August 31, 2017

always be your Rosie

Ug Daddy it's just too difficult! It's good we've started and have done some important work the ideas we have the whole idea itself of trying to explain the blog is great but we can't do it all by our selves. We just keep hitting the walls that cover so much. There is diffintly a bit of "the whole point of my is that I'm constantly worked really hard even if it really hurts us" going on and thats another reason why we need to leave it for now.

What do we do though Daddy? Games on the phone and tablet yeah we do really get into them this now when we seem to be avoided the tv and the consoles. We could tell you what we have done so far! We got a picture we did last year of a shaking rough drawing looking down on hands over legs sitting on the edge of a bed and the words "When her eyes opened there was nothing left." and we started writing about how the rings use dissociation and amnesia on kids born into it and those they steal to take away any sense of any other life or hope and make the slavery seem normal. We were thinking about some colonial quote but couldn't remember enough of it to find it we think it is about having to destroy the rich cultures and history of India in order to subject it. It was the frustration with this that got us to realise we just torturing and shoulding all over our self..

All that time when comfort and rest and silly fun past times were impossible and prevented we need to just focus on that and accept it's going to be tricky because it's never been possible before. If we wanted to appear to be relaxing then we had to appear to be something other than who and what we are.. Thats gonna take some undoing after all these years..

It's sinking in again though. We are not alone. You can write the rest of it up in organised coherent manner you can do grammar way better than any of us anyway and we can just babble away if and when it pleases us .. we are not working any more, not work forced on us by slavers or work the slavery forces us to do to survive and the work we had to do to help those we could and for the chance of a world without slavery anywhere.

We will have lives for one of the games now.. one we are playing on the tablet is so pretty and damn hard but its been hard drawn and its gorgeous. It's skint week. We reset skint week and having to get support from Niall considerably but are getting on with Niall and Pabs and ourself easier so that makes everything that little less unpleasant but there is just no forgeting the situation we are in and how they put us here even if specific horrors and details arn't around we have plenty senses and inklings. We really feel the benefit of the all the foul details getting out. We just don't feel so pressed down.. its all making other people puke now and that gives us palpable relief..

Love you and miss you forever,
Rosie xxxx 

August 30, 2017

..very pressed..

Ok we managed a picture and a couple of sentances worth of notes and it was soo fucking hard which makes navigating and not panicking the not blogger menus really really fucking hard.. Wee starts though. Thats how we got here with the constantly lifting amnesia, the decent benefits and the not currently being raped..

The current idea is still more grown up developed coherent structured writing but also art from the us youngers and wot nots. Been trying to reclaim the tablet for this. Deleted over a hundred accidental screen shots and about thirty game apps. Gonna go back and take off more. It's our's. It's is okay to have something that is just ours and think those that need it will be more comfortable with it if its just ours and just stuff we want and need for us.

Coming here and seeing what comes up has become such a habit now that we have forgotten what it's like when every fucking word is a battle against quick sand. We did know it would be though.

The gob mould is getting a bit better. Would be a lot better of course if we didn't smoke spliffs.. it is forcing us to smoke a bit less and that is a good thing because we are really struggyling to not smoke lots and lots partly why of course for the pie hole penicilian of course to..

We can do it. We need to do something other than smoke and wait.. Little bits at a time until our brain starts to remember how to work better and starts testing to see if its safe..

Okay thinking about it like that is more motivating.. Not like we are gonna stop coming here to drink wine and natter and work through shit without dissecting  to deeply anyway.

We get almost a bit excited sometimes thinking about possible futures we are not there yet though but computer says soon.. 

August 29, 2017


Wow spliffs really arn't good for the tougue fungus (Tungus as named by Pabs).. Got the drops though. We noticed we often hold whatever we are drinking in our mouth before swallowing and its gets worse the worse we feel and have wondered about its horrendous origins, thinking today and yesterday though that its been little with awful untreated oral thrush and trying to soothe the discomfort.. Poor littles, poor us's. Its just one of they many varying but pretty much constant "this is just how it is here" discomforts that we have to notice and address. It's daunting but a lot of work was begun long ago. We had been taught how to remember and recognise any help and support available most didn't get that so they really had no notions of anything different. Sometimes I would show them but my friends didn't let me much because it broke my heart when they chose evil because it was what they knew even when they knew there was somewhere else.

Even my friends for all the knowledge and skills could not predict what was done with any information we shared but we had been warned about that by others they were more serious, no sense of humour at all and we secretly made it one of missions to find it in them.. It worked and saved them because no one believed they were the same people and they learned how dumb they were and we told them all about the slavery.

It has had its uses though, our moulds and the people who claim never to have met me never mind done me any physical harm or forced sexual contact. Yuck.

