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Showing posts from 2015

Limbo

Feeling it today. Hiding out in bedroom while N and wee man play Zelda. A family meeting will have to happen soon. Never easy for any family but this family trigger our muted parts. Lips sealed because of the traumas and because no one listened or acted or even responded sometimes.  God there was so much hate for any kind of standing up for yourself or others. Even we were in trying to make the best of it states we could feel how much we weren't wanted it turned the air to smog and made the ground quick sand. Some of us and others who did time with the rings torturing them and telling them that they were Louise and that they were me so they would have parts that believed thought Louise's family hated us because we were steeling her place. Louise wasn't treated any better though and they didn't seem to care or fight for each other much either.. Our memory is influential of course as is all of yours. Did they think it was us that was bringing the traffickers in? Did so m…

Now what.

An other funeral to get through. More kids to miss. We havent been here for them much since their mum died we've been drowning and getting our fingers stamped on everytime we bash against a sea weedy rock to briefly clutch. Being alone with our wee man is triggering enough. The three of them and us like we have been the ridiculous and horrific crap that will kill us if think for a minute that we are safe leaves nothing.  Days before we realised we were scared to the point of physical illness at the idea of them not staying with Margo or me anymore. Were not comfortble with a language that talks about letting human beings go because its bollcks we were thinking that what with us still having an pulse and other shit that has happened over the last year and a half and not not discussed here in any way that we dont fear for the bairns safety like we used to. Our head is still mince of course and we are no real state to mention names and not in a bad enough state to just do it anyway b…

Just like mother..

She was always amazing and to be in an environment where we could just be and not hide what we were about was always so brilliant. She was just as bad. What a history. You won't be reading about it in a weekend supplement with a national newspaper any time soon unfortunately. Fighting more or less blind. We had so much tell each other. We were falling clues left by predecessors without any illusions about what happens to folk like us. So many kept locked up, squished and enslaved decade after decade. British authorities attitudes to intelligent sensitive people hasn't changed much in last few centuries, kill it or split it. She asked to track down one of the girls we still see everywhere. Scratched codes in attics and other places, there faces in mirrors behind us. Shouting 'Viva la revolution' in their Edwardian pinafores with double all the power and purpose of any of the French blokes that came before them. Women see their futures taken from them every time there is…

D.C

Didn't get out of bed much again today Daddy. Think about you lots and what they did to your legs. And how I got you out.  It will be breaking a lot of hearts as more people find out why we have such a horrific time of it over here and how horrific it is. We don't want to think to much about the therapist this now but knowing you know helps. What can we have ever of done differently? We wouldn't of been able to just be and serve in the states like we did if more people had known. Seeing someone question everything you have worked so hard for them to understand about you before your eyes. You can move forward from it but its changed the relationship forever. Just what they want when they prefer you not to have any relationships at all.Which version of her can we believe was real? Her D.I.D was awful and there was only so much we could help her when so much of horribleness was the direct result of things she had signed for or was done in her name, her office. Russian mum alw…

None of this is real.. Right?

Mummy I just realised you hardly got out of bed at all today.Hope he forgives us for all the times we hardly get out of bed. We never had a problem with it. As long as there were hugs. Sometimes we would get too scared and forget everything and wouldn't be able to go in and ask for one she helped us work out steps to get up the courage to go in. But what if we are wrong about everything. But your not. Things were never simple though. We were never alone. His accent and vocabulary have become that of his favorite you tuber. Who is a well mannered young man but it hasn't helped how hard we take his know it all ness. We are scared of him and what this life if continues as it has been will turn him into. We know its down to us. We need to make him see us but we feel we have so little left for him and no where safe for him to go. Sunday nights. Been our cutting or want to cut night for months now. Skene early nineties some of the worst of it all. The posh boys didn't get so han…

Bastard (fuck the British Establishment)

Its not so bad, my arm. Hate that we are screaming like that. Not remembering as much as reliving everything that dragged us here. We are still mending bridges in our mind though. Blokes holding up notes, pointing at the profile and then pointing down at us. All so funny. Got the procurers excited in a different way. It was obvious they got off on uttering the very words to punters.  Posh palace paper pushers hated us and would still do anything to end this particular embarresment. Everyone else loves us but no where was ever safe for long. It was used in the Scottish RA as an excuse for other kids to be trained to distrust and trigger us. While anything we built up on our own would be undermined when it got out. When we were accepted we knew the violence was on its way and soon we would be back in Britain, torture, rescues, hiding, programming, escapes, capture, torture.. Filthy Soviet spy, little bastard whore and all. But they dont rape me mum and they care people and how can this …

Take me to church.

