiers that we wrote about months back let them in. It's not the abuse stopped after the murders. They sent in endless gloaters and more torture. 

They were beautiful and so easy to love and so many people are riding high or living normal lives telling themselves they were justified in their involvment in it all and that they had no choice whilst also knowing that that is crap we were never any threat to them or their pissy life styles. 

I don't want to end this on them though. It happened and we are not so completely broken by it any more that we never wake up properly. We are not petrified of people just incase they remind us about it either intentionally or otherwise but we haven't got very far with all they hate though.

Good luck hubs, hope it all goes like clockwork.


June 14, 2017

..a lot of chuckies..

Quite exciting.  After the lad came home and Skyrim wasn't an option we worked in the garden.  Racked tonnes of chuckies, ripped out the rotten wood, put the ferns in a temporay planter, dug some then put in new much nicer much stronger wood edging, then raked tonnes more chuckies. It has always bugged me the rotten plants that had been put in to create the levels. One of them was long gone when it crumbled when some one stood on it. The depth of the accumulated sliding chuckies was pretty ugly. Now there is a proper level right across, we worked really hard. They are not perfectly straight or anything but they are deep enough in and are sturdy.  It was 40 quidish and free delivery for them, they are exactly what we needed we couldn't click away from that.. Supposed to rain tomorrow morning but we will see about the evening. We need to be hoover up all the mud we have trapesed down stairs anyway and do something about the kitchen floor..

CPN came round today. We had lost the appointment card but knew it was something past 11 of the something teenth. Glad we got it out of the way today.. She didn't mention what must of been quite a big smell of weed but we had the kitchen not to bad anyway and she was very impressed with the garden, said it showed decent mental health.  She brought up the olanzapine, not to say we should be on it or anything it was more about how well we are doing without.  We made an appointment to see her in two months and get the impression she would be happy not coming back after that. Social work arn't going to say the say same though because we are not any better at taking the alf out and are not likely to either without assistance. We just can't be arsed finding out whatever triggers this one and this face will bring. What ridiculous things she is going to say. I'm happy for dude to natter them for a while and for them to get him out but I wish they way stay away from us and wish even more of course that he had someone to do stuff with him that was not toxic AF for us.

Do you want to know what has been order and mostly dispatched?

Well. There there has been a thing of three mixed clematis for ages that we have on our lists and we decided after going through skint and weedless week and then being sorted just to do it. They of course need something to climb to so we went for a lot of free willow arched trelllis, they needed planters to of course cause that digging is back breaking and coz there is only so many roots we can put in this ground at one time, so many pretty coloured cheap plastic troughs to choose from.. Coz we are having issues with overindulgance at the mo we also order a pair of feat shaped stepping stones.. We can see us buying more stepping stones.. we remember some of us having a thing for them for them in the past to and that was lovely as well as emotional.. It would be good to have a path to the bench that was not a nightmare in bare feat but there is the the new areas we have made ourself as well though..

Think we might have to go google amazon some more..but not spend coz there isn't much left as it is and we will probs need pink wine if it stops raining..

June 11, 2017

So much for curry day..

My God when we eventually scored... Last Summer.. Man. Tonnes in loads of detail and coherent. Just amazing. Pabs had his shower and sent to bed with a bowl of ice cream, strawberrries and sweets and another owl with Pringles in it so he isn't complaining too loudly of neglect. I'm in bed with the rest of the Pringles and the glass or two of pink and a blueberry muffin.

We fucking did it. "We'll get the mini one down first then the other one." And thats what happened. We have already written about the mini one.

We had made the decision about lowering it slowly for lots of reasons. So as many people would know and get there in time to see it destroyed and know it was happening. If we dropped it and destroyed it quickly we wouldn't be able process what had just happened never mind anyone else.  There was no way around it being completly utterly overwhelming but we had to do whatever we could to manage that in anyway we could and of course if people didn't know it was gone it might as well still be there.

When we had got down to details about it, years before planning the glow sticks for when it blocked out the sun and might as well turn it into a rave and Christ keeps of us are gonna need watching for accidental overdosing..

We felt the eye agony in the dumbfucks who didn't have the sense to do what we did and cover their eyes. Some of course were not expecting it. They were evil fucks who were there to make sure we reprogrammed and rearmed it. Thinking about it know I've no idea how long the rounds and sounds of carnage and the slaughter in the near distance lasted but the peace in the eye of the storm was so wonderful we didn't want it to end. We let ourself dissociated, we let ourself be terrified knowing it would just gave way to curiosity. It had occurred, that there will be vomit. A lot of it. But we were not prepared for the sight when our eyes where open and adjusted. All lot of vomit. A lot of tears. A lot of freedom screams. A lot of shaking and a squished odd shape of tangled metal and debris in the centre, about the size of a truck. Everyone just dropping. We were down there already for a reason ffs..

Seeing fucking everyone again. All the "Okay folks. Last fucking time." Desperately trying to say hydrated then giving up and just getting wasted. There was a lot of tears. And vomit. And blood but it wasn't mine. Final mass surgergies on injured babies. Final "places people".  Handing the running of the hospital over to the patients and keeping the fascist staff tied up then escorted of site when their shift ended. Can't say I didn't avoid as much as possible from the higher security wards after all we knew our records for the patients and the staff and it was pretty fucking clear who should be locked up for being a danger to themselves or other people.. We stayed out of the hand over back to. We had to survive our own hand over. There was obviously no consent from anyone on our side for that to happen. Last time for giving our absolute physical all to the rest of the world to come back here for this shit.

Before the weed we remember the police guy who pushed his way in being brought to us as we crossed the field and didn't bother with any questions. He just had to die, regardless of the how or the what. We arn't sure though, of course its a memory involving Scottish police we can never be sure but we remember his colleagues walking in the ward and asking about him and us saying their wasn't going to be any more warnings, or briefings, sharing or any doubts of any kind when it came to themselves, behaviour like that and ourself.  They just turned and left. He wasn't alone of course that day but the women with him were women from social work and the school so we knew getting near them would be impossible because they had scripted roles over the last year and into the future. Don't know when Pablo's new social worker is going to ask to see us but the chances of her not having a face that is familiar as fuck is zero.

The ward had gone dead quiet when they walked in. We could hear crying from all directions including ourself once they left.

We are far to lefty to use the Soviet to describe something that does that to people. It was invented to curb the Soviets by rich Fascists and Supremacists from lots of places then it was taken back home to the British Isles and Ireland and then it went fully corporate for a while.

It's starting to look less cooperate know and more like what it is, hate and fear.

It's impossible to be as scared when you know the sky monsters and the lots of the people who wanted them are gone. It's also impossible to tell a complex DID system that its much safer know and expect them to believe it over night or a complex system of millions of DID systems all set up to trigger and keep each struggling of course either..

June 07, 2017

Had shower and climbed back in our lovely soft bed. We managed to phone Niall and he's put money in our account but can't get any supplies. We managed about two minutes of CNN but can't escape the seeing and knowing they are crappy people speaking crap. It was State of the Nation though and that is particularly crappy, were gonna talk politics and have a whole lotta fun like none of it really matters because it doesn't to them. Their comfy, they have distractions, they have health care and well paid careers that Trumpism is making more interesting while people are dying and losing hope and opportunities everywhere.  Seem here with Mayday and the rotten rotten Tories and their Blairite mates. At least there is more political opposition  to all the blatant class war and scapegoating but the rotten rotten press is as rotten as it ever was.

We will probs vote tomorrow its something to do, there doesn't seem to be too much programming stopping us, plenty programming stopping us from doing just about anything else though, phone still fucked still paying more for it and Sky than we need to be but feel sick at thought of dealing with it, bastards. When Niall was down he talked about how easy it was for him to have a conversation over the phone with Sky.. Wish we could do stuff like that.

June 05, 2017

You don't own them

Oh dear.