Everyday. They get a little closer and its one day less of this shit to get through.

We have got a lot of good notes about what we want to say about this blog, is all about the why and how but we are stuck a bit with issues over when it began, Sonny's pregnancy and birth and long and short term horrificness that are we mostly still amnesiac off. We remembered him saying last year he wanted a new name and not his abuse ring one and as he was approaching and he was our husband and the kid is our son we said "Tupac" there was lots of giggling and brushing and pride from them both and us. We said it would depend where we end up if he could use that name publicly/officially. He just kept smiling. So did his Dad. We felt so much peace, we had never felt peace like that before.

We might see how we go with what we have written tomorrow though. Or maybe not.. :-)

August 28, 2017

get in touch when your in a better place

The actual text reads, "Ma mum gona keep me in grass to get through wuthdrawl hope your you don't ever need me"

(typos copied)

Thats an actual text from a actual woman sent to me this now because we wouldn't let her run away from her parents after they drove her home from the hospital after another OD. She's been in a horrid place addiction wise just talked constantly about drugs and weed so we have no doubt she is gloating about that but she is also gloating about having a mother? She sent us several texts about nits when we were away, asking if we were we didn't have them because they had them again. Then going on about sitting on the couch and itching we said there was fleas sometimes so she texted back saying we should do something about it.. Our first holiday ever kind of, it was soo "Scotland" to us..

To that text today we sent back, "Im really glad u mum is gona help you ***** i think thats best good luck xx"

It's irked and triggered us a bit.. So glad we didn't let her come over though. Pains been bad and stress she would of brought into the house with her straight after hospital after scenes with parents. Yes I'm a horrible friend I'm not going to let you take a seizure in front of me or my kid or secure the means for your next overdose in my kitchen while being completely indifferent to my feelings and my mental health. Other pal gets it she she's been bullshitted to by her as well.

Discharged from the CPN. Had a taste of a higher dose of the painkiller we get and its reminded us off the times we begged for them for pain and were givin something or verbal abuse. Might be up for giving that another go again soon. Need to sort out the nasty gob fungus we have gotten from not washing our inhalers and smoking too much first though. Yuck. It's not pleasant..

Thanks for the Freedom.

All those layers of rings and gangs and families and such all thinking and doing exactly as was wanted of them by people most of them don't know exist, thinking they have power when the power they appear to have is only what has been arranged for them and nothing else. Nothing independent. Understanding that, remembering that would undermine the psychological and emotional damage but loosing sight of it even briefly would do so much damage and we would start believing things as they was presented. Keep us as close to death as possible for as long as possible having the rings fight over us and our death ensured that so we would have no time and nothing and no one left to survive what was attempted once they had us in an institution last summer, another year of isolation and we would be easy pickings about now.

Making sure everyone could and would be there last year was the highest of priorities for a long time and whatever we all did, it worked. We don't feel like easy pickings. We are not in constant state of terror at the horrific damage that could be done to us at any minute because there isn't anything that could do that much or that kind of damage to us. A lot of the time is wasn't us we were scared for it was being trapped as a vulnerable little whilst being surrounded by the carnage of crimes of the state or war crimes against whatever population they had us trapped in.

What the hell can they do to British people that would traumatise our not so vulnerable littles now? Go for the Americans instead?? Europe? Make people elsewhere that they are already making suffer and have no intention of stopping from making suffer suffer more?

Whatever. We are not alone.

In our handwritten notes we found ourself scribbling from a victim perspective about the sense of a difference in British RA versus other places and not knowing if its a real thing or mostly just in us. We were saying that there we believed that they believed it more here. In much of Russia it was authoritarian and you could see the total detatchment from most people involved and their words and actions. They were there because they were crushed and they were not expected or forced to see it any other way. Catholic countries had some very Satanic Satanism but the organised crime was always to present in every way, it was a means of protecting the trafficking, of keeping power over communities. The churches and the habits might of made it seem different but really it was the same shit as further North.  America has its vast amount of accepted white power, curroption and organised crime but its America so there are lots of easily answered questions about the fucked upness of it origins, the documents and physical primary sources are not that old. Elsewhere out of Europe we stopped seeing any differences and just saw the similiarites. It was a very ugly face of capitalism it's just that in Britain we have a strong sense that we found it to be older than everything else around..

The people in the rings looked at us with genuine hate here more than any where else, there was and is so much commitment to seeing my existence as a personal threat to their everything. We wont let you leave because people will find out what we have done to you here. We won't let you leave because we need here and we need you broken. There was tonnes of white supremacy. They Lynne would react if we said something unwhite jokingly, by accident or because we were feeling brave and knew it would really her up was incredible but she we could always feel her ready herself for the attack every time we walked in the room. They are groomed, trained, conditioned to need me to be in a very bad place all the time and to feel very anxious if they were near me and I wasn't and to do something about.. chosen for their dumbess and easiness to hate early then praised and rewarded for it ever since.

