April 29, 2019

Feeling really awful Zo. We knew we would and it doesnt help. We knew the script, we knew power struggles, we knew we wouldn’t be able to not get pregnant with Pablo, we knew we would end up in Dundee, we knew we knew Dundee would not be survivable unless someone helped us, we knew you couldn’t let us die and we knew whoever helped us would not be allowed to survive. What fucking conversations for two teenage girls to have had. A tad more extreme experiences than your average bullied high IQ queers. When you loudly announced to those pricks that were giving you crap in the cafeteria that you were gay. Marvellous. When you walloped Lynne for being a sick bitch, the way you kissed me on the forehead as we walked into the community centre with our arms round each other after. Wonderful.

Why is it I need live again? Its not just a general desire to live we know that, a general love of live is exactly what makes surving severe oppression and enslavement impossible.

“Just wait. You will see.” You used to say.

Doing all the things we couldnt do when you were alive because it would of meant your certain death or worse was certainly something but not enough.

“We’ll get her for this.” Said some male voice on the phone probably Scots, after we dispatched Spam.

“Who?” We barked back. “There’s fuck all left.”

“Zoe.” He says with that permanent sadist smugness they always have when they talk to us.

“Cunt. She’s already gone.”

We were in a ball on the stairs for a while after that, unable to move and certainly not talking any calls from more scum. Eventually we crawled up to bed.

I hate the memory gaps, the years long delays it takes before we finally stop keeping something in the hands of few parts, it keeps us fragmented as much as it keeps us alive.

Getting underneath the monster wild shrub in the backy. Hung a plastic vintage blue pot on the wall, will probably get more. The raspberry sundae pansys are beginning to flower.

Wish you were here. So much.

April 26, 2019

Whose still alive? Anyone know?

“So is the DID still something that effects you?”

Here we are again explaining the effects of trauma on a developing human brain to someone’s whose job is mental health. Been there so many times feeling dirty and stupid because we reached out for support we need. Its a programmed self harm habit and we try and persuade ourself its more that than but is it?

When she talked about 2010 being a long time ago and there being much more awareness about trafficking now we were already gone. Didnt bother trying to explain that DID isnt a diagnosis in the NHS or that there wasnt any understanding being shown by the hospital staff three years ago when the support received was weekly sessions surrounded by doctors and nurses being asked, “What do you mean by trafficking?” Again and again.

Her supervisors have told her to refer me back to psychiatry so that is what she was going to do. Wished she had told me that before putting me through an excruciating risk assessment but they have dont they, because we have a kid.

She asked of course if any of this had been reported to the police but still offered to give us victims first’s phone number to help us with another attempt at reporting after we gave an overview of our history with informal and formal complaints and the police.

“Sure.” We said. Not the much more appropriate, “No thanks like we said we are not suicidal or intentionally do things that we know will bring serious harm to our son.”. At least all this happened over the phone and we didnt have to put ourself through the stress of travelling to and from such standard bullshit.

The guy we saw about our knee was lovely though. It was so good to be in the presence of and getting attention from a genuine and helpful caring professional. We could’t tell him we have no idea about serious injuries but there is a strong possibility. He gave us a excercise to do, much more useful to be shown and helped to do them in person than have them described over the phone. He also showed us there was movement there that shouldn’t be.

Depression makes daily excercising fucking impossible sometimes but we have been doing what we can and walking when we can to.

Gardening of course to. Have many seedlings and plug plants slowly growing. Turned over a bit of border and put some tiny ferns in today. Few £1 plants to .. goddam cheap shop near us is selling them outside and we cant help ourself. Most of our deliveries came today, some pinks for the dark blue planters. Scented geraniums not here yet. Caved and ordered a buddleia there are very grow able and this one is a really dark purple.. Said we can order some pink lavender if we got through the day without buying baccy. Have been recycling though, as expected since its day one, again so might not order them until we are past the recycling and drying under the grill because its been raining stage.

Dreams have horrific again. Awful. One recetly included a Laura trying to kill us and cutting of one of our eyelids. In another, a guy who was doing a shocking job of decorating a building i was in with a very water stained ceiling donated a tiny bit of really strong stuff but a really horrible Margo and Niall demand we share the ikle joint we rolled and we ended up getting none.

