December 29, 2015

Limbo

Feeling it today. Hiding out in bedroom while N and wee man play Zelda. A family meeting will have to happen soon. Never easy for any family but this family trigger our muted parts. Lips sealed because of the traumas and because no one listened or acted or even responded sometimes.  God there was so much hate for any kind of standing up for yourself or others. Even we were in trying to make the best of it states we could feel how much we weren't wanted it turned the air to smog and made the ground quick sand.

Some of us and others who did time with the rings torturing them and telling them that they were Louise and that they were me so they would have parts that believed thought Louise's family hated us because we were steeling her place. Louise wasn't treated any better though and they didn't seem to care or fight for each other much either.. Our memory is influential of course as is all of yours.

Did they think it was us that was bringing the traffickers in? Did so many people really enjoy raping and selling each other? Their trouble didn't start when Louise was born no way could that be true. Then we realised they were all just doing what they were told and weren't interested in even telling us apart.  Some of us realised early it was going to kill us. That the ' family' may or not be the ones to commit the actual murders but it the orders they carried out years, decades before placed us at the scene of our deaths and no one who could stop it would.

The aim is that the victim is dissociated to an extent that they never identity with their own flesh again and will be a meat puppet until death.  For us that fight to get home to our core, to control our own bodies and choices can't give up on ideals of basic human dignity but there is little here to give us much hope. Too many of our worst abusers have unquestioned support and everything is rigged to keep us from meeting our own needs.

We can't say it enough and we will never stop burning over the hobbling of generation after generation, we what the UK is and does. From the flimsy rotting facades of its culture to the absolute control of everything through horrific violence and advanced forms of social control behind everything. Not in a slaughter and maim people sort of way but in a constant physically painful need to be else where so my life can begin. So we can stop being scared of wee man and start truly accepting and processing anything.

We wish we could write better but whenever we read over what we have written we see what we want to say and the words we need and how far away they are. We've learned that the closer we feel to the things and people that make us feel safe and valued the further they really are. Its just another trick to destroy morale. It works.

We miss our kids. We need them. We are told nothing at times when we have a chance to really take in what's being said. Too busy trying to reduce the damage caused by everything else that is going on. Its not always the intention of whoever talks to us to overwhelm us so we become some kind of dissociated we have had many parts in many able states over the years but they get prevented from doing anymore working or socialising sooner or later. Its always devastating to the rest of us when we loose a professional, a communicator. Its no good having friends who would and could do anything for you if you have no means of contacting them or explaining the depths and complexity or the shit you are in.

...

We have to ask since we are in that kind of a pained mood. Was that an Xmas present from your people Liz? A sorry we slaughtered Anastasia but that is what we do after all but since your still annoying alive we better offer some kind of sick assed peace offering because we are being pressured into it?

..

We don't know what they fuck to do about having a name even for ourselves. If we asked our husband we think he would probably say if we forced him Diane or maybe Alexis. Its very hard to get away from the revolutionary well connected women since of who we are but part of that is being yourself and fighting for others to have the opportunities to be themselves not have a destiny mapped out for you before your born. It makes us feel unScottish which is always in it's favour if we are able to think outside the cell. 

December 27, 2015

Now what.

An other funeral to get through. More kids to miss. We havent been here for them much since their mum died we've been drowning and getting our fingers stamped on everytime we bash against a sea weedy rock to briefly clutch. Being alone with our wee man is triggering enough. The three of them and us like we have been the ridiculous and horrific crap that will kill us if think for a minute that we are safe leaves nothing.  Days before we realised we were scared to the point of physical illness at the idea of them not staying with Margo or me anymore. Were not comfortble with a language that talks about letting human beings go because its bollcks we were thinking that what with us still having an pulse and other shit that has happened over the last year and a half and not not discussed here in any way that we dont fear for the bairns safety like we used to.

Our head is still mince of course and we are no real state to mention names and not in a bad enough state to just do it anyway but the fuckers do not have the hold over Scottish victims lives like they have for centuries. They are still in control over everything else of course but we cant fight ignorance in high tech cultures at the expensive of our own flesh. I have seen to many sisters and brothers die because I thought they knew better. Broken hearts in cornered fighters. I guess its how they get anyone.

We never knew Margo as a fighter. Maybe she might of been or even was once but we never saw it and that always made it hard for us to respect or understand her when she was alive.  We have been so scared of her because we knew she would never have our back. There was no truth and we were whoever she was told we were.

There is relief but its still more shock with no one to lean on or talk to.

December 20, 2015

Just like mother..

She was always amazing and to be in an environment where we could just be and not hide what we were about was always so brilliant. She was just as bad. What a history. You won't be reading about it in a weekend supplement with a national newspaper any time soon unfortunately. Fighting more or less blind. We had so much tell each other. We were falling clues left by predecessors without any illusions about what happens to folk like us. So many kept locked up, squished and enslaved decade after decade. British authorities attitudes to intelligent sensitive people hasn't changed much in last few centuries, kill it or split it. She asked to track down one of the girls we still see everywhere. Scratched codes in attics and other places, there faces in mirrors behind us. Shouting 'Viva la revolution' in their Edwardian pinafores with double all the power and purpose of any of the French blokes that came before them. Women see their futures taken from them every time there is almost massive social change. We know we are betrayed and the misogyny from high and low alike will turn our sons into our most feared abusers so we do whatever we can to hand down whatever we can to the unborn enlightened in the hope that they will have a chance.  She said she could get us out of Scotland if we found her. They pimp our minds long long after our bodies aren't much value to them.

Still bloody waiting mum and my zombie 'sister' is still the fascist puppet on the throne surrounded by rapists of all kinds.

He who controls the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. So much promise ruined. So much science held back. All these lies lived in terror, hunger and pain as the truth and dignity we are all entitled to is kept back so a bunch of vicious gangsters and their industries can maintain their false authority.

Separate the boys and the girls then manipulate, program, train, brainwash and torture them in different ways so we never have each others backs or can truly fight side by side again. Ritual Abuse, state sponsored mass human rights violations and all the programming in Britain did not begin in the 1980s.  They have been breeding people, slaughtering people, torturing babies and experimenting with turning people into robots for much longer than that. They did ramp up the scale and modernise it then though.

I miss my family. I worry about Andy I know he will be worried about us. I miss talking without having to bullshit or dissociate with Beatie and everyone. Miss bloody useless Will and I'm not all that sure about you H. Miss big ears of course and my Papa, who gave us a most wonderful education and some lovely troops.

Trying not to get depressed at thought of being stuck here next year. Survive a day at a time and our energy levels have been a bit better. Still though. Where the fuck is my brain and know we are terrified and trained to never actually be who we are here but come on, how the fuck are we going to get away with a mind like this?

As always we focus on the negative and not the positive..  

December 14, 2015

D.C

Didn't get out of bed much again today Daddy. Think about you lots and what they did to your legs. And how I got you out.  It will be breaking a lot of hearts as more people find out why we have such a horrific time of it over here and how horrific it is. We don't want to think to much about the therapist this now but knowing you know helps. What can we have ever of done differently? We wouldn't of been able to just be and serve in the states like we did if more people had known. Seeing someone question everything you have worked so hard for them to understand about you before your eyes. You can move forward from it but its changed the relationship forever. Just what they want when they prefer you not to have any relationships at all.

Which version of her can we believe was real? Her D.I.D was awful and there was only so much we could help her when so much of horribleness was the direct result of things she had signed for or was done in her name, her office. Russian mum always said it was useless that the violence against women and women in power particularly was too much. She was right of course but nothing prepare us for what's really happened to us here and how cheaply all humans but small ones in particular are treated. 

We all knew you fought with everything you had when you were a child because the years of breeding took out every women without exception. That was a Royal women thing not a Soviet thing.

Cried loads today. The cats a doing my head in. Ran out of money and had to ask M for some more for sanitary towels and food for junior and the bloody fur balls. Wasn't up for asking N for more. He is supposed to popping in over Xmas and we said great of course for junior to play with but now we are so triggered. What was going on with him.. Hes never been an easy guy to talk honesty to.