We are almost out of hash, have less than a quid in change, its a year on, its June we are alone in Scotland, there is the election, the Comey interview and this skint week.

Oh fuck.

At least we know we are able to get the kid to school and he will probably definitely wont die or be  attacked horrificly just the normal bullied by kids and not tolerated much by some adults of course.. And we will probably not become to ill to hide and be well distracted by Skyrim. Still though even with lots of support this would be a difficult week. I hate that children have to be publicly blown up and confirmed by MSM as such for this culture to give a fuck about them. Hate that people see the solution to kids being being bombed is arming the people who would protect their rapists. That is so fucking sick.

We done well the past few days though. We forced the lad to weed the front because of tude and then ended up finishing it ourself, chucking rubbish in the shed and half filling the compost wheely with weeds. Our new duvet and sheets came and were washed and dried, we tidied up our room and did a big dent in the washing pile that had built up because we were enjoying a garden without the washing too much. Made korma with the Pataks jar that comes with a seperate spice tub yesterday and it went down really well, Sunday was agreed as being curry day. The beef that was defrosted along with the single chicken breast for the korma has little chance of getting stewed today. Thankfully there is some kind of frozen ovenable potato product, tin of tune and mayo though. Or we would of had to or felt we had to deal with red meat hours ago and that would of been awful.

Can we just say because we feel it might help us a little that we really hate you. All of you. But we need that hate to stop us from releasing or remembering more specifics about the next couple of weeks anyway. We have being brought back to the bedroom in Skene. They had taken the kid of us and made sure we knew we would be getting no help from them when it came to avoiding or anything to do with further pregnancies and babies and had made us help Comey with the public interview because he's an op victim that wouldn't know what was appropriate and what wasn't to say if they someone doesn't give them very specific words and instructions. They had our keys and were working them pretty well. That means we couldn't manage our own dissociation but they could. It started and ended with the worst of the Scots and English abuser plants in the police. Big part of why we know we never have and never would agree to live here the only power they have is over vulnerable children that no one can or would help. That's their magical awesome omnipotent power that they have and have always had over me, the torture of children in their care or vulnerable. That's why we are alone and that is why we are skint.

Fuck. You. Earth.

To fucking choose to maintain, protect and reproduce that kind of hierarchy when alternatives have be presented and are real and possible is just unforgivable. We do wish you could all have your eye balls melted and then never feel any fear or greed again but we would miss the trees and birds and flowers. Of course we know there are other trees and birds and flowers we documented some of it and even put them where there are in some places but still it would be such a waste when the real problem is a handful of evil fucks. And the mass programming and cultural conditioning that they had created though we would asked the best way to deal with that. Usually the answer was something along the lines of have no idea but not literal mass area scorched everything yet and getting rid of the forces that were between ourself and the handful of evil fucks which was funnily enough often whoever was asking the questions.

Gawd. Need drugs. Lotsa them. Need to not know what day it is, of what week of what year. To not know where or who I am or how I got here.. Bliss..

June 03, 2017

Does it look like he's helping us?

Ug. Really struggling to be a mummy. It hurts so much and is so exhausting just to try and make my voice sound mumsy. We showed as many people we could about how they program kids to act around us and how they program us to be triggered by that which was not many. We felt bad about how much we needed to see our Mum and Gran see it just so we could see the fury that would rise in them. We needed to know someone would be holding on to that specific fury because it was too much for us. We needed them to know how hard and specifically our ability to parent Pablo or any of them was being hit because we was impossible or pointless to get people to understand or to help down here. Must of got it out to more peoples last year though. "You know those people that were showing you tapes to prove I was safe in Scotland? Well here is what they were actually doing. Now have seen that are you still take their word over mine? Then you will be escorted off site.."

Fed us and him though.. woo hoo.. and the honey suckle and the rose..

It's ridiculous when not so dissociated we can't here them saying they have been forced to support rapists and nuclear war enthusiasts to protect themselves from rape and nuclear war.  
"Hang on.." Someone said. "Are you saying that if there is a nuclear war you will be protected because you are loyal Masons?" There was a few sharp intakes of air and human noises from various people. The accused gave an affirmative grunt and quick nod. There was a moment of silence before an outburst of expletives and raucous laughter. 

When it had died down a bit we confirmed it and added that it was the same with the rape. That they had them in states of denial where they believed they were protected from it to. I could feel the relief then in those that were not so convinced that the loyal Masons wouldn't be protected from nukes because they knew they weren't being protected from rape either. We were wary of how we were feeling but we weren't up for walking away just yet either. We looked at him, flushed and indignant and asked him how and why they would protect him but he just started spitting out the usual offensive bull shit so we talked away there were many much much better people around to be talking to. Poor fucked up victim. 

How could he be helping us behind the scenes.. this is behind the scenes he's not here helping.. Rulers are made to order numbnuts it's DID and he's not trying to help himself he still protecting his abusers the very definition of "useless"..

Of course I fucking tried. What the fuck have you done ever to stop horrific shit from happening? Anything ever? And no looking the other way and doing what your told because you were told it would be worse if you didn't does not fucking count.

That was earlier and to a different prick than the magical anti nuke protection for Masons only conversation. But it ended the same way with the supremacist tool just defaulting to verbal abuse whenever challenged.

heard it through bass line

Good rain. We got the new duvet cover in in time and wont have to water the borders. Feeling quite messed up after last post. We probably knew we would of but it what we do with this blog is consciously and unconsciously go down a list of stuff we were repeatedly tortured and told not to ever share in any way. There is fuck all else for us to do. Without much in the way of large scale overarching denials still functioning "going somewhere" is fucking laughable for so so reasons. Other things to that in previous years we would write about wishing we could do and at least wished we wanted to do just doesn't seem like something we would want to do. There is very little written than could help us that we haven't already read and doing anything that that helps us involves enormous amounts of efforts to get past the Pavlovian fucking programming.

OMD. In the club. Bruises still yellow and pale blue. Dancing my ass off. Hugs. Weeping. Questions from others we couldn't answer so people kept them away. Outside afterwards there is shit load of people. Someone persuades us to get higher and see how big the crowd is. It's fucking massive and all ages and types. We said thanks. And sorry getting hurt so much. And that things were really really want and we didn't know if and when they would get any better. And to not vote Tory. Ever.

Nut. Bush. City. Limits.


Got past the Slits ban. Through the Grape Vine. Those hospital grounds were made for that bass line. Another one of those endless times when tonnes of evil fucker are convinced we are about to murdered by them and we end up being much much more committed to living and fighting.


Well coz.

wheels are coming off now..

Operation Cherry Tree

A couple of tiny plants arrived today and they are still in their box.. We are in a place with the garden where we can sit in it and enjoy it but can't imagine wanting to lots of work in it. It's obvs just where we are at today. Woke up late, like 12ish but wasn't in state from dreams or soaked through. Wish we could just hide in Skyrim for real forever. We a adopted a girl yesterday, then accidentally got involved in launching a large scale assault on the town where our house is. So we went back to an earlier save.. fuck that.. it would of lead to game content we haven't seen before but still.. fuck that.. we will have to earn more influence and try and find a peaceful solution I'm the bloody dragonborn I can't be getting involved in shit like that! We've to find out about the demon hunter people and the Vampire hunting group. Fuck yeah. Lol. It does mean that once again we have to do the initial joining of the Champions shit. Every fucking time we fuck up and have to go through the initial joining the Champions shit multiple times.. Walking away from a lot of the main weird quests until we figure out more and unless to hopefully to help more people.. fictional people who give you cool stuff in return and offer to fight for you but when they are killed for it you can go back to an earlier save and protect them better.