Z has been on our mind. Trying not to freak about not knowing if she was amazing and beautiful or if she still is.

April 20, 2019

"That's the life."

Indeed.

Taste of what the summer months will be like today. So many smiles and comments from passing locals and holiday makers. Love it. Seriously. Doesn't feel quite so much like drinking alone when you can't to end of a paragraph in the book your reading without friendly people saying friendly things. Cant wait til our flowers are all out and start getting comments about that to.

Used last years factor twenty but still got a bit pink around a shoulder strap. Not too bad though, our face can't really burn in northern Europe in April but we used the lotion anyway and as always feel a little more in our skin when our skin is exposed to sunlight.

It wasn't the wine. Wasn't the stroppy pubescent or the crazy sore knees but they helped. It was the end to the break we have had in vivid dreaming and horrible hangovers from them that made us decide we were not ready to keep going through the nicotine cravings. We dont feel too disappointed in ourself. Jeez it doesn't taste nice without the cannabis and we know its the cannabis we really need. Not planning on just giving up on stopping and just going back to smoking fags because that's what we do even though we don't like them because by it's self nicotine doesn't actually touch the very strong sense that we need to smoke because it will make us feel so much better, so much more ourself.

But we can't access any at the moment and the nicotine alone doesn't help. Like we wrote it's a reminder, a symbol of dirty, health killing, money burning replacement for stolen loves and lives we are prohibited from living. It keeps us feeling like our name is Louise, youngest daughter of Bill and Margo who may of been a bit non functioning but were a real family and there may of been some neglect and abuse but it wasn't all a front and part of serious crime and human trafficking trade that was both ancient and modern. The fags make our memories of a real mum, of all that real war and genocide feel further away less real. That is why we have given in and become regular fag smoker because we could not handle all that when it was ongoing and we were so alone.

When there is cannabis again we will be in a better place to not overuse both physically because of where we live now but also because we won't be in the habit of regularly lighting up if we can get off the roll ups. Its not like we were ever interested in or enjoyed smoking fags if cannabis was available. We would much rather wait and if we didn't or couldnt we would be struck by how disgusting it tastes.

"Relapse is part of recovery."


April 19, 2019

Alright Friday

Crazy beautiful weather today and tomorrow for a spring bank holiday. We loving it, wishing we had people to love it with us, getting sad dude not wanting to go to beech and coz we got no weed then remembering how it used to feel being us and being so glad those people don't have us anymore like they used to.

Knees and hands sore but been quite active in garden and forced the lad to walk a bit today so no wonder. Yesterday we got lots of the nettles out the garden, some have been there so long the roots like trees. Garden waste bin is full already and wont be picked up for weeks and that's a shame. The monster wild shrub is still there to but think we can probably get most of it out eventually. Wish we had chainsaw to get rid of prickly tree, its all weird looking and causes shade and jaggy mess. Maybe next year.

Someone put loads of stones in for a border edging and we neatened it out a week or so ago. Weeded the border and made the stones make a wavy line. Today we turned it with the big fork and planted some pansies that were delivered. Got lobelia here and on the way for that bit to gona be cool. May e next year will go for blues and whites so it looks like a water line against the stones.. Nicer work than dealing with very established unwanted that have roots that go under an old wall that's kind of falling apart. Stuck a creeping thyme in one of the holes last week. There's a little fern already in it and been watering it to. Don't know what to do about big hole in it.

Gonna have to show how its going some time. Seedlings round the front are doing well, hosta has been getting munched so we put coffee round it like the guy said.

Haven't bought nicotine. Would of if tens were still a thing.. There was one more occasion of "improvising" but feels like we are past that now. Good. Coz that's disgusting.

There is some plug plants on the way. And pots because the flitters left all but one big one.. Been missing the pusscats to, but we know we couldn't take proper care of them, the front line only partly works and the powder brought on migraines but its shit how loss piles on loss. Pusscats, planters, people.

Our old hot water bottle started leaking and skalded us, didn't like not having one but have a new fluffy blue green one now that dude is quite jealous of but not that jealous coz we eventually got the wireless to work on his computer so haven't been seeing much of him.

