February 28, 2014

35

How do we create a voice from all this? Or an identity enough to give us some kind of vague direction..

Been coloring in a lot, its a beautiful book, lots of intricate flowers and trees, its lovely.  We usually manage to stay within the lines and don't get upset when when we don't.  A tiny snippet that replays often when we are colouring in still keep playing though.

       Don't you think sometimes there are not enough colours?

       I do now.

I know when something keeps coming back like that it must be lots of different parts its happening to.  We all ache for the lifestyle and the health she had so clearly in that moment at least. What did she feel was promised in that. Or maybe she just uses that moment as a way to identify herself.  She's only trying to say hang in there. We're here.  Don't shut me out just because I don't hurt in the same ways most of the rest of us do. We do do that.  Sometimes.  All we here her saying is that she already a part of us and will never stop fighting for you, the goodlife awaits.  Which makes lots of us feel that they being told to put up with the suffering for awhile longer, which of course makes lots of the internal managers deeply suspicious because it appears that the littles are being told to smile sweetly and bare it.  The managers know how damaging this is to the survival chances of the little and how that is how exploitation works.

So much just seems to be laid bare and that helps, we don't feel that same mortal vulnerability constantly because the amnesia makes it impossible to know if the fear and anxiety is caused by the past or the present.  We know that when someone is allover the news for awhile its starts with remembering hearing or seeing who ever back in the eighties on the TV or radio and dissociating, then we remembering seeing whoever in real life back in the 80s or 90s and wondering we they were there and feeling confused, then the memories of threatening behavior from them to us at various ages, then the rape and phone calls with enough accompanying before and after details to stop any 'but maybe all this is mind control' type questions from gaining much ground.  The same very physical sense that its all real and any 'tricks' happened within situations where extreme violence, rape and sexual exploitation became everyday and murder not unusual.

The memories, the parts that endured how much Yew Tree etc was discussed and bargained over from at least the the mid nineties, certainly by the ones who physical abused and trafficked us the most has also got beyond the point of any of us being able to seriously question.  We don't know what we can possibly say or do to stop whatever it is that they have ongoing with the Yew Tree and the hacking trials and christ knows what else. I guess we just have to hope they fuck up which wouldn't be unusual either.  Regardless of the specific objectives however, you can be confident that the secondary standard motive of making people miserable and alienated rarely impeded much and this seems to be very much ongoing.

I keep seeing Watkins face and hearing all Radio 1 voices, the eighties and the nineties ones but mostly the nineties, noughties.  I know its to be expected and I'm doing really well etc, etc., but its so horrible knowing that the police everywhere are still protecting it quite possibly without needing any specific orders to do so.  Blatantly putting out on the MSM that other women from all the over the country went to various police stations and were told it wouldn't be investigated in case it caused 'damage to their career'.  Their career has more of a legal standing that your life and everyone life nevermind your career.  Quite often the 'their career' BS would be follow up with some good old fashioned verbal abuse.  Often about me, the babies and anyone else not existing, a rape or murder threat.. and its just accepted by people everywhere.

We are hardly likely to be shouting particularly loudly about demanding their will be another inquiry that will either completely ignore us all by themselves or be told by the met to completely ignore us.