November 30, 2018

Friday

Can see our window now and found out the hot bath tap has a blue circle and cold has a red.. Really loving it still and not just cause we think we should but genuinely feeling at home and glad to be where we are. Haven't had any abuse either, actually one of the neighbours gave me a lighter coz we couldn't find any that worked independently. Never made the school meeting today, one of those over ambitious appointments. Its Friday, the last day in November. We fucking made it Daddy. Brought way too much furniture and decor but we are here and glad, and not just focusing on things that should be positive but arent because there is so much active and committed hate surrounding us.

Wrapped his playmobile advent calendar, saw how many Xmas presents were in the box and was so glad we made a good start. Local not wee shop sells micro pasta very handy until we can get a cooker, still no word on the deposit. The landlord was a grippy bastard who seemed to have no concept of life without privilege, cash and support networks. He did say he would take all the circumstances into consideration though. We gave 280 to house clearance and 380 to removals and did as best we could. Expecting us to redecorate and empty and clean the place with out help or much funds while ill/disabled is seriously unreasonable.

Bought wine to tonight. Glad we did to. Next week we gotta make a start on finding out what will happen with the universal credit. Don't want to do a thing until after the DLA is in though. We need proper meals and that requires an actual cooker. And energy that hasn't been used up moving big heavy furniture around and cash that hasn't gone to clearance, rent, removals and the deposit or weed that is twice as expensive as it should be.

We will get there. Will be able to put up Xmas decor and put on our winterfest Spotify list. Lovely.

Miss you, need you, good luck.

Rosie
Xxx


November 29, 2018

He's not us, he's been through a lot less

Still we feel like its us starting a new school. Brings back the lonilness, coldness and unpredictability of home and the coldness and expectations and noise of school and being very young and having nowhere safe or comfortable to be. That is not Pablo's situation.

Was about five I think before we got to sleep last night and the engineer woke us up at nine again coz vodaphone sent him back because they knew we still didn't have internet. Very good not having to chase it up ourselves. Wasn't the dudes fault though it was the router but its all fixed and superfast now. The weepiness returned in the evening and got worse when we couldn't find the sleepers we were pretty sure we had. Found in a drawer in the living room because the drawer had been at our bedside before we moved. Mircoed some bacon and hot chocolate. Hopefully will mean a bit less heartburn.

The better than nothing pills are kicking in, would so much rather not habe them and have decent weed instead, so we could sit in our nook at the top of the back steps looking up at the stars. When not underfed and over tired we are happy to be here,  it would be so wonderful with weed, just heavenly and we could do with a little patch of feeling heavenly to recharge our batteries. Really want to at least make a start in here. Kind of have to because his advent calendar is at the bottom of a huge box. But need to see out window to.

Character

See.. Gorgeous.

Had a go at the kitchen today.. Its really really small gonna take a while and a fair bit of creativity to work it. But also of course a hell of a lot easier to keep clean. Dude's room is pretty excellent he's dead chuffed especially as we sorted it out enough for so it can be walked around in, computer set up and stuff.

Gutted about the balcony planters and the pink clematis..

Ventured out to the nearest shop for micro food and munchies it's huge, cheap and sells absolutely everything. Very handy a hell of a lot better than wee shops and their prices. Back in bed now though. Damn sore. The no cooker diet will not be helping. Haven't heard anything about the deposit yet but think we gotta just do it next week and order one which is gonna give us even less space. Our pretty metal microwave holder thing with the flowers on it is in the place where the cooker would go and there is no where else to put it. Kind of a shame.

Checking out the school tomorrow. And we gotta make a start on this..
:-/



here

So we’re here then... ten to five but it feels, sounds  and looks like 2145
Quite tired. Glad i left that daft wee bit, pulled one of our chairs up the backs and it helped keep me out the wind. So glad, so stressful and lots more exhausting ness to go but so glad.
We are somewhere where we dont really want to not be. This morning feels so long ago. We handled it, we arranged it, we waited on hold for the dwp to answer to find out where our esa was while packing. We hear the chuch bells. Wish we hadnt had to do it all on own it takes so much from uou, havinh to do everything on your own. Wind is fairly whistling not sure how bad it is or how much  its just a whistley place...

We both crashed out about 6pm i of course woke up again about 2 hours later, hes still sound. Was pretty cynical about wether or not the milk was packed and if i could find it. Oh the joys of discovering it in a bin. Very serious joy.

Gonna be surving on micro meals for a while has we cant afford a cooker yet. Dont know where the hell we are going to put the microwave.. or the kettle when we do get one anyway its that tiny a kitchen. Dont care much though, so glad to be somewhere with character. We were right about the dresser and the fireplace tiles looking wonderful together. Its all pretty wonderful. But there is so much to do, other than buying food our priorities tomorrow are phoning lecky company, setting up xbox, phoning back school and probably a fair bit of standing in the kitchen not knowing what the fuck to do with it. Put stuff in drawers. We can handle that..

Lot of stuff got left coz of having to leave the guys to catch a train that was an hour late anyway. My friggin mirror, its not really needed but bugging because we bought it. Loads of garden stuff, like all the planters bar one. And my house plants, the succulent i got in Glasgow, Laura’s peace lilly and a spider plant. :-( Fair bit of mess left. Landlord asked if we managed to redecorate..

We are so chuffed even though we have too way too much to do.

Wednesday 0109

Very little got done today. Obviously. Perfect misrable weather outside for the day after a flit when your too knackered to do a damn thing anyway. Thank fuck we found that milk, ill at the thought of having to go outside and negotiate people and unfamiliar shops. Familiar ones are bad enough. Fair bit of sleeping. Answering the door for deliveries, not so wise ordering non essentials but it made us feel better. Engineer for the broadband but it still isn’t working.   Thinking tomorrow we will be a bit more up for getting a few things done. Dude was in charge of packing tech and there is no sign of the power cables for the xbox or one or the Wii. They may turn up or maybe not and we will have to buy some and not just for him either its very close to xmas movie time. Im gonna have to find his advent calendar.

Was really wanting to show you the art deco plates on the doors but it will have to wait until there is broadband. They are very pretty. There is coving to, not fancy stuff but still love it. No probs with the storage heaters so far all nice and cozy.

After delivery food and the wine we got for first night but only had a glass of, sitting outside at the top of our stairs out the wind, smoking the last of the twiggy weed, there is enough room for one of our chairs which is pretty cool.  Didnt want to going out into the street in our jammies to smoke in any weather. Anyway we crashed out on the couch, lad tried to keep us awake he was playing and wanted our involvement but it wasn’t happening so he brought us a pillow instead. Hes a darling. Fucking nightmates though.. sweat levels got us to try out the shower and look for clean jammies both successful..

Been quite sore but the painkillers are helping and adding to number of smiles and happy sighs. Asthma is pretty bad as well probs with all the moving dust. Dude has a sore spot in his mouth, i used to get them as a kid. Will try remember to get him some bonjella tomorrow. Theres been littles around we didn’t expect to be so forward so quickly. It was and is cool but has helped us remember how seriously important it is for us to pace ourself and not focus on stuff we haven’t done yet but think we should or all the benefit stress. Its okay to feel okay.. thats gonna take some getting used to not that i need to worry about that at the moment when there is so much that needs doin.