Been here before with this game. Worry about how to do best by fiction children while real ones fend for themselves. He did come through early this morning but its Saturday and after a week of having to force ourself to get up and be parenty its not gonna happen on the weekend much. We did put the washing line back up as soon as we got up and saw the time. Got us new bedding. We can ditch the last of the ones that we bought in Dundee. Alf will need to wait for his other set we have no money left. We spent it on hash because we couldn't bare the thought of having nothing there or buying an amount that meant in a day or two we would be backing to stressing about whether we should buy and all the rest of it.

That fuck for it. Skyrim and the Garden. Thank fuck that whatever went down at Nintendo wasn't going down at Bethesda. Quiet conversations and giggles during quiet times instead of more horror during the worst. Japan. Getting all imperial again. We can be manly men to you know!! Fear and be enslaved by us to! Cunts.

Hence the tattoo. When they have taken everything except our vision and the sense that your flesh is your flesh.

We see the whiskers of our dragon on our arm and its enough to trigger Chinese comrades, Chinese skills, the only thing that could match the Japanse shit and give anyone any hope against it. Any hope against it at all is to defeat its main aim. There were times when they kept putting us in positions where we couldn't see our tattoo at all but they kept looking at and that gave us enough of a sense of it to survive. Chinese systems to tend to need and demand to hear personally and clearly from us though and have zero interest in any general decreeing we do so yes China there is nothing else we need you to know, there is nothing going on that you need to worry about fucking up. We obvs can't contact direct but folks that know us can and would if needed so don't worry about the unknown unknowns. Just bloody do something..Of course we are saying the same to Tibet and everywhere else.

June 01, 2017

nah that's not Frances.. that's Katya

The mesmawotsits arrived today. They had been in a box all the long weekend so they will probs take a day or two to recover. Plenty sun on them today and watered them plenty so they probs will be fine and will see flowers from them soon. Dude's social worker seemed more impressed with the size of the garden than all the work being done. He's off soon anyway. Great. We would love to be able to tell them politely that they are not needed but he got us out the house today and we played a game of crazy golf that wouldn't of happened otherwise. We were pretty anxious about it before hand.

That was yesterday. The car journey and before hand were pretty awful and of course triggers when we got there but it was okay and a bit of a laugh at times. We are drinking more than we usually do, sitting on the bench now its been built in the evening sun. Burning through our supplies. It's not just the money, its the having to ask and hoping they can be arsed to help us out. We hate all that but usually not as much as not having. We will see what happens later on today. June the fucking first twenty fucking seventeen. And this fucking blog and the contents of our head are our only support system.  Not chuffed. Fucking terrified. Knowing that physically me and lad have systems to prevent the worst is better than just cynically knowing we were unlikely to die but were very likely to be very close to it as has been the case usually at this time in previous years.

Regular readers will know "Summer" is not just a season where we try and get as brown as possible but also refers to a part or rather a subsystem of parts as that is what "us" or "I" generally means. Folks from some scenes know her as lovely, beautiful dresses and carries herself very femininely and is easy and funny and charming to talk to. Last June when she came up in plans and conversations her very name was enough to make some of our sisters and other hardcore soldiers puke. Violence wise, Summer does all lot of our long and short term planning and execution. Jealously so. She never got addicted to truth drugs and she can get by without a smoke better than most of the rest of us because she knows in great detail that we are making a difference and how. That is also how she can be so lovely, it costs her nothing, its fun and it helps her get where she wants to be and get out again after. She's a fabulous actress and her favourite role to play is young female pretty happy summertime girl.

The system that has a face that would locally be identified as "Ms Frances Grieve" wept with relief when she she was told that would be the part of us that would be around in the pre programming and watching her back this year when she gets a shot at being boss at attempting to free my ass.  We wept in relief when we spoke to her properly for the first time in fucking years from that fucking flat in Fintry. She told us how useful and how much everyone where she was loved this blog when we were close to giving up on completely because it was going to get us killed. All that bad things and repercussions that we knew would happen were all happening on a massive scale while none of the possible good for us was happening. Things were so soo awful. Talking to her helped us get our head and heart around it all and figure out survival priorities and keep ourself and the alf alive until now.

Nightmare are pretty much every night, rapey dreams involving the prick who we can't buy from any more because he owes us money. And cause none of them are safe.

When Summer has got other plans than being present her with us its so fucking scary knowing she is watching out for us helps a bit I suppose but not much because we know that wouldn't be happening unless the dangers were particularly extreme. Also probably because we left with the traumas that made her and the traumas she took for the rest of us without her presence and that is fucking grim. It's short term though. Of course and she gets results.

May 30, 2017

Pre Summer Wars

Level of chuffedness with garden = off the charts and its not even June! We got tonnes of plans for screening and painting and the mesmawotsits will arrive today or tomorrow. More of the violas are starting to bloom and their colours are amazing can't imagine how amazing how it is going to look when they are bigger and more stuff is flowering. Not that we would choose to not start again if that was a possibility. It's better than when we arrived and we are happy with that.

We missed a couple of pill days and were taking half the antidepressant because of what can do to our stomach and forget it a few days to, probs also a factor all long with everything else we mentioned about how tough yesterday was. For all our garden gushing we could not overstate our June related terrors but we knew we had to make a place where we are comfortable enough to last the month and those that follow and we have done that.

It got a bit brighter so we couldn't not nail up the cheapo screening its much brighter than the stained fence and hides more of next door.. Bit of rearranging pots after that. Order more various stuff. Some thats a commitment to physical work and we are glad of that. Unless it rains all the fucking time of course then we really are going to have nothing to do but cry and be scared.

It's not our sisters and our husband don't know about each other or are being manipulated into working against each other that is solid reasons for hope. Very solid.

May 29, 2017

36, 37, 38.

Yesterday was pretty great really. It was warm and not too hot so N and his mum's hedge trimmer have seriously reduced the monster hedge and given me space for hours more sunshine in the evening if there is any to be had. We got supplies but we are still really struggling with nightmares and feeling triggered. The time of year without sunshine to drag us out the house and into the garden we are a fucking mess. There is a lot about what me and pabs went through, that fucking terror when we knew how many were out to get one or both of us and knowing how impossible it was for us to reach help, when they got us both and when they had either of us. Being left that. Knowing if we didn't or couldn't get him out again no one else would or couId. Knowing that it would kill us to not get him out and if the rescue didn't kill us the hell that happened here afterwards just might.

 Don't know how many of us sisters they had in a never bad way and as is often the case if the cunts had be able to cooperate with each other just a little bit more then we would not be here. To use fucked up and mix up fairy tale anaoligies the Capitalists could never bring back the real heart to the bitter crumbling Queen because the real heart was in a golden geese that they planned to keep and keep laying for themselves. The evil sorcerers and scholars did the same but for creepier reasons and with methods the evil Kings who need and are desperate for us to be dead so we can't expose their crimes listened to their advisers who said it should not happen until we were older because of you guessed it .. greed but now we are to big and to hardened for them to easily smush. Especially as we fight to know ourself and feel no shame while they fight to never know themselves and never be known so we are always only stronger ground. Even when there is no ground at all.

Thankfully their jealousness, paranoia, resentment, projection and prejudice against each other stops the rings from communicating much truth to each other. Part of the design, so things stay more or less the same forever. How can you effectively resist when the smallest sign of possible gesture towards resistance reacts total quashing?

Well.. DID is how.. I guess..

And knowing how they turned our own systems against us and then being able to adapt the same techniques to them and apply it across the globe. Watching the smugness drain from the faces as they start to gloat about people not believing in human rights and things being to corrupt to do anything if they did care and us laughing at them for thinking we thought we could fix the world or some shit when what had happened was that they had spread us across the world and I had to extrapolate myselfs from whatever web we were in and doing what we could sure of everyone else but sacrificing our life, or any life to protect the disgusting levels of injustice and falsity? Hardly. What sort of a "higher power" would send a kid/s into that? Into this? Thats abusive hierarchy there neither profound or sacred or natural about it. That would just be rape, a very very low power.

