January 15, 2016

Tomorrow

Hi Dad,

Hope your alive and OK. We are not too bad, we seem to be calming down a bit. The present is slightly less of an awful place to be now that accepting the here and now is not the same as tolerating the domestic abuse and organised crime that wants us compliant or dead as all we will ever know. How Lynne's oldest treated Pablo when we were up there has been on our mind a lot today and yesterday. Seven or eight years old and saying she wished the lad was dead at the dinner table, the way he was sobbing one time when we came downstairs and Margo wouldn't tell me what she had done to him, her hate to us was so palpable but to project that onto to baby and for that to be more or less tolerated. After Laura's died and her daughter was really struggling she told me she didn't wish I was dead like Lynne's oldest and others were saying.

Neglected, abused, groomed bairns. Family, police, social workers all involved in it, the murders and the cover ups.

So scared for them but we need to stop being crippled because we couldn't and can't keep them safe. It fills us with hate that so many people could be involved and let bairns be forced into DID decade after decade with no help, no safe places.

We need to love the one we have but me and lad need so much more than just being left to still be bullied but not physically attacked, for now.

Possibly stupidly wandered back into Twitter. Saw a quote about people without hope not being able to read nevermind  write novels. Christ aint that the truth. The lad once me to start reading the box set of dragon books but reading still makes us feel so isolated and so much less than second class. We think about trying to detangle it, there are books out there that wouldn't just piss us off (surely) but we just get flashbacks and dissociated which makes us so angry that people would deliberately do that to us and because we are still not strong enough to power through.

Breathe and flicker. That's what you would say isn't it? Just be. Its not up to Lynne if we have a home with locks on the door and we do believe we have enough support at least that people will get involved if they are planning on getting at me or the lad badly again. Badly. Its better than nothing but they have gotten a lot of what they wanted and that feels like the real reason for the quietness rather than all the statements, the working, talking, recording, organising, researching etc that we did.

After 30 years of being trafficked and 20 + of being bred there is little room left to feel anything. You either end up as walking dead or stuck as a needy kid. I know you would agree that we did the right choice when we opted for needy kid even if it makes everything always so difficult, scary and painful when we are not being contacted by anyone who actually knows something about us. Did we ever feel safe with anyone? Were we ever safe we have memories where it seems like that's what's was going on but they seem so unreal.

A moment at a time. Don't go on Twitter too much its choca with people pointing at evil doings and not actually challenging anything and people taking about their lives which we were disqualified from having since arrival as a small pink needy thing. As for bastards and their depression recoveries - fuck off. Bastards.

Isn't it amazing what a person can do if they have people to help and support them?!

Tell me this isn't it Dad. Tell me the kids will be found good homes. That they arnt all going to grow up being sold and manipulated so they can't love and can't grow. Tell me I'm going to live somewhere that isn't trigger saturated. That Sonny will know is nice mum again. That they will get find out who they are and not spend their whole lives under the all pervasive  rapist hegemony.

We have a phone interview with job centre tomorrow, to tell us what support is available to get us into employment. Hopefully when we say what happened recently it will be OK. Any contact with DWP or NHS is unpleasant, we take it so personally and even if we do say  "I wasn't born on 26/02/79. I am not related to M & B Johnston and those are not my medical records" its not going to change anything. The records are the records - they say who we are, not us.

Anyway. If you are breathing keep it up and we will try and do same. Plz phone or something..

Need hugs.

Your Lexi.