..dear reader..

Theres a holiday/Westcoastaphile piece that I've started but isn't ready quite to go back to yet.  I loved it but on benefits and with no car it wouldn't be possible to live there.  I'm giving serious thoughts to phoning child protection before the next crisis.  Wee man is going to be 5 soon.  The memories are still coming, they are becoming more detailed, more of a sense of how I felt.  I've also remembered a husband and got in touch with some of my sexuality.  I know his name and but haven't googled it yet.  The 'married with 2 children' bit always hits me hard.  I don't know how this is going to effect the relationship between us and my family.  It takes a lot out of me being with them.  I know parts of me has wanted to spend time and space with them as a way of staying in touch with whatever I lost at there hards.  Parts of me that chose to be hurt by familiar predictable people than have hope and have it smashed so irrevocably...

the more I think about what I want to write the more I realise the story is already known, its the story of me that I write to separate myself from the past.  Drama therapist poned today and asked about wee man's safety.  Difficult questions to answer but I'm always glad that someone other than me is asking.  I've already talked for hours.  My mother's hands are full of arthritis and she was always running on empty anyway.  Alkysis is either drunk or shaking and often blind because she is always breaking or losing her glasses.  The little ones, well granted they can strop for Britain and have given some nasty from behind hug tackles but I think its a while before I need to worry about them pimping me out.  Better the devil you know and devils that are old, tired and struggling with desises are the best.    West Coast trip planned soon.  Increasingly becoming a bit of a thought.  I wonder what memories I'm chasing now....