October 19, 2014

Little by little

Really should stop putting triggers in as titles.  It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug..

Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding..

Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and  pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.  

Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for nothing by 'contacting authorities' particularly if she meant Grampian authorities.. But looking forward to speaking to her about everything apart from that.. It's totally bolloxed everything with the gran again. She got better at holding her tongue when it came to telling me she doesn't remember anything that I've never been raped and have false memories that I only make accusations when I've been smoking too much weed (haven't smoked any today mum and still stand by every fucking word).. but now we are back to where we were. Struggling to bare the thought of her, thinking about all the ways she has undermined all her daughters and feeling like we are nothing, sub human.

But we remember super shrinks' response we told her the last time the gran said stuff like that. She looked genuinely shocked, hurt even that my mother would dismiss all my pain like that. So hard to see any resolution to any of it. No regrets at moving here though just lots of wishing we had more help and  were less isolated and lonely with it all but that's normal. 

..think that when we do eventually finish the statement .. We will be very proud of it..