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Showing posts from April, 2019
Feeling really awful Zo. We knew we would and it doesnt help. We knew the script, we knew power struggles, we knew we wouldn’t be able to not get pregnant with Pablo, we knew we would end up in Dundee, we knew we knew Dundee would not be survivable unless someone helped us, we knew you couldn’t let us die and we knew whoever helped us would not be allowed to survive. What fucking conversations for two teenage girls to have had. A tad more extreme experiences than your average bullied high IQ queers. When you loudly announced to those pricks that were giving you crap in the cafeteria that you were gay. Marvellous. When you walloped Lynne for being a sick bitch, the way you kissed me on the forehead as we walked into the community centre with our arms round each other after. Wonderful.

Why is it I need live again? Its not just a general desire to live we know that, a general love of live is exactly what makes surving severe oppression and enslavement impossible.

“Just wait. You will se…

Whose still alive? Anyone know?

“So is the DID still something that effects you?”

Here we are again explaining the effects of trauma on a developing human brain to someone’s whose job is mental health. Been there so many times feeling dirty and stupid because we reached out for support we need. Its a programmed self harm habit and we try and persuade ourself its more that than but is it?

When she talked about 2010 being a long time ago and there being much more awareness about trafficking now we were already gone. Didnt bother trying to explain that DID isnt a diagnosis in the NHS or that there wasnt any understanding being shown by the hospital staff three years ago when the support received was weekly sessions surrounded by doctors and nurses being asked, “What do you mean by trafficking?” Again and again.

Her supervisors have told her to refer me back to psychiatry so that is what she was going to do. Wished she had told me that before putting me through an excruciating risk assessment but they have dont they, b…

"That's the life."

Indeed.

Taste of what the summer months will be like today. So many smiles and comments from passing locals and holiday makers. Love it. Seriously. Doesn't feel quite so much like drinking alone when you can't to end of a paragraph in the book your reading without friendly people saying friendly things. Cant wait til our flowers are all out and start getting comments about that to.

Used last years factor twenty but still got a bit pink around a shoulder strap. Not too bad though, our face can't really burn in northern Europe in April but we used the lotion anyway and as always feel a little more in our skin when our skin is exposed to sunlight.

It wasn't the wine. Wasn't the stroppy pubescent or the crazy sore knees but they helped. It was the end to the break we have had in vivid dreaming and horrible hangovers from them that made us decide we were not ready to keep going through the nicotine cravings. We dont feel too disappointed in ourself. Jeez it doesn't…

Alright Friday

Crazy beautiful weather today and tomorrow for a spring bank holiday. We loving it, wishing we had people to love it with us, getting sad dude not wanting to go to beech and coz we got no weed then remembering how it used to feel being us and being so glad those people don't have us anymore like they used to.

Knees and hands sore but been quite active in garden and forced the lad to walk a bit today so no wonder. Yesterday we got lots of the nettles out the garden, some have been there so long the roots like trees. Garden waste bin is full already and wont be picked up for weeks and that's a shame. The monster wild shrub is still there to but think we can probably get most of it out eventually. Wish we had chainsaw to get rid of prickly tree, its all weird looking and causes shade and jaggy mess. Maybe next year.

Someone put loads of stones in for a border edging and we neatened it out a week or so ago. Weeded the border and made the stones make a wavy line. Today we turned i…

The worst is past.

Not that its going to be smooth sailing from here on but we have not spent so much of today thinking about it or on pointless searches in the house for something to smoke. Did the nasty yesterday.. went out in the street to see if we could find anything, it was quiet, no one around we found a little and were going to look for more when we heard a door close. A neighbor from a few doors down had stepped out to vape. He normally goes out the back!! We have smelt the cherry flavoured pumes. We skuttled back to our door where he couldn’t see us and hoovered a bit like we had some reason to be there. Hes younger and not as chatty as most of the retired folk, there is definitely one or two who would of just asked what we were doing and that would of been mortifying. We would of had to lie, unprepared and badly.

With a clean skin and filter we had less than half a fag but it helped. As we have been writing in another symptom diary that might actually be looked at this time, pelvic and knee …

Wahay! Sanitary products and tinned food!

So thankful that food banks exist, that there is one within walking distance and we are not so mentally ill that we can actually go there, talk to them and ask. Wasn’t easy getting it all home though  which has of course pissed off my hands and wrists. Knees were already damn sore. Gardening and walk to the beach yesterday. Shame he is not an age that can appreciate how wonderful it is to be able to walk all the way home from the beach with no shoes. We were not paddling it was freezing but we still could feel how utterly perfect that is.