Eventually it would turn into something along the lines of being here for the same reason every other cunt was to be paid. You could see their fucked up identical minds searching for an appropriate response but not finding any on file. Some were able to improvise and just saying something disgusting.

The triggers are also bad this now because of the external sharing that is going on. Hopefully and probably. The trumpeters are a bit busy and no doubt have zero fear of us because it doesn't take much data or insights to know that a lot that is against them if against us more. Not just but definitely mainly because of them being convinced of things about us since babyhood that any truth to has only come about after decades of them believing it. None of this system ever daydreamed about CNN doing pieces on the 37 of us and the inter gallatic fucking slave trade, other beings and really really ancient European Satanism that just never stopped..

A few of us have dreamed about doing pieces on doing stuff we are good at and enjoy and being mysterious about our difficult pasts. Of course there was grooming to make us and others think it might be a possibility and sometimes we would even play along because it was fun but we knew and know the chances of mass scale total destruction of urban areas were always much higher than one of being good at something and sharing stuff on Western MSM by consent and we always knew the people that "didn't like what was going on" but wanted to respect existing authorities over anything that wasn't would never understand what they were surrounded by. Very wilfully sometimes. The fa├žade of a middle ground that it is radically to the right has gotten particularly flimsy..

 But none of it makes still be held here like this any better today. N of course tends to make us feel worse but been unable to understand anything about us and not being to notice or tell that there us been more than one physical person here. Ever time any of tried to tell he would just deny everything and repeat the fiction with out any glimmer of a sign that he was able to remember anything at all. Presented with more than one of us in room or any of the kids we have very vivid memories of him literally covering his eyes and just saying "No" loudly. A triggered part in a system incapable or unwilling to attempt or work towards self awareness. It was so horrible for us and the kids we had to give up.

He has been used as to provide evidence for the psyches or whoever else to deny any trafficking and support the Delusional Disorder. But he cut our hedge and we got him to take junior to the park and that is really helpful when we can't do it and no one else will.

It's release. Feeling like this. But essential release because of we don't get it out the way we are dead meat and it's almost June again. We are not releasing this stuff to ourself because it is safe to and we are supported with it when are briefing ourselves internally for the sake of survival. That does not help make us less angry and physically ill with fear and know it is only emotional residue from the past few years its also a predictable response to ongoing events.

I don't when there was last a June that we didn't come out of with more parts and in very different arrangement to when May ended. Maybe there never has been one and we ending into another with nothing going on but absolute worse case scenarios. Again not because nothing can be done but because this is how things are and people are too stupid and too cold to imagine anything else.

"I thought is was 36"

"It is. Excluding me and the both sets of genitalia sister..brother"

Everyone went pale and upset as we all remembered ze.

"When are we getting ze out?" Someone said.

"Actually thats why I needed to gather you all here today. We are getting ze out today." There was a mixture of smiles, relief and others getting serious and finding their war faces.

"..Then it will just be you?" She looked a bit like she kinda wished she hadn't stated it so clearly and so loudly and so simply but we couldn't help start feeling really emotional.

"Yep. Just me. You lot will have to sort it out we won't be able to." They all looked so fucking proud and glad and grown up. I'm sure they will figure out something. We just gotta keep surviving and remembering and caring as much as we can till then.

We were to be left in a place, with very limited choices and in a state where we would have no choice but to do something that they could say was completely evil and unprovoked of course but we know in terms of our choices and states they knew very little and we were pretty determined to do nothing because we feel we have done enough.

May 26, 2017

Sorry Sir I've no idea what with my DID and all.. something momentous I think..

Perfect amount of edging we are well chuffed with the work we have done. It reached around the buddleia and down to the existing plank . We noticed a second viola has opened. It's a dark pink colour in the yellow trough balcony pot and the smaller purple balcony pot arrived to,  we put it up on the fence and notice how it brings up the beads in the flower brakets. Those pots and troughs are excellent. We also sarting getting rid of what was left over from before. So there will be no faded terracota plastic about. We will hopefully empty and either bin or chuck in the shed the rest tomorrow. We haven't painted the table yet or changed the liner that needs changing.

Drank a ...

We were about about to describe how much we drank yesterday but we stopped writing cause we felt ill. We ate and drank lots of water and juice to but booze wise over the day and evening we had one can of Guiness, one bottle of Matteus and almost all of a bottle of red. With predictable results of vomit on carpet. He was asleep by that point. He was already asleep when we pulled ourself in from admiring our work outside it was such a warm evening. It was lovely just watching wispy clouds as it got darker.

Fucking decimated the weed we had left of course. We were not happy bunnies when we saw how much was left this morning. Stupid nightmares, lost in university town we are always fucking lost in but this time we had Pabs and lost him to and could barely speak to ask for help. They are always horrible in that place in those dreams anyway that what they are about even in the dreams when we hang out with people or know a little of the way around they are never very nice and its not long before we are lost and really alone again. Don't know if we have written much about how they program your dreams to. Through parts and machines sometimes to, so you don't tell yourself who you are when your asleep and so you are stuck in the PTSD and don't access or remember any good feelings. Very much a no will ever believe you type thing to, its hard enough trying to figure our what was physically real or what they made parts imagine but we had access to too much and people shared stuff with us sometimes when they saw how much we were fighting. Some of the machines were physically real and were not just empty boxes, they did what they said they did. Once you have been through it and they tell parts to tell amnesiac parts its has happened again or they will those poor parts usually do.

There was always a lot more empty boxes doing the rounds than real ones of course. One a select few had access or training in them and its not like they were giving them detailed scientific explanations on how they worked. The power in Satanic tech is in as few people knowing how they work as possible. We of course were getting all we could from anything and anyone about how the shit worked but didn't want the rings knowing that so had to stop us from knowing it to sometimes.. For us the worst times opening those boxes was when we didn't find a bunch of wires and chips and stuff that might as well to our eyes have "made in Britain" or China or Russia or America or whatever but stuff that was ancient. We usually just lost it then and smashed it all up. It had nothing to teach us and we hadn't be left to learn that lesson alone. It's a very extreme version of the giving a fair hearing to the far right thing. You can't do that. It's designed for you to do that as a trap so that if you have an open mind about it it will take all your decisions after that away from you.

There was literal messages asking for help in them sometimes. Other times if it was new tech from somewhere we hadn't seen involved before we knew it meant they were being hit and forced to produce them and could maybe go and help them out.

The more ancient it was the more mental we got around it. We would puke just to think about it nevermind be in the same room as it and be prevented from destroying it. It was very plain to see from anyone we knew anything that some of the really ancient horrific shit had never been replicated or understood. It was extremely powerful but there was very few of it, so no one knew if they weren't too conditioned to never question and to worship it that they would be able to put them back together. Many had been lost that way, many were lost to through us and others like us saying we were giving in and do what they wanted and would tell them how to make more but we needed some time and space with it and then broke them because we are human beings and there will be no life for human beings on this planet while those things exist.

You can kinda guess the cultures that protected it the best. Europe? Russia.. anything in the US obviously wasn't made by First Nations. They had some broken parts for us though, we had lots of tears and hugs for them.Couldn't say the Arabs or Africans had nothing but we were often respectfully led to it and were utterly unshaken at what we were shown, what they had left..  By the time we got there the actual shit the actual Knights Templar had wasn't all that impressive, whatever they had had been long ago pillaged. We remember thinking though did we really expect to find the whatever was used to turn the Knights in France.. Hardly. We knew it was going to end up being tech and institutions and traditions in Britain and Russia that would be worst and the hardest to get to.

There was so many smaller versions of various ages in peoples homes, community buildings, fucking schools and hospitals we didn't think we could ever get them all and how would we ever know any way. But something elsewhere seems to believe its done. The worst of the worst though.. The fucking size of the Scandanvian shit and it couldn't just be blown up it was really modern shit that had to be painstakingly dismantled and destroyed carefully.. We were quite grumpy to people at times during all that but once it was done they were lovely to us, really lovely.

