March 29, 2013

Good Friday

Spring ANPs waking today.  Girls that came from good homes, that laugh easier and freer who developed their understanding of themselves outside of abuse, who were loved when they little.  I will never be comfortable using the term 'Apparently Normal Personalities' in regards to anything that is me but its what we working with at the moment and it has a ring to it. ANPs are the parts that manage the day to day running of things.  For me that has to include who deals with the constant flashbacks of horror and disturbing associations in every day objects and activities.  I haven't read or reviewed any of the reading on ANPs and ritual abuse victims recently, I'm trying to work with my therapist mostly and notice who is around with us rather than delving in to other people's research.  Due to the holidays I have two weeks until there is any more appointments though, my brain will probably be pretty different by then anyway.  Sure its been mentioned that 'ANP's, who also choose which of the parts that hold all the emotion, all the trauma are allowed to speak change according to time of year in ritual abuse victims.  We nod at this.

This is the 20 year anniversary of some particularly significant stuff.  I started waking up at times I wasn't supposed to, thinking about things I wasn't supposed to know about.  I was aware I didn't have a child's body anymore, I couldn't convince myself I was a boy, the parts made to preform specific roles in rituals couldn't hold me anymore .  Lots of things had changed since I had last been that aware and much of the stuff that was the same just didn't scare as much anymore.  My therapist mentioned that there was evidence to suggest that something to do with teenagers' brains and particularly teenage girls' brains were harder to control than children or adults.  It rang pretty true.  She talked in terms of the changing physiology of the brain, I talked about ovulating, pregnancy and motherhood, having someone you loved that had never raped you inside you, brings out survival instincts. She called this evolutionary.

There was no fake family, going to school, 'normal' life states of mind that thought they had never been raped and if they had it was only once or twice.  There was no space for them.  Every fucking religious, pagan, historically significant day between sometime in late November 92 till sometimes in late Summer 93 was marked.  The big ones were prepared for, trained for.  With regular boots of forced prostitution, pornography and gang rape by groups of mostly young men who knew others were doing it and they would get away with it between the calendar dates.  I didn't feel much of it to begin with but I was watching and remembering continuously in ways I never had before.  In December I started to really feel it and by late February I noticed that I was able to move, to speech, at will.  It was catastrophic, all the numbness, the dissociation, the denial had lifted.  Everything that was happening, was happening to me and it was the people I lived with that were making it happen and people much more respected and connected than me that were making it happen.  There was so much rape, the police were heavily involved, any attempt to fight or avoid it was pointless.  Sometimes I had to try anyway it made it easier to do what I had to do when running or fighting wasn't an option if I knew I fought to stop it from happening..  By the summer I had discovered the benefits of choosing to take and seek out my own taste in drugs, going to festivals and attempting to negotiate the dose with pimps, producers, handlers and other abusers.  The porn.  It's out there.

I've been thinking about looking into medical negligence compensation, I've been thinking of writing politely and hopefully properly proof read letters to complain about the way the police and NHS mental health services have failed me my entire 30 something years. I've given up on post grad English, I don't have the three and a half grand and I cant be putting myself under any more pressure this year. The woman from Speaking Out, said I should contact met 'ongoing investigations into living persons connected to information I have given them' or something of that ilk.  I named Savile, I don't know how many fucking times to police, mental health services, charity workers, social workers, teachers, people in pubs.  I lived through it and function reasonably well most of the time, I chased them up til I got the opportunity to give some sort of a statement even though I have done plenty of things that could put me in jail. DNA samples don't get amnesia, just the people that run them.    There is fuck all else I can do at the moment, except pray and I don't mind admitting I've been doing that.


March 22, 2013

The beginning of the beginning..

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me!

Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either.

The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David an EP, but EPs from what she was saying are stuck in a moment and David is always the same age as me, I see him age in the mirror.  Last night I was remembering how sometimes as I was raped, usually by a man but sometimes by one of the women from the group that gathered round trying to make me talk throughout it all.  Sometimes their voices were sympathetic, sometimes not.  They told me I couldn't take the pain and had to call on someone, a guardian who was modeled on from someone from a wealthier more powerful group, sometimes it was an angel I was told to call, that I would not survive if I didn't believe I could call on something in my head to help me.  They would climb into my bed and whisper in my ear when I was asleep or half a asleep to talk to the different parts.  They wanted to be there at the 'birth' of other personalities and the creation of pain free zombie or locked out states.  They manipulated, bullied and offered comfort to the created parts and held control and influence over them for a long time after.  That way it didn't matter what the day to day running of things aspects or the resistance EPs did there would always be elements within us that were sabotaging, undermining and informing on any efforts to get out or undermine the group and the networks.  'You can't do anything about it, so there is no point in remembering' was something that was repeated often.  There was a lot of woman involved in the day to day abuse, that was about preparing children for the rituals, porn, sex with groups of men and in teaching us how to abuse and manipulate others.

