August 17, 2017

We had to say no. It's gotten to us anyway. It's a shame but we had her number for a while and needed and never used it because we couldn't handle the exposure to bullshitting addictism. We feel all kind of triggered and get mean and defenceive in the hope of jarring them to a halt but we know its too late for our mental and emotional well being and the attempts at damage limitation just replay later and make us feel worse.

We need the space though and she isn't going to pick up on us having needs that arn't drugs. She said she has bad problems with paranoia and as much as she wants our weed and she has helped us in the past we don't think she needs to be looked like she is a cross between Laura and Elaine and we definitely don't want to be looking at someone and thinking that.

We are okay but we feel its a bit of a meaningless thing to say in the context of this blog and the number of times those words or similar have been said when it wasn't true and few in here believed it was even possible any more.. But we kinda are..

Did some weeding today. It really is cool what we have done out there and it is nice to see it and enjoy it and not forgot that we did that work and we did it for us. The littles and olds don't need to worry we are not going to be pulling out by there roots if we have to care for them by ourself. There is shrubs on the way.. a collection of about six they were cheap before but there were down to just over a tenner we had to..

We wrote your name in pen last night. It wasn't easy but it felt so important and healing once we had. Even if we still have a toe or two on "we're just mad/programmed/it's not true"

There's lot's of happy signs and remembering stuff from so many different times. We are doing good, really good with most of the trauma that comes up. It's been accepted that it happened and we don't need to fight with the denial or a perspective that is centred on it and being horribly treated and nothing else. Stuff comes up sometimes that has us struggle to not feel how it did at the time but because so much other stuff isn't having that effect we can keep in touch with the relief that has been bringing and not get overwhelmed. The powerlessness to protect or help little kids is not something we will one day wake and feel okay about but we are starting to feel other things to and that is lovely.

Hope to see you soon. 

August 16, 2017

Good luck America

We have been craving proper writing, actually crafting and leaving and going back instead of splurging. We hiding in the phone games and the nice feeling in our flesh while remember how horrible it's been without going back there.

We feel both loved a fought for daughter and wife and the handed around slave at the some time with imploding or denying too much. The spectrums of us don't seem to conflict and deny each other like we always used to.

We would be were free but we have remembered what it feels like and we don't feel pretend we can get where we need by people who have never helped us in the past suddenly having a change of heart.  We are comfortable in the limbo because we feel so much more centred than we have for a long time and much less dislocated. Less trapped in manipulated cycles of emotional trapped in trauma parts and more like a human who has been treated very badly but has found some space now and is able to do a not too bad job of appreciating it and building on it.

There's a sense of maybe having made it and the worst really being in the past. We don't know what else to do with it but acknowledge and welcome and sit with it. There is also a strong sense that we are writing that because we feel it and it's real and not because we want it to be true and because someone horrible has told us or someone they are forcing to pretend to be us. It's us and we are saying it because it's true. We arnt wishing some order to have us put permanently down was or is successful we can face them and not have to fear our broken parts seeing them and make an attempt to get us all out forever. We have all the same protections we always have but now we want to live, we have real tangible hope because of the break in the violence, the distance between us and the fake family and because we have a much realer sense of ourself.

We said the Fascists had taken over and were endlessly consolidating and making it public to as many people as we could. That was our job. It's all out of our hands now and we are so fucking glad it is. All we need to know is phone home and we very rarely stopped doing that for long anyway we just had to stop ourself from knowing and that was so horrible it made us puke every time to do it and we don't need to forgot or pretend any more.

We can think and feel about what being white and Scottish and female and how its all a state stamp, another cog in very old systems of British people who kept slaves before and on much smaller scale than the mass rape of Afrika and had no intention of giving up those practices they just hide it and more. We are needed for the wars that protect the innocence of the populations. We are needed to hide any sign of our own existence and round and round it goes.. Capitalism is Supremacy is tolerance and acceptance that some slaves always exist somewhere its a shame but it''s human nature and a tight control on ideas and cash.. If it's human nature how come soo much violence and investment goes into making it happen and stopping people from knowing and discussing it?  The fucking scale of the cover ups. Impressive but not invincible especially when all built on such genuinely ancient tech and philosophies. Seriously arcane bullshit.

Thank you husband for helping me understand why people here are so mean or worse to me here and thank you for doing it in a way that made me feel empowered and certain we were strong enough to survive and for being Daddy when he couldn't.

Yeah she doing my head in and reminding us of her connections to Fintry but the new new one seems really cool and much less triggering. Thought about going for a walk today..






































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Today.. 0% chance of rain. Fabulous. Bit too cloudy to sit out too much though and we are into phone games again now that we have a functioning touch screen.

It's soo nice when it's nice to be.

...

