July 29, 2012

Just a wee paragraph before I completly forget what I was saying..

Theres a holiday/Westcoastaphile piece that I've started but isn't ready quite to go back to yet.  I loved it but on benefits and with no car it wouldn't be possible to live there.  I'm giving serious thoughts to phoning child protection before the next crisis.  Wee man is going to be 5 soon.  The memories are still coming, they are becoming more detailed, more of a sense of how I felt.  I've also remembered a husband and got in touch with some of my sexuality.  I know his name and but haven't googled it yet.  The 'married with 2 children' bit always hits me hard.  I don't know how this is going to effect the relationship between us and my family.  It takes a lot out of me being with them.  I know parts of me has wanted to spend time and space with them as a way of staying in touch with whatever I lost at there hards.  Parts of me that chose to be hurt by familiar predictable people than have hope and have it smashed so irrevocably.  Now there are parts of me that have the safe space and love I need.  Parts of me that are highly educated and insightful that ain't dedicated to surviving a brutal nasty existence.  The air turns to cotton wool when I'm with them sometimes, the floor to fine wind blown sand. 

And what about tomorrow.  Work focused interview in afternoon but lots of time before that.  Free school meals to start sorting out and maybe some investigations into child protection in my sisters area, then assembling wee man's 1st bike in the evening.  Buying food, bike assembly and not feeling stressed out will be the priorities.  Deeply dysfunctional families are a fucking nightmare.  At least I'll have backup on the day though and quite probably a lift home.  I can see why people get into having friends they really are essential for your mental health if you come from a family of alcoholilic, denial ridden former sex cult members.  Why don't I get away?  Because it takes so much out of me that I wont have enough strength to fight to build a brand new life from scratch after the fight to get myself to a respectable distance from them.  There really was an awful lot of sexual torture and humilation from a lot of people.  What the fuck was all that about then?