..dear reader..

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration. In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the litt...

Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway.  We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape. We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and ...

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting. Well m...