And they call us less than dogs.

August 27, 2017

not your dirty little secret

Old timey pain levels.. Remembering Wish You Were Here and Money. Proper therapy. Someone finding the straight jacket and how we had to get over some stuff to put in on "..not like anyone here is gonna try touch those buckles.." didn't need much encouragement to show our tanned furry legs once it occurred to us to do it.. Having all those shoes of the right size to choose from to borrow to go with the furry legs and the straight jacket.

Never tell your Dad.. Never tell Tupac.. one after the other we took each one part and either told them, got someone else to tell them or arranged for them to told over the last year. All the worst traumas. All the worst of the ongoing and future plans we shared because we could with everyone there to help us and because we had to feel better. And indeed we do feel better.

We saw our friends. Our amazing non humaniod friends and humanoid ones to it was fantastic.

Our daughter breaking when she given the "not enough time left" brief. Then coming back together cause her Daddy and lots of people that love her and she safe with were there.

We knew when after communing we are gonna be okay. That home is people not places and that we are gonna get home but it doesn't look good for the slavers and their tribes.

It was perfect fighting weather. Made it easier to be on the ground mostly in the one place instead of being elsewhere and being able to know everything that was going on in real time. Also helped that no one else was overseeing either though. Everyone was there. We couldn't of been happier and its good to be able to start to remember little bits of what that was like and the actual fighting but its always hard to remember were are less traumatised dissociated and more bored and autopilot dissociated is not good either though because you start get thirsty for a challenge and that can lead to risks being took.

He's on his way. A while yet though. It was important and he needed to do it and it was too dangerous for him to do anything else. But it went fine and he's on his way home.

Laura at some point said "Don't let Amanda in" and made me promise she was obeying some voice they had her and weren't letting her go because she was as close as they could get to me. It was horrible to see but it reminded us of everything we went through in and from Skene and we knew we couldn't help her.

What they were doing to her was everything we were fighting and we had tried very hard and forgave a lot to try and get her fight for herself and her kids, the kids but she wasn't able to even hear us. Nothing good came of it.

It's so good to not still be in all that all the time any more.. so fucking good.. we need to stay vigilant though there is going to be a lot of very pissed of people but they are pissed off people who are waiting for orders that arn't gonna come and they have never done a thing without the orders, the protection, the massive support..

If we clean this place up maybe our parents could come visit!!

Drank too much because it was sunny and pal was stressing us out because we wouldnt let her come over for a smoke straight after she got home from hospital from an OD. That whole not wanting to eat food because it would take her stone away thing.. we don't wanna be around a constantly in crisis addict who shows no interest in taking care of herself because it ruins our high .. and our recovery..

We woke up at half four covered in sweat. The airport/town that isn't Glasgow/uni/big old dirty ship/Glen dreams at sea dreams are all mixed up and we don't have that same anxiety, lonileness and desperation in them. We know we are going to get lost and wont be treated well or helped by all the other people we don't like it but we have accepted it is what happens and we don't feel we will be there forever.

Some abusers broken and owned so they could preform the roles of breaking and owning us but they were back to being lost and tortured kids not the solid muscle of hard hate and denial they became.  It's not as convincing when we are not desperate to know where everything is and be accepted. The sense that it all and everyone continues as it always has without me isn't the same. When we are not frantic the attitude of the people seems less indifferent and smug. Like their indifference and smugness depended on our lostness and our calmness and ambivalence undermines their everything..

It hurts some of them when we are not happy too much to help us or themselves so we have to stay as safe and warm as possible. We know we need to be careful about sliding back into pretending especially if we have had too much to drink. The triggery self obsessed neighbour was round yesterday. Ordering christmas presents on her phone and needing baccy.. She went on and on about what she was getting for who in fucking August its was just a pound and was funky stuff but she just show she shows everything and is a bloody bore. We got chips & ribs & baccy we didn't need to split with her. She was waited for her son to lose interest in playing with Pabs on the xbox upstairs which we also thought was nuts and shouted him down when we ate her fill and had tolerated enough. Don't think she was happy about it but we aren't actually happy having her here she's too not there and triggers us to pretty much Johnston levels when we're not here.

We were mostly quite aware I guess since whatever happened happened that we would find it very hard to feel okay or make any progress at all when contact with them was ongoing. Seeing them, Margo phoning even just thinking or being reminded of them put us straight but into the constructed EP who remembers nothing she isn't supposed to and has no reason to not assume she is the youngest daughter in a messed up family who was damaged and exploited further but isn't smart, strong or liked enough to get properly and finally away with new good relationships..