Internal sources are saying we were delivered the Russian worst of the worst last summer on the condition that we not only agreed but provided all the necessary cover for Pablo's father to see him. How relieved were we when that there was to much going for us to be able to take part in that. We warned him about Dude's mind then kinda stopped because he knew a bit a about states we are in and a bit about his own and thats was enough cause he looked sickened, nodded and turned.

We turned doing our best to shake it off so we could focus on that Russian thing. There was no need to be taking this thing apart it just needed to be render to dust and ashes and for any teeny tiny nasties to be contained/sooked up. After we called that in some Scottish I think asked what the fuck it was and we said it was the reason we were all slaves he said, "Aye? ..And what are going to do with it?" That pissed us off. It was all kinds of ridiculous extremes arranging all this and it meant no one who was close or good with us was around. Not sure if we had time to answer the cunt before bunch of started US pals were dropped in and we were all ecstatic and babbling. They had almost got a tiny jist of what was going on before the destroyer arrived and we helped load the fucking thing. It's safe to touch but we still find it horrible touching anything that has terrorised and destroyed for very long times. I could see one of them was starting to get it. He has always gotten things really fast. We babble to him in some kind of Hebrew and he can just babble back.
"The Russian and Zionists have been using the same thing. Satanic time share."

Folk coming back on site had no fucking idea what was going on, some where freaking out because of who had just been seen with Pablo. Everyone freaked out when they saw and heard what had just gone down. It's not the kind of thing any expects there brain to be able to process in the short term. All you can do is just be ecstatic so when the call came from England that theirs was gone to, everything according to plan or better and the call was ended we were on the ground unable to breathe. It took a moment to tell the freaked out people I was ok, "England's to." We had located and mapped the place out when we were little but was never able and for a long time never had the support to even consider it. We couldn't do it. We wouldn't be able to get anywhere near it.

Mensch was unmasked and held at a security point with a crowd of jeerers keeping an eye on her so we choose and forced her to be the one to tell Putin that the English tech was gone once we figured out how to call him.. The call inquiring about the return of there machine was funny to we said we would be honoured to share some very harmless dust with them. There was a half suppressed laugh then a dead line.

Yeah so you really can't be trusting them when they say they are the lesser of the evils any more. They are the greater of the evil. All that other shit is gone.

Why did we give a rapist access to a child? Because we see the abuse and drugs and the machines they use on him before they hold me down and set him on me and when we showed him and showed we had to help him with that shit before he killed us he agreed. Not that we were really giving him any options of course. We knew he was going to end up being to only one who could save Pabs. Simply put, the only thing that could protect the boy from all the murderous rings after him was the murderous rings surrounding Putin but we knew that wasn't going to happen by itself. Anyway the fact the dude is alive means when it came to it the macho prick put his life before the ALFs and they are both alive to be in no state to remember much never mind talk about it.

Damn. No weed and no money for more. :( Another beautiful day though..

May 24, 2017

Sirs you have not be put here for the reasons they told you it's the opposite

Well proud or our work today. We managed to get three rolls of the wicker edging down. We decided we would intentionally make the line down the path wiggly but its maybe a bit more unevenly wavy than we want. Don't know though, might just leave it. Put the yellow and black pansy and the purple stock in the path border as well as some poor night scented seedlings that have gone through a lot all ready what with being far to many of them, then dropping the tray they were in then putting them in a planter we couldn't properly fill.. There is considerably less now. Hope some of them make it. Bloody cats. We also literally chucked a packet of Nigella around as well (thats fancy corn flowers) the packet said to seed in place!

If there is enough money in the bank there will be baby Livingston Daisy coming soon. They are ordered..We remember the flea stuff for the cats to! Hope it comes of first.

There should be just enough edging left for the bottom buddleia. They are both looking really good and growing really well. One of them wilts every now and again but when we water it it comes back straight away. They have different greens foliage and not just down to different conditions either cause they are both looking so well. Cool though. They other one thats up near the top is slowly doing better it was the worst when it came out the box, the pot was just nothing but roots so we try and remember and give it lots of little drinks. It is growing. We didn't help it by burning it with food but it seems to be recovering from that to..

The first purple flower on the viola is great and the rest shouldn't be to far behind. We are at that really really chuffed stage with it. It's still May so the novelty of colour and smells is a long way from wearing off. We have made so much difference out there. Dude said it was like a garden from a mansion. That was cool.

Got some browning in today to. Thank fuck for good weather days so we have something else to do and a different lovely space to be in. Physical work to do that makes a pleasing difference to take out mind of May and her government who are protecting networks of child abusers and killers that are and have been offending for decades but now she is putting troops on streets to protect kids? It is the cynicalist and nastiest of bs and is triggering all sorts with us in terms of Manchester abuse rings (mostly white) and finally be able to explain British terrorism and its connections to R.A to the Europeans before leaving Dundee but in utterly extreme circumstances.  They were and are not amused. Explaining the history of British R.A in Russia to Russians that are seriously not supposed to know. Similarly, not amused people.

And of course the bairns.

Being outside the Dolly Parton concert and realising whether we could be arsed with any of this or not we looked at those armed bairns, felt the terror in the folks and knew we had to do something. When Europeans were begging us for safe British military or any other kind of safe British contacts they were all we could come up with. They were around last year. We were quite pleasantry surprised, one of our sisters who had much less immediate personal issues horrendous experiences with British authorities and had done a really good job with them. Seriously. They were amazing and it creeped us out a bit.. We trust her though and also don't trust ourself with assessing Brits when we know we are going nowhere short term.

Anyway. Goods things. Growing colour, making pretty, digging earth, drinking Guinness and smoking weed in the sun. Have a good feeling about tomorrows weather..

May 21, 2017

Speaking sweetly to a victim is not resisting slavery

Well half q is not going to last long and as the weather has been crappy and all we can expose ourself to is twitter and CNN telling us we don't and never have existed our mood is predictable low. It's lovely yesterday being a bit intoxicated which loosens some of the brain shackles, no nothing left today though already been through bin bag and ash trays for roaches.. As everyday means more issues pass from "It will be very bad if this happens partly because it will be easily avoidable" into something that has happened and can't be avoided any more and still having to being present in form for the ALF (adorable little fucker) without some chemical back up is fucking horrible.

The grooming and fake intel ops had the majority convinced that when we said "very bad" we were only ever talking about ourself and the kids trying to get through those levels of unchallenged entitlement and exceptionalism was impossible. Those who were working for the Russian Fascists and the worst of RA told them it was us and not them so the people we went to for help and spread awareness of with Russian democratic meddling and worst of the international RA started treating us in ways and using triggers as they were advised to by their rapist, child trafficking, treasonous colleges. They were not even interested and looking at anything we had to offer on anything and left us all to the rings.

Every now again something would come up and we would get a call or a visit like we were some respected and paid member of the IC but usually there was just abuse, it never ends. But all they have now is me and Pabs, the scariest off their tech, my twenty something sisters and our legions of spawn, our mum and our dad are out of their reach. Sky is out of there reach, to some of us he became our only priority and it was the thought of him losing us that kept us alive. Knowing abusers can't trigger or threaten us over him is really something. So many just couldn't understand why he was so important to us "just a bairn quine you will have plenty more" while American's were sure there must of been some strategic reason like he was seed or a weapon we wanted secured.

We told a couple of them last summer, "He's not a fucking seed. His DNA is reason you keep trying to kill him not the reason we want him safe." Think they asked why and we were not up for trying to explain the bond that happens between a amnesiac locked up very violently abused child and the child she was forced to conceive and carry and who is being abused by the same people so we just said that he's our son and we love him and he loves us. They looked confused. She said she wasn't interested in his DNA but that he's her son and she loves him??

