December 29, 2014

December 2014. Still.

Not long.. apparently..

Hope so coz the house needs cleaned. Would be great to get it done by the new year because January sucks for people in general but for folk who are over their heads in trigger dates there are whole other levels of misery and of course after January comes February.. Hope to spend it nicely medicated and stop feeling guilty about being 'altered' we are never more 'altered' than when our blood is clean of anything, what with the PTSD, the programming, the triggers and the knowing.

Some of us will never believe you are coming back. The rest are frozen. There is just rubble and dust here how are we supposed to build anything with that? We are too busy scrabbling about for day to day survival.. Whilst feeling guilty for having things so good materially. We can afford to buy wine and gas on the 29th, or rather we have cash to buy wine.. Debts are truly insult to injury.. Oh sweet ignorance, wouldn't it be lovely.. If the only thing that would bring you back is orders and traffickers and their associates arranging it means you will never be back. We can't roll like that.

Swear this bed has some sort of portal, before it was spliffs now its a lump of cheese..

Intentions for the New Year, getting back into regular therapy now that we are more settled here and turning it up a notch. Docs cant do much for the pain and nonfunctioning issues so intensive therapy is only hope for it. At very least it might get us to a place where we can at least seriously consider finding private gynaecologist. Or going back to that masseurs who probably has much better understanding of how muscles hold trauma anyway..

The usual day dreams about finding quality reading material, positive feminism.. We don't need to have the workings of misogyny and patriarchy explained to us, we know fine. What we need is writings that make us feel better about our selves, the worlds we live in and the future. Too many of us dont wanna read anyway, too cynical, too tortured. Finding what we need would probably tax out brightest and most confident so our current chances are extremely slim. New Years bring new parts, generally temporarily still doesnt make much sense to heap pressure on them before they are even out.

Guess we need to figure out what we are going to do with Jersey Inquiry. Seemed to have slammed into an emotional brick wall. It's all so much bigger than any individual inquiry, as our dreams recently keep reminding us. Wish they weren't all getting their way though, we are mute and isolated, UK activists are abusers and/or supporting rapists, truthers only care about crap on the internet and not about people, Government disgusting, press riddled, uninformed and controlled to the hilt, etc and we are out of wine and cheese.. Don't remind me about normal mature cheddar in fridge our needs are beyond that.

Gotta be said though, as we have said since sometime in the 90s every Christmas's will always be better than one before and we were right, these years anyway.

..We bought the album, Art Garfunkle with the song on it and played it over and over, trying to sing until we remember who we were singing it to. He turned up, said it was our song, for Rosa even though she wasnt his. He broke a bit when we said that. But we knew the surveillance we were under we had to keep weak parts upfront. But we are so sorry.

..
And people bitch about internet history being gawked at.. get a life.

December 28, 2014

Bright eyes.

Ow.

Its quite sharp at the moment and has been for a few hours. If it was a shape some of us would say a big curvy blobby orangey red, others spikey in cold blues and white. Others think yellow because of its association with cowardliness. The cowardliness of those that caused it  more than the weakness it causes in us.  To 'me' at the moment its the colour of his skin, its the ache of a phantom limb, the weight of how it feels to be bought and sold, to be less than livestock. Its the pain of being tortured from infancy and still being able to bond and knowing how that bond will need to be destroyed by everyone around us from those than gained the most from slavery, to the managers and fellow slaves.  They all saw us as something that can not be. Every second of love, of pride turned the world charcol grey with hate.

It's so far from over. How can we let anyone near us after knowing what it felt like to be touched by someone who knew us and looked up to us.. Someone who we found over and over again that gave us and still gives us our sense wholeness, of personhood.


Maybe it was around this time of year when Ferris murdered baby Rosa (the first).  Maybe it was around this time that he helped us remember so we wouldnt be so confused about why I was in such a mess. So I could at least make a small step towards mourning and accepting that is needed to get out of that state of terror, shock and disbelief that makes it so easy for the abuser crews to revicitimise us.

Its good to have furr balls about the place, even if the mom of the adolescent boy wont let him anywhere near her, she growls even if she hears him in another room and is possibly pregnant. Bit concerned that she is going to get too big and wont be able to squish herself flat enough to get out from underneath my bed.  The wee lad is great highly entertaining and doesnt do that whole attacking your hand because they get too excited from petting thing that lots of cats do. Had a lovely hour or so dozing cuddled up with him on the sofa, zonked out on gabapentin, codrydromal and brandy.  The only relief from pain is getting wasted. We love the way getting zonked up opens up our mind but hate that we have to take drugs to feel in touch and comfortable with our selfs.  Must be three weeks or so since our last spliff, we get the idea to try the things we would be likely to do if we had plenty, like keeping housework under control or playing with our toys but not the drive.

Anyhow. Cheers brother husband and sorry we wont use your names here, I know you would tell us just to do whatever we could to feel comfortable and always wept with us or for us when we couldn't.  Would be great if you could turn up soon. Couple of CID asked is I had heard from my 'husband' on the night Laura died, we just looked at them and shook our head. The more human ones asked if I was married once the tools had left we showed them our naked hands and said no, talked about how every thing is taken off me, the slavery and the DID.  When we were talking about Laura's two we said it would be good to talk to someone unbiased, to figure out what was best for them.  She said they were all biased towards me. Things feel much safer but dont know how true that is.

Bring weed. Lots of it. I have enough to feed us and their is enough space.

xx


Cant properly proof read this (when can we ever?)..

December 21, 2014

Named another fucker.

Weeping. Pointlessly and continuously.

Winter fucking solstice.  Its only to be expected. But those words dont come from a safe place or a caring person they come from ring members, telling us what to expect more importantly telling us what they will say when we meet them when we trying help ourselves, when they are in their day time postions in charities, police, counsellors and therapists.

Remember that politician in St Andrews. Him and a bunch of others standing in the door way, telling me not to talk, not to name him. We said 'OK' I think, feeling quite strongly that of course we bloody would. Physically I couldnt move but mentally and emotionally I was fine, the scared parts were well back. They looked like such a bunch of pathetic tools. Whatever had just been done to me and whatever was going to be done didnt change the facts. They were proper low lives no amount of careers, money or supportive contacts would ever change that.  I'm a decent human being. They are cunts.