One of the many problems with that is that she is quite smart and couldn't help noticing and thinking things she wasnt supposed to and it didnt occur to the slavers that she could. And she was strong and forgot forget how to defend herself. And she has a family elsewhere that love her and sooner or later the love or the loving people would get through.

 Then of course there is an ye olde switch around and suddenly they never intended to keep me here forever anyway they use me and people like me to keep populations down. But they dont have as many sources for the kind of slaves they used to nor are we being made as much as we used to be either.. So all comes back to me and mine and the work we did against means we can never escape them cause its satanism and there is no way to resist it without destroying your only possible chance of escape. They way it genuinly seems to many is that for us to truely escape would mean the systems were already destroyed or certainly wouldnt be able to function without us and that it was pretty much the same thing but we should keep an eye out for any oppurtunity or different intpretation. We exhausted ourself searching for that oppurtunity. There doesn't seem to be any.

Things change though.

Of course all that "everyone is out bar me and junior" stuff was bullshit there is another junior, Sonny who we could not get out last year. We think he must be safer now we can say his name. Keeping control over the kids and them, how they are treated and the results of their DNA hidden is not something they will ever stop doing. Getting or forcing people to be involved in a conception and then using that child and the death of the child as kompromat is horrificaly standard.

We really hope Sonny is safer and not safe in the other way. We did manage to speak to him and someone even got him to hospital last year so we could see him and more people got to know about his existence, the how and the why and would of done everything they can about it. If we are thinking check lists are done he must  be safer. They really had some of us tricked into believing he was going to get to live with us here and him of course. We don't feel quite ready to move on from that yet.. Love you Sonny.

Love you everyone.


August 26, 2017

Flowers in the window

Thinking about trying to write properly about the importantness. Makes sense to do more blabbering first before attempting to treat with all due and required very serious seriousness.

We have to not die. We were told this by peoples and life who weren't slavers from everywhere. We've kinda tried but we are so used to keeping anything real that isnt slavery so deep its not going to be easy to coax them out now.

Check the difference though. All the things we couldn't think about we've published. Those vulnerable states are no more. The phobias and trapped emotional part they made sure we couldn't move beyond, we've moved beyond.

The details of previous efforts to deal with the total slavery that considered it self universal but didn't know how much more there is, another scource of inter satanist strife wether or not to look beyond and then what to do if anything else was found. Another one of the jobs they tried us on. But they never could, would be capable of understanding when we told them in great detail that I had not be made in hell to destroy heaven I had been made in heaven to destroy hell.

That seemed the best way to think about things when we couldnt think properly. They non evil peoples and forces varied on how much they would talk to me about how horrible we were going to be treated and how difficult it would be to not die. How I would to great amazing things that would save and dramatically improve the living standards of many many people but it would not help me here. The determination systems and technolgies, the tech that fucks with your mood and makes you hear things, the installing of controlled DID in people through tortoring them lots as babies and regular torture there after, the supremicists plans, the different lights and energiers and what the satanic masters knew, what they had done with what they knew and what they didn't know, the vast networks, the entire machaniry was laid out to us and explained to us over and in different ways with different emphaisis using different ways.

Supremist v supremist had wiped out a fair bit of the highest levels already long long ago but it had happened in a way that had serious benefited some areas, making them pretty much untouchable. Yup. Here.  It presents itself as just another slave planet but when you start looking into it shit doesn't add it. This shit hole might to origins of it all. Anything before that set it all up and forced it on everyone is very much long gone. And there is reasons or there were reasons why this place couldn't just be called a loss, written off and mourned. Not just the slaves from places whose cultures are non based in torture, exploitation and predetermination but we and the systems they have us in are a big part of why this pretty but infested rock is still a thing.

Putting right so much that has been so wrong has been very wonderful at times and free others and taking others home gives us so much hope and faith that it will be us one day.

As far as we remember the supremacists are seriously running out of active systems over us. There's some ancient Scottish shit that has been quite a solid base for so much else over centuries but we are not scared nothing is all that once you isolate it, we got everything or our checklist of things to do done. We have grown loads of flowers. We figure out best way to show pictures of them soon.

August 25, 2017

infinite lives on the stupidly impossible game im addicted to..

Little tiny bits at a time. It's working and we are confident we can keep it up. It's note easy but how we feel the rest of the time often is. There is less crippling depression and freezing anxiety and triggers. We just need to organise what these parts have gathered and survived and forced out here. Think another site is where we are going. We need it to be. We've tried but we can't write as in carefully choosing words, forming sentences and organising using formal officially happened education skills instead of the venting and freewriting basic mental health outlet that this is. To join the "allowed to exist" and the not allowed to exist parts of our brain which is the larger part of course.