This is not forever. This is not forever. And I'm not going to die any time soon either.

Diane Capri.

December 13, 2015

None of this is real.. Right?

Mummy I just realised you hardly got out of bed at all today.

Hope he forgives us for all the times we hardly get out of bed. We never had a problem with it. As long as there were hugs. Sometimes we would get too scared and forget everything and wouldn't be able to go in and ask for one she helped us work out steps to get up the courage to go in. But what if we are wrong about everything. But your not.

Things were never simple though. We were never alone. His accent and vocabulary have become that of his favorite you tuber. Who is a well mannered young man but it hasn't helped how hard we take his know it all ness. We are scared of him and what this life if continues as it has been will turn him into. We know its down to us. We need to make him see us but we feel we have so little left for him and no where safe for him to go.

Sunday nights. Been our cutting or want to cut night for months now. Skene early nineties some of the worst of it all. The posh boys didn't get so hands on so much anymore they sent the Dream Team and others instead. They did what they wanted then put us back under. Always tied. Always heavy. Starvation and pregnancies.

How do you not abandon all hope of home during all that.

We could smell them and remember their hugs for a while. Mum and Dad. After a while we lost who they were but got flashes if their smiles and warmth. But we lost that to. They had mapped us to well. Pretending didn't work. There was no time after to fix our head after and remember who we were.

Florida Dad? You lucky bastard. But we know it means little with things as they are. Even if they are better in that they are quieter with less attacks. You were always so wary of pushing us. It was and is exactly what we need.

We will do our best over Christmas and try not to cry too much. Its still a couple of weeks away and a lot could happen in that time.. If it doesn't us and the dude will cozy, feed and have each other and the a Wii U from N.. Probably shouldn't complain but we bloody will.

Love you Dad.
I love you Mum.

Alexis.

Xx

December 12, 2015

Bastard (fuck the British Establishment)

Its not so bad, my arm. Hate that we are screaming like that. Not remembering as much as reliving everything that dragged us here. We are still mending bridges in our mind though. Blokes holding up notes, pointing at the profile and then pointing down at us. All so funny. Got the procurers excited in a different way. It was obvious they got off on uttering the very words to punters.  Posh palace paper pushers hated us and would still do anything to end this particular embarresment. Everyone else loves us but no where was ever safe for long. It was used in the Scottish RA as an excuse for other kids to be trained to distrust and trigger us. While anything we built up on our own would be undermined when it got out. When we were accepted we knew the violence was on its way and soon we would be back in Britain, torture, rescues, hiding, programming, escapes, capture, torture.. Filthy Soviet spy, little bastard whore and all. But they dont rape me mum and they care people and how can this get worse look at what your own people are doing to you.

Not all bad of course.  Food.  Hugs. Education. Takes a longtime to wish you could go outside if you have massive palaces to explore..

To scary often though. Round any corner could be the end to warmth and care and we would be back shivering, flithy and starving living feral in Scotland. Or worse. Like being kept to be bled dry for everything they can get with no respite until you are husk they can fill with their hate and their agendas.

We were so close when I was younger. She told me everything and was so loving and affectionate when she could be but the violence and all intricate nets off bullshit and brutality did its job.

We dont know whats going to happen but we have more sense now than to engage in any body and soul destroying efforts based on absolute impossibility that we could be left alone to build a life from the hate and slave trade they have surrounded us with here in Scotland. The posh evil paper pushers and the sick fucks win. They generally do.

Could do one of the major jobs that we wished we could of done last year since we are stuck here anyway. The kitchen has been not only cleaned but painted and winter fest deco up. Green, of course. We always want everywhere painted green. Its pretty marvelous.. Absolutely exhausted.

Wee man still needs to be in an environment where he can let go of his amnesia and his upfront Scottish programmed part so he can heal and begin his life as do I.

Christ that therapist was fucking awful. I cant believe we survived those years in Dundee and we are not saying that from a position of ignorance about all the years before.

Pig fucker or us folks.
No one flies until we do.
Bring it down.

RIP all my little sisters and brothers.

A.A.

December 03, 2015

Take me to church.

Plenty times there was no morning after pill though. If you are someone they are making effort to take down and we are regardless of how amnesiac or active we are then folk doing rounds aren't going to get near.  When they really have you, you need formal state signatures to get out. So if your in the UK your fucked because the forces that put you there work in the interests and direct orders of the fuckers who put you there. As the blood in Patrick Church testified. 

Safe. Spoonie didn't get that one. Mates dont need signatures and we dont always need signatures or mates to get out. Needed everything back then. It never came. Or came hurt and unprepared. Still waiting but need them much less to protect us from Gabe, Elaine, Shona McMann. Not sure about other Scots though or London & Leeds & Manchester crews though.

So close to saving Louise. Too close. If we had just been stronger on the day.

It was Gabe's. We keep saying it. We never stop. Help. Don't leave us alone. Its the dream team and their abusers. Its the BBC, its Westminster and their journo thugs. They will spin any crap and hire anyone. Rouge elements within British Militarily. Its the rings, they have everything and everyone that gets near me. Even back when we were trying to hide in Skene and other places when we were carrying Gabe and were 8/9 we couldn't just blame the 'Brits' we had worked with too many. Seen too many turn to mist, sewed too many back too together, been heard and held by too many.

They would try and get us to hate public more but we always have a healthy disrespect for the masses. Its not the same as wanting them to be raining down on each other. That wont help. We want them better educated. Better training, less rapes and mind control, ease up on the baby slaughter, stop telling them we are not at war with each other all the fucking time. Not blowing up planes so they rain own each other. Raining humans - not gonna help a community deal with its corrupt public services and organised crimes issues. Is it? As I believe we said at the time. They were very very British people. Working for very British agencies and organisations. Other elements? Always investigate OC first. RIP Lockerbie & travelers.

They mapped our worst nightmares, arranged them to happen over the next decades and they all happened. With us and others saying exactly was and was going to happen but all we got was more abuse and isolation. And everyone else of course but many of then will have enough of their pleasure centres lit up enough regularly enough to not be writing annoying blogs or working though irksome hit lists.

Fuck knows how many police, journalists, industry leaders, politicians, healthcare professionals, social workers, judges etc., had the same surgery and some of they same extensive abuse that the Dream team, Gabe, Nathan, the Girls had.

Nurse was lovely today at GPs. Gave us what we needed. Sympathy. Including arm stroke. And a tetanus shot. Records said we haven't had once since 1984. Isn't that the year I was born? Approx. (1979 Lej) Must of been carnage for us and everyone else with the tetanus shots when we were trying organise care for all the unregistered and the rest in Scotland. It was impossible. 

Lol. Your tune just came on. Losser Baebay.
Quine.

 

December 02, 2015

Just pretend its not real

Can't touch the clean memory button and vanish like the beginning of grim blog post that hasn't been saved. Its OK though. We are all struggling. Knowing we need to be in our own flesh but knowing that flesh comes with so much pain and revulsion at the way its been treated. And not being able to stop opening your flesh up with a kitchen devil. Also not good for any of us.

We bought that kitchen knife like we always do. We would love that we thought of preparing food or arts and crafts but when buying kitchen knifes but we don't. Some of us cant relax if there is nothing sharp in the kitchen or closer.

We weren't conscious of how new the handle looked when we took it upstairs.

Its been all about the mummy love me as I rape you flashbacks atm. They we after a pregnancy. Its all about the pregnancies and the fear of pregnancies. And orgasms. And getting specific shots for porn and public humiliation and hate. They are always very determined and would of got a pregnancy if it wasn't for someone getting the morning pill to us.  Your son's a pro Quine. Police involvement in organized crime is never good news in any community.

Sometimes doing rounds with painkillers and the morning after pill is all you can do.

We phoned the old guy today. Head full of the three girls and their driver deaths. They weren't children anymore and can't any more. I can't save Louise. And then walking into his flat without the piece.

Gabe still there
Aye Scuff's still here..