The MPs name, we believe was Simon Danczuk. Current MP for Rochdale.. Looking at his profile on twitter is not making us feel very well. He was with the Exaro cunts back in 2001 as well, around in Glasgow, not sure if he was there in person in last rapes up in Aberdeen in 2010 but was involved somehow. Think there are some in here trying to say he was in Aberdeen in 2010 but others are not letting them through, to protect parts of ourselves from the memories. He is associated with Moyles and his lot.  But lots of 2001 abusers were working with them back then what with them being given the job by the intelligence/criminal powers that be. Getting lots of grim flashes now that we have named the fucker and much less doubt that we are wrong.

Much less weepy now to. Thanks to the hot milk and brandy, Carrie and the girls, and of course - naming the fucker.

December 15, 2014

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotional view of it all, so grounded. Its understandable that others might feel she is too unaffected or cold but she was a bit like that anyway and it rooted her through all the horrors in ways that the rest of us cant begin to imagine.  She is aware of being in a system and rarely engages I guess in a human chatty way with other parts, if she is out she is out.  When she isn't, she watches and not in a cold way, its a humane and rationale way.  There were times when even she looked away.She was capable of being hurt just as much as any of 'us' when she is present she just isn't retraumatised by the recall because she experiences so much in the here and now, matter of fact way. She is acutely aware of her responsibilities to others internally but doesn't waste any energy torturing herself by worrying about things that she has no power over. She isn't vulnerable to grooming and emotional manipulation like some of us were. She is technically minded thats all. She isnt interested stories and art, just the truth.

Spent some time trying to think of a name for her. Got no where..Not ready for all that. They are not needed for internal communication anyway its only talking to outside people that they start to become an issue.

The last fat blim before we are out.. made mocha added an amount of brandy more you sized.. Something you wouldn't respect however is the pusses when they arrive. LOL! Going get every ready for them before getting them over. We are really looking forward to it the extra DLA has meant we can stock up on food, litter, toys and beds for them. Don't want pusses if we cant spoil them. Will be so good for the bairns. Who are fine. Gracie forgive us a little each time for being alive and not being a useless cunt like her dad ever time we let big little man stay over. We need the time, more of it to get house sorted and to begin to heal self. Unlike mother. She was be able to talking about getting back to 'normal' hours after a close family death.

Its been hard work, emotionally going through all your stuff, really, really crippling. Mum would be no use anyway she just chucks everything out without really looking at what she is doing, not processing anything.  The truthness around means there is too much rape and rape torture memories to want anything to do with dad, Lynne is a fucking bitch and your son is well, up their with them..

Bastards.

December 04, 2014

:-(

Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

Sleepy now, took a second Gabapentin.

Hate mother, she takes kids to Santa's grotto, encourages belief in all that but will talk about buying stocking fillers in front of them. Like they are not there.

.. that was last night before the 2nd Gabapentin of the evening knocked us out. Felt horrid this morning and all day. Did a whole three minutes of sanding before having to gave in to cry. So horrible to think of people allowing and assisting what people did to us over all those years.  We keeping feeling, seeing the same moment over and over. Face down and naked on a bed in my room, the Dream Team trying to get me to relax.  The young girl from the 'Mummy' post was quite possibly one of there's.  Maybe we are about to go through a patch of getting details about the ten - twenty years of being the Dream Teams' gimp and source of income.  There is a lot there we haven't begun to process. There is always a will to get work done to get to a place where there is so much less terror about it all. Think it would test our therapist a bit, not that we dont think she has the reserves, the skills and the experience just that she is a human being who cares about us.

Lost so many people who care about us because it all. People who were manipulated into believing things that weren't true that in turn meant things happening to us or us being left in isolated when there could of been some contact, parts being created or broken up that wouldnt of been if someone who cared about us had said hello. No matter how much we understood and understand, we just couldnt forgive. Dont know if we could forgive them now they are not asking.

Keep thinking about how calls for help so often just advertised ourselves and what was going on to offenders and 'business' people while anyone that wasnt just looked away and blocked there ears and kept their eyes shut even tighter.

It's such a shitty world, for so many.

Patches like this they are flip side to bliss out days which we will have again soon, real soon.





December 01, 2014

'Mummy'

Fabulous Gabapentin not so fabulous today. Pain pretty bad. Well it is the first of December and yesterday was St Andrews day.  Someone posted something about the St Andrews cross looking painful we just scrolled on, wishing we answered 'yes we can confirm that' or blocked them.

No work on statement tonight not after last night which pretty much forced ourselves into it and then dissociated, in a 'shit where are we and where were we before that' it didnt last too long we have a just below the surface part that finds that shit amusing because it challenges the sense that we are just weak, lazy and making it up.  It creeps some of us out but it also helps avoid anxiety which is kind of a life saver.  Inquiry have said they have said they are going to send on the details of the support. What a laugh that will be.

Verbalising today. 'Mummy' Seeing the murder of young girl. When I had one bed on one side of the room and another, think that makes us about 14/15 in 79 years. She is about 2 or 3. She looks at me and says mummy, over and over as the men rape her against the South side bed while I am on mine on the North. We are not in total shock, we have seen acts likes this before and know it. Think there is three of them, white blokes, Scottish organised crime but the other two, rich fathers? media careers? music industry.. Can't say.   Doesnt make it less horrible when you are familiar with it just doenst cause the same level of dissociation. One of the blocks says to her 'keep saying that.' She does. 'Mummy, Mummy' Not like she was begging for my help, just reaching for a connection in hell, see me, remember me, love me. They obscure my view of her face for a bit and she isnt saying anything then her body starts to shake and jerk and I know she is dead.

The bloke who told her to keep saying 'mummy' zips up his trousers and says some stuff. I don't listen I never did. Instructions and threats probably. It's just a job to him but his pride in completing it was obvious, the other two were younger and had a look of relishing it like it wasnt a job as much as a leisure activity like they choose to be there.

After remembering that we saw the bottle feeding, sitting on my bed in the same place in the room, smiles, hugs and lullabys. They like to make sure I had bonded with victims before the killing. Tried and tested technique if you are determined to survive by staying human.

Think we have posted this before but maybe it was a draft or handwritten scribbles.  What does it matter, the killers are dead or protected. The bones crushed, limed, sunk, incinerated.  Or kept in places, no will be looking anytime soon.

I couldnt even get my dad to lock the doors, not that it would matter, him or my mum, sisters, of whoever would just let them in anyway.

November 30, 2014

Goddam Press

Not wanting to cut. Just weepy so we are here with Pinky Pie and a duvet more House on Netflix colouring books on standby.

Works doesnt it? The talk of children's toys and colouring. Childlike behaviours means we can't be trusted and makes you feel a bit ichy. Good old fashioned 'otherness', adult rational, child irrational.