Plenty times there was no morning after pill though. If you are someone they are making effort to take down and we are regardless of how amnesiac or active we are then folk doing rounds aren't going to get near.  When they really have you, you need formal state signatures to get out. So if your in the UK your fucked because the forces that put you there work in the interests and direct orders of the fuckers who put you there. As the blood in Patrick Church testified. Safe. Spoonie didn't get that one. Mates dont need signatures and we dont always need signatures or mates to get out. Needed everything back then. It never came. Or came hurt and unprepared. Still waiting but need them much less to protect us from Gabe, Elaine, Shona McMann. Not sure about other Scots though or London & Leeds & Manchester crews though. So close to saving Louise. Too close. If we had just been stronger on the day. It was Gabe's. We keep saying it. We never stop. Help. Don't leave u…

Just pretend its not real

Can't touch the clean memory button and vanish like the beginning of grim blog post that hasn't been saved. Its OK though. We are all struggling. Knowing we need to be in our own flesh but knowing that flesh comes with so much pain and revulsion at the way its been treated. And not being able to stop opening your flesh up with a kitchen devil. Also not good for any of us.We bought that kitchen knife like we always do. We would love that we thought of preparing food or arts and crafts but when buying kitchen knifes but we don't. Some of us cant relax if there is nothing sharp in the kitchen or closer.We weren't conscious of how new the handle looked when we took it upstairs. Its been all about the mummy love me as I rape you flashbacks atm. They we after a pregnancy. Its all about the pregnancies and the fear of pregnancies. And orgasms. And getting specific shots for porn and public humiliation and hate. They are always very determined and would of got a pregnancy if i…

Upper left arm lac

Didn't intend to cut so deep. All the other knives are blunter than we thought. Mostly bruises and temporary scratches.  Not the last time though. Needed stitches. We sang for them but none came. Stuck it together with a plaster and selotape. No one to take us and we weren't gonna bus it. Taxi there and back. £40. We were in and out in minutes. She said it didn't look deep before looking at. Opened up what hadn't healed as she cleaned it said it was too late that it didn't look infected and will leave a bad scar stuck gauze and a dressing and that was that. She called us some kind of affectionate term as we left but we didn't hear. Too busy scurrying out of there in tears. Always check a cutters temp ppl. There may be others we are not showing. And it makes us think you might give a fuck.Another cloud for the dragon tattoo. We would rather it wasn't there or wasn't as bad.Programming. Fucking hate it.Help.

later in november..

We often find our thoughts leaning towards the benifits of drug therapies.. Gabapenten holding our hand again. It all sounds the same, granted but our brain isn't.Could invest in ourselves enough to buy a decent tablet puter.  Very happy. So much we can do now that we couldnt do before. So many therapy apps..We have finished with the therapist we were seeing and are still avoiding all msm news. Except for the front pages we fail to avoid.. We are lighter of a lot worst of it or getting there at least. Couldnt say we feel like ourselves but we are starting to recognise us better.Stomach muscles sore sometimes with the super stressed breathing that gets us sometimes particularly after sleeping or contact with Margo. Or when we think about some of the stuff that went on with therapist but we are getting more confident in getting though it without falling back into all the squished up pieces again.Not what would comfortably describe as 'present' but wouldn't say we weren&#…

November

Just need to be sedated in your arms for a year or two and we will be fine. Necking the gabapentin again, pain too constant to triggering. We need different, better drugs. But we have been saying that for a while. I'm sure if you could do something about it you could. 
Feel we have enough of the corners and edge pieces of this extraordinary jigsaw that we just want want hit the inhibitions and get going with the rest. Don't need anyone bullshitting us so we can pretend there's an alternative to the truth. 
So ready.

still breathing

Sent an email to therapist saying we wont be back. Impossible to get any further, too many forces pushed her away from seeing us at the times it matter most. Our coping mechanisms and the traumas they attempt to get us through are beyond her training and experience.  We told her about the pink jelly stuff with the dark line in it on the medical gauze and how it was Gabe early and during desperate life and death times and for whatever reason she fucked up and told us it wasn't true. Then we wanted to quit but abusers wouldnt let us. We told her about that to.

