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Showing posts from August, 2017

always be your Rosie

Ug Daddy it's just too difficult! It's good we've started and have done some important work the ideas we have the whole idea itself of trying to explain the blog is great but we can't do it all by our selves. We just keep hitting the walls that cover so much. There is diffintly a bit of "the whole point of my is that I'm constantly worked really hard even if it really hurts us" going on and thats another reason why we need to leave it for now.

What do we do though Daddy? Games on the phone and tablet yeah we do really get into them this now when we seem to be avoided the tv and the consoles. We could tell you what we have done so far! We got a picture we did last year of a shaking rough drawing looking down on hands over legs sitting on the edge of a bed and the words "When her eyes opened there was nothing left." and we started writing about how the rings use dissociation and amnesia on kids born into it and those they steal to take away any s…

..very pressed..

Ok we managed a picture and a couple of sentances worth of notes and it was soo fucking hard which makes navigating and not panicking the not blogger menus really really fucking hard.. Wee starts though. Thats how we got here with the constantly lifting amnesia, the decent benefits and the not currently being raped..

The current idea is still more grown up developed coherent structured writing but also art from the us youngers and wot nots. Been trying to reclaim the tablet for this. Deleted over a hundred accidental screen shots and about thirty game apps. Gonna go back and take off more. It's our's. It's is okay to have something that is just ours and think those that need it will be more comfortable with it if its just ours and just stuff we want and need for us.

Coming here and seeing what comes up has become such a habit now that we have forgotten what it's like when every fucking word is a battle against quick sand. We did know it would be though.

The gob mould …

Normal

Wow spliffs really arn't good for the tougue fungus (Tungus as named by Pabs).. Got the drops though. We noticed we often hold whatever we are drinking in our mouth before swallowing and its gets worse the worse we feel and have wondered about its horrendous origins, thinking today and yesterday though that its been little with awful untreated oral thrush and trying to soothe the discomfort.. Poor littles, poor us's. Its just one of they many varying but pretty much constant "this is just how it is here" discomforts that we have to notice and address. It's daunting but a lot of work was begun long ago. We had been taught how to remember and recognise any help and support available most didn't get that so they really had no notions of anything different. Sometimes I would show them but my friends didn't let me much because it broke my heart when they chose evil because it was what they knew even when they knew there was somewhere else.

Even my friends for…

get in touch when your in a better place

The actual text reads, "Ma mum gona keep me in grass to get through wuthdrawl hope your you don't ever need me"

(typos copied)

Thats an actual text from a actual woman sent to me this now because we wouldn't let her run away from her parents after they drove her home from the hospital after another OD. She's been in a horrid place addiction wise just talked constantly about drugs and weed so we have no doubt she is gloating about that but she is also gloating about having a mother? She sent us several texts about nits when we were away, asking if we were we didn't have them because they had them again. Then going on about sitting on the couch and itching we said there was fleas sometimes so she texted back saying we should do something about it.. Our first holiday ever kind of, it was soo "Scotland" to us..

To that text today we sent back, "Im really glad u mum is gona help you ***** i think thats best good luck xx"

It's irked and tri…

Thanks for the Freedom.

All those layers of rings and gangs and families and such all thinking and doing exactly as was wanted of them by people most of them don't know exist, thinking they have power when the power they appear to have is only what has been arranged for them and nothing else. Nothing independent. Understanding that, remembering that would undermine the psychological and emotional damage but loosing sight of it even briefly would do so much damage and we would start believing things as they was presented. Keep us as close to death as possible for as long as possible having the rings fight over us and our death ensured that so we would have no time and nothing and no one left to survive what was attempted once they had us in an institution last summer, another year of isolation and we would be easy pickings about now.

Making sure everyone could and would be there last year was the highest of priorities for a long time and whatever we all did, it worked. We don't feel like easy picking…

not your dirty little secret

Old timey pain levels.. Remembering Wish You Were Here and Money. Proper therapy. Someone finding the straight jacket and how we had to get over some stuff to put in on "..not like anyone here is gonna try touch those buckles.." didn't need much encouragement to show our tanned furry legs once it occurred to us to do it.. Having all those shoes of the right size to choose from to borrow to go with the furry legs and the straight jacket.

Never tell your Dad.. Never tell Tupac.. one after the other we took each one part and either told them, got someone else to tell them or arranged for them to told over the last year. All the worst traumas. All the worst of the ongoing and future plans we shared because we could with everyone there to help us and because we had to feel better. And indeed we do feel better.

We saw our friends. Our amazing non humaniod friends and humanoid ones to it was fantastic.