Monday

Not bad not bad. Just little bits and pieces and rubbish left. There will indeed be just enough for us really make our new smoking area feel like home. Had one earlier on to. It helped us stop feeling like there was too much do we have to do it all but we’re too tired to do any of it. We cant leave it spotless, it’s too big and im too little. Lad been doing not bad. No way we could of handled all of those trips to the charity shop. No way. Think he has given them my trainers by accident though thankfully i have other heavier walking type shoes coz i dont fancy wearing heels.

Worst bit physically was taking a box up to the post office for up the road. With lots of books in it. Few of Lauras things, photos and stuff. Seriously back hurting but great to not have so much of her stuff knowing the kids don’t have much and knowing no one else is going to do anything about it. Really glad we opened that tin of creamy coloured garden paint and freshened up a few of fancy decor for the kids and us. Glad i stop myself from doing more of it to.

Lads are gonna be round really early tomorrow. I will hand in the keys and we will get the direct train, one way.

Took two zoplicone early but both of us were awake and active early, 8 am and if stay i stay awake i will start doing some shit when we need to be resting. Rain is belting outside, we had a deep hot bath. Its so nice to be physically comfortable and not be horribly stressed. So glad we are leaving here. Wish we had some help.


Sunday 2314

Yeah so thanks Zoplicone but we dont have a problem falling asleep at 7am and waking up a 4pm. That's already something we mastered. There's a couple of things we wish got round to today but it is okay we will either do them tomorrow or some time after or they wont happen. Kitchen and tidying up garden are main jobs for tomorrow. Bit short on boxes but we can pack gardening stuff inside planters, should give us enough space for kitchen stuff. Its mostly done. Would be good if we could send the some of the donations and their stuff at the road to tomorrow but might not manage.

So gonna be leaving early and leave the guys to it on flitting us, our kettle, milk, tea, slippers and favourite jumper gotta get out early and get the direct train.

Damn it we keeping that last but of twig with a spliff and half on it till we move. So none tomorrow, like usual. We can do this, we will be crazyhappy. Got our bottle for that first night, clean jammies and some of pabs essentials and a ready meal for the first night/morning. Not sure if we can keep the greenage.. Damn a decent q wouldn't of been an issue, txted the guy he just txted back he knew. Bugging but glad its just really bugging and a bit upsetting and not a bit more "oh great so won't be able to sleep, eat, think, feel, speak, self care, look after son, keep kitchen clean or stop crying or have any quality of life for an unknown amount of time" like running out has meant in past..


November 25, 2018

Just ticking those lists of like its one of our huge, trans global military ops

Quite nervous of taking the sleepers. We don't feel at all familiar with what this particular one will do to our system. We are very familiar with how we will feel if we dont get plenty sleep and have to tonnes of shit to do.

Glad the lad is sleeping at night again. Two nights in a row hes been crashed before 10 pm. Good stuff cause he's going be pulling his weight tomorrow. Well maybe not his whole weight he's only eleven and his next shoes are going to be size 10 or above... Gonna have to kit him out for new school.. Gonna have to find out at least one aspect of the benefit change over and us in a bit more concrete way. Its a definite source of a lot of health fucking up anxiety not knowing. Also know we wont get far and will cry if we can't figure out exactly what we need to know and how to ask it before hand.

We've done well but we have known at various stages we had no option but to push ourselves and past the point where we knew we were gonna manage comfortably, not need days to recover, feel awful, over worry then be too anxious to plan properly, then get iller .. But there wasn't any other way and its not long now until there will so much less things that must be done and more things we can easily manage and enjoy.

Am actually quite organised and calm about the move. That little bit at time for over a month or so really is a much better way to do it. Who knew? Lol. So much pride at all the big and little, light and heavy steps over the years its taken to clear out the cupboards, see the huge pile of broken furniture and other stuff from the shed, gone. We get a real sense of so many easy little, creative and fun, physically exhausting but rewarding or just really really  painful steps there has been with the house and it's contents over all the years.

Wish meds weren't such and issue we wouldn't get so bad and not snow balling and everything worsening.

Should probs give the meds a chance and by not sittin up writing, battery is low : ( Still nervous about pills but also don't want to happily burn through weed in a few hours that could do us days if we can only smoke outside and have loads to do. In a new smaller pretty smoking area, glass of wine and a pair of gloves most likely.. Saying hi and maybe a neighbourly chat if any of the neighbours pass by. They are unlikely to be out long in November December and neither am I :-) Weed its awfully woody - sticky in bad way as I'm probs gonna end up with a gram or so of teeny tiny kindling and would of preferred something a gram of something actually smokeable, it would go lone way..

Nothing major uncomfortable unpredictable or extreme reactions so far. One more small cannabis cig then we have a go a letting go, there be lots of energy to play on the silly games and drink tea when we first wake up, no need to instantly such doing anything else, except order/encourage/blackmail/bribe the pubescent, maybe put washing loads in or out, Maybe the little arty jobs to start with later, good pile of bubbll wrap and tape for canvas prints, should be cool knowing they will make the journey.

Glad we spent a little so we would have nice parcels arriving in the days after arriving. Even if we won't have a cooker.. Still paranoid about benefits not going in but not as much has the clearance is paid for as well as first months rent.

Okay I'm gonna let go know and try relax. Sent an email so it would be there in the morning when we sleep in. Gonna brush teeth, take inhaler.. And let go maybe with some Spotify chill stuff. We can do this.. Sleep is essential, we see our brain more and that's cool..


November 24, 2018

Friday and Saturday

Kinda thought I would be less exhausted, emotional, weepy and more motivated today.. Not so. Dudes took a full van load to the tip. Couple of things we forgot about but they probs wouldn't of fitted in anyway. Guess seeing Laura's stuff being taken away impacted us more than expected. Got a good few days to sort out what's left thank fuck because we are knackered. Didn't have much to do to prepare for the recycling dudes but it still took its toll. Have even unblocked another bloke in an attempt to temporarily unburn a bridge. Probs pointless but definitely won't get if we don't ask and small amount of diazepam isn't gonna get us out if this state.

...

Well its not sooper dooper but I haven't smoked any it two to three months thats  not a big deal its still wondrous. And we would be puking as we've had two glasses of wine when it turned up anyway if it was truly stupendous instead of taking down decor and lovingly wrapping it.

A van load gone today. Very full van. Not sure if we had remembered about the seriously busted large desk chair it would of fitted in anyway. Wasn't much that would interest anyone but there was a couple of things that we were glad seemed to spark his curiosity as well causing some wincing and looking the other way but we were glad they were going to someone who appreciated them. The old dresser being one. Unfortuntly we can not get fancy handles for it and post it up the road we cant afford that in time or money. Big thing though. All the stuff going, the cats going, going through everything in the house, having the dreams and health we have. All big stuff. And then there is always constant stuff going on as well as the lots of other big stuff. The actual day of the flit, the getting a cooker, sorting out school and docs I am very glad we got this weed. We needed a stress break we can stop physically active and rest that way but we struggle to find the equivalent with our internal world.

Some of decor is down, waiting to be wrapped or is in box already. Actually quite likeing only having a nice thing here and there, instead of quite a few bits and pieces. Gonna be some agonising decisions about decor after Christmas. Been staring at all extra space, the bearer walls and wishing a bit more like this before but it evolving from Laura's to ours was unavoidable. If a bit creepy at times, the wondering how much difference would it taken for that to have worked, us living together without and of the other adults.