Were given a load of bladder weakness stuff to, we did say we would be okay on Tuesday but glad we have them. Disposable knickers will come in handy if we run out of clean pants or during a cold.. Just to be given toilet roll and uht milk though.. considerably reduced our misery levels which are damn high anyway what with multiple sources of chronic pain and nicotine cravings and countined cannabislessness. Glad we went for the walk though even if i…

Disengage

Definitely at the "fuck this and fuck everything else" stage of nicotine withdrawal. Been keeping ourself distracted as best we could, with the garden, the odd walk, repeatedly dying during the dlc and the even tougher difficulty level that unlocks after completing Resident Evil.

Was an email telling me to log into my universal account, always makes us queasy, bad news? Just letting us know they received the request for mandatory reconsideration? Nope same message we have seen several times saying universal credit "effects" i.e stops lots of other benefits. It's kind of aggravated us as things do, like seeing Assanage even if he is being arrested, hearing Barr continue the Republican habit of pissing all over the rule and the spirit of the law. He's attorney fucking general Nance you need to start doing your jobs and start the impeachment process, stop tolerating this lunacy. People matter. The truth matters. Party politics - not so much.

The whole not wan…

Was glad of the fog but glad it lifted to.

That hand to mouth existence we mentioned. It keeps you in the present, keeps you focused on the next craving and keeps your head far away from the bigger picture. Its scaring us the thought of having to some how face all our own the incalculable loss. Parts of us, parts of other people, the life and existence of other people.. So much was taken, deliberately, calculated and planned in great detail in order to maximise the damage, never accidents always crimes involving many privileged peoples against an isolated child or children, or the vulnerable "adults" we became. How do you deal with the death of a loved one without naming them, remembering specifics about their life and death?

You can't..

Back in Glenrothes we were heading back to the house one night. We hadn't been out long of course when a group of them saw us walking painfully said something about is being "got at".

We sighed an hobbled on and explained no one had touched us we were limping and w…

You cant do what you are doing and care about anyone or anything.

Admittedly we did some very unhealthy recycling today. Reminded ourself of how cool it would be to only smoke one or two a day. We dont have the will power for that when alone, not very active and having bad issues with mood and pain.

Very confident we wont be buying baccy tomorrow with the whole £20 child benefit. It will be another week before we get another twenty and a few more days after that before we see money that would not be an immediate choice between eating or fags. Cant see us going back after that time. It feels real this time.

 Got a letter about council tax, should of held on before giving them as much as we did as the instalments they are now asking for are actually doable.

Been watching and reading too much US news. Its like if Savile was alive and had been made PM, or Ferris or some other evil cunt from the worst of the music scenes. Their fucking faces, their voices everywhere. Revolting.

Saw a actress has pleaded guilty to sex trafficking and related crimes. That…

Day 1

Yesterday doesnt count because of the recycling and coz when we went to the shop with our last £2 for milk and juice we found a forgotten about roll up in our pink hoodie pocket. Its not like previous times when it felt like we could do it, you know if things were different, but they werent and we were doing everything we could. Knowing that of course if things were different we would not be in a place where people we knew encouraged us to smoke and having nothing else to comfort us between incidents of horror.

Harsh though. The patches of irritability and weepiness we usually have are suddener and sharper. It would be a lot worse if not for the codiene. Resident Evil 7 has been a good distraction we bought it a  couple of weeks ago before we realised we cant afford it. Been playing with and without the lad. Hes pretty good, we panic gaming in ways we dont do in real life and have had to relay on Pablo to get us through fights on the madhouse save We started after finally getting to …

Well nicotine..

We never wanted you as a crutch, its only when we were wrapped around cannabis that we loved you but still you have been there when we had nothing and no one and you were something. You have been comfort.

Our addiction to you was often compulsory, a sign of who we were meant to and to help keep as a part of a group of people we could never genuinely believe were a family even when we couldn't remember why. You were a link between us, something in common a shared symbol of the absence of self care skills, of living hand to mouth and never expecting or hoping for more. Not only does your smell and taste represent having no where run to, of losing the fight against rapists, of giving in to ignorance because refusing to made the violence unsurvivable but you also trigger the pain and hopelessness of being a child that wasn't and would never be safe or nurtured and the guilt of caring for children that cant be kept safe and being unable to nurture to the extent they need and deser…

*heavy sighs and tears and internal fury*

Missed a couple of pill days over the weekend so pain has been nasty, knees bad too but our hands have been okish! Mood isn't. Democrats trying to "negotiate" with Barr.. Trump appointees and supporters don't give a fuck about America or the law, or standards procedures unless they further their fascist interests. That's why they are appointees. Have always found the tolerance moderates have for the disgusting partisan manipulate and obscure techniques of others just awful. It's impossible to have hope and faith in people once you see them giving bigoted slaughtering anti human thugs the benefit of the doubt when there is no fucking doubt.

The massive reduction in income and increase in outgoings caused by Universal Credit is really gotten us down to. Its the spring holidays next week and we have nothing. Not enough food never mind cash for anything else. There is no way we can give the council tax what they say we need to give the when we are losing 90 a mo…