Obviously not in a place where headlines bring relief, a sense of light being spread on the darkest corners of our society. Just triggered. A well planned beam putting whats outside that directed glare even further into no where land, a pitch blackness as thick as soup. More mentions of Exaro on our timeline, another unfollow.

Buckingham palace, the possible murder of a Scottish bloke stuff like that doesn't just 'come out', there is total control in the media over anything vaguely relating to Royals and the high level white abuser networks. Stories are timed for release, worded to cause anxiety and hopelessness in victims and survivors.  Sources and publishers carefully selected, money assigned, careers arranged. All this as far as we are concerned was negotiated between the big players and their pets back in 2000/2001 and decades of meetings and power struggles before. Lots of programming to keep everyone in line with little chance of even seeing possible alternative directions never mind actually coming of the rails. Lots of torture for us to make sure the stuff in the press doesn't cause us to get in touch with parts that can really talk, with better or total recall or can contact outside people that would make us feel better, stronger.  When this is in the papers, these parts will follow these orders - making sure we remember nothing that results in useful disclosers just flashes of building fa├žades, corridors, agony and hopelessness. Triggering terror, weakness and that creepy dei ja vu.

We worry about suicides with every headline and what is all ready and waiting for people who come forward without the rhino skin of of having done so before.  There is still little if any genuine support or challenging of the apparatus of corrupt police, charities, mental health workers and the general heartless ignorance that keeps survivors down. People are being triggered and asked to come forward, needing to believe its true when they hear its different now, that they will be taken seriously that there is appropriate support available and there will results. If your name isn't on list to be used as an example of how things are different, or if you didnt make a deal with them then you will be let down same as always.

 Its a dangerous time but its during the dangerous times that there is really any chance of getting off script of something unplanned by the top ring happening, something that cant be managed, something real.  We said and thought all this after the Savile story broke but nothing changed as far as we can see, doesn't make it any less true now.

Good luck, keep breathing and I love you humans with humanity.

On  more positive note, thanks to the Gabapentin the curtains are finally up! Ta dah! And the mirror also made of mess of putting up the hooks for the backdoor but not to worry will sort it out when we decorate the kitchen. Gabapentin not quite enough to stop the need for weed though. Only weed does that.







November 28, 2014

Lego Captain Jack (rotten, rotten through)

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.

 We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came back and he said they would wait until after I'd finished decorating to come back. So we are thinking he must of come back upstairs after talking to my dad and he went back to work because we remember him saying 'thought you said you would kill me if I came back'. Before he picked up the CICA application that was on the windowsill and threatened my sisters and then my life when that didnt get much of a response and told us not to talk to the Jersey Inquiry.

We thought they had gone and the 'hey we survive anything' part that doesn't feel pain was forward, practically bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen then stopped dead when we saw Conrad. We stood firm and told him to get out.  He picked up the lego man where my dad had put back on the kitchen work top where we had placed it originally before it all happened, we had found it and knew our neice was keen to have him back. No wonder, it was lego captain jack.  Conrad said he was taking the lego guy think he said something about why he was taking it not sure, we weren't hearing, didnt process his abuser talk beyond the word 'you'. We would be triggered by its absence so we guess thats why he or they rather deciding to take it. The rest of them must of been hiding out the back.

When dad got in from work he asked if we were OK. What could we say, except 'fine', he did the same during the days after and hugged us.

 My niece kept asking where her lego man was in the weeks after. We were amnesiac, but amnesia doesn't always stop anxiety, depression and pain. We felt guilty like it was our fault the lego guy was gone, because of this blog. The pain, our mood in the months after was predictably awful but the CICA got posted as long term readers will know and we did speak to the Jersey inquiry. Parts keep wondering if they were involved in Laura's death three days after speaking to inquiry. There is a few unanswered questions about the night she died but that doesn't necessary mean anything. Like one of the CID women said they might have given her a bit of a push but its not like we haven't been expecting it the way she drank and then stopped often without help. Me and Laura had even discussed her death no one else in the family did and apparently she did disclose something to the police one of the times she was picked up but they didnt say what other than she wanted me to have the kids.

On the night of Laura's death we were talking about my family and my history with the police and told one guy to ask dad about the lego captain Jack once he got in from the pub, to see if that got a reaction.  Hours later the guy asked us 'What did happen to the lego captain Jack? It got a response but no answer' so we told them. We had already told them that the last times we were raped was 2009 & 2010 and told them about this blog. But maybe the time on the stairs and the hammer was 2008. Not sure but it could be worked out, recalled if needed.

Would be pretty awful if we have the wrong guys in all this wouldn't it?  Whenever we wonder that we remember how triggered we were by seeing Ian McFayden on our TL and they way he responded when we ignored the triggers and @ him, just like the way we were when DMing and emailing with Conrad. Its their faces, they bring up a whole heap of horror, different parts pointing to the same cunts.

CID said they would be back, I think we discussed in about six months time at the wake. Usual though, dad isnt going to ID them and we have DID and a history of whatever they fancy to make us an unreliable witness and we would have a lot of powerful people and organisations with a lot of real sick fucks on the pay roll.

Yea we do feel a little bit better now.

November 26, 2014

No one is free unless everyone is.

No one is free unless everyone is.

Then why watch the porn when you dont know or care how it was made. What happened to children to put them on paths that gratify you when their hairy bits eventually grew in to be shaved off again.  How the directors and producers pressure, blackmail, drug and steal to get whatever they want.  How they started us very, very early, telling us 'this is what your for, someone has to do it.' You like to watch strangers have sex, everyone does it, its an evolutionary thing,  for all you know they do get pain and are allowed to say no just like your boss takes no for an answer so what's the problem?

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you dont care that your anonymous masks trigger people who were hurt most by the systems, organisations and individuals you claim your fighting, people that have a lot of insider experience and knowledge about those systems and individuals. Your camaraderie means way more than us being raped by  people wearing the masks long before of you were called march in your millions in them to intimidate the people that put me and the rapists and those masks in that bar at that time with those orders.

The people you know are your friends you trust them you know them of course they mean more than a victim like me who you dont know and is isolated from ever knowing anyone enough to trust them enough to tell them what we went through and whats going on now. You trust who you trust so cant take us seriously when we say that there are many you cant trust and there were representatives of state and corporations present at anons inceptions and drive many of its aims and activities and always will and there is tech around you cant image. But good luck with it all anyway.