Then we remember how it felt whenever we saw her stagger and wooble through the door or down the street and how horrible people treated her when she was like that, not just angry but horrible, verbally and physically abusive and how we knew we couldn't protect her from much of it and how devastating it already felt just seeing her that way..

 Couldn't let go of any picture canvases. And the honeysuckle was dead has returned. Think we will go for tidying over clearing. We have really got a lot done over the past two months we are proud.
..
Saturday 1014

Finally got to make decisions about what to keep, donate, chuck while stoned. Yeah. Big roll of some kind of thick paper in the cupboard in our room and used some of that to start wrapping up upstairs stuff. Been layering them with plushys. Bubble wrap arrived yesterday when the clearance dudes were here. They handed it in for us and we couldn't remember the word "bubble wrap" so tailed off when we starting to say "Oh that's ma .." So Christ nows what they think it might be. The main dude was pretty cool, dead chatty but in a way that was disarming and not a stress. He joked about being a collector/hoarder and seemed to like folk and stuff and think it was his company and was doing okay he had other guys out in vans to.

We told him we were moving into a two bedroom flat and made jokes about not being remotely tempted by down sizes even his kids were out or would be out soon. Hardest bit was the rucksack and couple of camping pieces and a few of Laura's tools at the back of kitchen cupboard. It mattered then most of all that he wasnt a dick and he absolutely wasn't. Actually talked about how hard it is the deal with a deceased close family members stuff from experience. Its tough. So glad we wisely chose to not book the clearance a day or two before the flit.

We are better at knowing what physically is a really bad idea and what we might manage better as long we rest as much as possible and don't just eat rubbish or nothing, etc, get decent sleep or of not that as many short patches as possible, we manage to keep our emotional state from dipping and can keep our anxiety out of really uncomfortable places too much. It's last one we get wrong the most these days, we can think "oh that was/will be physically work we better not plan anything and plan ahead" better, or at least sometimes but we still feel quite blind to how physically exhausting all these strong feelings and fears and memories and triggers are.

But yeah the clearance dudes made it as least painful as possible,  the older guy and his younger dude made it as much of a laugh as it could be.

Obviously got as little as possible planned for the day. There is the last time we can actually just mostly lie in bed and smoke weed. Occasionally washing a dish or two or putting a load in, engaging with superboy cause we are not stinking up that new place when its a short term lease and we love it and can't be moving again in 6 months that's like 3 weeks in mental health patient time.

Will have a fair bit of our garden stuff, including table, chair. So we got a smoking area and it's gonna be to fucking cold and too much to do inside too be lounging for a long while. But it will be there. I am quite looking forward to taking pics of a new place with the Xmas decorations up.  Can figure out what to do with the non Xmas decor after Christmas. We are gonna frickin love it.

1354

Think coz it will hopefully be nice for them, mean I have less stuff I will clean up some of Laura and my nicer decorative stuff and post them to the kids. As gonna be December its gonna have to include some non hand me down stuff that reminds them of people that gone. Guess it makes us feel better about not be able to be there for them as much as they need. A box of books, toys, DVDs and some new stuff is not nothing particulary in December. Will makes sure Pabs gets involved to.


2012

Gave some of the metal candle holder hearts and butterflies a clean and coat of garden paint. Made a pile of decor and books for the kids. Also made an list in Amazon stuff we would like to get for them and stocking fillers for Pabs, a new table, looked at cookers. Decided we didn't want to spend too much the moving day was paid for and ended up buying some of pabs Xmas and me new home shabby chic. Next things need to be physical essentials though, like a cooker. And a table to eat at.

Gonna go back to lists now, just briefly.. Helps keep us out of to stressed to read, think or move states if we do a little planning and ticking off list entries when chilled.







November 23, 2018

Thanksgiving

Haven’t tried the zopolpcone yet, havent need to been sleeping lots just with the diazepam, not all night but hours and hours here and there. Not the only one who crashed out after tea today when we woke we shouted down to the lad to help with sorting stuff for the recycling dudes got no answer and found him asleep in his school polo shirt. Really glad it’s harder to relax when its crazy late on a school night and you hear your son chatting away to himself. Not sure if he has truly mastered the fake sleep or if he has started whistling in his sleep. Pretty sure he can’t whistle when he’s awake but maybe hes learned at school. Hope he is a bit more use after a good nights sleep. Been a fair bit of huffy and puffing whenever we ask him to do the slightest thing and there is a fair bit to do especially in his room.

Personally got a fair bit done in the morning after waking up really early. Two boxes of broken or unwanted kitchen stuff. Fabulously garish xmas treat bowl found. Bloody knew it was somewhere, grubby but intact. Some mental planning over how we are gonna pack and clean kitchen, put a bunch of useless tech together. Its so fucking nice being able to take our time, still getting stressed but less stressed about being stressed because so much is done and enough time to do it. Moving somewhere we want to go to helps aswell of course. Dont think we have ever had a move like that before, its even more stressful and exhausting moving from somewhere we dont want to be, have experienced a fair bit of hell in to somewhere else we dont want to be and know we will experience more hell. Not that there definitely wont be any hell or attempts at hell its just not as certain as before and we are not just saying that to keep ourself as calm and positive as possible even our most cynical aspects don’t have a difficulty acknowledging that there is no way it could be as bad as here or living with slaver controled family.

Hope we can get money sorted not just for rent and xmas but because we need a word processor with an actual keyboard that we can use as its charging. Typing this on ickle phone so there is enough battery on the tablet to use after midnight gifts in silly hidden object games.

Got contact about possible support after the move thanks to the more sleeps and diazepam it didn’t produce profuse weeping, just a little extra emotionalness..

Know we said we should avoid the unrelenting awfulness of internet news but if we did we would of missed, “Missionary claims Jesus loves you before dying in rain of arrows” type healines how they know he said that we dont know and we feel for family but still amongst all the farting and fasc it fairly give us a chuckle. Brought up old fantasy/story/weird shit that happened for us, injured in a bought think not long after one of our bad cuts and we had various other bruising and sprains as well. We feel asleep on our little escape boat and woke up with a little kid giving us water. We fucking paniced when we came round when we saw the drinking vessel, the lack of apparel on the bairn and ripped a bit of clothing soaked it in sea water and tied it round our nose and mouth. The kid pointed at it and said something. We pointed to our skin and motioned to far away then pretended to sneeze then pointed at the kid and motioned to towards the island forestry, sneezed again and did an impression of being did. We encouraged the kid to keep their distance and wash there hands with sea water. Not sure if the kid got it but they chatted away and washed a bit we just sat in boat and listened to the chatter. When we saw various figures come out the tree line we went a bit cold thinking we may be about to die. They seemed relieved to see the mask and a bit concerned when we tried to push our busted boat with our busted up body. We gruffed told to sit our arse on the sand while they fixed it up a bit. We kept indicating that they keep washing in the sea water and wouldn’t let any of them near me unless the cover their nose and mouth. The kid seemed to be doing a good job explaing. A women eyes up our injuries went into forest came back with a leaf mask and wrapped up some of injuries, think there was some kind of ointment and a splint to.

With us and the boat in better shape they indicated we just keep the water bottle, they pushed us out and off we headed back to ugly brutal heartless civilisation trying not to feel like we would rather they just killed us rather than go back to abuse and enslavement. Also very grateful for the beautiful experience though.