As we got older, we didn't want to be pretend to be a boy to make it all go anymore.  We didn't want David the eternal big protective brother to be in charge, to be the one that made the lesser of the evils decisions and knowing where about in the menstrual/pregnancy cycles the body was in.  It was bullshit that the only way I could have enough self respect for myself to bother to pay attention to what was happening was to convince myself I was actually a bloke.  I worry how much of that deep seated belief in inherent differences between males and females in terms of their worth and status as members of humanity I still have to deal with.  Its hard to fine any kind of environment to see it properly never mind challenge it.  The people I meet just seem to make the difference, the unequalness, the injustice seem as built into everything as ever and make it even harder to see how there will never be a space for me.

At least now with my very hardworking decent shrink, I've found a place to begin but don't expect much from us, especially in the short term.

March 16, 2013

Grooming a nation.

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't know what I was saying or because he just wasn't answering.  He refused to engage with me academically on any level or explain his diagnosis in any detail.

I went into sessions with him and others knowing I was going to walk out again feeling suicidal because I know nothing happens without paper work.  I've thinking about medical negligence as an avenue I might look into.  I never wanted to cause problems for the NHS before.  There is no getting beyond that some especially front line NHS staff have saved my life and others, restored my faith in humanity and a whole shit load more over many, many years but maybe is it wasn't for some of the decisions of the mental health professionals maybe they wouldn't of had to deal with so much.  They were always so vulnerable.  A couple of sickos on any ward, any shift or whatever anywhere could get away with whatever they wanted, assaulting or talking their way out of any problems.

The first few words of statement for Speaking Out.

        Hospitals  healing, corridors, bleach smell close up and in the background  stinks, bright entrails, 'Suicides' on packed wards, choking noise waking up others, I had to quieten them, had seen others do the same job before me

How can talk about such stuff without any signs of distress? Because it and stuff like it happened quite a lot over many years.  It was a game Savile played a lot convincing a child that another child had been murdered, then presenting the supposedly dead child, 'alive and well' later, being all nice and affectionate.  During the 80's his heavies were mostly porters, often from dodgy backgrounds. They would take the piss out of him behind his back and make efforts to do the things he told them not to, sometimes to me.  From early 90's there were more wealthy young men, professionals from respectable backgrounds and there was a lot more filming. Constant bargaining and favour systems going on all the time by everyone.

There was accidental deaths and boat trips to Islands. Isle of Man. Angelsey?

This of course is just a couple of examples of what I'm writing about for the statement  which of course represents only a few examples of what I have in my head.

As much as I acknowledge the validity of arguments about the need for survivors who can communicate on the subject of extreme abuse in a way that suits the commonly adhered to models of language, authenticity and taste I'm old enough and ugly enough not to be drawn into them too much.  Victims experience other peoples needs and wants as being more important than their own.  The victim's needs and wants, right down to their right to live are not secondary they are not even recognised.  They are of no consequence to anyone directly involved or otherwise.  It's a common grooming technique used to get children and adults to start entertaining the idea that the best thing to do in some situations of abuse is to go along with it.  To draw attention to it or to challenge something so much bigger and stronger than yourself can it would only make matters worse.

This is what grooming is, gently and apparently rationally taking someone down a path they had no intention of going down.  It also involves some flattery telling a child they are clever, pretty or suggesting that as survivors activists or whatever we are some how privileged in our understanding of how rape and child abuse functions in our societies and in our minds.

Not that I think everyone who suggests consideration for the public's sensibilities need to be taken into consideration when addressing extreme organised abuse is willingly involved plot to discredit survivors and victims.  And even if they are, the very fact that they are engaged in what they are doing means that they have no idea what or who they are talking about.  I just wish there was a little respect for the fact that while some people are labeling Savile's sexuality and categorising on his type of deviancy, some of us are trying to articulate what he actually did who he did it with.

Lots to be getting on with then.


March 11, 2013

Best psychiatrist I've ever had...

Quotes from report for ESA appeal..