She did some of us good to. It wasn't all damage. But when she denied that she was denying when her whole existence it wasn't just the memories we had to shove at back of a drawer, locked the drawer, roll the chest to the back of a cupboard, lock the house then run to another country it was but our whole identity, my whole self. She tried to tell us that is wasn't our whole identity but we were there for DID thera…

..rsvp..

Hi Dad,

We have started post with those two words a few times not sure if we managed more few words nevermind ever hitting 'publish'. Maybe there is heaps of them. Don't know. Not checking.. We have giving in to the waiting to be rescued. Its the end of term next week and we have gone the whole time paying almost £2 a day because we havent got it in us to to sort out the free school meals so all the steps to getting his passport renewed aren't happening.

 Margo phoned and asked if we would go down this evening and watch a film, eat some snacks said she wanted some adult company so what the fuck she is asking us for I don't know. I'd like some adult company to. As therapist would say its not our job to meet her social needs so we said we would think about it but have no intention and made repeated V signs at the phone once it was over.

Hash and a new old xbox game are our main crutches this now and will continue to lean on them heavily tonight. I have made prio…

hate titles

Thirtytwo in his class. We're not comfortable with that as a class size for a any kid but for our kid and the evil shit thats happened in primary schools in recent years and beyond it fucking terrifies us. He was talking this afternoon about getting into trouble for not listening, fidgeting and messing about that sort of stuff. Says he gets bored and his ears switch off. He was saying how unfair it is thats five days on two days off. We suggested he tried pretending to listen better and maybe taking a day of school next week to go somewhere. He wasnt all that enthusiastic said he wanted a party.. Talked about his pal in Dundee who hopefully is long gone from her sick mum so no way of him seeing her.

Trying to remember anything from all the crap that went down various times we went back over to Grahams if there was anything said that can help us out with now and next but its easier to catch fish with bare hands. The constant awareness that our current mental and emotional ranges a…

Inertia

Everytime we open the new post box parts slide, skulk, bolt, disappear down fox holes, behind walls I cant see the top off, atomise themselves away or casually wonder off while whistling through their teeth.  They don't want to open up and share here in the dark with no idea who is watching and who isnt. Littles know they are conditioned to 'write home' and have no inclination to keep pretending they don't know what that's all about. Usually the only people and places that felt like a real home were the last places and people we would be writing anything to. Killing them ourself would often be better option in terms of trauma and loss at least then they wouldn't be tortured, programmed, enslaved, bred, experimented on and used as against us.

We wish we could manage our time better. Encourage parts to articulate their needs and working with each other. Organising a schedule that could be done day after was never going to work, way to triggering of what the abus…

our room is nice but the kitchen is still wrong even when we clean it

We hope to celebrate September better in other years. It not over this year yet and we are eating and washing, cleaning, spending more time engaging junior and the xbox. The tearfulness at the thought of another day or night here isnt as bad. More of a sense of our history being here with us is probably the main reason.  The main 'must be real memories' and the narratives that they hold together haven't been forced on us for a while so we can feel again and the real narratives are beyond the high walls of what many people think is possible.

If we had been passport applications in the local post office we would have one now. Printers, ink etc feels just beyond us still. Its frustrating but when we start examining the issues raised, triggers its a hell of a shit storm. The thought of an outside of the uk Christmas: the shiny swinging pendulum that is as soon as summer's over, brought smiles to parts that have been down for a while. They know we achieve nothing when so …

September 2015 ..

Third full week of schools being back? Fourth? Long enough that the mornings have started hurting again. Still on 100% attendance so far and we know we need to push as hard as we can with getting him out there and ourself whenever possible. A short walk in the morning that cant be bad for our health except for the times when being around lots of people and kids is unbearable of course. There was so much impending doom at the thought of routine and crowds and expectations at the end of the holidays when the mornings were ok it was a needed relief.
The thought of there really being nothing else going on for us than his schooling generously provided by the British stretching into infinity ahead of us is physically a difficult thing to tolerate. He's quite happy to go with his blanket amnesia about who he and his mum is and how hard the fight for us both to still be alive has been. It will all be there. Everything.  Glad that he is socialising and learning we just wish we were social…

"but none of it is real"

Attempting to communicate internally or externally just adds to the force keeping us scared and confused but the sense of a future elsewhere at times feels like its getting closer. The heartlessness over here is what makes it realer but so many are so heartbroken that things never changed that love in the present couldnt smash up all the hold the rings have over us.