November 21, 2018

Instant tears when we calmly attempted to read up on universal credit, PIP. We are stuck in bed in pain and wanted to do something to prepare for after the move but like before it doesn't work we just get in a state. Think I may have found an advocacy charity and I think one of the first thing to do is maybe see if I can speak to adult social work to help us figure out what we need to do about benefits, ect because we really really  need to not get iller.

Email to possible support & info sent, school application sent to but not sure if its the right form having same issues, formal language a real struggle and we cant concentrate, then start getting really upset because we need to be able to do this shit. Still rested a fair bit today lad was awake when we woke up about 6 am and might of been up all night. We let him sleep after that, partly because he was crazy hot last night and partly because we were crumbling at thought of the adult tasks required to get child up, ready and out the door for school. Its his last week though he gotta go in tomorrow and Friday.

Doc was quite nice saw different one than last time, we kinda need them to be nice after however long we have spent in the waiting room means we are a wreck by the time we are called. She gave a short course of sleepers and more diazepam when it hadsnt been three months since the last lot! Good because we cant be mostly resting tomorrow we gotta get stuff sorted for the blokes thay are gonna take busted shit to the tip.

We gotta stop freaking out about benefits so hard though wasn’t exactly easy or stress free getting what we get now and the thought of going through it all whilst trying to get head around new area and sort new place out is not pleasant.

Gonna be okay, moving can drive folk with money, support and mental health a bit bonkers. Its just all exaggerated with us.






November 20, 2018

Dont wanna sleep, need to sleep..

Definitely seem to be freaking out a bit less and just being excited more. Neither state is good for sleeping though. Got a call from social housing about a potential offer. Place in Kilmarnock so glad we already got somewhere sorted. We just would of ended up crazy isolated like we are now, doubtful the scenery would be anything like what we are gonna be so close to soon. Would be cheaper and less deposit and they maybe of let us keep the cats and the fleas and maybe isnt a universal credit area also isnt an area where we have ever wanted to live either.

House clearance dudes booked, feels good to know we will be free of so much stuff and that the landlord wont be chasing us to pay for clearing it. Shitty of course we got left with all of Laura and the kids furniture. Will be amazing to be away from all the constant reminders of so much abuse, neglect and heartlessness. Its hasnt really worked trying mourn when so close to so many examples of how her and Margo’s life was made so intentionally awful when all they wanted was normal stuff like love, family,  friends, fun, comfort by people and systems that place no value on those normal human things. Its impossible for us to imagine living to hurt people who have no interest in hurting anyone. To take pride in torturing and killing the vulnerable it just makes no sense to us. It has never stopped surprising us even when its totally predictable and all we know.

Gotta try stay awake and hopefully then we will sleep at night, the dread of the dreams is so bad right now we cant keep our eyes shut for long.

Getting that sore throat, stuffy nose thing we get when we havent had enough sleep. Its only have eight about the time we woke up yesterday and haven’t slept since but we got some stuff done today and got some rough in head plans for tomorrow, had baked tatties and salad for tea, had a shower, took some painkillers, got my hot water bottle and some ovaltine. Comfy, cozy and seriously anxious about what messed up dreams we gotta go through tonight.

Know it was just an excuse but how the fuck is it two faced if you sending a bitchy txt coz your ill then apologise over the phone? We are used to just using the pain killers for the pain now but the fucking dreams. We are never gonna get used to them. They are all horrible. Even good ones are sandwiched between nastiness and grossness and terror and they come back on us when we are awake like somekind of debilitating mental indegestion. Not fair! We never swallowed any of their shit.. 

November 19, 2018

Sleep and then some more sleep

Eventually crashed out about an hour after he left for school and didn't wake up until he came home after three. Ordered food, bought some wine, did some dishes, drank some wine, eat some food, txted the guy not once but twice, got all emotional about the cats, noticed the absence of "delivered" or "read" on the texts thought fuck it its worth ago and used our landline to call him.. He answered said he was busy and would call back later and of course hasn't.

Guess it's not completely impossible that he will get in touch over the next few days but I'm thinking its unlikely. Which is a damn shame cause we would really benefit from some form of cannabis. We fell asleep again after phoning him and woke up about twenty minutes ago. Was thinking we felt a bit better but then we mentioned the cats and yeah we are still crazy emotional about the cats, and damn sore and haven't done anything about the infestation and am all creeped out by all the dreaming.

Tomorrow hopefully will be more productive and that will make us more positive. Really, really wish we could get some cannabis but can't phone any of the others, the mental and emotional health damage would out weigh the benefits and make it an expensive and safety jeopardizing waste of time.


pennies

Checked the bank at about 2am and found the loan was in. Was not expecting it to go in at 2am on a Monday. We sensibly paid our phone bill, ordered nothing but bubble wrap from Amazon and put in a grocery delivery with Asda. Its really sinking in that we are gonna be there, not here. I hope we get something from the doc to help us sleep or just calm the fuck down. Was thinking no way am I unblocking anyone for smokes. Now Im thinking i wish my blood pressure would come down. Maybe will reasse later. It would be so nice and we haven’t had a spliff since August i think.. yep its decided will send a wee txt later on to one of them. Wont be txting anyone else over it and he might just ignore us/have us blocked anyway but its worth ago for some mood stability, a little less weepy a bit more chilled. Health requires we at least give it a shot. May have a better chance of weed from the others but nope cant do it.  They are just too horrible and triggery and the girls will wanna chat like we are pals or some shit and cant be tolerating that at least with the blokes its short and sweet.

Wish we had been able to take pictures when we went in after we signed the lease just so we could stare at them now. We were fucking exhausted and sleep deprived though. There is very little cupboard space, the kitchen is really tiny and their is wood above the windows but not wide enough to fix most curtain brackets to.. thats kinda bugging but there is plates on the doors below the handles and they are decorative.. Storage heaters which is a kind of a bummer but the retired folk downstairs have gas and it helps keep ours cozy to. The agent went in an turned them on the day before we signed the lease and it was pretty cold outside but the place was roasting we went round and turned them all down. Bathroom just has a blowy heater on the wall and it was pretty cold probs wont take long to heat up with it on though.

There is a shower we remembered to check that and just a cheap white shower curtain so we will need to change that. Whole place is painted white but we got tonnes of decor so dont really care about that. The ceilings are pretty high we remember thinking that as we looked up at the iffy lamp shades that will do for now. We are not gonna listen to our impatience and try move the date closer, it will be nice to flit in an organised manner and not when ill and totally traumatised. Its a best for the lad to not change especially as he does have a best pal at his school who is a really good kid and I am sorry to have to break them up and hope they keep in touch.

Sorry about the cats to. Seeing all the cat food in our shopping favourites almost set me off again, looking forward to life without fleas though especially as the place is particularly crawling at the moment, what the fuck are they feeding off? Other than me and the lad of course. Yuck.

There is so much we like about the flat though and its location its no wonder some of our tortured EPs are freaking out. We are not supposed to get what we want and when and if we do the punishment and the down side are severe. Like here and having lots of space, trees out the windows and a south facing garden but Laura died, Margo died and almost everyone is involved in really horrific shit particularly the neighbors who were always pretty central to the drug and people trafficking, child abuse, torture, breeding, slavery and genocide scene here.