Our daughter breaking when she given the "not enough time left" b…
Drank too much because it was sunny and pal was stressing us out because we wouldnt let her come over for a smoke straight after she got home from hospital from an OD. That whole not wanting to eat food because it would take her stone away thing.. we don't wanna be around a constantly in crisis addict who shows no interest in taking care of herself because it ruins our high .. and our recovery..

We woke up at half four covered in sweat. The airport/town that isn't Glasgow/uni/big old dirty ship/Glen dreams at sea dreams are all mixed up and we don't have that same anxiety, lonileness and desperation in them. We know we are going to get lost and wont be treated well or helped by all the other people we don't like it but we have accepted it is what happens and we don't feel we will be there forever.

Some abusers broken and owned so they could preform the roles of breaking and owning us but they were back to being lost and tortured kids not the solid muscle of hard h…

Flowers in the window

Thinking about trying to write properly about the importantness. Makes sense to do more blabbering first before attempting to treat with all due and required very serious seriousness.

We have to not die. We were told this by peoples and life who weren't slavers from everywhere. We've kinda tried but we are so used to keeping anything real that isnt slavery so deep its not going to be easy to coax them out now.

Check the difference though. All the things we couldn't think about we've published. Those vulnerable states are no more. The phobias and trapped emotional part they made sure we couldn't move beyond, we've moved beyond.

The details of previous efforts to deal with the total slavery that considered it self universal but didn't know how much more there is, another scource of inter satanist strife wether or not to look beyond and then what to do if anything else was found. Another one of the jobs they tried us on. But they never could, would be capable…

infinite lives on the stupidly impossible game im addicted to..

Little tiny bits at a time. It's working and we are confident we can keep it up. It's note easy but how we feel the rest of the time often is. There is less crippling depression and freezing anxiety and triggers. We just need to organise what these parts have gathered and survived and forced out here. Think another site is where we are going. We need it to be. We've tried but we can't write as in carefully choosing words, forming sentences and organising using formal officially happened education skills instead of the venting and freewriting basic mental health outlet that this is. To join the "allowed to exist" and the not allowed to exist parts of our brain which is the larger part of course.

Its so good to not feel needs that we know will not be meet. Moony's lessons on how to be and not be ruined by the truth or deny it either and still feel good are invaluable.

To be able to be in touch with that really important really early really central to us st…

Hi Dad.

tuna, pasta, salad, made garlic bread with a pannini, got wine, got weed, been taking our meds not too bad, remembering more about seeing our Dad in the hospital, a butterfly landed on us and we put in some new plants and moved one of the climbers. Feels good. Really good.

We've been note writing, by hand and word processor mostly about this, we are thinking about starting another blog to talk about this one. Its exhausting just forcing a word or two after all these decades of efforts to stop us knowing and stop us saying and being we went built on eons of others before us.

People are forced to take part in it in large numbers despite everything they are but then they are kept close to misery and groomed to believe if we escaped the stories we would tell would point the finger at them and theres so they must help keep us here, keep us down to protect them and there's from paranoid fantasies about what would happen if the truth was known and generations of exprience that when …

New Day

Read too many slavery mentioning memes on twitter. If someone sold your children would you would want statues of them? No. Also wouldn't want them to have high profile music industry careers or still be allowed in the Whitehouse in the 21st Century either. We just want to smoke weed and play on our phone but we are out of weed and lives on our favourite games.

Its been so much better in general recently though.

..

Even better know with the weed and game giving me extra games..

It's not we went on twitter for the reasons people went on twitter. We knew they were going to force us onto social media as a method of triggering us when they didn't have the support for direct abuse any more. Another lot used it as an excuse to put us down in general to make sure we didn't get too lucid online too often and to remind us of our place of course.

We could never really shake either of them. We need redo the blog front page. This quite a fucking thought. Want to try write more and…
We had to say no. It's gotten to us anyway. It's a shame but we had her number for a while and needed and never used it because we couldn't handle the exposure to bullshitting addictism. We feel all kind of triggered and get mean and defenceive in the hope of jarring them to a halt but we know its too late for our mental and emotional well being and the attempts at damage limitation just replay later and make us feel worse.

We need the space though and she isn't going to pick up on us having needs that arn't drugs. She said she has bad problems with paranoia and as much as she wants our weed and she has helped us in the past we don't think she needs to be looked like she is a cross between Laura and Elaine and we definitely don't want to be looking at someone and thinking that.

We are okay but we feel its a bit of a meaningless thing to say in the context of this blog and the number of times those words or similar have been said when it wasn't true an…

Good luck America

We have been craving proper writing, actually crafting and leaving and going back instead of splurging. We hiding in the phone games and the nice feeling in our flesh while remember how horrible it's been without going back there.

