September 05, 2011

Cleansing

Thats why you have to get down to gory details sometimes - it cleans. The dramatherapy must been working its magic. The invite to drink in a pub after the session this week is helping me feel brave and a social animal to though. It's very cool to have a friend. I've completly lost all interest in her sexually though and have gone back to thinking about a good honest working class men again, as I tend to do. I think I can say with almost total certainty that I would turn down one of them right now to: sex? yuck. Although I am vaguely warmed by the thought of sex at a later point in my healing journey... I hope I'm right in thinking I'm ready for 'The Courage to Heal', I went through a patch before of reading self help books and I'm actualy looking forward just to be reading anything in book form again. I have to be able to stay calm whenver I read something that I don't agree with. The issues are so major and aimed at the vunrable I'm so worried about the damage brought by bad advice that I expect to see it every where. I don't always give them a chance, how can I if it is making me feel very bad, very inferior and marginalised. I need to put my finger on exactly what it is in healing literature that I have a problem with, instead of avoiding the problem. I also need to cry, write down memories and curl up into a rocking ball a bit more if I am ever to deal with my smoking. All crying, rocking and writing is what reading that book did to me last time. I hate the feeling that some older women has so much power over me as I feel when I read some healing literature. I expect the writers to be in some sort of cult, maybe not a major regular one but an occasion one that had rare special occasions where I or another like me would be invited. How can I read on when I think that about it the writer? How can I consider myself healed if I can't even pick up a book on child abuse without falling to pieces? On the other hand, maybe I know something about the publishing industry that makes me distrust it, maybe my intellect and the extremes I went through have put me beyond the reach of most literature, maybe I really am better than all that? Bollox, of course because its literature that I can skim whenever I choose about issues I have searched to define. I trust in little tough me, she is getting stronger and loves telling me what to keep and what to ignore when I'm reading. Which is probably why all I can read is twitter and my own poems. I can tell in the way she holds her self, she's glad to be back.