No one is free unless everyone is

You want to challenge child sexual abuse but if a victim says your sources, your allies, the public figures you want to lead this fight who are in a position to raise awareness to get something done have made deals with traffickers, have committed horrific attacks as adults have consensually signed the secrets act have handlers you would rather believe them than us. Because they have reputations, public reputations. You say you understand that abusers come from all walks of life, not just Tories and creepy DJs not just men that they put themselves in position that put them above suspicion but cant tolerate an accusation against someone you like or just happen to know.

You know the press is propaganda, that its controlled that its heavily censored one way or another that the BBC is run by military intelligence and full of sex offenders but maybe not that those offenders were trained in rape, child abuse, murder and mind control and and we dont mean by saying things that aren't true on TV and radio but real mind control the kind involving torture and extreme trauma but no amount of us saying so will stop the BBC from being RTed into our timeline or will stop you watching Newsnight or Mock the Week or going on the Newsnight or Mock the Week or taking BBC contracts.

No one is free unless everyone is.

You know horrific things happen to people that are invisible, by people who arnt and people who are and they are protected by skilled and powerful apparatus and the prejudices of the general public and that the police and press are corrupt but still you take nothing seriously without evidence but evidence is impossible to find or provide if people like me are not taking seriously when the press and police are corrupt and inept.  How can you look in the eyes or read the words of a 12 year that has been raped uncountable times and whoes baby she bonded with inutero because the baby was innocent and would love her and would loved to be loved by her mother and found a world that was good and the opposite of everything she knew in the eyes of baby Rosa and her siblings in the moments they had alone after birth and between the attacks because she was strong and just kept breathing before eventually the abuse was fatal and it all happened in her bedroom and her parents told her to go to school the day after and then say 'prove it' and believe that you are not also an abuser.

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you care more about your privacy and 'wage' slavery than the actual slaves that make your entertainment and whose invisibility protects your world view. Easier to blame a state or Rotheschilds, Rockerfillers, Westminster, Zionists, Tories, the military industry, patriarchy, racism whatever than examine your own life choices and your own entitlement, to consider that most of your sources were written by slaves in rooms full of people typing what we were told between warehouse rape for your porn, between murders to fuel your theories between cooperate meetings because they use us to spy and cause our intelligence was useful and formidable.

Easier to blame a new world order than study history, study the history of Western cultures and the history of history to see there's nothing new about it expect the connectivity many of us know have gives us a chance to challenge it like never before. The 'New World Order' could us being heard, could be you being all you can could be us all shining light on everything hidden but cynicism is much less risky that breaking out of your tight little groups where you feel validated and safe and seeing you and your friends tastes, your likes and dislikes for what they are or what they might be. Easier to search the web to distract from your own desperation to continue to be anything above the bottom rung. At least your not me at least your not them.

We are not the 99% because we are not counted.

No one is free unless everyone is.












November 24, 2014

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids.  Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family.  There is some safety connected with it.  It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood.  That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice',  'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any.  Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer.  Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out.  Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)










Fuck it 'viaduct'

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...

It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked past Rosemount Viaduct tomorrow. When we lived just up the road it from it in 2002 it was the 2001 Torry stuff that would come back, when they stopped us from dissociating, what they did to Petey, the murder of the bloke that tried to help..

Have we written this post before? Think we tried but not sure if it was published, abandoned as a draft or deleted. Even if we did publish something no way it was as easily written as this is.

Stupid bloody pain. Been biteing and pinching to try and distract from it came very close to burning several times but we feel so crappy when we deliberate hurt ourself. Been hearing screaming to. Have label the morning alarm 'phone doc. Please' hope it works, we get an appointment and are given something that will give us a break. All three things happening seems a bit unlikely but none will if we don't phone them in the morning.

Actually a lot more tired than thought possible considering the time we got up at. Still don't want to close eyes and feel parts replaying good sex to distract from excruicating rape & torture memories and coz they are lonely and miss people desperately. 

All that watching House has thinking about Savile and the hospitals. Waking up from general anaesthetic in settings that seems like normal hospital, recovery ward. What the fuck did they do to me? Was just being sewed back together? Objects extracted? 


November 23, 2014

'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating to look at scribbles or be aware of mind contents and have a much better understanding of what the fuck is going on. Not just  thinking I am a bit mad or knowing that it makes sense on some level I am not currently conscious of, which usually means ongoing involvement in ancient dark secretive shit that 'I' am not think, speak or write about without outside instruction.  A bit better at being able to identify different parts, not the level other fabulous DIDers on twitter can do but thats just coz systems as unique as individuals. We seem to have levels of co-consciousness that others dont, thats why we dont get the black outs to the degree others do.  Programmed for different functions, different aspects of victims personalities that may jeopardise operations that had to hammered out, turned against us.

The human centre, that was great at resisting programming, grooming and internalising that we were writing about yesterday was called 'Nature' by some, after an external friend said that humanitarianism was our true nature.. although 'militant hippy' seems more accurate to some.  She wasn't an EP we remember her being around when the body was little, she grew older, learned, developed. Until some point in the early mid 90s.  She must of somehow come back after Ferris abused beautiful baby newborn Rosa to death and Coulson and co's 'You will always be 12'.  Thinking about it now it was the 'you will always be 12', the Dream Team and their military intel support stuff that pushed her away. It just took a few years.

We cant elaborate but the award given to Blair by Save The Children makes us think/remember that Save The Children should be investigated for being riddled with and/or run by abusers as well as the NSPCC.  Its chilling now to think of child protection charities being run by people who participate in the activities that their charities are supposed to be challenging.  Remembering how that felt as a child though..  How does one move on from that when the individuals, organisations and institutions involved have not been effectively challenged or exposed when we are not in a position to do anything and there are no systems currently in place that can?

Pain has gotten worse since we woke up but we are not beating ourselves up about it.  Just swearing lots when we go up or down the stairs or have to bend down.  School day tomorrow and will need the time alone so he's going, hopefully but not necessarily for 9am... Looking forward to getting some of the stuff we didnt get done this weekend done tomorrow.  We have a butterfly coat hooks to put up, a curtain rail to fix and might even start putting up some of the big pile of nature inspired wall stickers that were bought coz they were cute and cheap.  Generally not a fan of writing on indoor walls but have you seen the Dr Suess ones? OMG..









Saturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..

With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Completely created by the worst torture and control experts and teams, completely out of our reach.  