We feel both loved a fought for daughter and wife and the handed around slave at the some time with imploding or denying too much. The spectrums of us don't seem to conflict and deny each other like we always used to.

We would be were free but we have remembered what it feels like and we don't feel pretend we can get where we need by people who have never helped us in the past suddenly having a change of heart.  We are comfortable in the limbo because we feel so much more centred than we have for a long time and much less dislocated. Less trapped in manipulated cycles of emotional trapped in trauma parts and more like a human who has been treated very badly but has found some space now and is able to do a not too bad job of appreciating it and …

....

Today.. 0% chance of rain. Fabulous. Bit too cloudy to sit out too much though and we are into phone games again now that we have a functioning touch screen.

It's soo nice when it's nice to be.

...

It's. A lot like that today to. And we have weed. And it's the tenth.. (we wrote death there). Didn't actually noticed until we said it was on the tenth our sister died and after that checked the date. We've been all over lots of our self recently without it being overwhelming. We are grounded in a family who loves us and will see again and we are not fighting for physicial safety for ourself and as many little kids as possible like we always have been.

..

Margo said if Laura lived she would of fought harder. Laura said the same. "How's your Mum?" The  G.P. asked.. still dying me replied..she was surprised we knew.. We said we knew because we had spoke to her and she had never souded so carefree and relaxed before. And that we were worried about who wo…

Monday

It's not just the antidepressants and the weed honey. It's cause you love us.

We are playing silly surgery game on phone in bed an we feel lovely, lovely and little and close to you. We get double rewards on the game if we watch ads so we are writing this when they are on! Everything feels real and not in an unreal when it feels like all that matters is the evil but in a real and going to be okay kind of way.

..

Pal been round so there's been wine and got more weed. She was the one that had to do the fetching. We were obvs giving it a point blank refusal and apoliesing while not providing any explanation. She did it though. Bless her. We doing silly surgery and half thinking about non silly surgeries.. sometimes almost all thinking.

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It's still there. That happy sighing and inner peace and hope. Still additied to the silly surgery and the processing, love it the way games can trigger and distract at the same time and when you are aware and strong enough you really f…

Daddy I think I've found a friend.

Hello beautiful amazing strong sexy gorgeous wonderful husband who loves us very very much and always has and always will and see us all of us no matter how much they made you not see us and how much we couldn't yous.

Husband who know the penis of to and not just from providing medical attention and being locked up naked and starved together or from being forced to watch them hurt you and picture or being shown the pictures they took just like you know all our physical female parts and scars. Those worries that it wasn't right that we were already to family already and it would pretty much be incest. Definitely all crap.. Definitely. Daddy did say that, that he had seen the way we were when we talked about you and then when he met you how we looked at you and how you talked to us. He wandered off to cry he was so relieved but we knew we he would so let him go and then went after him. He hadn't gotten far out the hanger. It was a different crying and that was strange at fi…

We'll never hand it over for you to destroy.

Been looking through the photos on this computer, mostly of Laura's two growing up, but occasions when Pabs was there to with his blond curls, big dark eyes and huge smile, sturdy build, unbelievably beautiful babe, seriously. Eventuly found a viewer that worked in all the various ones that didn't. Started some folders "Baby pics" for pabs and are thinking about all the ways you can get albums and print outs sent to you. Would like to do it for the kids up the road to. And me. We could get a big ALF picture and put it on a wall.. we are not unaware this is stuff we couldnt go near before. Laura took them out a lot and there is plenty evidence of happy, healthy kids having a good time as well as the reminders of off camera shit and less happy shit, there's one in particular with Pabs and Grace looking into the camera and the look in the eyes and the body language is fucking horrible.

We weren't overwhelmed by the triggers of looking at the adults from a safe …

Free Berwick

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We didn't have that same dread over coming back. First time for this lot to be returning from anything other that inpatient psychiatry to Johnstonlessness.. It went well. Really well from the perspective of our anxiety and panic levels. It was Berwick though and we could spot the lack of anxiety over the area when we choose it. Not quite England. Not quite Scotland. The boat tour guy said his wife wasn't happy about not a vote during the indy ref. Quite right to. It's Berwick of course it should of got a fucking vote. Of course we don't have much sense of why we give a fuck about it, we didn't expect to feel less wary or more comfortable with the people. All lot of Newcastle way accents and we were reminded how the Borders accents sound so similar when you haven't heard either in a long time and that we quite like them. We reckon there is fair amount of resentment in the North of England that they are excluded from the vague hope of Scottish independence and r…