..dear reader..

Can't wait to get the books through, although I have a feeling that will change dramatically by the time I hold them in my hands. I'm going to have to deal with these memories and aim towards to a place where I don't need to smoke. That's the plan anyway... Today has been a strange mixture of feeling crushed and okay. I am accepting I need a lot of attention right now and for the foreseeable future and am so much less annoyed with myself for not being 'normal'. I could smile at myself for not doing the dishes tonight, they are soaking and can be easily rinsed in the morning. I will need to stay busy tomorrow morning away because I will be weedless, which will be all lot more bearable now I've realised myself from the course and have ordered healing books. I feel like I'm going through something important right now, its really starting to sink in that I have options and futures now. That the decisions I make effects my future - fancy that.. My ...

Thats why you have to get down to gory details sometimes - it cleans. The dramatherapy must been working its magic. The invite to drink in a pub after the session this week is helping me feel brave and a social animal to though. It's very cool to have a friend. I've completly lost all interest in her sexually though and have gone back to thinking about a good honest working class men again, as I tend to do. I think I can say with almost total certainty that I would turn down one of them right now to: sex? yuck. Although I am vaguely warmed by the thought of sex at a later point in my healing journey... I hope I'm right in thinking I'm ready for 'The Courage to Heal', I went through a patch before of reading self help books and I'm actualy looking forward just to be reading anything in book form again. I have to be able to stay calm whenver I read something that I don't agree with. The issues are so major and aimed at the vunrable I'm so wo...

I don't remember how it started but I remember making films where I had to 'drink Daddy's milk' they kept us dehydrated to encourage us to swallow, as usual with me, it took a lot of takes. Don't know when it started without anyone else involved though, but it was bad in my early teens, until I learned enough violence to fight him off. But I remember the red glow of a cigarette and his smell in the dark when I was younger, and that horrible feeling that he was 'one of them' to and that I had no hope. He is an alcoholic and of course that doesn't mean he did it anymore than my mother's smoking is a means as a blocking her inability to stop it. But as I write this I see her screaming no and launching at him and an earlier memory of middle sis telling me it was all my fault. Did he rape me in front of them? That might of been to much for my mother, behind closed doors is one thing in the living room in front of everyone without any others - my mot...

The comments left on my blog post 'I am Selfish' have really helped me get my priorites in order. I need to focus on me right now, I knew it would happen. Once I moved away from my dad and the family home where so much hell happened I would find myself wanting to think all the time and not able to do much else. As much as I dont want to quit my studies, I've not been able to read properly for months because I can't focus long enough. Putting myself through an exam would not be helpful. I just hope that when I go back the OU will still be up for paying. I feel so grateful for the open university for all the courses and funds they given me, this computer, my flights to London for the Summer School, so much stuff in life that has been good and needed has come from the OU. I feel like I'm letting them down whenever I get a bad grade so quiting another course is not an easy decsion but one I feel I need to make right now for the best interests of myself and my wee ...

  The order of service was forced in my hand but I didn't want anything to do with it. I knew too many words would be missing but I was glad they'd used her favourite picture all hair, tan, smile and Scotland undulating behind white clouds gathering above. Although she swore she had a shocking hangover that day I was never sure. She didn't seem that drunk the night before when she came out of the dark of my tent at me her skin all smooth and cold like tatties out the fridge.   I looked like you when I was younger. A photo at the bun fight proved it, the cutting slope of our noses that ask to be broken. Earlier at the family grave I choked on the smoke of our shared vice as the grandkids threw dirt on her lid. I felt the words she used on me too often scar across my brain, Yi can.  

The tall sunflowers bowed their heads outside the tinted taxi windows. Back in Scotland the oil seed rape is short and half yellow. Earlier my sister yanked at my niece’s arm like an angry bell ringer or trying start a stubborn lawn mower the silence is still heavy but wasn’t enough to drown the homecoming of nights as warm as our hottest days. Taking me back to stand on the tiles, tired and relieved With someone around ten years my junior, snug and viable under stretchy pre teen skin. Their shock washed him out and I held the child to my breasts like our midwife was David Attenborough.

Fuck the studies, I need to focus on being a mum for a while. Being a mum and going to dramatherapy. His bowels have been a bit funny recently probably made worse by me letting him eat to much fruit and drink milk..Parenting myself as well as him is complex beautiful work and its full time I need to stop convincing myself otherwise. I understand why I do it though, volunteer for far more than I can handle though and it isnt always because I'm responding to pressure from society. There is issues I need to deal with or at least identifyed and understood a bit better before I can go back to assignments and exams again. I still dont see how I have enough support to stop self medicating, but I do feel supported becuase of twitter friends, comments on my blog as such. It's all really starting to open my eyes to a world where survivor narratives are central. I know I work slowly, to slow for people face to face but over twitter and blogging, I have the space to figure out who I...

Not feeling to good realy, wobling on the edge of tears a bit. There is so much I can't handle, I know I need more time but I'm so desperate to make up for lost time that I spend to much time wishing. I'm grateful a lot to but I still want more. They can't just do that to be and then get on with their successful lives leaving me in the muck. I was already in the muck, they would say and I would struggle to disagree. Still though how can systems like police, social workers, communities be so vunrable that the sort of slavery I went through could happen so openly. By abusers are everywhere, they drive buses and taxi's, they teach at schools, they work in charaties and jobcenters and the truth is that many may have legitimate claims of me commiting violent acts against them. Violence was something that all my conscious mutiplies had to accept, some easier than others. How could you go about taking all that through the courts? Child Protection Police generaly h...

in drama therapy today. I drew us fighting in beautiful countryside when we had to come up with two characters in conflict. I drew it in pastels, so every week we had to go back an use out pictures my hands and jeans get covered in green and blue. I wanted to have them calling each other names like we used to do. She was older and better at it. I called her 'pig' she's call me 'cow', I'd say 'tart', she'd say 'whore' etc. I couldn't do it though and kept it to myself. I hated remembering the constant yearning in me to understand why, wandering about that Glen alone and trying to figure it out, I think I was 7. Today I played the part of the character based on middle sis while young dude asked the questions I wrote for her. My questions were all based on asking her why she hurt me. My answers were short just whatever came into mind. Then everyone else could ask my character questions to the group 'teacher' had lots. A...