..dear reader..

Theres a holiday/Westcoastaphile piece that I've started but isn't ready quite to go back to yet.  I loved it but on benefits and with no car it wouldn't be possible to live there.  I'm giving serious thoughts to phoning child protection before the next crisis.  Wee man is going to be 5 soon.  The memories are still coming, they are becoming more detailed, more of a sense of how I felt.  I've also remembered a husband and got in touch with some of my sexuality.  I know his name and but haven't googled it yet.  The 'married with 2 children' bit always hits me hard.  I don't know how this is going to effect the relationship between us and my family.  It takes a lot out of me being with them.  I know parts of me has wanted to spend time and space with them as a way of staying in touch with whatever I lost at there hards.  Parts of me that chose to be hurt by familiar predictable people than have hope and have it smashed so irrevocably...

So the twins are in. A bit late they were literally like beansprouts by the time I got back from my mum's. I'm having the whole infinity with it again. Feeling for them. Not sure about the led though but only time well tell. This is Scotland remember, not much of acceptance of medicinal benefits of banned substances. I feel writes growing in my mind. Little capillaries linked what I was, what I am and the kind of life I used to dream about. Maybe that's why I dream about the Glen so much. Getting so close to the contours of pine forests, the hit from rhododendrons. Something happen in my when I spent a lot of time outside an moving around out there. I feel in love with the rural landscape and it made me feel like a poet. Still want to punch middle sis if I see her for more than a day and a night. She keep repeating in her usual style when drunk, that she 'loves' her nursing work. I'm glad she is getting on better with her two. She still turns into...

My mood got better yesterday probably because the actual day of my birthday brings a bit of a break in the tension. Saturday was pretty awful though, no money, no cards or wee pressies in the post all those memories of friendless birthdays in the past. Today started pretty awful though, dreams about a tiny baby that someone had left, I let on older woman look after it. Then I heard crying when I went followed the sound I found the baby at the bottom of bath full of water. I scooped her out and turned her over to get rid of the water, before long the baby was a plastic glow in the dark skeleton that I felt there was no point in carrying around. I can still feel the little warm body close to me. February is more Haloweeny that October ever could be, everything is so bleak. After feeling grumpy for a while I went back to bed and had a word with myself. We didn't resolve anything but we decided on the necessary things to do, feed, wash and cloth boy which I did happily. I wa...