..dear reader..

Then the weed ran out and I got the letter saying I got no points and wasn't entitled to ESA.  The whole 'Im gonna get myself a MA in English' was much more 'wiz up' then, than 'yea man'.  I might as well put in the effort with the wee scholarship application though.  I need something and if not this than maybe trying for it will help me to figure out what.  I didn't want to completely abandon the idea because it is outside what bloody Cameron and his mates think I should get money for.  I've considered it a couple of times before but the idea seems to be germinating big time this time.  I'm not 'just' an unemployed, partially disabled, single mother with a difficult past, I'm all that but with an impressive academic record.  Not completely mental all the time and actually quite good at figuring things out. I'm tough enough and sane enough to know that the current local job market...

Am I really doing this? Sitting in bed with an ashtray nestled in my lap, a spliff in one hand, a pen in the other, notebook resting on my thigh   Radio playing Stone Roses and Blind Melon, in this cardigan that I have now had for more than half my life and hair that still needs a cut. Again.  Its natural, the only route to go down that's why I keep going down it.  Even if I don't really believe in it. I'm still interested, fascinated and its the only area I have experience to build on and a will to continue.  Maybe even a will to apply myself.  Various me's are excited and hopeful others are raising their sad eyes and resting their sore heads and necks. The course has been pre-booked, the 'please give me money letter' in motion, the set texts written down and wished for from Amazon.  MA English - you never know. Jane Eyre is on her way. The phone call to say I am probably not getting ESA must of spurned me on. ...

Its conversations in Thames House, and the home office that is making this essay difficult. Bastard government everything is their fault you know. I studied the same essay that is referred to in the assignment question as part of my education. I got really into it, took on the big boys in arguments, felt comfortable with the whole mind/body problem, had it all sussed out. Was well proud. Of course its hard being reminded of whatever the fuck was going on there but I don't want it get in the way of my studies much more than it is currently. Will not ever EVER take on 2 courses at the same time again. Ug. So one more time, an essay on whether or not AI can produce something like a human mind. This could be a turning point to returning some sort of regular study habit that I can't bear at the moment. I could do so well - do I care enough? I've written a plan for it and will start it tomorrow, 1. read essay. 2. take notes on essay... I got 30% for the last one so this...

Done. Lets just hope it makes it to Walton House on time.. Not a bad effort, not much in the way of shinning but its a hard course and I started it in a refuge, then moved, decorated during the course. The printer traumas and nasty cold over the past few days is pretty much as you would expect. He fell asleep on me a not long after we got home from posting it, a second babbling and wriggling the next snoring. Some amount of doobage. If it was a normal assessment it would be a low 2nd surely, its much better the rest. Not that I care to much about that now, I wanted to do the course even though I knew it would be a struggle and I have. I'm in the mood to start reading for pleasure again, literature course tend to stop me doing that. Now I can focus on philosophy, of the 2nd year kind, yeah.. I can completly forgive myself from depriving wee man of socialising because it stopped us feeling like this once a flipping fortnight. I don't like being fevered, I don't l...

Beautiful day again, still a bit messed up with pain to catch much but spent time with neighbour who was sitting out the back when I eventuly got round to taking bins out. She was telling me about goimg to a spiritualist, her daughter, local kids and ghosts in the building. I'm supposed to be good at that stuff but I rarely pick up on anyone. The presence of the 'not supposed to' spirit is usually to prominant. Which means I cant control it and don't know what's happening to me. Auchswitz gave me seizures, thrashing about on cold wet concrete soaking it all up eyes fixating on shiny shoes. I can't speak to the dead there is too many of them and its too comfortable, knowing how powerless they are. would be on match.com already if had two pounds in my bank can you believe that? But at least I know now to phone up and see what I get offered rather than just paying online. I am genuinly excited about it, interaction with the opposite sex! no pressures I do...