Those petrified littles are trying to prepare themselves and the rest of us for how it will feel to be settled in and really begining to adjust and them to turn up shouting and gloating and threatening like they always have. It actually might not happen this time though and if it does our petrified littles will not be on their own with it. We dont think the Krugars would have the same police support as they do here. Its not like we are headed for a big city like Manchester or Leeds or Liverpool. Think those littles are gonna be quite messy for a while though if we get to a place where they can become unstuck. We are not expecting to become any less emotional any time soon after moving. Hope we get a decent doctor and maybe when we get the benefits sorted we will be able to get the odd hot stone massage, find some other freaks to hangout with without it causing more stress and triggers than its worse.

We are so looking forward to seeing old buildings on a regular basis! Being around evidence of long bumpy histories is much better for us than just seeing nothing earlier than late 20th century, we start forgetting and feeling like there isnt any history or culture anywhere and that doesn’t feel nice or hopeful ever.

November 18, 2018

But where’s all the rest?

Dude’s pal at the door eventually got us up after 10 am alarm and some weird call automated call failed. Just wanted to cry. So tired. Switched from stressing about cash to being excited in the small hours. Read some Sophie to try distract us getting that same feeling we always get when learning about Western cultural history, kind of frustrated and alienated feeling. Like we dont recognise any of it, its not out history. We remind outself of how much haa been intentionally or accidentally lost, like the ruins or the stolen and scrubbed Elgin marbles its impossible to get much insight into the real diversity and beauty from whats left. The Greeks painted everything and after so many centuries of bleaching we cant get anywhere near what they once looked like and its the same with the philosophy but its so much more than that to. We feel so alien I guess and all we have is tiny fragments from when we were tiny and with our mother. We can see her lips moving but cant hear the words but there is such a strong sense that she was giving us the answers while she could because as soon as they got a hold of her down here she would be communicating no more.

We are thankfully not a hungry alien as we sold some dvds and stuff and are now snacking and tired but cozy with no pressure to do more.

..

Did a little tidying, just brought a bin liner into our room and put crisps bags and ashtray contents in it, went through a small pile of books that were read or looked at years ago and were mostly disappointing and lainey’s bio of the Foo Fighters bloke which we accepted with no intention of reading, probs wasnt her anyway. Either way he’s a nob and the book is getting charity shopped.

Got past Descartes with Sophie, always a relief he is somewhat splitting. We dont get the logic of most philosophical rationality. The profound arogance of “I think therefore I am.” .. then because I believe my thinking means I definitely exist and I have a long term sense of a perfect being God is also fact.. huh? Spinoza after always helps with the god and nature being the same and after all that Descarting splitting all the oneism is such a relief. His determinism doesnt trigger if we are in a state to be able to read its too natural to be satanic. Its all just brief overviews though, still amazing to be reading chapters again. Not sure if it’s something we would be doing without the move. Not long now  to find out if we did indeed mess up royally or if its okay and we wont have to make panicked calls to local authorities, charities and the DWP to pay for move and food.

Almost feeling calm today after sorting out food, baccy and resting. Need to stop getting too excited though as well as anxious we need sleep, everything is even more too much without sleep.

November 17, 2018

Hunger, generally not helpful.

Got a full tummy and baccy for afters today, tomorrow is looking tricky though. Think there is enough pennies left for bread and got butter yesterday. Nothing left to make meals with though and its unlikely the loan is gonna appear over the weekend. Could sell some DVDs but buses on a Sunday are shit and I think the ones that might be worth selling the Captain Jack box set may have been packed. May have to unpack it. Should still have some of the edible sponge I made with the last egg left for breakfast or lunch rather as both our hours have once again swung back to friggin nocturnal.

Wept with relief when we saw the UC said "case closed" kinda shows the nick we are in and maybe its was seriously premature relief weeping as maybe my other benefits have already stopped along with the loan. Just because we are catastrophicing doesnt mean it hasn't happened... Been some moments of quiet gladness to as well with some concern over how the hell one does Christmas when in between benefit systems we are going to have to speak to someone. We don't want speak to someone someones are cold are scary and might not know or tell the truth anyway.

For now we have tea and cake and baccy and are warm and less sore because the food has us feeling stronger. Best mentally prepare ourself and the lad for town tomorrow though. We are in no state to just go hungry and our lungs are bad enough without bin baccy. It will be worth it when we are out of here and we are not giving ourself too hard a time for spending money on wine to get us to sleep, calm the fuck down or carry outs when couldn't cook. Its just a shame and bastarding unfair shit is like this.

November 16, 2018

"You'll be exhausted..."

Torture programming incidents get mixed up especially if they happened in the same place and within a few months of each other. Don't think many even any of the Dundee ones in our head and body at the moment went for as long or the way they were intended. We keep getting flashes of being frozen on the little couch and some horror middle class male putting on a condom. Times that did go their way will be held back from us and there is nothing to gain from us digging them up. One or two times at least he tried to get pabs  involved and the sight of Pablo's distress, him fighting for us against something so much bigger than him helped rouse us out of whatever was holding us down. Both our heads together could stop what was happening and make sure that that specific male middle class horror bot wouldn't hurt us or anyone else again. Maybe not the first time think the rapist got orders to run and he duly did so. So horrible and we are so scared of everything our body has been through, that our eyes have seen.

It was programming that had us trying to sabotage the move by applying for universal credit early when exhausted and not able to think clearly. It didn't end wholly in their hands though and we have fought to stop it for working before and after the torture that predetermined us filling in the online application and make the appointment for Monday we cant attend. We have left two message on the journal saying we were confused and made a mistake and need to make the claim, provide ID after we have moved and explained we are not physically able to attend the local jobcentre on Monday. It would cripple us emotionally to we caught ourself considering keeping Pabs off school to help and knew even more we can't do this.

It's not just us either trying to stop the institutionalised abuse and as we are long past the place where we protect people and institutions that destroyed us and murdered so many because silencing us was never enough for them. They chose to make sure there was no chance ever not matter how slim of Louise or Julia or Laura or so many others defending themselves and their own, of ever being able to speak even to very deaf ears.

We got out of bed today and got some stuff done, caught up on sleep enough to be able to and to escape the horrible feelings and images. Mostly in the garden the older woman from next door very kindly stopped us from over doing it by walking out into their back garden with a loud fake callous laugh. We skipped back in straight away to glue some wings back on a fairy, very determined to not hear whatever else they had lined up from us to hear.

We need to not make things worse by worrying, can't help it though. If the worst comes to worst the lease is signed the first month paid for, we will find a way. Quite confident we don't bluff, not on issues like this and not over whatever has gone on with us in the past with tech companies, hardware or software issues. We just gotta wait and see. Wish we could of had the house clearance guys round today though. Would of been quite a weight of us if we could of had the rubbish and stuff we don't want anymore cleared but the money isn't there.


November 15, 2018

Stress = Pain = Stress = Pain

So sore. Slept last night but we messed up by putting the new address on the application gonna have to log back in an change it. Got prove who im not appointment though eventually might even go through in time so we dont have to fill out form again. Its all very exhausting and heartbreaking and we just cry so much. Image from dream amongst all the nastiness and abuser family, a leaky roof, water pouring in, not good you would think but we were planting seeds and they needed watering. So very us.