Its so good to not feel needs that we know will not be meet. Moony's lessons on how to be and not be ruined by the truth or deny it either and still feel good are invaluable.

To be able to be in touch with that really important really early really central to us stuff again is so lovely. It's war based but not abusive. All or nothing against the powers that be that enslave and execute total control over and/or total physical or emotional and intellectual destruction.

It isn't our job to explain or convince any readers of anything its about fixing our brain using whats available to us and not so we can save Earth but so we get remember some way to get me and lad off it. There are efforts to make Earth livable for me and mine but as you can see the systems to keep things horrible here are working at something approaching full speed. If our writing and publishing helps other people help us thats great but we can't have it in mind when we write it doesn't work..

We are burning through the weed and its lovely. Everything they needed to happen to us either didn't happen or didn't go down like they expected since sometime in Dundee. They stuff they have planned, have done and are doing to people we couldn't get to or couldn't wake up is all going down with bugger all resistance.

Get it into heads decent folks of America. Waste swathes of Britain, rank & file, civilians, statesmens, journos fucking across the board knew about the Brexit Trump plans for fucking years and were very much against any of us telling any of you in any way about it. Seek ye cheeky Ruskies they always have tonnes of good stuff and are big fans of the barter systems..

August 24, 2017

Hi Dad.

tuna, pasta, salad, made garlic bread with a pannini, got wine, got weed, been taking our meds not too bad, remembering more about seeing our Dad in the hospital, a butterfly landed on us and we put in some new plants and moved one of the climbers. Feels good. Really good.

We've been note writing, by hand and word processor mostly about this, we are thinking about starting another blog to talk about this one. Its exhausting just forcing a word or two after all these decades of efforts to stop us knowing and stop us saying and being we went built on eons of others before us.

People are forced to take part in it in large numbers despite everything they are but then they are kept close to misery and groomed to believe if we escaped the stories we would tell would point the finger at them and theres so they must help keep us here, keep us down to protect them and there's from paranoid fantasies about what would happen if the truth was known and generations of exprience that when it was said that if they didn't do as they were told them and their children would be treated like me and mine it was meant. They would, for a while.

How many times in the hours we had together did another us pop out to say "Hi Daddy" and as much else as they could. Just like before, like we taught you but you knew instincivly how to often anyway you would know how to talk to them, how to hold us. Then of course you had to met the new ones. I had to say "Hi Daddy" and that was really really hard but we needed to. You needed me to. Everyone needed me to. Will still have that same sense of having done everything we need/want to do that we got when we managed. We a baby. We just take care of us and the boy and wait for our friends. The parts they forced on us to block out all others and exhaust themselves to death took a step back and were reclaimed.

The ye olde "if we don't see each other we wont survive but if we try and see each other we won't survive that either." ..

We survived though and we are still here so there isn't any going back to the levels of denial we were running before. Nothing that we are supposed to know about saves our life, stops the breeding and there isn't any of us left thinking they have control over anything we need. A little bit of humanity is all it takes but people were told showing humanity would be against their interests and believed it and that suggests to us that their humanity was long gone or always absent and that means there is very little we can do for them.

Their power lies in the effect their percieved and assumed humanity has on those that haven't had theirs removed through tortures and surgery and heart break.

No regrets about leaving twitter. We saw a maleish looking DID person saying "sex work" should be legalised.. we saw no one hearting our flowers.. We see uk indifference to and jokes about the fart in the states and the mainstream fascism and want to turn that perfect white UK that was captured by satellites that proper winter all black and smokey.

Out of our hands. Our job is to rest and heal.

August 23, 2017

New Day

Read too many slavery mentioning memes on twitter. If someone sold your children would you would want statues of them? No. Also wouldn't want them to have high profile music industry careers or still be allowed in the Whitehouse in the 21st Century either. We just want to smoke weed and play on our phone but we are out of weed and lives on our favourite games.

Its been so much better in general recently though.


Even better know with the weed and game giving me extra games..

It's not we went on twitter for the reasons people went on twitter. We knew they were going to force us onto social media as a method of triggering us when they didn't have the support for direct abuse any more. Another lot used it as an excuse to put us down in general to make sure we didn't get too lucid online too often and to remind us of our place of course.

We could never really shake either of them. We need redo the blog front page. This quite a fucking thought. Want to try write more and draft more instead of how things are usually done. Long, long journey since the first post in 2010 but it is ours and only ours now when it wasn't before and we need to show and work with that..

Still Daffs though. She experienced enough decentness and kindness and humour on twitter to not despise Britain and every single mutherfucking one of its residents so we need her! She does need to know that is not what she is for though and that is hard because was the the completlty amnesiac unable to believe any truth that they made and that is amazing and her awesome achievement so hopefully being off twitter is going to help her appreicate that and herself better.