We knew this. It wasn't like it happened once. Its not like we don't know the damage the dream team and their owners did. Its not like we really believed we could get our baby back now.

Same script as years ago. Like nothing happened. None of it.

We talked a little while. Or at least both said words. Cannabis prices and quality. We told him we cut and weren't doing well. We just wanted to hear the sound of our own voice not bullshitting.  As if this was an occasion where that was possible.

Not sure who brought up Gabe again. We did the same routine as before. With a hand on the lid of our fury and terror.

Is he still with Elaine?

He makes all flustered sounding noises. We make out 'just pals' and 'you've got it all wrang'

Do we Graham?

We see Dasha in the playground. Nothing but bones and cuts and bruises. And eyes glad to see us, arms that hugged tight. And voice no one could be blocking out.

We hang up on him as he continues to object. Exactly like before.

Yea. Our littles have felt too much of it now to have hope. They are all in shock. As are they rest of us. We can't get past the catastrophic catatonic states induced by the therapist when times were at their worst. We can't punish our selves with all that public transport anyway.

December systems here now and we can cope with it much better than last year when we really were dangerously and so horribly dissociated. We are grounded better but its not exactly a rose garden we have get between our toes. We will never stop hating not having ID here in the UK and using Louise's DOB and NHS number is heartbreaking and triggering as the cunts designed it to be. Just me left now. That's not at all terrifying.

More Winter fest deco ordered. Don't think we will be too upset if we need to leave it all behind. Stuff we couldn't force our self to order last year purely because we really liked it. :-)

Its the present wrapping that fucking gets us. Every bastard year.

At least we don't have to worry about any cutting intentions. Not for a long while. Whatever is under the dressing slapped on by that cow of an er nurse is gonna break us. Like all the other times. No Watkins ID sharer here to weep with us either.

At least this time it was actually almost definitely our hand that did it..

Still avoiding all news and telly. Wish we could do good stuff.

December 01, 2015

Upper left arm lac

Didn't intend to cut so deep. All the other knives are blunter than we thought. Mostly bruises and temporary scratches.  Not the last time though. Needed stitches. We sang for them but none came. Stuck it together with a plaster and selotape. No one to take us and we weren't gonna bus it. Taxi there and back. £40. We were in and out in minutes. She said it didn't look deep before looking at. Opened up what hadn't healed as she cleaned it said it was too late that it didn't look infected and will leave a bad scar stuck gauze and a dressing and that was that. She called us some kind of affectionate term as we left but we didn't hear. Too busy scurrying out of there in tears.

Always check a cutters temp ppl. There may be others we are not showing. And it makes us think you might give a fuck.

Another cloud for the dragon tattoo. We would rather it wasn't there or wasn't as bad.

Programming.

Fucking hate it.

Help.

November 19, 2015

later in november..

We often find our thoughts leaning towards the benifits of drug therapies.. Gabapenten holding our hand again. It all sounds the same, granted but our brain isn't.

Could invest in ourselves enough to buy a decent tablet puter.  Very happy. So much we can do now that we couldnt do before. So many therapy apps..

We have finished with the therapist we were seeing and are still avoiding all msm news. Except for the front pages we fail to avoid..

We are lighter of a lot worst of it or getting there at least. Couldnt say we feel like ourselves but we are starting to recognise us better.

Stomach muscles sore sometimes with the super stressed breathing that gets us sometimes particularly after sleeping or contact with Margo. Or when we think about some of the stuff that went on with therapist but we are getting more confident in getting though it without falling back into all the squished up pieces again.

Not what would comfortably describe as 'present' but wouldn't say we weren't here either.

Not sure we would be saying that without any drugs through. The pain, the anxiety, the programming, the fear would be relentless.

Salu.

November 04, 2015

November

Just need to be sedated in your arms for a year or two and we will be fine. Necking the gabapentin again, pain too constant to triggering. We need different, better drugs. But we have been saying that for a while. I'm sure if you could do something about it you could. 

Feel we have enough of the corners and edge pieces of this extraordinary jigsaw that we just want want hit the inhibitions and get going with the rest. Don't need anyone bullshitting us so we can pretend there's an alternative to the truth. 

So ready. 

October 31, 2015

still breathing

Sent an email to therapist saying we wont be back. Impossible to get any further, too many forces pushed her away from seeing us at the times it matter most. Our coping mechanisms and the traumas they attempt to get us through are beyond her training and experience.  We told her about the pink jelly stuff with the dark line in it on the medical gauze and how it was Gabe early and during desperate life and death times and for whatever reason she fucked up and told us it wasn't true. Then we wanted to quit but abusers wouldnt let us. We told her about that to.

She did some of us good to. It wasn't all damage. But when she denied that she was denying when her whole existence it wasn't just the memories we had to shove at back of a drawer, locked the drawer, roll the chest to the back of a cupboard, lock the house then run to another country it was but our whole identity, my whole self. She tried to tell us that is wasn't our whole identity but we were there for DID therapy and 'we' came into existence at that time and it would be impossible to get any real work done on anything when she hurt the part who survived that, the part who was the caregiver, the rock to all of us who came about after and many before.

How the fuck is therapy going to work if its under threat of horrific violence from people who have carried it out on you before anyway? How is anything ever going to work when shit like that is going on? and the police have the worst on salaries, union clout and daily access to and over the most vulnerable.

We're not deleting the account but the twitter app is off our phone and we haven't watched anything other than Grey's Anatomy or Nurse Jackie in a while. It really helps. Especially Grey's.
Hello.
Yes.
Whatever.
Yes.

Meddling with the Gabapentin again for pain as well as emotional/psychological reasons. Period late, light and not stopping. We know. If it doesn't settle soon go to the NHS even if they are useless if the take any swabs or blood or anything you will run them properly and let us know if there is anything urgent.

Don't know what state anyone else is in. Not going anywhere. The essentials are delivered. Too much shell shock for much in the way of specific hopes but also way to awake to not have any either..

Send more drugs. Better drugs.
And Hybrid.
Stat.





October 03, 2015

..rsvp..

Hi Dad,

We have started post with those two words a few times not sure if we managed more few words nevermind ever hitting 'publish'. Maybe there is heaps of them. Don't know. Not checking.. We have giving in to the waiting to be rescued. Its the end of term next week and we have gone the whole time paying almost £2 a day because we havent got it in us to to sort out the free school meals so all the steps to getting his passport renewed aren't happening.

 Margo phoned and asked if we would go down this evening and watch a film, eat some snacks said she wanted some adult company so what the fuck she is asking us for I don't know. I'd like some adult company to. As therapist would say its not our job to meet her social needs so we said we would think about it but have no intention and made repeated V signs at the phone once it was over.

Hash and a new old xbox game are our main crutches this now and will continue to lean on them heavily tonight. I have made prior commitments to stalk a fictional character who may have a grudge against another fictional character's giant pet rats. I have no time for role playing as a family with Margo and whoevers' interests she is currently representing.

Learn a lot of computer games. We definitely seem to have a tendency to rush in without properly assessing risks.

Have come to terms with Spotify. Take the money you bastards. Its so easy. Been playing early REM this week and the late night jazz list. Theme from Charlie Brown, Chet Baker and Miles Davis. Love it.

No idea what you are up and don't want to if you cant tell me yourself.

He's fine. Joined a local martial arts class. I stayed and watched the first time but left the week after and will probably mostly do that. Some of the kids are really good and that makes us smile. He isnt which also makes us smile but found it really hard not to peck at him.

Pain just isnt an all day most days problem at all. Still made worse by same stuff though. The after period pain still the times when we feel so very little and so very hurt.

Got some dental work done. I know right! With the access to drugs we have.. Never happen yesterday though first time we have bailed on school to this term..

Hope your not to cornered. And if at all possible do feel free to rescue us so we can begin to become a major player in our own life and not an invisible or insignificant character. It would be much appreciated.

All such a mess. Seem to be mostly beyond the 'watch news to fuck yourself over' programming. Still going on twitter but usually end up wondering why.

Need hugs dad.

