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Showing posts from 2014

December 2014. Still.

Not long.. apparently..

Hope so coz the house needs cleaned. Would be great to get it done by the new year because January sucks for people in general but for folk who are over their heads in trigger dates there are whole other levels of misery and of course after January comes February.. Hope to spend it nicely medicated and stop feeling guilty about being 'altered' we are never more 'altered' than when our blood is clean of anything, what with the PTSD, the programming, the triggers and the knowing.

Some of us will never believe you are coming back. The rest are frozen. There is just rubble and dust here how are we supposed to build anything with that? We are too busy scrabbling about for day to day survival.. Whilst feeling guilty for having things so good materially. We can afford to buy wine and gas on the 29th, or rather we have cash to buy wine.. Debts are truly insult to injury.. Oh sweet ignorance, wouldn't it be lovely.. If the only thing that would bri…

Bright eyes.

Ow.

Its quite sharp at the moment and has been for a few hours. If it was a shape some of us would say a big curvy blobby orangey red, others spikey in cold blues and white. Others think yellow because of its association with cowardliness. The cowardliness of those that caused it  more than the weakness it causes in us.  To 'me' at the moment its the colour of his skin, its the ache of a phantom limb, the weight of how it feels to be bought and sold, to be less than livestock. Its the pain of being tortured from infancy and still being able to bond and knowing how that bond will need to be destroyed by everyone around us from those than gained the most from slavery, to the managers and fellow slaves.  They all saw us as something that can not be. Every second of love, of pride turned the world charcol grey with hate.

It's so far from over. How can we let anyone near us after knowing what it felt like to be touched by someone who knew us and looked up to us.. Someone who w…

Named another fucker.

Weeping. Pointlessly and continuously.

Winter fucking solstice.  Its only to be expected. But those words dont come from a safe place or a caring person they come from ring members, telling us what to expect more importantly telling us what they will say when we meet them when we trying help ourselves, when they are in their day time postions in charities, police, counsellors and therapists.

Remember that politician in St Andrews. Him and a bunch of others standing in the door way, telling me not to talk, not to name him. We said 'OK' I think, feeling quite strongly that of course we bloody would. Physically I couldnt move but mentally and emotionally I was fine, the scared parts were well back. They looked like such a bunch of pathetic tools. Whatever had just been done to me and whatever was going to be done didnt change the facts. They were proper low lives no amount of careers, money or supportive contacts would ever change that.  I'm a decent human being. They are cu…

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotiona…

:-(

Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

'Mummy'

Fabulous Gabapentin not so fabulous today. Pain pretty bad. Well it is the first of December and yesterday was St Andrews day.  Someone posted something about the St Andrews cross looking painful we just scrolled on, wishing we answered 'yes we can confirm that' or blocked them.

No work on statement tonight not after last night which pretty much forced ourselves into it and then dissociated, in a 'shit where are we and where were we before that' it didnt last too long we have a just below the surface part that finds that shit amusing because it challenges the sense that we are just weak, lazy and making it up.  It creeps some of us out but it also helps avoid anxiety which is kind of a life saver.  Inquiry have said they have said they are going to send on the details of the support. What a laugh that will be.

Verbalising today. 'Mummy' Seeing the murder of young girl. When I had one bed on one side of the room and another, think that makes us about 14/15 in 7…

Goddam Press

Not wanting to cut. Just weepy so we are here with Pinky Pie and a duvet more House on Netflix colouring books on standby.

Works doesnt it? The talk of children's toys and colouring. Childlike behaviours means we can't be trusted and makes you feel a bit ichy. Good old fashioned 'otherness', adult rational, child irrational.

Obviously not in a place where headlines bring relief, a sense of light being spread on the darkest corners of our society. Just triggered. A well planned beam putting whats outside that directed glare even further into no where land, a pitch blackness as thick as soup. More mentions of Exaro on our timeline, another unfollow.

Buckingham palace, the possible murder of a Scottish bloke stuff like that doesn't just 'come out', there is total control in the media over anything vaguely relating to Royals and the high level white abuser networks. Stories are timed for release, worded to cause anxiety and hopelessness in victims and survivor…

Lego Captain Jack (rotten, rotten through)

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.

 We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came back and he said t…

No one is free unless everyone is.

No one is free unless everyone is.

Then why watch the porn when you dont know or care how it was made. What happened to children to put them on paths that gratify you when their hairy bits eventually grew in to be shaved off again.  How the directors and producers pressure, blackmail, drug and steal to get whatever they want.  How they started us very, very early, telling us 'this is what your for, someone has to do it.' You like to watch strangers have sex, everyone does it, its an evolutionary thing,  for all you know they do get pain and are allowed to say no just like your boss takes no for an answer so what's the problem?

