Showing posts from December, 2018


They're keeping me awake. Got as much out of the voltarole tube as we can better remember and get more tomorrow. We built the playmobil pyramid its very cool, particulary the skeleton that fits inside the mummy that fits inside the sarcofagus. We said it was like a cool Russia doll. He said they were called Russian nesting dolls so we said if it wasn't Xmas he might of got a mansplaining ear flick for that. It wasn't liked it was the first time in that hour/day that he corrected without any real need. It gets a bit relentless at times. We've said before it can really bring us down. Particulary when we really struggling with mood and pain and really forcing ourself to do essential stuff.

Was hoping to avoid taking more codiene at least until after we have slept but the pain and all the associated memories and misery have made that impossible. Trying not think of the stuff that we never got to do much outside of the trafficking that this pain means we are highly unlikel…

Keep looking at the stars and hoping

Little Prince was quite wonderful. Might have to force the dude to watch it with me next time, watched Kubo again with him today and enjoyed it again. Did pay a little more attention to the names in the credits this time and beyond George Takai couldn't spot any that looked even vaguely Asian and that bugged. Did remind us of a phone call in Dundee and making a joke about anyone who has even been on holiday East of Africa not being barred from the studio. We miss parts being front and center that aren't English speakers and we miss they people they talked to. Its why we are kept isolated the less people we speak to, the less of us can communicate internally or externally amongst ourselves. The cannbinoids couldn't allow us to switch languages and cultures that takes prior scheduling, big changes in environment or serious need but it does give us a much wider sense of who we are and where we have been and it's not going to stop being heartbreaking trapped in a dark cor…


Thinking or feeling rather that the stuffing balls may of been undercooked and that's why we've got the upset tum. Not taking the kettle to the bathroom to fill it anymore. Just using a cup that can fit under the kitchen tap and using it to get enough water in the kettle. The lad has no problem with a lazy day. Never does. Or at least not since he was three or four and said he wanted to go to park but we couldn't but didn't say it was because it was too fucking dangerous and I was to weak to feel I could deal with whatever was threatened. He never asked again. It's always gonna hurt remembering that and how dejected he looked when we said sorry, no.

Now Christmas day has past we are able to have the kind of boxing day we love, close to a loved one but mostly by ourself, listening to chilled music, looking out the window, napping. Our hands and our back and our everything else needed a break. The tattie peeling has been particulary painful but it meant today both h…

Winterfest guts

Not at all surprising. If we just keep eating and drinking we won't feel so much or want to cry!! It doesn't work much. Back on the tea now, no cream no cinnamon no honey no brandy, just nice plain tea. Lad seems pretty chuffed with his haul. The playmobil Hickup and Toothless is particulary cool. Built the pirate ship its not bad, especially as we put a girl pirate on it. The pyramid will have to wait. Think it will be a little trickier to build as its got a few moving parts but that's what makes it so cool. Sweets, shinny things, soft fluffy things and super smash bros. Essentials covered.

Cooking is tricky enough in a decent sized kitchen but in the mini one it wasn't easier. There is the grill space to keep things warm though so that helped. We've been using his big desk to eat the big meals. This was the 21st..
 Works not to bad.

Can hear him getting in about the left overs at the moment. Don't have a problem with that. There's heaps. Just as well coz…

Poor Princess

Knew it wasn't gonna be good when we saw "cat lady" come up on the phone. Jess is okay she was always cooler with us not being around for a while. Prince as they are calling him is still suffering. Hiding all the time and scratched some one. Checked with the agency landlord won't budge on the no pets. Kind of had is in right state yesterday after the call. Too upset to sleep which is a shame because we've been sleeping much better and now that pattern is all ruined. The lad was up with a funny tummy and is fevered today so all we had to do at half eight is leave a message and say he won't be coming in. Good in terms of having to organise him after only a few hours sleep scuppered my pub plans though. Might of ditched the idea because of anxiety anyway.

