small things
Over a month in. No fags. Various other sources of nicotine, gum, inhalator, big lozenges that are supposed to be sucked but we keep crunching, patches, wine, junk food. Been a few weeks since we used the patches and the inhalator. Probably around three weeks. Exactly three weeks even. As well as the NRT we have used Grey's Autonomy and Animal Crossing. Seriously crazy hours of both. Ran out of Gray's. Relationship with Animal Crossing is ongoing. Long strange and charming hours in a very safe place. Although some of the accessories in the taylors are a bit ew as well as funny.
We knew an earlier version when nothing could be appreciated for long and have considered for months what a new version of Animal Crossing, here and now could mean. We hid the game when it arrived it's not his type of thing and we wanted to start it alone. It doesn't feel too self obessed to acknowledge that the moving on from the fags is a big fucking deal on many fucking levels and that having that game and being able to play it in peace and in comfort is a really significant deal also.
It's so fucking cute. Highly effective distraction and escape from nightmares and triggers and cravings. Also not something that Junior has a history with or a particular interest in. He's played it a bit though so there is another garden for me to build and arrange and a means to get two works of art whenever the dodgy art dealer turns up. One of the other islanders game be Van Gough's Starry Night and it wasn't fake though. Very cool. All that time in Skyrim and Fall out homemaking.. Finally we have ornaments without bloodshed and gardening for days without migraines. Not saying the Bethesda games don't have some really cool gear but today I popped a balloon and got a juke box. I was working on a Diner. I popped a balloon and got a Jukebox.
It was just on the edge of our consciousness that we were getting the game around sakura festival time with pink trees and that would likely be a thing again in this version. We kept it and timed it as something we would like, something that would comfort and amuse more than it antagonized, upset and triggered. Very happy with petal crafting. The lanterns and the pond stone and the bonsai. So pretty. Also got the schematics for a round log table today we have needed forever it's been a really good day.
The only reason we are here is because Nook's shop is closed today because it's being upgraded. Very excited about tomorrow when it reopens.
We are doing a bit better obviously in some ways or there would still be lots of fag smoking and we are feeling how good and new that is. We feel more like we are actually here, more like we are actually a thing. It's nice. We know we are like always, going against what we were very explicitly told by what where very loud voices when we were very little doesn't mean it doesn't always hurt, that it gets less exhausting, less lonely.
Comfort though. Enough that we can't not see where we have been and enough to see the anything, everything or nothing much at all that could be next.
Not enough that we could imagine living with good dreams night after night. Must be a different planet.