We hug wee man lots but he's a boy and needs us to be an adult as much as possible when we need to not be one.

Love as always.
(we think)






September 28, 2015

hate titles

Thirtytwo in his class. We're not comfortable with that as a class size for a any kid but for our kid and the evil shit thats happened in primary schools in recent years and beyond it fucking terrifies us. He was talking this afternoon about getting into trouble for not listening, fidgeting and messing about that sort of stuff. Says he gets bored and his ears switch off. He was saying how unfair it is thats five days on two days off. We suggested he tried pretending to listen better and maybe taking a day of school next week to go somewhere. He wasnt all that enthusiastic said he wanted a party.. Talked about his pal in Dundee who hopefully is long gone from her sick mum so no way of him seeing her.

Trying to remember anything from all the crap that went down various times we went back over to Grahams if there was anything said that can help us out with now and next but its easier to catch fish with bare hands. The constant awareness that our current mental and emotional ranges and abilities have been forced on us by people who are not ever going to reconsider their attitudes towards total exploitation ever makes us so angry, so disappointed and so frustrated.

It's different. Genuinely so even if far too much is the same. So much more has been exposed to more people. So many are dead. But Dad they use the times when we are isolated and damaged under the 'all of you exist for us and only us' systems to regroup, replace what they lost and to put the finial death nail in the remaining hopes for so many littles. We bargained with ourselves they everyone does with everyone else when a part wanted to maintain an external relationships while others wanted to cut out loses emotionally. We worked so hard when we were so small and did so well and needed to feel there was some home and some end no matter how impossible.

As the 'if worst comes to worst' trigger dates are passing, some years ago of course some more recent, some now, tomorrow, next week, next month. We can feel them. Eyes always peeking out windows, their ears primed for a call, their words so close to our lips but they are turning away, burying deep taking their openness, their easy open love and their broken fucking hearts with them. Leaves room for the ones that can get us permanently non uk residents. They are so good for junior when they are happy for all us and some of the rest of us feel the ongoing betrayal of those clever dedicated loyal littles is far too easily accepted as just the way things are what can you do.

All the shut doors may just be leading us to something better








Inertia

Everytime we open the new post box parts slide, skulk, bolt, disappear down fox holes, behind walls I cant see the top off, atomise themselves away or casually wonder off while whistling through their teeth.  They don't want to open up and share here in the dark with no idea who is watching and who isnt. Littles know they are conditioned to 'write home' and have no inclination to keep pretending they don't know what that's all about. Usually the only people and places that felt like a real home were the last places and people we would be writing anything to. Killing them ourself would often be better option in terms of trauma and loss at least then they wouldn't be tortured, programmed, enslaved, bred, experimented on and used as against us.

We wish we could manage our time better. Encourage parts to articulate their needs and working with each other. Organising a schedule that could be done day after was never going to work, way to triggering of what the abuser networks do when they have you full time and because there is too many of us. Some of us really liked week/month cycles though. Trying to work out everything we wanted, what was possible and what was needed. Everything stopped being such hard work to being rewarding and fun. When we felt bad someone would try and help us and if they couldn't they would help us find someone who could. Just seeing people try sometimes was enough to make us feel so much better.

We could see some of the people who were working with us were shocked sometimes at how it well it worked to the point of suspecting we were much more dissociated than we were, that we were pretending because we thought we were supposed to.  When we explained how different it felt to be with people who tried to keep us safe and allowed us to be whatever we were most understood. It was worst  for those who knew that the abuse networks designed the parts that need to be cared for the most if we can ever be safe and that meant they would loose me again.

If there was enough time spent acknowledging and treating us somewhere with less triggers and bad memories so we could begin to reach our Gollums ourselfs  The communication and the caring for each other would get internalised just as the indifference and oppression is in horrible environments. Being physically stronger and full of evidence to show people do want something better enabled us to find out those most in need. We knew the punishments we would get for healing and attempting to explore peoples potentials but often many of those whose job is was to help us would have no idea about the risks. We do underestimate people occasionally but no bloody wonder.

Those abuser proof firewalls took a lot of damage and the bastards have definitely had us pretending to do shit but the worst of the work demanded had already been done by others before me.  Pretending was all some of them were after of course they already had what they wanted from torturing and experimenting on mother and others for years. We dont know how far they got through and are unlikely to have been able to find out since because of the system and networks making it impossible to have privacy or be safe enough to check. There's always that consensual need for us to 'not know' some pretty major stuff for various reasons. Every tiny aspect of everything about our behave always has to be constantly gauged, the value of remembering versus the risk a part who who can not bare that kinds of constant danger, our skills in pretending to be a part we weren't (or didn't even have) to someone who may or may not already know versus seconds of being true to my our soul, our nature.

The decades of violence and theft, the forcing pictures into our own and others mind, the forcing us to tell and live so many lies couldnt kill our romantic hopes for love, community and justice with those we fought with here but not one of those ideals is gonna survive the isolation when the main force maintaining it is ignorance, fear and inertia.. and a population with a taste for social rigidity and torture..

Firenze. Natale

Sempre.








September 24, 2015

our room is nice but the kitchen is still wrong even when we clean it

We hope to celebrate September better in other years. It not over this year yet and we are eating and washing, cleaning, spending more time engaging junior and the xbox. The tearfulness at the thought of another day or night here isnt as bad. More of a sense of our history being here with us is probably the main reason.  The main 'must be real memories' and the narratives that they hold together haven't been forced on us for a while so we can feel again and the real narratives are beyond the high walls of what many people think is possible.

If we had been passport applications in the local post office we would have one now. Printers, ink etc feels just beyond us still. Its frustrating but when we start examining the issues raised, triggers its a hell of a shit storm. The thought of an outside of the uk Christmas: the shiny swinging pendulum that is as soon as summer's over, brought smiles to parts that have been down for a while. They know we achieve nothing when so separate from each other and we can't come back without real hope, real hope which is very hard to impossible to grasp when we are distanced from each other and anyone else. No horrific shit in months now. Wow.

We are not due for any back dated DLA or ESA we know fine if we found anything at all no matter how little in the four figures in the current account we wouldn't be buying paint and furniture. But there isnt so we will spend who we get on living a day to day level of comfort we haven't known in the UK before. It's great past so many 'cant's and 'I'm not allowed that's but there are so many still in play but we are getting to a point where we can remind ourselfs that it will get better without being a slap on a broken limb.



....





September 17, 2015

September 2015 ..

Third full week of schools being back? Fourth? Long enough that the mornings have started hurting again. Still on 100% attendance so far and we know we need to push as hard as we can with getting him out there and ourself whenever possible. A short walk in the morning that cant be bad for our health except for the times when being around lots of people and kids is unbearable of course. There was so much impending doom at the thought of routine and crowds and expectations at the end of the holidays when the mornings were ok it was a needed relief.

The thought of there really being nothing else going on for us than his schooling generously provided by the British stretching into infinity ahead of us is physically a difficult thing to tolerate. He's quite happy to go with his blanket amnesia about who he and his mum is and how hard the fight for us both to still be alive has been. It will all be there. Everything.  Glad that he is socialising and learning we just wish we were socialising and learning to.. and didn't feel so dislocated from his educated and unsure about some of the staff/population..

At least the fucked roof in his classroom has meant a reprieve from the 'come in and see what the kids are doing' mornings.. (kids seem fine I think can't tell when all our internals are hyperventilating and/or clinging to ceiling). ... 

They've been doing a project on Fair Trade.. (No fucking comment)

Good to see Corbyn's numbers.. (would of been better if that was 10 or 20 years ago)

Was quite undepressed on Tuesday. Didnt go as far as the council offices that would likely of challenged the decent mood anyway but got bus to shops bought wee man a book from Works and walked home via the hippo of course. Was all up for Glasgow on Saturday to. Take the wee man, we haven't gone anywhere together in ages. There isnt any way around what public transport and waiting for public transport does to us though. We are too open. Its very difficult managing whatever is triggered in my head and a child in the house never mind outside..in crowds.. busy traffic.. (how its impossible to not think about what might of been)

The house is cleaner than its ever been, a workman has been round to sort the worst of the damage from the leaks, the boiler has been fixed and the bully of a landlord used a professional and friendly third party for the inspection. Would of meant a lot more if all that had happened a year ago. We have no will to decorate. We do have will to get wee man's passport updated. Even if it revolts us. Coz we dont have an identity in the UK we have a lifetime of having our human rights denied and no legal means to challenge any of it.