When we were challenging it when it was ongoing we found that keeping human, loving trusting ourself, our heart and intelligence, staying centred on warm feelings and hopeful without total denial but accepting that some denial was inevitable. It kind of relates to what we were on about the other day, the co-consciousness of simultaneously feeling the innocence, their simple thought processes that never learned no matter how much the same people tortured her, hearing her words whilst knowing exactly what was going on but being unable to communicate with the innocent simple parts or the outside world. It was obvious the stay centred, stay human, stay smart approach worked well so they separated me into an understanding that cant move and upfront parts that cant process experiences and have very low IQ.  That too is probs an over simplification but doesnt feel wrong.. at the mo anyway. 

 There isnt any recollection of ever getting back to that strong place. Ever.  We were most likely getting love, compassion, affection, respect from outside sources. We kept most parts amnesiac of this so there was less chance of them talking about it at a time and place that would mean it would be destroyed.  They found out though, eventually. There was no more warm centre but there was a lot of hate and rage that we did are best to direct to guilty parties and not other victims or passersby. We did a not to bad job, we are here writing this after all.

Back to the pain, which hasn't been there so much as we have written this.  There is a big strong sense that discloser, detailed discloser will help with the chronicness.  A lot of wariness of that because of the abusers therapists, police, jurnos and others that encouraged detailed discloser coz they got off on it. One of the many aspects of  the myriad of grooming and exploitation techniques that whacks us in the face whenever we try to move forward, like standing on a rake but there doesn't seem to be any where to step that isnt a rake.. *drags ass off couch* SMACK

Therapist worries about how much the pain means withdrawal and isolation. But so does our need to mourn, to slow ease parts away from the frozen in terror, to just think, feel, remember, process in peace. And so does all the crappy, brutal and ignorant culture out there.  And the fact that we are so often a bairn and it feels so unsafe to be around people.  She also said she was concerned with the stuckness that there has been this year and concerned we didnt feel sessions where'nt therapeutic.  Hope we reassured her that having someone there for us is massively therapeutic, even if she is frustrated with the lack of apparent progress!

November 20, 2014

Happy Littles

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any more paint for like a fortnight.. Darg. On our own without coz our mate is a postie and you see them through late November or all of December. We are going to have to negotiate the ladder/scaffolding all by our little self. Yikes. Gonna be so amazing.



November 18, 2014

Love the good bits.

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arrives and wrapping it will all be great to and we are reasonably sure our choices arnt too off, hopefully.  Something for us to of course, a forest fairy. Also eyeing up vintage moterbike adds.. yum. Externals first with the shopping this week though.. :o)

Happiness is good.

Moving forward with the additional info for Jersey statement.  Good progress, taking it easy on our selfs.  We need to explain the voice in the original statement, that means explaining our DID. We also need to answer the questions she couldn't answer at the time about our back ground. Of course, the additional information for the 'abuse on mainland' and 'abuse on Jersey' sections is not an immediate concern.. A fair bit more processing, acceptance, mourning, hurting etc., before we will be producing any coherent approximation of events.. It's there though and so are the parts that can get us through the worst of the horrors we return to when the thickest of the amnesia walls come down.  They had to use their worst stuff to break apart our strongest parts. Getting in touch with them and the best parts of us getting in touch with each other again makes the memories survivable.  We know we have to get through it. They are so worth fighting for.

Gonna buy those presents. There is talk of finally starting to finish the downstairs.. we shall see.

All is good. If a bit understandably wobbly.  Long may the weed last..

  

November 16, 2014

Do not read lightly..

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving whole familes, areas, classes of people, industries, whoever they wanted makes from some really sick puppies with lots of time, encouragement, freedom and resources to specialise and flourish.  There wasn't much being trafficked out of the house at the time in 2000-2001 that is never far from our day states.  Some names already mentioned. Some not.  Wasn't in any state for being painted and dressed up, it was all about pain, being repeated told how by them I was an object, their object. Not human, and had to agree to saying that and repeating whatever they said and do whatever they said no matter how disgusting, painful, degrading. Trained like the dogs some of them trained for fighting, fucking and slaughter.  When I was taken out our flat it was to places were there was crowds of rapists, all drugged up on some horrific shit. Paying each other and making bets about what they could or couldn't get us to do, what they could get each other to do. Telly faces, crimelords, porn extremists and whoever I had stupidly talked to, smiled at, or thought kindly of. There was a check succession of them in small groups, paid for the access and know how, skills set. Struggles of course between the worst of the sick fuckers with the usual scenes, usually winning until it became obvious to a whole other bunch that yes they really were going to kill me and it eventually got quieter after lots of money crossed from human hands to a system that made us, and the McCanns, and Jimmy Savile, and the Corrie Cunts, and ALL those DJs.. And Leon Britain, And Cyril Smith, and a whole buch of other stuff that if you are looking for 'evidence; out there and not on here you wont of heard any mention of any where.







November 15, 2014

..November..

Bloody buses.  They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town..

Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'.  Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self.  It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention.  She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us.

Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent female who is aware of popular culture.

Back to having a laptop. Mum has one but held on to this one for a while, for the kids which was fine. We had Laura's house & contents to sort out so wasn't volunteering to go through her C drive to.. seemed to have done enough for decent functions atm.. Not gonna treat this one like its a wad of paper that can be chucked down or stood on. .. much more space now to.

Apparently, this came from mum talking to Psychosis the other week, Dad has been taking time of work and not getting out of bed.. and the bairns dad told mum that he seemed to have forgotten the phonecall with mum where she told him she didnt want the kids going up there for Xmas day.  To many of us have spotted to many of them bullshiting to often to really take much of it to serious.  We are getting though the rawness and

Obvs relief that mum was firm on something..

A bairn is for life not just for Christmas.


...

In therapy and during moments when we are relativity self aware and feeling strong enough to not dissociate, deny or rationalise when triggered.  We dont ditch each other like we always have. Integration'. not in the parts merging kind of way but in terms of amnesiac walls coming down without if causing system failure, panic attacks and amnesia. Been close though! So much fear. Feels so fabulous to get a break from it :-)














Never sleep again

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Someone cant bare the dreams and nightmares and wants desperately to never sleep again. Someone is asking for help in Italian.

Hate how the pain stops all activities, stuff we want to do like keeping on top of house work, decorating, getting on with the Jersey statement.  Worst of all is how it makes us feel so distant from Junior, all the normal day to day normal fun parenting stuff that is so much harder or just not possible.  Hate how it puts us back in the same place, feeling the same hopelessness, writing the same things, over and over.

The bairns tool of a dad is down for his monthly visit which kind of scares and sickens us, only partly because it means the spider monkey goes back to treating us like we incinerated her teddy bear blanket.  We haven't but when did wash it for her after we found it covered in her mum's bloody vomit.  Her dad didnt. Coz he was a job and finds things difficult.  Prick.