Reality always confuses them because they were convinced they would never see or have to deal with any of it. Reality is supposed be long gone from the scene by the time they show up. Like we said to them, "What does it matter you what's going on here, you were given a script about what to say about all this before you even got here anyway?"

The long established protocal with U.S intel and myself if that they ignore everything I say and everything they see and just repeat whatever the Fascist Brits or other Fascist yanks tell them.

There is a feeling of safety in the state of play. We are not worried about agents, traffickers and their associate triggering us and grooming us into believe they can or would help us. There was no other relevant or interested parties that we could given more information or more possible avenues of action. There is no immediate danger in some contacting us and there hasn't been for months but everyone pretends their life is on rails when every second of everyday is a crossroads.

Our life of course is chained to some very serious rails and it looks like it will continue to be until we have lost enough amnesia so we can access whatever we need to access to get me ALF out of here permanently and you can all get on with pretending you didn't have a choice.

May 20, 2017

Imagine choosing Trump over us and everyone else ever

Okay mild and cozy intoxication it is then. New bag of canna compost is here but it's bloody raining anyway.  Lad's got a full tummy. Can we, should we state where we at with Pablo's paternal match? We can say that not long after Sky was born and in the exact same hell but worse because they were torturing and starving me and my baby we conceived again but someone managed to help with an earlyish medical abortion where we where. They took everything to leave as little evidence of possible of it in the locals drains and to secure the facts and ID. Some top level early ninities Satanic scene children by rape to world leaders that they keep to use against us and the said "world leaders" and people in positions to make a difference to the slavery. We believe here and now she was a Trumps. We never talked about the how and the who over the termination then or since to those we were part of making all that happen and and now but we can't not say that it was indeed Vatican related. Actually, when that poor part of that poor child said that it was when it hit home to so many that telling the truth as away of keeping cunts away from truth worked really well a lot.

Pablo? We can't say. More pink wine. We can say that there has been at various times and in various places that its Putin and as we know we have discussed other possibilities for it seems fair enough to mention that name has been mentioned. As we remember here and now often by audibly shaken forensic Intel people. In Newburgh we remember we managed to get up a little and pretended to by a abuse ring member so we could film some fiction in Margo's front room. Once we got we needed and started talking to the folk who had been sent over a little bit. We remember moments with the guy dressed up as Putin, he was a good guy it was fucking awful having him dressed and masked up like that and he could see it.

Years and years and many many traumas later we got the call, as far as we know from Vlad in his office to the landline in Fintry where he discusses junior and agrees to stop trying to have us killed. There was a lot more to the call of course but we got what we needed out of it.

A bit later we were still on the couch dazed and exhausted the phone rang and we answered. We freaked before we realised how much time had past when we checked the clock and saw it was a safer time.

"Ah yeah Sir.. You heard that."

He didn't have much to say and we had even less any way but he wanted to let us know we were not completely alone with all this and that meant a lot. 

May 19, 2017


Didnt do much today. Got the lad off but felt too upset about being on our own and the state of it all down here and giving our self zero chance of getting over this cough by the amount we are smoking as we burned through the rest of it. It wasn't sunny but it was dry and wasn't cold so we found ourself out the back rearranging pots, sweeping and attempting to limit pussy cat damage. Got a grocery delivery which came with Friday night bolog vino and a bottle of Mattis for when its warm next. Also got a half q delivered just as we were plating up which is good timing and picked up our bi monthly diazepam which might not last the weekend, not because we feel particularly down or anxious but because we want to experience as much not being down as we can in a day to day, minute by minute type way.

We do love May in these parts a bit don't we? The stuff coming into bloom, the seedlings that are no where near it, the rampage greenage everywhere, the cherry blossoms littering everything, the sweet organic stenches. Our own sweet organic white flower stenchy stuff is doing mentak as it did last year. We actually ripped some of it up to make safe for violas and have attempted to move of it to the path border that we have made a good start on. Amazon say they bordering and more compost has been dispatched.. A couple of seed packets on the way to, some love in the mist cause they are relatively easy so cool and some trailing stuff we can't remember the name of. Another bright plastic balcony pot thing instead of the trough we already have has been ordered to, they come in bright colours, and with easy hanging fixtures they are cheap with watery trays inbuilt. As much we eye ball stylish stone and ceramic beauties they weigh a tonne and are a shit load more expensive. Fuck it this shit needs to be shared

More soon or hopefully not, would love to be able to post pictures without having to tweet them first but the tech phobia is awful.. and he is going to be ten soon..

We can always show how its all developing if we are going to kept here for months longer. The violas are looking fine and will be amazing when they start flowering to. Starting a new garden, somewhere else with some/s else to help and enjoy it would be better of course. Gives us a lot of simple happy pleasures but we have to keep in the present and out of wider contexts as much as we can. This is our worst case scenario and we are making the most of it but it doesn't mean anything more than that and when we remind ourselves of that go back to being able to appreciate it in the here and now without being paranoid that we are investigating in the continuation in the denial of our own human rights.

Did we say the edging is on it's way? And lobellia seeds, a violent colour. We were thinking we probably don't have that specific colour so we can always take some with us.

Well we are quite intoxicated and need to go eat more food.


"It will never be public that you have over twenty identical sisters. Never."

"Telling the public how many sisters I have has never been a priority Sir we just don't want to be raped and enslaved any more"

May 18, 2017

Yesterday was the 17th of May

A bday and as we weren't born on Earth, our only "birthday" down here. We woke up twice in time to think fuck it lets not about school, noticed Chelsea had been released but as we remember it it wasn't until after we had done a good bit of kitchen cleaning, a fair bit of gardening and were suppin some pink wine that it really dawned on us. We over indulged particularly on the Chinese food to point to puking but we did a fair bit and had a bath salts soak to so it was already pretty good.

We filled the compost wheelie bin with leaves and crap from the bottom bit which is kind of bugging cause its almost a fortnight before its lifted. Cut back one of the wild bushes that has rooted itself under the steps and made a new border bit at the top! That meant weeding deplasticing, de rocking after that we couldn't not but put whatever seedlings we found that we either knew at least suspected of not being weeds when they are far to small and will be trampled, dug up and poisoned by cats. We moved one of the buddleias up there to. The sickliest ridiculously root bound one, it is improving but will get better light and care up there and they were too close where they were anyway. Think it means to two left are pink and red though but they are looking to happy to move.

We did a little bit of chuckie racking to, so yeah quite stiff today only planning on sweeping and tidying today its sunny and cloudy this now so if that holds that would be perfect.

When we were in the Chinese last night Channel Four news came on all focused on the last US crisis and the word "impeachment" was used multi times from multi people. Not that we think that means they will of course and either way we know the damage being done to people and institutions minute by minute day by day is often irrevocable and unforgivable and of course avoidable. Still though its better than not hearing the word lots, much better. Love that meme.. "Stop calling me orange! #Impeach ..

Can't fucking watch much this now. Can't look them in the eye, don't want to do it to them or to us.  Skene bedroom 90s stuff, the battered kid outside the house telling as they got in there cars that Comey is not to believed and the baby in our arms is his. They were fucking horrible. The programming for his public testimony they forced us into giving him personally but only after assurances he wouldnt be allowed to lay a figure on us he fucking tried though. Put his hand on our shoulder trying to instruct us in something and an older kid burst him and we had to inform Comey that this had only happened because we had been allowed by his employer to have personal assurance present that he would not be allowed any physical contact at all. He looked surprised that we had be able to make that a thing from this end. We were shaking and are now to. Another condition was that baby Sky wound go somewhere safe. We knew they had no intention of him or me ever being safe but they could get him out of where we were. The fight for him never stopped. We didn't get him safe until last June.

The coup happened a long time ago they are consolidating now.

We said of course when they got what they wanted and were sending in less horrific monsters that if this happened there would definitely be no more "us" as in communications between ourself and the states.