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you dont care that your anonymous masks trigger people who were hurt most by the systems, organisations and individuals you claim your fighting, people that have a lot of insider experience and knowledge about those systems and individuals. Your camaraderie means way more than us being raped by  people wearing …

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough…

Fuck it 'viaduct'

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...
It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked…

'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating …

Saturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..
With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Complete…

Happy Littles

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any mor…

Love the good bits.

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arrives and wrapping it w…

Do not read lightly..

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving…

..November..

Bloody buses.  They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town..

Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'.  Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self.  It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention.  She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us.

Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent fem…

Never sleep again

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Some…

Chronic

Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?
We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up…

Why give it away?

It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again.  They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us.
It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat…

Herded.

After the stuckness with the Jersey statement recently things moved forward last night. Weed. And all the effort we have made over the years to understand what was going on so I could limit the damage, to figure out and work towards organise ourselves into something that could figure out a way and then do everything that involved. And the new setting and all the changes that is brining, positive stuff and becoming much more confident in our system and it's stages. ..
We have talked about going to Jerset with Savile, La Vell, and know there was others via small boats. Little fishing ones or leisure boats, aeroplane and of course there is all the being hidding in cramp dark places and being transported ans being pulled out cramped and nausous. 
But there is also a strong association of being transported in bigger boats with lots of other people. People known through all the various abuse and crime networks. Victims. People denied voices and documents. Care kids.  People labeled mad et…

Little by little

Really should stop putting triggers in as titles.  It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug..
Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding..
Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and  pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.  
Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for no…

Jersey draft

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The M&Ms are done,  wine & pringels have been opened as has the statement.. Gonna need more weed. Took us 6 grams just to get to a place where we could open the friging envelope. 


It needs a lot of work. Very young simple damaged part doing the original speaking trying to push her way past the programming. All that physical pain and unmet needs I can hear her in every word  of it. But she isn't strong enough to do this alone. Why should she she wasn't the only one of us that was sent out there.
There is only about 6 pages there, think we can add to that, barely a paragraph we would leave as is though.
...

Title

Morning world,
She is getting the house all lovely for us it's really exciting.  It's a lovely house in a lovely place and we have been so scared about what bad things were going to happen because we were so happy to be here.  It's getting better now are there has been enough bravery to make decisions about changing and getting rid of stuff.  We love it when all the outside kids are here but I know big us needs to get lots done and that their gran wants to  keep them. We think they should stay here with a dog and some cats to! But it is so nice for big uses to get used to  felling good and be happy to be busy.
The parts that are not very good at sharing the brain and body are getting better. We know it's horrible for them to feel and see what it feels like to live through just extreme bad stuff. And they know how much better they feel and how safer we are when we are all connected and as ok with each other as poss. 
..gonna just post that as is .. :-)

Sunday morning call

Tea with the family ended rather prematurely. She causally mentioned that kids were going up the road for few days.  Their dad had spoken to my dad and has moved back in so they have somewhere to stay.. If she had done it with a bit more tact or shown a bit of concern for our health, with all that we have done and have to do, with the house & kids it would of helped.  
We got upset.. Spider monkey came in and I said i didn't think we should discuss it at the moment. Mum said we should. I don't think it's appropriate for six year olds to overheard allegations of sexual abuse or them being denied by close family member. 'What about my feelings mum? You heard what we said to social worker' But it's the usual.
 Saying that I want to stop them going up there when they love it, saying he is there dad he has rights and that they will stay out of grandad's way when he is pissed. That she offered to meet him with the kids and she offered to go back up to take them…

Newness and oldness

It would be much easier to type this on an actual keyboard with a monitor instead of this wee screen but would have to negotiate several boxes to get over there and much comfier here in bed anyway with the pain.  It hasn't been too bad, the odd day here and there rather than proper chronic.  At the new docs the other day and he kept saying 'anything else' we couldn't think of anything.. Until 10 meters out of the surgery and there it was, aya fucker.. 
So much to do. Which we are actually likely that, the kind of work that is rewarding because we will be living with and enjoying the results everyday.  A lot of Laura's we can't throw out yet but don't really have space for and none of rest of family are remotely interested. Her oldest said he would come down for her ashes but hasn't, hasnt helped our here as promised either. 
Psychosis was down last weekend, she visited mother in hospital and then asked me if I had money cause she fancied a Chinese but cou…

September

A no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic.
Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September. 
The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school.. 
Either way it seems this place is ours a…

We will see

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.
 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 
Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!
Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With th…

Things we are mostly not going to say to mum..

The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on.  I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way.  There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there. 
I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other.
I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms with …

Later sis.

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:-) xxx

Alkysis

Going to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.  
The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes. 
We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for.  We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I sai…

Rotten, rotten through..

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So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.  
You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. Th…
"You are a major pain in the arse!"
"Actually I'm just a lieutenant."

Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him an…