It's. A lot like that today to. And we have weed. And it's the tenth.. (we wrote death there). Didn't actually noticed until we said it was on the tenth our sister died and after that checked the date. We've been all over lots of our self recently without it being overwhelming. We are grounded in a family who loves us and will see again and we are not fighting for physicial safety for ourself and as many little kids as possible like we always have been.

..

Margo said if Laura lived she would of fought harder. Laura said the same. "How's your Mum?" The  G.P. asked.. still dying me replied..she was surprised we knew.. We said we knew because we had spoke to her and she had never souded so carefree and relaxed before. And that we were worried about who would take care of Pabs when we were in Stratheden. She talked a little like it was an option before Margo died.

..

Some fucked up part of someone got Margo to admit she would be fighting harder if Laura was. Likewise Laura and her life and Margo. We knew it was translated into Russian with one or no steps or rings in-between. And that for us and what we where and what we needed to do to survive everyone everywhere was lethal.

....

August 07, 2017

Monday

It's not just the antidepressants and the weed honey. It's cause you love us.

We are playing silly surgery game on phone in bed an we feel lovely, lovely and little and close to you. We get double rewards on the game if we watch ads so we are writing this when they are on! Everything feels real and not in an unreal when it feels like all that matters is the evil but in a real and going to be okay kind of way.

..

Pal been round so there's been wine and got more weed. She was the one that had to do the fetching. We were obvs giving it a point blank refusal and apoliesing while not providing any explanation. She did it though. Bless her. We doing silly surgery and half thinking about non silly surgeries.. sometimes almost all thinking.

..

It's still there. That happy sighing and inner peace and hope. Still additied to the silly surgery and the processing, love it the way games can trigger and distract at the same time and when you are aware and strong enough you really feel like you are moving through stuff. We do anyway.

Fucking twitter though. They don't get how many of them are MAGA hat wearing, Russian speaking white male power tools even though they think they are the opposite. And of course all the scum that know they are involved nasty shit.. and not much else..

We are your girl. We will always be your girl. We want to write lots of what we are remembering to show you we remember we also just want to enjoy them and feeling wholer without being anxious that we have to get them down before parts change and we loose them. There's all the "you will never speak of this" from lots and lots of scumbags who need no truth of me or you or us and where we come from to ever be known but we also don't want to write about really important stuff just because we can and we have been told over over not to.

So many think their worries are over when they are only just beginning and there no small comfort in that..

Cant wait.

August 06, 2017

Daddy I think I've found a friend.

Hello beautiful amazing strong sexy gorgeous wonderful husband who loves us very very much and always has and always will and see us all of us no matter how much they made you not see us and how much we couldn't yous.

Husband who know the penis of to and not just from providing medical attention and being locked up naked and starved together or from being forced to watch them hurt you and picture or being shown the pictures they took just like you know all our physical female parts and scars. Those worries that it wasn't right that we were already to family already and it would pretty much be incest. Definitely all crap.. Definitely. Daddy did say that, that he had seen the way we were when we talked about you and then when he met you how we looked at you and how you talked to us. He wandered off to cry he was so relieved but we knew we he would so let him go and then went after him. He hadn't gotten far out the hanger. It was a different crying and that was strange at first but then okay and then really hopeful.

What were we writing about. Oh yes. Your penis. Not that we have much visual memory but there are other kinds. Brain keeps shoving in rape and exploitation but they just evaporate, we see their origins and manipulations and the attempt to make unbreakable associations between rape and sexual love, the parts that were sceptical and those they had so deliberately broken beforehand and lots in between and all it's power over the way we feel being completely overwhelmed by us last year.

We were really young and really really skinny when you found us in the basement and showed us nothing but compassion ever since. Seeing you fight for us was kinda annoying coz we knew we had to fight for us and you and we were so weak. We got stronger though and you learned what we were up again fast. So fast we didn't believe at times and we are sorry for that.

Saying our name was "Julia" in Skene and that wasn't us back then we can't really apologise for it was too necessary, not to you we have been very sorry for Julia though and kinda had to do everything we could to help her after we said that, think she smacked us pretty hard when we said that was probably why she was getting constant grief and we thought it fair game. Then she clicked that was how it was and always had been for us and was a fucking wreck, sobbing and screaming and rocking me in a pile on the floor for ages. We got close like we used to be after that. Think that might of part of why it was her name we came up with.. It was fucking devastating though, seeing you and lying to you and triggering ourself into remembering Julia and me at the same fucking time. We knew we were to close to being wiped out completely to worry about anything. There's a weird peace and freedom in that amongst the horror.

Being close to Julia again meant it was possible to be sometimes again and it meant we could start keeping and eye out for each other and finds ways to resist and organise again. And be girls again.