August 17, 2017

We had to say no. It's gotten to us anyway. It's a shame but we had her number for a while and needed and never used it because we couldn't handle the exposure to bullshitting addictism. We feel all kind of triggered and get mean and defenceive in the hope of jarring them to a halt but we know its too late for our mental and emotional well being and the attempts at damage limitation just replay later and make us feel worse.

We need the space though and she isn't going to pick up on us having needs that arn't drugs. She said she has bad problems with paranoia and as much as she wants our weed and she has helped us in the past we don't think she needs to be looked like she is a cross between Laura and Elaine and we definitely don't want to be looking at someone and thinking that.

We are okay but we feel its a bit of a meaningless thing to say in the context of this blog and the number of times those words or similar have been said when it wasn't true and few in here believed it was even possible any more.. But we kinda are..

Did some weeding today. It really is cool what we have done out there and it is nice to see it and enjoy it and not forgot that we did that work and we did it for us. The littles and olds don't need to worry we are not going to be pulling out by there roots if we have to care for them by ourself. There is shrubs on the way.. a collection of about six they were cheap before but there were down to just over a tenner we had to..

We wrote your name in pen last night. It wasn't easy but it felt so important and healing once we had. Even if we still have a toe or two on "we're just mad/programmed/it's not true"

There's lot's of happy signs and remembering stuff from so many different times. We are doing good, really good with most of the trauma that comes up. It's been accepted that it happened and we don't need to fight with the denial or a perspective that is centred on it and being horribly treated and nothing else. Stuff comes up sometimes that has us struggle to not feel how it did at the time but because so much other stuff isn't having that effect we can keep in touch with the relief that has been bringing and not get overwhelmed. The powerlessness to protect or help little kids is not something we will one day wake and feel okay about but we are starting to feel other things to and that is lovely.

Hope to see you soon. 

August 16, 2017

Good luck America

We have been craving proper writing, actually crafting and leaving and going back instead of splurging. We hiding in the phone games and the nice feeling in our flesh while remember how horrible it's been without going back there.

We feel both loved a fought for daughter and wife and the handed around slave at the some time with imploding or denying too much. The spectrums of us don't seem to conflict and deny each other like we always used to.

We would be were free but we have remembered what it feels like and we don't feel pretend we can get where we need by people who have never helped us in the past suddenly having a change of heart.  We are comfortable in the limbo because we feel so much more centred than we have for a long time and much less dislocated. Less trapped in manipulated cycles of emotional trapped in trauma parts and more like a human who has been treated very badly but has found some space now and is able to do a not too bad job of appreciating it and building on it.

There's a sense of maybe having made it and the worst really being in the past. We don't know what else to do with it but acknowledge and welcome and sit with it. There is also a strong sense that we are writing that because we feel it and it's real and not because we want it to be true and because someone horrible has told us or someone they are forcing to pretend to be us. It's us and we are saying it because it's true. We arnt wishing some order to have us put permanently down was or is successful we can face them and not have to fear our broken parts seeing them and make an attempt to get us all out forever. We have all the same protections we always have but now we want to live, we have real tangible hope because of the break in the violence, the distance between us and the fake family and because we have a much realer sense of ourself.

We said the Fascists had taken over and were endlessly consolidating and making it public to as many people as we could. That was our job. It's all out of our hands now and we are so fucking glad it is. All we need to know is phone home and we very rarely stopped doing that for long anyway we just had to stop ourself from knowing and that was so horrible it made us puke every time to do it and we don't need to forgot or pretend any more.

We can think and feel about what being white and Scottish and female and how its all a state stamp, another cog in very old systems of British people who kept slaves before and on much smaller scale than the mass rape of Afrika and had no intention of giving up those practices they just hide it and more. We are needed for the wars that protect the innocence of the populations. We are needed to hide any sign of our own existence and round and round it goes.. Capitalism is Supremacy is tolerance and acceptance that some slaves always exist somewhere its a shame but it''s human nature and a tight control on ideas and cash.. If it's human nature how come soo much violence and investment goes into making it happen and stopping people from knowing and discussing it?  The fucking scale of the cover ups. Impressive but not invincible especially when all built on such genuinely ancient tech and philosophies. Seriously arcane bullshit.

Thank you husband for helping me understand why people here are so mean or worse to me here and thank you for doing it in a way that made me feel empowered and certain we were strong enough to survive and for being Daddy when he couldn't.

Yeah she doing my head in and reminding us of her connections to Fintry but the new new one seems really cool and much less triggering. Thought about going for a walk today..




Today.. 0% chance of rain. Fabulous. Bit too cloudy to sit out too much though and we are into phone games again now that we have a functioning touch screen.