"There is identity confusion even involving her sexuality as she reports her first voluntary relationship in her teenage years was with another girl and this was sexual"

"She always gives an elaborate and sometimes complicated past history of alleged sexual abuse with some disturbing details but typically does not appear disturbed or distressed whatsoever and has told me that the reason is because she has repeated the stories over and over several times, and used to it at this stage.

"Diagnosis - 1. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder which among other symptoms explains her possible variable mood, history of deliberate self-harming behavior, chronic feeling of emptiness, identity disturbance and possible dissociative like state particularly under stress.

2. She had also attached in her notes a diagnosis of Persistent Delusional Disorder due to the non-bizarre nature of the alleged strings of sexual abuse which although hasn't yet been verified but still under investigation."

I presume he meant 'bizarre' rather than 'non bizarre'.  Homosexuality equals identity confusion?!?

As for not appearing 'disturbed or distressed' I guess he doesn't pick up on self soothing (rubbing, stroking my arms, hugging myself), the thousand yard stare or the weeping that happened when he said he was going to investigate.  The police have said they same thing, what the fuck do they expect? I generally get upset after such appointments but no one is there to document that so it doesn't count.  I saw this letter the same day as wee man had his face versus pavement incident, the GP who saw us for the emergency appointment has sent me out one of those multiple choice 'how miserable are you' questionnaires.  I must of been appeared 'disturbed and distressed'.

I wonder how many people have committed or attempted suicide  self harmed, went on drug/alcohol/food/sex binges or gave into abusers/abusive behaviors after appointments with Psychiatrists or other health care professionals?

'First do no harm' pfft.

March 08, 2013

torture and flashbacks

Wee man's wee facial injury has been causing me a whole heap of anxiety and some specific flashbacks.  Being held down in my bedroom while someone hit my front teeth with a hammer.  Very calculated blow enough to cause lots of pain and bit of bleeding but not shatter them. It was my family and Savile related but I can't remember exactly who was there. I had no chance of of not being aggravated even if I had tried.  I had an at school alter who knew she could never wonder why she felt so awful or where she was in pain and never to try and do anything about it.  I bit into something at lunch, twix or something and ended up crumpled head head down weeping in agony in front of a packed dinner hall.

There was another time a lot more complex tripping me up, again in my bedroom with my hands tied behind my back so my mouth would hit something carefully placed before me.  Given instructions on how I had to fall, that time was with Scottish Ritual Abuse type people.  Over the days following something like that you had to be careful or run the risk it being aggravated, the healing put back days, and maybe an infection introduced.  Access and quality of pain killers and medical attention would also be manipulated or denied.  I hate pain.

I've got to write a statement for the Speaking Out investigation about Savile at Stoke Mandiville, Broadmore and Leeds General Infirmary.  Okey dokey.  

March 02, 2013

not exactly court ready..(yet)

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here.

We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some psychological or other trauma putting me back further.

So where are we at? I've made a formal statement that was witnessed by two others that alleges Savile was involved in ritualised rape and murder through out the 80's and 90's.  I know this because I was a 'favourite'. I had a lot of experience in being raped and being filmed being raped and add enough dissociated states, personalities and talents to titillate any taste.  There were murders but there was also a lot of psychological and mental manipulation into making children believe murders had happened when they didn't and confusing them about they witnessed when they had.  I did witness murders in Jersey & other places.  Savile was involved in organising abuse in places like the Elm Guest House and the cover ups.  He sought out connections and power over others by any means to gain more access to vulnerable children and protect his activities.  He was incredibly business like when it came to arranging posh dinners, charity activities as well the sexual exploitation and initiations that would happen afterwards.  He offered me for sex at places where he worked and to people he is publicly known to have associated with and I saw some of these people many times over many years.  I would be told I was in a relationship with men who were involved in taking me to places, drugging me and selling me for sex and all sorts of pornography. It started when I was pre verbal and the last time I saw him was when I was 25 and it was still going on then.

I said a while back that I didn't remember Savile having much of a sophisticated understanding of programming but couldn't say that know.  When he felt like he had to his mix or rape, torture and psychological abuse seemed to destroy absolutely anyone. They sent intelligence agents to him to toughen them up but stopped after the agents all went mental afterwards.  I didn't put that last bit in the statement.  The stuff I said about seeing less of him in the 90s - not like I've been thinking either. It just changed when I hit puberty.

What happens next depends on what if anything the police get about my previous contact with them.