..dear reader..

Really should stop putting triggers in as titles.  It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug.. Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding.. Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and  pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.   Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for ...

The M&Ms are done,  wine & pringels have been opened as has the statement.. Gonna need more weed. Took us 6 grams just to get to a place where we could open the friging envelope.  It needs a lot of work. Very young simple damaged part doing the original speaking trying to push her way past the programming. All that physical pain and unmet needs I can hear her in every word  of it. But she isn't strong enough to do this alone. Why should she she wasn't the only one of us that was sent out there. There is only about 6 pages there, think we can add to that, barely a paragraph we would leave as is though. ...

Morning world, She is getting the house all lovely for us it's really exciting.  It's a lovely house in a lovely place and we have been so scared about what bad things were going to happen because we were so happy to be here.  It's getting better now are there has been enough bravery to make decisions about changing and getting rid of stuff.  We love it when all the outside kids are here but I know big us needs to get lots done and that their gran wants to  keep them. We think they should stay here with a dog and some cats to! But it is so nice for big uses to get used to  felling good and be happy to be busy. The parts that are not very good at sharing the brain and body are getting better. We know it's horrible for them to feel and see what it feels like to live through just extreme bad stuff. And they know how much better they feel and how safer we are when we are all connected and as ok with each other as poss.  ..gonna just post that as is .. :-)

Tea with the family ended rather prematurely. She causally mentioned that kids were going up the road for few days.  Their  dad had spoken to my dad and has moved back in so they have somewhere  to stay.. If she had done it with a bit more tact or shown a bit of concern for our health, with all that we have done and have to do, with the house & kids it would of helped.   We got upset.. Spider monkey came in and I said i didn't think we should discuss it at the moment. Mum said we should. I don't think it's appropriate for six year olds to overheard allegations of sexual abuse or them being denied by close family member. 'What about my feelings mum? You heard what we said to social worker' But it's the usual.  Saying that I want to stop them going up there when they love it, saying he is there dad he has rights and that they will stay out of grandad's way when he is pissed. That she offered to meet him with the kids and she offered to go back up to take t...

It would be much easier to type this on an actual keyboard with a monitor instead of this wee screen but would have to negotiate several boxes to get over there and much comfier here in bed anyway with the pain.  It hasn't been too bad, the odd day here and there rather than proper chronic.  At the new docs the other day and he kept saying 'anything else' we couldn't think of anything.. Until 10 meters out of the surgery and there it was, aya fucker..  So much to do. Which we are actually likely that, the kind of work that is rewarding because we will be living with and enjoying the results everyday.  A lot of Laura's we can't throw out yet but don't really have space for and none of rest of family are remotely interested. Her oldest said he would come down for her ashes but hasn't, hasnt helped our here as promised either.  Psychosis was down last weekend, she visited mother in hospital and then asked me if I had money cause she fancied a Chinese but co...