It's soo nice when it's nice to be.


It's. A lot like that today to. And we have weed. And it's the tenth.. (we wrote death there). Didn't actually noticed until we said it was on the tenth our sister died and after that checked the date. We've been all over lots of our self recently without it being overwhelming. We are grounded in a family who loves us and will see again and we are not fighting for physicial safety for ourself and as many little kids as possible like we always have been.


Margo said if Laura lived she would of fought harder. Laura said the same. "How's your Mum?" The  G.P. asked.. still dying me replied..she was surprised we knew.. We said we knew because we had spoke to her and she had never souded so carefree and relaxed before. And that we were worried about who would take care of Pabs when we were in Stratheden. She talked a little like it was an option before Margo died.


Some fucked up part of someone got Margo to admit she would be fighting harder if Laura was. Likewise Laura and her life and Margo. We knew it was translated into Russian with one or no steps or rings in-between. And that for us and what we where and what we needed to do to survive everyone everywhere was lethal.


August 07, 2017


It's not just the antidepressants and the weed honey. It's cause you love us.

We are playing silly surgery game on phone in bed an we feel lovely, lovely and little and close to you. We get double rewards on the game if we watch ads so we are writing this when they are on! Everything feels real and not in an unreal when it feels like all that matters is the evil but in a real and going to be okay kind of way.


Pal been round so there's been wine and got more weed. She was the one that had to do the fetching. We were obvs giving it a point blank refusal and apoliesing while not providing any explanation. She did it though. Bless her. We doing silly surgery and half thinking about non silly surgeries.. sometimes almost all thinking.


It's still there. That happy sighing and inner peace and hope. Still additied to the silly surgery and the processing, love it the way games can trigger and distract at the same time and when you are aware and strong enough you really feel like you are moving through stuff. We do anyway.

Fucking twitter though. They don't get how many of them are MAGA hat wearing, Russian speaking white male power tools even though they think they are the opposite. And of course all the scum that know they are involved nasty shit.. and not much else..

We are your girl. We will always be your girl. We want to write lots of what we are remembering to show you we remember we also just want to enjoy them and feeling wholer without being anxious that we have to get them down before parts change and we loose them. There's all the "you will never speak of this" from lots and lots of scumbags who need no truth of me or you or us and where we come from to ever be known but we also don't want to write about really important stuff just because we can and we have been told over over not to.

So many think their worries are over when they are only just beginning and there no small comfort in that..

Cant wait.

August 06, 2017

Daddy I think I've found a friend.

Hello beautiful amazing strong sexy gorgeous wonderful husband who loves us very very much and always has and always will and see us all of us no matter how much they made you not see us and how much we couldn't yous.

Husband who know the penis of to and not just from providing medical attention and being locked up naked and starved together or from being forced to watch them hurt you and picture or being shown the pictures they took just like you know all our physical female parts and scars. Those worries that it wasn't right that we were already to family already and it would pretty much be incest. Definitely all crap.. Definitely. Daddy did say that, that he had seen the way we were when we talked about you and then when he met you how we looked at you and how you talked to us. He wandered off to cry he was so relieved but we knew we he would so let him go and then went after him. He hadn't gotten far out the hanger. It was a different crying and that was strange at first but then okay and then really hopeful.

What were we writing about. Oh yes. Your penis. Not that we have much visual memory but there are other kinds. Brain keeps shoving in rape and exploitation but they just evaporate, we see their origins and manipulations and the attempt to make unbreakable associations between rape and sexual love, the parts that were sceptical and those they had so deliberately broken beforehand and lots in between and all it's power over the way we feel being completely overwhelmed by us last year.

We were really young and really really skinny when you found us in the basement and showed us nothing but compassion ever since. Seeing you fight for us was kinda annoying coz we knew we had to fight for us and you and we were so weak. We got stronger though and you learned what we were up again fast. So fast we didn't believe at times and we are sorry for that.

Saying our name was "Julia" in Skene and that wasn't us back then we can't really apologise for it was too necessary, not to you we have been very sorry for Julia though and kinda had to do everything we could to help her after we said that, think she smacked us pretty hard when we said that was probably why she was getting constant grief and we thought it fair game. Then she clicked that was how it was and always had been for us and was a fucking wreck, sobbing and screaming and rocking me in a pile on the floor for ages. We got close like we used to be after that. Think that might of part of why it was her name we came up with.. It was fucking devastating though, seeing you and lying to you and triggering ourself into remembering Julia and me at the same fucking time. We knew we were to close to being wiped out completely to worry about anything. There's a weird peace and freedom in that amongst the horror.

Being close to Julia again meant it was possible to be sometimes again and it meant we could start keeping and eye out for each other and finds ways to resist and organise again. And be girls again.

