..dear reader..

Before we broke off I said to my therapist that I wanted to continue giving a brief overview of my teen years but I think we will be going back to talk about the eighties. Its not images and sensations connected to the sexual abuse by my Scottish dad that flood every time I feel even remotely connected to my own sexuality.  Its all about Savile now.  I came round and remembered various times through out the years. Every time I would notice how much older his body was and how closely I had seen it age, how much my body knew him, it felt like big chunks of me had been cleaved of. He was one of those that it didn't matter how much I did or didn't fight, who I did or didn't tell I would still myself being raped by them and them with the same void in their eyes.  The flashbacks from previous traumas would be so common and so intense sometimes I didn't know when I was remembering something that...

I cant say much, cant remember much but when Radio 1s Dream Team told me they were getting involved with Clifford sometime in the mid nineties I knew I wouldn't be getting away from them anytime soon.  The gang rape, Spooney and his spoons; the control he had over my life, the pregnancies, their fascination for embryos, fetuses, their skills at manipulating my dissociated states and multiples, shit eating and writing symbols on my body would continue as would the cover ups.   Most of it happened in my bedroom but when Timmy wanted money for his own company I was taken out of the house to clubs and whore houses to be pimped.   

The McCans? I never felt traumatised when Lord Leveson started to appear on the telly. I didnt want to look too close and still don't want to. Usually don't have too dig deep to know that there is something very wrong going on.  I always put off remembering for as long as possible.  It will always be there though, near the top of the 'Shit that is really difficult and will have to be dealt with but not today or tomorrow pile.' The constant themes that were the only grounding I had. The aspects and senses of it that were never forgotten.  Savile. Cyril Smith Mr T and the music industry in general; the BBC, big business, celebrities and conspiracy theories. Some bloke from coronation street and what the fuck does Maggie know about all this?  The basic gut level barriers that keep us all animals. 'I was a victim of incest.' 'I think pedophiles should be strung up by their balls.' 'Yea me to.  But ...