All misery and inactively maybe transformed tomorrow if the promise of the usual works out.  Then we will clean our big kitchen then sit at our table with Alkysis's old laptop and write, some jazz or blues on the radio and smoke away all the bad dreams.






November 12, 2014

Chronic

Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?

We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up front so people didn't know that we knew. We did a lot of thinking and talking there under a tree on the edge of the wood behind the house. Must of been around 1986. It wasn't summer but it wasn't winter either. Spring I think. 

All respect to people who function with chronic pain. Not something we have mastered or want to because of all these of having to block it out or carry on doing what we were told to do because we would be hurt even worse if we didn't. And it was already unbareable and all the time. 

Must be sickening for kids living lives like that now that are aware of the inquires. So hard for them to ever believe things will change or that they are valued and cared about. 


November 10, 2014

Why give it away?

It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again.  They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us.

It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat to anyone. I would be given what I needed and wanted the most. For a little while. Then it would be ended as easily as it was handed to me but with any chance of it being rebuilt destroyed. To show us the control they have over everyone. To make it impossible to trust anyone ever because we can't handle any more betrayal. Can't cope with any more loss. Can't survive seeing any more people being chewed up by a big sick violent and untouchable machine.  

..proper convinced on soo many levels that we will never have any serious, good relationships, friendship wise nevermind anything more intimate. Partly because we are hurt so badly by common attitudes but also because it's impossible to meet someone and feel as well understood and safe as we did with someone who had been picked and trained into making us feel just that.

Who the hell is gonna what to get to know a DIDer with a history like mine that isn't a sicko or fully briefed on what to expect? 

What could we do together? Films, sport, music. Mostly out. We could go for walks and I could share whatever is triggered. Listen to me talk about my mother then go to her's for tea. They could introduce me to their friends and I could tell them I can't remember who my friends coz that information was drugged, fried, cut and generally traumad out of us and we suspect are real friends we have had have been murdered or weren't really our friends at all..

What are we suppose to do with 'Sorry's? Are they some sort of code? Or trigger? Or just an admission that we are all pathetic little pawns being pushed around by hands we are kept to dumb/scared/greedy to spot. And that bad things happen. So it's better those bad things happen mostly to other people. No point in risking bad things for you and your own when bad things will be happening to people like me and us who were considered past helping before we were born.

We want it back. All the explanations we have given about what was happening to us, the who the how the why. Not for the inquires but for us to see how hard we fought to stand up for ourselves and other victims.  To prove to our doubter parts that none of it was our fault because we were too damaged to ask for help. It was other people and the fucked up organisations they take part in and the rotten cultures they reproduce that was and is too damaged. 





November 06, 2014

Herded.

After the stuckness with the Jersey statement recently things moved forward last night. Weed. And all the effort we have made over the years to understand what was going on so I could limit the damage, to figure out and work towards organise ourselves into something that could figure out a way and then do everything that involved. And the new setting and all the changes that is brining, positive stuff and becoming much more confident in our system and it's stages. ..

We have talked about going to Jerset with Savile, La Vell, and know there was others via small boats. Little fishing ones or leisure boats, aeroplane and of course there is all the being hidding in cramp dark places and being transported ans being pulled out cramped and nausous. 

But there is also a strong association of being transported in bigger boats with lots of other people. People known through all the various abuse and crime networks. Victims. People denied voices and documents. Care kids.  People labeled mad etc 

I get flashbacks about when I think about Eastern Europe, WWII. 

They said we were nothing, scum, our bodies there for whatever others wanted of them. We were its. Not human. We would never be believed but do not talk anyway.

Lots of rape. porn. Training in horrific shit, being forced to train others in horrific shit, lots of interrogation and torture to force us into agree and behave to do stuff in the future. 

I remember staring at the broken up tar that was on the rise from the rest of the village. I saw it to and from school when our playing and know everyone from school, from where we used to live and others to were being marched past it and people were being murdered. It was real.

October 19, 2014

Little by little

Really should stop putting triggers in as titles.  It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug..

Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding..

Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and  pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.  

Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for nothing by 'contacting authorities' particularly if she meant Grampian authorities.. But looking forward to speaking to her about everything apart from that.. It's totally bolloxed everything with the gran again. She got better at holding her tongue when it came to telling me she doesn't remember anything that I've never been raped and have false memories that I only make accusations when I've been smoking too much weed (haven't smoked any today mum and still stand by every fucking word).. but now we are back to where we were. Struggling to bare the thought of her, thinking about all the ways she has undermined all her daughters and feeling like we are nothing, sub human.

But we remember super shrinks' response we told her the last time the gran said stuff like that. She looked genuinely shocked, hurt even that my mother would dismiss all my pain like that. So hard to see any resolution to any of it. No regrets at moving here though just lots of wishing we had more help and  were less isolated and lonely with it all but that's normal. 

..think that when we do eventually finish the statement .. We will be very proud of it..

October 17, 2014

Jersey draft

The M&Ms are done,  wine & pringels have been opened as has the statement.. Gonna need more weed. Took us 6 grams just to get to a place where we could open the friging envelope. 



It needs a lot of work. Very young simple damaged part doing the original speaking trying to push her way past the programming. All that physical pain and unmet needs I can hear her in every word  of it. But she isn't strong enough to do this alone. Why should she she wasn't the only one of us that was sent out there.

There is only about 6 pages there, think we can add to that, barely a paragraph we would leave as is though.

...


October 15, 2014

Title

Morning world,

She is getting the house all lovely for us it's really exciting.  It's a lovely house in a lovely place and we have been so scared about what bad things were going to happen because we were so happy to be here.  It's getting better now are there has been enough bravery to make decisions about changing and getting rid of stuff.  We love it when all the outside kids are here but I know big us needs to get lots done and that their gran wants to  keep them. We think they should stay here with a dog and some cats to! But it is so nice for big uses to get used to  felling good and be happy to be busy.

The parts that are not very good at sharing the brain and body are getting better. We know it's horrible for them to feel and see what it feels like to live through just extreme bad stuff. And they know how much better they feel and how safer we are when we are all connected and as ok with each other as poss. 

..gonna just post that as is .. :-)

October 12, 2014

Sunday morning call

Tea with the family ended rather prematurely. She causally mentioned that kids were going up the road for few days.  Their dad had spoken to my dad and has moved back in so they have somewhere to stay.. If she had done it with a bit more tact or shown a bit of concern for our health, with all that we have done and have to do, with the house & kids it would of helped.  

