August 17, 2017

We had to say no. It's gotten to us anyway. It's a shame but we had her number for a while and needed and never used it because we couldn't handle the exposure to bullshitting addictism. We feel all kind of triggered and get mean and defenceive in the hope of jarring them to a halt but we know its too late for our mental and emotional well being and the attempts at damage limitation just replay later and make us feel worse.

We need the space though and she isn't going to pick up on us having needs that arn't drugs. She said she has bad problems with paranoia and as much as she wants our weed and she has helped us in the past we don't think she needs to be looked like she is a cross between Laura and Elaine and we definitely don't want to be looking at someone and thinking that.

We are okay but we feel its a bit of a meaningless thing to say in the context of this blog and the number of times those words or similar have been said when it wasn't true and few in here believed it was even possible any more.. But we kinda are..

Did some weeding today. It really is cool what we have done out there and it is nice to see it and enjoy it and not forgot that we did that work and we did it for us. The littles and olds don't need to worry we are not going to be pulling out by there roots if we have to care for them by ourself. There is shrubs on the way.. a collection of about six they were cheap before but there were down to just over a tenner we had to..

We wrote your name in pen last night. It wasn't easy but it felt so important and healing once we had. Even if we still have a toe or two on "we're just mad/programmed/it's not true"

There's lot's of happy signs and remembering stuff from so many different times. We are doing good, really good with most of the trauma that comes up. It's been accepted that it happened and we don't need to fight with the denial or a perspective that is centred on it and being horribly treated and nothing else. Stuff comes up sometimes that has us struggle to not feel how it did at the time but because so much other stuff isn't having that effect we can keep in touch with the relief that has been bringing and not get overwhelmed. The powerlessness to protect or help little kids is not something we will one day wake and feel okay about but we are starting to feel other things to and that is lovely.

Hope to see you soon. 

August 16, 2017

Good luck America

We have been craving proper writing, actually crafting and leaving and going back instead of splurging. We hiding in the phone games and the nice feeling in our flesh while remember how horrible it's been without going back there.

We feel both loved a fought for daughter and wife and the handed around slave at the some time with imploding or denying too much. The spectrums of us don't seem to conflict and deny each other like we always used to.

We would be were free but we have remembered what it feels like and we don't feel pretend we can get where we need by people who have never helped us in the past suddenly having a change of heart.  We are comfortable in the limbo because we feel so much more centred than we have for a long time and much less dislocated. Less trapped in manipulated cycles of emotional trapped in trauma parts and more like a human who has been treated very badly but has found some space now and is able to do a not too bad job of appreciating it and building on it.

There's a sense of maybe having made it and the worst really being in the past. We don't know what else to do with it but acknowledge and welcome and sit with it. There is also a strong sense that we are writing that because we feel it and it's real and not because we want it to be true and because someone horrible has told us or someone they are forcing to pretend to be us. It's us and we are saying it because it's true. We arnt wishing some order to have us put permanently down was or is successful we can face them and not have to fear our broken parts seeing them and make an attempt to get us all out forever. We have all the same protections we always have but now we want to live, we have real tangible hope because of the break in the violence, the distance between us and the fake family and because we have a much realer sense of ourself.

We said the Fascists had taken over and were endlessly consolidating and making it public to as many people as we could. That was our job. It's all out of our hands now and we are so fucking glad it is. All we need to know is phone home and we very rarely stopped doing that for long anyway we just had to stop ourself from knowing and that was so horrible it made us puke every time to do it and we don't need to forgot or pretend any more.

We can think and feel about what being white and Scottish and female and how its all a state stamp, another cog in very old systems of British people who kept slaves before and on much smaller scale than the mass rape of Afrika and had no intention of giving up those practices they just hide it and more. We are needed for the wars that protect the innocence of the populations. We are needed to hide any sign of our own existence and round and round it goes.. Capitalism is Supremacy is tolerance and acceptance that some slaves always exist somewhere its a shame but it''s human nature and a tight control on ideas and cash.. If it's human nature how come soo much violence and investment goes into making it happen and stopping people from knowing and discussing it?  The fucking scale of the cover ups. Impressive but not invincible especially when all built on such genuinely ancient tech and philosophies. Seriously arcane bullshit.

Thank you husband for helping me understand why people here are so mean or worse to me here and thank you for doing it in a way that made me feel empowered and certain we were strong enough to survive and for being Daddy when he couldn't.

Yeah she doing my head in and reminding us of her connections to Fintry but the new new one seems really cool and much less triggering. Thought about going for a walk today..






































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*99999999999999999999999999999999999999
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....

Today.. 0% chance of rain. Fabulous. Bit too cloudy to sit out too much though and we are into phone games again now that we have a functioning touch screen.

It's soo nice when it's nice to be.

...

It's. A lot like that today to. And we have weed. And it's the tenth.. (we wrote death there). Didn't actually noticed until we said it was on the tenth our sister died and after that checked the date. We've been all over lots of our self recently without it being overwhelming. We are grounded in a family who loves us and will see again and we are not fighting for physicial safety for ourself and as many little kids as possible like we always have been.

..

Margo said if Laura lived she would of fought harder. Laura said the same. "How's your Mum?" The  G.P. asked.. still dying me replied..she was surprised we knew.. We said we knew because we had spoke to her and she had never souded so carefree and relaxed before. And that we were worried about who would take care of Pabs when we were in Stratheden. She talked a little like it was an option before Margo died.

..

Some fucked up part of someone got Margo to admit she would be fighting harder if Laura was. Likewise Laura and her life and Margo. We knew it was translated into Russian with one or no steps or rings in-between. And that for us and what we where and what we needed to do to survive everyone everywhere was lethal.

....

August 07, 2017

Monday

It's not just the antidepressants and the weed honey. It's cause you love us.

We are playing silly surgery game on phone in bed an we feel lovely, lovely and little and close to you. We get double rewards on the game if we watch ads so we are writing this when they are on! Everything feels real and not in an unreal when it feels like all that matters is the evil but in a real and going to be okay kind of way.

..

Pal been round so there's been wine and got more weed. She was the one that had to do the fetching. We were obvs giving it a point blank refusal and apoliesing while not providing any explanation. She did it though. Bless her. We doing silly surgery and half thinking about non silly surgeries.. sometimes almost all thinking.

..

It's still there. That happy sighing and inner peace and hope. Still additied to the silly surgery and the processing, love it the way games can trigger and distract at the same time and when you are aware and strong enough you really feel like you are moving through stuff. We do anyway.

Fucking twitter though. They don't get how many of them are MAGA hat wearing, Russian speaking white male power tools even though they think they are the opposite. And of course all the scum that know they are involved nasty shit.. and not much else..

We are your girl. We will always be your girl. We want to write lots of what we are remembering to show you we remember we also just want to enjoy them and feeling wholer without being anxious that we have to get them down before parts change and we loose them. There's all the "you will never speak of this" from lots and lots of scumbags who need no truth of me or you or us and where we come from to ever be known but we also don't want to write about really important stuff just because we can and we have been told over over not to.

So many think their worries are over when they are only just beginning and there no small comfort in that..

Cant wait.

August 06, 2017

Daddy I think I've found a friend.

Hello beautiful amazing strong sexy gorgeous wonderful husband who loves us very very much and always has and always will and see us all of us no matter how much they made you not see us and how much we couldn't yous.

Husband who know the penis of to and not just from providing medical attention and being locked up naked and starved together or from being forced to watch them hurt you and picture or being shown the pictures they took just like you know all our physical female parts and scars. Those worries that it wasn't right that we were already to family already and it would pretty much be incest. Definitely all crap.. Definitely. Daddy did say that, that he had seen the way we were when we talked about you and then when he met you how we looked at you and how you talked to us. He wandered off to cry he was so relieved but we knew we he would so let him go and then went after him. He hadn't gotten far out the hanger. It was a different crying and that was strange at first but then okay and then really hopeful.

What were we writing about. Oh yes. Your penis. Not that we have much visual memory but there are other kinds. Brain keeps shoving in rape and exploitation but they just evaporate, we see their origins and manipulations and the attempt to make unbreakable associations between rape and sexual love, the parts that were sceptical and those they had so deliberately broken beforehand and lots in between and all it's power over the way we feel being completely overwhelmed by us last year.

We were really young and really really skinny when you found us in the basement and showed us nothing but compassion ever since. Seeing you fight for us was kinda annoying coz we knew we had to fight for us and you and we were so weak. We got stronger though and you learned what we were up again fast. So fast we didn't believe at times and we are sorry for that.

