..dear reader..

We're thinking we're about ready to stop be so tolerant of people hurting us just because we have no one else.  Including 'Mum'.   We cant sit on the floor in therapy and be ourselves and discuss my sisters problems like we're a grown up and part of that family at night, or the next day.  Sure their is the possibility that this is going to mean a bit more misery short term but if the parts see that we are serious about putting their needs first for a change, we should start feeling stronger and less vulnerable.  So hard being around people, the slightest, tinniest thing is enough ruin any bit of calmness or stability we muster so broken promises, ignorance, denial, delusions and plain old manipulative bullshit are best avoided.  We've been taking codeine in the evenings, weed guy's phone has been off for days and days and we are struggling with rage, self destructive impulses, over whelming intrusive memories, etc.  As well as feeling very small, very hurt...

'Cheapness of life' is the theme for tomorrows therapy session.  We didn't feel quite so isolated and undermined  last session when she tried to suggest a murder we had described wasn't real.  We have sall gone through periods of not believing it was ever real, some of us still do.  We are not as worried as we have been about how difficult it will be for her to put down the books and the reading enough to see me and all that we are.  We sent her the Exaro link and are getting the impression from the emails between us since that its maybe is starting to dawn.  Hopefully. There are plenty that aren't going to even think about waking up or reaching out if their experiences growing up in a culture where death and violent death is mundane isn't established as a shared truth. The floor in her office was inviting for the first time last week.  There was a wee toy down there.  The floor though. I can see it really easily, take boots/shoes of and get do...

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...