September 02, 2011

Hello September, Goodbye August

Not feeling to good realy, wobling on the edge of tears a bit. There is so much I can't handle, I know I need more time but I'm so desperate to make up for lost time that I spend to much time wishing. I'm grateful a lot to but I still want more. They can't just do that to be and then get on with their successful lives leaving me in the muck. I was already in the muck, they would say and I would struggle to disagree. Still though how can systems like police, social workers, communities be so vunrable that the sort of slavery I went through could happen so openly. By abusers are everywhere, they drive buses and taxi's, they teach at schools, they work in charaties and jobcenters and the truth is that many may have legitimate claims of me commiting violent acts against them. Violence was something that all my conscious mutiplies had to accept, some easier than others. How could you go about taking all that through the courts? Child Protection Police generaly have enough current cases to deal with, the economic climate of course doesn't help. But the bus drivers, the taxi drivers and the rest don't scare me like the celebs and the their girlfriends do. Too many memories of finding myself drugged in a bar with no mates and no one letting me leave. Everyone else with their eyes down into their drinks, waiting, talking quietly. Unpleasant. Of course they all said afterwards that i didnt try to leave. When situations like that are regularly happening I had no option it seemed but to learn how to fight. I got trained, my knowledge got me favours. At the very least if you fight with everything you have the bastards are all ready knackered before the rape starts. I didnt care if people died, I had even up on knowing what was going on with death a long time ago. I had seen people die, night after night then saw them on the way to school every morning so I got quiet good at it. I had known children that everyone denied ever existed. The game became more about betting on me winning, the men who bet on me would try and tell me how to live to give them better odds. At least in those days I go to have a drink in the bar afterwards and sometimes not be raped at all.