Saying our name was "Julia" in Skene and that wasn't us back then we can't really apologise for it was too necessary, not to you we have been very sorry for Julia though and kinda had to do everything we could to help her after we said that, think she smacked us pretty hard when we said that was probably why she was getting constant grief and we thought it fair game. Then she clicked that was how it was and always had been for us and was a fucking wreck, sobbing and screaming and rocking me in a pile on the floor for ages. We got close like we used to be after that. Think that might of part of why it was her name we came up with.. It was fucking devastating though, seeing you and lying to you and triggering ourself into remembering Julia and me at the same fucking time. We knew we were to close to being wiped out completely to worry about anything. There's a weird peace and freedom in that amongst the horror.

Being close to Julia again meant it was possible to be sometimes again and it meant we could start keeping and eye out for each other and finds ways to resist and organise again. And be girls again.

The antidepressants, the Johnstonlessness, the other side of a nervous break down, the other side of .. well a lot war and slavery may not be completely out of it yet but definitely heading in the right direct.. The table of little boxes and greetings for recipients across the globe. Please except this gift of the dust of your most powerful weapon as a small token to celebrate the public formal and legal marriage of us and yous..

Ha.

Not so funny you and everyone else having to go away though because they still have all second greatest weapon - vast swathes of programmed conditioned populations everywhere making no effort to resist or heal..



August 05, 2017

We'll never hand it over for you to destroy.

Been looking through the photos on this computer, mostly of Laura's two growing up, but occasions when Pabs was there to with his blond curls, big dark eyes and huge smile, sturdy build, unbelievably beautiful babe, seriously. Eventuly found a viewer that worked in all the various ones that didn't. Started some folders "Baby pics" for pabs and are thinking about all the ways you can get albums and print outs sent to you. Would like to do it for the kids up the road to. And me. We could get a big ALF picture and put it on a wall.. we are not unaware this is stuff we couldnt go near before. Laura took them out a lot and there is plenty evidence of happy, healthy kids having a good time as well as the reminders of off camera shit and less happy shit, there's one in particular with Pabs and Grace looking into the camera and the look in the eyes and the body language is fucking horrible.

We weren't overwhelmed by the triggers of looking at the adults from a safe distance in time and space. We knew they would happen we felt disgust and hate and the ghosts of serious physical pain and fear. Nothing we weren't prepared for. Broken scum.

Got to a tiny teeny bit about how cool the iphone is. It made a little video of stuff we shot and put music to it and we thought it was amazing. We are starting to get an inroad with the tech phobia thankfully because of the monster Niall has donated to pabs that is currently in the living room and refusing to run a browser. To be honest as we are only just making a start with the tech triggers we are quite happy for it to only be partially functioning and in the living room. We will get more comfortable with the big box and yes its a big box and impressive he doesnt buy shitty tech over the next day or two while we deal with his room as well.

Lass gave us a hug when we gave her holiday/thanks for keeping cats alive presents and said no one had ever given her stuff like that before. Her mates often sound quite shitty.

We've been getting little flashes of our history with the area now that we're are not there and feel less scared of getting into shit we couldn't handle whilst away from home with a kid. With a couple we felt nothing for but weren't being treated bad by them and didn't mind pretending we were a family when out in public. We remember the car park on the island, the man and the women talking about tide times. We remember feeling desperatly sorry for all the kids who weren't us and didn't have our support or training. There was friendly faces everywhere that the couple didn't know anything about, other kids had none of that they had the opposite all the time not some of the time like me. One of them noticed something with up, saw the smiles and the eye contact and how awake we were I think but it was to late. We were told to run and that we knew where to and we did. It was major stuff and we knew it. It wasn't ancient place usual shit, we remember our hands shaking and screaming even in total relief and gladness. So fuck knows what that was about. To do with masonic fake history and the traditions to protect the truth and humanity probably. That was our work and most of it we had to do alone or with the help of someone who had a 50/50 chance of actually working to do the opposite of what we were doing.

"What did you find in Lindisfarne?"

"You've got no hope of ever getting that out of us. All your torturing is just gonna bury it deeper from you and all your irrelevant kind."

They left frustrated and left us half dead but never surer we could survive.






August 04, 2017

Free Berwick





We didn't have that same dread over coming back. First time for this lot to be returning from anything other that inpatient psychiatry to Johnstonlessness.. It went well. Really well from the perspective of our anxiety and panic levels. It was Berwick though and we could spot the lack of anxiety over the area when we choose it. Not quite England. Not quite Scotland. The boat tour guy said his wife wasn't happy about not a vote during the indy ref. Quite right to. It's Berwick of course it should of got a fucking vote. Of course we don't have much sense of why we give a fuck about it, we didn't expect to feel less wary or more comfortable with the people. All lot of Newcastle way accents and we were reminded how the Borders accents sound so similar when you haven't heard either in a long time and that we quite like them. We reckon there is fair amount of resentment in the North of England that they are excluded from the vague hope of Scottish independence and really should be Scottish. What a nation that would be.. Don't know about Liverpool but couldn't deny them the choice.. So where's my army?



We never had any plans on taking the bairn to the Holy Isle but did make it to Alnwick far to late for any of kids activities but he was happy just to be there and get bubble gum and marshmallow ice cream and a plastic knights sets.

It's good to feel tired from walking, travelling and doing stuff instead of endless trauma processing. It's occurring at some of the shadiest pits of our mind that light is either starting to reach them or will, that there is and can be a "them"..

We dreamt last night that someone said they liked our new hair cut. Thank you.









July 29, 2017

Stupid Scotland

Our foot is quite fucked up. Noticeably swollen and hot and quite quite painful. Think the digging in the garden was what triggered it. Not looking forward to Niall asking why we are limping the digging in the garden bothering old injury is fine but we can't get into what those old injuries are. There's horrilble slaver violence in there and of course the doctor fainting on out foot in hospital last year so fuck knows if that even happened. It feels more the foot than the ankle but there was that time away with Laura and Gran and kids and we went for a big long walk and got talking out by gravel on the side of the road. It was a nasty one. There was a lady getting out her car heard the scream and the expletives and hang about to offer help. We took the walking stick but refused the life back to camp.. really struggled accepting the help and really badly needed to. We could mention that but it really is the foot and not the ankle.. Stocked up on ibuprofen gel, ibuprofen and paracetamol and even most of the diazepam that picked from chemist yesterday and are confident we can keep till we are away and really will benefit from during the out and about times.

We remembered how when we were being chases along those twisty roads with stone dykes and trees and the odd building lineing the roads at the lethal speeds and hearing the scum bags loosing it catastrophically behind us thinking about fucking often you had done those same fucking roads at the same stupid speeds with no idea what you would find but knowing it would awful.

Rolling a car on your foot and then raping you as your foot gets crushed was what some of them were into in some places.

1990s hobbling.

The crap we would get for carnage on the roads. They would walk into Skene and even if things were looking normalish it was never obvious there was something really fucked up going on and going on to children, bitch about carnage on the roads and fucking walk out again.

It's fucking weird not being totally dissociated. Twitter man. Bigoted manipulated twat versus bigoted manipulated while who claim they are pro humanity cheer them on and ignoring and enabling tonnes of violent suppression and slavery that surrounds them and is done elsewhere in their name.

They're all just all cunts are we are very glad be done weeping about that. It could be different and maybe one day they will be but right now its a cultural fucking dust bowl but there. They only thing surviving is being maintained by other things elsewhere and is artificial and parasitic. Just no fucking attempt to reconcile the domestic violence the misogynies and racisms and sectarianism and class awfulness of so many kinds with the day dream of how it could be. Ye olde if yir not up fur recognisin an address the real nature of all the fucking violence that folk are using against each ither an from elsefuckingwhere your all window fuckin dressin.

We find it hard to not assume the Brit arrogance to lead without knowing what they doing because they are privileged Brits is going to continue it does bring about the final and proper break of the UK whilst still have hoping or presuming that it makes fuck all difference to us now because we are not going be left like this forever. We had to get everyone who would come back to help us or at least not become part of the system that keeps us crippiled far far away but not forever just so they could organise and we could focus on finding away to fix our head with constant attacks on them keeping us in pure survival modes all the fucking time. Much easier to think when almost everyone you love is or is at serious risk of being tortured all day everyday. Reasonably confident they can't get them now. Ha.

Knowing that me being taken down meant they would get as much horrificness done as they could as soon as they got hey hands on the ALF and as many others as they could and living like that 24/7/365.. Some aspects of some of the rings were all about it being public. We can remember the look in the eyes of people who stood in bars and watched and then laughed about it later, told us it didn't happen or told us to shut it or it would happen again when it was them that could ever be organising something like that. ..The fucking silence Dad..