Wish we could handle all the stress and pain better but we clearly can’t. Like we said forever this is worst case scenario but people to wrapped up in not being themselves and believing suits and others with trappings and symbols of power, authority and appropriateness when all evidence shows their fascist slavers and believing them helped them destroy all resistance. Wish we hadnt lost our living Daddy, wish we never felt he was Daddy would hurt so much less. It too late to go back now. Really miss what could of been.

Would of saved myself a lot of grief if i hadnt tried to make things easier on myself by sorting out the application before the move. Now im all freakin coz i made an appointment i cant go to and wont be able to flit if they stop my benefits and the loan that isnt in yet and we only got £10 left. Left a note in the “journal” cant cope with anymore calls anyway. Friggin system is bad enough without fuck ups at user end. Will get to cute little flat. Just gonna be really stressful and painful and exhausting till then and a while after.

:-(

Feel so yuck

Missed out a stage in that title, the cycle includes pain = stress = bad decisions = stress etc

..
I order pizza for the big boy cant go out there, chips to i will be able to eat some of them. Wish loan was in getting so worried it wont come cause started the universal credit application, what if they wont let me not go on Monday. Stupid hurty brain going of and made appointment when would of stopped and calm down if wasnt all over tired and in so much soreness. Worried about paying rent and worried about benefits stopping so we cant pay removals. Pabs says dont worry it will be fine and  gives us his favourite blanket cause we cold. Hes such a good boy. Wish we werent so squished and little for him and us. Hope we make better decisions tomorrow and our work capability form got in.  It should of. We maybe try phone if we can to say we cant do Monday if we dont get reply. In mean time gonna eat chips, drink wine left from yesterday and play on tablet. Not gonna try reading we to little for that! Sophie can wait we get back to her soon.

November 14, 2018

Universal Credit

How very modern British state, steal you, slaughter and sell your people, steal your ID, force you to live as someone else, kill everyone else who has been forced to live under that ID, then force you to prove via a company they do business with to prove the fake ID they force on you as part of proving you cant work after their abuse, enslavement and selling of you has destroyed you ability to financially support yourself while preventing or killing anyone willing to assistant by financially compensating or supporting you.

..

Gotta take it easy I know. In crazy pain. Not gonna miss those internal stairs. Tea, biscuits, chilled music, painkillers..

Slept most of the night and most of the day. But all those hours of sleep make for hours of shitty horrible dreams. Impossible not to start crying at not being able to prove ID for universal credit. The binary AF form was one thing but without a valid passport of driving license I'm basically gonna have to limp and weep my way into a job centre plus. If we dont do it in time we will have to fill out the binary AF form again and it will be even longer until we get help with rent that we had to sign a direct debit for. Tried three different "support our mates by getting a computer to validate your ID when the people who need this service most are also the ones less likely to have current passport or driving license" companies.

Also got a letter demanding our capability to work questionnaire, its dated a couple of days after we sent it in so they probably have it now but not helpful when we are in a mess over universal credit and the move when in soo much fucking pain. Horrible images and rape feelings from all the dreaming keep coming back. We need weed. We need family. We need a friend. We need to not be in so much fucking pain. We need a government that recognising our existence and isn't just a capitalist enterprise benefiting themselves and their small circles of associates and anyone willing to support them in their criminal activities. We need to see some humanity.

..

Yabbering away on the tablet humanising ourself when it turned off without warning and cause its an already existing post there was no auto save. Its just over. Every adult who ever held us and called us one of theirs, then fucked off on slaver orders and have been deaf to all screams, pleading and begging since. Its all over. No smoking spliffs in comfy clothes watching African Queen holding someone’s hand, no dancing with sisters, no more warning folk that them that have you on your payroll have you on their hit list, no more turning up and saving your asses coz you cant save mine if i dont save yours first, no more day dreams about one day having consensual sex, no saying to the lad “This is ... he/she is your ...” ouch you mother fuckers.

November 13, 2018

*dancing woman emoji*

0238 Its paid. Money went in, used the card reader slowly carefully as calmly as possible didn't fuck it up and off the money went. And there is enough left to eat and have electric and gas this next week even if the loan doesn't get in. Yes train line I may have another sore throat and bags under my eyes that look like I have recently had my nose broken but I am indeed mother fucking ready. Unless I fall asleep then when I wake up I will indeed not feel motherfucking ready for anything. Awful rapey nightmares again when we slept earlier but me and a few other woman were helping each other. The cute racist Italian chick from Orange keeps turning up and being a good pal and neighbour in dreams recently, shes not racist in our dreams. Will still manage to get rolls, juice, ham, cheese, lecky , crisps either way. And shower better shower.. And wake up Pablo and get cash out for taxi. Okay maybe there won't be quite enough cash to do us the whole week but that's alright the loan is unlikely to take another whole week its already been a few working days. We're getting the literal keys to a literal new better life today. Hope its not raining so we can take a little walk to. Seen the sea and never walked down to it last time gotta do something about that if health, weather and energy permit.

Hope we stick to our offer of inviting the agent up to see our Xmas deco once it's up. The other place we saw was all modern and our shabby chic addiction wouldn't of fitted in right not like it will in this place. Would be nice to walk into full fitted kitchen though of course, dishwasher and all but we didnt think much of the immediate surroundings there, where we got is actually more "central" but looks likes its gona be dead quiet, docs close to. Oh thank fuck. Probs best hold back on the shabby chic once the loan gets in the clearance guys and the new cooker will take a fair chunk and we will have to be paying the rent ourself since housing benefit is no more there and universal credit is a travesty of carnage and stress and will take ages to sort. There is the deposit for here though.. New keys in my support braced paws.. Plenty time to recover from today and get back to sorting here. Oh joy.

1915

I'm so fucking tired, surely the tiny lapses into almost sleep on the trains home won't stop me from a good bunch of hours, all in a row.. Not a cloud in the sky and cold but not freezing wished we had it in us to wonder down to shore but were to tired and besides plenty time for all that. We got the keys. We signed and initialed all the everything. We are officially getting out of here. Fair bit of thinking and discussions about rooms, really wanting to get him to understand I want him to work for the big one, voluntarily. I want the one with fire place we are not allowed to use anyway. We can stick the tumbled drier in his room and a small dinning table in mine. But now I drink wine and hopefully sleep well or at least sleep. It is very cute and warm.. I need sleep. Real sleep. Just feel so little and overwhelmed at everything that needs to be done and I miss the pusses.

November 12, 2018

Not freaking out..

Its a universal credit area. If I want housing benefit, help with rent. I gotta apply. I'm not freaking out. Shaking and want to cry and scream. Maybe freaking out a bit. Helped when we read that if you've just been assessed they won't asses you again. That if your unfit to attend an interview and we so fucking are, we won't be forced to. Registered with the application site but went no further. So worried about money not being in for the deposit and first month. Would really help if we had someone to tell us its okay. Can't handle anymore calls never the gamble of what might pick up the phone at the other end of the help lines. That was what we found out from on call and we pushed past the urge to withdraw further and made a docs appointment at a time of day we might actually attend, with the doctor we think is a bit more consistent not the one whole is all ears one time and heartless as fuck the next time we make it in.

Stressing about every time we wrote on the form that we managed to do anything. Its not many times.. But still.