And on another not completely separate issue, the thing with Earth has never been its human biological diversity. Never and certainty not now. What anything that can value anything appreciates here is the all other kinds of biological diversity. However, as we have been part of long term efforts to increase the diversity and the potential for it elsewhere while Earth peoples continues to resist our efforts to stop if from destroying its  diversity it should be known that in terms of seeds & anything that we needed we got the last of it last June. That is not to say we wouldn't give a fuck if our lovely cute garden was incinerated and/or irritated we would prefer not and are obviously not going to do it ourselves but we would also be unable to stop it because that is not how the system is set up these days.

Your very strongly advised to pay the Witch.

May 16, 2017

Yo Kim

It's not like we didn't know that this was how it's going to be but still watching the Americans destroy themselves when it all could of been avoided if they had respected their own laws. Seeing them protect and pay so many rapists and child abusers and agents with anti American agendas knowing we shared so much with them, gave them so much proof while working so hard against all this is horrible. There is no and mostly never was a Mummy/CIA and Daddy/FBI there is the Cynical Ignorant Assholes and Fascist Bastards Inc. The last blog where we talked about the marriage and US I.D and what it meant to us wasn't us getting in touch with an American core it was a step in us moving away from the denial. They can keep our USA I.D, of course they can they chose protecting the trafficking, the slavery, the rape and the lies over us and all our babies.

It's of no surprise to mum of course but you can not blame her. She heard us when we talked about hope for America and hope for Earth and saw how we were not basing that hope on grooming and in later years she encouraged us in very blunt terms to not give up on them even though she had no time for any of them because she saw how upset we were, knew we had gotten and given a lot of love there and were not done with it. Everyone us always been so fucking obviously relieved whenever we say we have been evaluating and scuttling and sabotaging every we can for the last ten years for our less "Scottish" parts and years since then for everyone else.

It's rapidly approaching June 2017 we did everything that we needed to do and said we were going to do and then some but we are still fucking here with no word from no cunt.  We know we always we said to everyone that if that happened there would be no protocol, no amnesiac open parts and no more warnings. No fucking friendships, no lovers, no comrades, no peers and sure as hell no "superiors". If we are without contacts now and still under horrific slave systems with thirty years of the shit we said was going to historical record then there is nothing to discuss. It's just time for me and the lad leave.

May 11, 2017

Nigger Lover

Neither of us were bothered when we heard them say it. What a state to be in to say that, then and there. There troubles are over and we had enthusiastic public ritualised kissing to continue. We knew there troubles were over and neither of us or anyone else flinched or looked when it happened. There was a few other wrong uns around that did. Think it was easier from them to look at death and blood and corpses than the married couple anyway.   I didn't look until I was asked for this post title.

It was only the day before we had been able to tell him our real name, just a few feat away from where we were now in the car park outside the observation ward at Stratheden Hospital, Cupar, Fife, Scotland, June 2016.. The weather was pretty good like it had been the day before. Even the Kremlin wouldn't of been better. Once he had our name our protectors could take his DNA and details, after all these fucking years.. They phoned back to gently and respectfully suggest we ask him to marry us. There arguments were pretty sound and the rest of us weren't objecting. This was one of those things, one of those eighties things said between slave kids that we built our amnesiac self on. Everyone was already there. There wasn't much time. Certainly not time to be fretting about asking him in front of everyone.

He was kinda blindsided. Seen the state of us struggling to speak and thought the worst. No wonder. The next we knew though he was holding us and lifting us off the ground and we got the affirmative.  The state of everyone was ace. The jubilant, the tearful, relieved,  the disgusted and the oh for fuck sake whatevers. There was a scramble for officialaries and I.D. The couple of non toxic yank feds that we had there just to witness so we knew at least someone in the America intels had some awareness of everything and had been standing about mostly bewildered pulled out our U.S I.D we were happy with that, anything but the one we have basically but we were so relieved when we saw the name.

Waiting for a window to do it wasn't fun, it wasn't long but watching those screens and seeing everything that was going down and being attempted with a level consciousness and emotional connectivity we had not had before was really unpleasant. Ok folks we got 10 - 15 tops.

And indeed 10 - 15 minutes later one of our Generals wiped a tear, stepped out congratulated us told us it was about bloody time and we hit those front lines like an I don't know what..

Later on when things had calmed down and people could eat and relax and party a bit we found our Dad with our I.D in hand. We waited until he knew what we were showing him before we uncovered the 'e' with our thumb. Rosa. His name for me. Hubs, he took our names no matter what always.. Tupac Stuart King.

May 07, 2017

major major

Over the worst of the physical symptoms into the just feeling knackerd and emotional. It's one of them isn't it? First few days of sunshine and we will be down with lurgy.  Shop was selling Jersey Royals though and Spanish strawberries we got yesterday was pretty good to. It's so bugging though, all the garden prettying that isnt getting done. All well at least we arn't letting everything go bone dry.

Still thinking lots about the hospital. Mum was able to show up for a little while, they weren't going to take no for answer and Dad was going back with them after anyway. We hadn't planned on agreeing on all the sisters being there but it felt like it would be safe enough so we went for it. Pretty sure we were right about that being the first time we have been in same room as each other and the first time many of them had met Mum and Dad or knew they existed. It was so hard but so important that we all got to do that.

No matter how well the ops and the battles went back then we knew long long before that if we won we would be alive but too exhausted to survive the rest of the time in hospital and all triggers in isolation and the child care in the months since then if we weren't humanised, weren't loved. We could say our lines about no longer fighting to the posh English and didn't need to worry about any of our internals thinking it might be true.

To be told by our Dad that he knew everything the slave system I'm in. To have and see Mum and Dad on the same fucking page. To just be able to talk about so much. To find out for a fact that Grans and Grandads and all kinds of solid old guards had our back. The twenty year triggers that have had us all terrified weren't left to work and then they were past. No longer something hanging over us that we couldn't escape. Networks and their chains were smashed and then we had to go back to pretending none of it happened and that we might possibly of had an affair with an abuse ring doc was career and his placement there was all about fucking up us.. And he failed.

It's not just the extremes of evilness that has been so hard to get people to believe, it's the stupidity that comes with believing everything is under the control of an absolute and infinite power. There is no learning, no seeing and wondering, no growing but with everything laid bare like it was and everything captured. Enough of the jigsaw pieces present and in place so it was quite obvious to those that had been given a box with a picture could see it quite clearly wasn't the same picture that all the pieces made.

"Next year.. its gonna be mental isn't it?" We seemed to think so, but we weren't really us. We are trying to remember what if anything we said about this summer but as usual we are getting no where. We knew the garden would be lovelier we remember talking about that and when we try and think about the garden next year we are getting nada.. We are confident in the systems being down or infiltrated enough that we are not too worried about physical attacks on us but there is an awful lot going on world event wise the fascists will have wanted determine and we do know they tried very hard and I guess we will all see when the counting is done if they got France. There will be one particularly broken hearted sister if they did.

Not that it's much fun to have live your life trying to resist and escape forces who want you to help them win elections. It's a slave system and election rigging so it's not gonna be the good guys asking. We have a bit of a sense of coming of their efforts to secure the next Brit one not to badly but we also know it's the kind of thing that if we did really get us we would be telling ourself it could of gone worse. If it was when we think it was during the last years in Skene then we probably would of got it out that we would need help and some other system did whatever they did instead of us. We didn't think we would survive another one so had  pushed ourself to reach out. Were we sitting on the bed in the wee room thinking "Fuck that's my Gran and my Mum and they are working together." ? Hope so..

Cinquo de Mayo is passed, we remember saying something about that so people we were not giving much away to. The bush we currently beating around is "we will try bring changes next summer" and how real that might be. Major major shit always happens during the Summer.

May 05, 2017


Yuck. Yuck. Yeah today was blue skies all day again and yes we were pretty much just in bed feeling horrible and little like we normally do. We been remembering some stuff that helps, feeling to shit to go into it now though. We did manage to water the garden though, the buddleia is looks happy and one of the ferns came but its gonna have to wait before it gets its new home cause we haven't even started on where it's going.