We try and knock down walls just to open our eyes and find we are building them higher. Its programming we know from the worst years put there to make sure we didnt get the help we needed to get us safe after Louise was gone so we could actually live instead of being triggered all the time cant really process any of it effectively when so many of the conditions that made all that torture, slavery and captivity possible are still ongoing.

Any effort justs pulls us into thinking feeling repeating everything that is apart from what we are even feeling the possibility of a step away from the worst would take me further from e…

Are we there yet?

Image
There it is .. The pink bathroom with all the butterflies and flowers and the metal wall art.
Got it last week from Pound Stretchers or one of them type places. N took as there and refused to let us pay for our shopping.
It's significance .. I'm not sure but think it might have some .. we remember sitting on the edge of the bed back in a Fintry with someone we don't particularly want to name showing them how programmed and determined our future was. We asked them to choose which they thought we would prefer, the one saying 'Home' or the one saying 'Love' an obvious choice for anyone who knows anything really about us and our history..
Whatever us ( if it was us at all) said that was it. She was done, no more programming. What the fuck that means now I don't fucking know. Do we believe that we are not going to find ourselves seeing and hearing things and not remembering when they were arranged? Highly unlikely but 'stranger things have happened' is …
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Sent an email to ask about advocacy today. Not easy. Need help. 
We may of made some kind of forced to attemp last year but we where so splintered & petrified. The "landlord" and his assistant turned up at the door again. Still telling me to tidy up when I can't etc .. 
Boiler has been fixed though! Showers are now possible without standing shivering as the water loses temp then heats up again. 
Place is a bit better today because N was done and did some work, built the TV unit and put up the curtain rail that have been in boxes for months. 
It will never feel safe just us and wee man here with all these triggers but there are maybe signs that some of us are starting to feel a bit better.  At least the year is over. A long way from being able to spend that much time engaged in something other than trying not to drown but we have been spending  slightly less time under duvet.  Wee man will slowly get one parent back and that is something here and now. 
Obviously though any…

..don't worry..

Landlords assistant txted about the rent difference. We asked about the boiler and got a txt back saying the landlord would be coming round for a viewing so the place should be cleaner. Txted back pissed off. None of the work that was supposed to get down has been done. He's a bullying cunt. Hate people like that . Just coz he's a bloke with some dosh we thinks he's entitled to lie and fuck with people. What fucking use is hot water that runs cold every couple of minutes. It's hard enough for us to persuade ourself into shower as it is.. Years of the same shit, work that's going to get done but is never mentioned again. Waiting for workers that don't show. He was horrible last time. We were already down. It was February.
Joys of school term. Hassled for dinner money. Can't face council offices. Can't handle school triggers. Can't handle the isolation. 
Been thinking little about painting kitchen. But can't commit to staying here. Like this. Can…

Echo

How long do we have to spend rumaging though the detritus. Picking through hands to find one with the rest of a person attached and a pulse inside. I've a giant bunch of keys but it's an ancient lock and probably just another sick game another aptitude test or part of remember your ours weekend of tricks triggers and torture. Nothing they are going to give us will get us out of here but sometimes you have no option but to play along like you don't know what's coming or that we can hear a word that's said. 
But we can't do it alone from here. All those little broken hearts all the little uses shadowing and trailing in the trees. So small to be alone to be so good at hiding so close to the ground but still  see further than we can dream.
They should be with us instead of standing semi conscious in lines never far from each other with brains battered into never seeing each other. For decades as the other kids laugh through  us. Trailing lives that burn up everything…

10th of August

It wasn't the time to be thinking about where all this shit came from. Not for us anyway. Some of what happened to mum she never let me see. She said we had to trust her and we did. Usually. I'd seen how hard she fought to stop me knowing and felt her terror when it looked like I might see so we never looked now matter how hard people tried to make us. We did our time tracing this terror back through the wars and further of course what with mother and her friends' files we were allowed to see and lots more across the globe but there was still a sense of not knowing and had asked her is the stuff she would never tell us had something to do with the 10th of August and she agreed. It didnt take too many years of survivng the worst days or given getting through the quieter times that you often had to let everything you thought you knew to be real.

