August 12, 2012

Alcoholism in family members: the really, really, really long goodbye.

'I'm an alcoholic.'  Her wobbly face seemed puffy but its hard to tell because the hell in her eyes makes it difficult to look closely.  'What do you want me to do?'  Her centre of non focus shifted from my direction to the vague direction of Mike the kids' father and then our dad.  Mike asked her if she had any money and if she did to give to dad or her adult son up in Aberdoom.  He's twenty, just left another broken family with two wee ones, he's usually fine but gets aggressive when drunk or angry sometimes.  He is also best friends the last person who assaulted me (just a slap and a push) and boasted about sexually abusing my son.   I wonder how far the aggression from my sister's son towards her drinking is a factor sometimes.  I remember a shared abuser, you see, between me and the nephew.  He was our downstairs neighbour when we first moved to town before my sister got pregnant.  He visited when we moved up the road, sometimes often then it tapered out.  He taught my nephew to call me a whore when he was three and groomed him into having sex with him and raping women.  In particular me and his mum.  I don't know about anyone else.  I had problems figuring out how he fitted into all the hierarchies and groups of ritual and organised crime.  I think I still do.  When things get too close to home I stop seeing it, sometimes literally.

Mike told her she had to start being honest she nods makes noises in agreement.  Before my dad took her back up the road I heard her crying in the kitchen.  When they've left Mike shows me an empty bottle of lucozade that stinks of brandy.  That sickening sweet smell that hangs to her, you can smell it in the room or in the car after she has left.  Later on I speak to my mum she has come of the phone to my sister, they had long chat by the sounds of it.  My sister had told her she hadn't touched a drop that day.  It broke my mum, briefly.  There is a quarter bottle of Marks and Spencer's vodka that was found in her bag that she left here.  I couldn't help thinking that leaving her bag with all her money and drink was her unconscious, something in her try to help herself.  It's in my cupboard and I'm glad about this..