Proof of Life
Pain has been reminding me how mental it used to drive us. It has been pretty bad the few weeks, inactivity probably a factor.
Freaking out a little about what we have written because of course all past, present and future misery is my fault for existing, being hurt and not figuring out how to get out and stay out. If we say/or write something we are giving slavers and abusers ammunition, reprogramming ourself with fiction and keeping people who care about us away but if we don't write we are keeping ourself utterly dissociated and keeping people who care about us away.
Currently its a demand we made for proof of life (or death) in the first half of 2021 is the sliver of memory we don't know what to do with. It came with an 'or else' that we were giving to the callers from other parties.
There was maybe words about this being the longest time without contact and that it will end rather than being briefly broken by the contact that often accompanied violence. To talk or trigger us out of doing something that might help us, to talk us out of giving up, to remind us of positive things that we cant keep in our consciousness. It's always been very infuriating knowing that other people are walking around everyday with the keys to myself knowing we need them but only ever sharing them with me when ordered to by someone who isn't me. It's the material side to, the people with those keys owning stuff like the houses they live in, have driving licenses and cars, have families and friends, total food security, health care choices, other people to do their house work, active lives and formal means of recourse if they are or feel wronged. As long as they do as they told.
It's now half way through the first half 2021 and today has been one of those days when we are so depressed we find it really difficult to speak. Got it together enough though to cook and eat pasta, watch some episodes of something with Junior that I am very much not a fan of but wanted to spend some time with him, washed and changed my bedding. So yeah, clearly still fucking amazing.
Mood will likely lift a little when the our twice monthlies arrive for a little while before the pain has us needing to smash up the whole man made world.