Theres been moments when it occurs to us how much we were forced to do but no longer are and can't be forced to again and we can almost fathom the difference it makes to our life, almost appreciate ourself for figuring out how then sticking to it. So much can't be replaced or returned but we are here on good Friday, tired from gardening and a quick pint in a beer garden via an icecream shop for dude, knowing that all that normalness is fucking momentous for us.

Hope the seedlings we left outside are okay. Supposed to be 19/20 tomorrow and ten degrees lower over night so they should be. Also hope someone who knows and loves at least some of us a bit talks to us soon.

April 14, 2019

The worst is past.

Not that its going to be smooth sailing from here on but we have not spent so much of today thinking about it or on pointless searches in the house for something to smoke. Did the nasty yesterday.. went out in the street to see if we could find anything, it was quiet, no one around we found a little and were going to look for more when we heard a door close. A neighbor from a few doors down had stepped out to vape. He normally goes out the back!! We have smelt the cherry flavoured pumes. We skuttled back to our door where he couldn’t see us and hoovered a bit like we had some reason to be there. Hes younger and not as chatty as most of the retired folk, there is definitely one or two who would of just asked what we were doing and that would of been mortifying. We would of had to lie, unprepared and badly.

With a clean skin and filter we had less than half a fag but it helped. As we have been writing in another symptom diary that might actually be looked at this time, pelvic and knee pain have been bad. The lad is into experimenting lots with his voice, speaking  in wierd voices and making loud noises and its been seriously getting on our frayed nerves.. We know we wouldn’t but still an image of us lashing out and punching him has popped up a couple of times.

Down to two tea bags but there is uht milk and hot chocolate. The food bank gave us instant hot chocolate to but we tried it yesterday and didn’t like it much. Theres not much left than fussy him and fussy us will actually eat but not nothing and we only have tomorrow to get through. May be a bit of a danger of going nuts when there is money which we cant afford of course. Doubt we will buy baccy though. If and when we buy wine again could be a tricky point..

Stupidily hoped not smoking baccy would reduce our screaming need/want for weed but it really hasnt. Its worse if anything. We would have an even better shot at using and not abusing when not smoking fags all the time when we dont have something that seriously genuinely helps. Worried about triggers though, something about not smoking and remembering trauma that isn’t just caused by the moving on. There was instructions, programming linking memory repression and nicotine addiction.

:-/

April 12, 2019

Wahay! Sanitary products and tinned food!

So thankful that food banks exist, that there is one within walking distance and we are not so mentally ill that we can actually go there, talk to them and ask. Wasn’t easy getting it all home though  which has of course pissed off my hands and wrists. Knees were already damn sore. Gardening and walk to the beach yesterday. Shame he is not an age that can appreciate how wonderful it is to be able to walk all the way home from the beach with no shoes. We were not paddling it was freezing but we still could feel how utterly perfect that is.

Were given a load of bladder weakness stuff to, we did say we would be okay on Tuesday but glad we have them. Disposable knickers will come in handy if we run out of clean pants or during a cold.. Just to be given toilet roll and uht milk though.. considerably reduced our misery levels which are damn high anyway what with multiple sources of chronic pain and nicotine cravings and countined cannabislessness. Glad we went for the walk though even if it has made for worse pain our mind needed it. Spring settling in has us peeping out of ourself a little more to. Not having to fake the gladness, not feeling the basic joy of air, trees, sky, grass completely overshadowed. We may of been able to keep as much of the specifics out of our consciousness in Scotland but never the sense of extreme threat, loss and being hated by everyone just for being by people unable to care for themselves, their children.

There was another ting from our phone telling us “please sign into your UC account” this morning. This time we though there was a message that at least appeared to be from an actual person, we are going to have to fill out another capability for work questionaire. Will be working very hard on it in the hope we wont have to go face to face assessment. Switching in front of adults who have unlikely never heard of DID.. Having only us to care for us after, we will likely feel like we are back in Dundee, feeling like it’s the early nineties. That’s just way too much hell. Not sure what shape we would be in for a long time after that without any green herb or understanding persons to patch us up and glue us together.