The antidepressants, the Johnstonlessness, the other side of a nervous break down, the other side of .. well a lot war and slavery may not be completely out of it yet but definitely heading in the right direct.. The table of little boxes and greetings for recipients across the globe. Please except this gift of the dust of your most powerful weapon as a small token to celebrate the public formal and legal marriage of us and yous..


Not so funny you and everyone else having to go away though because they still have all second greatest weapon - vast swathes of programmed conditioned populations everywhere making no effort to resist or heal..

August 05, 2017

We'll never hand it over for you to destroy.

Been looking through the photos on this computer, mostly of Laura's two growing up, but occasions when Pabs was there to with his blond curls, big dark eyes and huge smile, sturdy build, unbelievably beautiful babe, seriously. Eventuly found a viewer that worked in all the various ones that didn't. Started some folders "Baby pics" for pabs and are thinking about all the ways you can get albums and print outs sent to you. Would like to do it for the kids up the road to. And me. We could get a big ALF picture and put it on a wall.. we are not unaware this is stuff we couldnt go near before. Laura took them out a lot and there is plenty evidence of happy, healthy kids having a good time as well as the reminders of off camera shit and less happy shit, there's one in particular with Pabs and Grace looking into the camera and the look in the eyes and the body language is fucking horrible.

We weren't overwhelmed by the triggers of looking at the adults from a safe distance in time and space. We knew they would happen we felt disgust and hate and the ghosts of serious physical pain and fear. Nothing we weren't prepared for. Broken scum.

Got to a tiny teeny bit about how cool the iphone is. It made a little video of stuff we shot and put music to it and we thought it was amazing. We are starting to get an inroad with the tech phobia thankfully because of the monster Niall has donated to pabs that is currently in the living room and refusing to run a browser. To be honest as we are only just making a start with the tech triggers we are quite happy for it to only be partially functioning and in the living room. We will get more comfortable with the big box and yes its a big box and impressive he doesnt buy shitty tech over the next day or two while we deal with his room as well.

Lass gave us a hug when we gave her holiday/thanks for keeping cats alive presents and said no one had ever given her stuff like that before. Her mates often sound quite shitty.

We've been getting little flashes of our history with the area now that we're are not there and feel less scared of getting into shit we couldn't handle whilst away from home with a kid. With a couple we felt nothing for but weren't being treated bad by them and didn't mind pretending we were a family when out in public. We remember the car park on the island, the man and the women talking about tide times. We remember feeling desperatly sorry for all the kids who weren't us and didn't have our support or training. There was friendly faces everywhere that the couple didn't know anything about, other kids had none of that they had the opposite all the time not some of the time like me. One of them noticed something with up, saw the smiles and the eye contact and how awake we were I think but it was to late. We were told to run and that we knew where to and we did. It was major stuff and we knew it. It wasn't ancient place usual shit, we remember our hands shaking and screaming even in total relief and gladness. So fuck knows what that was about. To do with masonic fake history and the traditions to protect the truth and humanity probably. That was our work and most of it we had to do alone or with the help of someone who had a 50/50 chance of actually working to do the opposite of what we were doing.

"What did you find in Lindisfarne?"

"You've got no hope of ever getting that out of us. All your torturing is just gonna bury it deeper from you and all your irrelevant kind."

They left frustrated and left us half dead but never surer we could survive.

August 04, 2017

Free Berwick

We didn't have that same dread over coming back. First time for this lot to be returning from anything other that inpatient psychiatry to Johnstonlessness.. It went well. Really well from the perspective of our anxiety and panic levels. It was Berwick though and we could spot the lack of anxiety over the area when we choose it. Not quite England. Not quite Scotland. The boat tour guy said his wife wasn't happy about not a vote during the indy ref. Quite right to. It's Berwick of course it should of got a fucking vote. Of course we don't have much sense of why we give a fuck about it, we didn't expect to feel less wary or more comfortable with the people. All lot of Newcastle way accents and we were reminded how the Borders accents sound so similar when you haven't heard either in a long time and that we quite like them. We reckon there is fair amount of resentment in the North of England that they are excluded from the vague hope of Scottish independence and really should be Scottish. What a nation that would be.. Don't know about Liverpool but couldn't deny them the choice.. So where's my army?

We never had any plans on taking the bairn to the Holy Isle but did make it to Alnwick far to late for any of kids activities but he was happy just to be there and get bubble gum and marshmallow ice cream and a plastic knights sets.

It's good to feel tired from walking, travelling and doing stuff instead of endless trauma processing. It's occurring at some of the shadiest pits of our mind that light is either starting to reach them or will, that there is and can be a "them"..

We dreamt last night that someone said they liked our new hair cut. Thank you.