Don't ask us. 'What's next?'

All you will get is vacant eyes and song lyrics.


September 12, 2015

"but none of it is real"

Attempting to communicate internally or externally just adds to the force keeping us scared and confused but the sense of a future elsewhere at times feels like its getting closer. The heartlessness over here is what makes it realer but so many are so heartbroken that things never changed that love in the present couldnt smash up all the hold the rings have over us.

We try and knock down walls just to open our eyes and find we are building them higher. Its programming we know from the worst years put there to make sure we didnt get the help we needed to get us safe after Louise was gone so we could actually live instead of being triggered all the time cant really process any of it effectively when so many of the conditions that made all that torture, slavery and captivity possible are still ongoing.

Any effort justs pulls us into thinking feeling repeating everything that is apart from what we are even feeling the possibility of a step away from the worst would take me further from everything meish further into a place where there would never be any safety. They wouldnt let any of us talk to each other or anyone outside. Whenever we tried they were all over it. We are programmed to believe that when we are in the UK that is the way it will always be and nothing has happened to undermine it. There is no escape from what they found out and what they forced us to do through torture. No escape from people building a life and their children's future on that torture continuing. No escape from this false identity and all the corruption that will force us to live it regardless of evidence that contradicts it and regardless of anyone else being in the room. Keeping our limbs twisted.


We need to be grounded if we are to have any chance of spotting any way back to strong. We need some basic truths or resistance is wasted effort, another part down another exit light turned of. It was a long time sometimes between these moments. All the truths, the physical damage and pain when we tried to feel our own flesh where to horrible to stay conscious of when so weak and so closely watched so regularly punished and so fully exploited. 

Interpreting the promises from ppl who spoke different accents who seemed to have treated us so differently as anything other than grooming or ignorance was impossible without the physical strength to try and the heart to believe without or without the memories to back it up our systems are non existent. They knew that. It's not hidden. We could not realise how much effort people make on every level to not see the freight train ahead and the tracks at their feat.  If they can't see or hear a fucking freight train then how the hell are the going to see us in any configuration? 

There would so often just not be to much distance between the places and people that where around us when we felt good and what we had in the present. Everytime we went through our processes to get to a point where we had a chance of defending ourself we knew they would be watching and studying it in comfort. 

So hard to describe they various forms of captivity and control. Lots of investors in various aspects for assorted nefarious motives. 

We don't have much of a time line.  It's impossible when it's been so long since we felt safe enough to really be present. Throwing ourself into missions was the only real escape and we would wipe any sense of them rather than risk them.

Unless soldiers & comrades starting giving me no option that is.


Now?

We smell and reach for the warmth from streets that are made so distant by the violence of our trafficked and trained for it UK lifes that the are more unreal than dreams.

We wouldn't leave us like this but we are here and that usually means we have been forced.

When we are forced to go back somewhere and don't know if we will get out again we have to just bury everything .

Maybe we will end up having to make a new part. Which is scary coz it will be a part made without Louise's love and in total isolation from anything real and positive. That wouldnt be a part. It would be a program. Triggered by things staying the same.

Someone of us have been day dreaming about going to Glasgow next weekend but there is no we are just turning up with or without wee man and just hoping we will be safe and feel ok. It hasnt worked out well for us in the past.

And all that was said and done 15 years ago? Its enough to get us through the next week.

















September 06, 2015

Are we there yet?



There it is .. The pink bathroom with all the butterflies and flowers and the metal wall art.

Got it last week from Pound Stretchers or one of them type places. N took as there and refused to let us pay for our shopping.

It's significance .. I'm not sure but think it might have some .. we remember sitting on the edge of the bed back in a Fintry with someone we don't particularly want to name showing them how programmed and determined our future was. We asked them to choose which they thought we would prefer, the one saying 'Home' or the one saying 'Love' an obvious choice for anyone who knows anything really about us and our history..

Whatever us ( if it was us at all) said that was it. She was done, no more programming. What the fuck that means now I don't fucking know. Do we believe that we are not going to find ourselves seeing and hearing things and not remembering when they were arranged? Highly unlikely but 'stranger things have happened' is often our only source of reality based hope.. 

The end of a particular program maybe or the end of a program that has been controlling one of our programmer parts.. Maybe it's a trigger for someone else.. If it is a bad trigger for someone else and they see this post and some nasty shit happens we are very sorry it's not our fault nasty shit happens whether or not we have nice things..

Maybe it's meaningless. Just something to keep us in the past. 

Or the start of things getting worse again.

Maybe it's a good trigger and does signal the start of all this sick assed ridiculousness ending and getting out of the isolation and access to hugs from someone who can see us, who doesn't bullshit us, isn't an abusers' tool and who isn't a dependant..

Asked him today if he remembered anything bad happening in Fintry. He's completly blank on the worst of it. We try not to worry about what cunts have put in his head it's not like they had access to him whenever they tried like they do with some kids. The more we fought though, the more we talked and tried to get help, the more love we showed to any bairn the more determined they were to get him.

He's seems mostly ok. Happy boy. Needs exercise though which we can't really help him with much what with the difficulties in going places. Bloody huge not obese yet thou but the summer holidays were utterly miserable he ate a lot junk food and didn't go out much.. Would love to be able to take him swimming regularly. Would love him to see his mummy happy and active to.

Btw .. What with his big wide feat and all the first gym type shoes we could find to fit him are size 5. Size 5. The same as us. He is eight.. 

..









September 01, 2015

Sent an email to ask about advocacy today. Not easy. Need help. 

We may of made some kind of forced to attemp last year but we where so splintered & petrified. The "landlord" and his assistant turned up at the door again. Still telling me to tidy up when I can't etc .. 

Boiler has been fixed though! Showers are now possible without standing shivering as the water loses temp then heats up again. 

Place is a bit better today because N was done and did some work, built the TV unit and put up the curtain rail that have been in boxes for months. 

It will never feel safe just us and wee man here with all these triggers but there are maybe signs that some of us are starting to feel a bit better.  At least the year is over. A long way from being able to spend that much time engaged in something other than trying not to drown but we have been spending  slightly less time under duvet.  Wee man will slowly get one parent back and that is something here and now. 

Obviously though any extra major horribleness has to be avoided and we only have limited (at best) influence over that. 

..
Been colouring again. Got fabulous pens. And metal wall art that matches all the other flowers and stuff in there. It says 'Love'. It's not on wall yet.


August 24, 2015

..don't worry..

Landlords assistant txted about the rent difference. We asked about the boiler and got a txt back saying the landlord would be coming round for a viewing so the place should be cleaner. Txted back pissed off. None of the work that was supposed to get down has been done. He's a bullying cunt. Hate people like that . Just coz he's a bloke with some dosh we thinks he's entitled to lie and fuck with people. What fucking use is hot water that runs cold every couple of minutes. It's hard enough for us to persuade ourself into shower as it is.. Years of the same shit, work that's going to get done but is never mentioned again. Waiting for workers that don't show. He was horrible last time. We were already down. It was February.

Joys of school term. Hassled for dinner money. Can't face council offices. Can't handle school triggers. Can't handle the isolation. 

Been thinking little about painting kitchen. But can't commit to staying here. Like this. Can't think of a way out. 

August 21, 2015

Echo

How long do we have to spend rumaging though the detritus. Picking through hands to find one with the rest of a person attached and a pulse inside. I've a giant bunch of keys but it's an ancient lock and probably just another sick game another aptitude test or part of remember your ours weekend of tricks triggers and torture. 
Nothing they are going to give us will get us out of here but sometimes you have no option but to play along like you don't know what's coming or that we can hear a word that's said. 