July 25, 2017

terribly excited

Big asda shop with holidays supplies order is in, sirlions or the first night & red of course. There's a pretty decent suitcase here that by its good condition we are presuming was Margo's and its pretty big so plenty room for lovely picnic food and booze. Was planning on getting clothes and at least one hair cut today but will wait until the money has cleared. There is a lot coming out.. Asda doing 3 for £3 on the dinky toilettiries and we are wanting to encourage to lad to be a bit more independent on the hygiene front.. assorted wipes, and bags to keep stuff organised and take food with us to the beach and stuff.. Doubt pabs will too enthusiastic about the cup soups and noodles but it might be different if there is not much else and he's been out all day and is starving..



We arn't focused too much on it, we've thought the thoughts before when they just weren't true but there is lots of firsts in all this isn't there.. most likely. It is the first time me the lad of gone any where together in a long time. There was a couple of trips with Margo and Laura, Gina but they were all a while back and not just us. Palermo and London after it hardly count even we are pretending to be amnesiac because there is no part that gets to escape the violence, even if we don't have the faintest clue why we knew people would and do try and hurt or kill us and the bairn.

Not so bad now or wouldnt even be considering it we would be crying because we knew it was way to risky and we would not be able to defend ourself from the hate and the horror. But I really think it's going to be lovely this time. The older mes are all calm and telling me its going to ok and they arn't all anxious and lying and that just by itself is lovely. There is going be some sniffing and swallowing back when with wishing more real family was there.  There's no Johnstons it's safer now.. They reckon they will always have Pabs but they reckoned that about us to and all of you.


Ding Dong

Hi Honey,

I thought we were too tired to write but then we started getting impressions of what was on the other side of the door once w got back from slaying the stupid supers. Between the front door and the room upstairs we can't remember specifics and don't want to it was clear they really didn't want anyone getting in. You and others in there were so starved, so skeletal, everything so awful we still struggle with the time we spent fed and safe and wishing we had come back sooner.

Really wish you were here. It just hurts too much without you. You know. Been a good day today though the sun shone the whole time and we were outside for most of it and have done more gardening. It is really quite amazing the work we have done its really beautiful. You would cry to see it! Trying not to think too much about how much more spectacular it would be if there had been just a bit more sunshine.  There would be so many more flowers!! There is quite a few as it is though and some that should be soon. We put the rose in near the corner in the border we made there. It was brutal on both of us. I am sore but have survived time will have to tell for the rose. We kinda have to put at least one of the climbers in there but its a bit of a thought to shift.. but they are still quite small and it isn't going to get any easier..

Yeah I know arn't we amazing we can bring about all that beauty after so much uglyiness but it doesn't make us need you any less and kinda just reminds us of you more and dad of course and showing mum a garden we made somewhere once. She wept and you know she doesn't do that often.

Got pre holiday plans tomorrow and can't get over how much less anxious we are, we are actually capable of organising something and looking forward to it and not being paralysed with dread and anxiety. It's so much nicer. We are trying not to day dream to much about seeing you come stroll into the campsite, or just plop down beside me on the beach because we don't want to make coming home without you any fucking harder. We will have our garden to come home to and a brain that is considerable less crippled with depression. Definite positives. If we were to being seriously asked if it was a risk worth taking and not just a solid hard wise up stay the fuck away we would say fuck it lets give a go thats why we can't be day dreaming to much it kinda hurts more when its not completely utterly impossible.

We will still write to you when we come home alone don't worry.. It's not like we alone we have our young man and he's pretty special but they all we know that. How are they anyway? The spawn and the spawns' spawn? Love all yous and all thems.

xxxxxxx

July 23, 2017

Don't think we would make a good counsellor

ohmygod she is doing my head in.. We said today to. The addiction talk on loops. We told her to stop saying she is come off everything. It totally undermines all the sensible talk about getting her own place and getting help, rehab. She is living completely surrounded by a miserable past and not like us this miserable past can and will gossip about her and fairly treated like a child by her parents by the sounds of it so we did try encourage her to focus on one thing at a time instead of rambling on making ridiculous empty addict promises. Particularly bad for the ye olde self hate talk today to the point where we end up doing what we ended up doing with Laura and that was bringing up what happened before the drugs and the partying started knowing fine she would hate it but having tried everything else she could think of to stop the drone of sexual abuse victim putting themselves down. It's not like we haven't told her our past is horrific. It was impossible not to think of Laura a lot with the things she was saying and how it felt over the decades listening to her say the same shit over and over so obviously not capable of getting up again from the evil shit that is used to keep her down. Sitting in the same fucking kitchen listen to the same crap we were not amused.

We know is really pretty bad to trigger some like that and we do say lots of other stuff first, about self hate being a big part of the disease that addiction is, about how hard to impossible to break habits when in the same place, same routine that there is not much help out there but it is out there if and when you can put effort into finding it and not giving up at first hurdle, that there is a genetic thing with some people that makes it so hard for them to stop, talking up their good points and say they don't have to justify themselves to me, that it's so not fucking fair that the help they have had when they have reached out before is shit, that relapse is part of recovery, that there are by no means the only one and books are good place to start because you can read them at there on pace and it is easier with her not being Laura but we also know that like Laura she is a grown assed intelligent women who is more than capable of finding this shit out for themselves and know fine they are bullshitting and scheming to make it look like they are really trying to beat it when they arn't because thats addiction. The eyes glaze over and they go back to talking about how they just love getting wasted because it makes them feel like all their problems float away and we have to remind ourself not to disrespect them for it because its addiction, its a disease that infects people and is very stubborn.

It's exhausting but she was responding a bit to being told to shut it and seemed genuinely interested when we talked about the relaxation CDs we used to use. Unlike Laura there we do feel like she could learn to think different and manage feelings differently but we would rather not spend so much time with her when she's at the crossroads especially when we are hardly in a place to presume she is going to fine and not die.

Those cunts that were heavily involved in the white power control of the music industry are still dead though. "beautiful tortured souls" ... FFS.. 

July 22, 2017

Stupid Supers

yuck we keep not feeling any better and its shit. Nothing seems to be helping but its what happens when do the stuff very violent abusers have told you not to ever do. It will get better. Get so tired of destroyed mental health though the just never feeling deeply okay. ..
...

Woke up feeling better today though. Much better. Still in bed and wont be going far from it but comfy and its raining again anyway. So yeah in bed. Feeling better and burning through the lay on weed we had to get because we get messed up on the trainline site and double booked non refundable tickets. We also order a disabled rail card because we ticked that box and that was another 20.. I think even if it doesn't come in time it wont be a problem because we have already paid for non disabled adult tickets anyway.. oh well..

We have also sorted out a new phone because the old one has been busted about half the time for months and months. Much anxiety it has caused when trying to reply to weed related texts and it hasn't let me. We need to have a functioning communications and entertainment device with data to go any where and we are glad that the decision to go away got us to sort that out. It's got cool stuff. The garage band thing is really cool and we were messing with it last night with the lad and told him he can make holiday movies.

Glad it's a week plus away though.

The writing yesterday was good though huh? Probs why we feel better today. Integration continues. There is soo much less fear. So much less "don't sing". Still don't wanna eat though. Happily unfollowing pro BBC or music scum tweeters after all these years of struggling with it and balancing up, guessing at consequences.. Remembering how it has felt to be me if not fully being there now yet but starting to see and feel a much further and deeper sense of us and where we have been. Other people to and my sisters although that is still really hard but we know there are real and not scared about that or them. Good people are out there and some of them are organised really well.

You wanna know what we been remembering? The Super camp either in the states or states run but elsewhere. Could of been one of my sisters with rest of us hidden and helping, or by herself but it was maybe probably us. They were constructing and training and programming a regiment of "Supers" and wanted us there to help out. They had no clue about us of course and we were quite strong at the time anyway. They were getting some impressive speeds but not much strength and no fucking force of course because you can't programme that shit. We told the twats running it that. They started getting it eventually and we knew as interesting and so good it had been to get a break from the rape and murder and rape and murder attempts its not like we were not deeply aware that they were getting us to train and army of us's to defeat us.  When the time came we ended up loving the challange because we had to use our whole brain defend ourself from them and put them all down. There was the three though. That had hide and we knew there was something very not right about the sense we had that because they run and hid they thinking for themselves. We had been all over the awful awful files we knew that was highly unlikely for at least two out of the three. We weren't sure if the other one was up to something on our side but it wasn't impossible and we were quite tired anyway.. We still fucking knew by how strong and wrong the sense that the three of them we okay was programming and that meant some sick fucks had planned this whole fucking thing and had no fucking clue how much that involved sick parts of us.. We couldn't deny it though we felt fucking fantastic for the first time in a long time. We believed in ourself again. We felt a positive future for us might be possible.