Fucking Republicans. They are all well yuck to. Been getting flashbacks to the way they talked about the ACA, the horrific bullshit and all that effort by rich people to stop other people from having basic fucking health care. Fucking CNN and the rest making out like they're all as bad as each other when some are trying to give people decent lives or even just the hope of a decent fucking life while the other lot are going to make it even harder for even more people. They exploit, they kill, the incarcerate and only respect laws and traditions that suit them then blatantly lie about it and its just accepted. Keeping the benefits they don't need brought through the work of others that had to fight them every step of the way then taking it away from those that its for, those that are entitled to it.  We also managed to vote today to. Went for the numbered thing even though we're quite confident they are all wanks, the parties could be ordered.

Do feel/hope that the scales are falling. Surely. Maybe that's just us. And it wasn't scales as much as layered on by other people and they are not some much falling but rather blasted away from inside.

Got weed.. cant fucking taste it..

Watched a bit of the Comey hearing. It's great to be so much more relaxed about knowing there will be major and significant triggers in the news. We don't hunt them and we don't run although we do sometimes take a step to the side cause we know it's not going anywhere and that we are not quite ready. He is deeply shady though of course, so so much of course. What we got was early-mid nineties Skene bedroom which is always very bad and a lot of very hard work since. A lot of it for years was on the do on our own and tell (almost) no one lists. That had all gone by the time we were taking calls from the hospital from Yanks who had just got tonnes of stuff we had been holding back from them cause we had to.

Those calls were so important at the time because so much else that had happened was back behind the wall but calls with agents and officers happen to most parts and the content was mostly about stuff that programmers had no idea about so we could remember during and even after a bit because their wasnt any drastic switching. An island of something else outside being us in a psychiatric NHS ward in Fife with Pabs in care in the Summer of 2016.. We usually couldnt remember words but we could remember tonnes of voices and ranges of emotions and that sense of being okay and not being alone and feeling validated we so rarely get here. We have talked a few times about what a relief it was and is for people who for so long knew they needed to know stuff but we wouldnt share no matter what finally knowing and knowing why we couldn't tell them.  They have a chance to help us now and we have been told we need to start accepting that as fact and we are working on it.

Stupid fever insanity..

Love you sisters.

May 03, 2017

Someone out there knows..

Blue skies all day today! Raked some chukies, pulled up a bit of the tarp underneath, dug the ground underneath and put in the buddleia, they were very root bound, hope they will be happy where they are. Need to get some kind of edging for that bit and for when we have dug the border all the path, think we will probs fill it with what we got already. The bit down the bottom where the ferns are are going is gonna be so much more work. The was a visit today to so we cleaned inside to, bloody knackering especially since we have a cold.. Weather said the rest of the week looks pretty clear so we will see how we get on or if we just feel too ill and want to cry.

Christ what is CNN like working for the McCanns again. No other important issues that voters need to know about worth exploring, no threats to democracy, no rolling back of human rights, no increasing chance of nuclear war because pig ignorant weak pathetic leaders need it to stay in power, no droughts, no famines, no corruption but they would like to bring how rings are protected and enriched by MSM back into the minds of victims and survivors. Ohh so subtle CNN. Whoever it was we told that McCanns back being protected by CNN was going to trigger us so badly we would commit suicide, then said we couldn't cause we are too programmed not to then said we would allow them to kill us, we were lying. Someone said it would be the finial straw for them but we don't know who, what they are planning or if they even meant it..

We might be knackered and fevered but we are also weedless so sleeping tonight is probs gonna be easy. Got clean bedding and jammies so hopefully wont wake up drenched when we do sleep, kinda bugs the cat/s to if we have to turn a soggy duvet in the middle of the night.

Miss you.

May 02, 2017

Hope you had a good May Day Mummy & Daddy.xxx

The three lucky dip buddleia came. Labels saw they are pink, blue and red. We are a little worried they would come back red, whit and blue but they say the arnt so that's fine. One of them looks kind of sickly but it will probs come round. Not inspired to do much out there today it is too dark and cold, need the tools to arrive before we can put them where they are going to go anyway. We can't decide what to do along the side of the path. That white smelly stuff is quite a spreader it would be pretty cool but we have been looking at heathers to.. Oh the fairy isn't cast iron after all she is heavy resin stuff painted to look cast iron and is looking very cool sitting on the wood fence. Next to the atrocity that is next door..

A few hours of sunshine would work wonders, sure it will happen soon..

We are kind of reassessing where how we are doing. That's a really good sign. Telling them we would agree to die as long as we got to see certain people first worked. They brought them in and we didn't want to die any more. We weren't so amnesiac and dissociated that we would consider anything anyone says to us any more. We arn't alone. People know things they need to know. Decent agents know enough our mother and their colleagues to not fall for it any more. The power of fake constructed abusers families so much removed which meant the power of the rings over us is greatly undermined. People who love us the most knowing the worst, not being alone with the worst any more. Our parents finally able to get the darkest of our humour. Sisters all with homes..

We roll our eyes at folk when we are asked about it but we are repeatedly asked to say more about the Satanic history, Masonic history. We have to roll our eyes coz its the sort of stuff than naively answering questions about as a child nearly cost all of us our lives, over and over.

"What's happening here today.. is it.." We could see he was struggling but was unlikely to give up and were interested to see what he was going to come out with. "Is it the mills?" We were pleasantry surprised. He done well. We wanted to lie to him just to make him feel better. We frowned and shook our head,

"No it's the wheels."

His colour drained further and we felt the need to try give him something. He must of seen or knew enough about that day with the projectors back in 01. The pictures were all events, shit that had not happen yet but we mostly knew we couldn't stop or knew we had to do, then it changed to either ors, some of them were just plain weird and maybe almost positive it was changing to quick to process before it went back to things we knew we couldn't avoid. The hospital. Then it went all fast, too fast for most of us then there was the wheels buckling and the mills crumbling, the actual events themselves not knowable but the collapsing of the systems was a definite as was the violence of it. It shocked us for a bit before it hit home that we were going to free.

"Think this means it will definitely happen though.." We offered, "..the destruction of the mill.." saying it out loud gave it a reality we didn't realise we were unprepared for but we breathed through it."However it happens."

He was turning to leave and stopped suddenly when we said that. "You don't know?"

"Nope. The events aren't predetermined just that the forces coming together will destroy it" How could he possibly have more colour to loose? He started to say something but it fell away and all he managed was "But.." We were disappointed. We thought he wasn't that bad. Now the state of his suit and stressed, sweatiness made us feel so ill so suddenly we thought briefly we might go under before seeing the contrast between that very stressed sweatiness and our own calm and coolness.

We looked him straight in the eye, smiled raised our eyebrows and said, "No more determinism. Wow. I'll get free. Mental huh?" He made a start like he was going to go for us but stopped when he saw that this just made us look even more relaxed and pleased. He was all out of script and would have to go back outside and see who or what was available to give him more. I can't remember if we were standing or sitting but we remember thinking about who would be available to help him out and just started feeling so good. Think we cried and could use those tears as further proof of our mental and emotional incapacity. He was not happy about being dragged into all this we heard his say. The other guy was looking back at us and saying to the posh fat bloke that he was an idiot for believing we were or were capable of being active in anyway, the lesser rungs was begging him but was getting him nowhere. We gave him a little twinkle but was all little and scared and amnesiac and confused again when the rich cunt turned back. The lower local scenes prick was fuming and was shouting about us not getting away with this as he walked out.

What is this time, between the smashing of the wheels by destroying the RA rings and before the catastrophic destruction of the mill? Time to grow flowers mother says, time to smoke flowers and eat anything whenever, time to let go of all the acting and the denying and just be.

Okay Mummy.