But we can't do it alone from here. All those little broken hearts all the little uses shadowing and trailing in the trees. So small to be alone to be so good at hiding so close to the ground but still  see further than we can dream.

They should be with us instead of standing semi conscious in lines never far from each other with brains battered into never seeing each other. For decades as the other kids laugh through  us. Trailing lives that burn up everything that they need to be anything than another set of unidentifable fragments.

There is only so much cataloging a mind can can do before it's classified it's self out of existence. No one can look in the mirror  and still pretend that being rational is a thing. 


August 02, 2015

10th of August

It wasn't the time to be thinking about where all this shit came from. Not for us anyway. Some of what happened to mum she never let me see. She said we had to trust her and we did. Usually. I'd seen how hard she fought to stop me knowing and felt her terror when it looked like I might see so we never looked now matter how hard people tried to make us. We did our time tracing this terror back through the wars and further of course what with mother and her friends' files we were allowed to see and lots more across the globe but there was still a sense of not knowing and had asked her is the stuff she would never tell us had something to do with the 10th of August and she agreed. It didnt take too many years of survivng the worst days or given getting through the quieter times that you often had to let everything you thought you knew to be real.

Especially in August. 

Getting through it meant abandoning all sense of the past rather than watch as all your safe places were turned torture chambers. Nothing feels less like your flesh, less like the present than your body in the here and now and its almost understandable how so many people het washed under and end up as nothing but obstacles for those fighting to keep their heads above water.

It was a insect of a question. Everyone flicking and willing it to go pester some other bastards there would no answers to help any of us any time soon. It was partly our dreaded curiosity to but I knew the whole 'no safety, no truth' thing wasn't some smeegle like clutch to a life that was long ago impossible. I had no choice but to take this ridiculous mind, the Resistance, the ridiculous circumstances and mass scale crimes against humanity seriously.

The abusers were very early on the scene when we were very little. We would of managed not to tell them everything. I hope, we didnt know what condition mother was in and had looked for her protection when she was already calling for mine.  There wasn't any time or energy this time last year to be getting deeply into anything that was crucial. Too many operations at crucial stages, and too many people trying to determine our future or kill us.

'What is it about the 10th August anyway?'

Bowbly centre's 'Ritual and Abuse and mind control' seemed a good place to start but its section on August on Lammas and of course heaps of other horrors but no specfic mention of the 10th.  As someone who attended classical British education establishments the next step was not Wikipeadia it was Encyclopaedia Britannica which was of course useless. The first entry on Wiki is as many of you readers well already know fine is the 10th of August is 'shorthand for the Tuiliers Palace'.. i.e. the French Revolution..

We often try and remember the few French Revolution lectures we made it to but there were awful times.

As we have stated at times in many ways we are left wing in a give a uniform (or just a weapon) kind of a way. On the other hand history has demonstrated by any dumbasses reconing that cutting the heads of whoever happens to be born or married into to situations where they have bits of paper that says they own more shit that anyone could ever manage does not lead to an end to widespread hunger and injustice. Its those in a position to benefit the most of the old pre determined, short term, self destructive bullshit continues as well those who feel they commited such gross acts that they deserve the power and who vomit at the thought of actual news papers, TV stations and web sites printing, showing and discussing actual things that have or are happening in an vaguely informed and wholestic manner.

There is of course the ever present all kinds of horrific satanic horrors who have exploited issues relating to my own bloodline and social life which it comes to the 10th.. I dont have the documentation to hand. I just have actual DNA. And a skill set that most people prefer not to go against if we are feel very confident of a course of action..

most people..

if they are in their right mind..


Random association time -"August the 10th" 'I hate the fucking press'

For us.  All of us. It was always inescapable We would all work with everything we could to stay blind to the associations we were all being bombarded with in very co-ordinated ways. Using every trick we could to manipluate our consciousness away from knowing it was August. We were all in pieces, you can see it peoples eyes when you walk outside or try to talk to someone. Everyone buried so deep inside themselves its impossible to know who is safe and who isnt. When their plans and scenes really start up it was impossible to keep an eye on yourself and all the parts of yourself that they may well know all about as they created them but no one has told you.  So easy for them to find a way in, a deeply traumatised little, a triggered blind action procedure, an E.P that has been waiting and hiding for years, even hearing a word can initiate mental and emotional processes that even those who understand all the precise procedures, tech and corruption can still not get out of and if your on your own, already ill, in danger etc.. yikes..

 It was that feeling all the your work all the effort to build bridges inside ourselves and between each other and we would feel it unravel back to previous state, like there can been no fighting, no running,  no learning, no healing that made us think fuck this a few times. Some bastard or bastards would turn up last minute though and show us what we had achieved, what was only going to get better and it was because of us and that is would get better, even though we had been told it million times. Things have to change. No matter what.

They take away what we build to survive and then they gloat about it through the life styles, careers and choices of the people who are supposed to protect us.

We would be told by them that turned up after the worst had been cleaned up that it was just programming, we were just being made to feel that way, that it wasn't real. That they were police, MI5, CIA, FBI etc and they were going help us but they needed our help to explain what happened and to gather more evidence. But that was ridiculous. We all had to stop feeling and not let them catch you thinking. Everyone knew long before puberty that this was utter shit. These people were the worst. Most other kids stopped talking to anyone but our abusers would all still be making us all talk. I had my mother though. Driving us forward. Forcing us to run when we would rather of just let them kill us.

The only way to break the power over everyone was to find out peoples worst triggers, the stuff that made completely dissociate any time rendering them totally fucking vulnerable to any well know or experimental techniques aimed at the destruction of the individual's sense of self. Or in laymens terms when shit is at its worst and you have been targeted they may have doing things you never thought you were capable of such as child sexual abuse or murder. How? because your abusers and all those who have seen the tapes no exactly what was done and said even it you dont and they can trick your poor flesh acting out what was done to you on another child. Actually there are more steps and a longterm fuck with you campign to build up to events up but when we described there is something that sick cunts get involved in and attempt while terrify children into thinking they can do it all the time whenever they want.

One of the simpliest and worst is using triggers of all kinds to distract adult survivors so they can grab their bairns. Absolute nightmare that one.

Some people didn't want to where they have been. It woulnt matter how much I or anyone else explained them how it was important that they acknowledge it and that does not mean reliving it and that they needed to everything they could to look after themselves because once anyone was was captured they would be used for the worst. Sometimes they would return them in their big shinny cars, gloating and laughing loudly, no more bother from that one...  

The worst of the deaths, the tortures would recorded to be used to trigger, to be manipulated to make those involved look different, and other uses of course..

Some of us are curios as to why the 10th of August is not mentioned Epstein and Schwartzs. Plenty of other stuff is mention like the Warsaw ghetto and Nazi Birthdays but not the French Revolution. Dont think its as bad as the whole Laurie Matthew down playing the money, the VIPs, the military,the whole in extreme situations, certain individuals especially those with particular DNA and PTSD exhibit what some may describe as 'psychic'

Or in our own language.. Your all telling all the bairns that what they experienced didnt happen, they didnt all see or feel what they all heard, just like with sexual abuse which they all being victimised and/or exposed to 'didn't happen, thats impossible, s/he wouldnt do that, these things are not real.. Thus making them scared because they know they are being lied to about matters of life and death, making them more vulnerable to grooming by people who dont have the same hang ups and who often have decades of experience in using mind manipulation to influence and control children.  Due to there own unrecognised triggers and unprocessed horrific traumas they to are still on some levels small abused children and can use their small hurt scared selves to gain the trust of external littles..

Which makes sensitive intelligent souls in danger of getting a bit trigger happy.











whove

July 30, 2015

Your all programmed UK. And everyone knows.

Usual can't wake up properly here not enough support.. Getting there through the levels (Hi Dad & co). They can't treat us with respect here that's for fucking certain. Few Brits do if they are not military, police or otherwise trained in recognising and resisting mindcontrol and systematic child abuse by ourselves or by someone we trained.