We wondered about the place for a while. Making sure it was only three unaccounted for, remembering as many steps and repeating some of the moves to help us remember how we had done it all. There was a couple of patches of gore at angles and bodies in places and positions that we just could not figure out how we did it. We looked again at what had happened near those patches and then we knew there was no way it was us. Then we looked again we knew from the height and spread it must of been a small person, most likely a kid.

We knew we would have to find them but right then we had to get back to Skene to help out whoever they had there while we where there. We fly back we remember that but how we do that in terms of passports and tickets is always a bit of a major blur involves all kinds of tricks and often major dodgers to. We can't remember a lot of flights but we remember a bit about that one because we were on our own and could think. And we thought a lot. We figured out someone was trying to tell us where they were being held and that they could help us find and release the kid. The original Village. He hadn't been around for a long time and we were not looking forward to seeing the damage but it had to done, it was the real Village and some super kid and they would both being used to hurt us anyway and that boy had skills, we need him and needed them not have him..

Via London to get to Aberdeen of course. Buy that time we had the bones of the plan that might get us to him and had shut ourselves down to hide everything from the Brits. We felt so fucking sick walking through the tunnel and through the airport. We had given ourself a plan of exactly where to go and what to do and it was all be had, we could barely breathe and people were noticing. We sort ourself out a bit with a switch though. Even ate and drank and got chatted up by some bloke who wasn't the worst. It was a great until he asked for our number and we remember who we were and he saw our face fall. We both made uncomfortable goodbyes and we went to wait by the gate to return to Aberdoom feeling embolden by the booze and the flattery and just pissed off with the everything which is were we needed to be to deal with whatever horrors awaited us once we had fought, stole a car and was chased back to Skene. They didn't bother following us into the house though. We were not surprised they were mostly police and turning their back on that place is what police mostly do. Tools.

We can't continue the story once we were inside. No one's brain could.

Niall seems really happy to help us out financially with the hols. We order a decent sized torch that isn't black so it's easier spot and  a very dinky multitool. Cause even if we could find the old one we don't want anything to do with the old one.. It's been around way to much. I hope its buried deep in landfill or stored and labelled somewhere with tonnes of other shit.

Think pal is pissed off because we didn't reply to txt earlier but we were watching tv with the lad and had a nap on the couch and she txts a lot and we are not interested in daily drug hunts. We are a reclusive stoner we have gone without at times rather than deal with people.. She's a worry, so focused on drugs she talks about little else other than coming off them and she is at quite lethal levels with it and we try not to think about that too much. Theres a lot of talk of quiting the munchies without backing it up with talk about eating during the day and got bugged with us for saying it was fucking pointless to try and not go mad on the munchies when she is stoned at night when she has all day and gone to work and eaten little or nothing.. She was talking last night for a while about rehab and writing and other positive stuff but we are too familiar with addiction behaviours to be taking it to seriously would be very glad to be wrong though. They are not the best company being so focused on themselves. There is glimpses of someone else in there and we wish them all the best.










July 21, 2017

Hey Hubs,

lol! We can talk to you can't we or at least at you a bit. We get a bit shy with our parents when we haven't seen them in a while. We need to say it!! That audio slave cunt and the evil fucked up prick from the one of the lost profit bands. They were quite active in the slavery and horror that us kept us down. Made for the job of course but they cant be churning out someone who has tortured us many times of several decades overnight. We know we did a shit load of damage to the systems behind the high profile scenes. We just couldn't get near the media and entertainment ones. They are not looking so scary now!!! Was him that time in St Andrews with Margo and her mum quite pregnant and going round the charity shops, get out of the house for a while and he walks past, the fucking way he looked at us. The notice the signs of affluence that you cant have triggers that we don't generally get if its just some rich fuck and some rich fuck who is involved in trafficking us.  It got to us of course but we were able to notice that all long with the very real longterm horrificness was a just as certain knowledge we were going outlive him and the cunt from audio slave it just wasn't going to happen for a while yet.

We not having some problems unfollowing people cause like bad people. It's a shame but its not like we get so much out of other things they tweet that we cant get somewhere else. And it makes us feel so bad we have to move away from not being able to do anything about that. We are very happy that we can start move away from that now.

So much is coming back and you how it works once you start to have a kind of outline on stuff and the details start coming back and that means sensory memories of not just bad things happening.  That's really cool. We remember how much we looked after each whenever we could when we were younger. Neither were supposed to be aware of our surroundings never mind bonding and fighting for each other.. Stupid broken fools only see what they are can't imagine anything else. Higher ups a bit more aware though huh. Systems a bit more complex but above that it went back to pretty simple and as they mostly were about convincing the hiarchies that they didn't exist it was pretty easy to make up some shit that mean we could involve their own systems attacking them. The hierarchies all lie and manipulate and exploit each other so its at most levels its pretty easy to turn them against each other and give us some space. You know all this. Our brain still works better we think about you. But it is still very scared to as well though.

Bastards. Both of them gone though. Were kinda in weepy place out of relief and that kind of tired relaxed sleepyness that comes after weeping. We don't care about how many of the people who put abusers on our TL have been put there to do that. It's so sad really. All those fuckers who didn't think it was 'that bad' and didn't believe how much was going on to bring about the Trump presidency and Brexit. And stop Scottish Independence because Scotland is where to do and keep a lot of their dirty work and they to keep that theirs and not discussed or challenged nevermind bloody end. Even though it much of it has effectively ended. We couldn't stop those main aims they way things and were but we could stop some of the plans the rest of the hierarchies were trying to tack on. They can't get us again. Not like that and their far away support is nothing but dust, wreckage and memorials.

So Earth being Earth. People are forcing all awareness of any of this away even harder than before, burying themselves into their programming with added gusto. I believe, my work here is done because there is nothing more I can do with this shit hole. If someone else wants ago at cleaning it up then they are very welcome to try but I also believe there may be a time limitation as we are needed and need to be elsewhere and if we are not going to be allowed to leave it will have to be done by force.

We are thinking we maybe should try and life some of the blurry between parts. We don't mean we could or want to be like system on twitter who we think are cool but have definite name and stuff but to accept that we go amnesiac during switches and it easy not to notice because its quick and they trained us hard to not notice for a long time and repeatedly and set up to constantly retriggered when alone or under constant direct abuse i.e all the fucking time.

It is important that we are addressing this because its mean a major fucking issue. That that we have any sense of a clue where to go with it now .. but .. we getting Jacqui memories or rather walking away from sessions feeling good, really fucking good because the decades of lying and faking and producing fake intel for the abuse hierarchies had worked. It had been so hard and so exhausting for decades but it was starting to pay of in more than just temporary shot term ways. Everything she had been trained and told to say to us was having the opposite effect to the intended one. She would bring up a past horror and we would relieved to remember. She would try and make us feel helpless and we would get empowered. And then when we had fucked up their fake intel systems she had to start behaving like a proper therapist because she was being watched by forces who were no in on it and we ended up getting some real therapy. Lol. So horrible when it worked though and whatever they did to us at home worked with what was pulled in the session but we learned quick and undermined that to.

Jesus. No wonder we can't get out of bed.

Feeling all sad now. Yes. That pair of baby and little torturing scum bag slavers is dead! Fuck yeah. We gonna try not go under during holiday. It's safer now.

Wish you were here. We are hungry and don't want to eat and you could help with that without we just gonna end up smoking more and its not good for us when we do it to much or the little boy. The little boy is gonna be bigger than us really really soon! He's lovely. Mostly.

Love you, thank you.

xxxxxxx

July 20, 2017

"We knew it wasn't you."

We double booked our non refundable train tickets..Fuck ups are expected & that is quite a nippy one money wise. We are going to have to take even more money from Niall wot with the week we are away being skint week.. Very glad to have a few days away from our discomfort zone home anyway.

There is part/s we are concerned about though. The ones that were told they would never go any where for fun or comfort. They are to be taken places to be used, they do not going on glamping trips with their son. They don't laugh, they don't know how to have fun, they don't know how to feel safe or loved or loving. They are supposed to be the parts that they develop into being abuser prostitutes that will agree to anything being done to them and agree to doing anything to anyone else. We can remember standing in Skene as they tried to talk us into giving up on ourself and not being as the only way to survive. They didn't know how many of there was, who had had what done when so it wouldn't work as well on us as it had on them. Instead of meat puppet we remember a strong sense appeared through all the knowing and remembering nothing that we did know who we were, we were not them and we knew what we had to do as well it was simple we just had to not ever be them. We were so relieved.