We got upset.. Spider monkey came in and I said i didn't think we should discuss it at the moment. Mum said we should. I don't think it's appropriate for six year olds to overheard allegations of sexual abuse or them being denied by close family member. 'What about my feelings mum? You heard what we said to social worker' But it's the usual.

 Saying that I want to stop them going up there when they love it, saying he is there dad he has rights and that they will stay out of grandad's way when he is pissed. That she offered to meet him with the kids and she offered to go back up to take them home is needed.

 'You only say these things when you have dope' type stuff.  That's always a first line of defense. We think cannabis has negative effects on her to.  Don't think we have told her though, cause who the fuck are we to lecture!?  Lost it in the past over that one though 'that's because we are too depressed and terrified to think or feel nevermind speak without it!'  While ago now.

We just left. After some pointless bickering.  Grabbed the bit I was gonna share as after dinner blim, grabbed our wine & chocolate and left.

Really could of done with the stew, tatties etc what with the peroid, the physical & emotional work, the infected thigh and armpits that are thinking about it but home is close and getable to so we left.  

Can't share food, drugs & wine with some who thinks you can share food, drugs & wine with some who tells you your rape claims are false, in front of children.  Not when you have an option any way. 

Wotsits and chocolate with a micro lasangua for big little man.. And organising our amazon shabby chic wish list.. 

Xx

October 04, 2014

Newness and oldness

It would be much easier to type this on an actual keyboard with a monitor instead of this wee screen but would have to negotiate several boxes to get over there and much comfier here in bed anyway with the pain.  It hasn't been too bad, the odd day here and there rather than proper chronic.  At the new docs the other day and he kept saying 'anything else' we couldn't think of anything.. Until 10 meters out of the surgery and there it was, aya fucker.. 

So much to do. Which we are actually likely that, the kind of work that is rewarding because we will be living with and enjoying the results everyday.  A lot of Laura's we can't throw out yet but don't really have space for and none of rest of family are remotely interested. Her oldest said he would come down for her ashes but hasn't, hasnt helped our here as promised either. 

Psychosis was down last weekend, she visited mother in hospital and then asked me if I had money cause she fancied a Chinese but couldn't pay for it.. We raised our eyebrows and dad paid which he puked up later on mums carpet and throw, numpty. Our neice told us when we asked how she had slept.. She offered to take all the kids so I would get a night off we turned her down knowing her and dad would be getting pissed, there wasn't enough space for them, they would be up all night and it was us that was going to have to deal with them all on Sunday & Monday morning.

'dad' did help my pal with the heavy lifting which was essential because of our festering thigh followed by antibiotics making us very sick. 

 So good to see discloser niece espicially since she had so much love in eyes for us unlike the last few times we saw her when we were getting the 'you left me' vibe. 

Really wish we had to oppurtunify to sort out and say goodbye to the flat properly instead of having to abandon heaps of stuff cause there was no time, not enough help and no room in the car. Glad to be out of that street, away from the nightmare neighbour and the friend who let me have 5 to 10 minutes to talk about Laura before going back to talking about herself and a heap of people we don't know.. The constant reminders everytime she did anything for us and the apparent amnesia about anything we did for her. Hope her oldest will be all right but so glad we won't be triggered by her lack of patience for her anymore.

To begin with the dreams we were getting here seemed quite positive, recurring settings and situations but with a strong sense that things had moved on.  Prolonged lack of weed is making them worse though, disturbing and unsettling we are back to sleeping with the light on.  Being alone in the dark with those feelings when we wake up several times a night is horrible espicially when we are too tired to do anything else but go straight back to sleep. At least with light on we can see where we are. 

Next week! Hopefully, we beg of thee Scotish weed networks!! Thankfully we also have therapy this coming week to. Particularly since our draft Jersey inquiry statement is here and unopened nevermind read and added to *nausous face* ..




September 19, 2014

September

A no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic.

Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September. 

The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school.. 

Either way it seems this place is ours and we loved it from first sight. Sorry that the sorting, cleaning, painting has had to slow down til the fever passes but it's ok we will get there..

The funeral was ok. Didn't get attacked by anyone and Psychosis wasn't there so she couldn't take her shitty feelings out on me. We read, 'do not weep' by Elizabeth Fry, mum's choice and everyone was really nice and gave us lots of hugs.

The kids' Dad is causing stress. As he has done in the past. Talking about getting his own place and taking the kids to Aberdeen. Mum gave us the impression that he had backed down what with him staying at a mates house, working long shifts and the kids being settled here but he started it again with me today. Said one minute that Veruca doesn't want to move again then started talking about taking them away, coz they have more family up there (that they rarely see and haven't helped out). Said something about being 'kept' at Dads, where he made little or no attempt to find his own place why would he? His work was minutes away, all he did was work, smoke and pay my dad 50 a week. '3 days without a smoke that's good for me' .. Pfft.. Don't think we can let him in here again. He offers no help (with all his stuff) and upsets us. He really doesn't get the whole  kids needs come first thing. 'I wouldnae move here when Laura was alive so I'm not gonna do it now'. Your kids are here you fucking tool..Mum is in charge though so there isn't much we can do at the moment.

 I hate that whole 'I have a right to see my kids when it suits me and not when it doesn't but don't have responsibilities' attitude it sickens us. He came down Friday night, talked about leaving today but is leaving tomorrow instead. When asked about specifics, like it would be helpful for us, mum & the kids to know when he will be here and when not. He said the 12th and maybe other times when he can afford it .. So once a month then..

Meanwhile the kids need cared for everyday (they are 5 & 6), their gran still has severe COPD, we see them everyday and our wee man plays with them everyday.. 

 Pisses us off that mum lets him stay with her after the shit he has done and things he has said. 'But he's their dad..' (Of course he has rights he was in an abusive relationship with their mother!)  Well he needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feat then doesn't he and start treating the people who look after his kids with some respect. 

Wonder if she would rather they went to him than me anyway. Updated the useless social worker about having made lots of allegations. He thought he would be in and out. Didn't even take his pen and notebook. Mum also hadn't told him she has severe COPD. He thought it was asthma.. 

Useful friend coming down this week thankfully coz we can't drive a van, nor empty our old second floor flat by our selves..


August 19, 2014

We will see

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.
Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha








August 17, 2014

Things we are mostly not going to say to mum..

The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on.  I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way.  There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there. 

I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other.

