November 07, 2016

Dire

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting.

Well maybe thats not entirely true DID complicates use it or lose and its not like we arn't making constant progress in reaching out and reintegrating parts of our self and the past but its not enough to help the unsupported CPTSD and situational depression. We feel the loses so much more than we do the wins. The wins are still out there happening to someone else the looses are here and now.

At least we are stable enough to take the meds and eat cook clean a little and sleep. We have made a start on the Santa shopping. For one. And there's going to be a conversation this week where we have to face what we were told in the hospital on the same hospital grounds and then bus it home alone.

It's the kind of thing that makes me pray for all the relationships we have or thought we had that happens quite a lot. We have to let go of so much to go through something like that. Too much to rebuild because everything is so different and too avoidable to leave any will to start something again.