October 31, 2015

still breathing

Sent an email to therapist saying we wont be back. Impossible to get any further, too many forces pushed her away from seeing us at the times it matter most. Our coping mechanisms and the traumas they attempt to get us through are beyond her training and experience.  We told her about the pink jelly stuff with the dark line in it on the medical gauze and how it was Gabe early and during desperate life and death times and for whatever reason she fucked up and told us it wasn't true. Then we wanted to quit but abusers wouldnt let us. We told her about that to.

She did some of us good to. It wasn't all damage. But when she denied that she was denying when her whole existence it wasn't just the memories we had to shove at back of a drawer, locked the drawer, roll the chest to the back of a cupboard, lock the house then run to another country it was but our whole identity, my whole self. She tried to tell us that is wasn't our whole identity but we were there for DID therapy and 'we' came into existence at that time and it would be impossible to get any real work done on anything when she hurt the part who survived that, the part who was the caregiver, the rock to all of us who came about after and many before.

How the fuck is therapy going to work if its under threat of horrific violence from people who have carried it out on you before anyway? How is anything ever going to work when shit like that is going on? and the police have the worst on salaries, union clout and daily access to and over the most vulnerable.

We're not deleting the account but the twitter app is off our phone and we haven't watched anything other than Grey's Anatomy or Nurse Jackie in a while. It really helps. Especially Grey's.

Meddling with the Gabapentin again for pain as well as emotional/psychological reasons. Period late, light and not stopping. We know. If it doesn't settle soon go to the NHS even if they are useless if the take any swabs or blood or anything you will run them properly and let us know if there is anything urgent.

Don't know what state anyone else is in. Not going anywhere. The essentials are delivered. Too much shell shock for much in the way of specific hopes but also way to awake to not have any either..

Send more drugs. Better drugs.
And Hybrid.