Fucking revolting State. Our while life we have been contacted by people from all over the world saying they know about me, they know about Louise, they know about the music the experiments, the schools, the NHS, the programming, the money the sonar the radios the labotomies the breeding the GM the triggers our skills our friends the murders the total absence of any child safety anywhere the money the MPs the city and they say thank you for any help we gave them.. 

Not here though. Abuser contact only. 

'You don't exist.'

The world disagrees UK and most had no problem noticing that the writer here and Louise Johnston were two different people and found your treatment of us and all the bairns seriously distasteful.

Bout time you woke up UK keep your on the rail the sickos rammed into your heid when tiny wee if you like but the rest of us are done with it you zombie cunts. Can't keep letting you destroy generation after generation here whilst stunting and perverting all progress everywhere else because you won't process your own traumas and are scared of change.

Tuff.

Hear me now?

..whatever...






 


June 27, 2015

..well..



Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham.

The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime.

Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him.

Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC..

Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at arms length our whole life.

Dont know what's going to happen next but we want our boys back and our Ben.

June 21, 2015

Damn it.

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us. 

Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean. 

Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem. 

Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't able to and hunting down the sickos now isn't going to make us feel better about it or much us feel/be safer. 

Such a machine with the skills to turn anyone they want and convince them of whatever they want it feels so pointless even bothering to have any kind of life. 

So much stuff we need to clear out and clear out now before it causes more damage. Our resilience will return eventully and with it the abuse and dangers or least this is how it has always been.

Are we in a place where we no longer accept rape and rape threats as the way it is for us.. Can't even image such a place.

They got Summer. As well as lots of the rest of us.  

Like other posts we have written and things we have done and said particularly while we lived in Dundee recently but over the whole of our life before that we do it know they might use it as an excuse. It is after all us raising our eyes of the floor and staking a claim to live that is not tolerated from trafficking victims like me. 

But we have to.

June 20, 2015

Proper bam

Hello.

So much from the last couple of years has exposed itself. Bertie really is a grooming raping bastard as we may of mentioned before. Ferris associate and the worst of the police, intel traffickers etc. it's not new new stuff though.. Nothing from living in this house. When he admited stuff from when we were young we didn't even care. We know it must of started young because of how wierd we get around him. Not ourselves. Amnesiac.

Guess you need a bloke to do your hovering before you can properly come to terms with how often he has been involved in ruining our and others lifes. 

Yep lots of stuff about the last couple of years most of which we don't feel up for blogging or talking about with T. 

Yes I am concerned that I let someone into my house who is deeply involved in abuse networks, who has raped before and now knows everything about where me, junior & the cuzs often sleep.. But we do feel awake and present enough without the extreme anxiety know that we know that we have done that. 

Their is some comfort in that it is known about and not just by all the wrong people.  Also in feeling some confidence that these walls will stay down and in our abilities to deal with any shit should it occur.

Not attempting to look into the future. But we don't feel dangerously low and trapped as E.Ps as we have as a long time. Our old Nemisis - Oral. 


June 13, 2015

It does change.

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure.

We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely new in some cases.

Everything has felt so strange, so horrible for so long, beyond what we can cope with or medicate away. We reached out, as therapist says that's a good thing and as a result we have a much cleaner house but in return we got a lengthy insensitive lecture from one person and so much insensitivity later from someone else we became so triggered we completely lost sense of time and place and was back in the freezing cold and dark of the eighties. We said something, don't know what and I'm glad I dont, it was some sort of question to someone about some abuser order or expectation. We are still going cold thinking about it. We don't want to go back there but I don't think we got the me out either. Jersey, someone keeps saying.

Therapist helped a lot, she has never seen us cry so much. We talked a lot about mourning and how/if any of the things people do for more everyday deaths and loss can be used to help us. That reminded us of buying the rose bush and other things we could do with our garden. We know we need something external, to do something that will last and that other people can see. She encouraged us not hold on too tightly to the idea of counting them all and that feels right this now. It all feels real enough, we have lost the guilt that comes with not remembering or rejecting truth but what has replaced it not for us to give much specifics on tonight.

We have been struggling and so vulnerable for so long now, seeing and being with them from the late 80's onwards, some unknown date when ovulation first happened to now we have either been pregnant or under the threat of it and all that sickest across the globe could think to do with a pregnant invisible with DID. Obvs we feel safer now or this wouldnt be being typed without shaking hands and searing pain.

Physically we are exhausted, really exhausted we need to find a way to make it easier now, so she talked about containers which worked well during the worst of it later on that night. She also suggested kind of hesitantly, that maybe some kind of magical thinking would be good for the littles.. guess that gave us some kind of permission, some validation from a good person that it was ok to see them in fairies or nature, to let our imagination do whatever it needs to do find a way to thrive and to celebrate them.

Must seen so grim from the outside 'celebrating' such short, horrific lives but they were beautiful unique souls that cant ever be brought back or copied and we need move on from the devastation stage.  From regularly returning to the devastation stage. The cant eat, cant see a point to existence, life in an abyss stage.  Therapist was so good at not glossing over how long it will take to feel better about so much loss and pain. We need to feel grounded but need something positive to be part of that ground and she is amazing at that. Many of us have always been so keen to find something good and to pull the rest of us away from things that hurt us and we know are being to trust them and will find someone else who will help us build a safe space that is strong enough to hold the worst of it all.

Part of her job is to get us to a place where its possible for other positive relationships to happen and its terrifying us that it seems to be working. With the dust settling in the fatigue after the emotional and mental turmoil recently it feels like we could reach out and touch it, something very real and unlike what's been allowed or forced on us before. What it will have to wait until we have gathered ourself a bit more and had the space we need from whatever the hell that was. Something else from the session that is comforting was her emphasis on empathy and the way she kept showing us when showed it. Its good to be in an environment when having some or even lots doesnt have to be a dirty secret or serious liability. It gives us hope.

Lay in the sun today, getting all brown and bubbling with excited parts so relieved to be alive and upfront and not crippled and our garden.

Take over Summer,  when its needed. We think we probably have the 'No's covered now but we are going to need you for any 'Yes's..

June 10, 2015

Co consciousness DID

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed.

We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abusers are exactly where they want to be and beyond being dead we are exactly where they want us to be to.

Resenting the pills, sick of gabapentin. I say as I take another. It feels like as long as we live in a world where people think if other people are lost causes we will not let go off the murdered ones. We know it's what some abusers told us to feel but we feel that way anyway. We know that we are making ourself a 'lost cause' by not being able to move forward. 

But in a world where such things can happen, by so many people over so many years it's so hard to not feel like it doesn't matter what we can or can't do, what we have and haven't done it's the world that's the lost cause. 

I'm so scared off remembering and I'm scared off whatever is planned for us next and I'm scared of the way we are programmed and of how much we get caught up & dragged down by it everyday. 

.... 

May 29, 2015

hallucinations and babies

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none of it. Others have no sense of anything outside the worst of the networks and abusers and things like that can work. Not a very pretty world..

..unlike the bathroom which is coming on nicely..

The babies.. think we said early on we don't know how any pregnancies we have had, how many babies lived, how many died, how many of those abortions, how many more clinical ones. But we feel a bit like we a starting to begin to be able to count, to list, a few any way. our hand stroking little backs, or sometimes when they were to small to cup our hand over their backs we ran a finger down the thin skin on their spine.  We see the blood more. Of course we do with the pain we are in, we are reliving them so obviously sometimes.  Today that longing to hold and cherish an infant - 'broodiness' has been hitting us and sensual, visual recall of their little bodies as well as the births.

Some of us weep for the girls that are going through stuff like that this now, angry, bitter tears because this violence often isnt as private and behind closed doors and secretive or not talked about or just in the nonwhites. Its accepted as how some girls are treated and if you down there anyway luv would you mind?..goan.

Others, were just still there in the precious positive life affirming cherished little moments. It was our job to show them as much love and care as possible in whatever short times we had. So many times though some of us started just turning away and prayed to other parts to try and get help to us because they couldn't, they had already tried really hard.