Will buy garden stuff with the baccy money next week that will cheer us up and remember how shitty  it felt to start smoking again after a week or longer of poverty enforced abstinence in the past.






April 11, 2019

Disengage

Definitely at the "fuck this and fuck everything else" stage of nicotine withdrawal. Been keeping ourself distracted as best we could, with the garden, the odd walk, repeatedly dying during the dlc and the even tougher difficulty level that unlocks after completing Resident Evil.

Was an email telling me to log into my universal account, always makes us queasy, bad news? Just letting us know they received the request for mandatory reconsideration? Nope same message we have seen several times saying universal credit "effects" i.e stops lots of other benefits. It's kind of aggravated us as things do, like seeing Assanage even if he is being arrested, hearing Barr continue the Republican habit of pissing all over the rule and the spirit of the law. He's attorney fucking general Nance you need to start doing your jobs and start the impeachment process, stop tolerating this lunacy. People matter. The truth matters. Party politics - not so much.

The whole not wanting to stand up for democracy in case it antagonises the violent right pisses me off. To hand them power like that, to allow them to manipulate democratic processes and then stand back hand wringing when they predictably annihilate those processes and institutions.. Can't imagine what it must feel like to be and to have grown up reasonably safe and comfortable must make a world that is extremely different from the one we are in.

Yep as much as Maddow helps we are not in a place where watching will undo the damage done to us by seeing and hearing the New Fascist World Order. Knowing we did everything we could to stop this, knowing our friends, our family died in great numbers and in great pain trying to stop this from happening just to be ignored because we are inconvenient. 

April 09, 2019

Was glad of the fog but glad it lifted to.

That hand to mouth existence we mentioned. It keeps you in the present, keeps you focused on the next craving and keeps your head far away from the bigger picture. Its scaring us the thought of having to some how face all our own the incalculable loss. Parts of us, parts of other people, the life and existence of other people.. So much was taken, deliberately, calculated and planned in great detail in order to maximise the damage, never accidents always crimes involving many privileged peoples against an isolated child or children, or the vulnerable "adults" we became. How do you deal with the death of a loved one without naming them, remembering specifics about their life and death?

You can't..

Back in Glenrothes we were heading back to the house one night. We hadn't been out long of course when a group of them saw us walking painfully said something about is being "got at".

We sighed an hobbled on and explained no one had touched us we were limping and wincing because we were riddled with arthritis because we had been force to fight our whole life. As we got closer to them I think we admitted that yes there had in the past been bad injuries when we had be gotten at in but that wasn't tonight and when weren't in so much pain that we couldn't take the lot of them out if they didn't get the fuck out of our way.

We looked briefly at some of the faces as we walked through them. Not immediate neighbours, cousins, cousins' kids? Was she from Aberdeen? Junior Andersons were bound to be there, Was that one a Dundoian.. or usualy in Glasgow? Is that one of those little pricks from some new band we only know about from being trafficked,  worked and tortured.

Whatever. They weren't standing in our way and were not going to try anything when we had our back to them that's all that mattered. We got in and locked the door and leaned against the wall. Feeling so fucking sick but we didn't puke and after a few minutes we were strong and stable enough to check on Pablo.

Did some gardening today, put the manual mover together and pushed it around on our patchy uneven lumpy bit of grass as best we could. Dug up one of the monster shrub's offspring, and tidied up the stones that some one put down has a border.

Annoying we can't buy a thing, we managed to put it off but think the showing face at the food bank is still necessary.

You cant do what you are doing and care about anyone or anything.

Admittedly we did some very unhealthy recycling today. Reminded ourself of how cool it would be to only smoke one or two a day. We dont have the will power for that when alone, not very active and having bad issues with mood and pain.

Very confident we wont be buying baccy tomorrow with the whole £20 child benefit. It will be another week before we get another twenty and a few more days after that before we see money that would not be an immediate choice between eating or fags. Cant see us going back after that time. It feels real this time.

 Got a letter about council tax, should of held on before giving them as much as we did as the instalments they are now asking for are actually doable.