Pain is fucking awful think I might be in the place where the painkillers make the pain worse because of the lack of pooing .. Best wait until there has been movement before we take any more which is hard when in so much fucking pain. Had two donuts, eventually managed to get milk from shop with purse pennies not spending from the bank. Not until its in and transferred and cleared. Vodafone calling about unpaid bill cept messing up our sleep. Can't handle computer voices. Will sort it out when the budgeting loan gets in.

Actually read a couple of chapters of an actual book last night. First time in years except for A Christmas Carol last year. Wanted to write about what we are thinking about it, Sophie's World to stressed and scared now though. The Fortnite gunfire from the living room is not helping.

Airplay is working though. That's a good thing. London Still..

November 11, 2018

Sunday

Couldn't eat much yesterday, half a bowl of carton gumbo, a bagel and a few custard creams. Junior was on the bagels, macaroni pie and whatever else he could find. Just pigged out on sausages, chips, peas, yorkies and gravy feeling much better for it. Did a little bit of boxing and bagging as we waited for the oven to heat up. All three big cupboards and the small room that was getting used as a cupboard at almost completely sorted. Always a source of anxiety when flitting.. Big stuffed cupboards.. Pain has been really really nasty. So not planning on doing anything else today, except shower with the shower that gets freezing cold every minute or two and get Pabs to do the same. Saw a polo shirt hanging up and trousers in the wash basket so he's good for tomorrow.

Got my list of calls to make after he's left for school, probably will end up going to sleep after that. Anxious about the calls, anxious about not knowing the stuff I need know. Neither of us are sleeping much during the night, poor lad will suffer getting up tomorrow. Its rough as for me but at least I can go back to sleep. I might get woken up by the "can you come get him he's falling asleep call". Spending the small hours adding essentials and not so essentials to our Amazon list and being all excited. Body is telling us to not move the big move day forward, parts of our mind are just so keen but we can recognise its best to not over commit. Its not like once you move you can just chill. You gotta empty all the fucking boxes. Figure out where to put stuff. Gotta get a cooker, gotta deal with a new school. And new Doctors..

Man I'm so glad we ate a meal.

Hidden objects call..


November 10, 2018

Poor pusses..

Pretty bad for a while yesterday, back like we were for months when we first got here, shaking like had taken loads of ventolin but hadnt had anyway, ate a meal and it made no difference. We got a bit better later on and we found another charger cable for tablet and its taking a full charge again. No sleep over night of course not surprising as we were out for hours after the cats left. Cat lady woke us up late lunch time asking for advice over the terrified in the cattery pusses.. We gave all we could on a note but its maybe got misplaced. Heart breaking. We always knew we probably shouldn't of took them and wouldn't be able to keep them forever cat lady said we rescued them on the form and we wouldn't of taking them if they were okay where they where, Jess pregnant all the time, Princess being dissociated to limp state by the kid. We do what we can do when we can. Knew the sensible thing would of been to let social services rehome  them when we were in hospital but we couldn't let them go.

Managed to access a more appropriate for formal shit email rather than daffodils. Pabs took lots of bag up to charity shop, took out a bag of rubbish and taped up a box. Little steps. Lots done already and still plenty of time. Probs gonna need all that time. Rushed moves are even more horrible that plenty of time ones and this is us and just us, clearing here to be elsewhere. Will be good to get away from all the cat reminders as well as everything else. Keep seeing Princess at the kitchen window. Found his tube thing in Pabs room forgot to look for it before they went. He used to sleep inside it and could probably do with it right now.

We will be freer and feel more at home real soon. The pusses will be okay, hopefully much better than okay real soon to.

Quite sore and no fucking appetite. No surprises. 

November 09, 2018

Good luck pusses

She came for them this morning. Changed Princess's name to the masculine version, said well done for getting them neutered and getting the cool cat box. Then drove off them in cages. Last night we washed the favorite blanket twice tumbled it and cut it in two. So they will have that. Powered them to. Bought some of their favourite cat food to. And now the annoying, flea ridden, needy pain in the ass furrballs  are gone I'm a weepy triggered achey chain smoking mess. Like we said to the lad, it is gonna be worth it when we are in and settled. Its not I felt like I was taking proper care of them. We were still buying food I would run out of food sometimes, they are not vaccinated or chipped and we got really upset about having to care for them and them scratching at fleas. Seems to have brought up thoughts of Laura/Martha etc and fears something will go wrong and we won't get the place we love, or we will but they won't extend the lease and we will have to find somewhere else that accepts housing benefit and we don't like as much, or at all.

Glad the actual physical move isn't next week now. Still lots to do and we will get the keys next week. Its is going to be okay but its also okay to be really sad about the cats, about Laura, about Margo, about how badly we have been treated by so many and everything else right now. Kinda how bad it's been 2013 until now. We think we can't believe how long we have been here and have been writing different years of all the forms. It's more than three anyway. Feels like some very lost years. We've been so ill, so much in harms way and so without emotional and physical support. There is no way we will not feel different and better somewhere else. Right now though we really need someone to prepare food for us coz we are hungry but can't cook yet. Hopefully later we will manage. Its Friday. Things can happen later.

November 08, 2018

not cool

Doesnt matter how okish you are when you fall asleep at 6 your not gonna be feeling so ok when the alarm goes off at 8.. cancelled a docs appointment, felt horrible cried a little cried a bit more when cat lady called to say she will be picking them up tomorrow. Stuid tablet isn’t charging, should manage to get something once the housing benefit is paid back and the budgeting loan is in. Cooker first though of course & a new smaller eating off table. New kitchen is tiny especially compared to what we got now so back to using the living room as a dining room to. Hardly ever in the living room here anyway, would of used it over xmas to watch movies but quit sky a while ago coz they got nothing we can tolerate, and friggin Netflix has cancelled Orange which has seriously pissed us off, like seeping into our nightmares pissed off. Think the endless hoards of superficial vavid twats are well catered for Netflix. We did eventually get into “good girls” or the one about the women getting involved in robbery and money laundering it had some quite class moments but only one series they have probably cancelled it too for that very reason.

Counted the cash and went up for wine, chocolate, fresh juice and guilt caserole cat food. Washed our favourite blanket twice and tumbled it then cut it in two. Only got cat carrier left as the other wasn’t returned but its the cool one that side opens and is dead easy to fold flat. Had to keep them out of here because we powdered them. Princess is particularly pissed coz of that and coz we arnt letting him out.

Had an eye on the laterst white dude slaughtering a bunch of random folks. That smile in one of his military service shots kinda says “Im fucked up and need serious help and Im not the type to go down  without acting out on my projections, jealousies and resentments stewed in paranoid isolation and a culture that wont teach me self care, self expression and acceptance or respect for others.”

We just skip past any comments from the king of farts. We dont long for any kind of justice anymore, just acknowledge the uncrossable distance as it grows between ourself and authorities not just in a general sense but individuals and agencies we worked with, consciously and conscientiously because we believed there was something worth saving in America, the West and we knew our self respect demanded we do all we can to show them what we had to offer and how committed we were and are to our humanitarian principals. We thought we knew and would be prepared for the betrayals and their consequences but knowing and being emotionally or physically prepared for horror is very far apart. The mourning will never be over we have lost and seen to much cruel and callous loss for that but we are starting to function and hope for ourself and ours.

Miss you Gabe.