May 27, 2015

very military

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok?

Very military, in the 80s they were setting things up, organising to smallest detail it was a big operation over years. Next to them our main abusers looked like how our 'dad' looked next to the gangster and telly rapists.  'Rogue' military and high end organised crime - not the best mum and dad a girl could have but at least the arguing gave us opportunities to slip out the back door from time to time.

The Glen was so beautiful when there wasnt any people there we loved it and identified with the way it was stolen, owned, traded and exploited to destruction and found we could feed off its will to continued being when we had none again and again.

 I was everything those military bosses types weren't I valued everything and knew some things could never be justified to the same degree that they executed any means justifies the end with absolute professionalism. We couldn't understand how some people somewhere far away possibly wanting to hurt people who hurt people really badly anyway could justify totally abandoning kind of humanism or ethics. They were officially trained and chosen well to never show any emotion ever except the anger and adrenaline needed for punishing. As kids we were impressed by it, if you hadnt done anything you weren't supposed to you never knew what if anything was going on inside.

Jersey accents? Same types that were around when heaps people were rounded up and shipped over at once.

..weird accents in the Glen..  christ. not tonight.. (OK!)

We were very concerned about the future, back then in the early 80s. It seems sometimes we thought about nothing else when we weren't doing the thinking processes that were ordered of course. It was thinking about the future that would take us out into the hills by our selves sometimes. So undermining of course, when I think I have anything that seems solid enough to be  good foundation for a positive sense of sense the words 'might be programming' and 'might be survival fantasy' are never far away..

We were so worried though and we didnt know if they were intentionally letting us see and hear everything to trick us or because they didnt care what we saw and said because we were officially slaves, everybody knew it and no one would dare to do anything. Other kids said the didn't believe it or didnt't care when we talked about what we were overhearing, some already knew and seemed to have accepted it.

We decided the only way to figure it all out was to separate everything that didnt make any sense out into different question and give our different parts different jobs, different things to find out and would put it all together once everyone had got the answers we needed. A technique that had been forced on us and experimented with. We also decided that we had to believe we were thinking and doing things that were unauthorised and off the radar or we would never feel good enough to do anything.

..feeling good enough means occasionally being in a place emotionally and physically where we could see, or be awake or feel anything. We would get longer moments sometimes though, when we could feel the ground under or feat, smell the air and see the stars and it would our commitment to stay human and to love, even if was just the stars, the air and breeze in the trees. We grabbed those little moments in every place across the world we could.

but to some these moments are not as meaningful as they are to others, they say those feelings are from a someone who doesnt come from somewhere. Someone who doesnt have people. We dont know how to answer them back we welcome as us even though we are a bit scared of them.






May 26, 2015

you start of thinking about incest and end back at radio 1 DJs..

Well thank you landlord and landlord's people, we have a bubbly noise in our ear that is starting to get achy. We havent been sticking in ear headphones in them minutes after showering, we have been washing our hair in the bath because you haven't replaced the sensor in the boiler. And expect a call any month now about either of the blokes who were supposed to have fixed the living room damp patch. Our skills are fairly painting over shit based, whats up there .. way up there.. needs more than paint..

Would like to think the decent moods and motivation thats been around a bit more might help stave of a full on ear infection, we've been eating some pretty healthy home cooked meals in evenings. Tea, joints and biscuits if anything solid at all during the day though. We know that we dont have the kind of metabolism that can cope with that, it feels like self abuse and self care at the same time.. emotional rewards being, not having the pressures & triggers of sourcing/preparing food, not fighting the instructions to not eat well and acknowledging that we are in kind of permanent physical shock, stressed constantly which messes up the digestive system and then of course pain killers and their digestive unwanted effects. If tea and spliffs is what we need then dont self shame, its rare at the moment that we wont eat well later anyway sometimes really well.

But then there's the starving parts that are always crying out for food, eating again after starvation isnt a simple thing, its traumatic and parts that are upset because they know how not eating well effect all of us. Therapist reminded us of little children and how they need to eat regularly and how it felt to be deprived of food when growing up. Guilt of course is an appetite killer, the guilt of feeling that know it is me that is starving them. Rape, especially oral rape and be forced eat disguting things and things forced down your throat, antibiotics, witnessing violent trauma and death - all big appetite killers of course to.. Doesn't matter if we are in a place where we push away and have built steel walls between day to day life and the experiences or now when were are gently breathing through the specifics while channel hoping or getting the kids ready for school, we still find we are getting well depleted sometimes.

Its the domestic stuff that really seems to make problems with food built into the fabric of our being. The abuse at the hands of people who fed you when you were very tiny little. All the years of being forced to sit around kitchen tables with those people, eating meals, like a normal family.

uck.

Just seems so overwhelming when we start drawing out the different aspects to it, the parts and what was done to them, over and over and over, the things that we have to do to ourselfs to allow us to eat anything at all.. there might be other stuff we can deal without feeling small and broken but eating breakfast and lunch most days isnt one of them.

Blaming the incest, well its hardly incorrect but incest is pretty handy for traffickers in many ways, people to open doors, administer drugs of course but also because years later you have non famous people to blame all your crippling PTSD on. Rape as a distraction from rape..

We just start seeing peoples faces whenever we think about or look at food options and knowing the physical hells those faces are connected to after that most plans are delayed or cancelled most days. I think on days we do eat breakfast, lunch its not that the faces and the body memories are not there its just that we are stronger and know it cant be avoided. We know the faces and all that will start getting more vivid but we are stronger, motivated, busy and distracted. The posts about abusers connected with support for CSA inquiry are the result. There seems to be a lot unprocessed about the MP and we are not exactly enthusiastic about heading into it and typing out whatever the fuck it is we end up getting in touch with again. Bastard St Andrews. So many of these hells within hells that happened we just come back to again and again, not any stronger, not any more confident in us and no more confident in other people.

As for processing the worst from the worst of the 'DJs' - still makes us laugh out loud..

There is some pretty good motivation for managing something tomorrow though and thats the energy we are gonna need to prepare and start the woodwork in the strawberry icecream coloured bathroom.. scrubbing away and painting over the last of Alkysis from the upstairs bathroom.. fairly emotive.

Will put up pics of finished results.. just a warning to those of you that dont like pink, or butterflies, or flowers., or shabby chic. our Buddha print is already up and s/he isnt complaining.. Really hope there is enough sunshine and we water our backie enough to so we can post pics of all the tonnes of randomly planted flowers that are growing.

..the rose is fine.. lots of sprouty bits..




May 24, 2015

initiating pinkification..

We are excited.

After living here for eight months of living here, five months since the paint arrived and three months since we took down all the fixings, the decorating of the small bathroom has begun.. All those metal hearts and flowers and butterflies will soon no longer be languishing under piles of stuff. The hardest part, getting the ladder/scaffolding in there without death or injury and then getting paint into the worst to reach corners is done. It is very pink. Paint is never quite the shaded expected but who cares when you go from patchy dirty walls to fresh clean paint.  Swear its down to all the extra communicating with the male parts that has unleashed all this 'feminine' aesthetics.. 'Get what you want.' our comfort is theirs..

We didnt know it would all get started yesterday but we realised that when found ourselfs working in the garden that we were in less pain and had more energy.. Its the landlord that is holding up the living room, there is water damage to fix. We will be quite excited about it when it gets going to. There's a big dream catcher wrapped up in a cupboard for it and hopefully junior wont have pulled all the fluffy feathers out of it by the time it goes up. We have a profound respect for native American cultures.. but it was seeing the decor in Skyrim that gave us the idea as much as anything else..

Special Branch coming round tomorrow.

They are tree specialist company that are hopefully gonna take a chainsaw to our hedge. lol..


May 21, 2015

Social & economic inequality without any clothes on.

We really, really need to remember and not waver from the whole never clicking on referring urls thing unless we know exactly where it will lead. No matter how innocent the URL may appear.. There's nothing we can say except stuff like we really genuinely hope you all die soon & suddenly & alone you sick capitalist cunts..