We need to start to seeing if there are ways that we can widen our sense of who and what we are. When kept isolated we start finding it harder and harder to feel real without something definite and horrific to resist. There are many who this we encouraged it in ourself because we knew that if we have strong parts that only come out around abusers then they will start sending less abusers to us. It kinda worked but these tough AF parts are not going be able to resist the heavy high doses of whatever to incapacitate us, its a big part of why we are just terrified of people because they so often have be used, forced, blackmailed, paid to slip them to us. We are scared of Niall because of that. It's a horrible place knowing the family or people you live with could do something like that at any moment. Every cup of tea or food offered could be the last or put us back into years of being a rape slave and breeder. Horrible.

We talked some stuff through last year, this isn't a departure from everything being known about for a long time before. We have to involved in the security. The making sure abusers don't think we will do something we know we will, doing what we can to scuper their plans if they do know or are just covering their bases. We have figure out and find out the things we can't do and the things we can if we work really hard to keep them away. We got so used to seeing agents and officers whenever we go anywhere we stop noticing unless they have kids with them and are pretending to be family when they arn't we would notice that. Sometimes we would see them with their real families and we would end up feeling so glad that it wasn't us. No one was teaching those kids any better, they knew abuse and bullshit and nothing else, poor souls.

Some people actually believe it when they told that level of trailing and surveillance if for our protection but it's about triggering, intimidating and reminding us that we are powerless and that they will never stop controlling and owning us. So much easier to face all this shit now they don't have all that evil tech. Knowing your rapist can literally press a button and you will be incapacitated.. But its not just the bad guys that are watching us now while the good guys watch carefully crafted fiction often created by abuser institutions and authorities that make it seem like we are safe and cared for and not dying.

Which complex sophisticated shit but we've got parts that have complex and sophisticated down and friends who were good to us and other people so we had no problem sharing our tech and science with. I hope they get here soon.




July 19, 2017

kinda momentous really

Several excuses to be slightly pissed these evening. It's Tuesday for one and that is generally reason enough, it's also been sunny. We finished off replacing the crappy planks that made  a tiny border in front of the fence, it's great to have it finally done we are quite chuffed, we have been giving those planks dirty looks since Margo had the lease on this place. Also, late last night sleepless and agitated we ended up looking to see if there was any wee holidays available for me and the lad and did find a possible but figured the feeling wouldnt last. It did come during the day though our mood is so shitty we have to do something and we have been feeling quite excited about the eye food and the time somewhere else with junior.
...

Not so pissed now. Sleepless & bloated. Head full of gang rape. And much excitement about the trip, been pouring over the websites an feeling like stuff we have been putting off like get a phone that works and I doubt we could get an appointment in time but we are thinking dentist to. There is a day trip we have pretty much completly committed ourself to by mentioning it to dude and that is our biggest worry about it really we should fine just on the site though. It looks pretty wonderful, hills, seaside, woodland walks, crafts.. so glad we could finally feel able to leave the house even if its kind of fucked up that we are way more comfortable with the thought of travelling a few hours and staying somewhere else than we are going on day trips from here.  So glad we are doing something with the money other than buying weed because we have been going through too much. N will no doubt give us holiday pennies to yet its all good and heading in the right direction mental health wise. Oh man. Scenery. Air. Somewhere elseness.

There was another reason for the pissedness that we were too pissed to mention earlier. Dude said weeks ago he was getting hairs and we brushed it off and certainly didn't go in for a close up but today when we were eating hotdogs outside and he was in his onesie with the buttons not bloody done as usual and yep. Black lines around ma baby boy's tinkle.. Christ he's a boy and he's not even ten yet. It was quite a shock we were already on the pink wine so thanks to that we still managed to eat most the hot dog. He seemed quite proud and agreed he should read the puberty/sex book again. Wondering about stuff like stress and lack of exercise bringing it on early.. I'm proud of him and so relieved and proud of us for getting him this far but christ there is going to be a man about the place. Who we have clean up after and care for..We said it meant we would expect him to do just a little more and he said that we had agreed on 13 for that but Im pretty certain we said 10.. He can do a little more for himself I'm not expect him to work hard or anything.

So glad we had just booked when we saw that..




July 16, 2017

really done with this being a slave bullshit

Husband, Husband, Husband.

Bits and bobs are coming back now from all the decades. It's sunnyish outside. We are still in bed.  
Runnin low on weed again we have gone through so much. We remember how much we have always felt at home sitting on your lap at any age. How we can't help waiting for you because you told us to long ago to and we really tried to forget it but couldn't.

We are watching us slide in and out of denial. Its quiet fascinating.

We are not going to say it was better when all images of you that came up internally were instantly banished to parts we couldn't talk to. We had to we knew we had it wasn't safe, it was very unsafe and we would remember when it was safe to be us but the longer we kept ourself and were kept down the harder it was to come back, to recognise us at all.

It's just you that has us wanting to cry all day today. We did get up not too late though and we can imagine we might feel better tomorrow enough to garden or something and its been a little while since we felt that. No it wasn't any better when we were working the denial and the amnesia but we could pretend it was, could pretend things could get better just as they are and they we don't just really really need you. We could talk about it, us, you in other languages though and would endlessly with us backed into a corner English speakers picking up your now and again as we talked and could only guess at everything else.

We said we had done it didn't we? All the shit we had to do before we could just be. All the manipulating our own parts to keep secrets and living day to day thinking and feeling like no one knew us and know who cared what happened to us. It's over. It doesn't mean it will change but it can and it will there was enough amazing people there that we believed it we will see you soon and we won't have to separate or be separated and be raped and locked up like we always have been.

It will feel so normal and so good and that's not normal so it will be really weird. Kind of presuming there will be more war but we arn't giving ourself any clues. We remember that guy trying to repeat to us stuff we told him about nowish and the future but we just went deaf because systems were not set up for guys to helpfully try and repeat things we told them to ease our anxieties about the future. He seemed so shocked that I was in state so distant from all my work but it helped him join us and help stop this from being done to me.

We have been kind of having that in mind. The severe contrasts between how we are when first rescued and how we can be if we have been out for a while, how much it must hurt people to see that.

We know its pointless but completely natural to be frustrated with ourself for not organising sorties and our own evacuation or not found a way to have you here in Fife. We could support each other and take the bairn out and be terrified of everyone and everything together! We really seem to be unable to do it ourself thats for sure. And we are getting sick of smoking weed, pal is just getting into it after years and is all enthusiastic but we feel like we are only smoking it because it makes us cry and bit less and be less snappy with junior. She started taking more of an interest.. It's not easy.. We don't feel like going into any detail at all we are glad of the company though she does take our mind of missing you so much though.

It's just not going to go away. We know it never will. The only thing that ever made here better was you and your not here so its never going to get better so you will have to come here or we have to leave it's that simple and it will happen.

I love you.
See you soon.
Please.

July 15, 2017

Stupid lonely dreams

Looks like another bed day then.. Little bits and pieces do get done in the evening. And its raining. Stupid uni/university town dreams again. Before we woke up we were standing outside with a crowd waiting to go into a lecture and the tutor was there chatting about the course and everyone else seemed to know each other and if they were in the right place or not. We may have dreamed this before where we decide this is not working and walk away from the lecture and whatever course we are supposed to be doing for good. It be good to not those dream any more, a lot of it is quiet literal we were registered at a old University, we loved the degree there was no degree we wanted more but abuse, abusers, poverty made it impossible.

Those parts made for uni still seem to be waiting at the door with the stationary packed and oh so keen. It's obvs not just a "uni" and "a uni town" where everyone else is connected enough to each other and has a concentration span that means they can remember where they are its society, culture, work.. family. Hope we really are starting to cut our loses and accept you cant get a degree when you don't know the course. There are aspects that are straight memories like lecturers confusing us for a normal privileged university middle class kid and talking to us like we knew where we were or where we were going. The was one this morning to I think, I'm just weeping and weeping in someone's office saying "they won't let me get my degree." There is someone there who is comforting us, patting us mostly and it doesn't feel inappropriate but there are saying very little and I think that conveys a resignation in the comforter that there is nothing we can do, they are not going to stop me from getting my degree and much much else and no one is going to stop them. It's quiet chilling.

It will e some old horrific loop we haven't got round to cutting open yet. They only let us near something to show how they will make sure it is not for us, that anything we can grab from it will be completely out weighed by whatever it costs us and should we win anything better for us the will turn up personally to fuck it and us up.

Hope your not all morbid and gloomy and bedridden as us. People are not supposed to survive that amount of trauma and we are worried that we might start believing that remember to much and just fall to pieces.. But we are more than "person" anyway so we can survive..

