..dear reader..

Just spent about half an hour re-arranging my pictures. Suddenly they seemed so prop like. Artificial. We will sort out a box of toys for the living room tomorrow and take the clothes drier in here. Stared at the 'Chocolat' print wondering if it has a safe place. I left it where it is. The mood has been breaking. I applied to college, cleaned the kitchen. Bought her a card, forgot the address but phoned to tell her.. I bought myself wine (Morrision's extra special), fair trade chocolates and received a very humble gift from the green goddess. Watched news. Syria. BBC News, reporter saying they were finding groups of women without any men, the women said they took them all way. An older man said he saw them round up males and spilt their throats. Pictures of bloody corpses, a man stumbling across mounds of dirt with a child shape wrapped in white cloth. I've been reading Peter Levine, just a little. I knew when I was younger that prolonged disocation o...

Really nasty dream last night, biggest sis said the jumper I was wearing had been a present from her to me and she wanted it back, she took it off me. I protested back my mum was on her side. Lots of trying to save babies from my mum, pointless phone calls to the police and trying to convince myself that because wee man is four hes safe now. When I first came round, first I had to figure out where I was and after that I felt like there is no fucking way I'm leaving him with them this weekend. At the moment I'm hoping its like the big talking boulders in the Labyrinth telling them to turn back, at their worst when your own the right track. Still scared though. But I need it, I need to move forward but I can't bare the thought of anything happening to him. I don't know if I should go, I know I probably will go though, I'm hard wired to be brave whenever possible. He's so adorable how can I even think of doing anything that might put him in danger.. Saw ...

Well, my friend drop by and left a little 'friend' so I'm no longer thinking of sticking pins in the eyes of radio one Djs or fire bombing the exgirldfriends of lovers that drank my blood. Theres fuck all mysterious or supernatural about being scared of people who drank your blood. Its a fucking awful thing to do to another human being. To take the life force of someone else inside you without their permission. And thats without thinking about how they obtained said blood. Lots of believes about freedom coming from literaly destroying boundries. It doesnt destroy dualism only strenthens it. I wish I could say more. But this is primary an outlet for me, although I have a lot of time for people who have missions to educate and enlighten about abuse thats not where I am. I am all about me, this is all about me, waiting and doing my best to believe that its not going to happen again. I dont need to be split anymore, its ok to look down. All thats there is belly fat an...