Listening to the Waifs, loving the Aussie accents and the folky country thang. Gonna have a burger.

Cool

Damn sore though going into town and selling games, putting cash in bank, grabbing some cheap snacks and vino then getting bus home. Was no option but to nap when we got in and after we sorted out broadband. Vaguely heard the post hitting floor and found our acceptance letter from DWP for full amount and letter from post office asking for ID and stuff. No ta will take the 0 interest rate. Came a lot quicker than I feared. Should be in by moving day and will probably be able to clear me and Lauras cheap broken furniture. Gonna get another quote though. Think we can just about tolerate more strange dudes trapecing round our house.

After two plates of spag bol and vino we crashed out for a few hours with the lad waking us up in the middle to tell us about smosh ending or something which led to some fucked up Anthony & smosh dreams. So relieved we are coping with organising the move that it has only made us a bit yuck and not floored us completely. Lad called us hypermommy when we eventually woke up and put him to bed.. Glad we wont have to figure out where to store xmas decor & the crazy big tree its close enough to December there is no point. Been looking at decorations on Amazon it is a hobby we dedicate lots of time to at this time of year, accidentally bought a big red candle because of unintended one click tapping.. theres a fire place thats out of use in the room that i will probably take as my bedroom and thinking big red candle in a pickling jar, maybe some pine cones round the base.. garland over the mantel.. lovely. Definitely got way too much docor for such a small place but Im like the lad is with his toys over it not giving up a thing. Don’t know what will work until we are in there anyway and thats a pretty good excuse.

Feeling bad about cats though. Now its colder Princess is only outside half the time and is attached to me the rest, barely seeing much of Jess because she has a big empty box. Its not fair on any of us when we are particularly ill though and the thought of them getting old and ill and vet bills and more death even if years and years away is too much.

So glad overall. Keeping checking bank to make sure we will have enough for the deposit when our next money comes in. Its gonna be okay. Already paid for train. We can cover it. Looking at all the staggered houses with little gardens each with greens and autumn colours had us wishing it would be okay for us to stay local. But its highly unlikely and definitely wouldn’t feel like it was, so onward.

November 06, 2018

Only almost cried a couple of times today! Mostly over gyn pain, like right now. It's pretty bad. Made it to parents evening. Kinda figured we had to because he's leaving. Lots of the staff wishing us well and saying they would miss the lad and I believe them. He's a happy, polite lad, mostly. It wasnt his Grandad Bill his teacher knows its a Bill on Margo's side. Its gonna get back to the Aberdeen lot where we are going anyway. She didn't seem to comfortable when we mentioned where and used a much more generic "down south" so maybe she won't say she talked a fair bit about families being close though.

It's not like them getting the address. We can't help telling folk anyway. Too chuffed for security, rather them than them hear through horrid authorities anyway. Another member of staff asked if we had family down there ans we said no fresh start and she brave andma Shonagh and literally minutes after the kids were banging on the door and running away again. Shouting shit we didn't catch, more than usual. Whatever.

Think we got a date. And not just a pick up the keys date but an actual getting the fuck out of here one. Wish it was sooner but we gotta watch ourself for overdoing it physically. Plenty time to eat the contents of the freezer and defrost the thing. Really relieved actually. Don't need to keep checking emails for loan updates. The DWP one can be twenty days after applying before you get an offer, then ten days after that before you get the money.. Probs should of found that out as soon as we got notice but we did what we could and made the best of it as best we could. With an actual date we can start telling utilities and broadband. He won't be happy having to go hours without never mind days. All the unpacking to do anyway should keep his busy. Still don't know if we can clear the shit we're not taking though. Might try get another quote, might just tell the landlord to bill us. Funds are crazy tight. But will get a useful amount from selling some games. He's not happy about it even though he never plays them. Gotta be done.

Days are so fucking long though and there's solo many of them. I know I know physically we can only handle a little at a time anyway. But urg. And also yeah we got a date. And end date to being here. A start date to somewhere we actually don't mind being.

coz im worth it and so’s he

Its distressingly tight but we gotta put that money down, sign that paper and get those keys. If our head wasnt so messed up we wouldnt of fucked up loan forms, cant be applying for any more we know that. There’s emergency stuff out there that would maybe help with the actual move as its unlikely the   Budgeting loan will get to us as soon as we need it. Dude is being a darling saying to cancel netflix and xbox gold but we checked and they have already come of was kind of a relief has we would have to go to websites we don’t normally go to and remember passwords and its all anxiety causing. If we could just get a good non distessing solid block of sleep.. and had an immune system got a least two small but uncomfortable cists, one just might be a pulled hair infection that will sort itself out. And if we bathe and hot shower lots it helps. Sore fucking hands, uterus irritated, bladder irritated at least our bowels are not too bad! If worse comes to worse with the cash we will have to sell some of his games, he was volunteering ds but im thinking switch. Things should be okay quite quickly again after the move and will probs be able to replace them soon after.

Got more forms sent out today, yeah more forms with extra evidence gathering.. dated & licked the esa. One less to do he said, bless him his attitude is really helping. Got quote for rubbish removal. Actual flit quote tomorrow.. lady from cat shelter wants them to be vaccinated but cant see how the prices on the board in the vet were fucking crazy maybe we read it wrong..

Be looking at groups & massuers in area that’s been helping us stay calmer. Got fucking parents night tomorrow to. Oh joy. No more wine for us either until shit has been paid for. Got a good stock of food  though. No weed. No wine. Anxieties & insecurities aplenty. Hope hard to reach when so fucking tired. Pain killers were in though. Really sucks this whole no friends or family thing. Doesnt suck as much as having contact from abusers constantly but still its real shitty.

November 04, 2018

Is all little all of a sudden. Maybe pills doc gave us for over peeing. Maybe nots. Wishin we had ordered pain killers earlier we ran out. Wishin even more for proper helpful weed. Dont bother wishin for hugs or speaking or other bigger person to help me and big boy anymore. We been lots that we need to do maybe just that. Gonna be in a place we wanna be! Needs a bit more money to do it all soon and without too much stressin and feeling all victim though. But maybe weve sorted that to.. Gonna have to deal with lots of diffetent people and make lots of calls but we can if we know it will be worth it and get to stare at the sea. Lots done already. Gonna be glad to not feel bad for cats coz we cant get rid of all the fleas or when they miawo and we just need to look after selfs and big boy we got nothing left for anyone else. Gonna be so good to not have monsters next door making summer sad and horrible. Wonder wot brain will be like when not here.. gotta be really careful and not get lost but dont wanna be stuck in teeny comfort zone either. Will plan and check self and check ourself and usr phone it will be okay. Maybe even really good. Lady was all “its not very modern” we were all loving it. Its small & quirky like us! Hope we get doc that helps or at least doesn’t make us much worse. Really hate it when the comfy powerful not educated docs make us worse. Feels so hopeless and no one to comfort us about it after. We gonna get healthier away from here. Gonna be so tired and have to pretend we all big lots in mean time and be okay for big boy its gonna be hard at times. Think it might be real start. Hope so and if not we fight on. Feels right I think coz we not sure wot feels right feels like.. love you us. Fingers crossed for easy as poss we already managing so much better than we did, dont be mad about slips. Its okay to be glad margo gone she was able to know us or love us they hurt and controlled her too much. It gonna get better and better.