We do remember some dreams that are more than the depressed like we have been told we have had. Moments of usness but there is a phobias with them, that stuff is evil and turn away from it feeling because we know we have a lot of work there but this is hitting levels that vast amounts of the horror was built on.. "I cannot exist so this cannot be happening".. We have dreamed about watching lots of people dig and that felt better than all the isolation and denied opportunities ones. That programmed self phobia is going be a part of why we are still fucking here, isolated, confused and denied isn't it?

It must be close to the stuff when they showed us lots of the tech that was out there and what it could do and how it would be used if we didn't follow orders. It feels deeper somehow and we are not sure if it worked on them still having people and powers they don't have any more. We certainly don't have a clear sense of being terrified of us that they have forced us into in the past. We couldn't believe it when they showed us the tech and where it was. It was such a gift.

Nah we are more at the point where we don't understand how we can't help us and we know the internal phobias and denial are a big factor in that and they don't have anything like the power they had. Well so much of what we have been writing for months has been stuff that when they made us swear we would talk or write about we used to feel they had won completely and never could. But other parts always will whenever we can because they will kill us if we don't manage to get help to us. Is the really, really worse times really over? Hmm. We thinking about all the times the calls with Johnstons and people forcing us to pretend to be a Johnston in amongst the worst of it, central to the worst of it all. We done enough to keep them all back? We don't know til we try..

You could come look after us if wanted anyway we think we can be scary and strong enough for when they try the worst. It's not hopeless any more is it? But we are probs gonna feel that way for while yet its been so bad. I'm not that scared. We remember what fear is like when there is real immediate danger that we have to stop by ourself when we have no clear memories of anything and no strong sense of anything. Then we find the muscle memory and the being a computer when it comes to self defence and its is clear and strong and not letting us down if there is any physical abilities left in us at all. Things slowed down and we saw ourself debating and judging the best and quickest way to end him because he would be back with a bunch of mates soon after if we did anything else. Getting them to change to leaving us programmed to be little because they thought that would make us defenceless when it was the opposite and if they hadn't we and so many bairns would most likely be dead. But I guess there weren't as much trying to kill all of us as much as desperate to as many as possible and would of stopped when got what they wanted.

What am I supposed to do with me here like this? Stay cozy. I know.


Love yous.



Again

Hey Honey,

Took some of pals painkillers tonight. She actually got a bit pushy with them we have told her before that we prefer getting wasted alone and writing and she didn't look to impressed. But we do. We would rather use them to help us remember and talk to you than listen to her deviate between between going on about how lovely drugs are to saying she is going to come of the pills. She has said that enough times that when she asked us if we were annoying us tonight we said "a little bit".. Our phone has died it seems now to so she probs thinks I'm ignoring her. Shame. It is trying though listening to addictions talking.

Not sure what you would think about her apart from the obvious stuff about her not being the utter sicko they set us up with last time but you don't like that she can be a bit oblivious to us. She does try to draw us out but all the drug talk can have us a bit triggered and tense. She has told us way more than she is not comfortable with and it is bothering her and its not like we are beyond bringing it up unhelpfully because we are in a place where we have no problem seeing a connection between trauma and addictions and can't keep out gob shut in face of constant unrelenting denial. It's not nice really but we understand we do it to break up the unbareable amount of crushing memories that brought up by the lofty impossible goals and promises that weren't asked for.

As is so often the case, she's a lovely lass with so much to offer but lost all confidence and I really hope she gets some back and not just because she would probably not be annoying at all then.

We are quite wasted ourself, what with the pills and the Guinness and the weed.. Wasted enough to remember you better. Especially since we have been doing that and trying to do that a lot anyway.  My god hasn't it been unbelievable horrific? We are getting glimpses of non dissociated torture and some of the conditions we have been forced into and don't feel the same split. We've got me back. I think.

We really wish we hadn't been hurt so much so there was more of us left for you. We know you feel the same about you. Your the only person we don't mind sharing a bed with. We should be together. We are trying to remember how it felt to see you again at the hospital after so many years of not. We had seen you briefly in other places but we knew you knew the parts that need you they most can't go out and about. Knowing you loved them and needed to reach them so badly when we couldn't reach them gave us what we needed keep going. Know we are remembering the waking up on your lap married and it being ok we were all little because you are just as bad and our giggle..

Yeah the memories we have chased with depression and drugs are doing our head in because you are not here and I am not there. Believe? Okay we will try we can almost remember how easy all that hope and faith stuff is when your around.

We love you. All of yous.






July 14, 2017

Wonder if we will do a better job today at leaving the house or gardening? Or not hating ourself for not doing stuff.

Well not doing stuff, not yet anyway.

My God. What a state. Those poor babies. A mean what woman doesn't fantasy about trussed up like a royal show pony to display their newborns like they are pieces of bling. Wow they look so safe, respected and cared for.. wish it was me and mine.. Gotta be grateful its not a exhausted, messy hair, sleeping newborns, smiling parents shot that would of got to us more because it so normal, so hard to reject and but so impossible for us.

You'll be struggling.  Scum bags having preparing us for this forever and its underestimated how much we knew, understood, was embedded in the higher levels of all this shit so we didn't see people as the terrifying hate filled gangs out to get us we saw absent meat puppets that had no idea what they were doing and were incapable of registering never mind acting on the strings or the string pullers.

We remember people trying to force us to get trussed up to for a video, all that usual you should of grown out of fighting back but now talk, a few folk around with their heads down and doing nowt. We were post pubescent and trapped as a little and the shame of it is supposed to make you do what your told but we would rather that shame than what we would have to do to ourself to perform like they were demanding. I don't know if they got it out of us in the end that day or not.

They truly have everything they were told they were going to get and they didn't/couldn't care about the what happens next when they did as they were meant to and made the deals they made. We knew everyone seemed to be basing their presents and futures on stuff that we knew was impossible and not going to happen but any presence in anyone at all and you are going to know that people involved in all that horror stuff are not to be believed but you need presence for that and it was set up to make that near impossible.

Hope your taking it easy. Hope even more that we hear from you soon.

xxxx


July 13, 2017

We'll manage. It won't be for long. We were promised.

Gonna write about the pal. Not sure if its gonna end up being about the nasty controlled relationships in the past or just a good bitch coz we got no one else. "The usual" a history of sexual abuse and no support with it producing self destructive behaviour and relationship patterns. Genuinely heart breaking of course. Trusted family member or friend so she swears of ever telling her family who she is otherwise really close with. Drugs and shitty relationships etc after that. She turned away from the abuse into drugs instead of into it like Elaine did. We are not going to walk in on her telling the adorable little fucker than she is going to kill him, she isn't doing the same on worse to her lovely wee lad. We do have to hear shit like "didn't want to eat because it would ruin ma stone." from a grown ass working mother. 

Gonna look an Amazon for more bday presents.. She has helped her mood and got us up and about a bit today when we were quite abyssed up. Shitty dreams just sucking up any emotional resilience we scraped during the day. We read a piece on Russia phobia yesterday fucked uply thinking that it might be grounding but it went straight into saying what positive work Kislykak has done for Russian American relationships and wanted to delete the internet. 

We have written all that much what it was like battling Elaine, the police and the shrink and everything and so many more.. With the call with Laura where she admitted that both her and Margo were going to die and where going to do nothing to help protect the kids. They were both just fucking relieved they were getting out. Think we said to Laura that we would fight to stop the kids from going back to Aberdeen but we knew we it was impossible and hated her for forcing us to lie. 

Guess when even just look at that shit its amazing me and the alf are here at all.. But we learned early that to survive I had to believe I was fighting for more than this. Parts that want to die isolated arn't the parts that kick down the physical doors that need to be kicked down if being left alone to be possible, they can't fight that why they need to be left alone.. 

What we need right now is to put some potatoes in some water and apply heat and salt. We can do that.

 For all our misrable bastardness we did manage to wash and line dry both our sets of bedding. It's early but he's been in the bath and is now assigned to his room much to his disgust. We are batteling with an old 10p crisp addiction that we reignighted by buying a multi pack of beef Space Raiders. There is not over cooked buttered Jersey Royals and we keep reaching for the beef space raider.. its a disease.

Raining out there again. Glad we took the washing in and made the beds when we did. Gave the lad one of his birthday books a modern fantasy thing, that already is part of a big series we hope he gets into it cause he needs to be getting book that last him longer than an hour and he's already into dragons, spells and battles and stuff so surely can't go that wrong. We saw the "Harry Potter meets Lord of the Rings" add from some big paper, crossed our fingers and went for it. That's half an hour he's had it now and no complaints and no way he could of finished it in this time either.

We wish a bit that we were out there but it doesn't hurt like it has done to know how it feels to see swathes of a Scotland in July when it stops fucking raining and the cloud cover breaks. It's fucking Earth. It's stunning but it got all these massive exploitation systems that undermine the appreciation of everything.  

