We will see

-
I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.
Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha








Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Savile Investigations.

-
There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...
Read more

Wimping out because of pain

-
Wee man not in nursery, the ibuprofen wasn't working. Feel guilty now. He's been a nightmare recently about nursery. He's happy when I pick him up but resists most of the way there. As for the essay, it might even be a fail. Not that bothered, I've the time now literature is over and the next module, is 'Minds and Bodies', Descartes, bring it on. Think I should give my self a break from the structured stuff and just read and write about whatever I want. Use here more, tackle the old notes. No forces by big square brain into round holes. Feeling better now though, might even put the washing out, or at least out of the washing machine anyway. The more I think about the more justified I feel in attempting to claim disability. With the lawyer dudes help I will have a chance, certainly didn't on that form on my own. How many depressed people are able to be truely honest about how it effects their day to day living? As with the compensation claim ...
Read more

Watered and fed the Roses

-
Image
 We couldnt leave the flat this time last year. Couldn't even make it to the bins sometimes. Think I remember a post about the total dread experienced when May turned to June. Not so this year. Was a bit worried We would feel something close to that awfulness, that triggered terror on the day of the coronation that Tesco and the met office kindly told us about but nothing like it. Jesus those late last year posts acting like we were getting out fucking telling Junior we might be going home and 'twin'? wtf.   Unfortunately, ended up in the garden the same time as the downstairs horror story and knew she was going to say something there was no way she wasn't going to mention it. She asked if We watched it I said 'Nah' pointlessly hoping that would be the end of it. She started talking about how 'wonderful' it was and we stuck up for ourself and all that is decent everywhere by saying it's 'a bit ridiculous for a modern country'. She started som...
Read more