Been watching and reading too much US news. Its like if Savile was alive and had been made PM, or Ferris or some other evil cunt from the worst of the music scenes. Their fucking faces, their voices everywhere. Revolting.

Saw a actress has pleaded guilty to sex trafficking and related crimes. That’s not nothing and not likely to happen  over here for worse or similar crimes. The states is too big for all law enforcement and press to be on the same page on everything. Would be better if they indicted president evil and lots of comrades and associates in the 80s though. What a very different world this could of been.

Gonna try sleepin. Gotta not eat all the weeks worth of food tomorrow so good living close to cheap shops. Would be even tougher if we ended up in one of the other places we looked at. Not as good as being with real family and friends and without so much mourning to somehow figure a way through on our own.

Okay. Sleep. And in the morning, food.




April 08, 2019

Day 1

Yesterday doesnt count because of the recycling and coz when we went to the shop with our last £2 for milk and juice we found a forgotten about roll up in our pink hoodie pocket. Its not like previous times when it felt like we could do it, you know if things were different, but they werent and we were doing everything we could. Knowing that of course if things were different we would not be in a place where people we knew encouraged us to smoke and having nothing else to comfort us between incidents of horror.

Harsh though. The patches of irritability and weepiness we usually have are suddener and sharper. It would be a lot worse if not for the codiene. Resident Evil 7 has been a good distraction we bought it a  couple of weeks ago before we realised we cant afford it. Been playing with and without the lad. Hes pretty good, we panic gaming in ways we dont do in real life and have had to relay on Pablo to get us through fights on the madhouse save We started after finally getting to the end on normal. DLCs are fairly entertaining and crazy difficult as well. Do you want to change difficulty setting?.. no i fucking dont. I will just keep doing the same bits until eventually i figure something out or dont die. Will get through it all too quickly on easy and then what will i do? The washing? Go for a walk? Pfft. Keep sitting ankles crossed when playing and leaning forward to read the screen that is pulled as close to the couch as possible. Knees are not fans of the acute angles.

Think we will have to use the food bank if possible though. There is pretty much nothing left for tomorrow. Some milk, some butter.. some crackers he wont eat. Going to be a tricky adjustment having our income halfed with costs of giant boy, formal uniform requirements, replacing house stuff left during flit, trying things to help with knees, needing clothes to cover my stress and comfort eating bod, the impossible amount of council tax expected. The £90 they are taking because they decided to fuck with benefits system while we needed to put distance between ourself and experiences of genocide, slavery, breeding, extreme and normalised child abuse and rape.

Even skinter than when we were spending 100s a month on weed but without any weed..

No fags is gonna help us feel that bit further from everything and everyone that has brought us so much pain and misery, that took and takes so much from the world, from everyone and everything. It will help parts of us come forward, parts that don’t understand why we would keep smoking fags when not being forced to and have no good associations with it by itself.

This only day one though..

I guess we feel we can not buy baccy though and that is very significant. That sense that we needed you, that we need social contact and contract, genuine acceptance, appreciation and love and if we just stay clinging to life long enough you will come and help us just isn’t there like it used to be.

We’ve made jokes and glib comments about Resident Evil during ops. Its not me thats a weaponised mutated creation of imperial nation state coperate capitalism, but you are. We are nature finding a way through all the dehumanisation. 

April 06, 2019

Well nicotine..

We never wanted you as a crutch, its only when we were wrapped around cannabis that we loved you but still you have been there when we had nothing and no one and you were something. You have been comfort.

Our addiction to you was often compulsory, a sign of who we were meant to and to help keep as a part of a group of people we could never genuinely believe were a family even when we couldn't remember why. You were a link between us, something in common a shared symbol of the absence of self care skills, of living hand to mouth and never expecting or hoping for more. Not only does your smell and taste represent having no where run to, of losing the fight against rapists, of giving in to ignorance because refusing to made the violence unsurvivable but you also trigger the pain and hopelessness of being a child that wasn't and would never be safe or nurtured and the guilt of caring for children that cant be kept safe and being unable to nurture to the extent they need and deserve.