The antidepressants, the Johnstonlessness, the other side of a nervous break down, the other side of .. well a lot war and slavery may not be completely out of it yet but definitely heading in the right direct.. The table of little boxes and greetings for recipients across the globe. Please except this gift of the dust of your most powerful weapon as a small token to celebrate the public formal and legal marriage of us and yous..

Ha.

Not so funny you and everyone else having to go away though because they still have all second greatest weapon - vast swathes of programmed conditioned populations everywhere making no effort to resist or heal..



August 05, 2017

We'll never hand it over for you to destroy.

Been looking through the photos on this computer, mostly of Laura's two growing up, but occasions when Pabs was there to with his blond curls, big dark eyes and huge smile, sturdy build, unbelievably beautiful babe, seriously. Eventuly found a viewer that worked in all the various ones that didn't. Started some folders "Baby pics" for pabs and are thinking about all the ways you can get albums and print outs sent to you. Would like to do it for the kids up the road to. And me. We could get a big ALF picture and put it on a wall.. we are not unaware this is stuff we couldnt go near before. Laura took them out a lot and there is plenty evidence of happy, healthy kids having a good time as well as the reminders of off camera shit and less happy shit, there's one in particular with Pabs and Grace looking into the camera and the look in the eyes and the body language is fucking horrible.

We weren't overwhelmed by the triggers of looking at the adults from a safe distance in time and space. We knew they would happen we felt disgust and hate and the ghosts of serious physical pain and fear. Nothing we weren't prepared for. Broken scum.

Got to a tiny teeny bit about how cool the iphone is. It made a little video of stuff we shot and put music to it and we thought it was amazing. We are starting to get an inroad with the tech phobia thankfully because of the monster Niall has donated to pabs that is currently in the living room and refusing to run a browser. To be honest as we are only just making a start with the tech triggers we are quite happy for it to only be partially functioning and in the living room. We will get more comfortable with the big box and yes its a big box and impressive he doesnt buy shitty tech over the next day or two while we deal with his room as well.

Lass gave us a hug when we gave her holiday/thanks for keeping cats alive presents and said no one had ever given her stuff like that before. Her mates often sound quite shitty.

We've been getting little flashes of our history with the area now that we're are not there and feel less scared of getting into shit we couldn't handle whilst away from home with a kid. With a couple we felt nothing for but weren't being treated bad by them and didn't mind pretending we were a family when out in public. We remember the car park on the island, the man and the women talking about tide times. We remember feeling desperatly sorry for all the kids who weren't us and didn't have our support or training. There was friendly faces everywhere that the couple didn't know anything about, other kids had none of that they had the opposite all the time not some of the time like me. One of them noticed something with up, saw the smiles and the eye contact and how awake we were I think but it was to late. We were told to run and that we knew where to and we did. It was major stuff and we knew it. It wasn't ancient place usual shit, we remember our hands shaking and screaming even in total relief and gladness. So fuck knows what that was about. To do with masonic fake history and the traditions to protect the truth and humanity probably. That was our work and most of it we had to do alone or with the help of someone who had a 50/50 chance of actually working to do the opposite of what we were doing.

"What did you find in Lindisfarne?"

"You've got no hope of ever getting that out of us. All your torturing is just gonna bury it deeper from you and all your irrelevant kind."

They left frustrated and left us half dead but never surer we could survive.






August 04, 2017

Free Berwick





We didn't have that same dread over coming back. First time for this lot to be returning from anything other that inpatient psychiatry to Johnstonlessness.. It went well. Really well from the perspective of our anxiety and panic levels. It was Berwick though and we could spot the lack of anxiety over the area when we choose it. Not quite England. Not quite Scotland. The boat tour guy said his wife wasn't happy about not a vote during the indy ref. Quite right to. It's Berwick of course it should of got a fucking vote. Of course we don't have much sense of why we give a fuck about it, we didn't expect to feel less wary or more comfortable with the people. All lot of Newcastle way accents and we were reminded how the Borders accents sound so similar when you haven't heard either in a long time and that we quite like them. We reckon there is fair amount of resentment in the North of England that they are excluded from the vague hope of Scottish independence and really should be Scottish. What a nation that would be.. Don't know about Liverpool but couldn't deny them the choice.. So where's my army?



We never had any plans on taking the bairn to the Holy Isle but did make it to Alnwick far to late for any of kids activities but he was happy just to be there and get bubble gum and marshmallow ice cream and a plastic knights sets.

It's good to feel tired from walking, travelling and doing stuff instead of endless trauma processing. It's occurring at some of the shadiest pits of our mind that light is either starting to reach them or will, that there is and can be a "them"..

We dreamt last night that someone said they liked our new hair cut. Thank you.