..dear reader..

Landlords assistant txted about the rent difference. We asked about the boiler and got a txt back saying the landlord would be coming round for a viewing so the place should be cleaner. Txted back pissed off. None of the work that was supposed to get down has been done. He's a bullying cunt. Hate people like that . Just coz he's a bloke with some dosh we thinks he's entitled to lie and fuck with people. What fucking use is hot water that runs cold every couple of minutes. It's hard enough for us to persuade ourself into shower as it is.. Years of the same shit, work that's going to get done but is never mentioned again. Waiting for workers that don't show. He was horrible last time. We were already down. It was February. Joys of school term. Hassled for dinner money. Can't face council offices. Can't handle school triggers. Can't handle the isolation.  Been thinking little about painting kitchen. But can't commit to staying here. Like this. Can...

How long do we have to spend rumaging though the detritus. Picking through hands to find one with the rest of a person attached and a pulse inside. I've a giant bunch of keys but it's an ancient lock and probably just another sick game another aptitude test or part of remember your ours weekend of tricks triggers and torture.  Nothing they are going to give us will get us out of here but sometimes you have no option but to play along like you don't know what's coming or that we can hear a word that's said.  But we can't do it alone from here. All those little broken hearts all the little uses shadowing and trailing in the trees. So small to be alone to be so good at hiding so close to the ground but still  see further than we can dream. They should be with us instead of standing semi conscious in lines never far from each other with brains battered into never seeing each other. For decades as the other kids laugh through  us. Trailing lives that burn up everythi...

It wasn't the time to be thinking about where all this shit came from. Not for us anyway. Some of what happened to mum she never let me see. She said we had to trust her and we did. Usually. I'd seen how hard she fought to stop me knowing and felt her terror when it looked like I might see so we never looked now matter how hard people tried to make us. We did our time tracing this terror back through the wars and further of course what with mother and her friends' files we were allowed to see and lots more across the globe but there was still a sense of not knowing and had asked her is the stuff she would never tell us had something to do with the 10th of August and she agreed. It didnt take too many years of survivng the worst days or given getting through the quieter times that you often had to let everything you thought you knew to be real. Especially in August.  Getting through it meant abandoning all sense of the past rather than watch as all your safe places were t...