We have no friends or family that will support us but also no friends or family that will share you with us or use you in front of us when we are beginning to imagine a life that isn't punctuated and framed by you. We are not a place that excludes hope and health. Of course none of that means that cold turkey so we can eat an effective way of dealing with an addiction. Thoughts like "well we are weepy and irritable most of the time anyway might as well make some long term benefit from it" are not healthy or helpful, its just our cynical overdeveloped skills in finding something shiny deep in all the shit.

We have our bloody mindedness and awareness of mediation and mindfulness and the goodness that will be between ourself and what we are forced into that will hopefully get us through the worst and stop us from buying when there is some money there again.

Still its not fair though. We hate how much discomfort we experience and knowing that in our case anyway its not accidental makes it worse. Maybe we are just embracing suffering because that's is all we have known for so long.. But we have tried nicotine replacement in the past and we just felt like we might as well just smoke.

It will be a about a week and a half before there would be enough cash there to buy more as we are not going to attempt to feed and water ourself and the giant not at school young man for a week on a tenner that would be left over if we bought baccy on Tuesday. We have located where the nearest food bank is and it isn't far.

Just need a spliff though, with the baccy so mild it wasn't addictive. Or of we cant have that, more fags.

Hate physical addictions..

April 04, 2019

*heavy sighs and tears and internal fury*

Missed a couple of pill days over the weekend so pain has been nasty, knees bad too but our hands have been okish! Mood isn't. Democrats trying to "negotiate" with Barr.. Trump appointees and supporters don't give a fuck about America or the law, or standards procedures unless they further their fascist interests. That's why they are appointees. Have always found the tolerance moderates have for the disgusting partisan manipulate and obscure techniques of others just awful. It's impossible to have hope and faith in people once you see them giving bigoted slaughtering anti human thugs the benefit of the doubt when there is no fucking doubt.

The massive reduction in income and increase in outgoings caused by Universal Credit is really gotten us down to. Its the spring holidays next week and we have nothing. Not enough food never mind cash for anything else. There is no way we can give the council tax what they say we need to give the when we are losing 90 a month, mostly for the advance. To do that to people who are being moved from the previous system to the new one is particulary awful. Haven't heard if they have even received our request for mandatory reconsideration yet. And the lad, he just keeps needing stuff, the formal uniform expectations is not helping.

Not that we can regret the move of course anymore the we could moving to Dundee any away from seeing Bill every fucking day, of regularly seeing Lynne, etc no matter how much violence and abuse, hunger or how close both we and Pablo were to death in Dundee. At least the abuse wasn't coming from people who lived under the same roof as me and pabs or from people allowed to come and go as they please and do whatever they could to me and pabs.

Putting distance between yourself and horror that exists domestically, across communities and institutions is not cheap nor is it easy or even possible to find people to support you in moving on or we would of done it long before and would not been forced, dragged, rolled on a stretcher while unconscious back.

Got a little relief last week. Prayed on some drunken holiday makers and got a spliff worse in return. Instantly started remembering non horror, can't get in touch with those feelings now though. Particulary as we got a call from school, thankfully not saying the some little shits had told some nasty little shit that Pablo had been saying something about the mother of the nasty one when of course he hadn't but resulted in what the school described as Pablo being hit in the stomach and what Pablo described as being "beat up" like the last time they called. This time is was to say that some kids had been saying that my tall stocky pubescent spectrum eleven year old kid that ran to school so he wouldn't be late was smelly..

We will make more effort in getting him to use deodorant and wash his armpits on the day between showers and I'm sure that he will face any kind of harassment ever again...

Missed his appointment for the ASD again. This time because of sleeping in but also because a taxi driver dropped us off at the wrong place in the freezing rain. We had taxi back after a woman from a nursery took us in out the rain. So last tenner went on taxis that achieved nothing. Get a whole twenty next Tuesday though! And the UC at the end of the week. I think too scared to check dates incase its the start of the week after that. Still haven't phoned about the forms so we can get help with dentist and can't see shop shelves properly eyes, don't think we have reciptes for all the supports we have bought but might get help with getting some that help or new ones for our hands. If we could just settle our mood enough to call, negotiate whatever automated system they are probs using and handle the being kept on hold and the actual speaking...

We remember us fighting and it cheers us up but doesn't take away the longing for hugs and words from real family.