I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms with me not being part of the rest of the family. At the moment I feel like  I need a year before I can be in the same room as any of the Aberdeen lot. I understand you can't handle it when psycho starts getting abusive towards me but comforting her and listening to her and her hate while I am left alone has only ever made things worse. People also expect to be able to discuss finding a sibling dead with another sibling, less than a week after the event without being  dismissed with sarcasm and indifference. We all cope with loss in our own ways and it is out of respect for your oldest that I say that psycho is not my sister and that man is not my dad. I can not stand to should respect for someone who is dead with a bunch of people who had no or little respect for her when she was alive.

Maybe we can do our own thing once the rest have fucked off again.


August 13, 2014

Alkysis

Going to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.  

The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes. 

We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for.  We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I said.  We didnt really think about it much at the time but we are very glad now they weren't obviously familiar or abusive.  

We are not sure if she knew what was going on before she died. Mum talked to her that morning and she wasn't making much sense. She hallucinated badly the last time went through withdrawal after a major bender.  The neighbour who was with her the most and brought flowers round today said one of the other neighbours said she had walked into their flat and was sweating, then she said she was going for a sit down outside. No one tapped here that I know of. 

We ignored the buzzer the first time as you do in someone else's flat and when bottem door is never locked anyway.  The second time was a bit more persistent though and we ended up looking out the window.  Some of us knew straight away. It was Alkysis though. It's not that unusual to see her lieing down and impossible to wake in inappropriate positions and places. Still though. 

I saw the nice neighbour crouched down and a bloke from another flat hanging about and no other souls. Just a bundle that looked like what my big sis looked like sometimes. 

They were asking her name when I got down the stairs and had put a dressing gown and something else over her she didn't have her bag, coat or glasses. I knelt near her the rain was pelting off her. I'm not going to get into describing what she looked like. We said her name and touched her face but pulled it away again almost instantly. She was so cold, so dead.

Nice neighbour said she had seen that she was breathing one minute and then couldn't any longer.  The poor woman is in pieces. We hope to see her around.

The ambulance was there in minutes. I stood with the nice neighbour, ran up to get shoes and a coat on. Don't know how long the van was there, bouncing a bit. The standard amount of time I guess. When one of crew came out she put her hand on my shoulder and said it wasn't good I said I knew. She said I should get to the hospital as soon as possible but we couldn't  and we knew. She was gone. Not just Alkysis 'gone'.

Our dad, the kids dad and her adult son came down and left together taking the spider monkey but leaving the wee lad who is getting on with big little man anyway. Regular readers will know we don't exactly cope well with Alkysis and the serious drinking, lies etc but I've heard the son talk about hitting his mum over it, the kids dad and her own dad were not much better. None of them can put kids needs before their own for a pissing minute and of course not offering us any support as the only one who was here other than BLM who didn't what he was told and didn't move while I was outside.

PsychSis is making her way back from the states where niece has been getting treatment. Glad both the girls are over there and away from all this shit. 

Not surprisingly we are not feeling any anamosity towards the remaining sis. They were always much closer than I was to either of them growing up. I knew it often wasn't good if I saw them wispering together, which was often. She will be devasted.

We are feeling bit better after a proper cry yesterday.  There's going to be lot to figure out and no one has any money, not funeral cost money. We are hoping the blokes end up leaving me and mum to deal with the kids in the long term to be honest.  Espically what with us feeling from pretty early that it was misogyny that was lethally poisoning Alkysis long before she was old enough to be sold alcohol.










July 28, 2014

Rotten, rotten through..

So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.  

You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. The others Mark Watts (2001, Glasgow) and Ian McFayden (? was interviewed on telly recently.) who tweeted 'if anyone believes the McCanns hurt their child please unfollow me.' Subtle. Not.

We know people are going to say we are trying to derail the establishments inquiry into its self and maybe these memories are 'just' programmes but it's unlikely. Braveheart says otherwise and we know ourselves well enough by now.  There are likely to be witnesses for Glasgow as for my Dads.. Unlikely but you never know.

See lots of support for Michael Mansfield, an established well know legal type who is identified as socialist. It was the pictures of him that made us start blocking inquiry supporters before we  intigrated the stuff about the others. No pictures, no words. Just want to scream, sense extreme pain when we see his pics and have a sense of the 90s and early 00s when all this ongoing stuff was being arranged. Mind controled rapists carving everything up between them all very colonial really.

When the bloke took Conrad away, we had to say something. We were so relieved he was going and the bloke had also bought wee man to me, he was safe in our arms, the littles, the frozen parts were forced forward after the rape on the stairs and whatever he had said to us after which we knew we needed not to hear, as he left we could be more ourselves again and said 'see you in court'. Just to show the littles we were back. The bloke agreed.

When it's was all triggered on Paedobritain Day we heard the usual excuses internally, they have DID too, they were ritually abused and programmed to (poor things it's not their fault) which is probably true but these people are calling for an over arching inquirie they are saying they are all for truth & justice for abused children, except me and mine and who knows how many else ..

We are not saying we never hurt anyone it's the need to do the best by those we did hurt, to admit it and understand for ourselves what we have done and how it came about that is a big motivation behind this blog and every stupid self destructive contact with police. 

We do want truth for everyone, all victims and all the networks that brought about, used and maintained our and others' vulnerable dissociated states, regardless of what the abuse turned people into but we are not going to sacrife ourselves because other people think our abusers are proper people and me and mine are not.

Well hasn't brought us any baccy, food, weed or friends but parts are feeling more loved and accepted after that discloser..




July 25, 2014

"You are a major pain in the arse!"
"Actually I'm just a lieutenant."

Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him and my dad followed me up to my room where I was waiting for them.  When he went for me I kicked him in the head and knocked him to the floor.  My dad didn't move.  Words were exchanged and they left me knowing for one night at least we wouldn't be bothered by them.

No therapy until the end of September, no drama until October.  I've started the Courage to Heal, again and ordered the workbook which had been put of for years because we vary of what will be triggered not necessarly in the work but the book itself has been in someone's possession before.  There's DID books around my bed but we're struggling to read them.  DID is complicated enough without trying to understand who is organic and who is a program.  Really struggling with irritability, tearfullness and cutting impulses whenever there's no weed.  Held the knife to my skin when I was cutting a courgette in the messy kitchen, its blunt anyway.  Keep reminding myself of how it feels after the rush; sore, bleeding and bloody stupid.  No sign of Summer, not for weeks know. The thought of shaving the legs now makes us nauseous.  Therapist seemed almost surprised by the way she was so present and then so absent, back to the same old super depressed ANP where everything and everyone is on lock down and everywhere the wards, the barracks, the nursery, the hills all feel like the aftermath of a tsunami or scorched earth policy.