Hoped that the all the virus procedures in place at the school might mean We could avoid the September illness. No such luck. Within days of getting the 'please make an appointment for a flu jab' text Dude wakes up ill enough to not refuse Calpol. Like every other year and every other fucking September virus it's a doozy. Easily covered all the Corona 19 symptoms so we added attempting to get tests and getting stressed out with Covid NHS phone numbers to the miseries. Got two call backs eventually one said it probably wasn't the new novel nasty as we were so congested, sent some antibiotics to pharmacy we couldn't get to and don't want to take and said we should keep trying for the tests. The other didn't think much of the 'probably not Covid' advice and said the tests weren't that accurate anyway so keep isolating.

 Someone at the council got tests sent to us after a week of it and we eventually won through the fevered premenstrual brain to correctly register one of them and sent Junior off in his mask to post it  which came back negative. School said they hadn't had any positives so probably right enough. He missed two weeks of school though when he's been loving the education and not hating the rest of it and it has taken resident in our lungs so we have that horrible 'shouldn't have dry sanded without a mask' feeling and a productive cough getting better then worse again, the extra tiredness the blah bloody blah.  The fucking fever fucking nightmares make things so much worse because lots of sleep would help but we dread it and avoid it. Banned ourself from smoking in bed again but not doing well at cutting back. Chills were crazy at times. When there is weeks of feverishness its impossible for it not to over lap with menstral cycle difficulties, so yeah its been shitty and literally pissy. 

Its easier to get delivery slots now and we are better at identifying what we need what would make us and Junior more comfortable. Such a contrast to how we were treated always treated but we still get the little flashes of being with other families outside of the British Isles and how much better it could be. We can let ourself wonder what could of been if not for being forced back to Margo and Bill and all those overlapping slaver scenes and it hurts a lot but we don't ruined and hopeless as we used to.

Replaced the duvet we were using as a mattress topper with an actual mattress topper as the duvet was disgusting with several years of our own various bodily fluids and maybe some cat ones to. . It's comfortable but I don't know if its to do with bamboo but its smells like a damp old house in the Glen that had been used by holiday makers, it was fascinating to us kids as it was furnished and there was even tea left in tea pot ant cups sitting out leading to creepy tails of the place being abandoned in a hurry. Laura used to talk about there being mushrooms growing out of the carpets it was so damp, it was a cheap temporary structure made of green painted wood in soggy Angus and like everywhere there is a very strong sense of things  happening there we can't remember. Me and another girl in the living room being told to warm ourself by the calor gas fire and older kids acting shifty and suspiciously caring. Getting crazy drowsy. Then being back in the room months later and the gas was long gone and utterly freezing in terror and not knowing why. So yeah glad our sense of smell isn't completely back and hoping it fades soon.

It's finally sinking in that in order to protect whatever we are wearing and is under us bigger better fitting less cheap knickers would help. Some came today and they are soft and wonderful. Well done us, eventually feeling like it's okay to have functioning underwear and being in a position to provide it for ourselves. Also provided the Gormengast trilogy for ourself thanks to Amazon algorythem and some previous familiarlity that we can't place. Not reading much at once but are savouring its deliciousness and even looking up some words we are not familiar with even though we know we will forget the definitions almost instantly. We have our own maybe forever copy of the Secret Garden to because we remembered how much we loved it after watching a film version. It's okay but of course if you love a book no film will cut it and there is a scene in it, its Mary remembering or nightmare she has and there is a toddler crying alone in a garden and the kid is way to young to act and is clearly really distressed and that had us feeling physically ill.

Nieces and Laura's youngest have been on my mind a bit. Think one of the non broken ones them might be old enough to get away from her awful mother, sister, grandad, uncle, older cousin etc. I hope she has, is and will. Told her once that she would have a fantastic life with her own chosen family one day that I would love to be part of, that if she thinks she has found good people but they turn out to not be to not worry and move on. And the younger one? Maybe she got fostered  by decent people who decide to keep her and support her so she is safe and happy a nurtured. 

Thinks it important to try and get this current virus recovered from its so miserable and gets impossible when they start rolling into each other. How, is another matter though. Even if we could just stop smoking pretty sure putting already infected lungs through cold turkey will not be helpful. Thinking about speaking to a GP about antibiotics if it doesn't start clearing up soon. Lungs say yeah maybe, stomach, appetite and immune system say fuck no.

Fragmented churning mind has been bringing bits that appear to relate to that 10th of August and the hours with the police some of whom seemed to not be evil that night. Hearing a shot and standing up to   look out the window and seeing one of the definitely evil ones being carried off then we got told to step back from the window but that was okay we had seen what we needed it see. He had just tried to get us to talk about someone who couldn't remember. She just looked like us but a few years older. Can't remember her being around since the 90s. I don't think she is the woman in the lad but might of been the remains under the tent in the field the school bus passed on the way to school. Also possible we figured out away keep her hidden and made her agree to it by showing that one of the best ways for her to keep me alive was for her to not die. We used to talk a lot about other peoples amnesia she understood better that I that in others it wasn't going to change, that they were incapable of processing and recognising truth. I was still young enough to think things could be different.
Getting a lot from some guided meditation podcasts. Don't turn off or away when there is affirmations about being a magnet for positive people and experiences. Fuck yeah. Positive loving people. Bring it.

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