Especially in August. 
Getting through it meant abandoning all sense of the past rather than watch as all your safe places were tur…

Your all programmed UK. And everyone knows.

Usual can't wake up properly here not enough support.. Getting there through the levels (Hi Dad & co). They can't treat us with respect here that's for fucking certain. Few Brits do if they are not military, police or otherwise trained in recognising and resisting mindcontrol and systematic child abuse by ourselves or by someone we trained.

Fucking revolting State. Our while life we have been contacted by people from all over the world saying they know about me, they know about Louise, they know about the music the experiments, the schools, the NHS, the programming, the money the sonar the radios the labotomies the breeding the GM the triggers our skills our friends the murders the total absence of any child safety anywhere the money the MPs the city and they say thank you for any help we gave them.. 
Not here though. Abuser contact only. 
'You don't exist.'
The world disagrees UK and most had no problem noticing that the writer here and Louise Johnston were tw…

..well..

Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham.

The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime.

Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him.

Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC..

Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at arms lengt…

Damn it.

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us. 
Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean. 
Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem. 
Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't ab…

Proper bam

Hello.
So much from the last couple of years has exposed itself. Bertie really is a grooming raping bastard as we may of mentioned before. Ferris associate and the worst of the police, intel traffickers etc. it's not new new stuff though.. Nothing from living in this house. When he admited stuff from when we were young we didn't even care. We know it must of started young because of how wierd we get around him. Not ourselves. Amnesiac.
Guess you need a bloke to do your hovering before you can properly come to terms with how often he has been involved in ruining our and others lifes. 
Yep lots of stuff about the last couple of years most of which we don't feel up for blogging or talking about with T. 
Yes I am concerned that I let someone into my house who is deeply involved in abuse networks, who has raped before and now knows everything about where me, junior & the cuzs often sleep.. But we do feel awake and present enough without the extreme anxiety know that we know tha…

It does change.

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure.

We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely n…

Co consciousness DID

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed.
We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abuse…

hallucinations and babies

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none …

very military

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok?

Very military, in the 80s they were setting things u…

you start of thinking about incest and end back at radio 1 DJs..

Well thank you landlord and landlord's people, we have a bubbly noise in our ear that is starting to get achy. We havent been sticking in ear headphones in them minutes after showering, we have been washing our hair in the bath because you haven't replaced the sensor in the boiler. And expect a call any month now about either of the blokes who were supposed to have fixed the living room damp patch. Our skills are fairly painting over shit based, whats up there .. way up there.. needs more than paint..

Would like to think the decent moods and motivation thats been around a bit more might help stave of a full on ear infection, we've been eating some pretty healthy home cooked meals in evenings. Tea, joints and biscuits if anything solid at all during the day though. We know that we dont have the kind of metabolism that can cope with that, it feels like self abuse and self care at the same time.. emotional rewards being, not having the pressures & triggers of sourcing/pr…

initiating pinkification..

We are excited.

After living here for eight months of living here, five months since the paint arrived and three months since we took down all the fixings, the decorating of the small bathroom has begun.. All those metal hearts and flowers and butterflies will soon no longer be languishing under piles of stuff. The hardest part, getting the ladder/scaffolding in there without death or injury and then getting paint into the worst to reach corners is done. It is very pink. Paint is never quite the shaded expected but who cares when you go from patchy dirty walls to fresh clean paint.  Swear its down to all the extra communicating with the male parts that has unleashed all this 'feminine' aesthetics.. 'Get what you want.' our comfort is theirs..

We didnt know it would all get started yesterday but we realised that when found ourselfs working in the garden that we were in less pain and had more energy.. Its the landlord that is holding up the living room, there is water d…

Social & economic inequality without any clothes on.

We really, really need to remember and not waver from the whole never clicking on referring urls thing unless we know exactly where it will lead. No matter how innocent the URL may appear.. There's nothing we can say except stuff like we really genuinely hope you all die soon & suddenly & alone you sick capitalist cunts..