April
Didn't put this years sticker on the garden waste bin. Got Junior to do it. Third year, third sticker. Gives us a smile. Third year of a garden reader. More realistic and less manic planning, spending and working. Not looking forward to the extra shinny edge on the loneliness we get when we make something beautiful and there is no one around to share it with. It's not utterly no one we do make such a difference that even he will notice and say something and there is the neighbors who say things sometimes that help us see the difference we have made and work done. Three years is not long enough for us to not feel awkward around neighbors but sometimes we get good at accepting how awkward we feel around people.
Did some nettleing. Weather has been cold but not a cloud in the sky so anywhere sheltered gets warm. Got our proper gloves, spade and it was pleasing work to turn the earth stand on the root mass and lift out gnarly pale balls of roots, notice how we had what we needed to do the job and didn't over do it. Been trying to think back to what it was, jungle at the back, the evergreen all huge the paving stones and pebbles on friggin bin liner at the front. Can't imagine how it's gonna look high summer this year. It all depends on how we are.
There is a buddleia that didn't get much time last year and a couple of delphiniums that survived the autumn on winter in 9cm pots presumed dead that we put in weeks back. And the stove is settled on its podium now. Difficult to believe we are not going to do anything around the podium as creatively it gets us going, thats why we did it. Got thyme. Two little pots of it to start introducing to the outside. No seeding anything until we build the plant shelving that has been boxed and leaning against the wall for about a month now. There is no more space for anything inside. I will get stressed out if I make more mess and give myself more commitments by combining anymore seedlings, soil and water. Some stuff can go out soon. The roses have been weeded, feed, topped up and watered. Should start us off on a rosier summer.
Doesn't feel utterly unrealistic that there can be some committed flower care over months or at least regular enough for lovely results if not fantastic. So cool there is cozy safe out of the sun gardening going on to. We have a purple rose in Animal Crossing. And a blue hyacinth. A very pretty area with an outdoor bath and a variety of flowers in pink grown and bred here in Chillville. Devastated about the Pagoda we got really early as we sold it thinking it would turn up in the catalogue so we could order two but it hasn't and we have none. Was blessed by a Zen stone not long after that can be customized to five different stones and garden rock formation and that has helped. Miss Flick.
Been thinking about Eliot. It feels real AF then gets undermined and then washed as our trauamed brain has to let almost everything go to survive the slavery and the isolation. Fantasies about Jesse feel safer and warmer. We don't trust any of it but it doesn't scare us either. It's a kind of artificially induced coma people are put into after brain injuries, we let go of everything but the present to focus of protecting what is left, healing. Rewiring what is left.
Too much dreams and pain recently. The dreams are the lost, can't remember where to go anxiety types, the Margo filled long term emotional abuse explorations punctuated by the loneliness ones where we hassle some pretty but shitty guy into sex that he we desperately hope will make us feel feel better even though we know he will just be cold, come and then leave.
The pain is pain. Around my cervix, uterus, bowel, bladder and sometimes urethra. It fades in and out. Easy to ignore and distract ourself from sometimes, a vague comfort even to curl up around and a reminder to be gentle with ourself then in an hour or so its pretty much the only thing in existence and existence is not good.
