January 29, 2014

Fuck it. We don't need any of this.

We're thinking we're about ready to stop be so tolerant of people hurting us just because we have no one else.  Including 'Mum'.   We cant sit on the floor in therapy and be ourselves and discuss my sisters problems like we're a grown up and part of that family at night, or the next day.  Sure their is the possibility that this is going to mean a bit more misery short term but if the parts see that we are serious about putting their needs first for a change, we should start feeling stronger and less vulnerable.  So hard being around people, the slightest, tinniest thing is enough ruin any bit of calmness or stability we muster so broken promises, ignorance, denial, delusions and plain old manipulative bullshit are best avoided.  We've been taking codeine in the evenings, weed guy's phone has been off for days and days and we are struggling with rage, self destructive impulses, over whelming intrusive memories, etc.  As well as feeling very small, very hurt and very alone most of the time. Thinking of asking doctor for help but scared we will leave with fuck all and even less hope than we walked in as has usually been the case.  'Give me the fucking Valium now or we fucking will destroy you' probably wont help.  The guy who gave me the number although ok to speak at times said he'd never heard anything about me and called some handler controlled thieving, child rapist gangster twat 'fair'.  Bullshit.  Manipulative bullshit.  Although it was good to have someone to hangout with last Saturday night he's too connected to too many abusers and enablers.

The female friend, well.  Like her ex said back when we were still giving her the benefit of the doubt, is a bit of a user, she's also 'not a feminist', believes in the union and 'hates junkies'.  She said something a few months back that we are unlikely to get over anytime soon, about me 'never doing anything about" the abuse, except talk.  Or something.  Sometimes its like she just repeats whatever crap people tell her.  Which onto top of being pissed about when I need money I've lent her back, not having the favour returned when we're skint and she isn't and generally having to sit listening to her list all her own problems and the problems of everyone else she knows while we are fucking screaming inside and can barely talk.  We're done with that for now.

It's easier said than done sometimes.  When you know godam weed can make stabby parts start chatting to their mates, 'kill me's' into 'my god look how far we've come, future is going to be cool', self harmers into writers, and gets rid of that sense of rape being ongoing and I can't get it but people who upset us probably can its not easy.  Its just a drought, we always do this. Orders haven't come down to make sure the Quine is struggling because we reached out to the MP, or because of the ongoing abuser court cases or whatever.  Thats catastrophising, which is only natural but doesn't mean the good life is over but as with our female friend we did think a regular supply was too good to last.  And if its true and we are without supplier, again, we are not going to die or give up.  We will survive and have therapy now which makes life less of a absolute chore and will find another way to feel comfortable, happy, creative and hopeful.  Maybe absence of medicinals will motivate us into speaking out formally more.  It doesn't feel that way at the moment but this could change..There must be some other way to soothe us, make us feel whole and have faith, so we see a future and not just whatever it is we need to do for ourselves or junior within the next few minutes or hours.

Don't know for how long we will need to sit on therapist's floor once a week but can't even imagine an end it at this stage.

Felt better after writing this and sending a txt that said 'This is just a drought isn't? Yous haven't been told by pedo sex trafficking reps to keep me desperate' to above mentioned bullshitting male.  No response as yet and we are fine with that and are unlikely to send any more.  The parts that still believe in people whose numbers never disappeared from our phone have apoligiesed.  It's not their fault.  They were tortured, saw people they believed in die intentional painful and disgusting deaths or turn against them.  They were programmed and isolated.  We're just glad they are moving on and are with us now.  Eating.  Eating definitely helps.  Took about 4 hours today to eat a croissant but now we've had pasta with pesto and tomatoes and don't feel so vulnerable.