Did go out for milk though and a couple more stocking fillers and a new fluffy blanket to try and comfort and calm us. So fucking sick and pissed of at being so weepy and close to tears so much of the fucking …

Show face

Took it easy today. Well except for carrying the asda shop up the stairs. That was quite back hurting. Stacked freezer though. Bunch of stuff hidden away so the lad does scoff of all. Lots of wine, the brandy, chocolate, trimmings, desserts. All we need is the fresh stuff tatties and if we can source them without going to a supermarket coz that that's not happening, parsnips. Do love a roasted parsnip or two. And of course cannabis. Diazepam just doesn't touch the need for weed. It helps us sleep but it's hard to feel better for lots of sleep when the dreams are just so yucky, horrible, uncomfortable even of we do seem to be standing up for our self more in them they are not nice dreams but they are really fucking vivid and all the intense detailed unpleasantnesses keeps us pretty miserable and feeling hopeless even though we we are in a less hopeless and depressing place in terms of where we live. We still have our body.

Got some bill based adulting to do tomorrow also g…

Food and warmth though

The wind last night had us fairly anxious. Knowing there was diazepam waiting for us didn’t help at all. It died down but the anxiety over the wind chapping at our letter box became dread of nightmares. And we were right when we gave in we had lots of vivid dreams the worst one involved Lynne torturing our hands. The Sunday walk didnt happen or the sorting out of the rubbish and recycling but we did make tea. Ate curry while watching the new ghostbusters again his choice. It is damn cool.

Picked up the meds today though. Earlier on was all "I'm good don't need no anti anxiety." But now I'm all lonely and weedless and weepy. Gotta watch it with the vino. A little is great. Too much and it just exaggerates the loneliness and sadness. Tired too though. Think we got all the stocking fillers we need. Went down to bank to. Lost the habit of eating during the day when there was nothing to eat and that isn't gonna help anything. Had a banana and a bag of crisps …

So there is no "Paul" but there is a David. Is that right?

Prove ID at the job centre went OK. We have ID which of course helped a lot. So very glad we took the citizen card out if our purse years ago because we lost several purses since then and it would of been a serious pain. Got an instant advance to so the rent was only a day late. Very wincy amount of money gonna be coming out of our unknown amount of benefits for the next year. Doctor yesterday seemed like a nice guy as well checked our hands better than anyone else has 'wear and tare arthritis " figured. Unfair and figured. Didn't pick up the prescriptions he gave me though because this is England and we had no idea if we qualified for free ones and haven't ran out of anything we need most just yet. Kind of helps knowing there is diazipam there for us even though we haven't picked it up, should of just ticked the ESA box of course.

Managed our first walk about by our self with our jammie bottoms on under our grubby old tracky trousers. The freezing cold, not know…

Grinchey Mother Fuckers

Not I would expect any better from Clarence and co, someone who had a go at Margo's level of house cleaning. He wants his tenents to stop him from needing to spend a penny on his property so he can just sit back and take the money. We did think all the talk about understanding the circumstances when we handed over the keys was bollocks. The cunt has caused serious stress and tears for Margo, Laura and us. Last time though. They're dead and I'm gone. The assistant sent photos of the mess left and an attempt to shame us, their are always about the shaming, detritus and bags of rubbish - shock! An unclean cooker - awful! Bathroom with soap bottle and a strip that comes of a pad so you can stick them to your knickers - oh the horror!! The decorator's ladder and unused paint - how dare we!! We did of course say we would do what we could and would focus on the furniture and clearing the shed but would be physically unable to clean and would have to leave before the removals…


Hope we can talk to decent GP tomorrow, preferably one that wont be shocked, disgusted etc at our littles. Wish we could take a break from the codiene but no chance with no erbal and pain at the levels its been last few days and all the stuff we need to do. Wish we could get at break from the nightmares as well as the irritability, sadness and disappointment the pain brings. Couldnt, wouldn’t sleep until after five last night, just didn’t want to return to a place where our experience overwhelmes everything else about us.

Hope we get the deposit back tomorrow but almost certainly wont so we can eat and buy baccy. The school is all about the compulsory formal wear, its gonna have to wait until after Christmas though.

Managed to put up some decor in the hall today. Usual plans we hoped to manage the night before were impossible. But we did a little and it looks really pretty. Still haven’t tried out our new mini hoover yet.

Come home.

Tree's up

Polar Express DVD still works, we watched it last night after doing the tree. He got involved more than he has in previous years. He's maybe got a bit of distance between him and his Xmas triggers. Sick satanic anti people bastards will do all they can to make sure little kids associate the festivities with terror, pain and misery. Cunts.