Not ending on that though...

Had that sentence there for a while now.. 

It's so good just to eat though, eating the wrong stuff or just too much stuff when you don't need to it will be there tomorrow and the day after we won't be back in the literal cold and dark and foodless again. 

We are feeling a bit like the very hungry catipilar. We don't won't to go down there. There is rolls and fryable food... ... 

Book is getting rave reviews.. There is free empty bags of Space Raiders at our lovely clean bedside.. But those rolls are brown and wont stay fresh for long..







 






July 12, 2017

Wed

Thank fuck that week is over. Now we have a load of shopping delivered and plenty supplies. There is quite a lot of booze. We know you have told us to not feel guilty about the parenting from bed. We can't and that all there is to it. It isn't going to make it easier to spot the moments when we could manage. It's early yet anyway.

Flesh does seem to be letting a fair bit of it out. It doesn't feel like a flood though more of a steady, managable flow and there is always someone around who is familiar with whatever it is to keep the anxiety and phobias down. Once we know what we are grounded on and in its stops feeling quite so lost. Well mentally anyway. We are kinds of lost emotionally.  Like running back to bed and not even opening the back door even though it isn't raining and there are sunny patches.

We are thinking about you and how you used make safe, warm and comfortable. How you used to try and hide and protect me from your fake mother. Your biological mother never made it off the compounds, you knew her vaguely. I knew and she knew but we never told you. Maybe it was better for you on the day she died when we were escaping one and the broken scum that stay where they are when you unlocked the cages murdered her so she wouldn't get out that you didn't know. You knew there was something up in the way we were crying and hate it when we can't/won't say. We tried, but couldn't.

We couldn't help seeing that someone loved you from the care you took of us. Kids didn't just know how to take good physical care and how to show each other love someone had to have given them moments of it and we saw no sign of it in trafficking scenes that surrounded you but it was very real and if we couldn't help we at least wanted to say thank you. We found out, some how or other and she was been held in the same scenes we were so it wasn't impossible to speak to her, we just had to get locked up in the same cage with her and that took a couple of attempts but worked eventually. She was terrified when we said we knew and it broke our heart to see how relieved she was that you didn't know. It was to dangerous, the violence was to severe and too deadly too often.  She couldn't take her eyes of you. You noticed and mentioned it once. We couldn't say there and then..

We asked her about your bio father but she just dissociated in a way that left us no clues what so ever. Back then we were mostly concerned about it being our Daddy than anything else but we could see by the way people looked at you it was like the way people looked at me, like we are a threat to them just by breathing, like we are walking proof of stuff they need to not be provable. In people who weren't like that we saw the same look of something approaching hope we sometimes saw when people looked at us. We just wished we could be far far away with you and didn't already have lives that were at least half written for us.

We would try and finding where the hell you came from sometimes but would have to stop because of the number of horror stories coming to say trying to pull all sorts and saying it was them. Think we might of heard that someone was getting somewhere with it back in Dundee. If that was true then we the memories we are getting of giving you and your dad the results. You both had the attitude of it not mattering at all until we told you both and well you were there.. It was wonderful. You asked once why we got so quiet whenever you and him were together it was great that you finally knew especially with you getting so cranky when we can't tell you things.

So it is just ridiculous to think you and everything and everyone else would all just abandon me and whitey for ever and ever, him on the sofa me in bed the teeth rotting in our heads like our brains. I'm sorry. You are not happy with me wading through all this here alone either, I'm doing everything I can. I love you to.








July 09, 2017

This is my Daddy!

Anti depressants helping again maybe need to stop running out every month. It's often been docs bloody fault though. Two months in a row we put in for it in time and never got it. Not this month though we fucked it up this time. Hate seeing that fuckers name on the repeat prescriptions sheet. We couldn't handle NHS shit when we moved here. We were asked and agreed or even said his fucking name. It was horrible and we were already in such a horrible place. Thats how it works.

We been thinking Ally a bit past few days and all the awfulness that is probably unravelling in his adult kids heads now that he has been dead for a good while. Awful.

And of course a heart broken young lad who was crying because the little girl he was looking after didn't want to call him or think or him as Daddy. We blamed the DID and showed him the parts who did see him as their Dad but the it made the rest of us comfortable because we knew we didn't love him like. This is the second time around at least or good as. There was so much determinism out there. We knew and were told they knew stuff we needed to know and it was left up to us what would happen to them next but there was never any room or hint of doubt. It and they all had to go.

We wished sometimes that we were everyone else down here who didn't know how it worked, how long it had been going on and what was planned next. They could just stumble about dissociated and blind in the circles drawn for them and not now how much was being lost and that they personally had to find a way to not only survive it but also bring it all down or the suffering would always been unbearable for everyone forever and definitely for ever and we wouldn't be able to stop them from using us for severe evil because thats what happened the last time and in terms of the bare bones of it any way everything was exactly the same or worse because there was sources knew we wouldn't be making the same mistakes twice so they needed to be making sure that we weren't doing anything and they failed obvs in that.

The results of summer wars haven't been dug up or found carefully wrapped and locked up and used by people who have no idea where its from or what it says to creep out little kids for centuries. There attempts and their structures where thats how we would go into them knowing that not matter what we would manage not to be at a certain place at a certain time in a certain state. We would annoyed with ourself for being scared the times it was 100% down to us that that didn't happen. Like we would knowing walk back into the worst and certain death with everything we are and everything we have done but its trauma - amnesia - trauma - amnesia - trauma ... it will do this to anyone. Not everything is recoverable.

Besides the down trodden and given upness needed to be very convincing and sustained or we would never of made it. We would of been slaughtered by local Scottish or British drugged up violent scum after tonnes of others had separated us from any support, injured and exhausted us so much we couldn't stop it. We always remember sooner or later and know not to drop all acts straight away and the people holding us down are mostly not very smart but we still need to figure out how not smart they are because there is always a lot of them.

Did we mention it's all really unfair.

What do we think is going to happen next? Fuck knows. Think it will, or should or definitely hopefully anyway will involve daddy husband. Like we never mothered or fathered him? Pablo's his bloody bairn he needs to be getting him off that fucking couch. We never wanted him to know how we felt or how many horrendous plans there was from very powerful sources. Extremely contradictory plans of course supported by a more powerful much older system that just needs us dead, mute, humiliated, enslaved or at absolute least very very far away. Nothing is omnipotent it is possible to get out of everything's reach and they are going to say that whatever else is nothing, of no interest and worse than them but it just means that its out of there reach and they can't do anything about it.

To some it seems and its at levels where we can't suss it our by the feelings of lots of parts because there is a few of them and whatever feel rightly or wrongly or truthfully or otherwise they know more about everything than us here, that the only possible crack that could lead to a schism in the horror stories that were had everything that was in their reach wrapped up was us. It had been gently suggested by family that this might be the cause with a lot of stressing that our life was ours but abusers got a hold of it to were able to use it against us and get us terrified of it. Us and Earth and the evil as fuck powers that be. We took a detour there and started writing about truth drugs, nothing wrong with it but this is very important to our untangling of the thinking and feeling like we arn't us. Us on Earth by ourself forcing them in all into places where all their interests no longer overlapped so neatly. It was impossible not to get lost in places where we felt we had to deal with at all alone no matter how bad it was.

It broke his heart again when we seemed to be hesitating about fighting for us in the future but it was because where we were and who was around and who was listening. It was then we had to tell him how we really felt and how confident we were we would we want to marry him when we were older and some of the abusers said shit along those lines it wasn't all based on bullshit. We left out the wako physics and ancient shit because we weren't a part that understood any of it and trying to get parts to talk about stuff they don't know about is something cunts did to make us feel confused and unsure of ourself. It wasn't the right time to tell him about the paintings that had been found in Egypt. It was very clear, we were together and we were crowned and we were not slaves. It was beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. We stared at us for ages before we started wondering where we had been painted and something in that had floored us even further. Something that we think over time brought us back to having no fucking choice about fighting for Eurth whether we wanted to or not.  We despised any sense that no matter what we did we we still never have any real choices. We had to fight to the death for a place that systematicly rejected, tortured and enslaved us and that isn't going to make any little girl feel like smiling much.


 If we were going to forced apart from people who looked after us than we had less need to protect them from the truth. It was so hard. We were so little but we are so glad we are forced ourself to do it whenever and as much as we could. That might be when it all started with the truth drugs..

