Half Term

We would really try to find some words or images that would go some way to explaining, just to ourselves how it felt being around Margo, if she called, or if we thought about her but it was so difficult. It wasn't good and we didn't think it was all her fault but the lostness itself made it impossible to think or articulate anything. It was like constantly being drugged even when I wasn't. Now that it will be five years this December since she died we are starting to see and feel more clearly.

 Any sense of self we fought for based on being someone who lost time, or has her biological daughter in a family that had serious issues as many do but nothing more conspiratorial anything we get from anything we can't keep a hold of around her. Any one else and we have a sense of defiance, hypervigilance ,fury, disgust but also often a sense of having an advantage it always disappeared around Margo. We were always filled instead with a sense of being completely defeated around her. We have not uncovered the awful specifics of why that was but it doesn't feel utterly out of reach. The darkness around all of the traumas is retracting. If we really wanted to know we could but there is no drive to hurt ourself like that.

It felt like an oil slick cutting out all light and poisoning everything and for so much of our life we just couldn't get out for under it or like a scab that hasn't finished forming and we are tempted to try and rip off but know that would remove more than just dead cells it would actually cause further injury and scaring. 

 We couldn't get out of a state where we know we are lied to and that we lying all the time because we were forced to but are not able to tolerate remembering the truth and defend ourself from whatever happens to force me to go back to pretending all the time with everything we think feel do and say. 

 Now that the energy that went into this can now go elsewhere we can see and hear ourself again. First Princess who is quiet and calm. She knows she knows whatever she needs to know and it can't be rushed. She lives with her nose pointed just slightly to sky to keep her senses clear. She reminded us that there is more to ourself and all that is denied is horror. There are aspects of who we are that are not so hard to survive are not things we need dedicate our everything into just physically surviving that is more to us than that and it may bring someone to the door some call or other contact. Until then there is still lots of inner communication to be done.

After Princess has helped us empty the bins and hoover along the skirting boards and her sense of her own capabilities starts infecting our entire system there is a girl teenage girl who is very much in love with her best friend at school who loves her two, the both of them being very much queer who might be less of part made up to survive seconds or decades of the unsurvivable but the person who had to lock away most of what she was, who had to create and try and care for the rest of us.

Losing a bit of that sense that this is just it then thankfully because it felt cold and lonely. Without the constant asphixiating sense of absolute defeat there is some meaning to remembering that there was always more to Us than the worse people doing the worst thing to myself and anyone I care for and multinationals forcing me into highly skilled morally abhorrent sometimes extremely dangerous work that officially never happens. Other than time away from the worse people doing the worst things there isn't any intention of payment other than not having more worsts added.

There is some healthier habits forming, light exercise, regularly using guided meditations, creativity that we want to try and develop so we actually genuinely need to stop writing this blog for a while. At least until we have a solid start on something else. We do actually have an idea where to start.

Keep going back and forth on whether to write anything about wishing good luck to America. We still listen to loads of MSNBC and are not going to be able to stop now two weeks from the election.  Doing not too bad at with not all or nothing thinking. Could be such an opportunity to starting dealing with the real under lying issues and start making it genuinely democratic and that would be absolutely awesome for everyone in America and most people everywhere else to. 

Worst fears are about the fate of nations here or afar though we are worried that a second term or a failure to get a second term will trigger some kind of communication chain probably involving paranoid British Establishment Fascists their American counterparts, local crime and police networks which will result in myself and the lad and unknown numbers of others in severe danger because of some Trump industries whim. Something so fucked up the Russians watch it all go down shaking their heads in disgust.