Not regretting buying the double oven even if it hasn't been wired in yet because we don't have the 20 to give the agencies electricians and have no pissing cash for food anyway. There's an Iceland near and we got a few things so not completely starving. It's a pain though, espically when in pain, always horridly sensitive and have lots to do. Will finish the universal credit application as soon as the ESA is in and try not to spend too much. There isn't much we need expect food and to pay bills etc and we have a cooker we can use and that of course will help a lot. Horrible not knowing what we will get or when or how much bi…

FUCK OFF Anxiety

Seriously, do one.

Yes We know flitting is very stressful for anyone, yes we know having no support network makes everything harder, yes we know PTSD can be awful and is not well supported by the NHS while DID isnt even recognised as a thing, yes we know chronic pain can make anyone's life miserable, yes we know many people are find financial insecurity in general and the change to universal credit in particular really unpleasant, yes we know its not easy being a single parent. Yes We know that that when trafficking victims who had years of torture programming do something they have been repeatedly told to not do whilst being tortured they do not feel comfortable no matter how much in their interests it is to do thing their abusers told them not to do. Yes We know everything we have achieved recently is exhausting and is going to take us a while to recover. But for fuck sake give us a break.


Guess we better see if the docs gave processed our registration tomorrow and s…

Wednesday, the day after Tuesday.

Early evening sleeps meant we were both awake in the wee small hours. They didn't feel to wee or small. Thankfully google told us about a newsagent nearby that opens at 5:30. It was quite beautiful actually, freezing cold, all the decorations, clear skies with a tiny sliver of a moon and the north star or whatever planet it is both shinning really bright. Then home to coziness and nicotine outside looking up at the stars.

We were in the cheap everything shop at about half eight replacing stuff that got left and we need but really can't afford. Forgot we don't have kitchen knives but we won't be able to install the cooker that arrives later ourself anyway. We did it when we were younger but the extra trauma since then has kind of annihilated what was left of our concentration, confidence and memory. And there wasn't cash left for asda order so it got cancelled. We did eat out though. Necessary after so long on junk food. We cleaned ourself up, put on some foundatio…

Monday, the day before Tuesday.

Early night and early morning, good chance we can do the same tonight. Hope so, really hope so because on top of the knackerness of so much to do, no cooker to cook decent meals with and no money to eat out or get something delivered we now are out of baccy to. And it's only fucking 1844.

Middle school seems pretty decent, we were actually a little jealous. It didn't have that stupefyingly triggering school smell. He seemed to like it to. Huge bonus of course. The worst part with the school and the docs was the whole "next of kin" thing.. Very short of surviving volunteers there.

Still dealing with boxes and decor and chuffness and exhaustedness at home. Room is feeling very mine and the piles of decor are becoming smaller and less overwhelming. I'm sure after lots of food we will be less intimidated by thought of opening up the Xmas boxes and dealing with the tree bought for a property considerable larger than this. Shiny stuff, Xmas movies and munchies with th…

Beach, December rain and Decor

Was expecting more moaning from the lad when we started walking the opposite way from shop but he was mostly cool. When we saw the slide in the little park and the beach itself we knew we had been here before. Big sense of us being okay and cared for at the time. We saw us wave to ourself on the way back up, it was a dry warm summer day where she was and with friends, she’s a happy chatty popular kid. Cold and constant drizzle with me and the lad now. We winked back.

Beach though. Then a shop. Without public transport, without walking for miles. Later on when we were back home we even had some energy left to put up some decor in our room. Not ready for any xmasification, can barely step foot in the livingroom cause thats where we dumped heaps of stuff so we could sort out our room.

Fucking knackered and sore now but thats not suprising. Seeing the news piece about a woman spending all her money to legally get weed imported through a private doc made us kind of us buckle a bit. Especi…

Could see outside from bed today, pretty cool

Pain just friggin awful. Dude got us playing a board game and that helped distract us for a while after that we did some sorting out and moving stuff. In that horrible place where we don't want to move then when we do start doing stuff it helps distract and we don't wanna stop but we know the more we do the worse it will be and the harder it will be to eat coz we are so tired.

Dreams horrible and that always has us feeling weak and tearful.

Will be able to put up some decor tomorrow though that will be seriously pleasing. Not has fun as it would be if we had cannabis to help with the nightmare triggers, pain and knowing where things look right. But still lovely though. Not breaking open the Xmas boxes yet though will start with other stuff. Also gotta figure what bags and piles of clothes are clean and which are dirty and where to put them and that won't be so fun.

Still smiling to be here though and not caring about how much less space there is. Put books on our bookcase…