Pac was the only we could really talk to about everything and when he wasn't around and we knew it would be awful for him wherever he was, then remember about our Dad and how it was the same for him and would feel it all winning and us all fading and then hear an internal voice asking us if there was anything, one else and we would remember our mum and our glad and all the crazy amazing women who had been hiding successfully from it all, whilst studying it and attacking and undermining it whenever possible.

What does that help us today though with a belly that demands food but doesn't want to eat. It is raining though so we don't feel like we should get the kid of the sofa so much..

So hard to write his name. Causes actual physical pain. Tupac. but not the one that was dating bloody Madonna, obvs cause she is not nice.





July 08, 2017

Okay

Man these are quite like it used to be a lot pain levels. Pal came round and gave us some weed and that is very good she we also burst on various pills, talking about having lost weed, off the to get ready for her work and leaving her kid with family that are on tap.. which wasn't so good though. We can't help having a peak at whatever she asks us to chuck out for her. Not to the extent of unknotting a carrier bag or anything although we might of today.. we know the chances of her having missed any are extremely slim but we are in actual physical pain in that old place. We weren't up for asking her we have no money for the weed and we know that like us and the weed there just can't be enough pills for her. Just sounds so scary to us though. But one of just about anything she knocks back in handfulls would be quite helpful today probably. She fucking gave us weed though and we are reasonably certain not rapist who has raped us and not directly involved with violent white power organised crime. Can't argue with that.

No gardening happening today. We are in that weepy place still, worse. But not too bad. Either. It's the holidays we can take it easy.

We caved at the thought of cooking food, running out of bread and surviving on weed donations and phoned N who helped considerably. Pal got the weed for us but she is hitting everything so hard it was hard to enjoy her company. Kept asking the same questions that we had just answered minutes or seconds before. We got a bit narky with her and told her quite a few times that she should take less pills which isn't helpful to her but we didn't want to be enabling it its not like we really would have a problem with her being quite wasted but we struggled with the utterly wasted and we got annoyed enough to pick at her about it asking about someone we thought might of triggered it but it was maybe not all that unusual for her to be in that state. She did found the weed she thought she had lost. It was in the bottom of her bag. We had thought about suggesting that but we thought we had been a sarky cow enough.

Certainly lots and lots going keep her at arms length. Every now and then she will demand answers about us and we had a go at explaining the DID and she was quite sweet actually but that didn't mean much between repeatedly asked how long we had been sitting there, if she had been home and where her bairn was sometimes to. She was a lot more likeable when she was knew where her bairn was and it varied through out the time she was here. We made a joke about it as best we could. It was kinda funny at times but its kinda boring to being in company in that state you can't get them interested in anything. She would try sometimes though.

We don't want to just write about the new pal though. What we really want to write about is Lolly. But we pretty much still can't. She's amazing. Always was. So strong. We arn't joined up enough to be able to know if each other are telling the truth or not but some are saying she is safe and not just not being directly harmed but living and learning and loving.. That is one those ohmygod we can breathe again its been decades things..She was after the twins. I have no idea how long after. It wasn't the exact same abusers in the same rings but we were still there and it was awful but he wasn't there so we didn't have to be so close them hurting him any more.  But we were just states. So we have little idea about much that went on. We remember Lolly though and the way the babies would bring us back even when we really didn't want them to.

She was there last summer to. It was heartbreaking that we found it so hard, just impossible to be anything vaguely adult sounding around her. We had needed to be little to protect her as best we could and be able to find her some where safe and stuff happen and decisions were made between the two of us that we would have to stay like that and it was okay. She loves us. Pretend grown ups can come out at other times but not when we with Lolly unless they really really must. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful and we will always love her.

Thinking about her always makes us take better care of ourself. She was just always good at looking after us and we could never not feel pride when we looked at her.






July 06, 2017

Thursday

Mornings.

We a bit better. Played the game a bit last night and enjoyed it. Must of not had too bad dreams.We are still in bed feeling like we can't do anything and the crappy repetitions and unnatural internal loudness is still pretty high but we don't feel quite so physically weak and all vulnerable. People who are not physically close don't feel so so far away as much. They feel real and loving.

 Forgot a pill earlier on in the week and are a bit achey but we had a bath, had clean clothes to put on, made some pasta for our supper and now we are comfy and in bed. The new pal has shared her weed with us so we are not without when we would of been. Might not of had at all since she is the one with the contacts. She scarily into pills. We asked how the hell she pooped she said she didn't. That she had gone months in the past. We mentioned that could kill her to. We are like that. I wish she was a bit better read about the dangers in what she's doing we only vaguely know a wee bit and we don't really feel up for attempting to educate an adult in how not to kill themselves. Really hope she goes to see some kind of addiction person who knows about pills and can give her the basics.

Gives us mixed feelings of course and we struggle to identify when she talks about problems just "going away" with drugs, that's not a fantasy for us unless things are particularly awful but what know we crave is using weed and drugs to help us remember and explore them safely. She offered us Tramadol. We don't like Tramadol. Writing this we remember a phone call between an us and a tool. He asked why we said to some other tools years and years before that we felt different about it. Think what was happening is that they were asking parts for information to keep the whole system vulnerable and non functioning, specifically they were trying to get us/her to agree to long term drug addiction but there was to be some choice over what drug that was to be. What ever bunch of tools they were they either had no idea what they were doing or were dealing with a particularly integrated us because we had no problem with any of whatever they were pulling working or giving them bull shit that would please them and do the least damage to ourself then and there and in the future.

During the phone call to the British dude, it was British stuff we told him how the drug addiction wasn't going to work full time because the only drugs we would be interested in taking full time and long term would be ones that did not incapacitate us, were not physically addictive and helped us deal with the contents of our head and that wasn't going to work from their end because the whole point of allowing us drugs would be so that we would be physically incapacitated, become physically addicted to something so they could use it's access and withdrawal to force us into stuff and never be able to deal with what us and was happening to us. It was exactly what they did to children and besides when they had forced drugs and drug addictions onto to when they had you locked up it made it a lot harder to enjoy or accidently become addicted to something when the control and violence isn't as absolute.

He said something half of us didn't here. Those that did were furious, disgusted or dangerously triggered so we hang up and went back to bed.

We couldn't sleep right away though. We were a mess. Eventually it broke and we wept and as we explained to the person who was that it was good. It was actually relief because we had gotten so much more of us out from under the Brits. So glad we were not alone, alone with a slaver or a slave who hurts other slaves. It must of been after when we got back from Europe after seeing people we had to end all communications with twenty something years ago or we would never of had that safety or privacy or comfort.





July 05, 2017

For Lolly.

Antidepressant withdrawal is maybe a factor in particularly crippling depression even with the weed over the last couple of days. We forgot this month unlike most months where we have to put in for it twice. Garden is barely getting looked at and its been quite nice today so that's a shame. Spoke to the chemist and the prescription should be available tomorrow so hopefully we might have more of a chance of pulling ourself up a bit and appreciate how much work we have done a bit better soon.

We. Can. Remember. It is fucking momentous but of course we don't care so much about that because it's so awful and we knew knowing more about why we feel and act the way we do was not going to make it all radically and instantly better. We would be left in the same place in the same body with one less crutch and as much as we hate that particular crutch more than any other we knew we were still gonna end up on our arse which is where we are.

But we can think a bit about all the forces, rings, gangs, networks, powerful individuals and nation fucking states that have and are heavily invested in us not being able to write or talk or think about our Dad, or Mum, our sisters, our friends, our husband, our other children it is kinda remarkable that we have done it.  There will be stranded tinys in very dark cold places what will be petrified and we know thats an important this now to. There was so many of them. We never have time to reach them all. Some are able to follow something and crawl out by themselves but others just wont without some else here but we think we can probably cover them if the worst came to the worst and some "they" or other came for us.

The heads of the horror stories, the ones with the real powerful connections and knowledge head out to get their new instructions, their new network maps but there is nothing left where they are headed but information about what went on there, some details on how it ended and a shrine to the victims. Seen as its all Supremacist down here and no one but abusers talk to us few people even know they exist and when we tell them there is nothing there they are incapable of believing that could even be possible. I do know how much work or success we had in trying to make sure as many of them as possible believed their presence was requested. There wasn't even anything we could do back then to make sure they never came back we had to wait and hope some one would find out and ask us the right questions. Which they did. Thank fuck. It's not like they were just involved in slaughter and enslaving Earthlings they were involved in it other places to where there wasn't any liberalism or politics, pretendy or otherwise or any hope or freedom of any kind.

It's different now though. We are not alone like we are here in other places. Shit gets done and stays done and generally people and forces and networks and everything are pretty decent to us. We did have to say that there was things they needed to know that they would have to push to get out of us and thats wasn't pleasant but we told them they had to and it was necessary and worked and we were cared for well after.

Love you Sweetie.