Summer. So I guess it will start being wet and cold again.
Think it's because you always knew when we were in the bath even when we tried to stop you from feeling it that we often find it hits us again when we go for a soak. Brain still stuck in 'this can't be' mode can't see how we will ever get out of it. You wouldn't want me to feel like this but you would also know we don't have any options. The day after an Epsom salts soak we often feel good but lazy and are happy to go with it. Until later on and we start getting restless, tearful, furious again.
We stopped the calls from abusers pretending to be you eventually with Lainey's help. I remember in the living room in Dundee with our arms around her so we could feed her the lines we couldn't speak ourself but she wasn't as experienced and started laughing and that spread to us, it the spell was broken anyway and was wonderful for morale and that is usually the most important thing needed to resist that crap. They were always very motivating that particular genre of slave handler to slave calls making it impossible to hide behind dissociated denial, organised networks using 'friends and family members' to pretend to be someone who loved me long after your awful death. The true nature of how we were treated, how we knew little else and how big the networks are and how surrounded we were was impossible to ignore or minimalize. Decades worth of stuff making 'friends and family' the scariest and disgustingest so we would be more likely to go along with it when they had trained them with your voices. The specifics of why it was that some networks needed us to talk like we thought you were still alive aren't with us. We don't currently need to know or care probably related to our programming and stopping us from controlling our DID or some inter slaver bullshit meaning one lot wanted it to appear that we thought you were still alive or use us to make it look like you actually were still here and could therefore still be useful to them. We wondered if it was to convince people who weren't abusers but were being fooled by them into thinking we didn't want contact or help or anything because it would put you in danger but then we just think pfffttt we would of reached out and gave everyone everything they needed to know and everything they needed to do it.
Knowing how so many 'humans' can be so awful and so inhuman doesn't really help much. Not having to spend time pretending people involved are my actual family and friends does help though. I'm not sure how we will cope if anyone is instructed to contact us here but we are not living in terror of it, plenty hangover from all the past terror though.
Glad there is rain. Not so glad that when we look at the weather forecast it says day after day of rain, heavy clouds and low temperatures instead of May's white clouds and sunshine.
After last post we started feeling awful for the kids. Wondering if they are living in hope that I might come and help them, we don't know if that is how they feel even if they do there is nothing we can do. Just really hope that A gets out and away from her mother and not into a horrible relationship with someone else and that the spider monkey has some genuine comfort and fun sometimes. Keep having awful thoughts about her having to ask her dad for money for sanitary towels and doing our best to not think about much worse. Fuking awful society. For a long time we didn't want to make decisions because we were very aware of a total ambivalence, like we wouldn't care about the suffering and death of millions if it was the only way to take out the worst of it all permanently. Especially when we think about what people could build after it and the ways of living and thinking that it constructed was all gone. I don't think that is going away though, think that is just how we feel. It's a pragmatic response to systemic evil.
Hope we get a little more done tomorrow the bathroom sink and our bed are particularly in need of cleaning, suspect we will be working around the pain though. Will take the pills that only work sometimes and get some fibre by putting dude on smoothie duty even if the kitchen does end up looking like the crime scene from a gruesome berry slaughter.
We love yous.
We stopped the calls from abusers pretending to be you eventually with Lainey's help. I remember in the living room in Dundee with our arms around her so we could feed her the lines we couldn't speak ourself but she wasn't as experienced and started laughing and that spread to us, it the spell was broken anyway and was wonderful for morale and that is usually the most important thing needed to resist that crap. They were always very motivating that particular genre of slave handler to slave calls making it impossible to hide behind dissociated denial, organised networks using 'friends and family members' to pretend to be someone who loved me long after your awful death. The true nature of how we were treated, how we knew little else and how big the networks are and how surrounded we were was impossible to ignore or minimalize. Decades worth of stuff making 'friends and family' the scariest and disgustingest so we would be more likely to go along with it when they had trained them with your voices. The specifics of why it was that some networks needed us to talk like we thought you were still alive aren't with us. We don't currently need to know or care probably related to our programming and stopping us from controlling our DID or some inter slaver bullshit meaning one lot wanted it to appear that we thought you were still alive or use us to make it look like you actually were still here and could therefore still be useful to them. We wondered if it was to convince people who weren't abusers but were being fooled by them into thinking we didn't want contact or help or anything because it would put you in danger but then we just think pfffttt we would of reached out and gave everyone everything they needed to know and everything they needed to do it.
Knowing how so many 'humans' can be so awful and so inhuman doesn't really help much. Not having to spend time pretending people involved are my actual family and friends does help though. I'm not sure how we will cope if anyone is instructed to contact us here but we are not living in terror of it, plenty hangover from all the past terror though.
Glad there is rain. Not so glad that when we look at the weather forecast it says day after day of rain, heavy clouds and low temperatures instead of May's white clouds and sunshine.
After last post we started feeling awful for the kids. Wondering if they are living in hope that I might come and help them, we don't know if that is how they feel even if they do there is nothing we can do. Just really hope that A gets out and away from her mother and not into a horrible relationship with someone else and that the spider monkey has some genuine comfort and fun sometimes. Keep having awful thoughts about her having to ask her dad for money for sanitary towels and doing our best to not think about much worse. Fuking awful society. For a long time we didn't want to make decisions because we were very aware of a total ambivalence, like we wouldn't care about the suffering and death of millions if it was the only way to take out the worst of it all permanently. Especially when we think about what people could build after it and the ways of living and thinking that it constructed was all gone. I don't think that is going away though, think that is just how we feel. It's a pragmatic response to systemic evil.
Hope we get a little more done tomorrow the bathroom sink and our bed are particularly in need of cleaning, suspect we will be working around the pain though. Will take the pills that only work sometimes and get some fibre by putting dude on smoothie duty even if the kitchen does end up looking like the crime scene from a gruesome berry slaughter.
We love yous.
