April 11, 2013


I feel like I should write something.  Its not easy for me to engage in anything, probably because there isn't really such as thing as 'me', there is just programmed personalities, victim mentalities and a sense that sharing is essential if I'm ever to escape the constant depression and the belief that the truth is irrelevant.  Had an appointment with the psych today without the psychiatric nurse that openly scoffs at my disclouser of abuse by djs involved in child pornography.  When that same nurse walked into the room in refuge the first time, I was a bit sickened, nothing specific memory wise, just the knowledge that her face was very familiar.  I lived in this same town as a child for a little while, my parents went to Uni here so I'm not assuming anything, I can't when whoever knows her is saying nothing but I wasn't remotely surprised by her reactions. Anyway, pysch has referred me for an EEG (could be wrong initials there) and to some kind of psychologist.  He also talked about an IQ test, I told him my child therapist said my IQ was very high but I didn't think it was as high now.  He isn't happy at all with my notes and pretty much said there was nothing of any use in them and that the investigations he is starting now should of happened a long time ago.  I tried to suggest that notes can go missing but he wasn't having any of it.  I didn't say anything about people I talked to in the past being at very serious risk of threats or attacks.

It was amusing listen to him talk about what the police were like when the came to talk to him before I made the statement, the words 'intimidating' and 'bully' were used to describe how the police talked to him, so its not just those that try to report being victimised that are talked to like that.  Apparently he wasn't having any of that either and said he told them to do their jobs, investigate and let him get on with his.  He asked me to be patient with him.  I told him I didn't feel suicidal after our appointments like I have with others, he said thanks.  

 I can't see how I will ever feel close to an adult or be comfortable and confident enough for any job not to feel like anything other than allowing myself to be exploited but schools are back next week so drama and DID work can continue   Its all bastard hard by the way, I hate not feeling like a proper person, so fragmented, so used.  My therapist isn't Sinason by the way, as anyone who has taken much of an interest in this blog will now and I've probably already clearly stated.  I find it hard to read other blogs or forums much to much focus on 'facts' and not enough on reality but was reading some of the comments from Jimmy Jones blog today written months ago before the paedobritain fall out.  As someone commented I'm in Scotland, Sinason isnt.  We have corresponded over email a couple of times but that's all.  My therapist has worked with DID before but not ritual abuse although she was aware of it and is doing lots of research since we started seeing her.

As for the whole 'recovered' memories backlash, I've no time for.  Do people really think that children can experience horrific abuse from people who are supposed to love and protect and then just walk around with all the memories of it in the heads, living with the abusers, hearing constantly from all angles that families are good and safe.  Shell shock was accepted during WWI for fucks sake.  But of course there are plenty of witnesses, documents and records of the realities of trench warfare, not so with child abuse.  I see fucked up shrinks who suggest memories of abuse that are then believed by vulnerable clients as being a bit like false rape claims, very rare and used as an excuse to not deal with the real issues.

Been reading Amongst Ourselves  by Alderman and Marshall, its a bit old now and a self help book so is a bit cheesy and simplistic at times but that is pretty much what I was after.  I get jealous sometimes when I read about the way other peoples switches are so obvious and weren't put through the kind of mind control tortures that are used to stop some ritual abuse victims from presenting too many DID symptoms too often.  Everything, everyone in me is pushed so far down it feels like an impossible task to really remember who I am and where we've been but it not like I have anything else to do.  I would need to take drugs, surround myself with violence or find someone who has known us and would talk openly for that kind of access.  Caught myself half willing nuclear war so that maybe all the super solider training and experiments would kick in, I'd know and maybe have a job again.

Did dream about rapid unsubtle switching last night after reading and about being in the dark.  Woke up well anxious and exhausted, haven't had that for a while.  Psych often says trying to find out what is going on with me is like working in the dark, it makes me smirk a bit that he thinks that if he puts in a bit of work its all going to become crystal clear.  Give him his due though he hasn't written me off as a fantasist or thinks the best way to keep to help is to encourage me to never talk about any of it and feels about my notes the same way I do.